Rodrigo Gets Some part 14– THE FINAL UPDATE?

Until the FULL BOOK gets released, this might be the last SNEAK PEAK I post. Well, maybe. Enjoy either way.




As Stantan traveled through space-time like some kind of demonic time-traveler, im hungry… i dont know what I want to eat though. part of me wants something sweet, but… god im just so tired all the time.. huh? Oh uh… let’s check in on the assault on “Bear” Sweeney’s island compound, shall we?

“You ever been on a raid before, Rodrigo?” asked McMann, as the two sat in the kitchen of the leading navel … naval? which one is it, 1 sec… duh, of course it’s naval. well while I’m here, I want to talk about navels for a sec. so there was a pinball game on like oooooold-ass computers back in the 90’s, called EPIC PINBALL and one of the tables was called “Cybergirl”–I had to search high and low to find those names. I guess Wikipedia’s still good for SOMETHING. So Cybergirl was basically “cyber” because idk, her she had like a robot eye or something. The table background was her from the waist up, just in a bra, with her midriff exposed, and it absolutely hypnotized young me. I couldn’t have been more than 10 I guess. That was probably my first crush. So that’s it, that’s the entire story. But yeah, girls with abs or even just flat stomach are on entirely-different levels that the modern she-pigs we have to be exposed to these days and they’re part of the reason why I know that God exists. And no, I’m not being sexist, I’m not going to pretend that men haven’t degraded TERRIBLY either. EVERYONE is becoming gross. What can we do? Well, we can keep reading about the assault on “Bear” Sweeney’s island I guess.
anyway, McMann and Rodrigo weren’t on a navel ship, but a NAVAL ship. One among dozens on their way to Hacker Island.
“No,” replied Rodrigo finally, “what do I need to know?”
“Do you know how to fire a gun?”
Rodrigo flexed his cyborg biceps.
It’s not the kind of gun McMann had meant, but they were undoubtedly lethal weapons. The cyber-cyborg-magick-arms20k were hard enough to stop a bullet, and easily hard enough to stop a man’s skull from remaining uncrushed.
McMann’s own arms were an older model, but no less tough. He slapped his elbow down on the table in challenge. Rodrigo obliged, and the two had an arm-wrestling match that lasted the next 45 minutes until they were interrupted by Joshi begging them to stop wasting time, because they had landed on the island 40 minutes ago already.

“What kind of resistance will we be facing, Joshi?” asked McMann.
“Hell if I know. Vi couldn’t even peak into their infrastructure. Whatever they’ve got in store will be a complete surprise until we get there.”
“And by then it’ll be too late.”
“Yeah. Thankfully we’ve got Rodrigo the Unkillable with us. As long as we stay behind him, we’ll be safe.”
Joshi, McMann, Rodrigo, and a team of the most ELITE Space Marines (rookies) to ever enlist left the ship, carefully walking single-file behind Rodrigo. Joshi kept his hand on Rodrigo’s shoulder and instructed him where to go.

“Bear” Sweeney watched from a distance. He knew that Joshi having them all go single-file was an elaborate ruse to draw him out to attack. It’d be too easy to unleash his cyber-commandos and wipe them all out in a matter of seconds. No… surely Joshi had a trick up his sleeve.
“Just keep moving, Rodrigo,” said Joshi.
“Joshi, what the hell are we doing?”
“Trust the plan, kid,” said McMann.

