Without another word, Rodrigo Jimenez shoved his fist through the goblin’s face.
“You’ve been shit talking me too long, ugly. Too long to suffer any longer.”
The goblin had no retort because he was dead. As soon as his body hit the ground, a gaggle of annoying goblin whores started shrieking at Rodrigo.
Rodrigo didn’t hit girls. Ordinarily. But he swiftly prayed about it and decided God would let him make an exception for these stupid hideous bitches.
“You sluts wanna dance huh?” Rodrigo grunted with his hand already firmly in the chest cavity of the loudest and most annoying goblin whore.
As Rodrigo pulled his hand up, cleaving the gobliness’s head in twain, the rest of them began to realize that they’d bitten off more than they could chew. Rodrigo had no intention of sparing them for being the weaker sex, because all goblins�male or female�are disgusting pieces of shit and deserve to die. That’s not what I think that’s what Rodrigo thinks. He punched 3 more to death. 1-hit knockouts, knocked right out of this plane of existence.
Suddenly, an elder goblin accostad Rodrigo with his hideous sense of entitlement.
“I want to see your manager,” it croaked. “Is there someone else I can talk to?”
“Sure, idiot,” Rodrigo growled and he punched him through the ground straight into Hell where he belonged. He should have died years ago, what a tragedy it is for goblins to be allowed to grow old and helpless while simultaneously unbearably annoying.
Rodrigo was done. His business was all finished here, in the goblin grocery store. This was his quitting day. On his way out, he punched another 2 goblins. One male, one female for balance.
“Rodrigo please don’t go!” cried Goblingirl, the only cute goblin because i dunno, she was half human or something.
“I’m sorry, kid. But I hate your people. Your sick, stupid people. I can’t be here any more.”
“But who’s going to manage the store?” she whimpered.
“You’ve got what it takes, kid. Corporate will promote you.”
“Take me with you.”
“I’ll call you tonight.”
Rodrigo didn’t call her that night. Not because he didn’t want to slide into her sweet young goblin sugar walls, but because he knew he’d be getting a visit from the Gloommeister.
A knock on his door. TAP TAP TAP. Behind a thin piece of wood was the most horrifying creature the world had ever known. The genuine bogeyman, here to punish him just because he killed a few worthless goblins. TAP TAP TAP, it wouldn’t stop tapping until the door was opened. So god damned annoying.
But Rodrigo wasn’t going out so easy. He faced the door and called out to the monster.
“Gloommeister, I’ve still got a 10 hours left of my Strength Potion. Let me live and I’ll kill at least a hundred suckers for you. I know you get tired in your old age. You prick.”
The tapping stopped. Was the Gloommeister actually considering this proposition?
“So are you going to open this door or am I going to kick it down?”
Drats! He was declining. Rodrigo, even powered-up, had no chance against the Gloommeister.
“Okay, I’m kicking the door down.”
TAP TAP BOOM, the door flew off its hinges and into Rodrigo’s face, rendering him unconscious. When he awoke, the hideous grinning visage of the Gloommeister was all he could see.
“I was waiting for you to wake up so you could die in fear,” he said. “But I’ve been thinking about your bargain. It’s true that I can’t gloom people as fast as I used to. So if you can kill TWO hundred punks in 10 hours, I’ll give you a Get-Out-of-Gloom-Free card. You can exchange it for not being killed by me one time.”
Rodrigo instantly extended his hand. The Gloommeister grabbed it and threw him out the window.
“GET STARTED!” he cackled.
Rodrigo landed with the grace of a swan on top of some goblin whore’s face. One down.
“BUT THERE’S A CATCH!” the Gloommeister called. “You can only kill Red goblins! Here, put on these sunglasses.”
The Gloommeister taped a pair of glasses to a frisbee and let it fly at Rodrigo. He caught it, put them on, and examined his surroundings. Half the goblins in Gob York City were now red. Surely this meant they were the targets for some hard, fast glooming.
