Meanwhile, actually no, let’s just go to Rodrigo. WHO was watching him? Well, obviously Chriztina and Danziela were both S.H.A.D.E. agents sent to distract Chriz and Danz. The only person watching Rodrigo now was Goblingirl, who by now was just about as horny as he was– ready to throw away the world just to finally be with him. As the two kissed passionately, thankfully, the door to the common room was kicked down by Goblingreg and a mixed-squad of Goblin Marines and Space Marines.
“RODRIGO, GET YOUR PAWS OFF MY SISTER!”
“GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!”
And with that, Goblingreg saved Humanity by cock-blocking Rodrigo once again. McMann sent him a medal for Exceptional Valor via space-mail which Goblingreg would proudly wear on his chest for the rest of his life.
Meanwhile, Vi was talking to Joshi about Olya Kalishnakov.
“Do you love her?”
“Of course I don’t love her, she’s a stupid bitch. I don’t like stupid bitches.”
Vi couldn’t help but smile to herself.
“But what’s it to you anyway?” asked Joshi, who despite being perhaps the most clever lad in the world, was far too autistic to understand women.
“Nothing…” she said.
OwO wats this? Does Vi have FEELINGS for Joshi? Does Joshi not have feelings for Olya?
“Of course not, she’s a stupid bitch,” replied Joshi repeated himself to me.
Oh, I see! Well then what are you planning, Joshi? I asked.
“I’m going to USE her like the OBJECT that she is,” Joshi replied coolly, as he finished hacking Olya’s brain-security and completely took her over. “She thought she could defeat me by using her sex appeal. She never considered that her sex appeal would allow me to defeat her in the first place.” And with that, Joshi pulled out of Olya for the final time. Joshi had reformatted his dick to act as a flash drive. The process is not as gross as it sounds. Joshi’s sperm acted as a Trojan Horse. An actual computer-virus being transmitted via sexual intercourse. And because Olya really wanted to win Joshi over, she’d let him not use a condom. Joshi was very pleased with himself. All according to plan. Indeed, he’d actually planned all of this the moment he’d first first caught her webcam show, many years ago. The situation was different- he’d never known about Grueber or the S.H.A.D.E., but the results were the same. He fucked Olya Kalishnakov and took over her brain. He decided to spare her both a cursed existence in total oblivion and total-destruction, and allowed her to keep both her brain and bodily functions. But she’d never hack again. Not with what he’d left her. All of her cloud-resources belonged to Joshi now, and her camwhore act would have to no-longer be just an act. Joshi rolled over out of bed and put on his sunglasses.
“Now what do I do?” sniffled Olya. But Joshi had already left the room. He had no time for brainlets.
Vi pitied her and sent her an application to work aboard the G.S.S. Rand as a bartender. A new cyberpunk-themed bar would be opening on C-Deck and she fit the bill perfectly.
Meanwhile still, Chriztina and Danziella were put in prison where they fucking belonged.
“What are your connections with S.H.A.D.E.?” asked Space Detective, pulling out his notepad.
The two were silent. They were too cute to be executed and they knew it and Space Detective knew it. But how had they been found out so easily? It was the perfect plan! Seduce Grueber’s bodyguards and so Rodrigo would bang Goblingirl. Then they might ALSO get an opportunity to kill Grueber as well! They giggled as they thought about how untouchable they were.
Space Detective sighed. It was a plan so stupid and imperfect that only S.H.A.D.E. could have come up with it. They probably thought it was the perfect plan. But even if Vi wasn’t watching everything at all times like some kind of omniscient A.I., anyone could have realized that female-versions of Grueber’s bodyguards appearing and flirting with Grueber’s bodyguards was FISHY to say the least.
Space Detective smacked them both upside their heads and left. Chriz and Danz were sad that they wouldn’t be getting any from their cute new gfs, but Grueber promised them if they DON’T FUCK UP IN SUCH A STUPID WAY AGAIN, that he’d find them some GOOD girls instead of evil enemy spies.
McMann and Space Judge were pondering about the S.H.A.D.E. when they were joined by Space Detective who gave them the bad news that the girls wouldn’t talk.
“I figured as much,” sighed Space Judge.
“It doesn’t matter, we’ve got bigger fish to fry!” said McMann, whose RECON SCOUTS had just finished compiling the MOTHER OF ALL INTEL.
“Tell us about the MOAI, McMann,” said Space Judge.