Joshi was actually leading them around the networking cables layered mere centimetres deep across the island. They were like landmines. One wrong step, and they’d all be hacked to kingdom comelmfao I dont know man, that’s just how it is. THEY CANT STEP ON THE CABLES.
But Joshi could see them all. His vision was augmented. It had been for some time now, thanks to Vi and the best Space-Scientists the Space-Marines had to offer. Joshi could see the outlines of the cables in glowing red and he knew that to step on one was to allow yourself to be exposed to Sweeney’s devices. Like getting spotted in Metal Gear Solid. No thanks. And so with Rodrigo in front, Joshi led them all through the maze, knowing that Sweeney could attack, but wouldn’t attack. Because after all, the island was surrounded by McMann’s Mari I mean Navy. But also the Marines were onboard the Navy ships as well. How the fuck do different soldiers even travel? That might be a question to real life, but in this story, the Space-Marines and Space-Sailors were both onboard the Space-Navy ships, which were in the water. And also in the sky.
“Bear” Sweeney knew this day would come eventually. When the world became too afraid of him. His fatal mistake must have been teaming up with S.H.A.D.E. for their vast resources. And now this was the end, and he knew it. But he wouldn’t go out without a fight. Even if the military glassed his entire island, killing the thousands of innocent native islanders as well as tourists, by God, Sweeney would take Joshi down with him.
And so he charged in (digitally-speaking), distracting Vi with a million billion pop-ups from Indian scammers. Joshi was hit just as hard and stumbled. The men instinctively circled him to defend him– big mistake. In doing so, most of them stepped down on Sweeney’s network cable, allowing him DIRECT ACCESS into their neuro-implants, and shutting them down completely. All but McMann, who still was operating on an outdated but trustworthy Mil-OS. Spinning in a flurry, he pushed all of his men down to the ground as the sonic turrets opened fire at our heroes. McMann was hit hard. Joshi had already fallen to the ground in agony from the constant ALERT FROM MI-CRO-SOFT, YOUR COMPUTER IS INFECTED AND ALSO YOU OWE THE IRS 4 THOUSAND DOLLARS. IF YOU DO NOT PAY WE WILL CALL THE POLIC–but then Vi was finally able to shut it all down for the both of them, freeing them. Joshi pulled a confused Rodrigo down to the ground to duck under the turrets, firing all forms of annoying sounds that would drive any person insane.
“NO BIFF, IT’S NOT OVER YET,” roared McMann, and he extended his hand to Joshi, who knowingly handed him his EXON-MOBILE true-wireless noise-canceling earbuds, the first earbuds to actually cancel noise. Developed to save the company (and it did) after oil stopped being important and humans were finally able to stop raping Mother Gaia for the sake of modern convenience.
McMann charged like a fucking mastiff-bull hybrid monster into the turrets, who weren’t actually turrets at all, but just men painted metallic silver. He beat them all to death like a gorilla beating a baby gorilla, tearing them limb-from-limb like that friend of the woman who owned a chimpanzee who was recently given hallucination-inducing drugs by a vet.
But McMann wasn’t hallucinating. His mind was as clear as crystal. He was close, so close to the end of his dream. His one wish, through all of his life. To protect Humanity. “Bear” Sweeney was one of the S.H.A.D.E.’s most elite members. With the other tech-experts already taken care of by Joshi, killing him would cripple their technological capabilities. As Joshi watched McMann lay waste to Sweeney’s guards, he knew that there was almost no chance that there’d be anything left for him to salvage. That was okay. Ace, Size, and Olya had given him more than enough to work with. In fact, with the addition of Olya’s abilities, Joshi was able to pinpoint exactly where “Bear” was hiding. The top-floor of the cyberpunk castle overlooking the island. Joshi dropped a waypoint onto McMann’s HUD (that’s Heads-up-Display for you non-gamers) and as he woke up McMann’s men to go aid him, he simultaneously picked out the perfect playlist for McMann’s rampage, estimating one song-per-floor.

The instant the music began streaming into McMann’s ears from his borrowed EXON-MOBILEs, his testosterone levels spiked. He didn’t need any extra, but God was it a surge.

Floor one didn’t prove to be much of a challenge. As Rules of Nature from the Metal Gear Rising Revengeance OST began playing in his ears. McMann grabbed both door-guards by the throats and ran with them in front of him, using them as shields and then battering-rams to pummel the remaining 12 guards in the room, pitifully armed with stun-batons. He then walked upstairs.

Floor two? Well, this is where things began heating up a little. Set the World on Fire by Symphony X started playing and flamethrower-wielding guards fired at McMann! But McMann noticed that they used inferior models to the kind his own Flamethrower-Marines used. They had one fatal design flaw. If the user was killed while operating them, the flamethrowers were rendered useless! McMann ripped a plank off the wall and swung it through the air like a boomerang, crushing the windpipes of the flame-guards. He walked on.

Floor number three. Now this was getting pretty interesting… McMann found himself on a vast, ancient battlefield, with two armies– red, and blue. He looked down and saw himself dressed in red, armed with a broadsword. Before Battlefield by Blind Guardian had finished playing, every last Blue was lying dead or dying on the ground. The holoroom reverted to its default state, revealing the stairs up.

