HP

Cosmic Horror

"you shouldnt have bullied me, Malfoy..." growled HP Longbottom the famous Hufflepurff writer of "Cosmic Horror"

Cosmic Horror is the best kind of horro r because it acknoweldgess that if gods existed (they do not, scientifically speaking) then they wouldnt care about us at all because theyd be so big and we'd be like ants to them.

i always laugh whenever i see christians talk about how much their magical skydaddy loves them lmao. try reading a little HP Longbottom, and then you'll realize just how insignificant you really are.

"MALFOOOOOOY!!!" screamed Longbottom, and he used the Sword of Grifindor to perform Balrog's Gambit from the Lord of the Rings game. (TW: do not read lord of the rings, it was written by a Catholic, the movies are racist too, AVOID)

Balrog's Gambit was simple enough to perform. It was one of the first combos that Neville "HP" Longbottom had learned when he began training with the blade. Simple, but incredibly effective. It consisted of a quick horizontal slash at the opponent's chest, followed by a shove before they could recover, and a powerful uppercut-slash to seal the deal. It was a risky manuever to pull off if there were other enemies around, since either the shove or the vertical slash could be interrupted from the side. Thankfully HP Longbottom had found Malfoy all alone at his locker, with no-one to help him!

Malfoy was dead on the ground in an instant. it was worth the price in house points that would be deducted from Hufflepuff to take out Slytherin's MVP this early in the year.

"Heh, looks like another weakling couldnt hang... this isnt little kid hogwarts anymore, this is Hogwarts University, wehre we learn advanced magic," said Ron Weasley, brandishing his roman gladius.

"Check yourself, Weasely," said Longbottom, the big man on campus. "I dont wanna see that thing out of its shethe unless youre asking for a duel. swords are my domain., and im not going to tolerate anyone challenging me--even if youre not intending to. i hope you understand, because im not giving you a choice and im not going to repeat myself." Longbottom said all of this while he was writing a new piece of lore into his Necronomicon:

The Great Old One, Cthulu was like g*dzilla, but had a tentacle face and bat wings. he could make you go insane just by LOOKINg at him. that's how big and unbeliebablbe he was. human minds are so stupid and weak they cant even comprehend how cosmically insignificant we are. and thats why HP Longbottom wanted to become a writer, so he could change society for the better and get rid of bullies who who have human-centric views and no empathy.

"Sorry, HP," said Ron Weasely, sheathing his blade. "I got a little too excited, i respect you as the swordsman of the school. if you ever need my blade though--"

"you know i dont"

"of course."

anyway HP Longbottom was late for his favorite class... Potions class...

Explotions Class

"Neville!" cried Hermione Grander, his girlfriend(female)

"What do you want, woman?" asked HP Lovebottom.

"I want you to explain to me why Draco Malfoy is lying dead in the middle of the hallway on the 3rd floor in front of the FORBIDDEN CORRIDOR," growled Hermione.

HP Longbottom perked up. he liked it when Hermione tested his patience. she was the only one who could, because she was SO tight it was unbelievable. when HP stole Hermione from Ron, he was amazed at how tight she was. Ron must have had such a shrimpy little dick lmao.

"If i told you, id have to kill you too lol" Neville teased, giving her a gentle choke. Hermione's panties couldnt contain her excitement and HP Longbottom ordered Ronald, little baby dick Ronald, to go get a mop.

"anyway Mai, i killed Draco because he gave me attitude. also he was a bully to me back when he still could. all those years ago at Hogwarts 1.

Mai was what Neville AKA HP Longcraft called his girlfriend Hermione because Hermione is such a stupid name with too many syllables so it's unpleasant to say, so HP always just called Her Mai.

"Now get out of here, Mai. The Slytherins are gonna be looking for revenge. I wouldnt be surprised if they came after one of our Freshmen," said Longcraft. "Tell the other Griffs to stay alert. Let my lieutenants know to be on MAXIMUM war-anxiety level.

Mai nodded and skipped away. Ronald came back with the mop and began mopping up her juice.

"Ron, I might yet need your gladius today after all. I hope you're better with it than you are with that broom."

"it's a mop."

"I dont remember asking, but just be ready for the worst. Draco Malfoy was their best duelist, no doubt about it. But that's not how Slytherins roll. we both know that. they prefer the hidden blade, the poison. they fancy themselves a bunch of Italians or Jews. But we'll show them the Anglo spirit yet, won't we?

Ron nodded.

"Well, I will, you redheaded fairy. But I'm sure you'll be of some use yet. Drop the broom, let's get to work on our fortifications. Come with me to Potions class and we'll strategize."

Ron looked at him. "But I've got Charms class on the 5th floor."

HP Longbottom looked at him, sighed, and reached into his satchel to take out his Necronomicon.

"WAIT!" cried Ronald, "I'm sorry, let's go, of course you're right."

Ron dropped his broom(mop) and the two went down into the Dungeons of Hogwarts U., to meet with their oldest and greatest ally: Professor Snape.

Science. Logic. Reason. Atheism. These are the ingredients of the perfect potion.

HP Lovebottom loved Potions class because it was as cool and calculating as he was. no room for emotion, only FACTS, and cold hard data.

"Before you enter my classroom," said Severus Snape, "You must receive your temporary booster to immunize yourself from Mugglepox.

the Mugglerona Virus AKA Mugglepox was a horrifying new disease that stripped Witches and Wizards of their magic, rendering them Muggles, or People of No Magic. No magical person wanted to catch it, but it was considered INSANELY racist to think that there was something wrong with being a Muggle, so Severus Snape was actually a gigantic bigot for having his students take this shot.

"HP Longbottom," said Snape. "I heard you killed Malfoy."

"I don't regret it," said Longbottom.

"Nor should you. He was gay, and a superspreader of Mugglepox," droned Snape, bored. "I'm glad he's dead to be honest, because i was going to have to do something about him myself. Too many innocent witches and wizards have contracted Mugglepox."

"Well we've got an even bigger problem now, ser," ssaid HP. "the Slytherins arent gonna take LMaofoy's death lightly, they're going to retaliate. They wont DARE to come after Hufflepuff House as long as im in charge. but Mai's just a girl, a FEMALE, she cant defend Griffyindor on her own. so i know that's what those slimy serpents are going to target."

"You're right," said Snape. "Here, take this potion."

Snape handed HP Lovecraft what appeared to be an old-timey looney toons bomb.

"What is this professor?"

"Blasting powder. The highest tier of Potions. Hide that in the Slytherin common room while there's a bunch of students in it. light the fuse using your Incendio spell and run away. The blasting powder will take care of the rest."

HP Longbottom smiled. "I love it, thank you professor."

Snape smiled back. but then he frowned when he looked at Ron Weasely. "Weasely what are you doing here?"

"He's with me sir," said HP.

Snape gave Ron a look of like "dude youre luck that this cool guy is vouching for you otherwise id slam you into a locker right now"

HP turned to Ron "Ron, go put this bomb in the Slytherin common room. Make sure it's nice and crowded, ok? im gonna head to my room and work on my book."

"W-what?"

THEY SAY THAT THE TINY HUMAN BRAIN CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM HOW COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT IT IS, IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. BEHIND THE VEIL OF HUMAN ARROGANCE LIES THE UNIVERSE: COLD, DARK, BROODING, HATEFUL. THE MIGHTY ANCIENTS WHO'VE INHABITED THE STARS-- THE STAR CHILDREN-- THEY THINK OF HUMANS AS NOTHING BUT MERE COWS, WHO EXIST ONLY TO BE FARMED. wrote HP Longbottom.

Hermione Granger was SQUIRMING with desire. she was head over heels in love with Neville's intellectt. She was sexually attracted to intelligence. This is know as Sapiosexuality, and is itself a sign of EXTREMELY high intelligence, and not only that but also high empathy. You might say that she had superpowers EVEN MORE POTENT than her ability to use magic. It was why she did not fear the Mugglepox, and indeed even embraced it. But HP had forbidden her from attending a "gift giving" party that Malfoy had hosted to spread the gift to as many witches and wizards as possible.

rumor has it... that was the real reason why Neville had killed Malfoy. And by using such a forbidden technique, no less... he must really love and care bout Mai. or at least not want to get an std from her.

Diversity was the greatest strength of Hogwarts University, so any student from any house was allowed in any other house's common room. Well, officially anyway. but house-segregation was the true, unspoken rule. And if there ever appeared any of those creepy subversive types talking about "progress" in the form of "let me into your common room", the Big Dogs, the Chiefs of the Houses would step in and beat the crap out of him before his mind-virus could take root in their houses.

But Malfoy was dead. ANd no-one had the balls to stop Ron Weasley, HP Longbottom's Top Guy, from strolling right into their common room. He put his backpack down and sat on the couch. the nerve of this guy! If Malfoy were here... grr...

"Well," said Ron Weasley. "I just wanted to stop in to uh, pay my condolences. So uh... sorry..." he rustled through his backpack for a second. "I brought some flowers-- oh damn, i forgot them. Sorry, ill be right back..."

