sry for the formatting, im writing all of this in a text doc so i can add to it wherever i go from my phone
Rodrigo pushed open the massive doors of St. Johnblin Cathedral. Many human churches also secretly served as goblin churches, hiding in plain sight. St. Johnblin’s was one such church. Rodrigo walked into the confessional.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”
“Yeah, no shit,” said Priest Goblin. “You’ve murdered in cold blood over two hundred goblins.”
“Don’t give me the moral act, Priest Goblin, you know as well as I do goblin lives mean less.”
“Does that include Goblingirl’s?”
Oof. Low blow. Rodrigo bowed his head.
“We want to get married in your church.”
Priest Goblin let out a sigh. “Rodrigo you’re one of my people’s worst enemies. Why should I give you my church?”
“Because if you don’t, you’re obstructing me. And if you obstruct me, I will destroy you.”
But Priest Goblin was not afraid of death. His faith in Horror and his eternal spooky life after death would not allow him to be bullied by Rodrigo.
“Go home, Rodrigo. Forget about ever marrying Goblingirl. I’ll make sure no Goblin Church in the world lets you.”
Rodrigo suppressed his instinct to tear through the flimsy wooden barrier between them and strangle Priest Goblin to death. For some reason, he knew he wouldn’t have to. He felt an eerie calm and uncharacteristic acceptance.
“Very well, Priest Goblin. I accept your answer.”
“I, however, do not,” announced a familiar voice from outside the confessional.
Priest Goblin was outraged by this intrusion. “This is supposed to be a private sacrament!”
“Nothing is private,” Joshi said to himself, watching the scene play out from his laptop.
Rodrigo and Priest Goblin exited the booth and met Grueber, looking exceptionally holy.
“Benjamin Grueber!” spat Goblin Priest. “What are you doing wearing the vestments of His Holiness?”
“You’re speaking to His Holiness,” replied Grueber. “Pope Goblin XIV had a tragic accident. I am your Pope now.”
The look on Priest Goblin’s face would make anyone in the world feel sympathy for him. Anyone except Benjamin Grueber, who simply, mockingly smiled at him.
A long, agonizing minute of a silent staredown passed, before finally Priest Goblin snapped and with the fury only a man(or goblin) of deep religious conviction could possess, he let out a primal scream and made a move to attack Grueber.
The legendary reputation of the Goblin Pope’s Swiss Guard was not unearned. And now this elite guard was supplemented by Grueber’s own hand-picked men. Two men and half a dozen (six) goblins seemed to appear from nowhere. Rodrigo recognized the men who’d tried to interfere with him killing Satan. They now wore suits and before Rodrigo could even blink, Priest Goblin was on the ground in handcuffs.
“Send this heretic to the dungeons,” said Grueber pompously pretending to give a shit about the Goblinist religion.
The Priest Goblin howled in anger. “FIRE! FIRE AND DEATH! YOU’LL BURN FOR THIS, GRUEBER!”
One of the Swiss Guardblins kicked him in the ribs.
“How dare you speak to His Holiness in such a manner? You disgrace the Priesthood with your heresy.”
“PRETENDER! BASTARD! YOU’RE THE DEVIL HIMSELF, GRUEBER!” cried Priest Goblin.
A Guardblin was about to strike him again, but Pope Grueber held up his hand. He knelt down beside Priest Goblin.
“If you knew all that I knew, you’d wish the Devil was still alive to help us.” He gestured up at Rodrigo. “But this lad has killed what could have been a supremely powerful ally for all of goblinkind.”
Priest Goblin shut up. He didn’t have any idea what was going on. He didn’t care. The Holy Church had been hijacked by humans. He closed his eyes and wept silently.
Grueber stood back up and faced Rodrigo.
“Rodrigo, I invite you to join the faith of Goblinism. Then you will, of course, be entitled to use this church to marry Goblingirl.
Rodrigo sighed.” What do I have to do?”
Goblingirl was trying on a pretty dress when the sharkmen attacked.
The succubi fought valiently, but they were no match for the superior strength of the sharkmen, who cleaned their clocks.
“Who are you?” asked Goblingirl, spooked.
“We’re here to kidnap or kill you, idk which one yet,” answered the sharkman commando leader.
They approached her, but from the wooden floor erupted a long sword that cleaved the front sharkman in twain.
Two sharkmen were left absolutely bamboozled and frightened. They jumped up and clinged to teh ceiling rafters in fear.
But the rafter turned out to be snakes, and they wrapped around them.
“Kill the spare, hue hue hue,” said a voice from outside the door.
One of the snakes bit off the head of a sharkman, leaving just one.
The remaining sharkman shrieked in fear.
“I’LL TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT! PLEASE LET ME LIVE!”
The door exploded open and in walked two men in suits. Goblingirl remembered them as the men who’d tried to stop Rodrigo from fucking wrecking Satan.
“Tell us everything you know about the Shade!” said the man who carried a looooong sword and also he was wearing blind person sunglasses. He poked the sword around like a cane.
He poked the sharkman with his sword.
“OWWWWWWWW FUCK!” he yelled.
“Chriz, please.” The other man took out a drawing tablet and doodled something. From the tablet sprang a band-aid and he applied it to the shark’s new poke-hole.
“You don’t have to die,” he said. “You just need to talk. Tell us everything. Or else I’ll douse that bandaid in gasoline and light you on fire.”
“Why bother with him, Danz? He won’t talk. Sharkmen are as stubborn as Mulemen. We should just gut him now.” Chriz brandished his sword.
