Satran lmao i mean Satan stepped into the octagon. Like stepping into your own grave. That’s how he felt. Before him hovered the Gloommeister, the most horrifying being to ever exist in our realm. It was a joke that Satan ever was elected the King of Hell, thanks ONLY to nepotism. His dad had been the King of Hell, and his grandfather before him. But the Gloommeister was born on the streets. Raised on the streets. Toughened by them. It wasn’t just that the Gloommeister was a natural prodigy, although he was that as well, it’s because he put the work in. He gloomed people personally, up close, CQC. Meanwhile, Satan had been lmao you wouldnt believe me if i told you how i was typing right now. im lying back in a chair, with not just my feet up on my desk, but also half of my entire legs. My toes are just inches away from my monitor. I’ve goy my keyboard in my lap. and im still not comfortable. it’s got to be anxiety-related, i know that i keep unconsiously raising my shoulders up for some stupid reason. It’s all just so stupid. im never comfortable, ever. every anyway uh… Satan did a sign of the Cross and quickly and quietly asked God for forgiveness for his countless, untold sins. God telepathically let him know, “Yes, sure, Satan, of course I forgive you. But I’m certain that the Gloommeister won’t.” Satan gulped. He looked across the ring at his opponent.
The Gloommeister tore his cloak off of his body, revealing his chisiled physique. His muscles weren’t incredibly-large, but he was absolutely shredded. His body was PURE muscle. This explained his success with the ladies. Well, that and his cool-guy attitude. The Gloommeister caught Satan’s nervous glance and grinned widely. He had full confidence in himself. What did Satan have? Goblin Doctor gave him a single lesson in Goblin Karate? WOWEE.
From Satan’s corner, Goblin Doctor offered advice: “Just remember what I taught you, kid. Remember it and you WON’T LOSE!!!”
“Thanks a lot, Goblin Doctor. I’m going to go die now.”
Satan and Gloommeister touched fists and the fight began. Gloommeister wound up and unleashed a LETHAL vertical spinning kick, all the way from the other side of the octagon! Incredible! It was like a spinning top! Or if you’ve ever seen Attack on Titan, it was kind of like Levi Ackerman spinning around, except it was just with his LEG. Satan coud do nothing but watch in terror as this spinning top of death came sppining toward him. And so he accepted his fate, and his head was slammed into the ground with such force that he died before he even knew he had been kicked.
Satan blinked. “Did I win?”
“No,” said God “You were killed.”
“God, is that you?”
Satan rubbed his eyes and stood up. “Am I in Heaven?”
“Yes, but don’t get too excited. I’m sending you back.”
“Because the Gloommeister is too good at being bad. If he’s the King of Hell, then all of Humanity will end up in Hell. I can’t allow that.”
“So you want me to be the King of Hell because I suck?”
“Yes. You are a punk bitch. It has to be you.”
Satan sighed. “I can’t beat him. He’s too strong.”
“Yes, he is. But if you continue your training with Goblin Doctor, then you CAN defeat him eventually. Goblin Karate is, as he said, the ultimate form of Karate on Earth.”
“But it’ll take forever to git good at Goblin Karate! I don’t have that kind of time!”
“Satan, you have all the time in the world. Because you will use Grueber’s time machine.”
Meanwhile, Gloommeister was living it up as the King of Hell.
He had gone on such a glooming spree, that the waiting room was overflowing with fresh new souls. Hell’s GDP had SKYROCKETED because of his incredible powers.
“God, I’m awesome,” he said as he was getting a blowjob from the Whoreceress
“My liege!” resported a Goblin Guard.
“What the hell do you want? Can’t you see I’m busy?” demanded the Gloommeister.
“Yes, my liege, I can see that. But Mister Grueber is calling for you.”
Gloommeister sighed. He couldn’t have a moment’s peace.
“You’ve done well for yourself, Glooms.”
“It’s good to see you Grueber, but I’m a very busy meister.”
“I hope you haven’t forgotten our mission, Glooms.”
Gloommeister let out a long exasperated sigh. “Ben, what does it matter? The Shade can’t do shit. They’re a bunch of low-t losers.”
Grueber frowned. “You’ve let the power go to your head, Gloommeister. They’re still a very real threat to Humanity. To this entire world of ours. We need to stay focused.”
“Grueber, I’m the KING OF HELL. UNDISPUTED NOW. What threat could they possibly pose to me?!”
“Sir!” Chriz and Danz burst into the throne room. “The sharkmen are assaulting Neo-Philly! They’re trying to take out Joshi! McMann’s marines can barely hold on!”
“Good luck, everyone, I’m going to stay here and bang succubi.” Gloommeister escorted them all to the door.
“He won’t help us. Not until the Shade attacks Hell again,” said Danz.
“Yes, I believe that you’re right about that,” said Grueber. “We’ll have to forget about him for the time being. Where is Joshi now?”
“He’s locked in a stupid hack-battle against Size. They’re trying to take over each other’s brain,” said Chriz.
“He must be unable to protecc himself. You two will need to guard him from the Sharkmen until he’s finished. Get there NOW.”
Indeed, Joshi was locked in the hack-battle of his life. All of his firewalls were being blown away by the digital rain of the wait a minute I knew that sounded familiar. Digital Rain by Star One, that’s a group put together by the guy behind Ayreon. Very good prog rock. the album’s “Victims of the Modern Age”, very good album. anyway, Joshi’s firewalls were being put out by the digital rain of Star O I mean uh… Size. Size’s viruses were INCREDIBLY POWERFUL and Joshi didn’t know what the hell to do. He was going to lose! He’d left Vi behind on the Rand to complete the mission himself. He thought it would be too dangerous for her. If only she were here with him now. This was it. The end. Joshi couldn’t keep up. Nothing he tried could break through Size’s unstoppable offense. As Joshi was about to shut down for good, he heard a howl. It was a shiba.
Meanwhile, Chriz, Danz, and a squad of Ultra-Marines led by none-other than the recently promoted King-General McMann were riding on a wave of shibas to Joshi’s location. They’d appeared from out of nowhere and communicated with them telepathically their desire to protecc Joshi! What the hell was going on here? A tidal-wave of shibas, seemingly normal, but as dense as steel collided with the door to the abandoned warehouse that housed Size and Joshi, both sitting 2 feet in front of each other, in a circle with a pentagram made of network cable. Electricity hissed all around them. But there were no sharkmen around. They’d made it in time!
Joshi peeked open an eye. “Get out of here guys. While you still can. This place is about to go up. I can’t hold Size off for much longer.”
“Don’t worry about us, Joshi, just focus on defeating Size.”
“You can’t beat me, Joshi,” Size said smugly. He had a fat voice because he was a big fat guy. But his fatness gave him an edge in the hackerbattle. He was able to store massive amounts of energy and processing power inside his guts, something that Joshi just couldn’t do. It was like swinging a pickaxe at a big fat mountain. Joshi didn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell. But at least his friends were here to help protect his body from the sharkmen that were now kicking down the door.