"Billy Mitchell, is that you?" I asked.
I already knew the answer of course. I knew that face like the back of my hand, where that face was tatooed. I was one of the oldest remaining members of the Billy Mitchell Fan Club--initiated at a young age by my father to one day be one of Billy's wives. But after the local drug peddlin' death-worshiping gang known as Da Speedrunaz started slandering Billy, he disbanded the Fan Club to protect us. But my tattoo was itching and burning now-- and not like when i first got it. It was itching and burning with a heat that i only ever experienced when i was a kid and watched the video-evidence of Billy getting the World Record in Donkey Kong while i sat on my father's lap and drank a Coca Cola. Father was smoking the biggest cigar i ever saw. ive looked for that cigar for years, reaching out to every friend i loved and acquaintance that i knew PLEADing for their help-- i couldnt ask Father himself. It was supposed to be a surprise. He was in the hospital with a bad disease. and i knew that this cigar was exactly what Father needed to pick him right back up and give him the strength needed to fight and win.
Billy didnt answer me. He already knew that I knew. Instead, he held out what id been looking for for all this time: The Cigar.
"Is that...?" I asked, wiping the sleep from my eyes as my heart began jumping like a professional jump-roper in my chest.
"It is, Sandra," said Billy. "im sorry that i've been keeping this from you. Look."
Billy tossed the cigar into my bra. as I fished it out from between my breasts, i saw Billy's face again. Of course... it was a Billy Mitchell cigar. That was why i could never find it. this cigar was only ever smoked by Club members.
"I'm getting the band back together, as it were," said Billy, popping a slav quat on my bed. "and I need you."
"For what? To bear your brood?" I hissed, secretly hoping he'd say yes.
Billy disappointed me and shook his head. "There's no time for that, we need every able body to be able-bodied. Where we're going, we don't need pregnant women."
"So what do you need?"
"Able bodies, I just said that."
"I'm taking the fight to the Speedrunaz. They've terrorized this community for long enough, wouldn't you agree?"
I spat. it landed on Billy's hand. He looked at it and nodded. "So that's your answer? After what they did to your father?"
I growled. "My FATHER was INFECTED because he didnt wear his MASK."
Billy smiled sadly. "The masks dont work, Sandra. You know that as well as I do. Your father knew that too. That's why he was so careful."
Billy made a big fat fist--2 of them-- and hammer-fisted my bed like a kid throwing a tantrum. PUFF! "SO damn careful. So how'd he get infected? Or rather, WHO infected him? When the only people he ever interacted with were you, your mother, and myself?"
"Maybe YOU did it, Billy," I said. I reached under my MyPillow for my glock. It wasn't there...
"No, Sandra, that's impossible. I am immune. As was your mother. You? You're a NEET, there's no way you gave it to him. So again... I ask you......"
Billy got right up in my face. His flaming-hot hotsauce breath poured all over my nose.
"The Speedrunaz, is that what you want me to say?" I asked. "And what LOGIC,REASON,AND EVIDENCE do you have of that?"
Billy smirked so confidently that i knew at that moment that no other man would ever satisfy me.
"I know the judge who works at your father's hospital."
"The Viral Judge?" i demanded. "That one?"
"That one," whispered Billy, getting hard not because of me, but from his own brilliance. His head shook involuntarily as he regained composure. "He's a fan, you might say."
Of course.... why wouldnt he be?
Billy went on. "i cant give you his name, of course, in case you're captured by the Enemy. But what I can tell you is that he's judged that your father's infection is NOT accidental... it's purposeful. He was targeted."
"A targeted individual?" i gasped, putting my hand to my mouth.
"Exactly. The only question--the question that YOU must find out yourself... is why..."
"I'll ask my father!" I said.
"NO," said Billy Mitchell. "It's too dangerous. That hospital get millions of Fedbux Donatos from the Speedrunaz every year.
"So what am I supposed to do? What do YOU want from me, Billy?"
Billy hopped off my bed and moved to my door. "That's another question that you'll have to answer yourself, Sandra. The less you know right now, the more useful you are to me and my machinations. What I need from you is absolute loyalty. The same kind your father gave me."
"And look where it landed him," i muttered. Billy ignored it. He tossed me
"Dedicate yourself to me. And I'll not only cure your father, I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams..." Billy tossed me my glock.
"And what's in it for you?" I asked, removing the magazine and blowing on it like a nintendo cartridge.
Billy Mitchell smiled at me. then he smirked. "The World."
"There is literally nothing wrong with Brave," said Billy Mitchell. "And by using it, we can generate Basic Attention Token for the war effort."
"I dont want to switch my web browser Billy Mitchell," said Sandra, who is now a character instead of the narrator.
"That's too bad... because the Brave Web Browser not only is THE web browser to use, but it's THE OFFICIAL web browser of our merc army."
"The Diamond Kongs?"
"I was thinking 'The Donkey Dogs."
"What about the Diamond Donks?"
"No that sounds lewd. We are the Donkey Dogs."
"No, that's dumb. Diamond Kongs is better."
"But that's not DD."
"What about the Diamond Donkeys then?"
This went on for hours before they finally agreed on Diamond Donks. Sandra was tired, as women tend to get.
"Sandra, i can tell that you're tired," said Billy Mitchell. "Normally I'd allow you to rest yourself on my lap. But the time for careless activities such as that is LONG over-- just like the time of Da Speedrunaz is YOWCH there's a fire ant on my leg!
"Are you OK Billy?" Sandra asked, leaping to her featlmao i mean her feet.
"Am I OK?" laughed Billy. "Why don't you ask HIM?"
Billy Mitchell pulled up his pant leg and revealed an ant clearly in agony.
"He bit off more than he could chew," Sandra immediately understood.
"That's right, Sandra. Just like these autistic gamers with their "data mining" and "tool-assisted speedruns" and whatnot. Sandra, if I'd had TOOLS other than my own two hands and this brain of mine--this WINNER brain--can you imagine how badly I could have broken the entire Industry??"
Sandra did imagine. And it was absolutely horrifying, like something that a journalist finds distasteful.
"So what's the game plan Billy?" she asked. She was a woman of action. But not just a woman, a young woman in her prime. She wanted to get this mission over with ASAP so she could seduce Billy Mitchell, as no woman had ever done before. Not just because it was what her father wished for out loud every single birthday since her first period, but because Sandra was the kinda girl who NEEDED to be #1-- she was a winner, like Billy Mitchell. And if no woman had ever been able to keep Billy's attention before, she'd be the first. You might say that her PB would be the WR.
Sandra smirked. It wasn't a smirk as powerful as Billy's. It couldn't be. He was the World Champion, of course. But it was a smirk which would have struck fear into the hearts of any lower-tier women or femboys who dared to be in her--an A+ rank Combat Unit's presence without keeping their faces facing the ground where they belonged.
Billy noticed that smirk and knew that if anyone could defeat Da Speedrunaz, it'd be him, BUT, with Sandra as his #1 pawn. He smirked devilishly and it siphoned energy from Sandra's smirk and grew almost by 50%. He opened up his laptop and checked his Brave Rewards. He smirked again. Netflix was paid for this month. With the 50-inch he already owned? Hello, can you say movie nights for all the guys from the Fan Club Combat Unit, and maybe even a Rare Girl or two? The Diamond Donks were well on their way. Billy sent Sandra a text with her first mission:
Difficulty: 2 Stars
"What's with this n00b shit, Billy?" Sandra demanded.
"Every End has a Beginning, Sandra. Consider this the Beginning of the End. My Diamond Donks will bring about a new Age of Gaming that is gonna knock your socks off. Don't even worry about that. But we need more firepower--oh, look at that, it's midnight. My wallpaper changed. We need more firepower. There's 17 Captains, or "Capos" in Da Speedrunaz. I'd list all 17 for you right now, but that's not information that you're ready for yet--not by a long shot. We need a breaching specialist. A deal-maker. A tank. A seductress. A mage. Right now? It's just you, me, and my thousands of eager yet relatively useless cannon-fodder boomerclone shock troopers. Sure, we could take out, mmmm, say 12 of the 17 capos as we are now. But the losses on our side would be unacceptable. I can't let my people suffer, Sandra." Billy wiped a tear from his eye, and then a tear from Sandra's eye because she started crying too at seeing his passion.