Ron Weasley quickly ran through the door of the coomon room and out into the hallway. A young Slytherin boy, a mere freshman-- a handsome tan lad with a zoomer haircut and his whole life ahdead of him--had suspected something, but when he went over to look in Ron's backpack, he only caught the briefest of looks at the black sphere that shattered, scattered, and splattered his mortal coil, and the mortal coils of every other Slytherin in the room.

it was a big blow to Slytherin House. HP Longbottom smirked as he penned the finale' of his chapter in his Necronomicon:

AND SO, JUST AS THEY WERE BORN FROM MEANINGLESS CLUMPS OF CELLS, SO HAVE THEY RETURNED TO THEM, WHILE THE ANCIENT ONES JUST LAUGH AND NOT CARE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL MERE DUST IN THE COSMIC WINDS. THEY WILL SURELY BE MISSED, BUT NOT BY THE UNIVERSE AND NOT BY ME!

HP lONNGbottom laughed so hard and he pet black his magical cat which was sleeping in his lap.

"I cant' get up, this cat is too cute i love it," he said. "my precious little [i couldnt decide between a number of funny racial slurs + man/boy/etc.]---if only humans could be more like cats...

"HP are you coming to bed?" asked Hermione.

"No, ill be sitting at my desk today and continuing my great cosmic horror book AND SO AS THUNDER STRUCK AND THE EYEBALLS OF THE MAN BOILED IN FEAR, IT APPEARED TO HIM AT LAST HOW MEANINGLESS AND STUPID EVERYTHING REALLY WAS., AND THEN HIS BODY EXPLODED IN A FEAST OF GORE."

Hearing such incredible geniusba, Hermione Granger didnt even NEED him to come to bed. 😩🌊

Goy's Awakening

ACTING ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR, TURN YOUR BACK ON MOTHER NATURE, EVERY BODY WANTS TO RULE THE WOOORLD

HP Longbottom sang his heart out the following night at the Huffle-Griff Karaoke, a bi-monthly meeting of the two allied houses, where they rekindled their friendships through song.

everyone cheered and clapped for HP because he was as good of a singer as he was a writer.

but then...

"What are you doing here, Boyle?" growled Hermione at Malfoy's #2, who'd crashed the party. unfortunately it was the last thing she ever said.

"AVADA KEDAVARA!!!" screamed Boyle as he -- wait a minute his name is actually Goyle lmao i though that was just me being, you know. but no, it really is Goyle. Okay, so Goyle shot his flashing green load right into Mai's face, and she collapsed onto the floor. Dead.

"HERMIIIIONEEEEEE!" screamed HP Longbottom, and he threw the karaoke mic at Goyle's head, but Goyle ducked and cast another another killing curse! AVADA DENUVO! An Area-of-Effect(AoE) killing curse that was like a 360 degree scattergun, and cleared almost the entire room, except a few who were lucky enough to duck in time!

"AT WAS FER MALFOOOOY!" laughed Goyle and he ran away out of the Karokae Bar, Hogsmeoke.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed HP Longbottom, clutching his stone-dead girlfriend. "SHE'S DEAD!!!!!"

"HP," said the ghost of Hermione. "I'll always be with you."

"NO YOU WONT!" shrieked HP Longbottom, shoving her. "GHOSTS ARENT REAL, THAT'S HIGHLY ILLOGICAL. YOU'RE JUST A HALLUCINATION CAUSED BY STRESS OR MAYBE SOME KIND OF MOULD IN THIS ROOM!!!"

"No HP, I'm a ghost, but I'm in limbo because I didn't accept Je--"

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT NAME" hissed Longnevile, shielding himself like a vampyr.

"HP, Goy's JUST getting started. He's going to start killing every last Hufflepuff and Gryffindor he can, and only YOU can stop him."

"I know that you're right," said HP Longbottom and he took out the sword of Gryiffindor.

"Not so fast, HP," said... HARRY POTTER!? "You're not a Grydinor anymore, so that sword isnt yours to wield. ANd Harry took out his OWN sword, a katana infused with Fiendfyre!!!

HP Longbottom smirked as his face transformed into a swarming mass of tentacles.

kk im going insane becuse the script i wrote to add paragraph tags to this for some reason is triggered whenever i hit the J key. so i gotta go because i am LITERALLY about to LITERALLY go insane so htats the end of this chapter.

will Harry duel HP Longbottom? Who will win? Only the Ancient Old Ones of the Cold Dark Cosmos know the future, and they wont divulge theeir secrets!

Harry's Dilemma

"LONGBOTTOM!" screamed Harry Potter. "GIVE ME THE SWORD OF GRIFYINDOR, OR ELSE, I'LL... I'LL.."

"You'll what?" shrieked HP LOngbottom even MORE loudly, and he took out his Necronomnicon. Horrified, Ron Weasely plugged up his ears as best as he could as HP Longbottom began reading the terrifying cosmic tome!

"THE UNIVERSE IS COLD AND UNCARING. IT DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, HARRY POTTER!" screamed HP Neville. "AND SO WHEN YOUR GUTS ARE SPLATTERED ACROSS THIS HALLWAY, YOU'LL ONLY THEN REALIZE JUST HOW MEANINGLESS YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE REALLY WAS. DO YOU HEAR THE RATS IN THE WALLS? THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU, HARRY! HOGWARTS IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOUR PUNY BRAIN CAN EVEN IMAGINE: AND IT'S JUST A SPECK OF DUST IN THE EVEN LARGER UNIVERSE, A UNIVERSE OF HUNGRY RATS AND YOU ARE MERELY THE--"

"HARRY!" cried Ron Weasley. "Just give up before you go insane, he's too powerful!"

At this point, Harry Potter shot Neville Longbottom in the head with his Beretta M9, his most treasured side arm.

"Rest in peace, Neville," said Harry Potter sadly.

"Harry!" cried the Wease. "It's a good thing that you were able to overcome the cosmic horror and kill HP before he drove you insane with how insignificant you are!

"Yeah, thanks I guess Ron, I dont really care. Where's your sister btw??" questioned the Boy Who Lived.

"My sister? Why do you want to know that?" asked Ron timidly.

Harry just stared at him. "Ronald, where is your sister?"

"She's out at Hogsbucks with Cho Chang..." Ron whimpered.

"Thank you, Ron. See, you can be useful after all. Sorry Hermione got killed btw. I guess she wasnt really YOUR girlfriend anymore, but I reckon you still had feelings for her, so that sucks."

Ron nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, I uh, guess. Thanks."

Harry patted him on the head like a dog, and started going. Then he turned back for a sec. "Ron. It's your fault that she's dead, you know," Harry said. Then he turned away and left to go find Ginny and Cho Chang.

Ron collapsed and started crying.

Harry Potter had no real interest in killing Goyle to avenge Hermione. Hermione was AIGHT, but quite frankly, Harry really just didnt care. He cared about other things. Like Quidditch. Other people. Like Ginny. Like Cho. Ron would have to cope with this loss by himself, and if he chose to seek vengeance? Well, more power to him. He wouldnt get any help from Harry.

Harry carefully placed the Sword of Grydifnoer back in his secret hiding spot-- how HP Neville had ever found it was a mystery to him. but then! He was visited by the ghost of Hermione!

"Harry..." moaned Ghostmione.

"Hey Hermione. Good to see you," Harry said, not even looking at her, but continuing getting dressed to go out to Hogsbucks and meet up with his 2 favorite girls.

"Harry, I need your help. Neville's in Hell."

"That doesn't surprise me," said Harry. "But what do you want me to do about it?"

"Save him, Harry. Please. Or else... or else Voldemort might return."

"Huh?"

"Look at the 'Necronomicon' that Neville was writing in," said Hermione sadly.

Harry sighed, walked back downstairs to Neville's corpse, and looted his satchel.

"Ah, I see," said Harry.

HP Longbottom's Necronomicon was another one of Voldermort's Toilet Diaries. By writing in it, he must have been fueling Voldemort in the afterlife.

"So what's the sitch?" asked Harry. "Is Voldemort powerful enough to come back yet?"

"Not yet," said Hermione. "I've been watching him, because he's on the other side of limbo, where all the real sickos go, and he's starting to do some jumping jacks and stuff, it's very scary but he doesnt appear to be THAT powerful yet.

"OK, well just keep an eye on him. I'll destroy Neville's stupid book."

"Harry no, HP Longbottom's Necronomicon can only be destroyed by using the blood of STAR CHILD, one of the great OLD ONES who --"

"You mean like those stupid tentacle monsters and stuff, the "incomprehensible" cosmic horrors?" asked Harry, flipping through the boring and not-scary book.

"Yes! and only HP LONGBOTTOM knows how to summon them!"

"Okay, well I'm gonna go to Hogsbucks becase this isnt really my problem anyway. If Voldemort comes back, I'll kill him again, so I dont see the point of chasing after giant monsters. Not that I'm scared, I just really sincerely do-not care and i dont have the time. OK Hermione? Neville, or 'HP Longbottom' if you want to call him that stupid name-- he deserves to be in Hell anyway."