The sharkman started spilling the beans instead of his guts. And for the next half hour he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the Shade and how it’d corrupted the Shark People and that sharks didn’t even really like the way humans tasted and all the rest of the stupid Shark Week trivia/propaganda that they’ve been pouring down our fucking throats since we were kids.
“You’re telling me the Shark People weren’t always assholes? I find that hard to believe.” The swordsman gave him another poke.
“YOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I swear to GOD I’m telling the truth!”
“Don’t you swear to me,” said God.
Everyone turned, stunned by the awesome, blinding white light pouring from the doorway.
Goblingirl, a proper goblinist girl fell to her knees. “My Lord!” she cried, making the sign of the goblincross.
The men must have been fedora-tipping atheists or something because even though they were stunned, and in awe, they remained on their feet. Like when Aragorn stayed standing in front of Gandalf the White. I wonder if that was in the book? I know Peter Jackson took some liberties, wasn’t completely faithful, but you still just cannot deny that the films were masterpieces. Anyway Grueber’s guards stood standing.
The Sharkman just started crying.
Into the room walked none other than Benjamin Grueber, looking even holier than he did before.
“Sir, you’re early,” said Danz.
“Things are progressing faster than I had anticipated. God Himself has given me His blessing to act as the de facto deity of the Universe.
“NOOOOOOO!” screamed the sharkman.
“SILENCE!” said Grueber, and there was power in his voice.
The sharkman tried to continue screaming, but he had lost his voice.
“Drop that fish back into the ocean, boys. Goblingirl, come with me.”
Goblingirl jumped to her feet and ran after God-Grueber.
“My Lord, why have you visited us?”
She didn’t know any better. Grueber’s new powers made Goblingirl deaf to the fact that he was not the true Godblin, but merely the Steward of their universe. Good, that made it even easier.
“My child, Rodrigo must go on a Holy Crusade in My name.”
“But my Lord, we’re supposed to get married!”
“It must wait. Without Rodrigo, this world will fall into chaos. He alone can stop the great evil that threatens all of goblinkind.”
Goblingirl started crying. Grueber’s stone-heart chipped just a little bit.
“Do not cry, Goblingirl. For Rodrigo is truly blessed. I have seen the End, and he will return to you.”
Goblingirl sniffled. “R-really?”
Grueber smiled, and his teeth radiated from his Grueberide toothpaste. They were absolutely heavenly. He placed his hand on her shoulder. “Yes, my child. Rodrigo will be back.”
Joshi wasn’t happy. He’d been promised his own room onboard the GSS Rand. And now here he was SHARING it, like some kind of peasant, with this dumbass.
Rodrigo wasn’t happy either. He was tired. He was pissed. And this autistic dork Joshi wouldn’t shut the fuck up about computers. He didn’t care about any of it.
Joshi tried explaining to Rodrigo that Grueber’s mission was essential for the survival of all of their universes, but Rodrigo didn’t understand why the hell that meant he couldn’t slam Goblingirl.
“I keep trying to tell you, you dense asshole. Right now, as far as we know, you having sex with Goblingirl is the only thing that’s assured. Grueber’s traveled through countless timelines and countless dimensions, and it always happens. It’s the future set in stone. It’s the only thing that truly HAS to happen. So as long as you stay away from her, neither of you can die. So you’re a shield for this entire expedition.”
“But what IS the expedition?”
“There’s something out there.” Joshi gestured to their window, and the vast blackness of the cosmos. “Something out there that wants to kill us all. We don’t know what it is, we don’t know why it’s doing it. But we know it’s there. Acting mostly from the shadows. Corrupting the sharkmen, tricking the skeletons, all to try to end human existence. Grueber thinks it’s building up its power.”
“Who the fuck is Grueber anyway? Where did he come from? Who appointed him Guardian of Mankind?”
“It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time.”
“No, you don’t,” came a voice from the doorway.
Joshi and Rodrigo turned and gasped like little girls.
While Joshi and Rodrigo were busy gasping like little girls, the invasion had begun. The Gloommeister was up to his pointy ears in sharkmen. His promotion to Devil would have to wait.
“You ugly nerds CANNOT stay in Gob York City!” he announced through a gloomish microphone. “If you leave RIGHT NOW, I promise to not kill you all.”
The sharkmen with their peanut brains didn’t understand what they were up against. They charged Gloommeister, ten thousand strong.
Gloommeister levitated into the air and began casting Gloom Lightning at them, filling their minds with images of him banging their wives and daughters. They began crying and he just laughed and mocked them as the Gloommeisters inside their minds grinned at them and trusted into their families with gusto, slapping booties and disrespectfully finishing on faces.
In reality, the Gloommeister would never even consider touching a sharkwoman except to kill her. Hideous monsters, the lot of them. Nice tits, but that can’t make up for being a shark, sorry.
Still, his genjutsu hit hard and wave after wave of sharkmen fell to their knees sobbing. Gloommeister absorbed their negative feelings and grew to the size of a skyscraper. He was now Gloomzilla, stomping all over their feelings and bodies.
“Sir, the invasion has begun.”
“Yes, I can see that Danz.”
“I can’t,” said Chriz.
“We’ve got to get moving. We need to leave this universe.”
“We’re abandoning Gloommeister?”
“He’s defending Goblingirl. As long as he stays with her, he himself will be safe. You two know what to do. Prepare the crew for a jump.”
Chriz and Danz saluted and left. Grueber turned back to the massive window of the bridge and looked down at Earth.
“You cocky motherfucker, Glooms. Stay safe.”