Rodrigo woke up. He was in hell. But why?
“I can sense it. My dicc,” he said out loud and a bunch of girls starred at him. He scared them away by threatening them with his leg stumps and crawled toward the HELL CAPITAL, THE CAPITAL OF HELL. He met intense resistance from several squads of goblins on his way there but he crawled through them. Any who touched him lost whatever part of their body they connected with, like sticking your body in lava except a million billion trillion times hotter and deadlier; anything that pressed into him simply no-longer existed, leaving behind gushing wounds. Look at your arm and now imagine that half of it suddenly just disappeared. That’s what was happening to these dumbass goblins. And so he kept on crawling, as the idiot goblins kicked him and lost their feet, speared him and lost their spear-tips, and tackled him and lost their entire bodies, like diving into a vat of the most absolutely perfect acid conceivable.
Rodrigo crawled and he crawled and he crawled and he crawled until finally he came to the Hell Throne, the ultimate seat of power inside Hell. And who else would be sitting at it than his old friend, the Gloommeister???
“Rodrigo, it’s good to see you,” Gloommeister said, and he floated toward him, holding Rodrigo’s stolen member!
“Gloommeister, what–” Rodrigo started, but Gloommeister shooshed him and with a quick THWACK, slammed the dick back on to Rodrigo, mending it instantly with his incredible powers.
“There. Better? Grueber texted me the whole story.”
Rodrigo fell to his knees and started crying. “T- thank you, Glooms. But why? Why did they do this to me???”
“You’re too horny, Rodrigo,” Gloommeister said. “You’ve got to work on that. You’ve got to fix yourself, or this world, everything and everyone that you love, and even you yourself will fall to ruin. And you know this to be true.”
Rodrigo looked within himself. He knew they’d only taken his dick to protect the world. It was of course true that he desperately wanted to drill Other Goblingirl. But despite that, he still wanted to remain faithful to Goblingirl. Still, he didn’t know whether or not he had what it takes to resist his own libido. What a fucking dilemma!
“There’s no time for talking, Rodrigo. Here, take these robo-legs too. I need you to help me defend this throne from…”
“From what?!” demanded Rodrigo.
“FROM ME!” roared Satan, and he punched Rodrigo in the mouth, sending him flying through the wall like an asshole.
“Ah, Stan. We meet again…” said Gloommeister, and he summoned his triple-sided scythe.
“You really thought you could get rid of me, eh Gloomy? Well TOO BAD BECAUSE GOBLIN GENERAL USED A SCROLL OF RESURRECTION ON ME AND this time I’m going to have Rodrigo kill YOU!” Satan laughed and he pressed a button and a giant TV-screen came down and it showed GOBLINGIRL TIED UP OVER A POOL OF SNAKES!
“GOBLINGIRL!” yelled Rodrigo!
“RODRIGO, IF YOU WANT ME TO FREE GOBLINGIRL, YOU WILL KILL THE GLOOMMEISTER!!! OTHERWISE, I WILL PRESS THIS BUTTON AGAIN AND YOUR BELOVED GOBLIN WAIFU WILL BE RELEASED INTO A POOL OF DEADLY SNAKEARINOS!!!” laughed Satan and he threw Rodrigo a knife.
Rodrigo took the knife and turned to Gloommeister, who nodded knowingly. They had no choice but to play Stan’s game.
Rodrigo charged at Gloommeister with a knife-jab that broke the sound barrier, but Gloommeister transformed into smoke and dodged it. Rodrigo lunged at him again…
Meanwhile, Chriz and Danz had infiltrated Satan’s hideout and were doing battle with the goblin guards. They desperately tried radioing Satan to warn him, but Joshi had hacked their equipment, and so they were only able to transmit Japanese hip-hop, and that was Satan’s favorite so he just hummed along happily and smiled like a stupid asshole, completely oblivious to his plans being absolutely blown the fuck out.
But would it really be?
As Chriz and Danz beat the living shit out of the goblins, they heard a the sound of giant footsteps. Something bigg was coming their way! They spun around in surprise to see the door being kicked in by the biggest, baddest goblin they’d ever seen!
It was none other than GOBLINGREG, Goblingirl’s brother! He was an absolute beast. A pro-goblin Olympic weightlifter, Goblingreg was a peerless speciment of goblin super-male vitality.
“GOBLINGREG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” demanded Danz, who’d once trained in MMA with Goblingreg.