But HARry!" cried Hermione.

"Kk, ttyl Hermione," said Harry, and he appaderated outside.

"Not so fast, 'Arry," said GOYLE, and he beaned Harry in the back of the head with a brick.

An Uneasy Alliance

hol up-- ok the script's working again.

"Where am I?" demanded Harry Potter, who now had a bag over his head.

"BEHOLD!" screamed Goyle, and he took off Harry's bag, and behold! they were in the sewers.

"Why are we in the sewers?" asked Harry, "And why am I tied to a chair? Goyle you better start providing me with some damn-good explanations, or when I untie myself in about 10 seconds from now, I'm going to beat you so bad the police wont even let your parents see your body. I will wear my fists down to the bone.

"Harry pelase calm down," said Goyle. "I need your help."

"Yeah I'm hearing that a lot recently."

"Harry, I know that Ghost-Hermione visisted you and told you about Voldemort and the Necronomicon. But what she didn't tell you, and maybe you remember it, is that NEVILLE HIMSELF is a star child! Remember when his face started growing tentacles? You kinda just ignored it and shot him."

"Yeah of course I remember that."

"Well NEVILLE IS STILL ALIVE, HARRY!" groaned Goyle. "And he's going to keep killing Slytherins until the House Cup is secured for Hufflepuff!"

"Who gives a shit about that?"

Goyle fell to his knees. "Harry... the winner of this year's House Cup will be given an entire year of TOTAL IMMUNITY from all University rules, laws, bi-laws, and sub-laws. Neville will be able to do anything he wants, to anyone, without fear of being expelled!

"I still don't care."

"Harry, he's going to go after GINNY and CHO CHANG because you humiliated him!"

"Ok, I'll kill him. Where is he now?"

"So you agree to team up with me and the Slytherins, Harry?"

"To kill Neville?"

"HP Longbottom, Harry. The 'Neville' we knew is dead. If he ever really existed in the first place..."

Harry finished untying himself. "Work on your knotsmanship, Goyle. Now that Malfoy's dead, what good are the Slytherins anyway? I'll admit it was kinda cool that you killed an entire room of people by yourself, but quite frankly, I could do that in my sleep.

Goyle looked at him with very great seriousness.

"Harry, it's time that I told you the SECRET of Slytherin House..."

The Secret of Slytherin

"Ok, what's the secret of Slytherin House?" asked Harry Potter.

"Slytherin House was founded by Salazar Slytherin in order to combat the GREAT OLD ONES."

"Interesting," said Harry.

"Yeah," agreed Goyle. "That's the real reason why HP Longbottom cowardly assassinated Malfoy-- because he knew that Malfoy suspected him of being a Star Child. Slytherins are like a secret society of vampire hunters, except we hunt aliens. Get it?"

"Goyle," said Harry, rubbing his temples. "So what?"

"Harry, us Slytherins have access to tools and magics that are unknown to all the other Houses, and the wizarding community at large. Because they can't be trusted, they're all compromised by the Cult of Dagon. Why do you think we're always being targeted by the Ministry of Magic AKA the Ministry of "Let Muggles Fuck Your Daughters So You Lose All Your Magical Powers?"

"What is the Cult of Dagon?" asked Harry.

"That doesn't matter rn tbh," said Goyle. "The point is, Voldemort is actually a pretty good guy, he was just trying to save Wizards and Humanity as a whole really. The Ministry of Magic is trying to get rid of any resistance to the invasion of the OLD ONES, who see us as nothing but cattle."

"I see," said Harry. "So it's really not a big deal that the Necronomicon Toilet Diary was bringing Voldemort back to life? It's actually a good thing?"

"Yeah basically," said Goyle.

"Okay," said Harry. "You should tell Ghost-Hermione this, because she wants me to stop Voldemort from returning."

"Harry, Hermione's stupid, she doesn't even know any of the lore, and it doesn't matter what she thinks or wants because she's dead anyway," said Goyle, signaling for Harry to follow him.

Goyle led Harry into an armory. It was guarded by some Slytherins Harry had seen around before. All across the walls were hung 3D-printed assault-style wands, capable of casting killing curses at 120 rounds per second.

Harry wasn't really that impressed. "Goyle, this is cool, but I don't really need any of this. I'm the Boy Who Lived. Plus I just did some custom mods to my wand, and it's way more powerful than any of these anyway."

"You're right Harry," admitted Goyle. "BUT. Go through THAT room, and you'll enter our Secret Library, where we have all kinds of curses that are especially designed for fighting the eldritch monstros--"

"GOYLE I DONT CARE," yelled Harry. "Take me to Hogsbucks NOW, I've got to make sure Ginny and Cho, especially Cho btw, are OK. You said yourself Neville would be after them."

Goyle smirked. "Don't worry about THAT, Harry. We've got our best man currently keeping HP Longbottom bussy."

"Bussy?"

"Busy."

"Your best man is dead, Goy," sighed Harry. "Neville KILLED Malfoy, remember?"

Goyle smirked so brilliantly that even Harry was impressed. "Malfoy was just faking it. He's got some of those stupid things that keep you from dying," he said.

"Horcruxes?" asked Harry. "Wow, that's good thinking. So where are the two of them now?"

As if to answer, they heard screaming coming from above them.

"NOOOOOOOOO MALFOY, PLEASE DONT!"

"GET IN THE STALL, NEVILLE!"

There was a flush, and Harry and Goyle knew then that Malfoy had given HP Longbottom a swirly.

The war had begun...

Nearly-Headless Neville

after Malfoy was doone torturing HP Longbottom by giving him swirlies and noogies and indian burns on his arms, he finally trapped him in a locker with one of the Weaseleys' Wizard Wheezes Patented Magic Stink bombs, which, because they are magic, are 1000x worse even than that "liquid ass" stuff that the retarded kids used to spray in school-- btw im also just putting it out there, not as part of the story, this is the author speaking now, the inventors of "liquid ass" literally deserve to be killed for inventing and selling that product. im being serious, this isn't a joke, im not laughing, the faggot """engineer""" who """invented""" his stupid fucking shit-spray that I had to smell every other day in middle and high school, deserves to b[whoops, lost my cool a little too much. what i wrote here, they still deserve though, im just not going to make you read it.]

"malfoooooy, let me out, pleeeeeeease!" wept HP Longbottom, literally almost dying from the smell.

"What's the matter, Neville?" laughed Malfoy. "I thought you were just meaningless star stuff, right? The Weasley Wheeze you're inhaling right now is just a drop in a vast ocean of cosmic insignificance."

Ron Weasley felt a little bad providing the tools to torture the guy he used to cling to, but he was much like his pet rat: a rat. small, cowardly, disloyal. He kept at a safe distance from the two of them, just staring at the floor, and only approached when Malfoy demanded he hand him a new instrument from his torture bag.

"Maaaaaallllllfooooooyyyyyyyy pleeeeeeaseeeeeeeee" Neville wept.

Malfoy opened the locker and yanked him out. He held his wand up to his throat, and also a knife.

"Now you're going to come with me, and tell Professor Snape, and everyone else, that you LIED about me being gay and spreading Mugglepox. You're going to ADMIT that it was YOU the entire time, you filthy little liar.

At the prospect of suffering such humiliation, and no-longer at the mercy of the Weasley stench, HP suddenly grew bold again.

"And what if I don't?"

Malfoy stabbed and carved up Neville Longbottom's throat like it was a Halloween pumpkin. It was like that scene in Breaking Bad that made me start yelling racial slurs. You know, the one with the box cutter.

It could be argued that HP Longbottom actually deserved it though-- like those guys that made liquid ass btw-- for he truly HAD lied about Malfoy and ruined his reputation with everyone but the Elite Slytherin Inner-Circle Praetorian Guard, who knew that HP Longbottom was actually an eldritch monstrosity, and even if they didnt know that, they knew Malfoy wasnt gay because on his downtime from being On the Hunt or in class, he was always sharing pictures of anime girls in the group chat.

Anyway, when Malfoy was done almost completely sawing through Neville's throat, Harry Potter caught up with him.

"Malfoy," said Harry.

"Potter," said Malfoy.

The two grasped hands. To Harry's surprise, Malfoy pulled him in for a strong hug.

"Welcome aboard, my brother," said Malfoy, holding tight. "We wont let them replace us."

Harry squeezed back. "I'm with you, Draco. We'll teach these cosmic libtards a thing or two."

Suddenly, they heard a moan. They turned in (cosmic) horror to find HP Longbottom was standing back up, with his head so-far cut backwards that it was as if the bottom of his chin were his face.

And indeed, it was. For there were dozens of small eyeballs there.

"Rlyeth Kathu! Dindue Thulay!" the creature croaked at them.

Harry and Draco AKA Drake were both probably more-than tough enough to take on this low-level monstrosity, but it just caught them so off-guard that they flipped out and started running.