"These fucking freaks have dragged my name through the mud," Billy growled suddenly, his cold tears turning into flaming-hot spicy salt powder and burning his cheeks. "They think that Donkey Kong is just a bunch of bits and boots, whooziwhatsits and numbers. Da Speedrunaz are unwilling to break through what they naively perceive to be the limits of what's humanly possible. 'Woooo derrrr we looked at da code, and it no-possible dat Billy get score! Da screen is wavy he was usin MANE DURRRRRR!!!' Ironic. These... let's call them 'people' for ease, they hunt glitches relentlessly inside their games of choice. What they don't realize is that this entire WORLD is a game. MY game. My enemies operate only at the tippy-tippy top of the iceberg of reality. They have no idea what really lies beneath..."
Billy Mitchell waved his arms in a magic circle, and slapped them into the ground. It crumbled beneath him, and a shining blackness pooled from the cracks.
"And what swims down here with us." Billy shoved his hand into the liquid abyss and pulled out the palest, most delicate arm anyone had ever seen.
"Is that..." Sandra gasped.
Billy Mitchell looked Sandra dead in the eye. He pushed the arm back in. "You're not ready to meet my benefactors yet. Just know that they're there. Never doubt me Sandra, it's a mistake that... well, let's just say, it's a mistake that you don't want to make."
Billy Mitchell threw Sandra a backpack with a medkit and some ammo. "Get going, Diamond Donk. And while you're gone, I'll hand-deliver your father one of these bad boys." He lit the Billy Mitchell Cigar. It reeked so good.
Sandra nodded, plugged in the local Merc Guild into her GPS, and headed out, wondering if she'd just almost seen an Atlantean. She shivered as she left. Billy noticed, as he noticed all things.
"Bravery Sandra," called Billy. "Use Brave. And start sending me BAT."
"SOMETIMES I GIVE MYSELF THE CREEPS / SOMETIMES MY MIND PLAYS TRICKS OoON ME!" Billy Mitchell sang as he shot up the hospital.
"IT ALL KEEPS ADDIN' UP! iiiiiii THINK IM CRACKING UuP!" roared his #2, a 33 year old Army veteran named Lance who hadn't tasted combat this juicy since his Desert Days. That was then, this was now. And these doctors and nurses and janitorial staff deserved it far more than the Muzzie civies he'd routinely been ordered by Uncle Shem to execute via drone / pistol / knife / BJJ.
The reason being? Well these weren't your average medical HEROES. These? Were ANTI-heroes. Speedrunaz in disguise, every last one of them. Billy knew the hospital was compromised from the beginning, but he hadn't expected the ENTIRE STAFF to be replaced by Speedrunaz gang members. Thankfully, the old Club members had been finding their way home to Billy's compound ever since he put out the bulletin. Lance was one of the first who showed up, just in time to accompany Billy on his mission to give Sandra's daddy a big fat healing cigar. Lance had a nose for disguise, and when he and Billy stepped one foot into the hospital, Lance's PTSD went off like it was the 4th of July seeing how pitiful these actors and actresses did their job.
Lance snapped a nurse's neck with a flex of his bicep. Billy, and a lot of people, liked to call Lance "Armstrong" even though that wasn't his last name because his arms were so juicy. He was all-natty, but you'd never believe it looking at him. Lance was the kinda beast man who could kill your average man like a frog tearing apart a spider. You'd struggle and struggle, your limbs desperately flailing, and Lance would just eat you. He'd eat you so effortlessly that you wouldn't even be able to say that your final moments were spent living, despite your best efforts. The second Armstrong got you in his strong arms you were dead and you knew it and so did anyone watching.
"Good work, Armstrong!" yelled Billy, running over and shooting another nurse in the head with his gold-plated Colt 1911, his magnificent long hair flowing through the pungent death-soaked air of the hallway.
The two cleared out the rest of the hospital back-to-back like they were in Army of Two, one of the best 3rd-person shooters ever made. The level of gun customization in that game was insane, and the shooting was beyond satisfying, just like it was now! Billy wasn't a vet like Armstrong (he didn't believe in the U.S. military and knew his talents would be wasted/used for Evil), but he did hold the World Record in Army of Two like he did in most games, so he delighted in what they were now experiencing with the same level of nostalgia that Armstrong had! Some of the Speedrunaz actors put up a helluva fight, but they never had a snowball's chance obviously. Even if Billy Mitchell had come alone, without his Legendary Soldier, these actors were all doomed. Billy had a cigar to deliver, and Billy always kept his word. Sandra's father Renaldo needed this smoke. And not just for Sandra's sake, but for his own--and by extension, for Billy's sake. And therefore the sake of us all.
"Billy, I'll watch the door. I know you'll have a lot to talk about with Renaldo. But please, just tell him... it's my honor to be here."
Billy nodded and put his hand on Armstrong's massive shoulder. "Tell him yourself, Lance. Come in with me."
Lance swallowed his fear and embarrassment and walked with Billy into the room of the man who'd turned the Billy Mitchell Fan Club into one of the most dangerous organizations on the planet.
Meanwhile, Sandra had just finished caving in the Guildmaster's skull with her pocketbrick for trying to rip her off. In his defense, he was merely charging her the standard price for recruiting men. But in HER defense, it WAS a big fat rip-off. Billy had paid her 100G in advance for this mission, and this fat bastard wanted 50 PER party member? are you kidding me right now? That's what she asked him. His answer signed his death warrant: "No, ma'am."
"I'm here as a representative of Billy Mitchell's Diamond Donks," Sandra announced, looking around the room. She wasn't as nervous as she perhaps should have been, locked in a room with the biggest, meanest, horniest young men that the Guild had to offer. But she knew that the mere mention of Billy's name would not only protect her, but DEMAND the service of all who heard it.
"Miss," spoke a 6'7 lanklet who must have been a hell of a kicker like Spike from Cowboy Bepop. "We gotta eat. We can't just work for nothin'. 50G's a fair price." Naturally, he DESPERATELY wanted to join up with Billy. But he was already underweight as he was. If he didn't get some yummy in his flat tummy at least a few days a week, he'd wither into that very same Nothingness that Billy was trying to save our world from.
"50G? In this economy?" laughed Sandra. "You know we're in a hyper-recession, don't you? Did you know that? Idk if you knew that? So what are you gonna do with 50G big guy? You gonna buy a game on Steam? Huh? You gonna buy a Steam game? Huh,huh? A little visual novel? Huh? You gonna get a hentai game and pay money to fap to some anime girls, you stupid idiot? Billy is offering you shelter from the coming storm..." She walked over to the lanklet and stared up at him. "Or would you rather be blown away?"
This was clearly not innuendo, but Lank got a boner anyway. Sandra noticed it and internally smirked because she knew she'd just saved at least 50G. He was hers now to do with as she pleased, and she'd use him until he was broken by time, physical stress, and the emotional abuse she'd level at him if he ever even slightly ticked her off or disobeyed her most trivial command. Sandra looked up at Lank with her big blue girl-eyes and Lank wanted more than anything to take her in his long arms and smooch her right then and there, with all the other guys watching jealously. Sandra went on with her pitch
"Billy Mitchell is going to rain down Hell on the entire Games Industry. It's gonna start with Da Speedrunaz and end who-knows-where. Jerusalem? Outer-space? Nintendo HQ? The sky's the limit with Billy Mitchell, you boys are smart enough to know that, I can tell by lookin' at ya. If you boys wanna keep earning Achievements, you'll do the right thing and join Billy's Diamond Donks. Otherwise... well..." Sandra pulled out the Glitch Bracelet Billy had hidden in her loadout. It was only a single-use item. But that single use was more than enough to BTFO this entire Guild building and everyone in it.
"Is that a..." gasped the lanklet, who by now was obviously the leader of the dozen or so Soldetors de Fortuna in the building.
"That's right. An Atlantean Epic-Tier item," she chucked it at the guy's face. He caught it. At the speed she threw it at? His Combat rank must have been at least an A. Maybe even an A+. Yes, Lank would be an excellent addition to the team.
"Is this what Billy's offering us? Atlantean tech?" asked Lank.
Sandra extended her hand, and the bracelet flew back into it. It was bound to HER account, no-one else could use it unless she agreed to a trade. "I already told you what Billy's offering you. This is what you'll be up against if you decide to reject his generosity."
Lank looked around at the other guys. Most of them nodded. One of them had pissed his pants--he'd make an excellent punching bag/relief boi for the stronger men.
"Well guys," asked Lank. "What say we?"