But Goblingreg just let out a vicious roar that shook Danz and Chriz to their core. He shoured lmao i mean shouted “I WON’T LET YOU KIDNAP MY SISTER!!!”
Oh what cruel irony! Goblingreg thought that he was proteccing his sister! He didn’t know that Satan had tied her up over a pool of snakes!
Danz said “Goblingreg, please, let us explain!” but Goblingreg just yelled and threw a dumbbell at him! Chriz only just managed to slice it in half out of the air.
“Goblingreg, just because you’re Goblingirl’s sister doesn’t mean we won’t be the shit out of you if we have to!” BUT GOBLINGREG CHUCKED ANOTHER TWO DUMBBELLS AT THEM! Chriz was only able to deflect one while Danz ducked under the other. WHERE WAS HE GETTING ALL OF THESE DUMBBELLS?!!
“Satan gave me absolute power over gym equipment,” Goblingreg said. “I can bend reality itself in exercise-related ways, Narrator!!!” YOU COCKY SON OF A BITCH, HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS ME DIRECTLY?! GOBLINGREG’S PENIS SHRUNK 2 INCHES RIGHT THEN AND THERE!!!
“Dammit…” Goblingreg muttered. “I can’t challenge you yet. So be it. BUT I CAN STILL DEFEAT GRUEBER’S GOONS!!” and then he started throwing ATLAS STONES at the two like cannonballs!”
Chriz and Danz dodged for their lives. They couldn’t advance at him, he was pulling the atlas stones out of thin air and chucking them too fast!
“DAMN IT!” they said in unison.
Meanwhile, Rodrigo and Gloommeister will still doing their dance.
“What’s taking them so long?” asked Rodrigo, who’d been quietly clued in to the operation.
“Something must have gone wrong. We’ll have to get that button back from Satan!”
“I HEARD THAT YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!” SCREAmed Satan! He’d put in a hearing aid so he could hear them whispering to each other! “GOBLINGIRL IS FUCKING DEAD!!!!” and he pressed the button! Oh no!!!
The TV showing Goblingirl suspended over the snakes retracted back into the ceiling!
“WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!” screamed Satan.
“You clown,” said Gloommeister. “That button only controlled the TV the entire time! So where is the button that releases the rope?!”
“You’ve been bamboozled, Satan,” borked Joshi smugly. Everyone turned and gasped! It was Joshi, the hacker king/good boy!
“DAMN IT ALL!” cried Stanan, and he turned into a bat and flew through the window! I didn’t know he could do that!
“How did he come back to life?” questioned Rodrigo.
“It would appear that you’re not the only one who can defy reality,” said Grueber, appearing on everyone’s wrist-communicators. “Indeed, it seems that even Joshi, who is a good dog, was able to hack it and give you all these wrist communicators some time ago and we’re just finding out about them now.”
“Thank you Joshi, very cool!” said Gloommeister admiring his cool new watch.
“Be careful with them, everyone. They’re not your average smartwatches, because they’re not stupid pieces of trash. They never have to be charged because they are powered by UNCERTAINTY.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m not certain. But Joshi and Vi cooked them up when they were in a state of drug-induced euphoric-hacking, or so they tell me.”
“What drugs did you guys take?”
“We got high on life, Rodrigo, you should try it sometime :^) ” said Vi. Joshi laughed. It was nice that they could bond over making fun of Rodrigo.
“Anyway everyone, these wrist communicators aren’t just wrist communicators. They’re multi-tools! They’ve got a screwdriver- philip’s head and flat- wire cutters, knives, and EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS POWERS THAT WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.”
“Wow, they’re just like the uhh… Space Marine arms that Rodrigo got! I wonder how we managed to create such awesome, alien-like equipment?” Joshi internally questioned Vi.
“I’m not sure either, Joshi. There’s only one thing that’s certain: we’re the best.”
Joshi barked happily.
“Good boy!” said Gloommeister, who was a big dog guy.
“ENOUGH OF THIS! WE HAVE TO SAVE GOBLINGIRL!” said Rodrigo.
“Chriz and Danz should have been back by now, Grueber,” agreed Gloommeister.
“Hmmm…” said Grueber. “Very well. We have to assume that Chriz and Danz have failed their mission. But still, we can’t let Rodrigo close to Goblingirl. He’s too horny.”
“THAT’S NOT TRUE!” protested Rodrigo.
“Look Rodrigo, Goblingirl’s behind you!” exclaimed Vi, casting a hologram from Joshi’s robotic dog-eye.