“Don’t thank me, kid. If you don’t bring me two hundred goblins scalps I’m still going to eat your skin. Now go! Gloom to the extreme!”
Rodrigo did just that, and began punching the everloving shit out of every goblin marked red by his gloomglasses, a single punch sufficing for each one. He punched and he punched for hours.
“NOT SO FAST RODRIGO!” roared the Goblin General.
“Goblin General! I was hoping to spare you since you’re Goblingirl’s father and I want to bang her! But if you’re here to get in my way, then I’ll have no choice but to lay the smackdown on you as well!”
Goblin General assumed a fighting stance. An ancient one. One passed down through the ELITE goblin families. Goblin-Fu was not known to any man, because anyone who ever faced it didn’t live to tell of it.
Goblin General pounced like an ugly green cat and unleashed a quick series of japs lmfao I meant to type jabs but no forget it, a gang of Japanese men in suits popped out of the shadow and tackled Rodrigo. Goblin General approached, winding up a final punch.
“Thank you, my secret Yakuza allies. Now Rodrigo, you will die never having slammed my daughter. HAHAHAHAHAHA.”
Just then, something incredible happened. Rodrigo felt a surge of strength and realized that the Strength Potion he’d taken earlier for the purpose of violently quitting his job was an EXTENDED RELEASE potion. Hooray!
Rodrigo tore his arms from the grips of the Nippon gangsters and kicked Goblin General in the chest, sending him flying into a building. The Yakuza bowed respectfully and took their leave.
Rodrigo had to make up for lost time, and so he grabbed a katana that one of the gangsters dropped and flung it into a crowd, shiskabobbing 5 more goblinos.
His total gloomcount was now 99. He didn’t kick Goblin General hard enough to kill him because he still wanted a piece of Goblingirl’s ass.
“99. Just one goblin shy of 100.”
“I see you too are a mathematician,” said a scary voice from behind him.
Rodrigo turned to see a sword shaped like a number 1 swing at his head. He ducked justin the nick of time.
“Math Goblin! So you’re in town too…”
That’s right, Rodrigo. I’ve heard all about your mission. And I won’t let up get away with it. So I’ve KIDNAPPED Goblingirl, and if you ever want to pound her, you’ll have to go to my MATH MANSION.”
“I’m not afraid of a little math, Math Goblin.”
“Then what about a LOT of math?” Math Goblin asked as he fired a beam of math at Rodrigo’s head from his 1 sword.
Rodrigo fell to his knees in agony as Math Goblin danced around like an asshole.
“HAHAHAHAHA! I win, Rodrigo! I’ll keep filling your head with math until your brain explodes!”
But what Math Goblin didn’t realize was that Human brains weren’t small and weak like Goblin brains. Rodrigo wasn’t being hurt by the math beam, he had just accidentally stopped a sneeze and was upset that he’d lost it. So when Rodrigo returned to his feet, Math Goblin was astonished and fearful.
“N�no one’s ever survived my Math Beam!” he yelled.
“Shut the hell up, idiot. It’s just math.”
Rodrigo tore off Math Goblin’s arm.
“I’ll give you your arm back if you release Goblingirl from your stupid mansion,” he said.
What choice did Math Goblin have?
“Okay, Rodrigo! Here, take this key!” Math Goblin cried, offering a neato brass key.
Rodrigo accepted the key from Math Goblin and knocked him unconscious with the arm. Then he sewed it back on because Rodrigo was a good man sometimes.
Rodrigo knew that there’d be more goblins waiting for him. Math Goblin always employed minions. Every moment that Rodrigo wasn’t between Goblingirl’s legs was a moment wasted. But also, if he didn’t kill a hundred and one more goblins, he’d get gloomed by the Gloommeister. He could only hope that that exact amount of weak, red goblins were waiting for him on his way to smash Goblingirl.