The lads began chanting. Low at first... Bi-lly... Bi-lly... Bi-lly... but their pitch flew up into inhuman shrieking as they became more excitedBI-LLY! BI-LLY! BI-LLY!!! AAAEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIii!
Sandra giggled cutely and texted Billy Mitchell.
"Recruited 19 able bodies," she said. "The have their own equipment too! Mostly big machetes and knives, but a few of them have guns. I'm not a gun nut like you are Billy so I have no idea what they are. I know you want to ask me what kind they are, so im telling you now that i dont know."
"Excellent Sandra, excellent!" replied Billy. "Bring them over to Collmao i almost said Comet Ping-Pong. Bring them over to Twin Galaxies. There's someone here that I think you'll want to see..."
Sandra's heart almost exploded thankfully it didnt "Wow... Dad..."
"And please just ask the guys what kind of guns they have, Sandra, it's very important that my logistics team be working with accurate information. Do it now please, cya soon." then he texted her again. "I'm really not goign to let you see your father until you get me that info, OK? let me know."
"Deathloop is already half-price," Billy noted, amused. He was browsing Steam in their armored troop transport as they drove to a Games Done Quick speedrunning event. There was a massive flat-screen ultra-wide ultra-16K ultraHDultra 3-monitor spread fastened to the wall behind the driver cabin so the Donkey Dogs could get their game on at a nice slow, normal pace. No speedrunning allowed.
"How can that be? It was Game of the Year, a perfect 10/10," questioned one of his Donkey Dogs, bemused.
Billy Mitchell hawked a fat loogie and rolled down the bulletproof window. He hesitated and stopped himself from spitting it into a homeless woman's face. He waited a few seconds before they drove by a homeless man, and he fired the wet tobasco load front and center--PFTOO!!--laying waste to the tramp's shirt and day. Later he knew that he'd return and apologize to the bum--but he had to set an example of constant sociopathic dominance for his men. They NEEDED a hero to look up to. A hero they knew wouldn't hesitate to spit in their face or push them into an oncoming train if he had no use for them. It's what kept the Donkey Dogs nevermind it's what kept the Diamond Kongs strong. They're the Diamond Kongs. ANd Billy's spit was his answer to a spit-worthy question.
"Diamond Kong HQ, how can I help you?" asked Billy Mitchell's secretary, Anna Kasparian.
"I need help!" cried a hysterical/typical woman over the phone. "My husband's gang of rough and tumble speedrunning bikers is going to try to take out Da Speedrunaz at their big charity event!
"Money laundering event," corrected Anna. "Well you're in luck. Billy Mitchell is already on his way over there to destroy the event and slaughter like pigs anyone inside. I'll tell him to spare your husband and his bois. What are their colours?"
"Sage," said the woman. "The color--"
"The color of wisdom," acknowledged Anna. "I can tell that your husband is a good, strong gamer. What got him mixed up in speedrunning? The stream money?"
The woman spat into the phone. "Yes," he said sadly, wiping off her chin. "After our second child, he started feeling the pressure from the ultra-recession. I wanted to help him pay the bills, I really did. But the only work available in our small town is either Instagram Fashion Entrepreneur or working as an Amazingon delivery driver, but they make you use your own car and we only have the one car, miss."
"I understand," spat Anna. "I'll tell you what. I can't make any promises. But Billy Mitchell might have some openings in his Diamond Kongs for some tough guys. And he pays a ton. Like more than you could even believe for the amount of work they do. Are your husband and his boys tough?"
Anna couldnt see it obviously, but the woman looked off into the distance and remembered all the times she'd seen her husband's gang tearing cars and mechs apart with their bare hands because they couldnt afford any tools.
"They're tough alright. So please tell Billy to spare them."
"No need," said Billy Mitchell who'd been listening to the call the entire time. "This speedrunning event will be their employment test. If they can sweep the event, 100% at at least +5minutes it'd take my Diamond Kongs, then I'll give them all full-time employment plus vision and dental."
"Wow!" cried the woman happily. "Thank you Billy Mitchell! ^_^ "
"Don't thank me yet," warned Billy. "Because if they fail... I'll have no choice but to, let's just say... withdraw my offer." He SLAPPED a big fat 300-round box magazine into his solid-gold AK-47. and put the phone right up to the gun as he pulled the charging handle so the wife / potential widow could hear the distinct CHKCHK.
"Do you catch my drift?" asked Billy, as he drifted into the entrance of the Event. He'd taken over as the driver because he always made sure his Kongs got their 2 15-minute breaks and hour lunch.
"I understand," sighed the woman sadly. She wished on a star that her husband and his FPS clan-turned speedrunning gang, "Fire Brigands" were fast enough to stick it to Da Speedrunaz on their OWN turf. But it didnt seem likely...
Billy Mitchell knew it wasn't likely. What he didn't tell the woman was that he planned on assisting her husband from the shadows as necessary in order to minimize the loss of human life. For he'd known her husband from their old Halo 2 days. Her husband? Was Dylan O'Sullivan, AKA Diesel, the biggest, fireiest ginger outside the WWE.
Naturally, a hot sauce connoisseur like Billy found a kindred spirit in O'Sullivan, and although the two didn't stay in touch after 342 Industries ruined Halo, forcing O'Sullivan to go to prison for intimidating/stalking/threatening every family member and family pet of every Microsoft employee--although the two of them didn't stay in touch after all that, Billy by no memes would ever harm a red hair on O'Sullivan's head.
"It'll be good to see you again, Diesel," Billy thought to himself as he choked out the girl at the ticket booth rendering her unconscious.
He could already hear gunfire and gamer slurs being yelled from the main hall. "Diamond Kongs... Let's get in there."
Billy Mitchell had to act fast. Of course... that's exactly what he's best at. THE best at. But what did he have to act fast for? Well, I'll tell you. Billy had to act fast in order to save the female members of Da Speedrunaz who would otherwise be slaughtered like pigs by Dylan "Diesel" O'Sullivan's Fire Brigands. As a sexist/misogynist/CHUD, nothing concerned Billy more than the safety of women. But after their Halo dayz, O'Sullivan had become a Male Feminist, and now not only had no problem killing women-- he DELIGHTED in it, because Facts and Logic dictated that women's lives were just as expendable as men's. No... even MORESO because of the historic marginalization of the act of doing Irish jigs on their sternums.
O'Sullivan was about to do just that, before his target--a young lass named Sinead--seemed to fly off into the darkness! In reality, of course, the lass had been lassoed by none-other than ARMSTRONG, who quietly brought her outside where the Diamond Kong medics were already tending to the wounded who Billy wanted to save.
"Not him," said Billy, turning away in disgust at some guy idc.
His Diamond Kong medic nodded and suffocated the unfortunate soul with a pillow.
Not all of those rescued were women. Just the overwhelming majority of them (6). 1 young man had a fire in his eye. A spicy flaming-hot fire that Billy knew all too well.
"I can tell by looking at you, that you're a winner like I am," Billy had said to him. And, naturally, Billy was right. For this young man had been none-other than Steven Clintson, a Mario 64 120-Star speedrunner. And not just any Mario 64 120-Star speedrunner, but THE current #2. The #1 had been killed in the massacre.
Billy looked at him sternly. "Don't let that news get to you, kid. As you know, a speedrunner's time doesn't die with him. Your rival won't be able to improve his time any more. But that doesn't mean YOU can slack off. You're still just #2. But I know, I know damn well, just by lookin at your battle-hardened, gaunt survivor face, that you won't settle for that. No... you're like me. You won't stop until you're #1."
Billy reached out his hand. "Become my Diamond Kong. And you won't just be #1 in Mario 64. You'll be #1 in LIFE."
Steven, or Steve if you prefer, was incapable of smiling due to his Streamer-PTSD, but he reached out his hand nonetheless in gratitude. Billy--unbroken, solid as stone, with an unwavering golden heart undiminished by his life of hardcore gaming--smiled broad enough for both of them.
a week later) O'Sullivan was being brainwashed into thinking that women should be protected. His brainwasher? None-other than his own wife, who'd joined up with the Diamond Kongs following the successful slaughter of Da Speedrunaz.
