Chapter 1: The TROLL
Many moons ago, there was a great and powerful werewolf who stalked the Rhodesian countryside.
A noble man befriended him, for they both loved poetry and sport.
But along came the TROLL, the bastard! Such a fiend there's never been!
"LOL u two are gay with each other?" it said, on their facebook-accounts, commenting on a picture of them broing out eating weiners at a ball park.
the nobleman and the werewolf agreed to find his IP-address and kill him.
Using their Firefox web browsers, the two coo-ordinated a trace... the results were swift and effective, to say the least.
a dozen vampires, hired with the nobleman's Bitcoin, and two-dozen wolves, who were friends of the werewolf, converged on the TROLL's house.
"oh no! im sorry!" he typed furiously. But it was too late to beg for mercy. He should have thought about the potential consequences of his actions before he was rude on the Internet.
the vampires deployed a battering ram and executed a tactical breach of his kitchen. the troll's girlfriend was arrested on suspicion.
"I didn't do anything wrong!" she pleaded.
(transylvanian accent) "We can't be sure of that, so you're under arrest!" said Staff Sergeant Ivan. He cuffed her.
the wolves were less tactical, but just as effective you might say. They pounced through all the windows. The troll's dog fought bravely, but was no match for them. Thankfully for it, the wolves were ordered not to kill, and so the dog was spared and recruited.
"You've got spirit, kid," said the Wolf Captain Growlson. "How'd you like to join us?"
"I don't want to abandon my master, but I am also a pragmatic dog who values his own life," said the dog. "I'll do what I must."
"Salary starts at 100K a year," smirked Growlson, "Welcome aboard, here's your taser."
Last, but certainly not least, was the troll himself... the slipery bastard had already deployed his escape balloon and was climbing the rope to safey. the chief vampire, codenamed COUNTDOWN, tried flying at him, but it was too late.
The troll had entered Neo-Chinese airspace, and there wasn't a dang thing Countdown could do to stop him from escaping... For now...
Countdown took out a megaphone and vowed to the troll that he WOULD bring him to justice even if it killed him. He, an Immortal Vampire (pronounced vamp-eer)!
the Troll took out his own megaphone and retorted...
"YOURE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"
This wasn't over... not by a long shot...
Chapter 2: The Future is Now Almost
The Year was 2025... coming soon, to a city near you...
A highly sophisticated race of socialist/communist/fascist/centrist(depending on your definition!!! :) ) alien god-men descended from the stars to greet humanity.
"We will make you live forever!" they said, grinning wildly.
"YAAAAAAY!" Reddit cried, and Neil deGrasse Tyson was IMMEDIATELY elected Ambassador of Humanity. He left with the aliens to visit their home planet, H-377, (affectionately nicknamed "Big Chungus" by the always-online community!)
When Neil returned, he reported that the alien world was so large that Earth-- little babydick earth-- could no-longer be considered a planet! It was too small!!
"Earth is no-longer a planet," he announced scientifically. The world ROARED with applause!
"Truly... we are insignificant..." whispered Rachel Starstuff, the head mod of r/science. Everyone was huddled around Rachel's TV watching Neil's speech like it was the hoax Moon landing. Everyone was smiling so happily. FINALLY, proof that the Universe has no meaning!
"Like the great Neil before me, I, another great Neil am bringing humanity one more giant leap forward," said Neil.
"Humanity has been given a great gift!" cried Neil. "But how can we repay them!?"
The answer ended up being organ harvesting, to no-one's surprise except Redditors. Keeping people alive in Food-Porn-Vats, having organs removed, and then regrown to be harvested again using CDC-approved science juice.
Because Earth no-longer self-identified as a planet, the local flora and fauna (including humans) had no rights because the Alien Governments had really big guns. Oh, we're living forever all right... just... not the way we thought...
The cyberpunk future we were hoping for has been torn away from us. You wanted a robot girlfriend? I hope you'll settle for a robot kidney-remover. We desperately claw for the time when hacktivists could still save us from government rainwater-collection stormtroopers (2024).
Now... heh, rainwater seems like a luxury... unless, that is... you're living in Rhodesia... where crypto-trillionaires run the show with their vampire-militias and talking werewolves.
But they cant save us now. No... humanity has only one potential saviour left...
Neo-China. The last Free Nation on Earth.
Bigman Zhang-Bang, the sigma male Neo-Chinese arms dealer, had acquired the only nuclear weapon that's ever existed in all of human history.
He held the aliens at metaphorical gunpoint (nuke-point).
"You stop ensraving humanity!" Bang said, with his thick chinese accent. He brandished the nuke-trigger which would OBLITERATE the alien ship like an Olympic weightlifter flinging a wine bottle by its neck against a brick wall.
"We don't want to fight you, Zhang-Bang," said the Aliens, whose race was called the Kaal.
"You no have choice!" said Bang, and he dropped his nuke-trigger and took a piece of bamboo and started beating the shit out of them. Then he picked up the trigger and prepared to send their ship back to H-377.
"NOOOOOOOo!!!" screamed Rachel Starstuff, nicking Bigman Zhang-Bang in the balls from behind. He fell like the hero that he was, causing an earthquake.
"Thank you Rachel Starstuff, you saved us! And you saved the entire future!" smirked the Aliens.
This is where our story ends... Earth has fallen into a perpetual state of skirmishes with the Aliens, who built a space-elevator into space, and disarmed the Chinese nuke.
Every day is a fight for our lives. But not all is hopeless.
"Yes is is lmao, you're so gay," said the TROLL.
Chapter 3: A Farewell to Legs
When Bigman Zhang-Bang fell, his body was taken to the Kaal organ-harvesters. The Kaal organ-harvester engineers were all female because organ-harvesting is a rough and dirty job, which men just aren't equipped to handle.
One of the organ-harvesters was a young Kaal named Talli. She took pity on Zhang-Bang because Sigma Males are irresistible to women.
"Zhang-Bang," she whispered. "Zhang-Bang, are you awake?"
He was. He had completed his mandatory 3rd masturbation session inside his Vat, but he'd been kept awake by his anger at being attacked by Rachel Starstuff--who had been elected the 2nd-ever female president of Neo-America. He couldn't sleep until he'd gotten his revenge.
"I awake," he growled. "What you want? Another spleen?"
"No Zhang-Bang, I want to help you," she said. "But the organ-harvesters can't be--"
"I aready know, stupid woman," said Zhang-Bang. "The Vats no open untir quota met. What you think I working on now?"
With that, Zhang-Bang erupted from the Vat-- or at least, his upper-body did.
Using his incredible Neo-Chinese know-how, Zhang-Bang had tricked the organ-removal robots into taking his legs instead of his liver-- filling his quota a full MONTH in advance!
"Now I go get my revenge!" Bang announced proudly, and he started pulling himself away.
"No Zhang-Bang, you'll never get past the werewolf guards!" said Talli. "You'll need these robot legs!"
Talli equipped Zhang-Bang with robot legs. "Perfect," she said happily. "Zhang-Bang, you'll come back for me, won't you?"
But Bang had already left, and with no intention of ever returning. Because he was traveling into the filthy stinking maw of Neo-America for the sake of justice.
Rachel Starstuff went on r/advice for advice when she found out the most dangerous man in the world was coming for her.
"Just get your Secret Service to kill him," suggested one user.
"I can't, they've already been wiped out by bitcoin vampires," said Rachel Starstuff.
"Then you have no choice but to hire me," said the Troll. "I'll take out Zhang-Bang before you can count to 50 you dumb bitch."
"Do it then!" hissed Starstuff and she typed it too.
"There's just a matter of my payment. I need you to get my girlfriend released from this is so fucking stupid Ineeed you to get my girlfriend released from Troll Prison in Rhodesia!!!"
"So be it," said Rachel Starstuff. "But if Zhang-Bang isn't dead in 24 hours, then you AND your girlfriend are going to prison!"
"No problem," lied the Troll, because he intended to just leave the country. "The next time I post, Zhang-Bang will be nothing but a memory!"
Chapter 4: The Final Samurai of the Near-Future
Thankfully, Bigman Zhang Bang was saved from the troll, and by none-other than HIMSELF?!
"Bastard!" spat the troll, who'd been trying to sneak up on Bang, only to be thwarted by Bang turning around at the last second. "How are you able to hear my Silentstep Quiet Shoes? I built them myself from science foam."