Floor numba 4, eh? L’s Theme from Death Note–a 10-hour version–started jammin’ in McMann’s ears. Even McMann had watched Death Note, because Joshi had forced him to. “The Art of War” of anime he called it. So he figured that this floor must surely be designed to push his mental abilities to the limits, if not crush them entirely. Before him stood a labyrinth with perhaps endless puzzles and traps. McMann stood in place for the first few loops of the song, both to contemplate his first move, and because L’s theme was truly rockin’. He finally made his decision, activated the boosters in his leg-armor, and jumped clear through the ceiling onto the next floor, bypassing the stupid trap-maze entirely.

Finally… floor number FIVE. McMann kicked open the grand door before him and was shocked by what he saw as a HEAVY cover of “Vampire Killer” by 楓-kaede- starting blaring in his ears. Perhaps the most appropriate song choice of the playlist, for standing before him were Chriztina and Danziela, dressed in skimpy lingerie and baring their fangs menacingly. They were VAMPIRES?! How did they escape?! Those were all questions that Joshi pondered when he had first spotted them in the security cameras.
McMann didn’t have the time to think about such things, because the two vampiresses flew at him with horrifying speed. Despite all his cyber augments, they were far stronger than average humans, and McMann could barely hold back both of them at once. What hope did he have of DEFEATING them both?
Meanwhile, let’s check in on how Satan is doing with his mission to go back in time. Vi wanted him to find out who Grueber was wheeling and dealing with to get all that SUPER-TECH he has, but remember GOD wants Satan to train in Goblin-Karate so that he can defeat the Gloommeister and remain the King of Hell.

Satan had made a major miscalculation– jesus i just sneezed, that felt incredible. unrelated, but let me go get some Doan’s for my back… sorry that took so long, I got a serving of peanuts too. It’s not quite lunch, but I wouldn’t call this breakfast. I don’t really believe in breakfast anymore and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t consider milk and sugar-laced grains to be healthier than the almighty peanut. Anyway, Satan REALLY goofed up big time. And when I say “goofed up”, I mean he got fucking played by Vi like a fiddle. He was supposed to go back in time to train with Goblin Doctor so he could have a chance at beating the Gloommeister in combat–a dubious enough plan already. But for whatever dumbass reason he hadn’t accounted for Vi sending him to a time and place that would be ENTIRELY unhelpful to him– the very moment when Grueber was making his dangerous business deal for the SECRET ALIEN TECHNOLOGY that they’ve been using ever since.
“Oh bother,” said Satan.
What else was there to do now but comply with Vi?

“Hey, is that the Devil?” asked Simon, the chief of Grueber’s security here in Grueber Towers where the meeting was taking place.
“Umm- umm-” stammered Satan. This was it. His time to shine. And he thought of an INGENIOUS PLAN indeed.
“ALIENS!” he announced to the aliens who were indeed there, cloaked to hide their identities. “IF YOU GIVE GRUEBER TIME MACHINES, HE WILL USE IT TO DESTROY YOU ALL!”
“YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!” roared Grueber, as Simon jumped him and proceeded beating the living shit out of him.
“Please, my dear friends, ignore this buffoon. He is something like a court jester to us.”
The aliens nodded and spoke in a strange tongue that only Grueber seemed to understand.
“We have an agreement, then?”
They nodded again and disappeared.
“Sir, what should I do about him?” asked Simon, still on top of Satan.
“Beat his ass some more and throw him out. He’s of no consequence. Not anymore.”
Meanwhile, back to the assault on “Bear” Sweeney’s McMansion. I’m sorry, it’s not a McMansion, it’s a castle, I already said that.
McMann’s marines couldn’t get to him. They were too busy fighting off Sweeney’s “turrets.” Oh no!