"Dylan..." Dylan's Wife said sadly, as she injected him with gamer fuel which would make him less rational and more susceptible to just the necessary amount of Science and Logic Denial required to be a good human being. "I know you're in their honey lmao dont worry i know i spelled it wrong"
Dylan smiled. "I recognize now that I was wrong. I shouldn't brutalize women to show how much I acknowledge that there are literally no noteworthy differences between them and myself. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, men and women aren't really identical are they..." He broke from his steel bonds effortlessly and embraced his wife. The healing process could begin for them both now. in their honey
Billy smiled warmly from the other side of the 2-way mirror. Everything was coming together. He now had Diesel, a tank. Armstrong for hot and heavy DPS. Sandra, to be the Healz/Support class, and perhaps bear his children. Certainly not least was Lank, whose real name had been forfeit upon his signing up. Lank? Lank was a Fighter. He never fought with weapons. No matter how much his comrades begged him, Lank would go in kickin' and come out kickin'. CQC, that was Lank's style. Or, CQB, if you prefer. Lank was perhaps the most talented martial artist in the Diamond Kongs. Even Armstrong couldn't get the better of him in the octagon. This made him IDEAL for missions requiring no loss of life.
"See... if I cannot direct this flame... it might just burn everything in its way," Lank sang angrily to himself. he was anger
"Heh, i know that feeling," said Billy Mitchell sitting down next to him. he appreciated Lank's flaming soul
Lank looked up at him. "i love Sandra," he said.
Billy smiled. Oh to be young again. "No Lank, you dont know what love is. Not yet. No, you wont know love until you're leading a militia 12-thousand men strong. When thousands of people rely on you for food, water, and Steam gift cards, that's when you'll know what it means to be a Father. A Husband. A Provider. A King. That's when you'll know what it means to love. The thirst you feel for my Future Bride, Mark, is not love. And she cannot satisfy it for you, even were I to allow it."
Lank was STUNNED that Billy had used his old name. But he didnt have time to remain stunned, because the Alarm Girl drop-kicked the door open and scampered inside.
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she hollered. "We're under attack! HEY! MAN YOUR BATTLESTATIONS! DA SPEEDRUNAZ ARE ATTACKING!!"
She slipped and slid as she turned back to go run into the next room.
Alarm Girl was the greatest investment imaginable. Instead of having stupid blaring sirens ruining everyone's mood, the cute and klutzy Alarm Girl ensured that everyone went into battle thinking "God she's so great. I'm ready for anything now."
Billy extended his hand. "Acknowledge me."
somehow it was both a command AND a request. Lank knew that by taking it, he'd be submitting himself and throwing away any chance of ever tasting Sandra's shining Burt's Bees covered lips. BUT he knew that Billy Mitchell DESERVED not just her, but HIM as well. Lank's life belonged to Billy and the cause now, and he felt fulfilled and home. this was for his own good.
"I thought we killed all Da Speedrunaz!" roared Diesel, hopping into his flamin' ginger-red anti-aircraft turret just outside of Donkey Base.
"Diamond Kongs!" announced Billy. "You should know better than to ever assume that the enemy's finished. Da Speedrunaz we destroyed last week had ALREADY made another YouTube video about me, and recruited thousands of impressionable young autistic men into their ranks. And now? Now, they're coming for our home. But!" Billy wagged his finger and smiled wryly. "That's just it. It's OUR HOME. And ARE WE GONNA LET 'EM TAKE IT FROM US?"
The Diamond Kongs-- all 5500 who were currently stationed at the base ROARED in answer: "NO WAY!!!!" Even the non-combat units were screaming with bloodlust!
"NOT ONE STREAMER GETS INSIIIIIIDE!! GO NOOOOOOW!! STAAAAAAATIOOOOOOOONS!!" Billy yelled and his Kongs scrambled like beautiful fire ants.
Billy Mitchell turned to Sandra, who, like every other woman in the base, was soaking wet after his speech. She desperately composed herself and her ears stopped ringing after about 20 seconds of not being able to hear anything that Billy was saying to her.
"...your father. And so come with me now Sandra. It's time that you knew the truth... about your bloodline..."
"They don't call him 'Legend' for nothing," whispered one of Billy's Diamond Kongs, as a small group of them watched a young Speedruna slicing through their comrades like a hot-sauce drenched flamberge through a sentient stick of butter in heat.
"Where's Billy!" cried another. "We need him NOW, more than EVER!"
Billy Mitchell was a man who thought he was a loner. But he knew it couldn't last. No. The world needed him too much. Billy Mitchell was the only truely independent human being God had ever created. He had no need of anyone for anything. Billy had no emotional needs. He was fueled by his own ambition to grow stronger. A true free-energy machine. Physical needs? Pah. Billy could pleasure himself so much better than a woman could that it was pathetic. Whenever Billy pitied a woman enough to sleep with her, he almost couldn't stop himself from laughing the entire time at how pathetic and weak they were. Oh, how they wriggled and writhed in Billy's massive rough hands. Billy also hunted. He could use his incredible speed to catch rabbits and small birds, without need for any traps. They, and rifles and other traditional hunting equipment, were a waste of time to Billy. Indeed, many animals would even throw themselves at Billy's feet, longing to be consumed by him and become a part of something greater than they could ever hope for in their small inconsequential lives. Billy pitied them even more than the women and often would feed even when he wasn't hungry. He refused to use a refrigerator of course. They're not hot.
"Apollo...." growled Billy, stepping into the fracas. He smiled broadly and popped a hot-sauce stim into his arm. "I'M BURNING UUUP!"
Apollo's blade sung sweet symphonies as it soared through the bodies of the Diamond Kongs. He danced like the most drop-dead gorgeous skinny long-legged Eastern European ballerina, his katana taking another new life, creating another angel, with every step he took. He hopped and skipped to meet Billy's challenge, knowing of course that it could only end one way.
Meanwhile, Sandra was reconnecting with her father, who was, of course, the King of Atlantis.
"Dad..." she said. "Does this mean we're not human?"
"No Sandra. All humans came from Atlanteans. We are the progenitors of humanity, the People of Eden. Billy Mitchell is the only human who is able to mate with our people because of his unique attributes and big cock. And since all of our people are frozen like in Zora's Domain, it's up to him and yourself to continue the Atlantean race."
"Yeah, wow. I'm going to teach you how to use your powers. Or... I was... until i was injured..."
"The VIRUS!" gasped Sandra.
"The virus!" coughed and confirmed King Renaldo. "I was infected by 3 of Da Speedrunaz top lieutenants... cough... heh, they knew they needed to bring the bing guns to get to me."
"MY LIEGE WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME GUARD YOU" roared Lance, barging into the room and bonking Sandra with the door.
"Lancealot, HOLD! HOOOOLD!" said Renaldo putting up his hand. "CAAAAAALM yourself boy! Whoa, WHOOOA!! ... If you'd been there that fateful day, when the Billy Mitchell Fan Club had fallen, you'd have been nothing but another corpse for pile. Da Speedrunaz weren't operating alone. Besides that... they'd brought the Legend with them..."
Lance gasped. "Apollo!" He turned and speedran out of the hospital wing of the Battleship Kong.
Apollo was the fastest human being who ever walked the Earth. But Billy didn't walk, he strode. Still, this was a war between two heroes, not mere men. And against, any mere man, Apollo would have rose Triumphant. But Billy Mitchell, especially with an arm pumping with hot sauce? He was something out of this world. And he had no limit.
The two traded blow after blow. But Billy was always faster. Always stronger. And, maybe worst of all... punching Billy Mitchell was like punching Donkey Kong himself. Meanwhile, a DEVASTATING left hook knocked Apollo off his feet. He managed to flip in the air and land on his sneakers.
"GOOD APOLLO, GOOD!!" laughed Billy. "IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE A MAN SURVIVED ONE OF MY BILLY MITCHELL SPECIALS!!" It'd been so long since a man survived one of his Billy Mitchell Specials. Of course, "survived" is a funny word. To be more specific, Apollo's internal organs were FUBAR. A surgeon wouldn't be able to tell his liver from his spleen at this point. Apollo was standing tall using nothing but sheer will. But though the spirit was willing, the body was weak. And they both knew it. Though, no onlooker could tell.
"Apollo..." muttered Billy. Billy Mitchell was like the shinigami. He could see just from looking at them, the time any person was going to die. He knew the fight was over. He tossed the kid the sword he'd so easily twisted from his hand earlier in the fight.
Apollo fell to his knees. He knew it was over too. He could hear the sea calling to him. No-one could defeat Billy Mitchell. He grasped his blade. It reflected the sun. So bright. So friggin hot.