The Universe was kind to Rodrigo, and this was exactly the case. How convenient! But there was a problem. The hundred and one weak-ass goblins were being guarded by none other than Goblin General wearing a mech suit. Uh oh!
“This is your LAST CHANCE, Rodrigo! Abandon your foolish quest of penetrating my daughter, and accept your punishment from the Gloommeister!”
“On the contrary, Goblin General! This is YOUR last chance! Leave me the hell alone and accept the fact that you’re going to have to start calling me ‘son’ before long!”
“You cocky son of a bitch, I’m sick to death of your arrogance!”
And then Goblin General died because he was indeed sick to death of Rodrigo. Goblin Doctor rushed over and confirmed his death.
“He’s dead,” Goblin Doctor diagnosed.
Another soul gloomed, yet Rodrigo was not proud of himself. On the contrary, he felt something close to regret, but it couldn’t possibly be regret could it? With Goblin General dead, nothing was standing in the way between Rodrigo and spreading Goblingirl’s legs. But still, Rodrigo couldn’t shake this strange, negative feeling. He felt that he’d prefer it if Goblin General was still alive. But Rodrigo had no time right now to meditate on this, because a hundred goblins�all of them conveniently red�were now charging him. Rodrigo didn’t have time to gloom them all!
But then the Yakuza appeared from the shadows.
“Reave this to us, Rodrigo. You go and fuck Gobringiru.”
Tears welled in Rodrigo’s eyes.
Rodrigo jumped on to Goblin General’s mech and activated its thrusters to fly over the goblin horde which now being katanaed by the honorabru Japanese gangsters. He smashed through the door, making Math Goblin’s key worthless.
“Goblingirl! Where are you?” Rodrigo yelled, sprinting through the mathematical labyrinth of Math Mansion. He turned a corner and saw her tied to a chair and blindfolded.
“Rodrigo! I can hear you but I can’t see you!” Goblingirl cried.
Rodrigo removed the dumb girl’s blindfold. She blinked and awooed in joy.
“Rodrigo! You came for me!”
“Not yet. But if the Yakuza can finish killing all those goblins outside in the next 10 minutes, the Gloommeister will leave me alone and we can go back to my place and ”’watch a movie or something.”'”
Right on cue, a Yakuza entered the mansion and bowed.
“The gobrins are dead as herru,” he reported.
“Thank you, Yakuza. In my heart I knew I could always rely on you.”
But then the Gloommeister also walked in.
“Okay boi. Are 200 goblins dead?”
“Yes sir, you should find their souls in your gloom account.”
“Okay let me check my phone.”
The Gloommeister took out his Gloomkia g5 and started swiping around.
“Gotta update the stupid app sry 1 sec…
okay. Well would you look at that! Two hundred goblin souls all gloomed up and ready to go. You did good, kiddo. Here, take this Get-Out-of-Gloom-Free card.”
The Gloommeister handed Rodrigo a gorgeous golden card that said “GOOGF” in a beautiful black font. It even had a watermark.
“Now give it back to me.”
Rodrigo handed it back.
“Okay boi you’re free to go. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go collect the Goblin General’s corpse.”
“My dad?!” cried Goblingirl. “What happened to my dad?!”
“Rodrigo killed him lmao,” said the Gloommeister. “What, you didn’t know? Hue hue hue.”
Goblingirl fell to her knees and began sobbing. Rodrigo had been cockblocked by the Gloommeister. He was mad beyond mad but he didn’t have time for that. He needed to make another deal with the Devil.
“Gloommeister, you have a close connection with the Devil! Won’t you please ask him to revive Goblin General?” he asked.
“I COULD do that, kid. But you’ll have to gloom some more people for me.”
“Name the targets, Gloommeister. I’ll do anything for Goblingirl!”
Rodrigo was now thinking with his dick.
Gloommeister grinned. “I’ll ask Satan to revive the girl’s father… if you gloom Satan afterwards.”
Everyone gasped, including the Gloommeister.
