Marvel’s The Predator
When I saw the first trailer for the new Predator movie, I thought it looked awful. Campy, dumb, jokes, dick jokes, puns, explosions. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
“This looks like a fucking Marvel movie,” I said to myself. I didn’t know how right I was.
I didn’t watch the movie in theaters, because giving money to Hollywood in 2018 is KNOWINGLY contributing to child-rape, and I’m not even going to pirate it because I don’t watch bad movies.
Instead, I sat through a long, brutally detailed summary of the entire movie that nitpicks everything bad about it. If you’ve got a spare hour, here’s that:
anyway, fuck this movie and fuck you. there’s so many things wrong with this movie, i dont even know where to start. just watch that video if you need anything more substantial than “global warming is going to kill everyone, so the Predators need to act fast to steal autism from us!”
anyway, here’s a picture of the original, genuine Predator. Look how cool and sleek his mask is. All he wants to do is kill men and rip their spines out as trophies. Awesome. also, note the plasmacaster on his shoulder.
And now here’s the [CURRENT YEAR] Predator, who desperately wants to give himself autism, and wants to do so QUICKLY, because “climate change” is going to make humanity go extinct for realzies. Spines? I don’t want that, I want spinal FLUID, so I can GIVE MYSELF AUTISM.
Look how small his fucking mask is, he looks like he has a double-chin. the mouth-piece has like this needless decoration on it now too, so it looks like fucking puckered lips. It’s so goddamn stupid.
also, remember the plasmacaster? now it’s built-in to the mask. the targeting system is the entire weapon nowFUCKIHATEIT.I HATE IT SO MUCH.
God he looks like a fucking neckbeard.
here’s the OG Predator again with Arnie, notice how his jaw is tucked neatly behind his adequately-sized mask. god, so cool.
also there’s a Predator Iron Man suit at the end of the movie that the humans will use to fight back against the Predators. so stupid. the Predators have super-suits, but they still need to steal Autism from humanity, because Autism is such a super-power that it allows a child to effortlessly decipher an alien language. unreal.
oh and there’s like a super-duper predator that emasculates the more-traditional one with the dumb mask. that’s a big part of the movie. because they’re not actually honorable hunters who just enjoy hunting, they’re ACKSHUALLY obsessed with “evolving” themselves by stealing genes from other species. all those times in the past when we saw Predators ripping people apart? That was just them doing science. Very weird, stupid retcon.
fuck this movie basically. im glad i dont have an emotional attachment to media anymore, because i imagine i’d feel like a Star Wars fan.
at least it’s getting shitty reviews. maybe we can pretend it never happened, and the next one will be good, and i’ll be able to see it in theaters because by then Trump’s Space Force will have glassed Hollywood from orbit so it’ll be produced by people who aren’t sexual… predators.