cut my dick off and throw it against the wall, I’m living in Hell and there’s no future that I see for myself that doesn’t end in me commi
Rodrigo and Joshi has just finished gasping. Asia Bones was not impressed with their wimpy display.
“You two instantly remind me of an old student of mine. Which means you’re both pussies who are going to need some serious sculpting.”
Neither Rodrigo nor Joshi could tolerate such an insult. Rodrigo was the strongest man he knew, and a level 3 black belt in Goblin Ju-Jitsu. Even without a Strength Potion, he could knock a troll flat on its ass with a single punch. Joshi was no slouch either, having grown up in the rough-and-hacking streets of Neo-New York where he had to contend with both punks and coppers. Autistic to the bone, he’d used data he collected from countless fights to customize a series of martial arts to fit any occasion his massive brain could predict.
Nodding to each other, they jumped to their feet and charged Asia, intent to show him how tough they really are. And they really did.
Rodrigo was a Strength build, Joshi was a Dex build. But neither of them realized that Asia Bones was on New Game Plus. He grabbed both their arms and flipped them onto their asses. Then, he tore their arms clean off.
“Did you really have to tear their arms off, Asia?” asked Grueber.
“I can’t count how many times I’ve torn my students’ arms off and they became better men for it. It’ll teach them teamwork,” replied Asia.
“They’re both right-handed, though. Now my hacker can’t type and my brawler can’t punch.”
“They’ll figure out a way.”
“This is no good,” replied Chriz.
“We should have McMann’s space marines outfit them with prosthetics,” agreed Danz.
“NO,” said Asia. “This is a part of their training. When they can learn to fight without their arms, they’ll be ready for new ones.”
Everyone went silent. They trusted Asia. His training was the stuff of legends. A sculptor of Men was what he was. A Kingmaker. He’d turned blubbering pussies into fiercesome warriors. Surely he could turn two already-strong, if stubborn, young men into true warriors.
“This is bullshit,” mumbled Joshi as he typed at half-speed, hacking into EarthGov’s user accounts and deleted everyone’s desktop shortcuts to make himself feel better.
“Shut the hell up, nerd,” barked Rodrigo, as he did some one-armed push-ups. Rodrigo felt like shit. He was already in a bad mood, but now he was missing his right arm. Asia Bones assured them it was a part of their training, but he didn’t buy it. He didn’t buy any of this shit. How could missing an arm help make him a better fighter?
The answer came immediately as a shrieking alien burst through their door and started beating them up. If they didn’t do something, they’d surely be beaten to death. They were being forced to defend themselves now of all times, when they felt their weakest?
Joshi caught on almost immediately and stood back as Rodrigo unleashed some fierce kicks, destroying the alien which was actually just a puppet being controlled by Asia Bones.
“Congratulations, you’ve both passed the test.”
“But I didn’t even do anything,” said Joshi.
“Wrong,” said Donald Trump.
“It’s true, Joshi. You’ve learned to put your trust in others. You’re no-longer a lone wolf hacker punk.”
Joshi almost smiled. Finally, he had a true home and genuine comrades.
“And you, Rodrigo. You now know that punching doesn’t solve all problems. Sometimes you must kick.”
Rodrigo grunted in acknowledgement. He still wasn’t happy.
“I can tell you’re still not happy, so I have something for the both of you.”
In the blink of an eye, Asia Bones slammed some cybernetic arms into their arm stubs.
“These aren’t your average cybernetic arms. They’ve been cooked up by the elite science-mages of McMann’s Space Marines. THEY HAVE MYSTERIOUS PROPERTIES. IN FACT THEY’RE NOT EVEN CYBERNETIC AT ALL, THEY’RE MAGIC ARMSLMao.”
Joshi flexed his new Magic Fingers, and typed up a test code from his arm-keyboard. Incredible speed. Within a minute, he had all of the world’s remaining Dogecoin sitting in one of his accounts.
Rodrigo punched a hole through a wall, which by itself would be normal, but it also didn’t hurt at all. So that was nice.
Everyone was pretty pleased and celebrating on the bridge, but SUDDENLY, some kind of projectile flew at Grueber. It was immediately and anime-coolly deflected by Chriz with his sword. Grueber didn’t even flinch. A pair of handcuffs now lied on the ground, sliced down the middle.
“I knew you’d be coming eventually, Space Judge.”
A mysterious, cloaked dude appeared before them.
“Benjamin Grueber. You must stand trial for crimes against Humanity.”
“You FOOL, he’s trying to SAVE Humanity!” roared Asia Bones, and he prepared to beat the shit out of Space Judge, but Grueber raised his hand to calm him.
“Space Judge, I have no desire to fight you. I will stand trial.”