Zhang Bang glared at him. "ANd you woud have gotten away with it, too. But my sense of smerr has been trained to superhuman revers, and i smerred the science foam."
The troll recoiled in fear. He knew what this meant.
"T-the only people with sense of smell that good are--"
Bang smirked. "Exacry... the samurai."
a horse neighed and the troll turned around in utter horror. it was two samurai on horses, looking exceptionally stern.
they dismounted and i cant keep typing these freaking paragraph-breaks, 1 sec...
testing... good, ok
the samurai walked over to the troll, who was now on his knees, weeping like a hysterical woman. how pathetic, heh.
"Troll," said the first samurai who had severus snape's haircut, but he was japanese. "you plague this world for too long."
"YOU'RE GAY!!!!!" the troll screamed desperately, trying to fling a throwing knife at the samurai master.
"No," said the samurai master. "YOU'RE gay." he deflected the throwing knife(also called a "kohai")at the knife i mean he deflected the throwing knife, and it flew back at the troll and landed in his shoulder. The samurai turned around and sheathed his katana.
when he sheathed his katana, the knife exploded! tearing the troll's arm off!
even Zhang Bang was startled! "Ninjutsu!" he said. "You... you are a ninja?"
"No," said the samurai master. "YOU'RE a ninja."
it was true. Zhang Bang had, during a business venture, traveled to Ninja Island in Japan in the Ohio Providence, and learned there how to kill with stealth. But Zhang Bang preferred to do things loudly, and so he had abandoned the teachings of the ninja, and his old master Yukimoto-Sensei.
"How you know that?" asked Zhang.
"because," explain samruai, "i used my Way of the Samurai: Enduring Adaptation Technique to temporarily copy any nearby-ninja techniques. I knew the Exploding Shuriken Style: Kunai Variance Technique could have only come from you, because trolls are forbidden from learning the Ways of the Ninja."
zhang bang asked the burning question: "who are you?"
"Call me..."
meanwhile, while i am stalling to come up with a name, the other samurai strolled over.
he bowed respectfully to zhang bang. "i am also a ninja" he said. "but my master thinks ninjas are cringe."
Master Makina, which is the name ive decided on cringed and glared at his student.
"ninjas are most dishonroroabr" he said. he turned to zhang bang. "this is my protege, Kevin."
"please call me Kevinmaru," smirked Kevinmaru.
"AND I" boomed their servant, who was tending their horses, "AM CALLED BRASSIERE, BECAUSE A GREAT FIRE IS CONTAINED WITHIN ME."
"ok brassiere cool, nice to meet you," said Zhang Bang. "Risten now, i need to kirr Racher Starstuff, the President of Earth."
"Indeed," said Master Makina. "we are also ona the way to Neo-America to end her tyranny."
"!!!" exclaimed Zhang Bang, "you rearry think you can defeat her?"
"She fears the samurai," smirked Kevinmaru, and it was true.
in the basement of the Equity House, rachel starstuff was doing all kinds of unspeakably evil and gross satanic shit because "there's nothing logically wrong with it"
she looked up and howled angrily. she knew that the Chinese Businessman Demigod Zhang Bang had met the last samurai, Master Makina. she got dressed and stomped up the stairs. she was wearing some stupid fucking punk boots or something.
"we need to nuke both China and Japan," she said to the Kaal Ambassadoro.
"No," said the Kaal, who was none-other than Talli the Kaal who loved Zhang Bang. "We cant because uh, the world needs China's plastic products and Japan's neo-conductors."
"Drats youre right!" hissed Starstuff, pawing at her iPhone Euphoria, a living smartphone-skinsuit that kept track of all her appointments and notifications.
Talli was right. Japan's eggheads had developed some bleeding-edge tech that allowed the Kaal's alien bullshit gibberish magic to be successfully transfered into wearable gadgets and bit-bops for the neo-upper class.
"your troll failed to kill Zhang Bang. he is too powerful. allow me to go myself," said Talli.
"What can YOU do?" hissed the president of Earth.
Talli punched the wall like a nerd who got mad at a multiplayer game because young men no-longer have physical outlets to match our mental ones, so when we get shit on in some stupid game, we have all this pent-up anger that would be spent in a traditional sport.
oh, and the wall exploded.
"Cough, cough!" said Rachel Starstuff, "good job! Ok, i know you can defeat Zhang Bang if you punch him like that! he might be tough, but NO-oNE can survive exploding!" Rachel Starstuff started dancing with glee. She was one of the best dancers in the world!
"Leave Bang to me," smirked Talli.
Chapter 5: I'm Writing This from My phone
not so fast, Zhang bang, said Samurai Master Kenshimatsu AKA MASTER MAKINA
"master K" said Zhang Bang, "why are you telling me to not go so fast? now of all times"
"You just think either you're clever or that we're stupid, Bang," said Matter K.
no
"Then explain why you were able to smell the science foam from the troll's shoes. Well? Do you have an answer?"
"I do not want secrets between us in our business relationship to assassinate Rachel Starstuff," said Zhang Bang. "So I will tell you that not only was I trained in Ninja Ways, but when I was there in Japan I figured I might as well also learn the Way of the Samurai. I learned my go-getter self-starter multitasker attitude and spirit from my ancestors."
"Your ancestors?"
"I am a direct descendant of Liu Bei."
"Incredible."
"Yes. So is your curiosity sated? or do you need my blood as a well? The blood of the Shu Dynasty!"
Zhang Bang took out a golden blade and cut his wrist right then and there. Master K was deeply touched by this gesture and knew that he could trust Zhang Bang.
after they prevented Bang from bleeding out, they noticed that where his blood had spilled, a peach tree began to grow.
"let's make an oath here," said Kevinmaru. "to end Rachel Starstuff's reign together or die trying."
they all agreed and then got drunk on sake.
it's absolutely exhausting writing this on a phone, bu imagine how our heroes felt. they had taken up the most difficult and dangerous job in the world. but it was a job that needed to be jobbed.
meanwhile, Talli was leading a group of U.S. Marines to Neo-China to kill Zhang Bang! oh no!
"OWO-RAH!" they roared, leaping from a plane to uh..
im back on my computer now. they leapt from the plane into Neo-China, which of course encompassed all of Neo-Japan as well.
"Commander," said Private Kannin Fahdaer, "How are we going to kill Zhang Bang?"
"We're not," replied Talli, and she turned around in mid-air, and unleashed bullet-hell on the Marines with her M2 Browning .50 caliber machine gun, which she was carrying like Master Chief from Halo.
most of the Marines were turned into Neo-Swiss Cheese. But there was hardly enough left of them for even a single 1/2 hour mukbang by a cute skinny Neo-Best-Korean girl.
however, the greatest of the Marines, the strongest and SMARTEST Marine who ever lived, Staff Sergeant Kasongo Munganga, was a huge fan of Touhou, and was able to dodge the bullets gracefully. He dived at Talli, preparing to break her neck like a twig.
But even though Talli wasn't prepared for her plan to have left any survivors, she was a quick thinker. It's how she became ambassadoro, after all. She reloaded her M2 Browning .50 caliber machine gun and instead of wasting any more ammo trying to hit Kasongo, she instead fired in another direction, propelling her out of his reach.
"TRAITORRRRRRRR!!!" roared Munganga, shaking his big fist at her. Talli did that thing that they ddo in animes where they pull on the skin under their eye with their finger and stick their tongue out. she did that to mock Munganga, and it worked.
Munganga vowed right then and there that he would either kill Talli and avenge the 200 Marines she'd retired, or he'd die trying. I wonder what it'll be.
What no-one knew, was that at that very moment, Kasongo Munganga and Talli were directly above the Shu Peach Tree, binding their fates together. A vow above or below a peach tree must be fulfilled.
Talli landed like Master Chief at the beginning of Halo 3 (when he returned to Finish the Fight, remember??) and well... let's just say, Zhang Bang wasnt too happy to see her.
"Oh, it's you," said Zhang Bang.
"Bang, I'm here to warn you. President Starstuff wants you dead!" said Talli, pulling herself out of the crater she'd just made.
"I don't care, I'm going to kill her fir I mean... I no care, I kirreh her first!"