When they got to the end of the hall, they slammed the doors shut and locked them with whatever is the reverse Alohamora spell.

"That was a close one," panted Drake.

"Yeah," agreed Harry. "Wait a tick... RON'S still in there!"

Weasethlhu

What Draco Malfoy did at that moment would always be remembered as one of the GREATEST acts of pure heroism that had ever taken place at that stupid school 1 sec im dehyrated

you know who wasnt dehydrated? Ron Weasley! Because Nearly-Headless Neville was DROWNING him in the luxurious hot tub in the prefecc bathroom!

GLUGUGUGUGURRUUUOOOOAHUUGUUGUUGUGUU!

"I'LL SAVE YOU WEASLEY, EVEN IF UR A RACE TRAITOR!" cried Malfoy, barging in, and lunging onto Neville. He pulled him off of Ron, but ALAS. HP Longbottom had evolved like a pokemon because he got Experience Points (XP) from drowning Ron, even though he was interrupted!

"HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" hissed HP Longbottom, reeeeeeeling on the Malf. "Do not come between the starchild and his prey."

Malfoy kicked HP Longbottom, AKA Nearly-Headless Neville, now nearly fully-evolved into Nevillelarthotep. Malfoy kicked him as hard as he could between the legs, but Neville just started cackling.

"im a star child, Dracoooooooo," he HISSSSSSED. "I HAVE NO TESTICLESSSSS."

As Neville lurched forward, arms oustretched, to embrace Malfoy with a bear hug of death, an axe suddenly fell down on his headneck, hitting him right in his eldritch eyeballs, and causing him to start dancing around flailing his arms and screaming all kinds of vulgarities.

"Ron, you saved me!" said Malfoy.

"No..." said Weasethlhu. "I'm saving you for MYSELF" anAD THEN ron lunged at Draco with ANOTHER axe as tentacles and eyeballs exploded from his face!

Malfoy dodged ducked dipped dived and dodged out of the prefect bathroom, reverse-alohomoraing the door shut and locking HP and Ron in there together. Harry arrived then.

"What happened?"

"Ron's been converted," said Malfoy.

Draco's Decision

from the bathroom, they could hear a hideous scream.

"DONT SAY IVE BEEN CONVERTED, THAT HAS A RELIGIOUS IMPLICATION, IVE BEEN ENLIGHTENED TO THE SCIENTIFIC MINDSET OF THE COSMOS. THE COSMOS IS SO VAST AND UNIMAGINABLY LARGE YOU CANT EVEN FATHOM HOW TINY THE EARTH IS COMPARED TO THE SUN, AND YOU HAVE THE EGO TO ASSUME THAT YOU MATTER? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! IM LAUGHING AT YOU!!!!!!" Ron shrieked at them.

"What should we do, Malfoy?" asked Harry. "Should we go in and put him out of his misery? I'm new to all this, I'm only used to killing normal people and banging hot girls."

"Me too, Harry," said Malfoy, "I love banging hot girls. But yeah, I'm used to this cosmic horror stuff, so you can just leave it to me. Go meet up with Cho Chang and Ginny and make sure they're okay. It's possible that Nearly-Headless Neville has minions around the campus already. That bathroom door is made of solid pewter, which is highly toxic to star children, so Ron and Neville should be trapped in there basically as long as we want them to be."

"Okay, sounds good Draco."

"Hey... you called my by my first name..." said Draco, blushing.

"Oh, sorry," said Harry, blushing back.

"No, I ... it's okay... I kind of like it,"said Draco.

The two of them blushed and looked away. Neither of thm were really gay, but there was definitely some kind of tension there.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go find Cho and Ginny," said Harry, and he pulled out his wand.

"Harry," said Draco, "be careful. I'll find Snape, he'll know of a good way to get rid of these 2 monsters safely. I'll post a few Slytherins here to guard them. After you make sur the girls are safe, it'd be cool if you could rally the Grifyindors, and tell them the truth. We need all the help we can get. Slytherin's sufffered in the dark for so long..."

"Our SIlent protectors... just like the Rangers in Lord of the Rings..." said Harry.

"Yeah. but i dont think Gryindors are like Hobbits, I think you guys are Men, and we're like Elves."

Harry nodded. But he'd never felt like more of a helpeless Hobbit in his whole life. Plus, if the Slytherins were Elves, that'd make the Ravenclaws Dwarves and that didnt seem right. Obviously hte Hufflepuffs were the real Hobbits.

Draco knew exactly what Harry was thinking and smiled. "Yeah, the Ravenclaws are pretty cool, and not Dwarflike. God, look at us, we're such Tolkien nerds lol"

"THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Neville and Ron in unison from the toilets.

"Okay Harry, we'll split up and meet back here in 3 hours," said Draco. "Let's go!"

Harry bolted away to make sure cho and ginny were safe from the star minions. But Draco had kept a secret. He knew that Snape would just tell him to handle it himself. Snape was a level-30 Eldritch Executioner, and was too busy to be dealing with low-level wimps like Neville and Ron. So Draco WAS going to handle it himself... with his secret weapon.

Draco transformed into a basilisk and pushed open the door. Neville and Ron had reverted to human-form, thinking that they'd be in there for a while. In a way, they were right. they'd be in there for a while. as corpses.

Basilisk-Draco unhinged his jaw, and re-hinged it and sunk his teeth into both of them with one mighty bite. They shrieked in pain and terror as he injected them with his special venom that Snape had made for him. It caused nightmarish hallucinations like Scarecrow's fear toxin. also, death.

They spazzed out and started convulsing and they lost consciousness, and Draco let them go, knowing that they'd kill each other when they woke up, perceiving the other to be an enemy. He left the bathroom just in the nick of time.

"Hi Draco!" giggled Pansy Parkinson, "what were you doing in the bathroom?"

Draco groaned. "What do you think I was doing in the bathroom, you idiot? Get away from me, don't talk to me." He went to go look for Harry to make sure he was OK.

Hey Moon

Draco caught up with Harry just in time to stop him from having sex with Ginny and Cho Chang.

"Harry, wait!" said Draco, tugging his shoulder back.

"Draco, what are you doing?!" cried Harry.

"Harry, you can't trust girls!" explained Draco. "They'e under the influence of the Moon Presence."

Harry gaped. "The Moon Presence?"

"Yeah," explained Draco, shooting Ginny and Cho with sleeping darts. "I didn't tell you this, but I can turn into a basilisk. And I just bit Neville and Ron. And I tasted something familiar. Something scary that I've only ever tasted once before, when I first became a shapeshifter."

"Why'd you bite them?"

"To kill them, but it didn't work, let me finish. It didn't work because they're the minions of an extremely p.. this is so stupid... ok they're minions of a giant eldritch being that lives inside the moon and the only thing that can kill him is werewolves, because they have a stronger moon-affinity, or a sun-creature, but idk any sun-creatures."

Harry just said "ok"

"Yeah, so dont have sex with any girls Harry, because all girls are really susceptibpble to the Moon. They're creatures of chaos, they're not like us."

"So true king, but how do we get them back to normal?"

Harry... they ARE normal!!! this is the natural state of the female, it's just amplified by the Moon Presence!"

"What? so i can never have sex AGAIN?"

"Shh! be quiet a sec, Pansy's coming," said Draco, putting his finger to his mouth and going shhh.

Pansy walked over and said "Hey gu-- ... Um, Why are Ginny and Cho unconscious? What are you guys--"

Malfoy clocked her in the face and she hit the ground hard. "Sleep tight, bitch" said Malfoy. He turned to Harry.

"Harry this is getting out of control, we need to hide all these bodies before a teacher finds them. We're going to get expelled for sure, the university system is completely anti-male. It's controlled by the Moon Presence too."

*Hey Moon by John Maus starts playing softly in the background as Harry and Draco drag the bodies to a cupboard. a few other girls get in their way and they have to KO them as well, for everyone's own good. Harry punched Parvati Pattel in the stomach so hard he broke one of her ribs accidentally, he didnt mean too he just had to make sure she'd go to sleep. Malfoy knew mild ninjutsu becaues of his Slytherin Sleuth training, so he was able to karate chop some dumb Hufflepuff girl in the neck. Finally, they got everyone packed away into the cupboard, and they threw a bucket and a loaf of bread in there with them.*

"Okay Harry, now ... I'll explain my plan. We have to either go to the moon, or destroy it entirely. it's the only way."

"Both of those options... Draco... They're wild."

Draco nodded. "I know. But this is the life of a Slytherin."

Harry nodded back. "I don't want to destroy the moon because it reminds me of my mother's eyes."

Draco nodded. "So we'll go there, and take out the Moon Presence PERSONALLY." He grinned.

"How are we gonna get there?"

They heard a distinctly Ravenclaw-sounding voice from behind them. "I believe *we* can help with that."

