Chapter 1: LATE! Enter Konoko Koshigake!
"Oh boy, I'm late for class!" cried me, Konoko.
Hi, my name's Konoko Koshigake, grade 10. It's my first day at my new school in Japan, or "Nippon". The land of dragons and anime. Ever since I was a child, I've dreamed of being a ninja warrior. I've trained my body to its physical limits, but I still have a lot to learn about the culture. That's why I joined the foreign-exchange program, or "purogurumu." I might be able to walk the walk, but I've still got to learn how to talk the talk.
"Watch where you're going, jackass," yelled a Japanese gangster in Japanese after I stepped on his boot. I suspected he might be part of the infamous Yakuza. I had only played a few of the Yakuza games on the Playstation, so I wasn't confident in my ability to handle him if he called for backup. Still, Iknew that I couldnt let him insult my honor. I pulled my eye and stuck my tongue out at him like an animae character and turned tail and ran to a police officer down the street.
"Excuse me, officer?" I asked in Japanese, "that man there is a gangster, can you arrest him?"
"You idiot, that is Principal Kenshiro of Yagami High School."
ヾ(｡｀Д´｡)ﾉ彡☆ YARE YARE! (that means good grief!) Have I really insulted my school principal already!?
Principal Kenshiro approached and waved to the policewoman. "It's okay, officer, I'll take him from here." PK placed his migthy hand on my shoulder and it felt like it weighted as much as a sumo.
"Is he going to expell me? Is this the end of my adventure so soon?" I said out loud to myself, and he heard me so embarrassing.
"No son, you adventure is just getting started" ^_______^ he said smiling broadly like a proper wise kind senpai. "since you're late, you have to help the class president cleanse the school of evil spirits."
"SAY WHAAAAT?!" I yelled in English.
A cute girl in a school uniform walked out from the shadows. "My name is Sak… no that's too easy… my name is Kyutu. Grade 10 Class President."
"She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I have to make her mine." I acccidentaly said out loud again.
She blushed beet-red. "Baka gaijin!" she slapped me. "Don't be a pervert, foreign dog! I am already the girlfriend of the school baseball captain, Chado!"
This is just like America all over again, why did I even come here?
Chapter 2: Ghosts Aren't Real, so Why Do I Have to Help This Cute Girl Vanquish Them?
So… this is Chado… I said to myself. He'll be my arch-rival, and eventually Kyutu will realize I'm better than him and she'll fall in love with me!
"Idiot!" screamed Kyutu. "You're thinking out loud again!"
Crap I thought.
Chado threw back his head and laughed mightily. Like he wasn't intimidated by me. Like he was totally confident in his normal, happy relationship, and I wasn't actually the hero of the story destined to get the girl that I immediately fell in love with. Then he stepped over to Kyutu and said "i'll see you at my place later for dinner?"
Kyutu smiled cutely and said "y-yes" ^.^
Chado looked back over to me. Be careful with the ghosts. Just follow my girlfriend's instructions and you'll survive."
I turned toward Principal Kenshiro. "Sir ghosts are just a meme, right?"
"Not in Japan," he said seriously. In America, you're too busy lying down and watching cartoon-streaming services to see them, also you are tragically overweight. But our schools are OVERRUN with angery spirits. So we have an Elite Spirit-fighting squad in this school to keep things normal."
"I dont believe any of that," I said, forgetting my respect.
Principal Kenshiro seemed to have patience to spare for my ignorant foreign ways, and just smiled. Chado, however did not.
Chado grabbed my by the shirt and lifted me up even though I was taller than him, and he said to him, "My team lost our last game because our star pitcher was POSSESSED and committed SUICIDE. If you dont think this is serious, I can MAKE IT serious for you."
PK stepped in. "That is enough, Chado. I'll brief—oh I'm terribly sorry son, I haven't gotten your name.
"KONOKO! KONOKO KOSHIKAGE!" I said proudly.
"Hrm… T-that is not what is on your file..."
"…………………………………………….Peter Jenkins..." I blushed.