Billy smiled and nodded. So friggin hot. The Billy Mitchell Hot Sauce entered his brain and he fell over backwards as Apollo thrust his katana into his own stomach.
they say that eternity isn't long enough to measure the power of Billy Mitchell. hard to disagree with them, whoever they are. sages. magi. angels. ...demons? whoever they were, they spoke the truth, and it was clear as crystal to anyone who encountered Billy Mitchell.
November 6th, 2020. The day hundreds of thousands of "glitches" and "oopsies" occurred all across the United States of Billy, causing Steven Clintson to suddenly and narrowly defeat Billy Mitchell in the Donkey Base election after all projections showed Billy winning. But Billy would have none of it. Neither would anyone else.
"Boss, i know SNN said that 'there's no evidence' of voter fraud, but seeing as how i keep seeing all of these compilations of evidence of voter fraud, i believe that they're merely ignoring it and pretending that it's not there!" said Lance. "The Media is the Enemy of the People, and filthy lying journalists should be slaughtered like pigs in the street! The entire country should run red with their reeking blood."
"You're of course right, Lance, my beloved #2," sighed Billy. "But I can't risk a war-- lol excuse me, obviously when i say 'risk' i simply mean that i cannot afford to spend resources that would be better spent elsewhere."
"Such as Atlantis?" asked Sandra, rubbing her preggo tummy.
Billy Mitchell looked up to the stars. "Such as Atlantis," he smirked.
Lance stomped his foot. "We've got enough problems down here already Boss. You really wanna acquire an entire whole 'nother planet?"
"We have no choice Lance," smirked Billy sagely. He spat on the ground... "If I kill Steven before we COLONIZE Mars, it'll spell the end of this planet. The war would be too damaging to the environment. I care so much about the environment Lance, as i know you do too.
Suddenly Billy turned to Sandra. "Sandra, i just got a great idea."
"All of your ideas are great Billy," smirked Sandra.
"Ha-HA! Yes yes of course. But this one in particular, im very proud of. Do you remember the area at the end of the "Crow's Nest" level in Halo 3, where the Pelican dropships were? The landing bay?"
"Of course Billy, how could I forget?" Geraldo--"He who rules by the spear"--kicked inside of her, eager to come out and Finish the Fight. Sandra smiled. Billy smiled too, he of course could feel the vibration in the air from his son's kick.
"Well, I--" Suddenly a call came in from everyone's Billyphone simultaneously.
"Billy!" screamed Steven. "Will you ADMIT DEFEAT?"
"No Steven," said Billy. "Literally everyone knows you didn't win fairly. The idea that you got more of the black vote than my stepfather before me, the first black president of Billymerica, is ludicious. You're a retard who can't even be allowed to speak on television unsupervised. You're half-dead for crying out loud!"
"Half dead!" shrieked Steven. "I'm in the prime of my life!"
"Oh?" asked Billy. He punched his palm, sending a powerful burst of kinetic hot sauce through the airwaves, and into Steven, who sat miles away at his HQ. If Steven had indeed been a physically fit young man, he would have had about a 90% chance of not even realizing he'd been affected, and a 99.9% chance of surviving even if he had. But because he was acktually a fat fuck in disguise, he immediately started coughing and wheezing.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO HEEEEEEEELP!" Steven cried. But no-one could help him because hospitals were OVERRUN. He'd have to wait for HOURS in the emergency room before they could get him into a bed and murder him with a ventillator.
"Now what Billy?" asked Geraldo telepathically. "Steven's Coal Kongs are going to want revenge for this. They won't rest until they get it."
"Be not afraid my son," Billy answered, patting Sandra's tummy and accidentally knocking her down with his great strength. "we'll be ascending soon." he pointed at the sea and looked sternly into the depths.
"ATLANTIIIIIIIS..." he growled. The ocean CHURNED and MOANED.
Billy flung his finger upward and pointed at the sky like Kamina from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann! "RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!!!!!!!!!"
The ocean EXPLODED, and a majestic White city rose like a rocket ship all around the Donkey Base, pushing it skyward with it!
BILLY MITCHELL HELD OUT HIS ARMS IN TRIUMPH. "TODAY... ATLANTIS RISES!!"
it was no surprise to anyone-- it aint no surprise still, to this very day-- that Billy Mitchell's domination of Mars was fast. We're talking FAST. sure, the Martians put up a valiant effort to protect their world from Billy. But what they didn't know was that their world was ALREADY his, by DIVINE RIGHT.
The ancient Atlantean kings had fled from Mars to form Atlantis on Earth. they did this... trhe reason why they did this was climate change.
but now the climate was just right, and the ancient rulers were returning to once again exploit the labor of the labor cattle class who'd been left behind to cope with the martian industrial smog. Donkey Base now rested at the center of Atlantis, which rested at the center of Mars City, not to be confused with Mars City from the best Doom game, Doom 3. The Martian women were no-longer pure like the Atlanteans, having been effed up by The Smog and stuff. But they were still hot. but still, only Billy Mitchell was capable of breeding with them, and he didnt feel like it. The Martian men however were not ALLOWED to mate anymore, and were all sent into the mines to mine ore to feed Billy's Big Machines (BBMs) AKA the Billy Mitchell Supercomputer Labyrinth Fortress or BMSLF, Billy Mitchell's fortress-city composed of computers and weapons and traps and construction equipment..., where he spent all his "thinking time" about 3 days a week, in order to be a thoughtful ruler. Inside the BMSLF lived the first true AI, who we may meet later. billy named it Torch because it helped to illuminate things for him, and because Billy Mitchell understands the power of Fire and also because its avatar was a hot girl. it was actually none-other than Alarm Girl, Billy Mitchell's only true love who he'd forced to mate with Lance AKA Lancelot because he knew that if she took Billy's seed it would kill her because Alarm Girl was actually part-Atlantean so she'd be able to have Billy's child, BUT it would kill her in the process because she wasn't a full-blooded Atlantean....
Billy was kicking back and relaxing with his waifu Sandra, real name Saraswati (note: this isn't an Indian name, Indians stole some names from ancient Atlanteans), and together they were also kicking back and relaxing with their newborn son, Geraldo Mitchell AKA Hero.
Hero was already solving college-level advanced math (or "maths" as the anglos call it) for big-brain smarties. and also he was telepathic. he was being trained by his mother, who had been trained by her father, King Renaldo, who was trained by Mysterious. It seemed like Hero would live up to not just his name, but his nickname as well, and solve all of the climate change issues that were going to cause Earth to be uninhabitable in 2 more weeks-- and this means that those loyal to Billy Mitchell on Earth could be saved! Bvt enough about that,let's party!
"WELLCOME!" roared Billy. "TO THE HOT SAUCE SOCIAL!!!!" he held out his arms and hot sauce erupted from the ground from giant sprinkler-systems. more like flood-systems though. because they didnt just sprinkle hot sauce, so why call them sprinklers? they GUSHED hot sauce in gorgeous silky spurts like long thicc volcanic cocks.
the crowd, 10 thousand veteran Diamond Kongs and their families lapped up the sauce like kittens in heat-- in more ways than 1!
everyone laughed and cheered and tears flowed from their gorgeous blue and green eyes as the hot sauce worked its magic on them. it was like a spice orgy from Dune, except hotter-- in more ways than 1!
"Billy, i need your helps!" gasped a old officer. Billy looked at him sternly. "Are you seriously interrupting the hot sauce social, asking me to do work?"
"Billy im sorry, but it's my son! he wants to be a speedrunner!"
everyone nearby gasped and stopped being happy. What??? Billy signaled to them to fuck off and continue having fun. he'd handle this.
Billy sighed and put on his robe and sandals. he grabbed his shepard staff. "Take me to him... Lancelot, you're in charge here, look after the revelers."
Lance nodded and looked on in awe as Billy was led away into the bowels of Donkey Base.
"fucking woooooowwww... chat pray to the RNG gods lol..... ok this is gonna PB, this is gonna PB........ FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS RNG!!!!....... OK...ok wait... wait...!!!!! ..... WE DID IT!!!!!! LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
"What are you talking about, child?" asked Billy Mitchell calmly. Of course he already knew that the young lad had been possessed by a demon (or, daemon if you prefer) which was compelling him to throw away his life and become obsessed with playing video games faster than other people. already, male pattern baldness was wreaking hAVOK on the poor boy's scalp, despite his long hair which he'd grown out to shoulder-length.
