“Where are we going, Windu?”
“We’re going to Quilona VI, the home of the rattlesnake people. TR-8R is stranded there. I can sense it.”
But then EMPEROR PALPATINE APPEARED.
“FETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT… IF YOU TURN TO THE DARK SIIIIIIIIIIIDE, WE CAN BRING BACK THAT SMOKIN’ HOT BABE THAT YOU WERE INTOOOOOOOOOO.”
“Windu, I have bad news,” said Gundam Fett as he cut off Mace Windu’s arm with his Swiss Betrayal Knife.
“FUCK,” yelled Windu as he used Force Disappear to disappear away in retreat.
“I’m on the Dark Side now,” said Gundam Fett, as he caught Windu’s lighrsaber.
“Good, gooooooooooood,” said Palpatine, “Help me destroy Supreme Leader Snoke and I will bring back your girlfriend.”
“Yeah, that’s a good deal. The only problem is I can’t use the Force and I just betrayed my Jedi Master.”
“Yeah, but I’ll be your master now.”
“Then the problem is solved.”
“I name you… DARTH GUNDOOM!!!” shrieked Supr-I mean Emperor Palpatine, as he cast Force Lightning every-which-way and danced around.
“UNLIMITED POW-AHHH!” laughed Darth Gundoom and he started shooting missiles at shit.
“Hey, I kind of have an apprentice, too. I was going to help him get laid,” said Darth Gundoom.
“Gooood, goooooooooood! Bring him along! EVERYONE WILL GET LAID!” roared Palpatine, continuing to dance around, now raving with some glowsticks and levitating more glowsticks with the Force.
“We will bring the Order to its knees, and I will rule them aaaall!” laughed Palpatine, and they flew toward Quilona VI to fetch TR-8R.
When they arrived, they were spooked at how many rattlesnake people there were.
“I hate rattlesnake people. Stay on your guard, my young apprentice,” said Palpatine.
But Darth Gundoom was already lighting everyone on fire.
“TALK! TALK! TELL ME WHERE THE TROOPER IS AND I’LL STOP LIGHTING YOU ALL ON FIRE!” he yelled.
Everyone was too busy dying to talk, but then TR-8R walked out of a cave.
“Hey, I’m over here!” he yelled.
“AHH, MY YOUNG APPRENTICE!” said Darth Gundoom, who had found a black cloak to wear.
“Why are you wearing that black cloak? And is that the Emperor?”
Darth Gundoom touched his shoulder and said “I’m a Sith Lord now.”
“That’s hilarious,” replied 8R.
“Yeah, and we’re going to take over the Order. Captain Phasma will be all over your dick then.”
“Well, I have no objections to this plan. Just make sure you don’t hurt her.”
“We won’t, 8R. We’re planning a very quick takeover. We go in, we beat the shit out of Snoke, and then we just sit down in his chair, Riddick style.”
“Okay. But what about Kylo Ren?”
“While Palpatine and I are fighting the Supreme Leader, it’ll be up to YOU to defeat Kylo Ren.”
“Well I don’t like that at all.”
“He’s just a boy, 8R. You’ve had a decade of combat-experience.”
“Okay, but he’s also a powerful Force user and skilled with a lightsaber.”
“Bro, bro. Palpatine will teach us how to use the Force. And lightsabers are bullshit, I’m going to get you some Mandalorian armor. Plus, I’m pretty sure you have your own lightsaber you bought, right?”
8R thought about it for a second. He remembered seeing Kylo’s skill in battle- turning blaster fire right back on his enemies, effortlessly striking down multiple warriors single-handedly in close-combat. Then he thought about Captain Phasma, and how fit and toned she probably was under that armor. Jesus Christ.
“I’ll do it. I will kill Kylo Ren.”
“Calm the fuck down, 8R. You don’t have to kill him. But you’ll probably have to maim him. He can’t be allowed to interfere, but he could be a valuable ally.”
“Isn’t there like, a rule of 2 or some shit with the Sith?”
“Yeah, but that’s retarded. We’re throwing it out,” replied Gundoom.
“I learned my lesson,” said Palpatine.
“How are you even alive, my lord?” questioned 8R.
“I fell down a chute. Big fucking deal,” replied Palpatine.
“I guess that makes sense,” said 8R, satisfied.
“Now, boys. Let’s begin your training. After 3 short days, you both will be be able to do THIS!”
He chucked a lightningbolt at a rattlesnake man and they exploded.
“LMFAO” said Darth Gundoom.
“And THIS!” screamed Palpatine, as he flung his lightsaber and it flew into a rattlesnake person’s back. He summoned it back to his hand and struck a pose.
Darth Gundoom and 8R clapped.
The Emperor bowed.
“Thank you! Thank you!” he boomed, “Now, let us begin…”
TO BE CONTINUED…