"He... just picked out a Japanese-sounding name?" whispered Kyutu.
"I see. Welcome to Yagami High, Peter. Kyutu, please take Peter with you and purify the school so we can get homeroom started."
"Yes sensei!" she said.
I stared at Chado as he walked away to the baseball field. As Kyutu and I walked into the school, I wondered if, even with my extreme training, I could be a match for him. I wondered if I helped Kyutu get rid of these ghosts that probably arent even real, she would acknowledge me. I wondered what she smelled like. What kind of panties she was wearing. I wondered a lot of things, and I wondered all of them out loud accidentally.
"FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!FOOLISH!" yelled Kyutu and she started slapping me over and over buT THEN SUDDENLY I heard a horrible moan.
"OOOOOOOOOOO watashi wa yūrei de, watashi wa furuete iru OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"ARA!!! it's a- a j-j-japanese ghost" （｀〇Д〇）
NO, wait it's probably just Chado or someone playing a prank… still if I can protect Kyutu, she'd probab—
"Idiot! Stop thinking out loud! The ghosts are REAL and you should forget about your feelings for me. You are some weeb who just wanted to come to Japan because you like anime. Chado is the perfect gentleman. Now stop being foolish and come with me, PETER."
It hurt, but I knew she was right. For now I'd have to forget about love and focus on whatever was moaning. We slowly slid open the door into freshman class-1, and what I saw shook me to my very core.
Chapter 3: Cute! I Want Her to Haunt Me!
Standing there in front of the chalkboard was an extra-pale girl with short hair and a school uniform writing gibberish with chalk. Or it could have been kanji or whatever, idk I cant read any of this stuff. She turned around and glared at us.
Is that the ghost?! C-cute! She might be even cuter than Kyutu! I thought to myself.
Kyutu unfurled… is that right, unfurled? 1 sec… oh, unrolled. unrolled a big scroll and japanese characters levitated off of it.
"Peter! Watch my back, I'm going to banish this spirit!" she shouted, and the ghost girl suddenly was frozen.
"Wait, maybe I can reason with her!" I said and I cut the scroll in half with my katana.
"IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL ARE U DOING!?" she cried.
I bowed at the ghost girl and sheathed my blade. "I am Konoko Kashikage. Please, will you be my girlfriend?"
The ghost girl continued glaring at me soundlessly. Kyutu was stunned silent. The ghost girl descended into the floor, and disappeared.
I did it! I thought to myself. I saved Kyutu and maybe now she'll want to be with me too as well as the ghost girl. It's only my first day and im already starting a harem! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و
"IDIOT!" Kyutu reached out to slap me, but she missed because something started pulling me through the floor. Prolly ghost girl.
"Oops. Help me!" I scried.
"FOOL! You destroyed my banishing scroll! There's nothing I can do!" still she grabbed my hands and pulled. M-maybe she really does care?
"NO IDIOT! As Class President, I am responsible for you!" and she heaved with all the might in her tiny, cute little body. But it wasn't enough. I was being pulled straight down.
My only regret is not having a qt3.14 azn gf. I thought out-loud as I accepted my death.
But THEN!
"Hold oN!" yelled Chado, and he whipped out his… what's the word for when you uncollapse something that's collapsible? Well anyway he extended his collapsible baseball bat that was glowing on FIRE and he said "BATUR UPU!!" and she swung it at the ghost girl's hands and she shriekd and let go.
"Chado you saved me!" I gasped. He pulled me to my feet with one arm effortlessly, further emasculating me.
"Just for now. she'll be back, and without the banishing scroll, we can't stop her," said Kyutu. "Idiot, that girl committed suicide because she was lonely and now you've asked her to be your girlfriend."
"So she wants to ???" （〃・ω・〃）
"Yeah, probably," said Chado. "Not a lot of people ask out ghosts."
"That's great!" I said, FINALYL! MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND! I THOUGHt out loud.
"Dumbass, you can't date a ghost."
