Redmond threw open the doors of the seedy local pub. Everyone looked up and yelled “Arrrgh!”
Every single mother fucker in here was an expert fisherman and boat captain. All of them had the beards and hats to prove it.
But Redmond wasn’t just looking for any sea dog. He was looking for the saltiest fucking sea dog there was. He would need nothing but the saltiest to take on the Shark Priestess. So he asked.
“Pardon my intrusion, gentlefolk, but may I ask who in here is the saltiest sea dog?” he asked
“ARRRH, matey!” said the closest man, “The saltiest of us all be out in the Dead Mon’s Marsh.”
“Dead Mon’s Marsh?” repeated Redmond. “Where is that?”
“Ayye, I be happy to take you der!” someone called from across the room. Everyone gasped.
“Rasta Rick, are you sure?” asked the first man, standing up. “Your tendinitis…”
“Ya mon, it aint be no tang. Da road der be a bad man place, and de little guy surely be losin’ is life he goes da normal way.”
“Thank you, Rasta Rick!” cried Redmond.
“Sure ting little mon, but be wa-nd. Da marsh be fool of fukin voodoo magic, mon.”
and then he grabbed Redmond’s hand and ran out the door.
“Why the fuck are we running, Rasta?” panted Redmond.
“I be needin’ a running start little mon.” answered Rasta Rick through heavy breathin, mon.
“What? Why?” questioned Redmond.
“You be seein’ soon enough, little mon. Now, when ya get der, ya might be followed by some foul tings, mon. Dey be seein’ your body heat. Ya gotta hide in da cool mud if dey be trackin’ ya, mon. Ya gotta be cool.”
“Ya mon, dey be like da Yautja. An’ der be some locals dat can handle dem. Find dem mon, and dey might help ya out. Da sea dog ya be lookin’ for be livin’ in a cave some place hidden.”
“My, what an adventure this will be. I can’t thank you enough for your help, Rasta Rick.” gasped Redmond.
“Nah problem little mon, I got faithin ya. Now it’s time for you ta GO!”
Rasta Rick stopped short and flung Redmond through the air
“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA!” yelled Redmond
“REMEMBER, BOY!!!!!” called Rasta Rick, “JUST BE COOL!”
Redmond flew through the air at the speed of rasta sound. After several minutes, he landed in a pool of foul black muck.
He looked up and saw planted in the mud a sign. “LIVING NOT WELCOME”
suddenly, he heard a horrid screech from some distance behind him. He turned to find the road he had flown through, and shadowy figures some distance away, fast approaching.
Crap, he thought. Need to hide.
He slapped some mud on himself and tucked himself in a nearby tree that looked liked Woody Allen.
He could hear foul little shrieks grow louder as they came closer and closer.
Then, they were just outside of Woody.
“KEEHEEHEE! The human is here somewhere!” said one of them.
“BWAAAARK! Keep an eye open! General Whitefin said he would pay us well for him.” responded another. Redmond could tell they were probably absolutely fucking gross creatures.
“KEEHEEBWARK! If he’s here, we will find him. The mud and the trees cannot hide him forever!”
“Just keep an eye open for the Unseen Ones! CAWCAWKEE!”
“KEEHEEHEE! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? WE CAN’T SEE THEM!”
“Then keep an EAR open! CAWCAWKEE!”
These things are fucking annoying. thought Redmond as they passed by.
When he could no longer hear their hideous voices, Redmond emerged from Woody Allen.
He looked around.
“Well” he said to himself, “I guess it’s time to check out this marsh.”
and he started on, struggling through the thick mud.