Pangingi

"THOSE BASTARDS!" screamed Panvati, the eldritch star child fusion of Parvati and Pansy, who was unimaginably horrifying on the inside, but on the outside looked like a half-indian half-white girl and wasn't bad looking at all tbh

"W-who are you? cried Ginny. "Where did Parvati and Pansy go?"

Panvati punched her in the face, KO'ing her again. But Cho Chang was too quick for her. As an Asian Ravenclaw, Cho's Int stat was incredibly high, and she deduced right away what Panvati was and what her plans were. Cho's incredible intelligence, combined with the extremely-tense situation she now found herself in, granted her access to a secret ability that was normally impossible for women to learn: Introspection. Cho knew that she, and indeed all women in the Wizarding World, and probably the Muggle world as well, were all being controlled by someone or someTHING on THE MOON.

Learning all of that almost immediately, Cho had apparated out of the broom closet and away from Panvati.

"DRATS..." growled Panvati, absorbing Ginny and becoming 1/3 ginger, and now Pangingi. She still looked good, although probably not better than she did as Panvati. Maybe *as* good, but probably not better. The Indian and Ginger in her clashed too much. She was still pretty, don't get me wrong, but her freckles would have looked better on lighter skin. Again though, don't get the wrong idea, she was not worse-looking than Panvati, but this also just not an improvement.

But in the POWER department? She was now 3 fairly-talented witches in one, and would curbstomp even Lord Voldemort. Such was the power of the star children... dammit...

If she'd managed to absorb CHO? I don't even wanna think about that.

"So you boys want to go to the Moon?" asked Cho Chang, who had a couple of Ravenclaw guys with her.

"Cho!" cried Harry joyfully, bum-rushing her and French kissing her. The Ravencuck boys looked away. Draco's face flushed and he found himself feeling sad. Maybe he... no, no...

Cho needed a few secs to catch her breath when Harry removed his tongue from her mouth. Harry didn't. He had been practicing EXTREME sexual control, and could get right to business or "business" at the flip of a switch. He was ready right away to hear Cho's moon landing plan. A feat that not even the U.S. government had been able to achieve.

When Cho was done panting like an animal, she said "Ahe--aum, we ... we built a space ship..." her head was still spinning. Harry was so good at kissing it was INSANE. The Ravenclaw nerds were already leading Malfoy away and explaining it themselves.

"We figured out a long time ago that you Slytherins were waging a secret war to protect mankind," said Nerd 1.

"So we've secretly been aiding you from the even-darker shadows," went on Nerd 2. "Doing all the research we could, and in our own ways, leading you to develop many of your weapons and combat techniques."

"Wow, that's cool," said Draco. "You never wanted to just help us directly though?"

"Too risky," said Nerd 1. "Our precious brains are not meant to be sacrificed in combat."

"You didn't want to at least tell us that you knew what we were doing?" asked Malfoy.

"Too risky," said Nerd 1 again. "Then you'd mock us and call us pussies and that'd piss us off. We needed to be as stress-free as possible to better assist you for both of our sakes."

Draco looked at him. He was right.

Then he turned back, and noticed that Cho and Harry had disappeared. Dammit...

Meanwhile...

"I am Pangingi," said Pangingi. "And I am here to femdom this world."

"Okay," said some Gryfinndor girls, laughing at her and not taking her seriously.

Pangingi used both her fists and punched them both in the face, absorbing them both at the same time. SHe could feel the magic rushing through her body like testosterone. Not even Dumbledore in his prime would be able to stop her now.

She grinned like a total bitch as she spotted her first male target and tapped him on the back. He turned around.

"Oh, 'ello there miss!" said Hagrid.

Howling at the Moon

"FLLYYYY ME TO THE MOOOON, AND LET ME PLAAAAAY AMONG THE STAAAAARS" sang HP Longbottom, who'd stolen the ravenclaw rocket ship and was now blasting off to go commune with the Moon Presence.

Because of HP's unique talent for comprehending how incomprehensibly vast and cold and uncaring the Universe is, the Moon Presence had chosen HIM to be The Moon Man, the male stud who would be used to breed more star children from the moon-- moon children.

HP Longbottom decided to take it up a notch though. "LET ME SEE WHAT SPRING IS LIKE IN THE DEAD VOID OF SPACE, SCREAMING OUT DARKNESS AND DISINTEREST AT THE WORMS THAT COMPRISE HUMANITY AND ALL ITS PATHETIC DREAMS!!!!"

The Moon Presence was greatly pleased. HP Longbottom was the perfect vessel.

"Hey where did our spaceship go?" cried Ravenclaw Nerd 1.

"It must have been stolen!" said Ravennerd 2. "But how did anyone know where it was?! We had it hidden by magic!" he slammed his feet on the ground. "HOW! WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE WHY AND HOOOOOOW!!!!!"

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Malfoy, sighing and shaking his head. "HP Longbottom and maybe even Ron Weasely stole it. They must have recovered from me biting them and used their eldritch abilities to turn into slimy tentacle monsters and go down the toilets and escape."

"Ah, so you failed to contain them," said Nerd 2.

Malfory glared at him. Glowered even. Nerd 2 flinched.

"Anything else?" asked Malfoy.

no.

Meanwhile, Cho Chang and Harry were looking for Professor Werewolf. Everyone thought Professor Werewolf had died during that Battle of Hogwarts, but he faked it in order to get away from his wife and kid. Luckily, his wife, Tonks, actually did die. So now he just had to get away from his kid, who was still just a toddler, so everything was OK and easy.

"Harry, Cho, it's so good to see you both," said Werewolf, and he gave them a big hug. they hugged him back, he was their favorite professor.

somewhere in the story, Snape felt bad...

"Professor," said Harry. "Can you come with us to the Moon in order to battle an eldritch monstrosity on it that's making all the women in the world act up?"

"Oh Harry I would, but it's the mid-terms coming up. I'll make a deal with you. If you both get an A+, ill come on your trip with you."

Harry and Cho exchanged glances and nodded. "It's study time!" they said in unison, and gave each other a high-five. Werewolf smiled broadly. he was so proud of his students.

He decided he'd give them a free sample, on the house, no charge: he opened up the window, and shifted the top of his body into a wolf, and howled at the moon so loudly, the moon was SHOOK.

"Whoa!" saiy Harry. "Professor, you're so powerful!"

"Duh Harry," grinned the wolfman.

"He's a fraud," snorted Snape, entering the classroom.

"dont talk about my godfather like that!" gorwled Harry, baring his OWN fangs

"THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!! shrieked Ron Weasley, jumping into the room.

Everyone looked at him in awe. He was an incomprehensible squid.

Into the Lake

In an instant, Squid Ron had lunged onto Harry's face like a facehugger.

Harry desperately tried pulling him away and shouted "GODFATHER, HELP ME!"

Everyone turned to Professor Werewolf, who was laughing and did his best Don Corleone impression. "Nevah go against the family, Harry..."

He pulled off his werewolf mask, revealing a tentacled face.

"NOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Cho, but Snape jumped in front of her heroically and cast EXPELLIARMUS!!!

Snape's Expelliarmus spell was so powerful that it was effectively an Avada Kedavra. It sent the Squidfather flying out the window and into the lake where he WOULD have been fine, since he's a squid... but Snape had been preparing for this war for a long time.

The lake was patrolled by elite Slytherins in submersible mechs. The Squidfather barely was able to swim a few meters before he was GRABBED by a powerful metal hand. And then another.

Lupin was torn in twain by non-other than Goyle, piloting the Lake Slythdam. A project the Ravenclaws had been working on for YEARS along with Snape who of course knew that they knew about the Secret War with the Old Ones.

"Wow!" cheered Cho. "Wait a tick-- HARRY!!!" she started to run to help him, but Snape was already there in a flash. With one powerful hand, he grabbed Squid Ron, and slammed him into the floor, like the Hulk did to Loki in the Avengers movie, over and over again.

Except Squid Ron wasn't a god, he was a squid, so his body was mushed into bloody spaghetti from the repeated slamming and after a minute, Snape was swinging nothing but Ron's feet. The rest of him had fallen apart.

Snape heard a strange stomping noise in the hallway, and looked spooked. Harry was still gargling with Listerine and spitting because Squid Ron was tongue-kissing him because Ron was actually gay, when Snape grabbed him and Cho, and jumped out the window with them into the lake, just as Pangingi, who was riding on top of Hagrid the naked thrall's shoulders, barged into the classroom.

Snape and Harry both managed to pull of their robes while they were falling through the air. Cho couldn't, because the Moon Presence wouldn't let her. Thankfully, she was able to use Lupin's corpse as a buoy. She could swim, just not in her robes. She needed to be in a form-fitting 1-piece competition swimsuit that showed the outline of her bellybutton.

Snape and Harry could tread water well enough as Goyle rushed over in his mech to rescue them.

He cupped them in his metal hands, vaccum-sealing them, and before they even knew it! before they even knew it! they were in Slytherin's secret Lake Base.