"None of this matters, we have to finish purifying the school. There's still a handful more ghosts. Chado, I'm going to get extra scrolls from the faculty office incase Peter doe--
p-please, call me Konoko.
… in case he ruins any more of them. Please go with him and make sure he doesn't get into any trouble."
"Yes, Kyutu." he smiled at her. Theirs was genuine love. Peter, or Konoko or whatever, might have had a thing for asian girls because so many american women are trashy and loud and obnoxious and the modesty of nippon grills made them infinitely more endearing, and also western cartoons are trash and anime is for patricians and this all greatly fueled the delusional beliefs and desires which he projected on to asians in real life, but he was still a baka gaijin and the entire reason that Japan is so appealing is because PEOPLE LIKE PETER AREN'T THERE TO BEGIN WITH and if he had any self-awareness at all he'd understand he doesn't belong here. But who knows? Maybe he'll find his place in this ghost school after all. Maybe he can earn his place in Yagami High School. Maybe he really can become a ninja. Like what the hell was up with Chado's baseball bat?
"Chado, what's with your baseball bat?" Pet-- uh, Konoko, me, asked.
"Well Peter… have you ever seen Bleach?"
"please call me Konoko. Yes, I think you know that I have seen Bleach."
"This baseball bat is basically my Zanpakutō."
"NO. WAY." O___________O
"Way man. But not every student has one. You need to be important, like a team captain or on the student council… or the entire ghost-fighting team has their own."
"So i'll join the ghost-fighting team!"
"I don't know if the captain will let you, since you destroyed one of their banishment scrolls. Kinda a dumb thing to do."
"I'll talk it out with him! Who is it?!"
"I'll introduce you… they're probably working in the senior wing right now..."
Chado and I walked up the stairs and we heard fighting. I knew i'd soon be witness to a genuine anime battle. My heart started racing abd I drew my katana.
"Dude, please dont wave that thing around," Chado protested.
"dont worry, I'm experienced." I assured him, and I ran on ahead to facemy destiny, but then I tripped because the ghost girl grabbed me again. My blade fell from my hands across the floor. I looked down at her and my heart melted. So cute.
"CHADO HELP ME!" I yelled, kicking at her.
Chado called his shot and knocked her outta the park. "I dunno what you're going to do about that," he said. "She's never going to stop coming for you until she's banished. Maybe the captain can help you..."
those words spooken, a voice from behind said,
"AND WHY SHOULD I HELP YOU?"
I turned around and saw the new most beautiful onnanoko I've ever seen.
Chapter 4: Kana! You Have to Let Me Join Ghost-Fighting Team!
"Kana..." Chado said respectfully.
With my giant brain I instantly knew that this cute cute cute cute girl in front of me with her beautiful long black hair must be the leader of the ghost-fighting team. I immediately kneeled before … what do you mean thats now how kneled is wpelled? Knelt oh, I KNELT before her. No you know what I dont believe that kneeled isnt a word 1 sec. YEH it is, so wtf libreoffice. I kneeled before her and introduced myself.
"MY LADY! I am Konoko Koshikage, grade 10 transfer student! Please will you allow me on to your team?"
She glared at me, and did a spinning kick right into my face that I only just barely blocked becausse im very fast too but she was also fast so I barely blocked it and it sent my stumbling back.
S-SHE'S FAST! I thought to myself out loud
"Of course she's fast, Konoko, she's the only rival Kyutu has in this school," Chado said with a grin. h-hey, he called me konoko! ( ᐛ )و
"You're the gaijin who destroyed my banishment scroll. Do you know how much chakra I have to pour into those?" she said calmly but angrtily.
"I'm sorry, my lady, but I just wanted to help calm the angery ghosto and also get a cute girlfriend."
she went silent.
"That ghost is Ai- 1 sec I gotta get a list of japanese names here… ok, that her name is Ayumi. She was a member of my team. It hurts me to see her unable to pass on, and YOU'VE MADE IT EVEN HARDER FOR HER NOW."
She kicked out at me again, but this time it was Chado who blocked her and he took teh kick with his face with solemnly to show respect for her anger.