“You want me to gloom the Devil? Why?” demanded Rodrigo.
“I want to become the new Devil, boi. I’m sick of just glooming people. I want to be able to roast people in firepits. I could gloom him myself but then the Hell Senate would never allow me to become the new Devil. It needs to be YOU.”
“But Gloommeister, my Strength Potion has worn out. I can’t possibly defeat Satan.”
“You CAN, boi. You have incredible mystical power within you. It doesn’t come from Strength Potions. It comes from your desire to breed Goblingirl. It’s your testosterone. And with it, nothing can get in your way.”
Rodrigo knew it was true. He could feel it in his testicles.
“I’ll do it, Gloommeister. I’ll kill Satan.”
“Attaboy!” laughed the Gloommeister. “I’ll call him now.”
Gloommeister took his Gloomkia g5 back out and dialed 666.
“Hey Stan. I need you to resurrect the Goblin General. Why? Because some kid wants to get laid. Yeah. We’re all at that stupid Math Mansion in GYC. Okay, thanks.”
Gloommeister ended the call.
“It’s done. He’ll be here in half an hour.”
“Once he brings Goblin General back to life, I’ll take him down,” said Rodrigo.
“Oh Rodrigo! Thank you! You’re so brave!” cried Goblingirl, once again looking dtf.
Gloommeister rubbed his hands together greedily. He was going to become the new King of Hell and all it took was cockblocking some nerd.
But Rodrigo had plans of his own. He still hadn’t forgiven Gloommeister for getting in the way of him bedding Goblingirl.
Satan showed up in a pink Cadillac.
“SUP, LADIES?” he roared. He checked out Goblingirl and whistled. “Mhmmm, you’ve filled out, Goblingirl. How about after I raise your dad from the dead, you come home with me and I’ll show you my bedroom ceiling?”
Rodrigo had heard more than enough. His plan of betraying the Gloommeister by warning Satan was now on the back burner. Forget about being cockblocked, he now had to make sure the Devil didn’t cuck him.
“Can you resurrect Goblin General or not?” Rodrigo demanded.
Satan looked him up and down. Sizing him up. “Yeah, I can do it. But there’s no rush. Why don’t you come with me first, Goblingirl? I’ll do it after I do you.”
The Gloommeister saw his plan going to shit and exploded in rage. “THAT WASN’T PART OF THE DEAL, STAN! I’M SICK OF YOUR SHIT! RESURRECT THE GOBLIN GENERAL NOOOOWWWWW!!!”
Satan stared at him angrily, but snapped his fingers. Goblin General suddenly started breathing.
Goblingirl ran over to him. “Daddy!” she cried as she hugged him and wept.
From where he was standing, Rodrigo had a perfect view of Goblingirl’s green cleavage. A respectable size B, not too big, not too smol. Rodrigo’s balls felt like they were going to explode. Satan nudged him and winked.
“Okay, Goblingirl. Come o�,” Satan started, but Rodrigo began choking him out, absolutely blind with rage. There was no way in the fucking universe that this red piece of shit was going to get what was rightfully his.
But then, something shitty happened.
Rodrigo was pulled off by none other then the Goblin General! Sheeeeit.
“That’s ENOUGH, boy! I’m not going to let you kill the one who saved my life!” he said. “Goblingirl! I think it would be nice if you became Satan’s bride since he saved my life, don’t you agree?”
“But Daddy!” whimpered Goblingirl.
“That’s enough, child! Go with him NOW.”
Goblingirl hung her head and got into Satan’s stupid car. Rodrigo roared in fury, but not even he could break free from the grip of the mech suit.
“I told you you’d never take my daughter, Rodrigo,” said Goblin General. “You’re just a punk. Now she’ll become the Queen of Hell!”
“LMFAO you think I’m marrying her?” Satan started laughing so hard he started crying. “No you old fool, I’m just going to give her this fat cock then kick her sweet little ass out of my house.”