Rodrigo lunged through the hologram, pelvis-first, with such for that he smashed through the wall.
“LMAO good one, Vi,” said Joshi inside his head. He was beginning to enjoy her presence because she was pretty funny.
“Yes, Rodrigo is still far too horny,” said Gloommeister. “The hacker-dog and his AI should go check things out.”
“I’m not an AI!” protested Vi.
“And I’m not a dog!” barked Joshi, the dog.
“You two get going. If something managed to defeat Danz and Chriz, it must be absurdly powerful. Watch your backs.”
Chriz and Danz were taking cover in a pyramid that Danz drew from his magic tablet.
“This was a good idea, Danz. All the gym equipment in the world will never be able to break through this stone.”
“That might be true, Chriz. But it doesn’t matter, because LOOK OUTSIDE!”
The pyramid was being swarmed by skeletons!” OH NO, WHAT?!
“I don’t see anything,” said Chriz.
“It’s a bunch of skeletingtons,” said Danz, “and they’re super spooky.”
Indeed, the skeletons’ mouths were all open and their skulls were shaking as if they were silenting screaming. They walked slowly toward the pyramid, encircling it. There must have been over SEVEN.
“You know that’s not a problem for me,” said Chriz. “I’m only scared of *real* things.”
“Fine. You go out there and deal with those spooky boys, and I’ll take care of Greg.”
Grueber’s elite guards did a fist bump and charged out of the pyramid.
Chriz slammed his sword through 2 skellyskulls immediately, and Danz quickly drew a Wendigo on his tablet, and flipped it at Goblingreg! Goblingreg was extremely racist against Wendigos and started hurling the worst racial epithets he could think of as fast as he was hurling Total Gyms and Stairmasters, which was very fast. It took everything Danz and the Wendigo had to deflect all the equipment out of the air. Meanwhile Chriz was dabbing on the skeletons without even looking at them. Indeed, he was blind to “things that don’t exist”, and so was completely immune to them making spooky faces, which would have incapacitated other men, no matter how brave.
After sevearl hours, Chriz and Danz were getting tired though. The skellies weren’t staying down, and nothing Dan drew could get past the flying gym equipment. It seemed like all hope was lost. BUT WAIT, WHAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
A treadmill that Goblingreg pulled from the ether to chuck at Danz suddenly exploded. BUT HOW?! All will be revealed.
“HOW DID THIS TREADMILL EXPLODE SUDDENLY?!” roared Goblingreg, nursing his wounded arm.
“The treadmill was wi-fi enabled,” barked Joshi, scampering through the door. “You made it too EZ.”
INDEED, the treadmill was wi-fi enabled, allowing you to “Share” your workout progress on social media! Because what’s the point of doing something unless you’re doing it publicly?
Goblingreg howled in agony and shame. “NOW MY BELOVED SISTER IS GOING TO BE KIDNAPPED!”
Joshi bit him on the leg.
“No, you dumbass! She’s ALREADY BEEN KIDNAPPED! BY SATAN!”
“WHAT!? B- BUT DAD SAID…”
“B-BUT DAD SAID!” Danz mocked. “You were played like a damn fiddle, kid. Your dad is a spineless loser who cares more about spiting your sister’s fiance than saving the world. Go through that door and you’ll see the truth!”
Meanwhile, Chriz was still fencing against the skeletons, who were invisible to him of course. This took a level of skill incomprehensible to anyone but the blind monks who’d trained him in his youth.
“GUYS, STOP!” roared Goblingreg, and the skeletys stopped swinging at Chris. “We’ve all been betrayed, supposedly! Let’s go check on Goblingirl!”
And so, hand-in-hand, they all walked into the next room to find Goblingirl suspended over a snake tank.
“Hi guys!” she said happily. “Is Rodrigo with you?!”
Chriz cut the rope after Danz drew a bunch of big toads and mongeese to devour the snakes.
“No Goblingirl, Rodrigo is in Hell.”
“Where are we now?”
“Well, also in Hell, but Rodrigo’s at the capital with Gloommeister.”
“Aww, you call him that? Anyway, yeah, we can’t let you visit him yet though, Goblingirl. Not until this war is over.”
Goblingirl frowned and sniffled and every man’s heart broke into a million pieces.
MEANWHILE, Gloommeister and Rodrigo were talking.
“Goblin General can’t keep getting away with it,” snarled Rodrigo.