"Miss, gentlemen... welcome... to the Salazarium!!!" smiled a Ravenclaw nerd, waving his hand.

the base was shaped like a big dome, because it was. but wha surprised them the most... was who was sitting at the command station. his back was turned to them, but they all recognized that grey skin. He turned in his chair to face them and smiled.

"Voldemort..." seethed Harry.

Ascendance

HP Longbottom landed on the moon and shivered with euphoria.

"This is so validating," he groaned. He leapt up and starting dancing around and whooping.

"AS AN EARTHLING, I KNOW MY PLACE!!!" he screamed. "MY PLANET IS SO SMALL AND USELESS, IT'S A LITTLE MOONY ORBITING A INCOMPREHENSIBLY VAST VOID OF THINGS BEYOND THE SCOPE OF HUMANSISSY IMAGINATION!!!"

He fell to his knees and wept. "MOOOOOON PRESCENCE! I AM HERE! I OFFER MY WEAK LITTLE EARTHSISSY BODY TO YOU! DEVOUR MY PITIFUL FORM LIKE A GREAT WHALE INHALING KRILL!!"

The Moon Presence appeared before him on the vid-screen. He was an incomprehensible sphere of tentacles playing a trumpet. "PPPPFFFFTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUUUU"

HP Longbottom sobbed with joy as a tentacle exploded through the ship's cockpit and grabbed him.

Meanwhile, The remains of both Squid Weasley and Lupin the Squid were squishing closer and closer together. They were going to join bodies!

"Stop him, my slave!" hissed Pangingi to Hagrid. He rushed to the window as fast as his half-giant legs could convey him, but it was too late! The incomprehensible mess that was Ron had successfully slid out the window, and nto the lake!

Pangingi screamed in frustration, backflipping off of Hagrid and kicking him to the ground.

"Worthless man!" she hissed. "Give me your wallet."

Hagrid sobbed and nodded. "Yes mistress!" he babbled, forking over the dough.

Pangingi snatched it from him and said "Good. Message me tomorrow for your punishment!"

"Yes Mistress!" sobbed Hagrid.

But like they say, tomorrow never comes. For once Pangingi had stomped away to go absorb some more witches, Vincent Crabbe jumped down from the ceiling and snapped Naked Hagrid's neck! The Inquisitorial Squad was BACK!!!

"Heh, child's play," laughed Crabbe, and he cast Fiendfyre into the hallway to follow Pangingi. But Pangingi had heard Hagrid's neck snap with her incredible hearing. Besides that, she'd already smelled Crabbe hiding in the ceiling, because girls can smell if you've fapped in the last 48 hours and Crabbe couldn't control himself. So Hagrid's neck snapping was merely confirmation for her. She dived out the window of a nearby classroom... and into THE LAKE.

"Harryyyy..." rasped Voldemort. "It's so good to see you..."

Harry sprinted towards him, ready to dive onto his chest and get some ground and pound in, but two Slytherns caught his arms.

"Let me go!" he roared. "That BASTARD KILLED MY PARENTS!"

"No Harryyy..." rasped Voldemort. "I was there the night your parents died, it's true... *wheeze* but your parents were killed... by THE LONGBOTTOMS!!!"

Voldemort's Truth

Meanwhile, HP Longbottom had successfully become one with the Moon Presence, and was now a High-Value Man.

Every car in the world was now HIS. Every woman in the world was now HIS. His bag, like humanity's insignificance, was eternally secured.

"Yessssss! Yesssssssssssss!" he sobbed, looking at his bank account. 10,000 Moon Credits(MOON), the equivalent of the entirety of the European Union's economy.

He'd already forgotten all about H*rmione. She might have been a 7 at Hogwarts University. But outside that little hick-college? In the Grand Scheme of things, in the VAST, DARK, BROODING, AND UNCARING AND UNFORGIVING UNIVERSE? Hermione was at BEST a 6.

HP Longbottom had expanded his mind beyond the scope of humanity and now realized that the true apex of sexuality lied in the stars. Only Beyond Humanity's sissy solar system would he ever find a true 10/10.

But for now... He looked down upon Pangingi.

"This will suffice," he cackled like a freak.

"Harryyy," rasped Voldemort, who was in the middle of an intense fist fight with him. Voldemort was an elite striker, like an Irishman. He wasn't Irish, but he had trained under the best for decades and so he was able to easily dodge Harry's blows.

Harry had the strength and tenacity of youth, but wasn't skilled enough to connect with Voldemort. Voldemort, after dodging a wild swing from Harry, grabbed Harry by the throat and body slammed him through a table.

"Haarrryyyyy!" rasped Voldemort, *cough* "listen to meee... The Longbottoms... I tried to save your mother, Potter... I tried so hard... but their star child magic was too powerful... After defeating me, they assumed my form and killed your parents.

Thank God, your father at least survived."

"MY FATHER? MY FATHER IS DEAD!" growled Harry, springing from the table.

"No, Harry," said Snape, appearing from behind the corner. "I'm not dead."

Harry looked at him in shock and awe. "No... it... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"James was a cuck, Harry," explained the Potions Master. "I knew you'd be safer with him, since I warring with the Great Old Ones."

Harry fell to his knees and started crying like a baby. Voldemort patted him on the shoulder and Snape went down and hugged him. Malfoy was crying too.

Cho Chang was turned off now.

Meanwhile, Naked Hagrid rose to his feet. It wasn't the first time he'd had his neck snapped. He longed for revenge, but Crabbe had already ninja'd away after Pangingi.

Naked Hagrid decided he'd take his rage out on another. He quietly stomped around the school, on the hunt to satiate his bloodlust. Ahh, Anthony Goldstein! The Ravenclaw member of Dumbledore's "Army".

Naked Hagrid snuck up and put him in the rear naked naked choke hold. The last thing Goldstein ever felt was Naked Hagrid's mammoth dick pressing against his upper back. With a quick flex of his bicep, Naked Hagrid severed Anthony Goldstein's spine entirely. Then he tore his head off and threw it onto the ground, growling.

"GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGRRRAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I HATE WOMEN." He started screaming his absolute lungs out and jumped out a window. Into... THE LAKE.

Meanwhile Pangingi and Lupinron were having a battle to decide who would reign supreme over the star children. Pangingi's position as Neville's breeding sow was already secured, but it wasn't enough. She wanted power absolute, and would acquire it By Any Means Necessary. Lupinron was barely sentient, but was ... because he was still part-werewolf, he was able to receive more MOON POWER than Pangingi could. So this was a matter of hiss strength vs. Pangingi's cunning.

the Slytherins didn't interfere, hoping that they'd just kill each other.

Meanwhile Harry had stopped crying and accepted Voldemort's Truth.

"Harryyyyy," Voldemort rasped. "We've all always loved your mother. She was so hot. We'd never do anything to harm her, even if she was a Mudblood. But the Star Children and the Great Old Ones despise beauty. And the Longbottoms, whose real names cannot be pronounced by human tongues, were long under the influence of... the Moon Presence. They BEGGED Lily to murder you in her womb, but when she refused... she had a target on her back ever since. When the Longbottoms disguised as me tried to kill you, your mother's love protected you.

"I see."

"Yeah," rasped Voldemort. "So let's all join forces and defeat the star children and the moon presence."

"How can we do that?" asked Malfoy. "the Ravenrocket was stolen by HP Longbottom!"

"I wouldnt worry about that... I think he's going to bring it back," said a Ravenclaw nerd, who saw the rocket blasting back down towards them.

The Union of the Star Children

HP Longbottom and the Ravenrocket landed with a KERSPLASH, sending bloody rain pouring down on everyone in the lake. Which was like, all of the Slytherins, in patrol boats and small magic battleships, and the gundam,i mean the slythdams.

"This is the moment we've been waiting for, Harry," said Snape, holding Harry close in a fatherly way. "The time to avenge your mother and James upon us."

"And I'LL lead the charge!" rasped Voldemort, jumping into the lake, and casting Icio! He made an ice path and skating along it like Frozone. Towards the landing site where the Ravenrocket was bobbing in the water.

Meanwhile, Pangingi and Lupinron were duking it out. Pangingi was much more SKILLED and INTELLIGENT, but Lupinron's healing ability was too strong for Pangingi to deal any lasting damage on him though. She didn't have a chance! That is, until her eternal thrall, Naked Hagrid jumped onto Lupinron's back and started choking him out!

"Good, you pathetic worm, good!" screamed Pangingi, "Hold him still!" and with three lightning-quick slashes, she RRRRRRRIPPED out Lupinron's brain and devoured it whole.

"Noooooooooooo!" screamed Goyle and Crabbe in unison, rushing forward in their Slythdams to stop her. Crabbe desperately cast Fiendfyre at her.

But it was too late, Pangingi quadrupled in size! Like her mothers before her, she was a witch you couldn't burn! She SWALLOWED the Fiendfyre like...

But then, Cho Chang was casting uh... Leviticus Aquafina, and she controlled all the water in the lake to imprison Pangingi in a giant water ball! No witch had EVER successfully cast Leviticus Aquafina before, but that was because of the sexism built into the magical school system! Women can do anything that men can do, and Pangingi and Cho were out here proving it!