"now's a good time to read some donations... we've got $5000 from Totally-Legit: great to see so many people gathered to dab on cancer! Let's find the cure!"
Billy knew he had to act FAST... ironic... he walked over to teh boy's desk and leaped on top of it, stomping down on the landing like a White supremacist and cleaving the desk in twain!
along with the desk, the mechanical keyboard was also shattered, scattering the keys all over the place like love lost-- they would never be recovered. Billy picked up the dual monitors, gently placed them on the floor, and then jump-stomped them both with his feet.
suddenly, the posessesssessed lad snapped to, and saw what was happening! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MOOOOOODSSSSSSSSSSS HELP!!!!! MONKAS!!!!!!!!" he lunged at Billy, wicked-fast! the demon had emerged!
Billy humbled him, bonking him with his staff, and sending the boy to the ground sprawling. Billy mounted him and continued beating him up for some time. he'd learned how to exorcise demons from some traditional Catholic guy on twitter with an anime girl avatar. The results were what Billy, and much of the modern medical community, had been searching for for DECADES, ever since Scientists proved that Good and Evil don't exist.
Billy took out a ghost pepper and shoved it into the boy's mouth, forced him to chew, and put his hand over his mouth and blew into his nose, which is what he used to do to get his ex-girlfriend's pit bull to take his medicine. The ghost pepper wasnt your ordinary ghost pepper-hot enough, right? but it was IMBUED with an ACTUAL GHOST. the ghost of the boy's great-grandfather, who was a machinist and war veteran who died peacefully in his own bed surrounded by his waifu and half-dozen loving children.
the boy pissed his pants and had a seizure as the pepper worked its magic, but now... now he'd be OK. Billy Mitchell had triumphed once again. This time, over the Devil himself.
"it was good that you brought me when you did. another day and he would have joined Da Speedrunaz. then, i would have had to kill him instead of saving his soul."
"Billy thank you so much for saving my son, my precious baby boy!" cried the diamond kong father AKA Diamond Dad. "How can i ever repay you?"
Billy smirked. "You had a son, m8. You've already repaid me." He produced a rifle from his robe and tossed it at the convulsing lad on the floor. it smacked his shoulder and bounced off. Billy tossed a magazine at him too. "He reports for duty tomorrow. 0700 hours. be there or be square!"
Billy Mitchell turned around and got onto his vespa scooter. as he sped away, a voice-com came in from his Billyphone: "Billy... it's your son... he............. he's speedrunning."
Billy Mitchell did a wheelie and sped up by 1000 degrees. fire erupted from his mechanical steed as it transformed into a Mitchell Mecha... NEXT CHAPTER?: MECHA-MITCHELL!!!!
Unsurprisingly, Billy Mitchell's Mitchell Mecha (not to be confused with the not-yet-revealed Mecha Mitchell) was not fast enough for Billy. He leaped from it and ran on ahead, calling behind him: "I'M GOING ON AHEAD! MEET ME AT THE BILLY MITCHELL MASTER BEDROOM!!"
The vespa nodded. It was a little sad that it couldn't be fast enough for Billy's purposes, but it also understood that very few things in this world was, so it didn't feel too bad. It'd continue to do its best for Billy!
Billy shed a tear. He'd already, with his great intellect, figured out what must have happened to his son, his precious baby boy. Billy had kept the lad out of public schools, from the long-fingered grooming hands of public school teachers. So the interest in speedrunning must have come from "inside the house" you might say, right? Billy's tear, which was already evaporated in heat, had been shed at the thought of having to execute one of his own precious Diamond Kongs. One of his own precious children.
Billy ran so fast he broke a new World Record in sprinting! It was recorded in the Billy Mitchell Book of World Records which releases a hardcover version every year but is updated daily on the Net. The AI mommy/tomboy gf of Donkey Base, Torch, was always recording everyone's actions, always on the lookout for new PBs and new WRs.
"And you don't seem the lying kind. A shame that I can read your miIiiIind," BIlly sung to himself before Torch chirped in his ear.
"Billy! Billy! You've broken yet ANOTHER world record!" she cheered.
Billy Mitchell smiled and smirked. Of course he knew that he had, but he was happy to see Torch happy and he allowed her the belief that speed-related news could be broken to him. "That's great Torch, thanks for telling me!"
Billy Mitchell drop kicked the door to his rooms, casting it off of its hinges and into The Intruder. Billy knew that there must be an Intruder! And he was right!
"SAAAAARAAAA!!! WHERE ARE YOU???" roared Billy. Doing What Must Be Done
"Husband pls," said Sandra AKA Saraswatti AKA Sara now. She came out of the corner with Hero.
"Hmpf. Foolish father, look at who you've crushed," said Hero.
Billy did so. Why, it wasn't a Speedruna! It seemed to be a normal healthy adult male!
"Sir..." coughed the man. "I come here reptesenting Guinness World Records!"
"Those hacks?" laughed Billy. Billy Mitchell World Records had become the #1 recordkeeping organization in the world after Billy had EXPOSED Guinness as corrupt liars decades ago. Guinness had been barely surviving ever since.
"Sir I was sent here to apologize to you! And to pledge our loyalty to you!"
Billy frowned. "And what use is that to me? ME."
The Guinness rep struggled to his feet. "Ser, I have valuable information about an upcoming Speedrunning Event."
"And WHY was my SON speedrunning???" Billy spun around to face his wife and son.
Hero answered him. "Father, when this man told me about the Speedrunning Event, I decided to infiltrate it. I've already set the new World Record for Majora's Mask Any%."
Billy backhanded his son so hard the Earth screamed. "Don't you EVER talk like one of them, son. My precious baby boy."
Hero shed a single tear and nodded. "Nevertheless FATHER, you know that it's the right thing to do."
Billy thought about it. But his thoughts were interrupted by a giant robot shaped like a Billy Mitchell. It was Mecha Mitchell!
"Billy," said Torch sweetly--her voice was like honey dipped in romance. "I've finished your Mecha Mitchell. It's like a gundam and also a ZOID because it can turn into a giant ape as well."
"Torch it's beautiful!" gasped Billy admiring it. It looked just like him, except even Whiter and made of steel.
He turned to his son. "Son, I don't want you speedrunning anymore, you hear me? I'm going to take down this speedrunning event SOLO." He hopped into the Mecha Mitchell. SOLO!!!! Wait, not solo?! because
"LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo!" roared The Guinness Rep who was now an HONORARY Aryan and Diamond KONG! He clung on to the Mecha Mitchell with a magnetic hook.
"Happy to have you on board bro, what's your name bro?" laughed Billy Mitchell.
"Ha ha, happy to be here sir my name's ... Myst."
"MIST HUH? LOL SOUNDS LIKE A CUTE GIRL'S NAME, BUT I'M GLAD TO HAVE YOU WITH ME ON THIS MISSION. YOU KNOW, MISTY WAS ALWAYS MY FAVORITE POKE GIRL." Billy loudly spoke as they started flying through the air.
"I'm more of a Dawn kind of guy myself, sir!" said Myst. What he didn't tell Billy was that Myst actually WAS a cute girl's name-- his daughter's. But this Myst wasn't actually Myst at all but MYSTERIOUS, the Mysterious man who'd once taught King Renaldo i cant beleive im writing thi.. he'd once taught KING RENALDO how to use his telekinetic powers!
Where did Mysterious come from? And what are his plans?! All will be revealed.
"We did it!!!" laughed Billy as he did an Irish jig on the corpses of 15 Speedrunaz. The Games Done Quick Money Interplanetary Money Laundering Scheme had taken a SERIOUS blow this day! Dead serious!
"No Billy, YOU did it," said Myst AKA Mysterious. He pulled off his mustache.
"Wait a minute!" gasped Billy. "You-- you're--"
"Yes Billy, I am you. From the future. I'm sorry that I lied to you. My name is not Myst, it is actually Mysterious. But actually it's not even that, that was merely the alias I was known as to your father-in-law..."
"Why so mysterious, Billy?"
"I couldn't let the Atlanteans know that I was actually a True Atlantean all along... otherwise they might have killed King Renaldo and installed me as the king against my will. I couldn't let that happen. Both because I love Renaldo like mine own father and because I love my FREEDOM!"
Future Billy did a fantastic 360 spin with a high-jump at the end! He punched the sky with joy!
"LOOK, BILLY!" cried Future Billy. "The sky! The sky is CRYING! It's crying for YOU!"
indeed! The tears of the goddesses poured forth-- delicious smog-free vino from the heavens, all thanks to Billy Mitchell's anti-pollution campaign!