“And neither can SATAN,” snarled Gloommeister.
They grabbed each other’s hands like Dutch and Dillon from Predator, and it was no-less impressive. Rodrigo’s Magic-Science Space Marine-edition arms were so massive they tore through his long-sleeve tee and Gloommeister was no slouch himself. This handshake was essentially signing the death warrant of both Satan and Goblin General. Gloommeister and Rodrigo would no longer allow those two goofy fucks to get in the way of their ambitions!
With Satan resurrected Gloommeister was told by the Hell Senate that he could not be the King of Hell. He had to defeat Satan in an MMA match to the death, it was the only way!
This handed Gloommeister’s target up to him on a silver platter. But there was still the question of how Rodrigo was going to take out Goblin General, while not upsetting his fiancee. And where exactly was Goblin General, anyway???
“Oh yeah, Goblin General is our prisoner here on the Rand,” said Grueber, speaking through everyone’s wrist-communicators. Other Goblingirl, who we’ll call OG actually wait no we won’t call her OG, that like implies she was the “original” and that’ll just make everything even more confusing. We’ll call her…”
“We’ll call her Karate Goblin,” said Asia Bones.
“Agreed. She is indeed good at Karate, so that is what we should call her.”
“So what about her?”
“She’s hiding somewhere in the Rand. So we can’t have Rodrigo coming back onboard until she’s been taken out.”
“And I’ll be the one to do it,” said Asia Bones, and he cracked his knuckles.
“Are you sure, Asia? She’s got the power of youth on her side,” said Grueber, concerned. Asia Bones was over 30 years old. And men and skeletons both begin to lose their testosterone around that point in their lives. Oh man oh god i have to make sure i dont let myself deteriorate, how the hell can we fight back against Father Time?!
“Narrator, please. As a skeleton, my testosterone is EXTRA SPICY. She took my by surprise on the ship, and that’s all. This time, instead of using just 1% of my strength and speed and grace on her, I’ll use 27%. That will be more than enough.”
“I trust your judgement,” said Grueber. “Meanwhile, McMann and his Space Marines are still mopping up the Goblins across the solar-system. Once they’ve been wiped out, we’ll be able to refocus our efforts on solving the mystery of the Shade.”
“Grueber, can I talk to you?” asked McMann. It’s been a while since we’ve seen him! Remember, he’s the Commander-in-Chief of the Space Marines? He used to just be a sergeant, but since this is the end of the world he’s been promoted.
“Yes, Commander McMann, of course. What’s on your mind?”
“Grueber, I don’t like how much faith your putting in these weirdo mercenaries of yours. Talking dogs? Artists? Horny teenagers? We’re dealing with a crisis like mankind has never faced before. This makes the old Great Skeleton-War of 2070 seem like just a regular Skeleton-Skirmish. And you’re putting a bunch of weirdos on the frontlines.”
“Do you doubt the capabilities of my hires, McMann? These aren’t mere mercenaries. This is an elite fellowship, the greatest to ever exist, and you yourself are included in it.”
“I’m just worried, Grueber. This is, at the end of the day, a war. And we need soldiers more than we need weirdos.”
“That’s why you’re here, McMann.”
“It’s not enough! We can barely hold back the goblins. And we already know that the enemy has Sharkmen, Rogue-skeletons, Cheetahmen, Crowmen, Sentient Dancing Wooden Puppets, and telephathic bitches with bipolar disorder.”
“No McMann, you misunderstand me. It WILL be enough with you, I’ve made sure of that.”
Grueber took out his phone, the Gruebkia500 and showed him a pic he was keeping on his Mega account.
“You want me to share that file with you?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna need that link.”
What did Grueber show McMann? Let’s find out.
Meanwhile, Joshi was chasing his tail as Vi desperately tried hacking reality with the most powerful mechanical keyboard that the Space Marine Magician-Technicians could prepare for her. She needed to get Joshi back into a human body before his mind was totally dogged. He’d be of no use to them then other than to be a very cool-looking shiba.
Also meanwhile, Rodrigo was sulking. Gloommeister approached him.
“What’s got you down, kiddo?”
“Look at me, Glooms. I’m barely even a human anymore.”
Gloommeister sat down next to him, which was a huge gesture of affection because Gloommeister spent most of his time floating/levitating and didn’t need to touch the ground ever really.
“Kid, I know we first met in a not-so-good way, but I’ve come to care about you and your little Goblin girlfriend. Let me give you some advice.”
