Victor Gonzales rose from the grave.
It was his favorite time of year: the Christ-mass.
He rattled his bones and walked from the Kekville Graveyard toward the nearest house.
He was about to knock on the door when he heard a ruckus from behind him.
Turning around, he saw the biggest, baddest looking gang of Elf-ruffians he’d ever seen. They all looked like Legolas from Lord of the Rings except they were wearing Christmas-elf clothes with those stupid green hats.
They were all pointing bows at him and the leader walked forward.
“You cannot celebrate Christmas, skeleton. It is a holiday for humans,” said the Elf King.
Victor laughed in his face.
“Christmas is my favorite holiday, elfman. No one’s going to stop me from partaking in the celebration.”
He punched the elf so hard in the face that he shot backwards like a rocket, knocking all the other elf downs like bowling pins.
As the elves fumbled around like idiots in the snow, Victor turned back and kicked the door down.
The nice peaceful family looked up from their living room couch and screamed in horror at the skeleton barging into their house.
“THERE’S NOT MUCH TIME!” shouted Victor, and he slammed the door shut, “I’M HOLDING YOU ALL HOSTAGE WHILE I CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF BABY JESUS.”
He then waggled his fingers to make the sign for his Kidnap Family-Jutsu and the house was surrounded in bones. It was now a bone fortress.
“Your house is now my bone-fortress,” explained Victor, rattling his bones and laughing.
“What do you want with us?!” shouted the Dad, shielding his tiny daughter.
“I want to make your Christmas special,” said Victor, “Please call me Santa Bones.”
Then he tore one of the branches off their Christmas tree and fashioned a green beard for himself.
“Give me a hat,” he said.
The Mom got up and went to the hat-rack that was directly next to Santa Bones who could have easily just gotten one himself, and she handed him an appropriate beanie.
“Not that one,” he said, slapping it out of her hand and making a spooky face.
She offered him up a baseball cap.
“Yes, that will be my hat!” he said proudly.
He picked up the Mom and she shrieked as he tossed her back on to the couch with the family.
On the outside, the Elves were desperately picking at the Bone Fortress with their holiday shovels.
“They’ll never get inside!” he laughed and he around. The family looked on in terror from the couch.
He looked at them seriously.
“I need to know your wishes immediately,” he said, and sat down next to them.
“Please don’t kill us,” said the Mom.
“Kill you?” laughed Santa Bones, his merry pine needle beard shedding all over, “I’m not going to kill you, idiots. I’m going to make this the best Christmas you could have ever hoped for!”
Then he karate-chopped the couch in half and threw it against the wall.
“Now watch this!” he said, and he pulled a lighter out from his bones and lit the couch on fire.
The couch burned.
“What’s happening?” asked the little girl.
“Santa Bones is helping us celebrate sweetie,” explained the dad, holding her tightly as he watched the Christmas skeleton dance around their burning couch.
“I’m scared,” she cried.
Santa Bones turned to her angrily.
“YOU DON’T BE SCARED ON CHRISTMAS MORN, CHILD” he shouted, causing her to cry. He just kept screaming at her thoughlol.
“THIS IS A TIME FOR CELEBRATION, GET UP AND DANCE WITH ME, COME ON!” he pulled her away from the dad and forced her to dance with him around the flaming couch as she sobbed uncontrollably.
“I can’t breathe-” protested the Mom, because the house was filling up with smoke.
“No it’s okay,” explained Santa Bones, “I don’t need to breathe.”
“Oh…” the Mom surrendered, holding her husband tight. She accepted that this was surely the end of them.
But the Elves finally broke into the Bone Fortress, letting in a rush of sweet cold Christmas air.
“SKELETON!” roared the Elf King, “Your celebration has come to an end! Surrender now, or we will be forced to take you down.”
Santa Bones released the little girl and stared at him briefly before swiftly raising his bony hand, summoning the bones to reclose the hole in the fortress.
“NOT YET!” he roared.
Santa Bones knew that if he was to make this the best Christmas ever, he’d have to take it up a notch, and fast.
“HUMANS, TELL ME YOUR WISHES IMMEDIATELY!”
The Dad said, “Let us go please.”
Santa Bones pointed at the Mom, “AND YOU?”
“Please let us go,” said the Mom.
Santa Bones kneeled down to face the little girl.
“And you, child?” he asked gently.
“I want my mom and dad” she cried.
Santa Bones smiled, and threw her back on to the couch into her parents’ loving embrace.
He reached into the bones of the Bone Fortress and pulled out a bag.
“Since you can’t decide on something realistic, I’m deciding your presents for you,” he announced, pulling out three packages wrapped in bone-themed wrapping paper.
He handed one to each of them.
“Now promise you won’t open them until I leave,” he said, wagging his finger bone at them.
“We promise” said the Dad in relief, sensing an end to their nightmare.
“Good,” said Santa Bones, taking off his beard and turning the baseball cap backwards.
“I’m no longer Santa Bones, please call me Victor.”
“Fine.” said the Dad.
“Okay, I’m gonna get going, Merry Christmas!” said Victor, and he ended the Kidnap-Jutsu and all the bones clacked to the ground. The Elves were waiting outside.
“Are you done Skeleton?” the Elf King asked, tired.
“Yes, this was an okay Christmas,” said Victor, and he walked past them back toward the cemetery.
He looked back.
“Thanks for sharing your home with me, humans. Spook ya later.”
The ground swallowed him up. The Elves shrugged and walked off. The Elf King left his insurance information for the damages. He was supposed to keep the holiday-crazed skeletons at bay. He’d failed in his responsibility, but was happy that no-one was harmed besides himself, his nose being broken from Victor’s punch.
The family opened their presents.
For the Dad, a shiny harmonica.
for the Mom, a neat bottle of hand sanitizer.
for the little girl, there was the very lighter Santa Bones had used to set their couch on fire. She smiled.
They were all happy with their gifts and would never forget the joy that Santa Bones didn’t bring them that cold Christmas morn.
The End
In Pieces 