"Kana, I know exactly how you feel… I too lost a teammate recently… and this foreigner may be stupid, but he is strong and I think your team could use him now more than ever..."
Kana glared at him. For a second I thought she was going to kick him again, she seems really good at kicks. Girls who can kick high like that are so freakin hot I thought but I kept this thought to mysefl
after a minute she said "He can join…"
YES! I said and did a fist pump o(^▽^)o
"--ON THE CONDITION… that he defeats the ghost in the 3rd floor boys bathroom!!! and you cant help him, Chado, yo u have to help Hina up ahead, she's fighting the Janitor Ghost.!"
"Understood, Kana..."
whos hina I thought
"No sweat, so what kind of cute ghost do I have to seduce this time?"
Chad looked at me. I coudlnt tell if he felt scared or just sorry for me, idk it's hard to read macho men like Chado.
"The ghost up there is… the former gym teacher… the ghost who possessed my teammate..."
I was stunned. Could Chado really not interfere with such a personal mission? Is guess id find out.
"So can I have a new banishment scroll?" I asekd Kana.
"No, idiot. I dont have any extras on me. You'll have to find another way to defeat him."
"Chado, can I borrow ur baseball bat?"
"Its name is Hi bō and it wont let you use it. It's loyal to me. Anyway ive got to go help Hina! I'll catch up withyou!"
I wonder if Hina is cute.
"So what am I supposed to do? How can I stop a ghost gym teacher" I said.
"figure it out!" growled Kana, and she did an about-face and walked off, leavine me alone in the hall.
I found the stairs to the 3rd floor and prepared to face off against the ghost of a man whose profession involved physical fitness and now had ghost-powers. I prayed to budaa for safety with my prayer beads that I got on amazon dot com.
"It's show time" I said, and I kicked open the door of the boys room and was immediately picked up and choke-slammed through a stall door.
Chapter 5: I Always Hated PE Class!
I looked up in a hazy haze from the bathroom floor that I had just been slammed into. Standing before me was a gym teacher with gym teacher shorts and his calves were as thick as my entire body. He prepared to give me a kick that would send me into the next life or whatever the hell buddhists believe idk yet it's my first day of school
He raised his mighty tree-trunk leg to stomp me good, but then out of the floor the ghost of Ayumi appeared and he grabbed his foot and flipped him over.
>Tfw when ghost gf (•‾⌣‾•)و ̑̑♡
GO AYUMI GO!
But then the PE Teacher backhanded her and she flew through the wall, literally cuz shes a ghost. I was once again alone with the brute.
I drew my katana and sliced at him yelling "ARIGATO!" because I confused it with sayonara. The sword went through him without damaging him.
All hope seemed lost but then I remembered what Chado told me about his bat. It must have been able to knock out Ayumi because it was infused with mysticral engery, or, "Chakra". I knew wat I had to do >:|
I did the handsign for my custom homebrew jutsu that I created back in America, or ("Amerika") and I placed my hand on my katana and channeled all of my chakra into it. The gym teacher patiently waited, smirking at me like he was about to give me a failing grade just like my gym teacher in Amerika because I refused to participate in stupid Amerikan sports.
"JUTSU COMPLETE!" I yelled and I chucekd my katana at the pe teacher like a spear and he gasped and screamed. "AYIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he evaporated.
"Konoko, that was incredible," said Kana who had appeared at the door. Maybe she was checking on me because she was worried about me?
"Where did you learn those handsigns?" she demanded.
"I created them myself from what I learned watching Naruto," I said smugly.
"What is that, anime?" she asked, in a dismissive tone that offended me.
"ur japanese. How can u not know what naruto is?"
"Ignorant foreigner, I don't have time to watch CARTOONS, I am the captain of this school's ghost-fighting team."
"It's a shame, Kana," said Principal Yagami who has appeared. "You could learn a thing or two from the true-story of Naruto." he said.
"NANI?"