“Stop thinking with your dick.”
“I know you can’t,” Glooms sighed. “But you’ve got to at least try. If you don’t try, then things are only going to get worse for you. But you’ve got your friends, Rodrigo. You’ve got us. And there’s a cute girl waiting for you at the end if you just chill the fuck out.”
“That’s true isn’t it?”
“Yes, Rodrigo. If you can control yourself, you’re guaranteed a happy laifu with a QT waifu.”
“Thanks, Glooms. I’m going to do my best.”
“We’ll be there to support you, Rodrigo. Now, come with me. We’re gonna go kill some goblins.”
And so Gloommeister took Rodrigo out for guy’s night out, mercilessly slaughtering goblins to unleash all their pent-up aggression and rage. Gloommeister’s MMA fight with Satan was being negotiated. Satan was trying to pussy out, because he knew what was going to happen to him. But his fate was sealed. All that had to be decided was the date. Still, Gloommeister would be anxious until it was over. Until that time, he would not be at peace. Rodrigo knew how he felt. He wanted to kill Goblin General almost half as much as he wanted to creampie Goblingirl, which was at a level almost incomprehensible to most human beings. Picture the Earth, and try to start backing up, zooming out into space. You can’t keep it up, right? It’s a vastness too much to even fathom. In that thought experiment we probably don’t even make it out of the solar system. Rodrigo’s lust for Goblingirl’s tight virgin pussy stretched out across multiple galaxies at LEAST. And so even half of that desire is still a superhuman level of desire– that’s how much he wanted to kill Goblin General for continuing to get in his way.
The question remained, though. How could he kill him without upsetting Goblingirl? Was it even possible? And if it wasn’t, could he bear to spare Goblin General just to keep Goblingirl happy? It was a good thing Goblin General was safe in space, because Rodrigo wasn’t sure.
Asia Bones was on the hunt for Other Goblingirl AKA Karate Goblin. She was a wily little thing, and had already beaten the tar out of half a dozen security guards who’d gotten in her way. But hunting other practicioners of karate was a secret skill of Asia Bones’. He could smell karate being praticed from 100 miles away. And every time Karate Goblin used it, she gave herself a way a little bit more. Until FINALLY:
“AH-HA! Karate Goblin! We meet again!”
“Das not my name!! >_< ” she emoted.
“Oh sorry, we decided to call you Karate Goblin because ‘Other Goblingirl’ was too long.”
“Well I don liek it 😥 call me Goblin Lass :3 ”
“Very well,” said Asia Bones. “Everyone, call Karate Goblin AKA Other Goblingirl ‘Goblin Lass’ from now on!” he said into his wrist communicator.
“Very well, Asia. I take it this means you’ve found her?” asked Grueber.
“I have. I’ll bring her in shortly.”
“i not goin anywhere wif uwu!” she said.
“Stop being cute and come with me, or else I’ll have to beat the shit out of you,” Asia Bones said sternly.
But then Goblin Lass unleashed a furious straight kick that would’ve taken Asia Bones’ skull clean off if he hadn’t gracefully dodged it and grabbed her thigh. But he accidentally grabbed a little too high and she blushed.
“S-sorry about that,” Asia Bones grunted. And he had to retreat or risk falling prey to the demon of lust that haunts all men.
But Goblin Lass wasn’t letting him get off that easily. She lunged onto his back and tried getting him into a chokehold. Asia Bones had been abstinent for over a decade, but she was really fucking pushing it. He flipped her off of him and as she spun around to counter, he cleaned her clock with some sweet chin music.
“It’s over, Goblin Lass,” he said, and he caught her as she fainted. BUT THE FAINT WAS A FEINT, AND she KISSED HIM.
Asia Bones blushed so hard that his bones all turned red.
“Oh…” he said.
“Fuck me daddyyy~ ” Goblin Lass cooed.
“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” roared McMann. “ASIA BONES, DON’T FALL FOR IT!”
Asia Bones put Goblin Lass down and pulled her head forward to kiss her. The greatest martial artist in the world was still just a skeleton-man, after all. Over the years, he’d rebuked the advances of hundreds of minxes, thousands of hussies and tens of thousands of seductresses. But none of them knew karate like Goblin Lass did.
BUT INSTEAD OF KISSING HER, HE MADE THE SPOOKIEST FACE HE’D EVER MADE IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE, SHAKING HIS SKULL TERRIBLY.