"GARGRAGGARGAGRAGARGARGAGAGGUGUGUGRRGLE!!!!!" SEETHED Pangingi, clawing at the water. But it was no use. She was trapped like a cosmic rat.

Or was she?

For Just then, as Voldemort had finally skated his way to the Ravenshuttle, HP Longbottom EXPLODED out of the ship and into the water prison!

"Ha, fool!" laughed some idiot. "Now HE'S trapped too!"

"No..." said Harry Potter... "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

There was a sudden glare of light, and everyone looked up and saw that that the man on the moon was GLARING at them

They looked back down and saw HP Cosmicbottom the Moon Man, with Pangingi inside of him, grinning with some incomprehensible emotion.

With two mighty waves of his gigantic tentacle-hands, he slapped Goyle and Crabbe's Slythdams clear out of the lake.

"What are we going to do?!" asked Malfoy, holding Harry's hand nervously. Harry blushed.

"We're leaving," said Snape, and he threw a barrel bomb of floo powder down at their feet. They wooshed away JUST as HP Moonbottom's mighty fist came crashing down.

The Rats in the Walls

Snape, Harry, Malfoy, and Cho Chang, and some other people that we dont need rn reappeared in Hogwarts U.

"Professor-- I mean... DAD, you saved us!" cried Harry happily.

"Not yet, Potter-- I mean... son..." said Snape sadly, but with a smile. "Until HP Longbottom and the rest of the Star Children are destroyed, the entire JK Rowling's Wizarding World is in danger!"

"But how can we stop him?" said Malfoy. "He's become a level 50, S-class Eldrertch Monstrosity beyond human comprehension!"

"Yeah," said Snape. "We may have to ask dragons for help."

"Good idea," said Harry, "I like dragons."

"We should ask that Weasley brother who works with dragons if he can help us get some!" said Cho Chang, an instant before she was hit in the back by a killing curse.

A killing curse cast by.............. FILCH?!

Filch was naked and grinning hideously. He started dancing around with glee.

Harry sprinted like a cheetah to kill him, but there was a... a bunch of rats in his way. a wall of rats! THE RATS IN THE WALLS! AS FORETOLD BY HP LONGBOTTOM'S NECRONOMICON!

"AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled Peter Pettigrew, dancing around like a ballerina. He was also naked. The rats were pouring out of his wand.

"What is going on here?!" cried Malfoy, clutching Harry's arm in fear. Harry blushed.

"GET BACK!" roared Crabbe, who'd escaped with Goyim out of their Slythdams. Crabbe cast Fiendfyre and Goyle blew petals of ice from his fingertips like Haku from Spirited Away, and they became a mighty ice dragon and mingled with the Fiendfyre and they SLAMMED into the... rats. they slammed into the rats and Peter Petigrew shrieked in fear, and ran away with Filch, but Filch was too slow and Harry lunged through the flaming wall of rats! He landed on Filch and started beating him to death with his fists, going gorilla mode and hammer-fisting the "caretaker" relentlessly.

"Harry, wait!" cried Cho Chang, "Don't kill him!"

Everyone gasped.

Cho took off her robe and revealed she was wearing a skin-tight bodysuit.

A nearby Ravenclaw nerd chuckled and pushed up his glasses. "Curseproof body armor," he said. "Specifically designed by uh... professor Flitwick, the Charms Master! It's one of a kind. It took almost all of Flitmick's power to be created. It nearly killed him. They cannot be mass-produced."

Cho Chang looked fucking incredible. Like Zero-Suit Samus, but it was the colors of Ravenclaw House. Everyone had to avert their eyes. Except for Harry, who stood up from the half-dead Filch and walked over towards her. "Cho... I..."

Draco Malfoy pretended to be light-headed and started to faint.

"W-woah, Draco!" Harry cried, catching him. "Are you OK?"

"Y-yeah, I... now I am..." Draco said softly.

Cho saw what was going on here and stealthily snuck her hand inside Harry's robe, gently caressing him with her fingertips.

"Good, I'm glad ur ok," said Harry quickly, putting Draco down. "Excuse me everyone, I have to go-- I forgot to get something, at the, in my dorm room. I'll be right back. Cho, please help me look for it, it's important."

Cho smirked like a complete bitch at Malfoy and skipped after Harry. Draco seethed as he miserably watched her perfect ass follow after Harry. Even he wanted a piece of it. He had no hope of competing. N-not that he wanted to...

Snape understood all that was happening around him and chose to ignore it. He walked towards the fallen janny, giving Crabbe and Goyle hearty pats on the shoulders as he passed them. They had advanced to A-class Eldritch Hunters. Putting them neatly into the top-100 most powerful wizards in known history. Whoa.

Snape picked up Filch and carried him off to the dungeon to his CIA "Enhanced Interrogation" Room.

Betrayals

Meanwhile, Voldemort and HP Longbottom were having a Duel of the Fates on the Lake.

It took an enourmous amount of chi-energy, or chakra if you prefer, for Voldemort to keep his ice-skates on and prevent him from sinking into the dangerous depths where lurked the grindylows, ready to drown witches and wizards! Also the giant squid of course, which was still wild and untamed even despite the Slytherin's many attempts at domesticating it. indeed, the giant squid felt more of a kinship with the star children, obviosly. which, in fact, was why it the giant squid was propping up HP Longbottom!!! allowing him to have this wild duel with Voldemort!

it was true that Pangingi was already on her own able to defeat Voldemort. But the intense pressur thate voldemort was now under, his desperate desire to protect all of his friends?... it CHANGED voldemort, it allowed him to unlock an extra chakra-gate in his body, increasing his magical capabilities by let's just say a lot. or more specifically, DOUBLE.

HP Longbottom sensed this and hissed.

"SssssssSO! Your precious friends really mean that much to you?" he hissed.

"Worry about me, not them!" rasped Voldemort, throwing a lightning-fast question mark kick. i just got distracted by an insanely hot karate tomboy's youtube videos sorry, what was i writing about

"FOOL!!!" cackled HP Longbottom, throwing his head back like rubber to avoid it. "It wont be so easy to hit me! But can you say the same about... YOURSELF?!"

And with that, tentacles exploded from the water, enveloping voldermort and pulling him into the murky deep.

"Tell me everything you know about the Moon Presence and the others under its influence here at Hogwarts," Severus Snape said as he was torturing Naked Filch with Unforgivable Spells.

but Filch had nothing to live for after his cat was lost. "IM NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING!" he screamed.

"What if we find your cat?" asked Malfoy.

"M-Mr.s Norris?" gasped Naked Filch, for a moment his humanity breaking through the Influence.

"Yeah whatever."

"Okay," agreed Naked Filch. "Find Mrs. Norris and I'll narc on everyone else who's been converted!"

"Good work, Malfoy," said Snape, closing the door behind them. "After we find Mrs. Norris and get all the information, you can kill Filch as a reward if you want."

"No thanks, Professor," said Daco gloomily. He was imagining what Harry and Cho were doing rn. It'd been about half an hour since they left together. it took 5 minutes to walk up to Harry's room. So the way Draco figured it, there was a 100% chance that at this moment, Harry was inside of Cho.

He didn't like that. He wished he could trade places with-- either one of them, he wasn't sure. Definitely one though, because this was bullshit. They were off having sex while he was stuck with Professor Snape torturing Naked Filch and now he had to go look for a cat? In his anger and jealousy, Draco decided at that moment that he'd somehow try to come between them.

"Professor, I have to go do something, I'll keep an eye out for Mrs. Norris though," Draco said.

"Draco, I don't mind you stealing Cho from my son," said Snape. "I want him to marry a White woman and I grow tired of his yellow fever. But if you try to turn my precious Harry gay, then... let's just say..."

Professor Snape put on a hat with a Confederate flag.

"Do I make myself clear?"

Draco gulped. "C-crystal, professor..."

Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyim were patrolling around Hogwarts U with Professor Flintwick, building a Big Beautiful Wall(BBW) of charms to keep out invaders who didnt belong in Hogwarts U. They already had enough problems to deal with, they didnt need MORE eldtrich monstrosities beyond human comprehension coming in.

"Professor Flitwick," said Crabbe. "Can you make suits for us like you did for Cho?"

Professor Flitwink sighed. "I can, but it'll kill me," he said.

"Okay" said Goyle.

"No professor, we still need you around. at least for now lol," said Crabbe. "But those suits sure would come in handy for this war. And it's a shame you made one for Cho. She's not even as powerful as us."

"Yeah why her professor?" asked Goyle.

"Because she's a Ravenclaw, lads, it was a House Secret" said Flitwick. "plus have you seen her body?"

They had.

"And not only that," went on Flitwick. "Not only is she nice and slim with a firm ass and 'juuust right' b-cup tits, but she's TALENTED. She may not be a Crabbe or a Goyle, but give her some credit, boys!"