"Good save, Bang," exclaimed Kevinmaru who knew the importance of maintaining an act. Because of his incredible mastery of Ninjutsu, no-one knew that Kevinmaru was not actually Japanese, but IRISH.
"Save it, Zang Bang, you can't hide yourself from me. I see through all Linguistic Ninjutsu," said Talli, dusting herself off. "After all, I am... a SAMURAI."
this story is so stupid and my neck hurts. ill write more later
Chapter 6: Fat Rodent
"is there any purpose for the Church? all they do is molest kids am I right?" Senator Ethan Klein asked Neo-Congress, smirking at the camera with his fat greasy rat face.
Klein was proposing a 10 trillion Vaxbux tax on the Neo-Catholic Church to pay for his Anal Equity Bill which would ensure that all kids get safe access to learning about safe sex-- an important esoteric ritual which parents just couldn't be trusted to teach their own kids. it was up to Ethan. Top (top, get it?) scientists all agreed the bill was necessary to stop more stupid crotch goblins from being born and also that God didn't exist. though there was some controversy over Etan's use of phobic and shaming language towards certain already marginalized communities in getting his point across. It was unfair for child molesters--who had a history of being historically marginalized, historically speaking-- to be lumped in with filthy Catholics. but everyone could at least agree on that point: the Church had to go.
to help support the bill and show that he meant business, Klein had devoured his own firstborn child on stage, while mockingly showing the audience how to put a condom on a dragon dildo to REALLY stick it to those retarded backwards prudes.
sadly however, the Vatican Assassins--though they were brothers in whiny secular bugspirit of Klein--could not allow their Gringotts wizard bank vaults to be robbed. and so using AI machine learning, they had actually trapped Klein inside a simulation. Ethan didn't know it yet, nor perhaps would he ever, but in order to escape, he had to live out the plot of Assassin's Creed 2. Klein's only hope was to become what he hated the most: a physically fit Catholic Italian who could perform parkour, instead of a creepy obese freak whose own wife visibly cannot stand him.
after Hila was rescued from Ethan, she revealed to the Assassins the whereabouts of the Klein's OWN secret treasury. Hila changed her name to Hilda and married Brother Daniel Keem, her former lover before the chipmunk-looking goblin had abducted her from her homeland of Neo-Palestine during her innocent visit to the White Genocide Museum.
Hustle was the Virtue which united all businessmen, so it was a surprise to no-one when Daniel passed the information to Bigman Zhang Bang, who'd long-ago loaned him an Elgato capture card to record himself harassing girls in video games prior to Daniel becoming the Chief Assassin of the Neo-Catholic(Luciferian) Church.
"This squares us, Bang," Keem said.
"Neo-American-Israeli dog, you cannot square what is round so easily," Bang said sadly. He closed his eyes as Kevinmaru ended his Concealment Jutsu, allowing Daniel the briefest of moments to know he'd been betrayed. well... betrayed might not be the right word. trying to settle his debt to Zhang Bang with the measly little fortune of a Podcast Senator? That capture card's circuit board was worth almost half a BLM now. Far more than Daniel's life.
"TO AAAAAARMS!!" roared Keem, spinning around and flicking out his wristblade. but it was too late. his men were already on the ground, dead as a can of spam. Kevinmaru delighted in killing, you see, and didnt even wait for Bang's signal to snuff them out like thin-wicked candles in a typhoon of bloodlust.
"Kevinmaru, control yourself," said Special K, AKA Master K, AKA Master Makina, who was wearing his Special Forces uniform with a motorcycle helmet. "This is why i think ninjas are cringe, you get lost in the sauce."
Kevinmaru may have been Irish, but he'd learned how to feel shame from his time studying in Japan. Even prior to joining the Baka Gaijin School of Special Ninja Arts, Kevinmaru had blushed for the first time in his life after being viciously and mercilessly giggled at by a group of Japanese girls, because he tried asking them where the Baka Gaijin School of Special Ninja Arts was, and perhaps his accent was what did it. Whatever the reason was, they covered their mouths, and were able to muffle a lot of it, but Kevinmaru knew that they were giggling at him. But he still had his pride, and wouldnt give up. He started shouting at them. "PREEZEU! I NEEDU TO FINDUR TER NINJA SCHOORU!!"
obviously admiring his strength and courage, one of the girls had revealed to him a clue that would ultimately help him find his Ninja master. Yukimoto-Sensei. "Go to Shibuya," she had giggled. Kevinmaru jogged the whole way there.
But enough about Kevinmaru for now. For now, he has been shamed once again by Special K, after slaughtering Keem's men like pigs without waiting for the signal from Zhang Bang!
"You're a hothead, Kevinmaru," said Brassiere. "I'd know a thing or two about fires, after all."
"Don't talk to me, horse-man," said Kevinmaru, who was referring to Bra's profession, not suggesting that Bra was part-horse. Although he was.
Does he know my secret? asked Brassiere to himself internally. The secret... of my bloodline?
Meanwhile, Keem was dueling Zhang Bang. Bang ducked under a wristblade-punch, and spun out his leg, cleaning Keem's clock with some sweet chin music. Keemstar i mean Brother Daniel Keem fell, dead. The Vatican Assassins were finally destroyed.
"No," said Hilda Keem. "There is... another..." she held out her baby.
"Cute baby," said Brassiere.
"Thank you. My child is next in line to be the Pope," she said.
Special K turned to Zhang Bang. "What will you do, Zhang Bang?"
Zhang Bang looked at the fallen gnome at his feet and felt a sense of responsibility. "I will raise him as my own, and reform Neo-Catholicism in my own image. The Mandate of Heaven belongs to Neo-China, and therefore to me. I will teach this young man to rule--
"Actually it's a girl," said Hilda.
Zhang Bang laughed so hard he started crying.
Chapter 7: No More Walls
Historians would one day call, with overwhelming expert/correct consensus, October 21st 2025 the Most Horrifying Day in American History since Donald Trump brought the Old U.S. Government to its sissy femboy knees by organizing a mildly-rowdy protest on Capitol Hill. Heh, that nightmarish and brutal national tragedy would one day been seen as child's play compared to what Zhang Bang did that chilly October evening.
Zhang Bang was taking a sip of pipin hot coffee when one of man's greatest fears came true. The handle of Bang's mug broke off, pouring the hot coffee all over his crotch.
Bang did not cry out. No. He'd prepared himself for this moment since he was a child.
it was still hot though. so he had to supress a grunt. Everyone in the cafe was staring at him. my shoulder hurts so freaking muc
everyone in the cafe was staring at him. Bang stared right back, at each individual one after the other. the men averted their eyes as their shrimpy little girl-dicks shriveled in fear. several women fainted. the two who didn't were, of course, not real women at all. they were feds. they'd exchanged their femininity for fat government paycheques which would ensure that their mid-20s to late-30s were as comfortable and meaningless as any soulless materialist could ever dream. Back in the Dark Ages, getting your existential panic inhibitor chip (or, EPIC) cost almost 2 BLM. Now? It was a Human Right and Mandate for all state employees. Horrifyingly, this badass yasss incentive didnt cause the surge of applicants expected for some bigoted reason, and many women for their own good had to be drafted into career-service by the dozens(39) of law-enforcement agencies which now existed to arrest religious idiots for spreading monogamy propaganda, and fascists for not wanting to get their booster-shots for the exciting new Covid 76 DLC which saw that hospitals were OVERRUN, at all times, with fucking nazis.
"what are you planning, zhang bang?" they asked, knowing that their cover was blown and not particularly caring because theirs EPICs did nothing for their depression.
Bang looked at the pathetic remains of his coffee cup. "Made in Taiwan". Pft. Imagine that. Corror me surprised. He stood up calmly.
"Give your handlers this message."
Bang took out a Mauser C96 which was customized for him by his samurai master's daughter, who was the legendary gunsmith Yumi Nikkikata. She'd always loved Bang, and she always wood. lmao i mispelle Yume had used all of her skill to turn the Mauser into a needle-gun. Not like fat syringes to get dangerous experimental vaccines for mostly-peaceful viruses with 99.9% survival rates, but THIN, RAZOR-THIN accupuncture needles. the perfect tool for a Samurai Doctor, which is what Bang trained in. Sure, he was the most successful businessman since Benjamin Gruber the former planetary ruler whose business exploits can be read about in the popular bestselling book "Rodrigo Gets Some"-- but Bang was a medic at heart, and his healing hands were always itching to help those in need.