“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Goblin General tried running at him, but Satan kicked him in the face.
“Later nerds!” wheezed Satan, still laughing his ass off.
He got in the car and drove off into the sunset with Goblingirl, who still thought she was going to get married with her father’s blessings, not knowing that Satan was just going to hit it and quit it.
Rodrigo was no longer conscious. In order to prevent him from dying of anger, his brain had gone into hibernation. Gloommeister recognized this.
“When he wakes up, he’s going to kill whoever’s closest to him.”
“How long do we have?” asked the Goblin General.
“Until what?” Gloommeister grinned. “Until he wakes up or until Stan takes advantage of your daughter?”
Goblin General’s face went from green to red.
“I�I can alert my troops.”
“You buffoon,” hissed the Gloommeister. “None of your soldiers will make a move against Hell. Your daughter is as good as fucked.”
Goblin General walked into the adjacent dining room and slammed his fists on the table.
“There’s got to be SOMETHING I can do.”
Gloommeister picked Rodrigo up.
“You can help me get this boy to Hell. If we leave now we might get there in time to stop Satan from wrecking your daughter’s tight little pussy.”
“WATCH HOW YOU TALK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER!” roared Goblin General.
The Gloommeister slapped him across the face.
“No one tells me what to do, you green buffoon. You handed your daughter up on a silver platter, naked and afraid with an apple in her mouth. You think I’m disrespecting your daughter? Then what the fuck do you call what YOU’VE done to her? That boy you hate may have wanted to fuck her, but Stan wants to USE her. And you handed her right over to him, against her wishes. You separated her from the boy she wanted and NOW she’s going to take a big, thick red cock and be humiliated when Stan dumps her in front of all of Hell. SO DON’T TELL ME HOW TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER. DON’T PRETEND YOU CARE ABOUT HER, YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR STUPID MEANINGLESS CAREER, LEADING AN ARMY OF WEAKLING GOBLINS.”
To emphasize his point, the Gloommeister created a sword from thin air, tossed it like a boomerang, and it returned 10 seconds later sticking through 3 goblin heads.
“GOBLINS ARE PUSSIES. YOU’RE A PUSSY, GENERAL. THE ONLY GOOD THING OF YOUR ENTIRE DISGUSTING SPECIES WAS YOUR DAUGHTER, AND NOW SHE’S GOING TO BE RUINED. CASTING YOUR PEOPLE EVEN FURTHER INTO DISGRACE.”
Gloommeister was feigning righteous anger. He didn’t really give much of a damn. Sure, he wasn’t /glad/ about Satan taking Goblingirl, but he still had his eyes on the prize. And they needed to get Rodrigo to Hell ASAP, so that when Rodrigo woke up, he’d lash out at Satan rather than one of them.
Meanwhile, in Rodrigo’s dreams, he was furiously battling an army of Smug Satans that’d just taken Goblingirl’s virginity. They grinned at him and winked ceaselessly, no matter how many he pummeled into bloody paste. His mind was forcing him through this gauntlet in order to prepare him for his awakening, when his body would enter a primal, automatic state, and destroy anything standing between him and the cute goblingril he intended to take. If his mind couldn’t keep up with his body, he’d lose them both. There was no hope of controlling it, he simply needed to be able to survive the ride. And so his subconscious assaulted him with triumphant, chortling Satans bragging about what they’d done to the girl he wanted. HIS girl.
In the waking world, Rodrigo threw his fist out, punching a hole through the tank Goblin General and the Gloommeister were transporting him in.
“He’s ready,” said the Gloommeister. “I only hope we can get him there in time.”
It took them about 10 minutes to drive to Hell. Satan’s castle was yuge and red and very phallic. The Gloommeister incapacitated the guards by mocking them until they started crying. He EASILY could have killed them, but he really wanted to acquire some advanced-gloom. Quality gloom that could only come from extended periods of negativity, and the unrelenting bullying of the Gloommeister ensured that they’d be feeling down for a long, long time and in turn buffing his gloom account in the Downer Bank.