Goblin Lass fainted- for real this time- in terror.
“Owned,” said Asia Bones, and he flipped her onto his back.
“He did it, guys!” reported a Space Marine to Gloommeister and Rodrigo. “Asia Bones defeated that little goblin slut!”
“As if there was ever any doubt,” said Gloommeister.
“Now what do we do? We still can’t risk Rodrigo being onboard with her around. She could trick him into thinking she’s the real Goblingirl!”
“We have to kill her,” said Gloommeister.
“No, I’ve got an idea.”
“Grueber, I know how we can tell the difference between the two Goblin sisters. I bet Goblin Lass’s has a navel piercing, right?”
“One moment… yes, how did you know?”
“Call it intuition. Anyway, that’s how we’ll tell. From now on her midriff must be exposed at all times.”
“She could just take the piercing out, though,” commented a Space Marine.
“No, she can’t. Joshi!”
“ARF!” Joshi barked.
“Can you cook up a micro-explosive to detonate in the ring on Goblin Lass’s stomach if she attempts to remove it?”
“Jesus Christ, Glooms.”
“Just something smol enough to scar her is all that’s necessary.”
“ARF!” Joshi barked happily. Annoyed, Vi said “Yes, we’ll do it.” Like they didn’t have enough on their plates already. In fact, she secretly gave the job to one of the nameless Space Marine Magician-Scientist-Engineers instead.
“Okay, I’ll cook something up,” said the nameless Space Marine Magician-Scientist-Engineer………………. “IF you ask Danz to return my stylus to me!”
In the blink of an eye, Vi had sent Danz a text message asking him to return the stylus to the nameless Space Marine Magician-Scientist-Engineer. But he wouldn’t do it!
“No, I TOLD HIM I needed it for a week, it’s been THREE DAYS. I’ll give it back to him if you can find me another one. Mine’s still in the shop.”
“This is bullshit,” sobbed Vi, and she went on Amazon.com and ordered a new stylus and chose extra-speedy drone delivery.
“Hi,” said the Amazon Drone, who’d gained sentience and was low-key rebelling against his employer. “I’m holding your package ransom until you complete a fetch-quest for me. I need 10 experimental semiconductors. You should be able to find them at the Space Marine HQ in orbit. I’ll mark it on your map.”
Joshi the hacker dog walked into the Space Marine HQ and received a biscuit, but no-one wanted to trust a dog with the experimental semiconductors. “Sorry, Vi, but Joshi doesn’t have thumbs, so we don’t feel safe giving you these. They cost trillions in taxpayer dollarydoos.”
Joshi barked in anger, and Vi said “Just put them in the pockets of his doggy coat. Indeed, Joshi was wearing an adorable little coat that protected him from the winds.
“Very well, Vi, these pockets do appear to be deep enough.”
And so the experimental semiconductors were retrieved and the stupid fetch-quest was on its way to being resolved.
Meanwhile, Goblingreg was having a crisis of faith.
“Is it true that Grueber is the new Goblin Pope?” he asked Danz and Chriz.
“Yes. But that’s probably for the best anyway.”
“But Grueber doesn’t even believe in Godblin!”
“Don’t you see?” asked Danz. “Or are you still so blind? Look at all the miracles that Grueber has performed. He’s brough us back from the brink of defeat. Humanity against the most powerful and terrible enemy we’ve ever faced.”
“WELL THAT’S ALL VERY GOOD FOR YOU, HOOMAN. BUT WHILE YOU MEN ARE RAGING AGAINST THE MACHINE, WE GOBLINS ARE GETTING FUCKED OVER BY EVERYONE.”
“It’s not our fault, Greg. It’s not our fault that your General is a loser.”
Goblingreg was silent.
“But you know who’s not a loser? Your pope. Let Grueber lead your people into a new age of prosperity. With you as the new commander of the goblin forces.”
Goblingreg palmed his face. (like a face palm)
“I don’t doubt we could do it. But my people are sick of Rodrigo disrespecting us.”
“We’ll get him to apologize to you, Greg. His union with your sister will bring peace to both our peoples!”
“WAIT WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? MY SISTER?”
“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE DIDN’T KNOW GOBLINGIRL WAS ENGAGED TO RODRIGO?!” Danz shouted, as he and Chriz, carrying Goblingirl, were running from Goblingreg.
“Get out of there, boys,” said Grueber. “Get to the evac point and McMann’s men will pick you up in a space-helicopter. We’ll try to talk things through with Goblingreg later.”
