Professor Sever-god-damn-rus-Sape started tearing through the hallways of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizzazrrry on rollerblades and shooting Death Eaters with his Grenade Launcher of Slytherin.
“THIS IS MY REVENGE” he roared, shooting hooded goons left and right.
“KILL HIIIIIIIIIIM!” shrieked Voldermort, casting Avado Kilimanjaro.
“I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN AFRICAAAAAAAAA!” shouted Albus Dumbledore, transcending death and kicking Voldermort in the testicles.
Voltermont cupped his balls in agony, casting Defendicus Repellerino. Now nothing could touch him. He screamed at Severus.
“WHY ARE YOU PROTECTING POTTER, HIS MOM WOULDN’T BANG YOU YOU FUCKING CUCK WHITE KNIGHT FAGGOT!!!!!!!”
Severus Snape stopped rollerblading and flipped on some shades.
“No, Tom. James was the cuck. Harry is my son, LMAO,” he laughed, and then he cast Cutteroo Slicey at Voldermoon’s shield, tearing it to ribbons.
“What the fuck?” asked Voldermont.
“My slicey-spell can cut through ANYTHING. It’s the strongest spell in the world,” explained Severus Snape, now the fucking champion of everything.
“I WILL KILL YOU REEEEEEEEEEEE!” screamed Voldercunt, cast AVADA SUPERKILLTACULAR at him.
But Snape just did a backflip and cast Cutty Cuttero at it, slicing the spell in half. It flew into some Death Eaters instead.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS ISN’T FAIRRRRRRRRRRR!”
Dumbledore laughed so hard he started crying.
“I only came back because I thought I was the only one who could defeat you, but it turns out you’re a punk-bitch. I’m gonna get going back to Wizard Heaven now, later fam.”
“Bye, Professor!” said Harry.
“Goodbye Albus,” said Professor McDonaldgal who was now awake.
“Buy, Albums!” said Snape respectfully.
The Death Eaters started running away, but Peeves had thrown marbles all over the ground, so they just tripped like fucking idiots.
“OH NO, WE’RE DOOMED!” they wept, “MASTER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT US!”
“Nothing can save you from me,” said Severus Snape, “For 18 goddamn years, I put up with your shit, but now it’s over. You’re all deader than shit.”
Snap cast Slice-and-dice at the Death Eaters, and cut their hands off. They’d never be able to cast spells again. A fitting end for those who abused their power.
Voldermort turned and started running. Snape tried to cast CutCoKnives at him, but Voldertort had put on his best running shoes, and was able to escape into the labyrinth that was the Hogwarts halls.
Snape turned to Harry.
“Harry, we have to kill him. He’s still dangerous.”
He handed Harry his grenade launcher.
“Professor, are you really my dad?”
“I don’t actually know for certain, Harry. I did bareback your mother several times around the right time, though. And I never pull out. But no matter what, I loved your mother and I love you. I will always look after you.”
“T-thanks, Professor or maybe dad,” said Harry, getting all emotional.
Snape put his hand on his shoulder and smiled at him.
“Now what do you say we kill Voldermort?”
“NOT SO FAST!” shrieked a shrill, annoying voice from behind them.
It was… LUSCIOUS MALFOY!
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!