"You did this Billy. YOU did," said Mysterious proudly.
"But YOU are ME, so that means YOU did it as well! And since there are more than one of us, that means WE did it!" explained Billy mathematically.
"Interesting interesting lol" said Mysterious. "It's been so long since I've had to use math... in the future, we no-longer have to use math because we harness the Sun's energy directly into our skin like plants and it allows us to fashion weapons and equipment and anything we want from our flesh like 3D printing."
"HUMAN 3D PRINTERS?!" gasped Billy.
"ATLANTEAN 3D printers Billy, don't act so surprised! You knew this would be the ultimate conclusion to Space-Libertarianism, did you not?"
Billy nodded and took out the Gadsden flag he kept in his back pocket. He opened it up and started waving it around and started howling.
Mysterious smiled and nodded. "Good Billy. You remember. Our sacred pact. To the Atlantean-Libertarian Lasting Alliance House, ALLAH!"
Billy nodded again, and put the flag away. "So do you believe that the Jihad is underway--[author's note: i just caught myself beginning to rip off the entire plot of Dune lmao]
"Yes Billy, I do believe so. That's why I'm revealing myself to you now. Da Speedrunaz, of course, have no respect for the ancient traditions of gamers, such as "not tearing apart a game's code to look for retarded exploits that would allow you to get to the end screen more quickly than intended and pretending that this is a sport like soccer or fencing or even chess"
Billy smirked. "That's why I've been hunting them down."
Mysterious reverse-smirked(frowned)--"It wasn't enough Billy. The Hunter Biden's laptop now becomes the Hunted. Do you understand what this means? They've found EXPLOITS in their recruiting process! Allowing them to speedrun the creation of their army. Earth is as good as dead. Da Speedrunaz are converting more and more autistic bois to their sick sicko freak ranks. They're gunnin' FOR YOU, BILLY! All because of the lies about you faking your records! Your precious city of Atlantis here, formerly Mars City, is going to be attacked by uh... one MILLION Speedrunaz. Of sure, you killed a dozen or so today! Oh sure, you could EASILY kill hundreds of them by yourself. But what about ONE MILLION of them?"
"My Diamond Kongs..."
"I know you better than that, Billy. I know US better than that. That's why I'm from the future. Because I traveled forward in time to try to find a method of doing this all SOLO so we wouldn't have to risk the lives of our men. Our precious men."
Billy nodded. That sounded like him. "So what did you find?"
"It's impossible, Billy. I've gone forward hundreds of years and still not found a reliable way of destroying their army without utilizing our own!"
"I don't believe you."
"Heh you're right not to. Because I DID find ONE way-- but it means swallowing your pride!"
"I had a feeling you might say that. So instead of swallowing your pride, CHEW ON THIS! You might not be able to kill 1 million "people" by yourself, but YOUR SON CAN!!!!"
"Hero?" gasped Billy.
"Hero!" his telekinetic powers have EVOLVED since originating with King Renaldo's ancestors! And since everyone knows that evolution means 'just gets objectively superior in every way no matter what', I believe he can use his telekinesis to kill ONE MILLION Speedrunaz in a single stroke!"
"I'll need to train him. But I can't do that yet because he's just a boy. Your precious baby boy. The training would destroy his body. We need to wait until he gets older!"
"But what about the jihad? Won't Da Speedrunaz be coming for us?"
"INDEED Billy! We'll need to cloak Atlantis in a cloak of invisibility to hide away from the world until your son is ready to receive his training!"
"How long?" asked Billy.
"If he speedruns his youth... hmmm... TEN YEARS!"
"BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PEOPLE LEFT TRAPPED ON EARTH?!" yelled Billy slamming his fist on a corpse's skull, shattering it.
The year was 2027A.B. (After Billy).
The Billy Mitchell Fan Club: Earth Chapter had been separated from the Billy for 7 long years.
Luke Stonewall was the unofficial leader of the Billy Mitchell Fan Club: Earth Chapter. Because the Club had not been able to get into contact with Billy for these 7 long years, Luke hadn't been officially sworn in after the previous leader, "Big" Benjamin Lafferty, had lunged onto a Speedrunaz grenade to save a group of Mitchell Illustrated swimsuit models. Stonewall had been there that terrible day applying for membership to the Club, and tore Da Speedrunaz limb from limb with his bare hands, which were actually claws.
Luke Stonewall was a werewolf. The first to ever be accepted into the Billy Mitchell Fan Club, though many had applied throughout the years. Typically the Club did not accept non-humans, but the argument was made that Luke is human for most of the time, and plus, he'd demonstrated extreme love and respect for the club by slaughtering Da Speedrunaz whomeste had killed Big Ben. I this is so stupid Luke Stonewall still faced a lot of Prejudice, but his Pride helped him deal with it. And thank goodness for that! Because Luke Stonewall was the glue keeping the Club together for these 7 long years. Not ONLY was he a powerful sprinter, he ALSO was a very competent boxer. And with his superhuman strength, what that translated into was a lot of Speedrunaz head popping off their shoulders like dandelion buds, and their blood and viscera flying through the air like dandelion seeds, before their bodies crumpled like disposed-of dandelion stems, and the ref raised Luke's hand high. Luke Stonewall had NEVER lost a boxing match. not even close.
If Billy HAD been able to meet up with his Fan Club: Earth Chapter--his beloved men-- he'd NO DOUBT, *PERSONALLY* elevate Luke from Club Member to Club Local Leader (CLL). And everyone knew it.
But Billy wasn't here. It was up to us Earthlings to do our best without Him and pray each day and night for his return. He i need a drink, my neck is killing me. im so stressed out right now. the reason im stressed out right now is because im about to reveal to you the GENESIS of what would become the most deadly military organization on Earth since the Billy Mitchell Fan Club-- but they weren't always the good guys, like the Billy Mitchell Fan CLub, or the U.S. Army!! Sometimes they had to do bad things, BLACK OPS. DARK OPS. SECRET OPS. GHOST OPS. Sometimes it meant innocent people being hurt... even killed... but it had to be done for the Greater Good (GG EZ).
"The Billy Mitchell Earth Resistance?" asked Swimsuit Model #6.
"The Billy Mitchell Earth Resistance," Luke Stonewall spoke plainly. "And I need you and the rest of the girls Big Ben Lafferty saved that day to help me breed an army of Mitchell Minutemen.
"I'll do it." She lunged onto Luke's bed.
"Not yet. I dont think we should do it now. If we wait until the moon is ful-- oh nolmao ok whatever IF WE WAIT UNTIL THE MOON IS FULL, and I impregnate you in my wolf form, the Mitchell Minutemen will be born as HALF-WEREWOLVES. BEAST MEN.
"Like Billy himself," gasped Swimsuit Model #6.
"Heh, nowhere near as powerful, but perhaps a worthy army for him nonetheless."
"Why are you doing this Luke? Why won't you just stay and lead the Club?"
"Because I can see what must be done. (terrorism lol) And I don't want the Club to be seen as a terrorist organization."
"But won't the Billy Mitchell Earth Resistance be associated with the Billy Mitchell Fan Club: Earth Chapter?
"Of course it WOULD be, but my army's name will never be spoken in public. No-one will ever even know that we exist. Oh sure, they might suspect that it's the Billy Mitchell Fan Club that's responsible for the Anti-Billy Mitchell rallies being attacked... but without any Evidence, the Atheist Earth Government will be unable to act."
"And how are you planning on not leaving behind any evidence?" demanded Swimsuit Model #6, who LOVED TRUE CRIME and knew that evidence was ALWAYS left behind, no matter how small and seemingly inconsequential until in the hands of Detectives like the guy from Heavy Rain on the PS3.
"Dont worry about Heavy Rain detectives," said Luke reading her female mind like a picture book. "I'm not. The Resistance will be nomadic. We'll never be in the same place for more than a few dsays. Even if they figure out who we are, they'll never be able to catch us."
"Ok, that's cool."
next time... DOING WHAT MUST BE DONE!!
"I'LL WAIT HERE... YOU'RE CRAZY..." Billy Mitchell sang as he shattered a New York Times writer's head like a wine bottle flung against concrete, which is what all of them deserve in real life!
