Rodrigo Gets Some Part 5

You know how to switch back to the classic-editor that isn’t a complete piece of garbage? You click on the QUESTION MARK in the corner of the editor, and then you have the option. it’s HIDDEN. Yeah, I get it. It might be a tiny bit nicer for photo-bloggers or people who don’t have a lot to actually say and just want all of their content compartmentalized in these stupid blocks. but it i cant COPY AND PASTE SHIT from a NOTEPAD DOCUMENT without wordpress ASSUMING that it’s CODE, DESPITE NO CODE, that’s a gigantiioaergjouiergjishtrs forget it. it’s always been bad. wordpress has never been good like that, that’s part of why i write somewhere else first and then just paste it here. i never trust wordpress to not make me want to just give up entirely and delete the whole site, so it’s good to always have everything backed up elsewhere.

anyway here’s the story.

PRESENT

“What do you think you are you doing here, traitor?” asked Grueber.
Goblin General, with Other Goblingirl at his side, appeared on the vidscreen. “Give us Rodrigo, Grueber. I’ve changed my mind about him and want him to marry my daughter. Give him to us and I’ll call off my troops.”
Grueber couldn’t help himself, he just started laughing his ass off.
He kept laughing for a good 3 minutes before he replied. “You really think you could outsmart me, didn’t you? I know that’s not the real Goblingirl!” EVERYONE GASPED.
“HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN THAT?!” demanded Goblin General.
“Because Gloommeister sent me a text message about 5 minutes ago warning me of your plot. Now get out of my sight.”
“Let’s not be so hasty,” said Rodrigo.
“That’s not the your Goblingirl, Rodrigo, it’s her twin sister.”
“Yeah but how can we be sure? Maybe I should go.”
Asia Bones karate-chopped Rodrigo’s other arm off. “YOU DISAPPOINT ME ONCE AGAIN, BOY. ARE YOU REALLY SO HUNGRY FOR PUSSY THAT YOU’D BETRAY YOUR FIANCEE?”
Rodrigo bowed his head in shame. “I’m sorry, Master. My dick got the better of me.”
Asia smiled. “No. I know you wouldn’t have gone through with it.” Then he replaced his arm with another cybermagic arm.
Goblin General started screaming at the top of his lungs. His plan had been foiled. Now what would become of him?
ALSO-PRESENT BUT A BIT BEFORE WHAT JUST HAPPENED WITH GOB GEN

“Who the hell is this?” asked Joshi, peering at the drone buzzing before his face.
“This, Joshi, is Vi,” answered Grueber. “The most dangerous hacker in the world.”
Joshi punched the drone, sending it crashing to the floor. “Don’t bullshit me, Grueber, who is it?”
The drone rose and sent a dart flying from its chamber, which Joshi just managed to block with his cyber-arm. But the dart opened up and a USB inserted itself into Joshi before he could call bullshit.
A girl appeared in front of his eyes.
“Hi, I’m Vi 🙂 ” she said. Joshi could even hear her emojis. She was a gifted typist at the very least.
Joshi tore the USB-dart from his arm. “What are you doing in my head?”
Grueber answered for her. “Joshi, Vi comes from my own world. I’ve brought her here to be your sparring partner. To make you both better. She’s got the tech, you’ve got the brain.”
“I WANT THIS MALWARE OUT OF MY HEAD!” roared Joshi, and he took his head in his hands angrily searching through his files to find Vi’s location.
“It’s not malware, jerk 😦 ” replied Vi, “It’s how I’m going to communicate with you!”
“So where is she?” asked Chriz
“She never tells anyone, Joshi. The Rand is the size of a city and necessarily operates just as chaotically as one. Vi’s apparently an expert gray man–she can blend in with any crowd. The resources it’d take to pin her down, if even possible, cannot be diverted from the war effort.
Joshi sat down angrily at his battlestation and took command of some of the ship’s guns, raining down autistic hell on a goblin fleet.
Come on, I can be like your Cortana :3 Vi chirped in his brain.
“A data-mining product of the Micro$soft corporation disguised as an assistant? I don’t need an assistant.”