Now it was Goblin General’s turn. The shame he’d been feeling over his thoughtless betrayal of his daughter manifested in him tearing off the butler’s face after he refused to let them past the entrance. They now had free roam of the castle. At least, that’s what they thought until the faceless butler rose back up and began unleashing some extremely fierce karate at them. But this was what the Goblin General had been training his entire life for. This was the kumite to end all kumites.
“GO, Gloommeister! Go! Save my daughter! I’ll hold him off!”
The Gloommeister, an otherworldly being of untold power, was not even in the least concerned about the stupid faceless butler’s karate. But he felt bad for Goblin General and so pretended he was indeed performing a noble sacrifice. He gave him a thumbs up and floated away further into the castle carrying Rodrigo on his back, as the general engaged the butler with a series of strikes.
The Gloommeister heard some moaning and for a moment was afraid that Satan was already working Goblingirl over. He kicked open a door and was relieved to find it was just a harem of succubi having an orgy. They invited him in, but he let them know he had urgent business and asked for Satan’s location. They let him know Satan had ascended to the very head of his tower, indeed carrying a cute half-goblin girl. The Gloommeister thanked the harem, promising to return to them to reward their helpfulness.
Rodgrigo was begining to wake up. The Gloommeister kicked it up a notch. Normally, he liked to levitate at a power-walk speed, but now he was flying like a bat out of Hell. He needed to make sure Rodrigo was facing Satan when he woke up. Otherwise, Rodrigo would attack the Gloommeister and he’d be forced to put him down like a rabid dog. Then he’d have to find someone else to assassinate Satan. What a pain.
The Gloommeister flew up the tower like lightning, not stopping or even slowing at the heavy wooden door, but simply charging through it. His timing was impeccable, and he flipped Rodrigo off his back on to Satan’s, who was about to go down on an uncomfortable Goblingirl. Satan screamed in surprise at his door exploding off its hinges and a limp body suddenly mounting him.
“Rodrigo!” cried Goblingirl.
Rodrigo’s eyelids opened, revealing two pitch-black voids leading only to chaos. Still half-mounted on a surprised Satan, his arms flew out and wrapped around his neck like a snake. The action was not conscious, nor semi-conscious, it was Reality itself acting. Nothing else could happen at this point and time than Rodrigo squeezing the life from the Devil and saving Goblingirl.
But then, Reality itself was torn apart, as a portal opened behind Rodrigo and he was once again killblocked as two powerful sets of arms pulled him from Satan.
“Rodrigo Jimenez, you’re coming with us.”
“NO I’M NOT.”
The moment the cloaked strangers had touched him, in that very instant, Rodrigo had been drowned in a cosmic ocean. Reality might have given way to these strange interlopers, but now Existence itself was stepping in on his behalf. And if Existence itself would not suffice, an even higher authority surely would. Nothing, absolutely nothing could stop Rodrigo. And so Rodrigo, pushed backward into that space and time when he was strangling Satan, repeated himself.
“NO, I’M NOT.”
Of course, he was no-longer speaking with the same two men who’d grabbed him. Their very existence had been erased along with the entire Universe in which Rodrigo’s chokehold had been interrupted. Only Rodrigo, his anger, and his lust remained from that place.
The men were taken aback. They had not even yet grabbed him and said “Rodrigo Jimenez, you’re coming with us.” And they felt that they shouldn’t.
One of them gathered the courage to speak up.
“Rodrigo please, we need both you AND Satan alive.”
Rodrigo crushed Satan’s windpipe, pushed the body aside, and turned to face them. “What you need is stay out of my way. I know why you’re here. Your story has been revealed to me, equipping me to resist anything you throw at me. You hear me, Writer? I’m not serving Grueber! Write another character!
“Rodrigo please, it’s your destiny.”