Space Judge grinned and snapped bis fingers. They were teleported into Space Judge’s pocket dimension, a magnificent courtroom, the basement of which was a prison whichhoused the worst criminals known to man.
“I finally have you, Grueber. After all these years, you will finally face Justice.”
“I believe you’re more right than you know, Space Judge,” Grueber replied calmly, as he took the stand.
Meanwhile, the Gloommeister was suspicious of how well he was doing while the world around him turned to shit. Gob York City had been occupied by Sharkmen and Crowmen and Menmen, aka “Giants” also known as the “Gigantes” from Resident Evil 4. In fact, almost the entire planet had been conquered. But here in Hell, he was still beating the everloving shit out of every charge from the enemy. It was almost like he was invincible.
“It’s almost like I’m invincible,” Gloommeister said to the Head Whoreserecess as he slid in and out of her.
“Please stop talking,” she moaned.
But the Gloommeister couldn’t stop talking. He had too much on his mind. He extracted some gloom from her to enhance her pleasure and get her to stop complaining. And so he continued musing, resting his chin on the top of her head as he continued humping.
“There’s something very suspicious about all of this. Where did all these invaders come from? What is Grueber up to? Why did he take Rodrigo?”
A sudden spark of insight came just as he did, and for just an instant an idea flashed in his mind. He groaned at having lost it.
“What’s the matter?” the Head Whoreserecess asked.
“Shhhhhhh!” he said. He still hadn’t finished shooting his gloom inside of her. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt that once he was finished, so were his chances of grabbing hold of that lost thought. He started pumping her again, hoping to buy as much time as possible.
“Oh Glooms!” she cried. He put his hand over her mouth. He couldn’t afford any distractions. She licked his palm and he released another jet. It was just what he needed.
“EUREKA!” he roared, and he leaped from the bed, flying out the window without opening it so shattered glass rained down on all the whoreserecess, annoying them.
Gloommeister flew straight to the Hell’s Army headquarters and barged in on Goblin General who was staring at a map. He looked awfully happy.
“Gloommeister. What brings you here?” he asked, smiling.
“What the fuck are you so happy about?” Gloommeister asked, frowning.
“It’s a beautiful day, Gloommeister. Sure, the world is being destroyed, but that blasted Rodrigo is finally out of the picture! He’ll surely be killed playing hero along with Grueber, and my daughter is finally safe from his advances.”
A powerful, powerful grin slowly crept along the Gloommeister’s face. He was about to rain all over this fuck’s parade and it delighted him so.
MEANWHILE WHILE, there was a ruckus in Space Judge’s court. Grueber was locked in a philisophical debate with Space Judge, who was also acting as the prosecutor and the executioner.
“YOU CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT, GRUEBER.”
“I can and I must. Without me there can be no Humanity. And without Humanity there can be no Law. You MUST release me.”
Grueber ignored his answer. He wasn’t asking, he was telling. “And you ALSO must join us.”
Space Judge starting screaming so hard everyone had to cover their ears so their eardrums wouldn’t burst. He was screaming against a hurricane, against Fate itself.
“I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF YOU THINKING YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! IT’S NOT HAPPENING THIS TIME! SOMEONE’S GOT TO TEACH YOU A LESSON!!!!!”
Space Judge leaped from his seat but before he could attack Grueber, he was grabbed by Space Bailiff, the Universe’s largest black man.
“He’s right, Your Honor.”
“Space Bailiff, not you too!”
Space Judge fell to his knees. The world was against him. What was Justice? Grueber was guilty of so many horrible crimes. Mere hours ago he had the leader of a religion assassinated. Yet he claimed to be the foundation of the Law, by virtue of being Humanity’s only real chance of survival. After all, who could stop the mysterious threat against them? Who but Grueber? No-one. Space Judge pulled out a knife from his robes.
“HE’S GOING TO COMMIT HARAKIRI,” cried Grueber. “STOP HIM!”
Swiftly, Space Bailiff grabbed Space Judge’s arm and yanked the knife from him. “No, Your Honor, we can’t run away from this.” He pulled Space Judge to his feet and they faced Grueber.
The tables were turned. But Grueber was a just god.
“Join us, Space Judge. Together, we will create a new, lawful existence for Humanity.”
Space Judge wasn’t an idiot. He knew “law” didn’t apply to Grueber, it didn’t even exist for him. Benjamin Grueber operated on a playing field so-far above humanity it was inconcievable to the average man. Why, then, was he fighting so hard to save the average man?
“We’ll join you, Grueber. For now.”
Grueber clapped his hands. “Excellent.”
Space Judge’s pocket-dimension was converted into a private Gruebercorp prison, where they’d be holding the many prisoners-of-war Grueber planned on capturing for information.