Suddenly, who else but Chriz and Danz came charging in through the door to aid McMann! They were almost paralyzed with lust at seeing Chriztina and Danziela, lookin’ fine as fuck in their red-and-black lingerie. And they weren’t those stupid, ugly monster-vampires either. You know the ones whose faces turn into big-jawed monster freaks when they bare their fangs? Fuck that shit, I don’t see the appeal. They had CUTE fangs, and NORMAL-SIZED jaws. Maybe if they WERE hideous monsters, Chriz would’ve been blind to them and ironically would’ve been able to better defend himself from them. With typical monsters, he could always rely on his hyper-sensitive hearing. But seeing these two bombshells in front of him–not horrifying monsters–he had to rely on his eyes. And relying on your eyes in the face of attractive vampire girls is truly a dangerous idea. Chriz AND Danz were hypnotized in a SECOND. Remember when I said they were almost paralyzed with lust? Well now they actually were.
HOWEVER, taking that time to bewitch Chriz and Danz gave McMann all the time he needed to charge them and double-clothesline them through the fucking wall, sending them crashing outside below, to be apprehended yet again by the Space-Marines.
“Thanks, boys,” said McMann, slapping them on their backs and waking them up from their trance. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
The three took the next set of stairs, and McMann was worried by the next track that began playing in his ears. “Sono Chi No Sadame” from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 1: Phantom Blood. Now, McMann knew that Joshi was a weeb, but he couldn’t believe that this song was picked for just that reason. It was a great song, but there were plenty of better anime openings to choose from. McMann braced himself. He knew what was coming next. More vampires.

Meanwhile, outside, the Space-Marines had finished mopping up “Bear” Sweeney’s troops. And so Rodrigo and Joshi charged toward the mansion to help McMann.

McMann couldn’t believe what he was facing.
“Ah, I see you’ve gotten past my cutie-guards!” announced DRACULA.
Back on the G.S.S. Rand, a member of the Intel Team shivered, and got a terrible feeling that he had royally screwed up some assignment. He excused himself for the rest of the day.
And with that, Dracula summoned a bunch of robotic-bats, that started hacking all of the Space-Marines’s equipment, especially their exo-skeletons. They were no-longer able to move. Thankfully, they’d already beaten the living shit out of all of Sween I mean Dracula’s painted men. But this also meant that Rodrigo and Joshi had no choice but to about-face and guard Chriztina and Danziela, lest they regain consciousness and wreak havoc on the immobilized Marines.
All hope rested on McMann and Grueber’s Elite Guard now: with Dracula defeated, only the head honcho of S.H.A.D.E. would be left, and finally, the world could rest easy.
But Dracula was no slouch. His karate skills were unlike anything any of our three lads had seen before! Even Asia Bones would be hard-pressed to take this undead bastard on! He started beating the tar out of all three of them at once before they finally fell back.
“Where’d you learn to fight?” growled McMann, wiping blood from his lip.
“Yeah!” grimaced Danz, spitting blood from his mouth.
“You’re pretty good,” grunted Chriz, sneezing blood.
“EWWwewwe you guys are grossss!” cried Goblinlass, who arrived on the scene just in the nick of time.

By now, you’re probably sick of me interrupting the story for completely pointless rambling/musings. I really am sorry, I’m just listening to “Domino the Destitute” by Coheed and Cambria, and it really cheered me up enough to write. I was just lying in bed 2 minutes ago. It’s not like it’s the afternoon or anything. I’m not that bad. It’s 9am. I actually woke up at 5 and went on a bike ride. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep or the existential dread is just creeping in a little too hard on me today, but for whatever reason, I just feel like… crushed. Totally crushed and I’m just so tired. Not physically tired, but also yes, physically tired too. Also maybe the caffeine pill helped. Music definitely helps at least a little, too.

But I could never be as tired as Satan, who’d been locked in Grueber Tower for days now– in the PAST, don’t forget. He was being subjected to endless tortures by Simon, the head of Grueber’s security team. A real-deal, EX-Special Forces man. The Army discharged him for being too good, it didn’t seem fair to other nations.

“Simon, don’t you think you’re going a little too rough on him?” asked Past-Vi.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I know things are getting really confusing so I promise we’re getting out of this soon.

“No, Vi. I want to know what he’s doing here.”
“What he fuck is Goblin Karate?” asked Vi.
“It’s not something you’d understand,” said Simon. “It’s one of the most lethal forms of martial arts ever designed. I was created to defend against regular karate, which was developed by the Elves to slay goblins.”


“Yeah wow. Satan, what are you up to?”