And so, Bang shot them both in the head. But with such precision that his needlebullets ONLY destroyed their EPICs. They were free!
"Wait, what's the message?" they asked, pulling the needles from their noggins.
Ner-- i wonder if i should start a sub-plot where they think he's saying "Nero-China" instead, and it's used as a propaganda tool by the m --no, just forget it...
"NEO-CHINA official controls Neo-America, starting TODAY." And with that, Bang struck a pose and flexed his biceps. The walls of the Cafe Sodomio crumbled. What?!
All around the country, buildings began crumbling. Every American construction worker for the last few hundred years had been a CHINESE PLANT, and had built detonators into the walls! Which could be detonated by whomst?
"The Heir to the Shu Dynasty!" answered Zhang Bang. thank you zhang!
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Rachel Starstuff hearing the news in REAL TIME with her Spyify app in her brand new Apple iLead skinsuit. ANd she immediately signed a bill to destroy all the remaining statues of Christopher Colombus, hoping to save the country!!
Of course, said statues were no-longer in public(thank science) and now existed only on the insides a handful of churches... stupid fucking Xtards... so fucking illogical... anyway, Neo-America's Finest would have to lay siege to the churches. it could take days, even WEEKS if the equity enforcement officers couldnt round up enough ammo to bash the fash! what would we do until then?!
As the first Chinese troop carriers touched the shores of Neo-Neo York to implement Neo-China's insane laws against wasting your entire life playing video games, Rachel Starstuff shed a tear. She looked up at the sky and remembered the words of the greatest scientist who ever lived, Neil!:
"All that matters is love."
Rachel smiled and wiped her cheek. "that's right, Neil," she whispered. "We're in this together, and we wont let those filthy fucking chinks interrupt our playtime!!!" She pressed the WAR button, automatically initiating the 47th draft that year, and thawing the frozen consciousness of 50,000,000 soldiers of colour. "America... #LetsDoThis!!!"
Chapter 8: No More Hate
Staff Sergeant Kasongo Munganga had the unforunate task of reporting Talli's betrayal to President Rachel.
"She killed my men like they were nothing," he moaned sadly.
"Your WHAT?"
"M--muh fellow infantry. She killed my fellow infantry."
"And you didn't die with them in solidarity?" hissed Rachel, who, although she needed to assert her dominance over Munganga because she was his superior in every way, didn't really want him to die. she was glad that the greatest living marine had indeed continued to draw breath.
"I... I..." started Mun-- how the hell do i spell this... Munganga. Munganga. ok it's committed to memory.
Rachel stared at him. She had the best poker face in the biz. she'd learned it from her 10 years in Human Resources-- the most glorious branch of the Neo-U.S. military.
But Munganga was no slouch. His self-preservation instincts had been honed by his time growing up in the rough-and-tumble suburbs of Neo-Cali.
"Systemic." he said.
Rachel nodded. Indeed, indeed.
"Power structures," she replied, knowingly. She nodded and raised her fist to let him know that she understood that she could never understand his struggle. But she knew that his anger--or whatever emotions he might have been feeling, but especially his anger-- was valid. And that she knew her place was not to judge the lived experiences of his body of color.
Munganga accepted her surrender, relieved. "Historical," he said. He crossed his arms to let her know that he'd spoken his piece. His Truth. The conversation was now effectively over. All that remained now was for Rachel to make her apology and promise to Do Better.
Rachel nodded, and kept her hand raised. "Social constructs," she said, with a slight shrug that said "What can ya do?"
Sly bitch. She'd placed herself right alongside him in the fight against The System. The Power Dynamics of their Professional Relationship had shifted, and they were both on equal footing now. Of course, as the Comrade-In-Chief, she still held the dominant position here in their shared Struggle against Fascism/Racism/Hate/Social Constructs/Science-Denial/etc.
Unfortunately for them both, The System came knocking right at that very second.
All four walls of the presidential hideyhole exploded, and they found themselves surrounded by 50 x 4 Chinamen, who all looked just like Zhang Bang! How can this be?
I know what YOU'RE thinking. YOU'RE thinking some vile, racist, hate-filled lunatic idiot idea like "all Asians look alike." Wow, OK. Even if that were true, so what? Oh noooooooooooo, a group of people resemble each other noooooooooooooooooooo please help all these girls are cute and they weigh on average 70lbs less than American women noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
anyway the REAL answer is that Zhang Bang had brilliantly placed 200 clones of himself into the Chinese military to form their most Elite, Spec-Ops, Black-Ops, Dark-Ops, Night-Ops, Elite Unit Task Force: B.A.N.G. (Bio Augmented Neural Guerillas). Every one of the 200 had Gorilla Mindsets the likes of which had never been seen on this Earth. Bang himself could only BARELY keep up with them-- after all, he'd only become the beast that he was after his tumultuous childhood. The BANGS had been trained since birth to be shrewd businessmen and even shrewder assassins/CQC-fighters. The BANGS will be hereafter referred to as their Secret Codenames: Codename: BEING, pronounced BENG, which is, of course BEI+BANG=BEING. ALSO, THEY SHORTEN IT FURTHER TO BING(still pronounced BENG though) in order to conceal the fact/Chinese military secret that they are indeed of the bloodline of Liu Bei, but they shorten it even FURTHER to BNG in order to avoid a lawsuit from the remains of the Microsoft Corporation, who at this point is a single man living off of social security and sues people who use "Bing", and because he represents himself pro se, he's basically an unstoppable costly annoyance to anyone who gets in his way.
This man's name? Albert Einstein.
Before we get to his story, let's check back in on how Rachel Starstuff and Munganga are doing with the Chinese.
The Chinese, out of great respect for Munganga's skill, executed him right then and there with a .50 cal to the back of the head. They knew he couldn't be allowed to live, or else he'd wreak a decent-sized amount of havoc. Rachel Starstuff was a different story. They weren't impressed with her for some reason and smacked her around for a few minutes like a cat playing with a dead rat.
"What you do now, Amerikkkan?" asked BNG#43.
Rachel looked up defiantly. "I'll tell you what I do."
she held out her arms and took a deep breath. reflexively, the BNGs ducked for cover as she roared out with her Voice
"EXPECTO... PATRONUM!!!!!"
Chapter 9: Expecto Indestructible!
Rachel Starstuff's Patronus ((NOT to be confused with a "Spirit Animal", which is like a Patronus, but is ONLY for Indiginoues Bisexual People of Color(IBIPOCs[pronounced Ibbypocks])))-- was a... a...
BNG#43 gasped. "A TARDIGRADE!"
Rachel Starstuff smirked. "That's right! A tardigrade! I'm sure that their reputation proceeds them even to a pissbaby Science Denier such as yourself. TARDIGRADES ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!"
The tardigrade patronus began charging into the Bangs like an enraged bull. But thankfully, the Bangs were quick on their feet, and had even TRAINED as matadors for just such an occasion! Good thinking, guys! I have never once in my entire fucking life spelled occasion correctly the first time, and it's about to turn me into a fucki
"Bangs, form up!" called Bang#1. "What are we going to do about this giant spirit animal tardigrade?"
Rachel Starstuff shrieked. "DON'T CALL IT THAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!! IT IS NOT A SPIRIT ANIMAL, IT'S. A. PATRONUS! AS A WHITE PERSON, I KNOW MY PLACE!!!!!"
The tardigrade lunged at the Bangs, screaming bloody murder sensing its master's freakish racial guilt. "WOBBA LOBBA DUBBBBB DUUUUUUUUUUUB!!!!!!!!!"
Unfortunately for us all, one of the Bangs lost his leg to the beast! No!
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" yelled Bang #6. "He took my leg!! I'm gonna KILL IT!!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! LMAO! LAUGHING-CRYING EMOJI, IM LITERALLY LAUGHING AT HOW STUPID YOU ARE!!!!" screamed Rachel Starstuff. "DO YOU KNOW LITERALLY ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE YOU FUCKING REDNECKS!!!! TARDIGRADES ARE INVINCIBLE! NOTHING CAN KILL THEM!!!!"
