“WHO’S THEIR REAL FATHER?!” demanded Rodrigo.
“I am,” said Grueber.
A shocking revelation! What will happen now? Let’s find out…
“Called it,” said Vi smugly.
“Wait I don’t get it,” said Joshi. “So Goblin General didn’t want Rodrigo to marry Goblingirl, even though them doing so would destroy their invulnerability, thus making it easier for the Shade to destroy humanity?”
“No it sounds like you do get it, Joshi. Goblin General is indeed a member of the Shade, but he has his own goals. Even though he’s not Goblingirl’s real father, he still THINKS he is, and so he doesn’t want Rodrigo, who is an asshole, to slam his daughter.”
“What do you mean he THINKS he is?!” demanded Joshi.
“This is where things get a little confusing,” said Grueber…
“You see, at some point, I painted my daughters green, went back in time and gave them to Goblin General and brainwashed him into thinking they were his. Because I knew I wouldn’t have the heart to deny Goblingirl her true love. But Goblin General would. Still, if I had known at the time that he was a member of the Shade, I’m certain I wouldn’t have done so.”
“This is all extremely convoluted,” barked Joshi.
“That may be so, but Goblin General’s finally accidentally slipped up and revealed himself as a member of the Shade, by hastily communicating with a Marine that we know to be a spy.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I WAS A SPY?!” roared Spy.
“Because YOU’RE A SPLINTER CELL DOUBLE SLEEPER AGENT!” said McMann and he snapped his mighty fingers, activating Spy and turning him into Double-Agent Marine once again. “SIR YES SIR!” They went away to go get the medals they deserved.
“So who’s the Shade member that we already killed?” asked Joshi.
“You should know better than any of us, Joshi,” said Grueber, surprised.
“…ACE! That sonofabitch…” barked Joshi.
“That’s right, your old rival Ace. His real name was Large. and now I believe that–”
Joshi interrupted him.
“OF COURSE! LARGE! And now his brother Size will be after me…”
“That’s right, Joshi. Size, the third-best hacker in Neo-New York and the BEST hacker in Neo-Philadelphia. You’ll have to watch your back now more than ever.”
Joshi nodded his shiba head and trotted away on his little feet.
“So what does all this mean, Grueber?” demanded Rodrigo.
“Goblin General is no-doubt controlling the Crowmen with his mind,” said Grueber. “He must have powers given to him by the Shade. As long as they control the Space Court, we can’t do anything LEGALLY-SPEAKING. We’ll have to declare a STATE OF EMERGENCY and use McMann’s military boys to smoke them all out. Once we’re in control of the Space Court again, we can execute Goblin General.”
“I don’t want you to!” sniffled Goblingirl, who was still mostly green.
“Don’t you want to go shower that paint off you? It’s been on you since the day you were born,” said Grueber.
“NO! This paint is who I am! You might be my real dad, but Goblin General raised me 😦 And- and he helped Humanity, even if he did so unintentionally, by trying to stop Rodrigo and I from being together 😦 that must count for something, right?”
Grueber sighed heavily.
“Yes, Goblingirl, it does count for something. I was never really planning on killing him, don’t worry it was just a joke. We can instead use him as a SPY!”
“I think that’s a great idea, Grueber,” said McMann and Joshi in unison. They smiled at each other. Great minds think alike.
“But we can’t even ACCESS the prison-system of the ship until we’ve regained control of THE LAW. And to do that, we need to retake the SPACE COURT,” said Space Judge.
“SO LET’S GO ALREADY!” roared Rodrigo, who was fed up and horny as hell. He jumped into one of the GrueberCorp. titan-mechs and flew across space to Space Court before anyone could even say “Rodrigo wait.”
“McMann, you have to go after him. If he takes Space Court while the enemy is in control of it, it’ll be ILLEGAL, and Space Judge will start acting all stupid again and he’ll try to jail Rodrigo!” said Grueber. “It has to be the MARINES who recapture Space Court because you’re aBOVE the law in a STATE OF EMERGENCY.”