“The only destiny I have is Goblingirl! I DEFY YOUR DESTINY.”
It’s hard to argue with a man on a mission to get his dick wet. The two strangers looked at each other and shrugged. They turned back to their portal. One hesitated before stepping through.
“That girl you love so much is in grave danger, Rodrigo. Everything you know is in grave danger. If you decide to wisen up, please call us. The Gloommeister knows how to.”
Rodrigo didn’t like being threatened, and unleashed a primal roar as he charged the stranger, who quickly followed his partner back through the portal, which closed behind him. Unable to stop in time, Rodrigo slammed headfirst into the Gloommeister.
“OW! BITCH!” Gloommeister yelled.
“Sorry Gloommeister. Thanks for all your help. Now please fuck off for a few hours.”
Rodrigo pushed the Gloommeister through the doorway and put the door back up. Gloommeister was happy for the kid. He was even happier for himself. With Satan deader than fuck, only he was qualified to become the new Devil. He decided to celebrate by paying a visit to the Whoreceresses, but first he stopped by the Succubi on the first floor. He had promised after all.
Several hours later, Gloommeister remembered the Goblin General. That old fool better not have died again. Gloommeister went to go check on him and was pleasantly surprised to see him resting beside the totally-killed corpse of the butler. Rodrigo and Goblingirl arrived as well.
“Daddy!” cried Goblingirl.
Goblin General woke up. “My child! PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T LET SATAN—”
Goblingirl hushed him. “No, daddy. Rodrigo and the Gloommeister came just in time!”
“PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T LET RODRIGO—”
Goblingirl glanced at Rodrigo, whose face was like stone.
“We talked about it. And we decided we’re going to get married first.”
Goblin General fainted and the Gloommeister started cackling.
“I insist you have the wedding in Hell. I’ll have the Succubi make all the arrangements!”
“Thanks, Gloommeister. But I’m concerned about what those two men wanted with me. Existence revealed to me that they were working for a man called Grueber and that they wanted to recruit both Satan and I. What do you know about all this?”
The Gloommeister frowned. “Not a lot. Grueber is an interdimensional time traveling businessman. We’ve done some glooming work together. I don’t know what he could be up to.”
“They said that we’re all in danger. I have to know what they meant because if anything gets in my way of fu–marrying this girl, I have to kill it.”
The Gloommeister wasn’t concerned.
“Kid, I’m going to be the Devil soon. I don’t know what kind of dumb shit those goons are dealing with, but nothing could possibly be a threat to me. And for all you’ve done for me, I’ll make sure nothing ever threatens you kids either.”
Goblingirl smiled. “Thank you, Uncle Glooms!”
The Gloommeister’s gray, shriveled heart swelled.
“Now if you nerds will excuse me, I’m going to go pay the Whoresercesses a visit. Maybe they can shed some light on what Grueber’s up to.”
The Gloommeister flew away to go get some information and pussy. Rodrigo felt a little relieved to be under his protection now instead of on his Gloom List. But he still couldn’t help but be concerned about the warning from the cloaked men.
“Honeyyyy~” Goblingirl purred. “What kind of wedding do you want to have?”
Rodrigo’s dick perked up. He knew that he could get away with the most simple wedding imaginable and have Goblingirl in bed in a matter of hours. She wouldn’t mind. She loved him. He’d gone through so much. He deserved this! But he also knew she–being a woman–would prefer a traditional Goblin wedding in a Goblin church. And he wanted her to be happy, because he was starting to care almost as much about her as the prospect of tapping that, which he cared about enough to strangle the Devil and alter reality.
“We’ll get married in the Old Country,” Rodrigo replied.
Goblingirl awooed in delight.
The Old Country for goblins was the Upperworld, the land of the humans. Rodrigo’s own home. The place he’d been running from all his life, going to such lengths as to even live among stupid fucking disgusting goblins. But to give Goblingirl the wedding she deserved, he was willing to face his past.
