i have no idea why it autoformats like this, im just pasting it from a plain text doc. i dont care.
Meanwhile, the Gloommeister had just finished telling Goblin General that his daughter was literally destined to get banged by Rodrigo.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” gOBLIN oops, Goblin General howled. Jesus CHrist, Devin Townsend’s an incredible musician. what am i listening to? “Deep Peace” is the name of the song. God, this puts me at peace, it really does. I just said that without even thinking of the name of the song, that’s really how I’d describe listening to this. So how I’m feeling right at this moment is the exact opposite of how Goblin General felt upon hearing that the cocky little prick that he hated so much was guaranteed to give Goblingirl the D.
“I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS!”
“You don’t have to accept it, Goblin General. It’s going to happen anyway.”
But Goblin General also refused to accept that it didn’t matter whether or not he accepted it, and so he frantically radioed his commanders to surrender to the invading armies and instead ALLY WITH THEM. The Goblins were now on the side of the Sharkmen, and yet another threat against Humanity.
“Goblin General, what the hell are you doing?” asked Gloommeister.
“I’M GOING TO KILL RODRIGO.”
“You literally cannot. Grueber’s been to every reality imaginable, he always ends up working over Goblingirl.”
“STOP TALKING ABOUT MY DAUGHTER LIKE THAT! AND WHAT YOU AND RODGRIO DON’T KNOW IS THAT GOBLINGIRL ACTUALLY HAS AN IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER WHO IS ALSO NAMED GOBLINGIRL! EXCEPT I DON’T CARE ABOUT HER AT ALL BECAUSE SHE’S NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE ANYWAY! IF I CAN GET RODRIGO TO FUCK HER INSTEAD, DESTINY WILL BE SATISFIED AND MY SWEET LITTLE BABY GIRL WILL BE SAFE!”
Gloommeister was shocked. He never knew that Goblin General had TWO daughters.
But Goblin General proved it by Skype-calling her. She indeed was identical to Goblingirl.
“What do you want, dad?” asked Other Goblingirl.
“Goblingirl, what do you think of this boy?” asked Goblin General and he sent her a pic of Rodrigo. Actually it was his mugshot when he’d been arrested once for yelling racial slurs at a group of goblins on a subway train.
“Ooooh, he looks cool.”
This isn’t good, thought Gloommeister. She’s obviously a slut and is in to BAD BOIS. She can’t be allowed anywhere near Rodrigo.
“Goblingirl, pack your bags. We’re going to space. I’ll be home soon,” said Goblin General and he ended the call.
Gloommeister blocked his path. “I can’t let you go, Goblin General.”
But Goblin General had anticipated Gloommeister’s interferance, and pressed a button which jettisoned him out the ceiling.
“Shit,” said Gloommeister and he took after him.
MEANWHILE, Joshi was using his super-autism brain to make complex calculations and run countless simulations, trying to sniff out what The Shade was, where it was, and how to beat it. Rodrigo wasn’t concerned. He’d come to accept that he was invincible as long as he didn’t fucc Goblingirl.
“Don’t get cocky, kid,” said Asia Bones. “The Universe has a way of fucking us over, even when we think we’re invincible.”
“Yeah but I literally am invincible,” said Rodrigo and he flexed his magic arm smugly.
“Sir, a smoll ship is requesting to board. Goblin General and Goblingirl are onboard.”
Rodrigo’s dick perked up.
The door to the Chief of Securtity’s office opened. Without looking up from his work, Simon knew that it was his employer, Benjamin Grueber. The only man with the clearance to come and go at will to his office, the second most secure in the tower.
“Simon, I need to borrow your girlfriend.”
If Grueber were any other man in the world, Simon would have leaped over the desk and beaten him to death. But he did not. Not because Simon was his bodyguard. Not because Grueber was the most powerful man on Planet Earth, and any act against him would have meant even Simon’s demise. But because Simon knew that Grueber learned from the history, and unlike countless great men throughout time, when Benjamin Grueber “needed” a woman, it was not in the base, weak way of the flesh that a man typically does, but to fulfill his intricate and unknowable political machinations. Benjamin Grueber had no shortage of consorts, but none of them could ever be in a position to ruin him. Like every one and every thing else in this world, they were all his to do with as he pleased, and without any consequence he did not intend.
Indeed, the question was incredibly odd, even for Grueber. He was not normally a man to ask for anything, and Vi was already with them both, at all times, from whatever remote location she’d always been in, monitoring everything and influencing some through means unknowable and undetectable to anyone but herself. You can’t “borrow” someone who’s already everywhere, surely. Simon ignored the reality that Vi was not his to lend out to begin with, always at the back of his mind.
Simon played along.
“Vi, the boss wants to talk to you.”
She responded instantly. “Yes, Mr. Grueber?”
Benjamin Grueber took a seat across from Simon. “You think it’s strange, Simon. You see nothing wrong with a seemingly omnipresent girl, but the idea of me ‘borrowing’ her doesn’t make much sense, does it? The thing is, Simon, she and I will be going away. Far away. And we might not ever make it back home.”
Simon’s heart dropped into his stomach. Grueber liked to joke around–a lot–but he could always tell when his boss was being dead serious.
“Sir, she has eyes everywhere on this planet, she doesn’t need to go anywhe–” Simon cut himself short. He knew what Grueber was intending.
“That’s right Simon. We’re leaving this world.”
“Wherever she’s going, I’m going.”
“No, Simon. Not this time. I need you to remain in this world. To manage and protecc GrueberCorp while Vi and I are gone.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you, Ben,” replied the only woman in the world who could get away with calling Grueber by his first name.
Grueber ignored the disrespect. “You are, Vi. Because if you don’t, this world will die.”
“I’m not leaving Simon.”
“Sir, if you bring me–“
Grueber slammed his fist through the top of Simon’s desk, cleaving it in twain. Simon saw that his arm had been replaced with some kind of metal prosthetic.
“I DID bring, you Simon. The first time, the second time, God only knows how many times. You died.”
Simon blinked. “I… died?”