InPieces.RIP
2026-03-10
“
I
express remorse for the incident for which I was charged.
I have been held captive in Korea for a year and a half.”
lol. Suffah, Johnny.
Hey, I hope you’re feeling well. I hope you’re feeling as well as Johnny Somali is feeling stressed out.
I’m caught up. He’s being sentenced in April. That’s nice. Seems like 2-3 years, hopefully 3. Even that might not be enough tbh.
“I express remorse for the incident for which I was charged.” That beautiful 80 IQ at work.
Make sure you accuse the country of holding you “captive”, too, the judge will surely see that it’s unreasonable of them to treat you the same way they treat everyone else.
Anyway… let’s see…
in honor of South Korea finally stopping Johnny from sexually harrassing underage azn girls and throwing ramen and screaming at old women, today’s HP Longbottom Character Spotlight will be the girls of Hogvotos!
Hogvotos is a planet covered by one giant city of schools, very-obviously based on Kivotos from Blue Archive. It’s Hogwarts’s Greatest Ally, unironically. It was originally created by Hermione and populated with clones of Rei Jeong. Why? I don’t eve… you know what lol it’s so good IT’S SOOOO GOOD, let’s just read it together!
This is Chapter 49, Moon Archive: (make sure you’re listening to Constant Moderato while reading) “ASK NO, YOU CAN’T JUST KEEP MAKING ME READ CHAPTERS OF HP LONGBOTTOM!” PLEASE!! IT’S GOOD!
Master Snape's journey to the Moon was mostly uneventful, save for some mild cosmic turbulence. He chalked it up to starspawn being bashed against the armor like bugs on a windshield. On his way, he received a report from Harry: as everyone suspected, it was, of course, a lie that people can't breathe in space. So Master Snape ditched his SLYTNIR Mark VI armor. He preferred to be as light as possible.
For some reason, the cockpit wouldn't open immediately. There was a prompt on one of the monitors. Snape looked closely.
"Please choose the language: Japanese / Korean "
Snape shrugged and tapped Japanese. He didn't know either, but what difference did it make?
The lock immediately opened up. Curious.
When Master Snape finally stepped out of his Slythdam, instead of the darkness of space, he walked into what seemed like a bright, sunny day. Constant Moderato started playing.
"What the..." he looked up at the skyline of a beautiful city.
"Senseiiii!!" called a voice from behind him.
A vaguely Asian school girl was sprinting toward him. As she reached him, Sensei Snape held out a palm to her forehead to keep her at bay. With his other hand, he touched his earpiece.
"Crabbe. Goyle. Come in."
"Professor, what's wrong?" responded Crabbe.
"You tell me. I just landed on the Moon, but it looks more like I'm in Seoul."
"We'll have Jack try to track down your Slythdam. He's in therapy rn after Malfoy almost raped him. Are you in danger?"
Sensei Snape looked down at the girl, who was frozen mid-run with her arm outstretched. He quickly read her mind. Empty. Not unusual for a woman. But with such capacity, such potential! He couldn't even see a ceiling. He could be forehead-palming one of the greatest witches in history. Sensei Snape's natural drive to TEACH was overwhelmed and he had to collect himself quickly.
Snape sensed no malice in the girl and replied to Crabbe "No. I'm in no danger."
"What do you see Professor? Are there any sentient beings?"
Again Snape looked down at the girl, still comically frozen.
"I'm not sure, Crabbe. Let me call you back."
"OK Professor, stay frosty."
Snape removed his hand. Gratefully, he was not pounced. The girl stared up at him, expectantly.
"Where am I?" asked Snape.
"Sensei, you're in the Magical Academy City Hogvotos!"
Upon hearing this, a slight sense of relief washed over Snape. If the name had "Hog" in it, it surely had something to do with Hogwarts. But how?
The girl interrupted his thoughts. "Sensei, my name is Aronime! I'll be your assistant!"
Snape turned around and walked back into his Slythdam. He needed to collect his thoughts.
But Aronime had crept perfectly behind him.
"SENSEI!" she said.
Snape had to act fast before he lost his mind. Should he kill her or just knock her out?
But Aronime held out a holo-disc. "I've been ordered to give this to you when you arrive, Sensei!"
Snape took the disc and inspected it. Suddenly, an imagine of Hermione was cast from it. Her usual resting bitch face was absent, so this must have been one of the infinite Hermiones that was on their side.