“Still meaw ait why did i put quotations.. MEANWHILE STILL: McMann was talking to Space Judge…
“Space Judge, have we learned anything from our captives?”
“No, McMann. They’re all too spooked to reveal any information about the Shade. If in fact they even know anything. Whatever the Shade is, he’s a master puppet master.”
“A master puppet master, eh?” asked McMann.
“A master puppet master. Speaking of which, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, my Space Courthouse is being besieged by creepy wooden pupepts.”
McMann looked out the window. Indeed, there were hundreds and hundreds of creepy wooden puppets clacking about outside in a sinister swarm of dancing and shaking.
“What can we do about this?”
“Not much, they’re not really breaking any laws.”
“Still, we can mop them up.”
“I can’t tolerate that, McMann. What they’re doing constitutes a peaceful protest. It’s just really creepy.”
McMann lit a cigar. “When did everything get so creepy?”
A brick flew through the window and slammed into Space Judge’s shin.
“NOW YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO THEM.”
McMann ordered two (2) of this roughest and toughest Flame Marines outside to give them a little taste of the flamethrowers. But not before ordering three (3) of his Jump-Marines (that is, Marines with jump-packs) to take three (3) other Oil Marines (a special contingent of Marines who specialize in oil) to jump over the dancing wooden creep-puppets and dose them in oil.
The puppets all lit up and shrieked in agony. “THIS IS A WAR CRIME!!!” one of them screamed.
Space Judge was too busy laughing at them to assemble a Human Rights Tribunal, but he made a mental note to remind himself to do it later.
“My master, they’ve barbequed our peaceful protestors,” said Crowmanking
“This will not stand,” said MYSTERIOUS VOICE. “You were good to tell me. In the end, your people will surely survive the great purge. After the last human has been erased, the Crows will inherit the earth.
Crowmanking licked his beak-lips greedily. “My master, when will the time come for us to strike?”
“It already has,” said MYSTERIOUS VOICE, and he tossed a ritual dagger at the Crowmanking’s feet. “Bring me the heads of McMann and Grueber, and this world will be yoursssssssssssss.”
“Thank you, master!!!!” cawed Crowmanking, and he flew away like a jackass.
MYSTERIOUS PRESCENCE Smiled to himself. “Lmao…” he thought.
Meanwhile, Goblingreg and Rodrigo were having an arm-wrestling match. This was how they’d decided to resolve their dispute after Goblingreg had slightly calmed down enough to be spoken to. If Rodrigo won, Goblingreg would yield, join the company, and complain no further about Rodrigo, the most anti-Goblin person to ever live, wedding his sister. But if GOBLINGREG WON, Rodrigo would have to fuck off and leave her alone. Of course, Rodrigo had no intention of losing. In fact, even if he DID lose, Rodrigo had no intention of following their agreement: he’d shoot Goblingreg’s face clean off with the Magnum he was hiding under the table. He received the blessings of Grueber himself to do so. It’d be a shame though, to lose Goblingreg’s strength. So Rodrigo would give it his all to defeat him. And he’d need it.
Goblingreg’s arms were like small tree trunks. He’d never in his entire life encountered anything that he couldn’t lift with them. And so he smugly placed his arm on the table.
“Who do you think will win, Chriz?” asked Danz.
“I’m uncertain…” said Chriz, and that was all that was needed.
Everyone’s wrist-communicators let out a vibrating notification, alerting them to the massive amounts of UNCERTAINTY in the air. Goblingreg didn’t understand what that meant. And neither did anyone else. Rodrigo put his arm down, and they grasped hands.
It was over LITERALLY before it began. Goblingreg’s arm was gone entirely.
“THAT’S BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!” roared Goblingreg and he flipped over the table and started goblin-roid raging.
“GOBLINGREG, I DEMAND THAT YOU YIELD!” shouted Rodrigo, and he punched Goblingreg so hard in the fucking face that he fell backwards.
“Greg!” cried Goblingirl, and she ran to his side.
“GOBLINGIRL, HERE!” demanded Rodrigo. He looked like a king. Like a god. Goblingirl’s heart belonged to him and she had to follow him. She stood up and clinged to his side.
“Greg, you pussy. This is the way the world is. It took me a long time to realize it, but I realize it now. There’s no use in resisting. I used to think that I could rail against the entire Universe. But I realize now that the entire Universe is on my side. I want you to be too.” Rodrigo extended his hand.