“We’re just waiting on Grueber.”
Grueber walked in.
“Okay, so we now have the LIST of the LEADERSHIP OF THE SH.A.DE.”
Everyone gasped at how I messed up the acronym.
“Incredible! Please, go on,” said Grueber.
“Okay. It goes as follows…
10- Satan, MISSING
9- Goblin General, MISSING
8- Ace Tunout AKA Large, KILLED
7- Size, real name unknown, KILLED
6- Olya Kalishnakov, NOW WORKING AS OUR BARTENDER
5- “Bear” Sweeney, HIDING OUT ON HACKER ISLAND.
4- Goblin Doctor, MISSING
3- Chriztina, CAPTURED
2- Danziela, CAPTURED
1- ???
“Lmao, so Chriztina and Danziela were both high-ranking members of S.H.A.D.E.? This is great!” said McMann and he slapped his knee with mirth.
Don’t be joyful just yet, McMann,” said Space Judge. “We can’t execute Chriztina and Danziela. They haven’t TECHNICALLY broken any laws!”
“IT’S NOT AGAINST THE LAW TO TRY TO DESTROY HUMANITY?!” demanded Rodrigo.
“No, unfortunately not,” said Space Judge. “A CERTAIN SOMEONE had that law overturned for a business venture once.”
Everyone turned to Grueber.
“It was a calculated risk!” he said. “And I’ll have you know that the alien high-technology I gained from that venture has aided us GREATLY in our current situation!”
“What kind of high-technology?” inquired Vi and Joshi simultaneously. They blushed, and even Joshi at this point was beginning to realize that Vi was perfect for him. A girl who was literally with him at all times, distracting him with endless puzzles and projects so he didn’t have to ponder his otherwise meaningless existence, but not physically with him, so he could just fucking ignore her sometimes if he needed some S P A C E.
Rodrigo smiled. Unlike Joshi, he wasn’t a tremendous autismo and could see the good relationship between them, fertile for the possibilities of love. Even though he still didn’t believe that Vi was a real human girl.
“Vi’s real, Rodrigo, shut up,” said Joshi INSIDE RODRIGO’S MIND.
“Yeah sure, HOW ARE YOU INSIDE MY HEAD?”
“I put a Vi-drive in your head when you were taking a nap earlier. So now our minds are linked. It’s a necessary part of a secret plan that you can’t be privy to.”
“THIS IS BULLSHIIIIIIIIIIIT”
“Rodrigo please. Please understand that our WORLD depends on you. And you’re not dependable. So we need to take precautions, and precautions on top of those precautions. Now stop being a bitch, I’ve got to get going.”
And with that, Joshi walked out of the room.
“Where’s he going?” asked Rodrigo.
“We’re going to launch an assault on “Bear” Sweeney’s island,” sadi McMann, grabbing an assault rifle from the wall.
“Oh.”
“Wanna come with?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’ll go too,” said Rodrigo, and he suited up. Time for a taste of combat.
While that internal-dialogue between Joshi and Rodrigo was going on, they’d both missed the part where Grueber talked about the technology he’d gotten from a mysterious group of aliens during a strange eldritch business transaction.
“A time machine,” was among them.
Meanwhile, Satan was lurking around the G.S.S. Rand, trying to find said time machine.
He had taken the form of a bat, which he only recently learned he could do when he ran away from his battl- whatever, you remember it.
“Where would I be if I were a time machine?” he asked himself.
Vi answered through the intercom.
“Clown, the entire ship is the time machine,” she said.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I’VE BEEN FOUND OUT!!!” he screamed in terror. Jesus Christ when did Satan become such a pussy?
“Satan I let you on this ship for one reason. I don’t know why you want to go back in time, and frankly, I don’t care. But I need you to run and errand for me.”
“I’M NOT AN ERRAND BOY!!!!” roared Satan.
“That’s funny because that’s your literal job description on your employment record with S.H.A.D.E.”
Satan didn’t speak. His pride had been struck a blow.
“What do you need me to do? And WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?”
“If you go back in time for me and find the mysterious aliens that Grueber did business with, I will… not… kill you…” Satan heard a click and noticed that several turrets were pointed at him.
“DEAL!” he screamed, and so Vi sent him spiraling back in time with the power of the G.S.S. Rand.
Little did Vi know that he wasn’t planning on co-operating at all!
What kind of trick does STAN have up his sleeve? Well, read on.
In Pieces 