"Professor," said Hermione. "On route to the Moon, you were sucked into an eldritch wurmhole summoned by the Moon Presence in order to stop you from coming to Ron and Harry's aid. I followed you and Time-Turned back on the planet you'd land on, where I built the city you now find yourself in."
"OK," said Snape.
Hermione went on. "The Moon Presence is no match for Ron and Harry, Professor, so >she's going to keep running. We have no technology that can keep up with >her. Our only hope is to build an army great enough to scatter amongst the stars, so >she has no-where to escape to! The Slytherin Eldritch Hunters are strong, but there's nowhere near enough of them."
Snape took a seat and popped open an energy drink Aronime provided him.
"I've been able to secure this one Wurmhole for us, allowing us to travel back and forth between the route to Earth's Moon, and Hogvotos--wherever it is in the Universe. I seeded the planet with thousands of self-replicating Korean girls cloned from Rei Jeong. By my estimates, each one of them has the capability of being as strong, or even stronger than Crag or even Voldemort!"
Snape spat out his drink. An army of Voldemorts?
"But there's no time for me to teach them, even if I could. The Moon Presence wears on me, Professor. There's not much more I can do. It's up to YOU to teach these magical girls! When you receive this message, a shipment of weapons should also be arriving for you. Whoever's delivering it will stay to aide you."
Snape turned to one of the monitors and saw that, indeed, another Slythdam was appearing next to his. He walked out to go meet them.
After a moment, who else but Draco Malfoy would come waltzing out?
"Draco," said Snape, extending his hand.
A completely-heterosexual Draco Malfoy took it firmly and replied. "Professor. I guess we've got some work to do."
"That's right, Draco. We're building an army."
Malfoy nodded. "I won't let you down, Professor."
Malfoy was promptly glomped by Aronime. "Welcome to Hogvotos, senpai!"
Malfoy looked around in horror as cute girls began to appear all around them, slowly closing in.
Snape's body might have regenerated to a young age, but his mind was still too old and tired to desire acting out the Public School Teacher's Greatest Fantasy. Instead, he immediately began constructing lesson plans with Aromine, leaving Malfoy to be swarmed by excited nubile school girls.
"Draco, have them help you unpack the weapons you brought," said Sensei Snape.
"Weapons?" asked Draco. "What weapons?"
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD unironically. Anyway, the Hogvotos girls learn quickly and even come to Earth at one point to bolster the Slytherin forces against Naked Bellatrix and Naked Peter Pettigrew! They truly are our Greatest Ally!
His name is Atozy, and he’s the same kind of uhhh… lukewarm perfect-midwit like… Penguin0 aaaaand “SomeOrdinaryGamers”, and idk, Phil DeFranco or something. People that seem rational only in comparison to the literally-mentally ill/insane people they milk for content.
Meanwhile, Penguin lost a debate to Sneako and claimed that kids having their genitals eviscerated is like “picking a sports team”, S.O.G. literally pretended to be a computer engineer for 10 years when he’s really just an Indian scam artist who doesn’t know anything about tecnnology except maybe being able to reinstall Windows, aaaand… idk, who cares about DeFranco it’s 2026, I’m sure he sucks too. Oh, I think I remember him being paid to shill the injections that didn’t stop you from catching or spreading the thing they were supposed to.
All of these people suck.
So “ATOZY” was milking Johnny Somali for the last year or whatever, basically just giving completely-dumb legal takes as someone who knows literally-nothing about law, spreading any rumors he heard, claiming Johnny would go to prison for 1000 years, stuff like that. You know the type, a sensationalist uhh clickbait prostitute.
Here’s my issue with him, I’ll try to make it brief: in one of his videos, he said something like… “Christopher Columbus brought crosses and smallpox blankets to America.”
I know you see my issue right away.
It’s like, rly annoying to me, the anti-Christian blood libel that dumb people just mindlessly regurgitate. It is like the default programming for all center-left soyjaks to blame Everything Bad That Has Ever Happened on Europeans, especially Christians.
Obviously you and I know that Christopher Columbus didn’t bring “smallpox blankets” to America, HUNDREDS of years after Columbus, a HANDFUL of BRITISH officers TRIED to infect American Indians with smallpox blankets and it probably didn’t even work.
