Star Wars: The Fett Awakens part VII

Gundam Fett threw open the western-style swingy door to the cantina and yelled “Yoooooooooooooo! Who wants a million credits?”

“We literally all do,” said everyone.

“We need 5 of the roughest, toughest ballers to come with us. So, you all kill each other, and when there’s just 5 left of you, meet us outside,” announced Fett.

8R whispered to Fett “Dude, we don’t have a million credits.”

“Yeah, no shit, we’re not going to have to pay them, Mace Windu’s going to eviscerate them.”

“Why do we even need them?” asked 8R, feeling a little guilty that they were going to trick 5 people into freaking dying.

“Mace Windu is a force of nature. He’s freaking Justice incarnate. When he sees those space-outlaws gathered together, he’s going to rush in and wreck their shit. That’s when we drop a boulder on his head from the overlooking cliff.”

“So your plan to defeat Mace Windu is basically a Looney Toons skit?”

“I don’t do ‘skits’, man. This is a time-tested bounty-hunting classic. Do you know how many people I’ve killed like this?”

“How many?”

“Thirteen. I’ve dropped thirteen boulders on to people from cliffs. It’s always hilarious, it always works, and it’s the safest and most effective way of terminating a target who happens to be right below you when you have a boulder.”

“I guess that makes sense,” relented 8R.

“Exactly, so stop being such a lit- oh, hey, here they come!”

Five people emerged from the bar-turned-battlefield.

One of them was wearing full Mandalorian armor, and was shaped like a woman.

“Hey, are you a woman?” asked Gundam Fett.


“Okay, just making sure. I’m instantly attracted to you and am going to do my best to make sure you survive, even if the others are doomed.”


The other four pawns were just burly space-pirates who don’t matter because they’re expendable men.

“You other four don’t matter to me. You’re expendable men.”

They nodded in understanding.

“It’s just a curse of our gender,” one of them offered.

“Exactly, and there’s no point in getting upset about it. So, rev up your space bikes and let’s go mace a Windu.”

the pawns revved up their space bikes and followed behind Fett and 8R, who were leading the way in a stolen space-SUV.

“Hey, 8R. You think she liked me?”

“Dude, I don’t fucking know. You’re a gundam, how would that even work?”

“8R, I literally have infinite stamina.”

“Yeah, but do you even have a-…”

“No, but I’ve always been really generous in bed.”

“Okay. Can we just focus on the mission here?”

“I suppose I could affix something between my legs here…”

“The mission to kill Mace Windu?”

“Hook up pleasure receptors to my brain. Really, any part of my body could serve as a new penis.”

“The Jedi Master trying to kill us?”

“My entire body could be a penis.”

“Look, I’m putting in my earbuds. Wake me up when we get there. Wherever it is we’re going.”

“I’d rock her fucking world.”

To Be Continued…

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