"have u seen the movie Prometheus or played Halo or watched that Ancient Aliens show or played Assassins Creed?" asked principal Yagami. It's all true, except Naruto and the Ninjas were the real precursors of humanity.
"that can't possible" Kana said. The shinobi ARE REAL?!
"I used to wonder about that myself. Thought it was a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. A magical power holding together good and evil, the Ying and the Yang. Crazy thing is... it's true. The Chakra. The Shinobi... All of it... It's all true," explained Yagami.
"Because you're a weeb, you possess an incredible and invaluable amount of knowledge. Watching anime has been forbidden in Nippon for a long time now because it was turning everyone into WORTHLESS NEETS. But now… well, it looks like you're the big man on compass.
I bowed.
"I vow to defend this school using my awesome jutsu."
"It's not enough. You'll need to learn more. And I can teach you. I will teach you to be… A NINJA. But you must still learn math and science because they are important."
"HAI!" I shouted (that means yes) ╭( ･ㅂ･)و ̑̑ ˂ᵒ͜͡ᵏᵎ⁾✩ I KNEW IT, I KNEW LITERALLY ALL OF MY WILDEST FANTASIES WERE REAL.
I turned to Kana.
"Kana, will you now allow me on your ghost-fighting team?"
She looked at me with a mixture of disgust and disdain and contempt. But she relented.
"Fine."
"The school has been cleansed of angry sprits for the time being. Both of you get to homeroom now."
"HAI! YAGAMI-SENSEI!"
Chapter 6: Why Do All My Classmates Hate Me?
"HAI! MY NAME IS KONOKO KASHIKAGE!"
"Why did you say ‘yes?'" a student asked.
"I was saying "hai", like "hi", not hai like hai" I explained. U see in America, we say hai to be cute.
"Yeah but surely it has more effect if you type it?" asked Kyutu.
Oh no, they're ganging up on me, the outsider, I realized. They're defending their homeland from an invader and are trying to bullycide me.
"What's wrong with this guy?"
"Is he talking to himself?"
"i need to speak with the school councilor" I announced. Kyutu facepalmed and walked me to the councilor.
"i do not feel welcome," I said.
"Kyutu, is it true that you are being cruel to our honored Amerikan guest?" asked Councilor Toyota.
"We didn't do anything, he was just being an idiot!" explained Kyutu.
"Until I am treated with the respect I deserve, I refuse to defend this school from ghosts." I explained.
"NANI?" exclaimed the councilor.
Kyutu pulled me aside.
"Idiot, most of the school doesn't know about the ghosts! Only the principal and a select few know so everyone doesn't get spooked!"
"You mean no-one can know how cool and heroic I am?" I cried.
"HAI." -_- said Kyutu with irony.
Kyutu explained to the councilor that I was just memeing and I walked back to class crestfallen. How could I survive my new school if I was just some loser gaijin? But then Ayumi appeared and gave me a ghost-hug. I forgot I had a ghost gf :3
"Ayumi cant be your gf, she's gotta go." Kana appeared and rained on my parade.
"but WHY" I said.
"She's a ghost."
"but she's a friendly ghost."
"I don't care. Ayumi, leave!" said Kana.
BUT then suddenly, the gym teacher ghost appeared again and punched Kana down the hall.
"oh."
He was never properly banished!
I've got to protect Ayumi and Kana even though she already got her clocked cleaned, I thought, drawing my katana which by the way is black. I infused it with extra spicy chakra.
"Ayumi, go find Kyutu and tell her we need a banishment scroll!" I ordered. I felt cool. I had this. The gym teacher pulled out a pair of boxing gloves from his mouth and put them on.
Ayumi nodded and disappeared and I prepared to duel the gym teacher.
Chapter 7: Coach! Please Stop Punching Students!
Konoko Kashikage, (that's me!) bravely stood before the swol PE teacher with his tree trunk legs and Machoke arms. Remember machoke the pokemo? He was that strong.
"I might not be able to banish you, sir, but I CAN hold you off," I said confidently and strongly.
