It had been seven hours since Redmond’s training at the hands of Asia Bones had begun.
For seven long hours on the shoreline, Redmond had to endure Asia Bones making spooky faces at him to increase his bravery. There was no eating, and no resting. There was only spooky faces.
Redmond did his best to not faint; he felt determined to prove himself to Captain Redbones so he could save Rob and stop the Shark Priestess.
As Asia Bones turned down for what, Rasta Rick tied a rope around Redmond’s waist.
“Now comes de ultimate test, mon- ‘o physical fitness ‘on brav’ry.” Rasta Rick said, and he whistled.
Appearing from out of fucking nowhere, was a monster truck made out of monster like goblins and fucking trolls and giant spider-scorpians and shit like that. holy spooks.
and Redmond was tied to it.
It revved up its spooky engines and took off, and Redmond immediately started running to keep up with the monstrosity.
He was chasing the most hideous goddamn thing he’d ever seen just to stay alive. Holy shit, what a perfect metaphor for the hustle necessary to succeed in life.
anyway, as Redmond ran and paul rand and ran, and cried, and cried, he felt something strange boiling in the pit of his stomach.
it was a stress ulcer, but also, it was the power of the horror gods. Redmond was becoming a horror-cat; a being Asia Bones had described as capable of withstanding the horrors of horror.
Redmond picked up his pace, gaining on the monster truck. The beasts taunted him, but Redmond found new strength in his bones, and leapt through the air and on to the truck, punching the shit out of every monster he could reach.
the monster truck spun out of control, and Redmond jumped off just as it fell over.
“We have no more use for this truck.” said Asia Bones, and he turned his back to it and struck a pose. The monster truck exploded in a fountain of fire and gore.
A goblin head landed on Redmond’s feet, and Redmond immediately started to play hackey sack with it instinctively.
“Aaaye, mon, he be gettin a bit o’ da Barbados spirit in ‘im, too!” laughed Rasta Rick, as Redmon passed the head over to him, blood spattering all over the ground.
Asia Bones looked on, smiling. For the first time since their meeting, he was truly proud of Redmond. He was a true horror cat now. But while that was all well and good, if he wanted to survive the oceans, he’d still need to become salty as well. And if he wanted to be truly salty, he’d have to do what few men had ever dared even try.
He would have to kill a shark man.