Bang #6 took out his +2 Poison and +2 Fire Knives and enabled Duel Wielding. With his one mighty leg, he launched himself onto onto the tardipatronus's back. He began stabbing into it, dealing poison damage AND fire damage, the effects stacking PER strike! In the blink of an eye, the Patronus Tardigrade was taking over 48 damage per second, and just imagine that number increasing by 4 for every word you read as Bang-6 continued his assault!
The tardigrade ROARED in agony and anger. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU CANT DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEE, IM INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!!!!! U FUCKING DOUCHENOZZLES!!!!!"
"WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!" screamed Rachel Starstuff, utterly astounded that her patronus was being physically assaulted like this!! "WHAT THE FUCK, GET OFF HIM!!!!!!!! SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!"
"WE CAAAAAANT!!!" cried the Patronus miserably. "DONT YOU REMEMBER YOU SENT THEM ALL TO DESTROY THE STATUES OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS FOR EQUITY AND SAFETY!"
"You're right! FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!" Rachel shouted, trying to bash the fash. But Bang-43 knocked her lights out with a solid elbow to the side of the head. If he'd wanted to--no, let me rephrase-- if he'd CHOSEN to, he could've used his elbow like a katana and sliced her skull in half. Not just because of martial arts, but ALSO because of his AUGMENT. His cyberbang Elbow Slicer, +5 Lightning Dmg Per Second, a secret weapon/ace up the sleeve of his BOB. (Bunch of Bangs)
"WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!" shouted Rachel's assistance, Jimmy Mac, throwing up his arms in disbelief. Bang-6 had finished killing the animal that can survive the vacuum of space wow humans are so weak and insignificant lol xD -- and he jumped down and held a knife to Jimmy Mac's throat (the fire knife, not important)
"U TERR US WER DER KEEPING THE RAUNCH CODES!" he demanded. But then, there was a knife at Bang-6's throat!
"NOt so fast..." said Kasongo Munganga?!
Chapter 10: Beloved Tomboyish Alarm Girl
Kasongo Munganga! I thought you were dead!
"I survived!" said Kasongo Munganga. "The bullet missed my brain and I patched myself up with Science Juice!"
Bang-6 ducked and dived to escape Kasongo. Jimmy Mac started to run away to safety, but Bang-43 jumped in front of him and shoved him to the ground.
"WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" screamed Jimmy Mac. He tried getting back to his feet, but Bang-43 pushed him back down.
"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING INCEL!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
Bang-43 tapped the side of his head and turned on the wifi of his neuro-neurallink. Then he stabbed a network card into Jimmy Mac's skull.
"WHAT THE FU..." Jimmy Mack was downloaded!
"Now we can get the information we need, without havaing to deal with his obnoxious, childish language!" said Bang-43.
"Good thinking 43!" said Bang-1. "Now then, lads..." he turned to Kasongo. "Kasongo, we have no beef with you."
"Ye," acknowleged Kasongo wisely. He could see the writing on the wall. The Starstuff Presidency was over. Even if he could somehow defend her from all of these Bangs, more would come!
Not breaking eye contact, Kasongo slowly backed out of the room. But his fight was not over, not by a long shot. He still yearned, YEARNED to avenge his men by slaying Talli.
"Kasongo Mumobojumbo is coming to kill me," Talli whispered to herself. Like all women, she had extrordinary Empathetic powers, so she knew. She prepared herself for the fight of her life. A fight which her love interest, Zhang Bang, would surely not assist her with.
"I no rove you, brue woman," said Bang. "My heart berong to MY GREAT DESTINY!" And he flexed his bicep. "You sorve own probrems!"
Special K and Brassiere looked on and smiled and nodded. "Good decision, Bang," they said. "We have no time for women right now. Now of all times!"
"ATTENTION, ATTENTION!" cried Alarm Girl, breaching this story from The Billy Mitchell Fanfiction. "Everyone please be really careful! An army of Amerimutts is preparing to invade Neo-China!"
Brassiere's mouth went AGAPE as he stared at this CUTE GIRL. Special K looked down at his fist. Where did Zhang Bang look? Of course Bang got down to brass tacx and looked at the invasion map that had appeared on his HUD. He didn't have time to be sentimental or emotional or anything gay like that.
And neither did Talli, although she was a woman so she couldnt help herself. "Zhang Bang," she said, sniffling. "I'm scared of fighting Kasongo by myself. I know I can defeat him, but I also know that he has a chance of defeating me as well. What if I die, Zhang Bang?"
Zhang Bang wasn't paying any attention to her. But Brassiere offered her some encuuregment. "Don't worry!" he said. "We samurai believe in reincarnation! I believe that when I die (in battle) that I will come back as a beautiful sparrow."
Alarm Girl nodded. "I do not fear death for a number of reasons, one of which I will reveal to you now, Talli."
"How do you know my name?" gasped Talli, holding her hand to her mouth.
"Because I am, of course, the daughter of you and Zhang Bang!" Alarm Girl announced.
Zhang Bang still wasn't paying any attention.
Brassiere was in that state when you're in a group and there's one girl who you want to get the attention of. He decided to make his move by jumping in.
"How can that be!" he asked loudly, flexing. "Talli and Zhang Bang have not had sex, and you appear to be the same age as Talli anyway!"
"Actually I'm a 2000 year old vampire," said Talli.
"Oh excuse me, I didn't know that," said Brassiere.
"And *I* and over 4,000 years old!" announced Alarm Girl, proudly doing a Superman pose.
"Say WHAT!" gasped Brassiere. His crush COULDN'T be that old!
"It's true!" said Alarm Girl smugly. "I'm the oldest and wisest being in the world at the moment. Go ahead and ask me anything!"
"How about a math question? Let's see..."
"How about you idiots shut up and help me barricade this door?" asked Zhang Bang. They were all of course in BANG HQ in Neo-China. But the Amerimutt invasion was FAST approaching.
"No dad, I'm here to save you!" said Alarm Girl. "Here, watch this!" She took out a fire alarm from her pocket, jumped up, and chucked it at the ground with all the strength in her body.
Everyone died, but they actually DIDNT die, they merely were exploded into another dimension where millions of American soldiers weren't coming to kill them!"
"Alarm Girl, you saved us!" cried Talli, hugging her.
"Yeah lol!" smiled Alarm Girl.
"Alarm Girl, I... I..." Brassiere blushed and looked at the ground. "That is... Alarm Girl, I think you're really--"
"Where are we now?" asked Special K.
"I'm glad you asked," smirked a voice from behind them.
They all turned around and beheld a giant, beautiful man.
Master Makina nodded knowingly. "Billy Mitchell."
Chapter 11: Can You Take Bang Higher?
Zhang Bang recognized Billy Mitchell immediately. Game recognize game, and gamer recognize gamer. So Zhang Bang, both having game and being a gamer, could not HELP but recognize Billy Mitchell, the greatest gamer who ever lived im so hungryand also the most-loved by hot chicks, sultry brunettes and ravishing blondes, thin and fit for magazine covers in days long gone. INSTANTLY, both men's hands were extended, and a handshake to begin and end worlds was made.
"Not so fast, Zhang Bang!" roared Sirloin Ultima, CIA! Well I can just tell you right now that it was Sirloin's desperate suicide mission to make sure that Billy Mitchell and Zhang Bang didn't become allies or even friends!!
"CIA," said Zhang Bang, preparing to grapple.
"My daughter look just like CI-A you can't c her," announced Billy Mitchell, using his Atlantean Power to spirit-summon KanYe Weast, and to everyone's surprise, Alarm Girl vanished into thin air!
"DRATS!" internally spat Sirloin, whose secondary objective was to secure Alarm Girl so she could be tortured at a CIA black site! Damn... well... one less distraction... time to ruin a friendship!
But before Sirloin could tell Zhang Bang that Billy Mitchell called him gay behind his back, Brassiere spoke up, distracting him!
"What! Where did my waifu goooooo!" cried Brassiere.
"She's not your waifu," said a Mysterious Shadow Voice from the Shadows.
"Who's there? Come out!" said Special K, playcing his hand on his sword.