"THOSE VICIOUS STREETS ARE FILLED WITH STRAYS" answered Lancelot AKA Lance as he stabbed his hand through one's stomach like Dr. Gero did to Yamcha(wiwaotdirl)..... "YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER GONE TO HOLLYWOOD!"
"Excellent song, Lance! Excellent ALBUM!" laughed Billy, tossing another corpse on the pile. The two had done it. After 10 LONG! YEARS! separated from the Precious Men of the Billy Mitchell Fan Club: Earth Chapter, Billy Mitchell and his Diamond Kongs had FINALLY returned to Earth and initiated the long-prophesized Day of the Brick!
For 10 long years, Da Speedrunaz had been using their influence with the Incestuous Mainstream Media Hydra to SLANDER Billy's sterling name! Even though Luke Stonewall had successfully left no clues after killing hundreds of Speedrunaz and Speedrunaz Allies(SAs) over the the years with nail bombs and exploding xbox controllers, that didn't stop those lying rats from blaming it all on the Billy Mitchell Fan Club: Earth Chapter!
Truth be told, even though the Billy Mitchell Fan Club: Earth Chapter openly endorsed thlmao openly endorsed the acts of terrorism against Da Speedrunaz, it wouldn't matter if they didn't! Luke Stonewall had gone MAD with bloodlust. No-one could stop him, even if anyone important wanted to! Only Billy himself could stop Luke from slaughtering Speedrunaz like smirking fish that look like Ethan Klein in a barrel! And how could look Billy focus on preventing unnecessary deaths... when there was no such thing?
For like Jesus Christ the Messiah, Billy had not come to bring peace, but a sword.
That sword? Billy's own son, Geraldo AKA Hero Mitchell. Billy of course was the ORIGINAL Hero Mitchell, but Hero had been named such in order that he might rise to the heroic level of his father--which after 10 long years of being trained by Mysterious AKA Future-Billy Mitchell--he HAD.
Hero was now capable of bending reality itself with his mind. Hero could make the impossible... possible. It was just that simple. He could even make a liberal female comedianne SQUIRT!!! While mansplaining statistics to her!! All with the power of his great Atlantean mind.
"THIS IS MY FRONT PAGE, THIS IS MY NEW AGE! ~ aAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa
The fattest rat still has a certain nobility to it-- perhaps because of the shape of its head/snout. It retains a kind of aerodynamic *overall* shape, even if its engorged from eating trash.
Ethan Klein has no such grace. It's unfair to compare him to even the foulest rodent. When I tried it, I realized it wasn't right. It's not something that looks like it belongs in nature. Perhaps it's evidence that Capitalism really has failed.
NEXT CHAPTER!... MYSTERIOUS'S PLOT!
"This world is coming to an end. A speedy end," said Alexander Quickness.
i just now realized when i was writing this that i dont know any speedrunners lmao. it's such a huge thing, there's so many of them, that there's no single one that a normal person--like me--would know. sure, i knew about Apollo Legend, but that's just because he offed himself. Fine, I know Clint Stevens, but, come onlmao So ALEXANDER QUICKNESS is now the official BOSS of Da Speedrunaz.
"Not so fast!" said Steven Clintson! What?! i thought he'd turned against Billy! But he hadn't, all along! He was only pretending to lure Da Speedrunaz into a false sense of security! He'd been waiting These 10 Long Years just for this moment! Steven AKA Steve lunged at Alexander Quickness, who was about to activate teh nukes to blow up the planet so that Billy Mitchell couldnt take it over.
But sadly, Quickness was too quick, and he stabbed Steven through the heart with a length of electric copper wire that was like a stingray's barb!
oh no! But not just yet! Because Mysterious had a plan to make Steve's failed assassination attempt actually a success after all! He used his time-trav ... i think this story is going to be ending soon, i cant go on much longer like this. maybe im just having a bad day, but man oh man is this retarded.
Mysterious used his powers to go back in time and planted a bomb inside of Steve's stom--... stomach. he didn't warn Steven because he knew that Steven was planning on committing suicide anyway because he was still in love with Billy Mitchell's wife Sandra. So it all worked out. Win-win!
"BOOM!" roared the bomb that blew up Da Speedrunaz HQ, destroying Alexander Quickness!
All across the planet, Da Speedrunaz SCATTERED like cockroaches under a flashlight! Their leader, the second-fastest man in the West, had been slain! Not only that, but Billy and Lancelot had successfully crippled their propaganda arms in The New York Times, Huffington Post, CNN, The Washington Post, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. (And FOX NEWS TOO, DONT WORRY WE DIDNT FORGET THEY'RE BAD TOO DONT WORRY!!!!!!) In a few short months, Billy had made journalists afraid of lying! Incredible work, Billy! As per usual of course, what else could be expected?
Well, did you expect this?: Billy Mitchell commanded his son then to use his telekinesis to force the remaining Speedrunaz--perhaps still 1 million strong--to KILL THEMSELVES. JEEZE! Harsh, much?!
"No," responded Billy. "It's harsh BUT FAIR. If we don't stomp them out-- this infestation, it will grow back up to the dangerous size it was before Steven heroically blew up their HQ with his tummy bomb!
"You're right... father... fater... i know you are right..." replied Hero. "But instead of killing them... what if we used science and reason to convince them to stop speedrunning?"
"It'll never work, son," replied Billy Mitchell. "And how can you blame them? They see a man like me... me. A natural born Gamer. And they want to be like me. Not just 'good' at video games. Not even 'great' at video games. But PERFECT at video games. No... and of course even if you destroy Da Speedrunaz now... they'll... they'll just come back... perhaps in an even more hideous form... no... as long as I'm alive, people will aim to be like me. Mere mortals. And it will drive them to drastic, insane, lengths such as speedrunning." Billy looked over at Mysterious, who nodded knowingly.
Hero wept, because he knew that Billy Mitchell was going to fly into the Sun and become the new Sun.
And that's exactly what Billy Mitchell did.
NEXT TIME: The Legacy of Billy Mitchell
When the Perfect Pac-Man became the New Sun, the Earth was almost destroyed by the heat. Sages say that the tears of men exposed to Billy's Sun were like hotsauce. Every woman in the world sweated off 20lbs. Many climate change doomsayers were very smug! But Billy eased up on us... and left us changed. Better.
It was a Golden Age under Billy. Average IQ was up 10 points. Average height? 6 inches. Everyone was gorgeous and smart.
Da Speedrunaz who were not too far gone found themselves miraculously healed. The ones who were too far gone merely turned to dust under Billy. No-one would ever again pretend that getting to the end screen of a game as quickly as possible was a worthwhile endeavor. Video games were finally considered by most of the world to be ART, after a video game biography of Billy Mitchell was created-- by none other than the young boy Billy had saved from becoming a speedrunner during the hot sauce social! Praised by critics (and more importantly, average gamers like you and I) as the best RPG story since Final Fantasy X, "Bill of the New Sun" was a 90 hour journey minimum, filled to the brim with exciting side quests, each as or more interesting than other games' main quests! There was never a dull moment, and the exploration was INSANE-- there were things even the developers themselves didn't know were in the game, because it was passed around to different people who the boy (Whose name was Satoshi) trusted to put cool and interesting stuff in! Now THIS was a game that no-one in their right mind would even WANT to speedrun!... ...right?
Hero Mitchell became a pro gamer just like his father. And just like his father, he set countless records. Many debates were had over who was a better gamer--he or his father! He married a big tiddy tomboy Diamond Kong soldiergirl, and continued the Mitchell clan, which would be forever strong. Though he had no aspirations to rule himself!
The Billy Mitchell Fan Club becamse the new World Government, with the first President-King being none-other than Billy Mitchell's beloved friend LANCELOT, who, at the end of his own life, desired not to break the heart of his beloved, immortal Alarm Girl, and their Alarm Child by leaving them-- and so he used the power of the Atlanteans taught to him by Sara's father Renaldo, to travel to another dimension to find an elixir of life. There he would meet King Artur, and delight him with wild tales of Billy Mitchell! Thanks to his fellow knight Sir Galahad finding the Holy Grail--which turned water into an elixir of life, Lance was able to return with renewed, eternal life to his Alarm Family in what seemed like seconds to them, but to him was another lifetime.
Sara, with her Atlantean blood, remained sexy forever like an Elf. She never stopped loving Billy, and one day, when she'd finally grown tired of the world and its woes, she took off from Mars City and flew into Billy's loving, hot embrace.
And everyone lived happily ever after, forever under the fiery strength of Billy Mitchell.