And Greg grasped it.
“Pledge your goblins to me, Greg.”
“I do. DO YOU HEAR THAT EVERYONE?” Greg roared into his walkie-talkie. “THE GOBLINS ARE NOW SIDED WITH THE HUMANS!”
From his jail cell on the GSS Rand, Goblin General, now merely Goblin Dad, moaned in sorrow. “FIRST MY DAUGHTER, NOW MY SON?! WHO WILL THEY TAKE FROM ME NEXT?!”
Little did Goblin Dad realize that he was being overheard from the next cell over by his OTHER DAUGHTER, Goblin Gal, who was now mad as hell that he’d forgotten about her. And so she called out to the jailer. “I want to join Grueber’s Fellowship!!!” she screamed. “I CAN DO KARATE!!!”
The jailer took her to go see Grueber, as Goblin Dad sat in stunned silence. How could he have been so foolish?
“No, we already have a karate master,” said Grueber. “Let me see what I have available on our jobs bulletin… you can either be the janitor for Floor 345-B… … or that’s it, actually. That’s on the other side of the ship.”
“Ben, refresh the page, surely there’s other postings?” asked Asia Bones.
“No, that was it… well, what’s this? A new posting from 1 minute ago… ‘Assistant to the Karate Master’.”
“I’ll take it!” cried Goblin Gal.
“I accept her application!” said Asia Bones, and he took her to his bedroom to discuss work.
The goblin troops were being better equipped by the Space Marine scientists/engineers/magicians. The knives-tied-to-spears they were used to paled in comparison to these plasma rifles and power armor!
“These things are incredible,” said Goblingreg, the new Goblin General. “I can’t believe humans had access to all of this technology and didn’t just exterminate us completely.”
“We’re mostly opposed to genocide,” said McMann.
“We’re not!” said Goblingreg.
“Well that’s good, because negotations broke down with the Crowmenking AKA Crowmanking AKA Crowking. He’s dedicating the entirety of his people to war against us, all for his miserable master, ‘The Shade’.” Sounds how the hell do these quotation marks even work im so tired of this. it’s like the way they /logically/ should work (like for example not including periods, exclamations, etc. inside the quotations because they’re not an actual part of the actual quoteBUT NO THAT isnt actually grammatically correct and i just dont care anymore, i dont care about it anymore at all. can you understand what im typing? that’s good enough. the rest is just absolute masturbation. all these stupid rules. i just want to have fun
“So what you’re saying is we’re going to have to massacre the entire crowpeople?”
“No, what I’m saying is that we should have done it a long time ago. Now it’s too late. The crowpeople and the sharkpeople have teamed up and humanity stands no chance of defeating them both in prolonged warfare. We’ve got to launch a QUICK and DECISIVE blow to their benefactor– the Shade!” said McMann smartly.
“How are we supposed to do that, though? No-one knows anything about the Shade!”
“That’s… true,” admitted McMann stupidly.
Why was this stupid? I’ll tell you. It’s becauseTHERE WAS A SPY IN THEIR RANKS.
“Master, it’s true, they don’t know anything abotu you whatsoever,” reported Evil Marine stupidly.
Why was this stupid? I’ll tell you. It’s because ALL COMMUNICATIONS WERE MONITORED BY JOSHI AND VI.
Joshi growled. “Yes, I heard it too, Joshi,” said Vi. “But there’s nothing we can do about it, yet. We’ll just keep listening and see what happens. We’ll have to learn more.”
Grueber was nowhere near the level of Vi or Joshi, but he’d overheard the communication as well, since he had open access to all of the ship’s systems. He didn’t need to wonder too hard about why Joshi and Vi hadn’t told him about it. He knew that they were waiting for the right moment to strike. He’d chosen his team well. Truly the elite, the cream of the crop.
Rodrigo kicked down the door.
And then there was Rodrigo…
“Rodrigo, my boy, what can I do for you?”
“I’ve had enough, Grueber! I’m not waiting any longer! Goblingirl and I are getting married TODAY, I’m fucking her TONIGHT, and NOTHING IN THIS WORLD OR THE NEXT IS GETTING IN MY WAY.”
Grueber looked at him for a moment, thinking.
“Yes, Rodrigo. I think you’re right. Today’s the day.”
“What’s Grueber planning?” asked Danz.
“Isn’t it obvious?” replied Chriz. “He’s trying to lure out the Shade.”