Out of the shadows, Shadow Voice stepped out and was revealed to be none-other than Lance AKA Lancelot, Billy Mitchell's right-hand man and i literlly had to get out of my chair and now im sitting on my stomach like a teenage girl with my laptop. somethings really wrong in this country, cant you feel it? it's like, who the hell designs these chairs? you ever notice how the seat depths of office chairs are like twice the size they need to be? these werent designed by nor for human beings. youre worried about inflation and race riots? how about this? Chairs, these things we are basically forced to be in all day, are TORTURE DEVICES. what are we going to do about it? ALL AMERICAN PATRIOTS, IT'S TIME, CHARLIE FOXTROT TANGO TUMMY BRAVO DELTA ANIME
ALL AMERICAN PATRIOTS ... RESPOND!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE! FIRE!!!!!! WEAPONS FREE!!!!!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!!
"Lancelot, my best friend!" cried Billy Mitchell, embracing him.
Lancelot smiled. "Billy, it's so good to see you. But I'm afraid I don't have much Time..." Billy nodded knowingly because of course he already knew that. Lance continued. "I'm here to ruin Brassiere's day by telling him Alarm Girl is spoken for! By ME!"
Brassiere growled angrily "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... MMmmmmgrrrrrrrrrrrrrahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." he bared his fangs... short, immature... little feminine, girly teeth really... but still with great vampiric potential, if properly groomed by the forces of Darkness... if the CIA wasn't already paying close attention to Brassiere, they damn-well-heckin sure were now...
"Good Brassiere, good! Ha-ha, good! Release the fire inside of you! But not yet!" said Billy Mitchell. "For while it is your fate to never be with Alarm Girl, you must nonetheless PROTECT her as her bodyguard."
"Say WHAT?!" growled Vampeer Brassiere. He hissed as well.
"Brassiere, you must form this Universe's Incel Shuffle Alliance, dedicated to protecting my daughter," spoke Talli in a strange voice. "Protect her from the CIA, and its expendable Amerimutt pawns like Sirloin Ultima."
Sirloin took out his knife from his breast holster... time for a little CQC...
But Brassiere was too fast for him! In the blink of an eye, Sirloin's neck was bitten into like a juicy steak... a... namesteak... Brassiere's first feeding! He'd joined the Vampire Brotherhood, and so naturally without any prompting or anything! This shows how much potential he has, thought Billy Mitchell and Lancelot un unison. Perfect... but not totally-perfect...
"Billy, he can't lead the Incel Shuffle Alliance if he's an out-of-control-vampire..." communicated Lancelot telepathically.
"My thoughts exactly, Lance" responded Billy, telepathically. "But if HE won't lead the ISA, then who will?"
i feel like my chair was literally designed to drive me to suicide. now i have my legs up on my desk like a femboy programmer. this isnt so bad i guess. now i understand it. i can see what Big Chair's grand designs are. really makes ya think
"I will lead the Incel Shuffle Alliance," said... Sir Galahad?!
"Son!" gasped Lancelot internally, but not out loud because Galahad didnt know that he was his father and Lancelot didnt want him to know! and he DEFINITELY didnt want ALARM GIRL to know that he'd bedded another woman when he went to go live the Arturian Legend in another dimension!
"Who are you?" asked Billy Mitchell.
Galahad knelt. Game recognize game. "Lord, I was brought here by the Lady of the Lake to--"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOKAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" said Special K, yawning loudly. "That's more than enough for now. Billy, much earlier, you referred to Alarm Girl as your daughter. Were you just memeing? I thought she was Zhang Bang's daughter."
"Alarm Girl is a Child of Greatness," responded Billy. "Her mothers and fathers are countless Supreme Beings from every dimension. It just so happens that Zhang Bang and I are the fathers closest to her right now, dimensionally-speaking.
"Yes... that makes sense..." said Count Brassiere, who'd Finished Feasting on the Fed. "How else could I have been so spellbound by her..."
"Of course... why else would the CIA be so desperate to take her?" whispered Lancelot. "My beloved... a Child of Greatness..."
"Not so fast, longshanks!" growled Count Brassiere, extending his vampire-nails like Wolverine's claws. "I don't care if all of you think im not destined to be with her. As a VAMPIRE LORD, i DEFY your destiny!"
Lancealot's PTSD kicked in and he started hearing Doom music. Would the two come to blows??? What of Sir Galahad? And how did Talli KNOW about the formation of the Incel Shuffle Alliance? What is the CIA up to? Am i ever going to find a chair that doesnt make me absolutely miserable to sit in?
"Later W*iteoids," said Zhang Bang, ejecting himself into outer space in the Billy Mitchell Gunmech.
"Zhang Bang, you mind telling me what you're doing in my mech?" asked Billy Mitchell, appearing on the MichellCorp vidscreen in the cockpit.
"Finishing this fight..." said Zhang Bang, and he set a course for the Kaal Homeworld.
Chapter 12: Bangsassination!
Meanwhile, Kasongo Munganga was making a deal with Big Kaal AKA Big, the leader of the Kaal.
"So you agree with us that Kaal Lives Matter?" demanded Big Kaal.
"Ye."
"Then bend the knee. Good. Now kiss my boot."
Kasongo did so, secretly knowing that in time, Big Kaal would be dead and this boot would be HIS boot.
"Very well Kasongo! We agree to help you kill Talli. Normally it'd be against our CODE to turn against one of our own. But Talli has revealed herself as a TRAITORE... and the worst kind... Yes, yes, we will cure her yellow fever once and for all. And when Talli is dead, you will deliver us the Atlantean Secret of Africa!
"Ye."
"EXCELLENT. NOW, LET ME INTRODUCEREI YOU TO MY BELOVED SON, TALLO."
From behind the throne, a God im so tired i need coffee OUT STEPPED... a big Kaal guy. He looked just like his fathere, but he was even BIGGERE.
"Tallo!" cried Big Kaal. "GO KILL YOUR SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Tallo saluted-- FUCK something just fell off my desk and scared me and now im mad lmfao i wanna break something. Kinda like how Tallo wanted to BREAK his fathere's neckere for ordering him to kill his sister! His beloved sister!
anyway, Tallo concluded his salute which was a multi-step salute like Rimmer from Red Dwarf, and then he stomped away. Little did he or Big Kaal know that Kasongo Munganga recognized the sibling love in his eyes, and made a NOTE of it inside his giant, powerful brain. He tucked that little factoid away for future use.
"Aight I'm gonna go, Big Kaal," said Kasongo. "And prepare the Atlantean-Egyptian-Alien God-Tech for you." He break danced out of the roome.
"Ok, have a good time," said Big Kaal. "By tomorrow, my daughtere will be dead!"
what a piece of shit. anyway, he was WRONG on top of that! Because who else would come barging into the throne room at that moment, but Zhang Bang!
"Hey," said Zhang Bang.
"GUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDS!!!!" shrieked Bug Kaal, who had revealed his true insectoid-form. For the Kaal were of course insectoid shapeshifters.
Zhang Bang rushed him and slammed his fist though Bug Kaal's head, grabbing his brain and card-crushing it. Then he swiftly lifted his forearm, bisecting Bigbug Kaal's skull.
"The king is dead," said Bug Kaal's wife, Kaala. "Lol." She entered her insect form as well because she was so happy. She hated Bug Kaal.
Female Kaal, even in bug form were mostly-humanoid and hot as hell, dont worry. like, you know, imagine fox girls, but bug girls. is that a thing? im gonna go check brb. ok i just spent like 20 minutes looking at cute pictures of anime insect girls. not lewd ones, just cute onoes, relax. like there were little termite girls doing work in a tree. The Kaal don't look like that though, they're a little more insect-y -- JUST a little, so it's not gross what happened to Zhang Bang next!
Kaala lunged on to Zhang Bang and kissed him desperately with her alien bug mouth. Zhang Bang shoved her off, slamming her against the wall. "You beateru it, buggu. I'm heer on bizuress."
Indeed. For the throne room had been opened for Zhang Bang by none-other than the Minister of Human Relations! Big Kaal had been BETRAYED! This was a hostile takeover by the DEEP STATE! However, the KAAL Deep State was a force for GOOD unlike a certain other one and speaking of them let's go check on the CIA!
"Sirloin Ultima has failed his mission," reported Steakum.
"Of course he did," responded Masterpiece Ribeye. "All according to plan. Now his daughter Tenderloin is MINE HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"Congratulations, sir!" smiled Steakum. "But what about this 'Alarm Girl'? She is still at large!"