PRESENT-PRESENT

“Goblin General, surrender, and we won’t blow you out of the sky.”
“I can’t do that, Grueber.”
“Joshi, blow them out of the sky.”
“k.”
“WAIT, WE CAN’T. OTHER GOBLINGIRL IS INNOCENT,” cried Rodrigo.
“Dats white daddy, im innosent UwU ” said Other Goblingirl.
“LET THEM ONBOARD IMMEDIATELY!” demanded Rodrigo, and he began punching the shit out of all the computers.
Chriz and Danz tried to restrain him, but a powerful aura surrounded him, repelling them. Even Asia Bones couldn’t break through!
Finally, Rodrigo managed to hit the button to open the uh… what the hell do they call those… bays? The docking bay, he open the docking bay doors! And Goblin General pulled right in! Everyone ran to the docking bay to meet them.
“Tank uWuuuuu~” said Other Goblingirl, and she walked toward Rodrigo, arms outstretched.
“Stay away from him you harpie!!” roared Asia Bones, and he tried punching her in her stupid whore face, but SHE BLOCKED IT! WHAT?!
“Dats not vewy nice -_- ” she said, and she did a spinning back kick at him, which he just barely managed to duck under!
“Who taught you how to fight?” asked Asia Bones, astonished.
“I’ll nevah tell uwuu!” said Other Goblingirl and she threw a sokebomb and disappeared.
“Chriz, Danz, find her,” ordered Grueber.
“I’ll go to!” said Rodrigo, but Asia Bones kicked his legs out from under him and then karate chopped them off.
“You’re not going anywhere, Rodrigo. Not until you learn to control your DEGENERATE LUST.”
When Rodrigo awoke he was being watched over by Joshi.
“Joshi, what are you doing here?”
“They want me to make sure you don’t try escaping to go bend over Other Goblingirl.”
Rodrigo sat up, and noticed his legs were still missing.
“Why haven’t they given me new legs yet?”
“Asia Boots lmao autoxorrect WOW it doesn’t correct autocorrect. ASIA BOXES WOW HOL YSHIT ASIA BONES IS REAL disappointed in you, Rodrigo. He won’t let them replace your legs until you can prove you’re not controlled by the Nine-tailed Lust Fox demon inside you.”
“WHAT? THERE’S A DEMON INSIDE NE?”
“Yes, they’res a demon in sidr you, Rodrigo. Asia Bones detected it when you were sleepyibg. It’s very powefful fox.”
“Why are you talking like that? YOU souns like a retard abs now sk do I!!!”
THeres a glitch in the matrix Roxeifo, dealitty ia testing itself apart because of the shade. We have to to be careful now, now more careful than we EVER been before!” Hoshi deplied.
A clutch in the mastic?
NO RODRIGO A GLITCH IN THE MAURICE I MEAN MATRIX.
“Calm Dien everyone,” said Gdueber, well be through the wormhole soon enough.v
ARE YOU SURE WILL SURVIVE?
DEMANDED Joao
“yes Josh, I’m sure, said Vi.
I want asking you” Joshi barked and then he turned into a good dog and stayed barking in void
JOSHI NOOOO!!! Yelled Rodriguez and he tied to jump into the portal after him but hanz and chris locked him
“If you go, you’ll both die!” grover said. L

Meanwhile, in the portal, Joshi had, with the help of Vi, finally managed to hack reality, cocooning himself while he processed what was going on. He was a dog now. some kind of pit mix it seemed. He fashioned a mirror into existence ex-nihilo and confirmed that yes he was a pit mix.
“Vi, what’s happening to me?”
“You mean what’s already happened? You’re a dog and we’re outside reality now.”
“This is trash.”
“Yeah I know. Your brain is beginning to turn into mashed potatoes, I can tell. You’re only holding on by sheer force of will, it’s admirable.”
“Am I a good boy?”
“You’re a good boy. Now take a nap and let me think.”

While V tried figuring out a way to use the fast-fading resources in Joshi’s brain to pull them back into existence, the rest of the crew were still a little shaken up by what they’d experienced.

“What was all of that?” demanded Rodrigo.
“That was an uncertainty bubble,” replied Grueber. “When we passed by it, it began warping our reality. We’re free now, it would seem.”
Chriz and Danz walked out to guard the room as Grueber took a seat on Rodrigo’s bed.
“Rodrigo, you have to trust me. Other Goblingirl is no good for you.”
Rodrigo stammered. “I- I don’t want to do anything with her, I just…”
“I know what you ‘just’, Rodgrio. And so I’ve taken the liberty of depriving you of that option. Feel between your leg-stubs.”
Rodgrigo threw off his blanket, pulled up his hospital-pants, and noticed that he’d been emasculated.
NO.
“Now listen Rodrigo–”
“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
“Chriz! Danz! Calm him down!”
Chriz and Danz burst in and stuck Rodrigo with syringes full of Super Calmdown Potion. BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH nnnnnnnnoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RODGRIGO JUST KEPT SCREAMING HIS freakin head off. Reality was tearing itself apartAGAIN. Distortion bubbles were poppin’ in and poppin’ off all over the place!
Inside one of the bubbles, they saw Joshi! Hi Joshi, good boy!
“JOSHI, JUMP!” cried Vi, and Joshi leapt through back into reality! Give him a treat!
Meanwhile, Rodrigo was still screaming his lungs and reality apart.
“This wasn’t a good idea!” said Chriz and Danz in unison.
“Perhaps it wasn’t!” acknowledged Grueber. “But his genitals aren’t on the ship any longer! They’re being transported to Hell for safekeeping to keep them away from Other Goblingirl!”
And at those words, just like that, Rodrigo vanished into thin air. Where did he go?

Rodrigo woke up. He was in hell. But why?