The succubi entered the room.
“Come with us, Goblingirl. The bride and the gloom lmao i mean groom must prepare seperately. Rodrigo, go to the Upperworld and pick out a church.”
The succubi then pulled Goblingirl out of the room, making sure to fondle her noice little booty in front of Rodrigo to tease him. He punched a hole through the wall and started preparing for his journey to the surface.
In the meantime, the Gloommeister was having a very serious talk with the Whoresercesses while one was riding him.
“What do you mean we’re all fucked?” he demanded.
The Head Whoresercess looked at him seriously. “I mean what I said, Gloommeister. A darkness is coming, and no-one will survive it.”
“But I’m the Gloommeister.”
The Gloommeister gripped his Whoreserecess’s hips and scootched down to get a better angle. He needed to end this quickly so he could think clearly. A power that could destroy even him? Nonsense. The Gloommeister rapidly prodded the Whoreserecess’s cervix with his long member, and she bit him so hard she drew blood. He pulled her down to him and gripped her like a vise as he began releasing his gloomish lifeforce into her, causing her to faint from her own delight. But he was the Gloommeister, and so kept his anaconda grip for several more minutes as he pumped jet after jet into her, causing her to overflow almost immediately. When he was finally finished he gently removed her and laid her down. She’d be unconscious for days. The Gloommeister confronted the Head Whoresercess.
“After witnessing that display, how can you tell me that there’s something in this universe that can defeat me?” he demanded.
“You can’t fuck your way out of every situation, Gloommeister. What threatens us comes from another universe entirely.”
The Gloommeister refused to believe it. Or at least, he refused to accept it. He gave the Head Whoresercess The Look, and they lunged at each other like rabid animals. The Gloommeister felt in his soul that perhaps an important realization would result from this encounter. Some kind of esoteric truth that could only be attained through this act. He gently pushed his head inside the Head Whoresercess, testing the waters. And then, he slid in absolutely effortlessly. And then, he understood Everything.
Rodrigo jolted awake. He had the strangest feeling that somewhere, for some reason, the world as he knew it was being changed. He told the taxi driver to stop and let him out. He’d walk the rest of the way.
“And just like that, their world is over.”
Joshi logged off and pulled out a smoke. Whores had been responsible for more deaths than nuclear weapons.
A knock on the door.
“Come in, Ben.”
Grueber walked in and popped a squat. Despite his size, he could slav squat with the best of them.
“You only smoke when you’re spooked. I take it that the Gloommeister’s fallen prey to those magical whores?”
“I don’t get spooked. But yes, the Gloommeister has now accepted the prescence of the Shade. The prescence of something greater than himself. I can no-longer use his ego as a firewall for their dimension.”
“They’ll be invaded. How long do they have?”
“Is there anything you can do to delay it?”
“Some things. But Gloommeister’s self-confidence was the ultimate shield. For centuries it’s protected their dimension. NOW, at the most inconvenient time, it’s broken. It’s fishy to me.”
“Like it’s all part of a greater plan?”
“I’m not a predeterminist.”
“Some things, Joshi, genuinely are predetermined by forces greater than ourselves. You can feel them in your gut. Spotting them is important. That’s why I’ve been successful all these years.”
Joshi couldn’t argue with the man traveling across dimensions to save Humanity.
“So what are our chances of defeating the Shade? Our chances of surviving all of this? What does your gut tell you about that?”
“That’s too hard to tell yet. But I do know something with absolute certainty. An invincible truth. Something much simpler. Send your drone to spy on Rodrigo.”
In an instant, Joshi knew what Grueber was up to. He didn’t like it, for a number of reasons. But in the months he’d known him, Grueber had demonstrated his absolute competence throughout countless Machiavellian schemes. He did as he was told, put out his smoke, and checked on Rodrigo. Grueber left him to it, and walked back to the bridge of the GSS Rand, the flagship of his interdimensional fleet.