For once in his miserable life, Satan wasn’t lying. What kind of fucked-up Butterfly-Effect shit was already happening? What else COULD happen?

Simon relented. “Go back to your own time, then. We’re not telling you anything about Grueber’s business associates.”
“Jesus Christ, what a waste of time,” Satan sobbed.
“No, my son,” said Jesus Christ. “Dad sent me here to bring you to lead you to Goblin Doctor.”
“JESUS? What is YOUR connection with Goblin Doctor?”
“I’m a healer. Who do you think taught him?”
“I can’t believe this shit,” said Simon and he turned to leave the room to go deal with other business. Grueber always had plenty of work for him anyway, and he didn’t want to try wrapping his mind around a time-traveling devil learning secret martial arts for whatever reason.

“Simon,” said Jesus. “I want you to come with us.”
“What the fuck?”
“You have to ALSO learn Goblin-Karate. So that you can come with us to the future and help Grueber. He and his allies desperately need your expertise.”
“Grueber’s upstairs in his office,” answered Simon. “I can see him on my screen right there.”
“That’s merely one Grueber of many. You might find this hard to believe–”
“I’m absolutely positive that I will.”
“But Grueber’s been traveling across time and space, trying to save Humanity.”
“That doesn’t sound like my boss, at all.”
“But it is, Simon. Vi’s already in the future…”
“Are you telling me she’s not real either?”
“No, she’s most certainly real. But so is the Vi fighting for your life in the future in another dimension.”
“I’m not going to pretend to understand any of this. But you’re Jesus Christ, so I guess I can’t argue.”
“You have Free Will, Simon. You don’t have to co–”
“ALRIGHT ALREADY, LET’S GET GOING. But Vi’s coming with me.”
“Yes I am!”
“Fine, where is she?”
“No-one knows.”
Jesus paused for a moment and checked his infinitely-expansive knowledge. Indeed, even He did not know.
Vi smiled smugly to herself.
“Well, if you need her, then of course she can come.”
“Is it true, Simon? Do you need me? :3 ” Vi teased.
Vi was the only one who could make Simon feel anything close to love, and his face heated for a moment before he excused himself to pack.

“Boss, I’m headed out.”
“Of course you are Simon, of course you are,” replied Benjamin Grueber. “No doubt, another version of myself needs you.”
Simon wasn’t surprised that Grueber already knew.
“Sir, who’s going to watch you while I’m away?” The security force that Simon led was the cream of the crop, but it NEEDED a leader.
“Four very capable guards, Simon. That’s right, FOUR people to replace you. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Who are they, sir?”
“Two vampiresses, a half-blind swordsman, and a magician-artist.”

Who could Grueber be talking about? Well, let’s go back to the future.

But before we get there, let’s check on McMann jesus christ this story is all over the place. You know, a lot of people might consider this terrible writing. I consider it big-brain writing. Sorry if it’s hard to follow. It’s just as hard for me to write, you must understand. Okay, I’m not going to call myself a genius, but I’m sure as hell also not going to call literary critics geniuses either. Just… anyway,

Goblinlass had arrived to take on Dracula! And not just her, but Asia Bones! Dracula thought he MIGHT be able to take on the old master by himself, but he was concerned about his young student. She looked ready to kick some vampiric ass. Dracula’s self-preservation was higher than most people’s and he knew when to throw in the towel. Oh man, I’m sorry but “Sisters” by Pain of Salvation just started playing in my wireless earbuds. This is easily one of my favorite songs. It’s probably not for everyone. It’s about a guy getting drunk on wine at a party and wanting to sleep with his wife’s or gf’s or whatever’s sister because she reminds him of her. Yeah I know that doesn’t sound like such a great song. But it’s just such a calm, beautiful song. Everything’s perfect. The lyrics, the music, the vocals– Daniel Gildenlow’s been my favorite singer for like 10 years now… God… time really does fly. HEY the song’s kinda like how Rodrigo wanted to fucc Goblinlass? See, I brought it right back, so you can excuse this interruption.