The gym teacher ghost lunged forward with a horrifyingly right hook that would have surely killed me, but I ducked under it skillyful.
"You've left yourself open, I announced." and I sliced at him in slow-motion and he froze, stunned.
"It's over," I announced, and I sheathed my katana as evil blood explosioned out of him.
The ghostman fell down with the mighty thud but I knew that it actual wasnt over. he'd keep getting back up until he was banished with a banishing scroll.
ayumi, kyutu, pls hurry I thought as the gym ghost rose up to his feet. I panted. My last attack consumed a massive amount of my chakra. Dammit I thought.
The gym teacher approached me. I wasnt sure if I could dodge another one of his mighty attacks, but I didnt have to try because Kana flew past my face with a flying kick and it knocked the gym teacher ghost down yet again!
(I can't find anything connecting that last sentence to this next part, so let's just say Konoko only imagined Kana rescuing him.)
I was probably just about to get my ass beaten by the Gym Teacher Ghost when a small, furry (yiff in hell) blur crossed our paths, grabbing both of our arms before we could strike each other.
"Enough of this foolishness. BORKU HECKKU!" roared the smol, cloaked stranger, and he twisted the gym teacher's arm off, and slapped him across the face with it. He disappeared.
The little cloaked thing removed his hood, revealing a dog.
"I am the great dog spirit, uh… Otoyo. Fear me, gaijin."
But I did not fear him. For I was an anime expert and knew all aabout dog spirits. I bowed to him. He was obligated to return the jester
BUT HE DIDNT
instead, he beat me over the head with a staff shaped like a bone.
"You stupid american pigman, i bet you think this staff of mine is only shaped like a bone. I tore this bone out a giant golden evil god that your puny brain couldn't even comprehend. and you think you can make me bow to you?" he woofed.
I was taken aback.
"I- I'm sorry, sir."
"Don't call me ‘sir', pigman! Call me a good boy!"
"G-good boy?"
"That's better," he said as he spun around in circles before plopping down on to the floor. "Now, what do I call you?"
"K-konoko. Konoko Yoshikage, si– uh, good boy."
He eyed me suspiciously. I had so many questions.
"I will not answer any of your questions, gaijin. Answer me instead! Where is Ayumi?"
That's my ghost-girlfriend he's talking about!
"W-what's it to you, dog-face?"
He growled at me and it sent shivers down my spine. "Ayumi is my pupil, nerd. Tell me where she is! Now! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
Just then, Ayumi returned with Kyutu. The dog spirit howled in despair.
"OH NOOOO, she's a ghoooooooost! AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he awooed sadly.
"It's true," said Kyutu. "Ayumi is a ghost now. And she cannot be freed because Peter asked her to be his girlfriend.
"And who the fuck is Pete– oh." The dog looked at me. There was so much disgust in his eyes I could feel it pouring out and digesting me.
"My favorite student, dead. And she cannot pass from this world because of you. What a miserable day."
I expected him to bite me, but he just started howling again.
"It's all my fault! If I hadn't been chasing my tail, I could've saved her!"
lol even ghost dogs chase their tai–
"Baka gaijin, I bet you think I was foolishly chasing my own tail in circles. But my tail was stolen from me by a tricky sneaky bastard fox spirit. Without it, I am weak. And he is too fast for me to catch!"
I knew what I had to do.
"I'LL catch the fox spirit!" I proudly announced. "IF you take me on as your new pupil!"
He looked at me like this: -______-
"SOrry nerd, I only teach tomboys now. I'm far too old to be spending extended amounts of time with people who aren't cute."
Kyutu spoke up this time. "OTOYO, THAT'S NOT FAIR. I'm cute and I'm not a tomboy!"
He growled.
"That might be true, but with your long hair, you are NOT AERODYNAMIC ENOUGH AND THEREFORE UNABLE to learn my FOUR-LEGGED FOX-CATCHER TECHNIQUE."
"Then teach me, doggo-sensei," spoked a cute voice from the stairway. Up walked the most cutefur giru i've ever seen.
"Hina…" said Kyutu.