"At large and in charge," growled Masterpiece Ribeye. "This country is going to SHIT because of her... she thinks we dont know the truth, that by posing as a simple Alarm Girl that no-one would ever discover the true, grim reality! That she's been helping Neo-American refugees escape off-planet into Billy Mitchell's Neo-Atlantean Kingdom on Mars! Grrrr....RARRG.ARGARRRHHHHH..... no... noo... NO!!!!! THEY CANT ESCAPE US, THEY ARE OUR CATTLE, THEY LIVE TO SERVE US YOU HEAR ME? YOULL NEVER GET AWAY FROM US DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, FUCKING FUCK FUCK FASCISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Right then and there, Masterpiece Ribeye's mouth split open revealing none-other than... President Rachel Starstuff?!
"Good, good, my CIA fuckboy host's body is adapting to me-- im so heckin' hungry i gotta get something to eat. Bring me... TENDERLOIN!" she hissed.
You'd better believe that despite being an inhuman alphabeti-goon who's been ruining the United States for over 60 years, Masterpiece Ribeye was ANGERY, and he swallowed up Rachel Starstuff's head again and said a bunch of racial slurs to weaken her.
"I may have to host you because i sold my soul to the Great Satan, President Starstuff, but I won't let you harm what is MINE. You will NOT harm Tenderloin."
"Maybe not, but *I* will!" said Kasongo Munganga!
Chapter 13: Munganga's Proposal!!
Kasongo! What are you doing here!
"A valid question!" answered Munganga! "I'm here to KILL Tenderloin!" He took out a steak knife and im so hungry right now
"NO!" roared Masterpiece Ribeye! "I won't let you harm her!!!!!
"You don't have a choice, whyte boi," retorted Munganga. "You're nowhere near my power level. I'll give you 1 year to train. If you can meet me in the FINALS of the Bang City Martial Arts Tournament... then... then I'll give you your girlfriend back," said Munganga. And just like THAT! he was behind Ribeye, and grabbed Tenderloin.
"NOoooooOoooo! Ribeye!" she cried. "Help meeeeeee!"
"GrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LET. HER. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Ribeye and he lunged at him, but Kasongo Munganga poked him in the forehead.
"I just hit one of your vital pressure points. In 1 year and 7 days... you will DIE, unless I hit the sibling-pressure point located on another part of your body... a part only *I* know of, as an Ancient Egyptian Doctor. Don't even bother trying to go to the hospital, they'll have no idea what to do with you, and will kill you with medical malpractice, just like tens of thousands of Americans every single year... ye... ye... your #FrontLineHeroes can't save you now, whyte boi... But... If you can defeat me... I will not only give you your chick back, but I will spare your life. Let that be some extra motivation for you to get strong. Or just suck and die, and Tenderloin will be MINE. Ye..."
Munganga flew through the ceiling of the blacksite then with Tenderloin in his arms.
"DARN IT!" growled Steakum. "How is he able to fly?"
"Isn't it obvious?" hissed Rachel Starstuff, appearing on the back of Ribeye's head like Voldemort. "His latent melanin powers were activated by exposure to cosmic radiation when he went to visit the Big Kaal. He has become the ultimate being!"
"No," said Masterpiece Ribeye. "There is still one man who can defeat him..."
Actually there's a few, but the one Ribeye was talking about was, of course, Billy Mitchell, the Perfect Pac Man.
"I won't do it," said Billy Mitchell, back on Mars.
"Say WHAAAAAAAT?!" cried Brassiere. "But he's going to kill Talli! Don't you CARE?"
"I would. But Talli is perfectly safe here on Mars. Ironically, Munganga's melanin acts as a reverse-force field, preventing him from interacting with any Atlantean tech/worlds/people/etc. etc."
"Yes of course. Munganga LIED to the Big Bug Kaal with promises of Atlantean tech, but really, his Ancient Egyptian God Card Tech is ANTI-Atlantean tech which operates in a different plane of reality!!!" said Special K, nodding wisely. "Munganga and Billy CANNOT interact even if they wanted to!"
"Although I would of course win," said Billy Mitchell. "But yes, the CIA was hoping I would save them. But I cannot. And I wouldn't even if I could, since they created the Speedrunner Virus."
"Yes of course, everyone knows that," said Special K. "Anyway so what should we do then? After Kasongo's done with the CIA, he'll turn his attention to the rest of us! And we can't ALL live in Neo-Atlantis because some of us dont like the weather up there!"
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Billy Mitchell. "Kasongo's wrath can only be sated in the Bang City Martial Arts Tournament. He knows that you'll all show up, to test your might against him."
Brassiere nodded sagely. "OF course... as a warrior myself, i knew this would happen... very well. I WILL. DEFEAT. Kasongo in the Bang City Martial Arts Tournament! ANd then Alarm Girl will fall in love with me when she sees my strength@!"
"As a fellow warrior i cannot deny you your right to attempt your hopeless dream," said Lancelot. "HOWEVER, when you're inevitably blown the fuck out, you MUST accept your fate and join the Incel Shuffle Alliance, working under Galahad!"
Brassiere extended his hand, and Lancelot shook it. DEAL. "I won't lose," growled Brassierelmfao i forgot i made him a vampire lmao he grinned, revealing his fangs. Count Brassiere was ready to BRAWL!
Meanwhile, Alarm Girl was still invisible and running all around the place, dodging the CIA and their mystery meat puppets.
Alarm Girl... asked Mysterious Female Voice, Are you sure you're OK with this? You'll have to run around like a spaz until the tournament concludes and the CIA is destroyed. They ACTUALLY THINk that you're the MAGIC CHILD of Billy Mitchell and Zhang Bang and Every Other Great Person Ever, when in REALITy, you're ONLY the child of Zhang Bang! If they catch you, they'll perform all kinds of creepy Satanic experiments on you!
"I know," said Alarm Girl, "but Billy needs me to do it for His Great Designs, whatever those might be. and im not about to... im so tired ... im not about to uhhhh not .. do my p...part..."
OH NO ALARM GIRL FELL ASLEEP WHAT HAPPENED? sHE WAS STUNG BY A STRANGE DRUG WASP. Now what?!
Chapter 14: Welcome to Hell
The drug wasp was a GIANT drug wasp and transported ALarm Girl to ... HELL?
"Where am I!" cried ALarm Girl.
"LOL ur in hell, AND ur GAY!" smirked ... THE TROLL!?
"Hey! Ur a troll!" said Alarm Girl, frowning cutely. She leapt to her feet-- omg i just remembered some great game for the xbox360, gimme a sec... Viking: Battle for Asgard. i mean it wasnt GREAT, but i liked it a lot back then. i wonder what triggered that memory in my brain? were there trolls in it? idr. im pretty sure i got all the achievements though.
"DONT. TRY. TO. HIDE. FROM. ME. ALARM GIIIIIIIIRL!!!!" screamed the Troll, dragging her back into the story by her ankles. He threw her to the ground. "THAT GAME SUUUUUUUUUUCKED!!!!!!!!!!"
"Why are you doing this?" cried Alarm Girl. "I thought Trolls were supposed to be COOL!"
"COOL? You think it's COOL to TROLL people?" the Troll demanded. He pulled his face off, revealing a skeleton. "IS THIS COOL TOO?????"
"AaaaaaaaaaaAA!" Alarm Girl screamed, jumping away. She tapped her yeezys together 3 times to try to turn invisible again, but Black Magic doesnt work in the HELL DIMENSION! Oh no!
"YEEZUS CAN'T SAVE YOU DOWN HERE," kekd Skeleton Troll. "Now are you going to stop jumping around like a retard? Come down here and hear me out!"
Alarm Girl landed, and stared at Skeleton Troll with suspicion. "Whats ur game, Skeleton Troll?"
Skeleton Troll threw a chair at her. "Take a seat... now... do you remember the 2020 U.S. election fraud?"
"Of course I do," said Alarm Girl. "What about it?"
"Well, I was one of the Capitol Hill protestors on January 6th. Like everyone else, I was concerned about the overwhelming evidence that the election was stolen, and I was just trying to save our democracy... man... I had no idea what I was in for...
