A Banquet For Blackbirds

Little Alex Smithsonian was playing outside again.

After his mother warned him not to.

It was dangerous outside; the birds were always watching. Always waiting for you to screw up.

The year was 2033- nearly 14 years since mankind had fallen to the birds.

Sometime around 2010 I think, the Tea Party successfully outlawed math. I’m not really sure. Take what year the story’s in- 2033 and subtract 14 from that. It was around that time. I’m sorry, I haven’t mathed in many years. Again, about 14.

While President Billy Bob Johnson had made sure Americans didn’t use “Devil Numbers”, he couldn’t stop the birds. The birds, who saw mankind’s failure and their own opportunity to rise.

The birds roosted in abandoned universities and libraries, and taught themselves to use math. By knowing how quickly they could fly vs how fast humans could run, and keeping in mind variables such as cover a human might run to, they developed what were known as “Flying Death Equations”, or FDEs. They used these to successfully murder every world leader on Earth.

America was the first to fall. In our vanity, we never saw it coming. Our weapons were useless, for the crows had also developed wearable magnetic fields which deflected bullets. Any attempt at chemical warfare left us with more casualties than them.

One by one the nations fell, until all that remained of humanity were small clusters of survivors, living underground in terror.

Also, the birds learned to talk.

“CAW CAW, MOTHERFUCKER.” the blackbird cawed at Alex.

Alex was startled, but didn’t fear the bird.

“Shut up you old featherhead.” he laughed like an arrogant little shit who’s going to die. “I know as long as I don’t cross this red line I’ve set on the ground, I’ll be able to outrun you back inside. So much for your Flying Death Equation.”

The blackbird opened his wings menacingly.

“Listen kid, I am going to fucking murder you. That’s not even a question. It’s only a matter of time before you fuck up, AND WHEN YOU DO, I’M GOING TO BE TH-

suddenly, the blackbird was interrupted

“CAW CAW, LEAVE HIM ALONE AGENT OF SATAN!” a beautiful white dove flew over and karate-kicked the blackbird.

“JESUS CHRIST YOU FUCKING FREAK, I’M OUT OF HERE.” cawed the blackbird as he flew away.

“Are you okay, child?” asked the dove.

“Yes, you dumb old bird. I wasn’t in any trouble, but even if I was, why would you want to save me? You’re a bird and birds are evil.”

“No child, I am a bird of GOD. Sent here to lead humanity back to glory and to once again have dominion over all things! Grab your things and come with me!”

Alex grabbed his toothbrush because he was certain this would be a long journey.

The dove looked at him as if he were a fucking idiot.

“You don’t want a change of clothes or anything? We’re going to be traveling all across the world.”

Alex realized that he was right. He grabbed his backpack and filled it to the brim. It was heavy- both with items, and hope.

The dove was still waiting outside.

“Let’s go, child.”

“Not so fast, ‘Dove’.” said Alex, stopping at his red safety line.

“You must think I’m pretty stupid, don’t you? I know this is a trick.”

The bird wiped the white paint off of its face and laugh-cawed.

“The human’s more clever than I thought.” the no-longer-disguised blackbird said.

Little Alex was one smug motherfucker. Jesus Christ, the shit eating grin on his face.

The blackbird examined little Alex’s backpack.

“… But not clever enough.”

The blackbird from earlier flew down next to the Dove impostor.

“That backpack looks a little heavy, kid.” it cawed.

Alex turned to run as the birds descended upon him.

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