Meanwhile, Vi had finally completed the fetch-quest and the Space Marine scientist made her a micro-explosive.
“Oh nevermind, Vi, Goblin Lass is working for us now!” said Grueber.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH VI’S SCREAM SPLINTERED THE COMMAND DECK, EXPOSING THEM ALL TO THE VACUUM OF SPACE BUT JUST AS QUICKLY TORE A WHOLE IN SPACE, LEAVING THEM WITH NOTHING BUT HER SCREAM.
everyone surely would have died were it not for the PURPOSE of her scream, a purpose which could not be denied. They all had to know exactly how fed up she was, and indeed that knowledge, that pure information was imprinted onto their hearts and minds. When she was done screaming, the hole in space, and the shattered command deck were healed as she quieted.
“Vi, we’re sorry we upset you,” Grueber said, rubbing his ears. “Please, allow us to make it up to you with these complete collections of all your favorite animes. Grueber produced a flash drive from his pocket, labled “weeb shit”. How did he know?
“Thanks Grueber,” said Vi. “I accept your apology and your gift.”
Joshi sniffed at Grueber’s hand for a moment and took the flash drive in his mouth. Everyone awwwwwwwed.
Meanwhile, inside his mind, Joshi was waging war against the physical dog-brain.
He was being swarmed by all the cutest shibas imaginable, they were trying to smother him with love, which would destroy his brain entirely. Of course, they weren’t actually being malicious, they just wanted pets, but the final results would be the same– the total death of Joshi’s lifeforce. But he couldn’t fight back. He wasn’t the kind of man who’d kick dogs. It took everything that he had to just deny them pets. And so he did the only thing that he could: run.
Dogs are powerful sprinters, but their speeds vary wildly between breeds. Greyhounds can run 40 miles per hour, while the humble Jack Russell Terrier a mere 25. Usain Bolt, the famous Jamaican sprinter, was almost able to hit 28. Joshi was not Usain Bolt.
The Shibas overtook Joshi almost insantly, getting in the way of his legs as he tried not to trip over them. Joshi cried out at the top of his lungs as he fell and was mobbed by a hundred thousand wet noses poking at him and causing him to laugh. He laughed so hard, in such joy, that he couldn’t catch his breath. He couldn’t take any air- there was no air if he could- there were only a million billion yellow meme snouts. What a way to die. “Sorry, Vi. I couldn’t save myself.”
“I feel a disturbance in the Hackernet,” said Ace Tunout, the second-best hacker in the Neo-New York hacker underworld. He had a feeling what it might be, but he couldn’t be sure: he didn’t have any evidence, and he didn’t believe in following his instincts. That’s what made him different than his fiercest rival, Joshi. Ace kicked a dog that was standing in his way to the Grueber National Bank.
The teller greeted him with a smile. A gorgeous Asian girl. But something was strange about her. Instead of formal work attire, she was dressed in a kimono. This immediately put Ace Tunout into defense-mode, and he quickly used his neural augments to check the banks secure and open wifi networks for any threats to his life. He found none, but nevertheless he pulled a knife out from his pocket and brandished it in front of the kimono-girl, to let her know that he knew she was up to something fishy.
The girl merely smiled. A meek smile. Was it? No, it wasn’t. It was a sad smile, a smile of pity. As if she felt bad for Ace. No, that can’t be. “WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!” roared Ace, and he started knifing all of the invisible network connections out of the air as they tried making connections into his brain-chip. “JOSHI, I KNOW YOU’RE BEHIND THIS SOMEHOW!!!!” he roared, flailing about. He lunged through the bulletproof glass using his boosters and allocating all remaining power into his nanoskin-shield. He took the kimono cutie hostage.
“WHERE ARE YOU, JOSHI?!”
The girl went limp. Her job was finished. Ace was a formidable opponent, but he was no match for Joshi.
“A note from Joshi?” asked Grueber. “Let me see it…”
“Grueber, if I ever end up in a coma from a hacking-duel against Reality, find Ace Tunout in Neo-New York. Use the following instructions to hack into his brain and steal his brain-resources…”
BACK TO THE PRSENT:
“Joshi knew that a teller wearing a kimono at a bank instead of business clothes would distract him for the micro-second necessary to hack into his brain,” said Vi.
“How did he know that?”
“It’s my job to know, Rodrigo,” barked Joshi, who now, thanks to stealing Ace Tunout’s lifeforce, had been able to overcome and train the doges inside his brain. “Now, if I could just get my body back, I’d be happy.”
“Sorry, Joshi,” said Grueber. “No can do. The staff has grown to enjoy having a little talking shiba walking around the ship. You’re going to have to wait until our mission is over.”
