Treebeard looked at Pippin as though he were the biggest idiot on the fucking planet.
“SIDE? I AM ON NOBODY’S SIDE. BECAUSE NOBODY’S ON MY SIDE.”
Merry and Pippin were astonished that the talking tree didn’t want to die for them.
“But Saruman’s armies are cutting down all the trees!” pipped Pippin.
“I’m sorry you little prick. What are hobbit houses made out of again?” Treebeard asked, astonished he was even going to have to explain this shit to the short hairy-toed fucks.
“…Wood.” admitted Merry, defeated.
“But trees don’t have feelings!” offered Pippin.
Treebeard once again looked at Pippin as though he were the biggest idiot on the fucking planet.
“The only reason I haven’t tossed you jabronis into the fucking pits of Isengard is because my brother-in-law wants to see you.”
“Who’s you’re brother-in-law?” asked everyone who’s familiar with the Tolkien universe and knows that Treebeard does not in fact have a canon brother-in-law.
“Gandalf the shitty-ass wizard.” said Treebeard, (This is now canon) “You haven’t seen him walking around with my sister?”
“Your sister’s his staff?” asked Merry, bewildered at how clever I am.
“But she’s so small and doesn’t talk.”
“She gets a lot of exercise and what the fuck is there to talk about?”
“A lot of shit, actually.”
“Name one thing that’s happened on your journey thus far.”
“Gandalf DIED.” offered Pippin, attempting to surprise Treebeard like a dumbass.
“No he didn’t, he’s alive. See? You literally can’t name a single thing that’s happened.”
‘Boromir…’ thought Merry sadly. He decided not to bring it up, because Treebeard would probably just make fun of him. And not how Sean Bean dies in every movie he’s in. He’d make fun of the actual character of Boromir dying. Treebeard is in no fucking mood for this shit, and Merry knows it. Pippin doesn’t because he’s a fool of a Took.
“Our friend Boromir died!” said Pippin angrily.
‘You fucking idiot.’ thought Merry.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Pippin.” said Treebeard, as sarcastically as Entenly possible. “I know how much pain you must be in, because THOUSANDS OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE DEAD.”
“Fucking wrecked.” said Gandalf, who appeared before them in shining white…robes.
“Gandalf!” squealed the hobbits with glee. In unison, because I’m too lazy to write a unique line for each of them.
“Gandork, I thought we were skipping this whitey shit.” sighed Treebeard.
“What are you talking about?” asked Merry.
“He’s a White Wizard now, which is fucking useless. White men can’t fucking jump.” explained Treebeard.
“I can’t become a Black Wizard unless I die doing something bad.” explained Gandalf. Remember, this is all canon.
“Okay, so kill Pippin, and Merry will stab you.” said Treebeard.
“That’s literally the best idea anyone’s ever had.” said Gandalf, and he stabbed Pippin through the chest with Glamdring or however the hell you spell it. Fine, I’ll look it up… HA, I GOT IT RIGHT. I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THE HOBBIT MOVIES. I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED FROM READING THE BOOK YEARS AGO, WHICH YOU’VE NEVER DONE, YOU CASUAL PIECE OF SHIT. *except for Chris*
“Pippin noooo!” cried Merry, as he rushed over to his dead-ass friend.
“Now kill me, bro.” said Gandalf, and he pushed Merry like a bully.
“I CAN’T.” wept Merry.
“DO IT. OR I’LL KILL THE ENTIRE SHIRE.” roared Gandalf.
That did it. “RRRRRAAAHH!” yelled Merry as he lifted his pathetic little dagger to try to stab Gandalf.
But then suddenly, a bolt of…air… punched Gandalf through the trees.
It was Saruman.
“Stole your kill, bro.” he laughed with his booming voice. The entire land shook.
“And now I level up to Super-White Wizard.” he laughed again. Still booming.
And then, I don’t know, Gandalf walked through the trees toward them, wearing black robes.
“A Black Wizard versus a Super-White Wizard?” remarked Treebeard. “I think this is like, a tie or something.”
“There’s only one way to find out.” said Jango Fett, and he shot them both at the same time because he has two guns. It works out perfectly.
Gandalf jumped over the laser blast, but Saruman, still white, was unable to jump, and instead deflected it. It bounced into Merry, killing him. He was finally reunited with his dear friend. In elf hell.
Jango Fett flew away as the two wizards began punching the shit out of each other.
His new mission? To kill Frodo Baggins and steal the Ring of Power for his own use to become an invisible bounty hunter.
He flew into Mordor without having to stop to refuel because fuck, and he confronted Bilbo. I mean Frogo. I mean Frogo. Fuck, I typed it again. Frodo. He tracked Frodo and found him and said
“AH HA. I’M GONNA KILL YOU NOW AND STEAL THE WRING. WRING? RING.”
“You leave Mr. Frodo alone!” shouted Samwise Gamgee, the best fucking character in the entire story. But not even Sam could stop the wrecking ball that was Jango Fett, and he fell over, knocked out cold from a cock-punch from the best damn bounty hunter ever. Remember, he hunted down a rogue Sith and killed her like a dog. Just for money. God damn.
But when all hope seemed lost, a crucial element of the story comes into play- Sauron had used his giant flaming eyeball to follow the mysterious trail of smoke from Jango’s jetpack. And holy shit, “I SEEE YOUUU.”
The next thing Jango and the hobbits knew, they were surrounded by Nazgul. Oh shit.
To Be Continued.