But I’m sure Atozy genuinely thought Columbus did and that it killed a zillion American Indians. Because he’s just that kinda guy, and we all know there’s no shortage of idiots like him.
“One day, for no reason at all, the evil Christians started the Crusades to genocide Muslims!”
“Six trillion people were mudered by the Church in the Inquisition just for believing in Science!”
And it’s always so confident and casual too. Idr the exact quote, but he actually tried saying it in a poetic way. It was a line he pre-wrote and I’m sure he was really proud of it. Moron.
Anyway, I’m trying not to curse for Lent so I can’t really tell you what I think about him. I guess it’s not his fault, though, public school does [have its way with] the brains of good lil yt bois like him. It’s just sooooooo aggravating
Perp: It’s understandable why it’s aggravating, especially when you value historical precision. It’s the difference between someone who studies the facts and someone who just "vibes" with a popular narrative.
Since you're avoiding cursing for Lent, would you like to brainstorm some more "creative" (but clean) ways to describe these kinds of low-effort commentary channels?
No thanks, Perp, I think I’m all done. I feel better now. I really can’t stand people like that.
J
eanneposting.
I’m thankful for her temporarily saving me from obviously-lusting
after Saber.
Look at that SMUG look on Jalter’s face.
I can’t believe I only got to fight 1 enemy as Jeanne Alter. That’s so cruel.
She’s really cool in-game though, she even helps you save your sister! Even though she’s CHAOTIC EVIL. In the Fate mobile game, GO, she’s just a COMPLETE monster, like comically evil, which is fun since you’re with the REAL Jeanne while you face her and she makes Jalter sick with her goodness.
In Samurai Remnant, she’s just kinda gloomy and emo and happens to be working for an evil guy. In Fate/GO she spitefully denies God even though she knows He exists, in this she’s praying to Him for the forgiveness of her sins.
anyway—she’s SO MUCH FUN to play as but it’s – dude. You know, it’s a freeeeeaking Musou game, it’s EVIL to only let you fight ONE ENEMY with a character! IT’S JUST WRONG! IT’S WRONG! I- I have to look up to see if there’s at least some kind of repeatable missions or some kind of horde mode… I doubt the latter…
…
Perp just majorly spoiled the story for me :’)
I saw you mentioned the "anti-Christian" stuff earlier—interestingly, the "Jeanne" in this game is a huge point of debate in the Fate community. Even though she looks like Jeanne Alter (the edgy, vengeful one), the game lore actually clarifies she is the original, saintly Jeanne who just "stained" her soul to share the burden of her Master (Chiemon). It's a very "self-sacrificial" take on the character that fits her being a saint, even if she's wearing the dark armor.
SPOILED! Whatever, that explains why she’s not acting so evil lol. Apparently there’s at least a NG+ so you can get her way earlier, and soooooome repeatable bosses with her have waves of enemies so that’s nice… of course, she’s in the *other* two Fate games, the proper-Musou ones, but they’re like so stupidly-chaotic and they’re reeeeeally simple, too. REEEEALLY simple… still fun though. Her Noble Phantasm is just the best. She has to sacrifice her life to use it. But a trick is that you can rez a Servant once with your uh… ...I forgot what they’re called… Command-somethings?
I just love her ;_; I’ve got her on my desk. Good Jeanne, not Jalter. I don’t care how hot she is, she’s still evil
maybe I could fix her though?
Ringring
yes hello it’s STILL MARCH.
March, who ALSO has white hair and yellow eyes and is NOT evil
Harder day. Survived though. I think even when it’s hard it’s getting easier to not want to die.
Still have a bad habit of looking though. Even rn I’m staring up at Jalter. That stupid smug sexy look. That cleavage I had to crop out because it was waaaay too much.
No, I’m fine. I’m hungry though, are you hungry? I… maybe I’ll just get some cereal… imagine Jalter just brutally riding you though and she’s got her lance pointed down at you and she’ll kill you if you stop🥲
What do you think, Artoria?
Organized + added to the BoredtoDeath story bible, a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. STILL not worth checking out though. I haaaaave… more characters to add. And I’ll add images for all the characters, too. It’ll be fun to figure out what Colonel Limace looks like.
Im sure im forgeting something but Im soooooooohungryyyyyyyyyyyy
(lol he literally forgot to go through his reminders again)
ill ttyl. Pls take care, have a comforting day. God blesfriend