“It’s okay, Josh,” said Vi happily. “The important thing is that you’re safe and sound. I can use the keyboard and robot arms on your back that the Space Marines gave us to do any necessary hacking 🙂 ”
“This is bullshit,” howled Joshi, and he awoooed sadly. Everyone smiled and said awwwwwwwwwww ❤
Meanwhile, Rodrigo was training with Goblingreg down in Hell. He was to lead the charge against Crowmanking’s army, then they’d return to the ship that night for a beautiful weeding lmfao i mean wedding ceremony. Goblingirl and Rodrigo would finally be wedded, and Goblingirl would finally be bedded.
“Tell me honestly, Rodrigo,” said Goblingreg, throwing a punch. “Do you love my sister?”
“I love her more than the universe itself, Goblingreg. And I’ll prove it to you by bringing you 100 crowman scalps.”
Goblingreg smiled. He was finally getting used to the idea of having Rodrigo as a brother-in-law. They were already brothers in the spirit of hating crowmen.
Meanwhile, the Spy was spying on everyone and reporting everything back to the SHADE.
“My master, Rodrigo’s wedding is TONIGHT,” he said. “Those fools are going to destroy their only shield! Once Rodrigo and Goblingirl have sex, they will no-longer be unkillable.”
“You stupid asshole,” said the Shade. “Don’t you understand by now?…
I can’t let Rodrigo fuck Goblingirl… and Grueber knows it…”
Goblin General was pacing back and forth inside his cell. Had Grueber really figured it out? That HE was the Shade all along?!?! No, it can’t be. He would have had him executed already. DAMN IT ALL. Goblin General slammed his fists against the wall.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP OVER THERE,” roared the adjacent prisoner, who’d been convicted of spamming shitty memes on the ship’s intranet.
“What are you in for?” asked Goblin General.
“Joshi didn’t like a meme I sent out, it’s so fucking stupid. Now I have to stay locked in here for the rest of the mission.”
“Ya wanna get revenge?” asked Goblin General.
“OF COURSE I DO!” shouted Meme Criminal.
“Okay, fake being sick, and when the guard comes in beat the shit out of him and steal his keys.”
“There’s no possible way that will work.”
“I’m the General of the Goblin Army and I can assure you that it will work.”
Later, after Goblin General’s Plan Did Not Work:
“I hereby sentence you to death, Meme Criminal,” said Space Judge sadly. “You shouldn’t have tried to assault the prison guard.
“THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!” roared Meme Criminal, and he summoned a thousand Crowmen by screaming.
“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!” demanded Space Judge. Space Bailiff, the Universe’s largest black man, grabbed him and retreated out of the courthouse. SPACE COURT WAS CAPTURED BY THE CROWMEN!!!!!
“This isn’t good,” said Grueber. “Now that they’re in control of the Space Court, they can dictate the very laws of Nature.”
“Also the Rules of Nature,” noted Monsoon.
“Yes, that’s right,” said Grueber and he sat down and shook his head sadly. “It would appear that Goblin General is much smarter than I thought he was.”
“Goblin General, what’s he got to do with this?!” asked everyone.
“Goblin General is a member of the Elite Illuminati Organization that we refer to as “The Shade.”
Everyone was stunned. A few people fainted.
“No, that can’t be,” said a random Marine.
“It CAN be.”
“I thought the Shade was just a man!” said Rodrigo.
“I thought the Shade was some kind of Eldritch monstrosity or force of nature!” said whoever else.
“No, the Shade is an organization of elite criminals dedicated to the destruction of Humanity. But the good news is that after we kill Goblin General, we’ll have killed 2 of them.”
“NOOO YOU CAN’T KILL MY DADDY! 😦 “frowned Goblingirl.
“GOBLINGIRL, YOU SILLY GOOSE, GOBLIN GENERAL ISN’T YOUR REAL FATHER!!!!!” yelled Grueber.
EVERYONE GASPED IN SURPRISE.
“What the HELL do you MEAN Goblin General isn’t Goblingirl’s father?!” demanded Goblingreg.
“Haven’t you all ever wondered why Goblingirl is cute? It’s not because she’s half-goblin, it’s because she’s ZERO percent Goblin!” said Grueber, and with that he took a clean wet rag, grabbed Goblingirl’s hand and gently rubbed it. The non-toxic green paint washed right off.
“THIS CAN’T BE!!!” roared Goblingreg, and he tried to rub his paint of too.
“Not you, Goblingreg, you actually are a real Goblin,” said Grueber. “Here’s what happened…”
Years ago when Goblingirl- we’ll just keep calling her that forever- years ago when she and her sister were born, they were given Goblin General by their real father.
“How do you know all this, Grueber?” barked Joshi.
“All crew are required to have DNA profiles created. Goblingirl and Goblin Lass (Goblinlass from now on)’s profiles matched their REAL father’s…”
“WHO’S THEIR REAL FATHER?!” demanded Rodrigo.
“I am,” said Grueber.