Fracula lmfao I mean FraWOW WHERE IS MY D KEY? Dracula fell to he knees and held out his hands. “I know I cannot defeat both of you,” he said. “Please, spare me.”
Asia Bones was about to accept his surrender and spare him unconditionally, when Danz spoke up.
Asia was disgusted for a split second at this obviously-selfish demand. Then he glanced at the cute little piece standing next to him and realized he was no better. Everyone needed a parter.

Dracula hissed. “Not my daughters… please…”
“Oh, so it’s just a coincidence that they were named Chriztina and Danziela? That’s pretty funny,” said Goblinlass.
“We’ll take care of them, sir. They’re safer with us than with your LOSING side,” said Asia Bones.
Dracula sighed and turned toward the hole in the wall and yelled outside.
Chriztina and Danziela giggled as Chriz and Danz looked down at them.

“I’m glad to hear that,” said Grueber on everyone’s wrist-communicators. “Because I need Chriz and Danz and Chriztina and Danziela to go back in time and switch places with my old bodyguard Simon.”
“Why the hell?”
“Because, the tides of battle have shifted across time. It’s now more dangerous for my past-self than it is my present-self. Simon will finish our mission here, and you all will go back and protect past-Grueber to ensure we make it this far.”
“This is really hard to follow,” said Me, the Narrator.
“I understand, but this is the way things have to be. So please, do not fight me on this.”
“Very well.”
Everyone returned to the G.S.S. Rand to prepare for time-travel, except for Asia Bones and Dracula, who wanted to speak to each other in private.

“So will you tell me, Dracula? Will you tell me who the true Leader of S.H.A.D.E. is? Also will you tell me what S.H.A.D.E. stands for?”
“If you can defeat me in a friendly sparring match, Asia, I will tell you everything I know…”

And so Asia Bones and Dracula’s fists flew out towards each other like Rocky and Apollo at the end of Rocky 3.

Meanwhile, in a less-friendly sparring match, Jesus Christ was whipping the shit out of Satan.
“DUDE RELAX!” cried Satan, crawling back to his feet after being slammed down.
“Sorry, it’s just instinct,” Christ said, helping the devil back to his feet.
Since he’d been there, Jesus decided to also learn Goblin Karate from Goblin Doctor. Goblin Doctor INSISTED on it really, wanting to pay the Messiah back for teaching him Medicine.
“You’re BOTH sloppy,” said Goblin Doctor. “You need to train HARDER, like Simon.”
Simon had taken to Goblin Karate like a duck to water. His years as the bodyguard to the most-frequently targeted person on Earth had forced him to learn many different fighting techniques. The history and development of Goblin Karate was unknown. How Goblins, of all races, could come up with something this brutal and effective, was a genuine mystery 😉

“I don’t buy for even a half second that Goblin Karate was created by Goblins,” Simon later said to Jesus when they were taking water breaks.
“Yeah, you’re right,” Jesus said. “My Father gifted it to them so they wouldn’t be completely genocided by the Elves and the Japanese.”
“Do Elves even exist?”
“Are you really asking me that?” asked Jesus, eyebrow raised.
Satan came over to the water fountain and drank like a horse. He was absolutely exhausted.
“There’s no way I can get the hang of this,” he moaned.
“Cheer up, Satan, you’ve still got Simon and I as sparring partners!” Jesus said.
“Simon! Jesus! It’s time for you guys to GTFO,” Goblin Doctor said.
“What? Why?” asked Simon.
“I’ve taught you everything I can. And my debt to you now, Christ, is repaid!”
“Yes, it is.”
Goblin Doctor and Jesus bowed to each other while Simon went to go put his shoes on.
“He’s a bad guy, right?” asked Simon.
“Yeah, but it’s… really not that big of a deal,” said Jesus. “It’s all very complicated.”
“I can tell. So where are we headed?”
“To the future! Did you still want to bring your girlfriend with you?”
“Vi’s not my–”
“Yep! I’m right here!” announced Vi, projecting the audio from Simon’s earpiece.
“So you ARE an AI?” asked Jesus.
“But I don’t think you can get reception in the future… in another dimension…”
“I think I can!” replied Vi.
Jesus smiled. For whatever reason, God was keeping the story of Vi a mystery even to him.
“Well, let’s get going then.”
Christ snapped his fingers and they all disappeared, leaving Satan alone to continuing getting his ass whooped (for his own good) by Goblin Doctor.

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