Skeleton Troll lit up a ciggy. "Midway through the protest, I got separated from my "friends", and I got pushed down a flight of stairs... and what I saw then shook me to my bones..."
"Why did you put 'friends' in quotations?" asked Alarm Girl.
"Heh... only later I'd find out that they were CIA the entire time, trying to convince me and others to commit acts of violence so they could de-legitimize the protest... I wouldn't even be surprised if it were THEY who chucked me down those stairs... those deep, deep stairs..."
"Oh."
"Yeah so anyway, when i finished falling, i landed in Capitol HELL, AKA... AREA 51."
"No way!"
"Yeah i aint lyin!" Skeleton Troll grimmed. "And you know what else? i saw aliens."
"Duh," said Alarm Girl. "Everyone already knows about the Kaal."
"You dumb bitch," said Skeleton Troll. "The Kaal aren't aliens, they're an experiment gone wrong. The Kaal were CREATED by the CIA because they're perverts and they just wanted insect-girls to have sex with. But the Kaal escaped. But that has nothing to do with my story so shut up and dont interrupt me again."
"..."
"The aliens I saw were the REAL DEAL, the genuine article. Greys."
"..."
"Thank you for maintaining your silence, bitch. I wish all women were like you. But I can't tell you about the Greys here, it's not safe. I brought you here just so you couldnt turn invisible on me while i earned your trust which i obviously now have. But we cant let the CIA see you and Hell is too close to Capitol Hell for comfort, so come on, we're gonna go back to the surface, bitch. dumb bitch."
"I'm not going anywhere with you," said Alarm Girl. "I'm on a mission from Billy Mitchell to disrupt the CIA's plans by uh... not being captured by them."
Skeleton Troll grinned. "Duh cunt," he lol'd. "I already know that. I'm one of Billy's agents."
"THE TROLL IS ONE OF BILLY MITCHELL'S AGENTS?!" roared... Countdown?! The Chief Vampire!?
"Yes master," reported Count Brassiere, who was a mind-slave to Countdown, like all the other vampeers in the area.
"Dammit... i dont want to act against Billy, but... my vendetta..." hissed Countdown. "He called me gay..."
Countdown glared up at the sky. "I wont forgive you, Troll. Even if you are working for Billy Mitchell... I will have my revenge..." Countdown's teeth extended down past his chin like a sabertooth tiger and he grinned like a troll himself! "When the moon is full... we'll see who's gay after all."
Chapter 15: When the Moon is Full
"Troll, how did you meet Billy Mitchell?" asked Alarm Girl as she was riding on the Troll's back as he jumped from tree to tree like a ninja.
"I met him on a web forum," responded Troll. "I called him gay, but he completely owned me, and almost drove me to suicide... but then he DM'd me... or PM'd as we called it back then--private messaged me... he told me there was another path in life that I could take... he made me realize that *I* was the gay one all along, and that if I pledged myself to him, he'd show me how to use my powers for good instead of wasting my potential... well, ever since then, I've been one of Billy's most effective vampeer hunters."
"Vam...peers?" asked Alarm Girl. "Are those like vampires?"
"Yes, but they're even more pretentious and, dare I say, gay. But with all that I learned from Billy, about martial arts and video games and shit talking and weightlifting and short-distance sprinting and broadsword fighting and how to use my large pools of latent ki energy by breathing properly and maintaining Joe Rogan posture... well, not one of my targets has ever escaped/defeated me... except for one..."
And here he comes!
"TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLL!!!!" screamed Countdown, flying through the air at them. He headbutted the Troll right in the tummy, knocking the wind out of him and sending him and Alarm Girl crashing to the ground! No!
Troll coughed up blood, but Alarm Girl was thankfully unharmed. She tapped her yeezys to go invisible. Ye's power could reach them here now that they were out of Hell/federal land. She hid behind a tree and watched, trying to keep quiet.
"Don't bother trying to keep quiet, Alarm Girl," cackled Countdown. "BRASSIERE! TAKE HER!"
From behind her, Alarm Girl was grabbed by the powerful paws of Brassiere!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she cried, "Brassiere I thought you were a good guy, but you're mean after all?!"
Brassiere spoke as one possessed, because he was possessed. Possessed by Countdown, who was of course the Vampireere Lord whomest bitten him all those years ago. "Alarm Girl, you will be my vampeer bride, or bridepeer."
"NoooooooooO!" Alarm Girl yelled, slamming the back of her head into his face, breaking his nose.
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!" roared Brassiere, dropping her. "You... you... BITCH!"
"HOW DARE YOU CALL HER THAT," roared the Troll.
Brassiere healed his broken nose like Dio or a highschool football coach, and it was all better. He licked the blood with an extra-long vampeer tongue and smirked wickedly. "Heh... I can't be killed, and my nose can't be broken..."
"Don't listen to him, Troll," said Billy Mitchell, speaking through his earpiece. "He's lying. Obviously his nose CAN be broken, since he just healed it. You just need to kill him before he can regenerate."
"WAIT," interrupted Special-K. "He's MY pupil. Please, allow me to talk some sense into him. I'm already on my way in my car."
"Don'tu be stupido," said Zhang Bang. "He's too strong for you now, he'll kill you."
"Zhang Bang, remember the peach tree oath. The three of us still have to end Rachel Starstuff once and for all!"
"Brassiere wasn't part of that oath, it was you, me, and Kevinmaru."
"Oh yeah lol I guess I'm getting old," Special K laughed and shook his head. "Well anyway, Brassiere still needs to be brought back into the Light to help Galahad form the Incel Shuffle Alliance and protect Alarm Girl! Instead of what he's doing right now, and trying to kidnap her."
"I agree," said Billy Mitchell. "But I believe our best course of action will be to slay Countdown-- then Brassiere will be free from his thralldom."
"I agree," said Lancelot. "I'll go and slay the vampire." He took out his silver longsword, which he kept for killing monsters kinda like a witcher, except that's just a myth because not all monsters are weak to silver. But Coutdown was!
"Heh, I can hear your silver sword being drawn, Lancelot," said the Troll, "but don't be gay. I can handle this vampire myself. After all... I am..."
The moon glowed with a mighty firey glow. And the Troll began getting really hairy and strong.
"A WEREWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLF!" roared Trollwolf!
He turned to smirk at Countdown, but was horrified to find Countdown smirking back even more wildly. He was even BIGGER and his fangs were down to his knees!
"So am I," said Count Vampwolf.
Chapter 16: Violence Breeds Violence
To call Count Vampwolf a physical specimen would be the understatement of the century.
He was well over 10 feet tall. He was 12 feet tall. His teeth were the size of Trollwolf's arms. But the bigger they are, the harder they fall as the saying goes.
Trollwolf leaped up and kicked Vampwolf's fang (left) with all his might, cracking it!
But Vampwolf just grinned and tore his own fang off! And it instantly grew back! And not only that? His fang transformed into a sword!
"Fangs for the sword, Trollwolf," chuckled Vampwolf. "I'll use it to carve out your heart. But first!" He chucked it at Alarm Girl.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" roared Trollwolf, and he leaped in front of the fangsword. He skewered him like a trollkebab, and pinned him to the wall.
"Troll!" cried Alarm Girl, and she ran over to him with tears in her eyes.
Trollwolf was bleeding from his mouth. "S...sh..."
"What are you trying to say" Alarm Girl asked sadly.
"Show... me... your tits..." and with that, Troll/Trollwolf was dead.
Alarm Girl screamed up into the sky with anger. She turned in rage to Count Vampwolf.
"You killed my friend... I... you... YOU'RE MEAN!!" she roared.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Vampwolf. He slapped her across the face.
"AND you're GAY TOO!!!" screamed Alarm Girl.
"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!" gapsed Vampwolf, clutching his chest. Such power in her words! Truly she was a child of greatness!
Vampwolf leaped into the sky and tried to fly away, but not before Alarm Girl started screaming racial slurs at him. He had a panic attack and died in mid-air!
"What happened?" asked Brassiere, who was back to normal.
Alarm Girl sniffled. She looked over at the Troll's body. She saw his beautiful golden glowing soul rise up and into the sky. She smiled and wiped her bloody lip.
"Nothing. It's all over now..."
"No child," said Special K. "It's just beginning." And they all turned to see a bunch of CIA black helicopters converged on them like a swarm of locusts.