“Yes, that makes perfect sense, legally speaking,” agreed Space Judge, and he sat down on a bench and got ready to do some judging, whoever it had to be.
“We won’t let you down. We won’t let HUMANITY down,” said McMann and he ordered a full-on assault of the Space Court with a hundred Marine Space Battleships dropping a thousand Space Marines with energy-batons and laser-swords.
“Don’t damage the building!” said McMann. “Damage the Crowmen!”
And so they did.
The massacre was unlike anything the world had ever seen. The crowmen were entirely unprepared. They had nothing but wooden planks to defend themselves, which the Marines sliced and bludgeoned through with cruel ease.
Tens of thousands of feathers were left behind floating down a river of blood that would later be washed away by firehoses.
“WE DID IT, BOYS!” roared McMann, “THE SPACE COURT IS OURS AGAIN!”
“Space Judge, are we cool?” asked Grueber.
“Yes, the law has been followed perfectly. Everything is A-OK!” Space Judge smiled for the first time in a long time. He’d grown fond of the humans and was glad that he wouldn’t have to make any judgements against them.
“Can I marry Goblingirl now?” asked Rodrigo.
“Yes, Rodrigo,” said Grueber.
Goblingirl awoooed in joy.
“IF you’re okay with putting all of Mankind at risk, just so you can–”
“YES, I AM.”
Grueber sighed. He went to go get dressed in his holy garments. He was the Goblin Pope after all.
But Asia Bones was not pleased. “Rodrigo, my boy,” he said. “Don’t do this. Wait a few more days and ensure Humanity’s survival. Ensure a better future for you and her.”
For an instant, Rodrigo wanted to throw Asia out into Space, but he knew that he was right. Kind of.
“ONE WEEK. ONE WEEK AND THAT’S IT.”
Grueber came back dressed as the Goblin Pope, only to be told that the wedding was postponed. He was happy about that, but annoyed that he’d already gotten dressed.
“Very well then, Grueber,” said Asia Bones. “Then marry Goblinlass and I.”
“I knew it,” said Joshi and Vi together.
Asia Bones got down on one knee and took Goblinlass’s hand. “Goblinlass, you’re the only person in this world who I can’t kill effortlessly. You karate-chopped down the walls of my old bony heart. Won’t you please be my wife?”
Goblinlass smiled, tears welling in her eyes. “Oh Asia, yes! 😀 But I want my karate teacher to be here!”
“Who’s your karate teacher?” asked everyone.
“Goblin Doctor!!!” she said, still smiling.
“Why does that name sound so familiar?” asked Rodrigo.
“I was the doctor who first confirmed the first death of Goblin General before he was resurrected,” said Goblin Doctor, who appeared on the scene.
“Goblin Doctor, I’ve heard about you. You were an enemy of Deadly Bones,” said Grueber.
“Who the fuck is ‘Deadly Bones?'” asked Rodrigo.
“The greatest Skeleton who ever lived, Rodrigo. But that’s a story for another time,” said Asia Bones wisely. “If I had to name that story, it’d probably be called ‘My Father is a Skeleton’, and it might be available RIGHT NOW on Amazon.com.”
“It’s OK,” lied Goblin Doctor, “I’m a good guy now!!!”
Asia Bones looked at him suspiciously, not hiding it. Goblin Doctor looked around nervously, hoping to find support. But he found none, not even in Goblinlass, who trusted her fiance more than she trusted him.
When Asia was done inspecting his very soul, he concluded:
“Goblin Doctor is a spy of The Shade!”
“Oh master, how could you betray us? >.< ” cried Goblinlass.
Goblin Doctor ran away to fight another day. Asia stopped McMann from pursuing him. “He’s not a threat at all,” he said. “He’s a punk bitch, and entirely inconsequential.”
