Dear generic bloggers who like-spam every post they see:

I will never look at your stupid, lame blog. Never ever.

I hope you mauled by a bear.

Go ahead, like this post, see if I care 😭😭😭 reeeeeeeeeeee i cant take them anymoreeeeee im going to switch to self-hosting 😭😭😭 WHY WON’T WORDPRESS ALLOW YOU TO JUST OPT OUT OF “LIKES” ENTIRELY? I CAN’T STAND THESE FREAKING “””PEOPLE”””.

umm.sorry.

everyone else who actually reads: i love you, please enjoy 🙂

When Sev turned back around, he got an uneasy feeling looking at the empty hallway ahead of him. He thought about going back and asking the girls for help. Eating salads with lava was suggestive of superhuman constitution, and he really felt like he’d need that now. His legs turned to jelly, and then they literally turned to jelly. As he flopped around on the ground he had his first hallucination, which I will not describe for your sake and mine. Sev would have many hallucinations for the rest of his stay at the Emoji Factory. Level 1 was brain-safe for humans to work happily and stupidly, but Level 2 was where you really started feeling It. Middle-managers and sex-perverts were around every corner. Sev transformed into a bear to try to fix his legs. It worked. Very useful!

When I was being equipped for this mission, They told me: Bud, we’ll let you shapeshift into any creature. “WOW” I had said, but They read my mind and were like: “Don’t get too excited. Any ONE creature. Choose ONE.”

I think normally I’d want to be an eagle. Some kind of fierce raptor, an apex-predator of the sky would could just fly around all day, swoop in and destroy small-to-medium sized mammals, and have goverment-protection because I’d be so majestic and rare.
But I figured the inside of the Emoji Factory would be a no-fly zone in practical terms. (I’d later find out I was quite wrong) But choosing a big, badass grizzly bear was pretty wise of me too and I gotta give myself props. At the time, I’d recently read That Hideous Strength for the first time, AND then I’d re-read The Hobbit afterwards. Did they influence my decision? Is there something “godly” about bears? I think a tiger could probably take one in a fight, though. But on the other hand, I get the impression that a bear could at least take more punishment. So tigers for are your damage-dealers, and bears are tanks. Hey, I even remember that from when I used to play World of Warcraft. What did I play as again? I was an Elf Hunter. No excuse me, a Night Elf Hunter. That’ll be important later on. Not that I played a Night Elf Hunter in WoW, that’s not important. But Elves will be important later on, you’ll see. I’m telling you this now not because it’s important to know now, but just because I happened to go off on a tangent, sorry about that. Also tigers will be important too. All in good time.

Sev charged through the hallways as fast as a bear could run. Are you tempted to look up how fast that is? Don’t be, the answer is 35 miles per hour. So when an executive-demon strolled out of his office to see what that racket was, Sev hit him as a car would, and sent him from this realm into the next, leaving behind a wife but no children. She would remarry the following year and nag her next husband to death as well.

“As well?” Yes. The demon Sev had run down was named Vaxit, and he was an incredibly perceptive demon with a love of nature. He knew what a grizzly bear sounded like, and had purposefully left his office so he could hopefully be killed and escape from his miserable life with his wife who loved only talking and never ever shutting her mouth. His plan had succeeded, and although suicide is not encouraged, the Lord was so impressed with Vaxit’s bravery that he clipped his bat-wings and made him a beautiful angel. Vaxit was eventually canonized in many esoteric Christian cults as the Patron Saint of Suffering Husbands. Maybe we’ll be seeing more of him.