“Still, we’ll need to kill him eventually, Asia,” said Grueber. “No member of the Shade can be allowed to live.”
“Agreed. I will end him myself, once and for all. When the time is right. NOW, LET US COMMENCE THE CEREMONY!”
ANd so Asia Bones and Goblinlass got married in the most touching and beautiful wedding ceremony the GSS Rand had ever seen. And it’d seen quite a few.
Rodrigo was so fucking jealous as Asia Bones carried Goblinlass off to his room that he felt like his brain was going to explode. Goblingirl cuddled up to him.
“Don’t worry, Roddy ❤ ” she said. “That’ll be us next week!”
Rodrigo took a deep breath and put his arm around her.
Danz and Chriz took a step towards them, but Grueber stopped them with a gesture.
“It’s okay,” he said quietly. “Let them be happy tonight. For tomorrow, Rodrigo will face the greatest challenge of his entire life.
Meanwhile, in Hell, Satan was nervous about his big fight against the Bloom lmao i mean the Gloommeister.
“I’m fucked,” he said. “He’s going to beat me to death.”
“Yes, it would appear so,” said Mysterious Shade Member #10.
“You guys have to help me! I’ve done SO MUCH for this organization!!!”
“Satan what the hell do you want us to do for you? You haven’t been training in years. We can’t stop the fight. You’ve got to fight him if you want to retain the Hell Throne. And if you’re not the king of Hell, we have no use for you in this organization! So WIN or FUCK OFF.” Mysterious Shade Member #10’s hologram faded away leaving only Satan alone with himself crying.
“Pssssst, Satan…” said Goblin Doctor. “I can train you in special goblin karate if you want.”
“What? You’re a pussy!” said Satan.
“No I’m not and I’ll PROVE IT!” and with that, Goblin Doctor beat the living shit out of Satan.
“How did you do that?” demanded Satan, blood pouring from his mouth.
“Ancient Goblin Karate aka AGK. It’s the most potent form of Karate that exists.”
“Meanwhile,” said Vi, “Vi heroically uncovered information about the Shade.”
“Tell us what you found, Vi,” said Grueber.
“Well, you’re not going to like it.”
Rodrigo sighed. “Will you just FUCKING TELL ME WHAT YOU FOUND OUT.”
“GEEZE, okay, so it looks like the Shade dates back to the American Revolution.”
“Yes. During the Boston Tea Party, a barrel of tea was accidentally thrown on to a Mermaid, killing her. And so, the Merfolk decided to take revenge on all of Humanity, forming an Alliance with the Sharkmen. This was the beginnning of the Shade.”
“This is fucking stupid.”
“It gets worse. They used their control over the waterways to amass the second-largest fortune on Planet Earth, rivaled only by Grueber’s himself. We’re talking COUNTLESS diamonds and gemstones and gold and silver. So we looked at the data. I examined the patterns of ‘mysterious tragedies’ and it all points to one place…”
“Let me guess, the Bermuda Triangle.”
“How’d you know?”
“So what you’re saying is that a war against humanity being fought in outer-space is being orchestrated from under the ocean?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m all but certain. I just can’t intercept any communications from the Triangle to know 1000%. I don’t have the processing power.”
“What would it take to get those communications, Vi?” asked Grueber.
“Yes? What would you need?”
“I’d need the combined brain-CPUs of the top 5 hackers in the world…”
Shiba-Joshi let out an anxious whimper.
“Who are the top 5 hackers in the world?”
Ace Turnout AKA Large, whose lifeforce and processing power now resides inside of Joshi.
Size, Large’s brother AKA Expanse, residing in Neo-Philly.
Olya Kalishnakov AKA Cream, the Russian femme fatale residing in Neo-Russia.
and “Bear” Sweeney, a big-game hacker living on a private island where he hacks innocent tourists for sport.
“Joshi, this mission is going to be your most autistic yet. Do you really think you’re ready for it?”
Joshi barked seriously.