"Professor did you see her naked when you were sizing her up for the suit?" asked Goyle.

"Of course I did," said Flitwick. "Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering," said Goyle, kicking a pebble. He wished HE got to see Cho naked.

Meanwhile, Cho was demonstrating just how talented she was, by biting Harry's neck and sucking every ounce of magic from his body!...!!??

"Noooooooooo," groaned Harry half-heartedly because she was still riding him and he was as hard as a diamond rn. he didn't even really know what was happening, it was awesome.

"I'm sorry Harry, but I have to do this," said Cho, as she left his passed-out body on his bed. he had such a satisfied goofy smile on his face. She put on her curse armor once again and prepared to go out... TO THE LAKE

More Betrayals

weanwhile, Voldemort was being dragged down into Davy Jones' Locker, the Final Destination of all Scurvy Witches and Wizards.

because even though Voldemort was a good guy, he'd still done bad things in his life, and he had to be punished for them. Or did he?

"Arrr, if it isn't Tom Riddle," said Davy Jones.

"Hello David," rasped Voldemort. "I must ask you to allow me to return to Hogwarts. My friends need me. The world needs me."

"Yaaar," laughed Jones. "Ye think ye can get away from suffer'n yer punishment? But ye cant, Tom. For all the Muggles and race-traitors ye killed, you owe me at least 72 hours of service on the Dutchman! THEN ye'll be free!"

"David," rasped Voldemort patiently, "I dont HAVE 72 hours! I need to go NOW!" He could feel something swelling within the pit of his tummy.

Jones glared at him and didnt relent. He pointed at the Flying Dutchman which was parked next to them. "Get. on. board. Tom."

Voldemort let out a deep breath as his second chakra gate opened. A fraction of a second later, Davy Jones' head was soaring through the air. Voldemort had jumped up and soccer kicked it clean off his shoulders.

He eyed the Flying Dutchman. "There's a new Captain in town," he rasped.

The magical protection charm that Proffessor McGonagall and Professor Midget had put on the door of Hogwarts U was holding... but maybe not for long. HP Longbottom was punching the door with his giant boxing gloves like Grond the battering ram from the Lord of the Rings.

Draco and Harry both perked up. They thought they'd heard a lotr reference, and as big Tolkienheads, they could sense these things. Harry didnt realize yet that all his magic was gone, he was still in the afterglow of the total and complete satisfaction Cho had given him. Draco could tell and he wanted to start crying. Instead he said

"S-so Harry, did you find that thing you were looking for?"

"Oh I found it," said Harry, pleased.

"O-oh... good..." Draco said.

He didnt know what else to do. He lunged onto Harry and tried kissing him, but Harry, in revulsion, pushed him off. "DRACO! What the hell?!"

"W-what?" asked Drako.

"I'm not gay, Draco," said Harry. "Ok? Just... accept it. Please. I want us to be friends, but if you're going to like, try to make me a fag, then idk what to tell you..."

"Y-yeah, I... sorry..." said Draco. He faced away from Harry and SEETHED. How dare POTTER reject him like this? There was only one thing left to do.

Malfoy jumped out the window and into... THE LAKE.

Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were sparring with each other in kickboxing.

Meanwhile, Cho Chang had begun her battle against the Elderitch Lord, HP Longbottom. She had to save the Hogwarts U gates like a mission in a video game-- and their health was very low.

"YOU FOOLISH HUMAN!!!" screamed Longbottom, swinging at her. "You really think you can defeat ME? MY POWER AND COSMIC INDIFFERENCE IS BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION!!! NO LIVING HUMAN CAN HINDER ME!!!"

Cho Chang bared her fangs and revealed she was in fact a vampire-succubus. "I am no human," she said, and she spinning back-kicked Longbottom so hard in the side of the head it popped off. Out from his neck burst Pangingi!

"I'm free!" she sang. She summoned Naked Hagrid, who appeared by her side almost instantly. "Take me away from here, slave," she ordered. "I must devour more witches. I will devour the Moon Presence when the time is right."

But then she stopped and looked at Cho Chang. "Nvm" she thought... "she's too powerful... for now..". Naked Hagrid sprouted tentacle wings and flew away with her.

HP Longbottom didnt say anything as his head reattached itself... but he felt like he'd just been broken up with. Totally used and thrown out. He thought that he and Pangingi were... he thought they were ONE... and the second his head falls off, she just LEAVES him, like nothing ever mattered to her? HP Longbottom's incomprehensible heart shrivelled and died, and he'd never felt more blackpilled. He clenched his fists. He hated star-women so much.

it was just Neville and Cho now. Neville, little sissyboy Neville, who'd always been Draco's punching bag back in Hogwarts 1... but now... he had THE POWR OF THE MOON lurking inside of him, the power to COMPLETELY DOMINATE any female brain, curse-armor or not.

Neville smirked and prepared to sprout his hypnotic eyeballs when Draco Malfoy leapt onto his back, slamming him into the ground. Malfoy hooked his legs in and mounted Neville's back and started punching him in the sides of the head. Neville knew what was happening because Malfoy used to do this to him all the time when they were kids. "MALFOY NOOOOO! PLEASE!!!" he sobbed, his PTSD flaring up.

"M-Malfoy!" Cho gasped. He didnt really save her, because Cho was prepared for the Moon, at least partially... BY SUCKING OUT HARRY'S MASCULINE MAGIC, Cho was able to partially-immunize her against the Moon Presence. Combined with her already impressive brainpower, it might have totally leveled the playing field against HP Longbottom.

But now? She didnt even have to test herself. Because Draco Malfoy was here, giving Neville permanent brain damage.

There were no teachers anywhere, so when Neville covered up the sides of his head, Malfoy just switched to punching him in the back of the head instead. It was hopeless lol. Neville was literally going to be beaten to death.

"No!" cried Cho, lunging onto Malfoy and pushing him off. "T-that's enough, Draco..." she whispered. Seeing Neville get the living shit beaten out him though had turned her on so much. And Harry hadn't even gotten close to satisfying her. It wasn't Harry's fault really, but that didn't matter. Cho was still well in the mood.

"Cho..." Draco said softly. He pulled her head down and kissed her.

The Power of Friendship

Crabbe and Goyle were finished with their training. they felt confident that they were the most electrifying tag-team in Hogwarts History. alone, sure, they were still top-1oo Wizards, no doubt. But TOGETHER? THAT was their secret weapon, the power of their friendship.

And there was nothing else like it in the world.

Crabbe and Goyle were so N-sync, that it alloewd them to hold their own against enemies even many times stonger than them alone. Years after the Great War, their Crabbe and Goyle's friendship would be considered by historians to be as powerful as the Elder Wand.

Speaking of the Elder Wand? Where was it? Good question. it was of course in hte hands of Harry Potter, who'd used it to Stupidfy Cho Chang into thinking she was a vampire-succubus who'd stolen his magic. "Sorry Cho," he said to himself. "I love you... but i cant be tied down. That's how ive been the Boy Who Lived all my life. there's no room in my life for such desires of the flesh." Harry flexed his bicep. "This. This is the key to my strength, the key to humanit's survival. ME! AND ME ALONE!" Harry was such a genius problem-solver. Cho, thinking she was like humanity's only hope or some shit, would leave Harry alone now. And Harry had even killed 2 birds with 1(one) stone, because now that bisexual idiot Malfoy would go chase after her and leave Harry alone, which was a good thing because truthfully a little more pressure and Harry would have made Draco his boiwife. But Harry was finally safe from everyone who wanted to have sex with him... Right?

Harry took out his sexual frustrations by punching a hole in the wall using Expelliarmus. He'd trained so much, that he was able to now cast magic without his wand, using his LIMBS as his wand. A punch or a kick from Harry Potter could be packed with anything from a Flippendo to... an Avada Kevadra!

And that's exactly what happened when Naked Hagrid snuck up on him from behind. He wrapped his massibe arms around Harry's back, preparing to bear-hug Harry to death!

But Harry Potter wasnt just the Boy Who Lived... he was the Boy Who Killed, too. He quickly focused his magic into the back of his head and he threw his head back, headbutting Hagrid in the chest with an Avada Kedavra!

Naked Hagrid fell to the ground, dead.

Harry stumbled a little. Casting the killing curse through his own head was enough to cause a major migraine. But he was OK... he was ok...

Or was he? For at that moment, Pangingi dropped down from the ceiling and landed on top of him.

"Potterrrrr..." she hissed.

Before Harry could even REACT, Pangingi gave him an Eldritch Dementor's Kiss. (which will be explained later!) but also it's an important detail to know that this isn't a regular Dementor's Kiss and is a lot more like French kissing.

Meanwhile, Malfoy was zipping up his pants. He'd made his impression. It was so over for Harry. Malfoy was about the same size as Harry, but was *very* much more energetic and attentive during sex, because he was on adderall and also unlike Harry, he hadn't taken a vow of chastity, so he'd had a lot of practice on Slytherin girls. Draco Malfoy knew how to work women like a veteran machinist knows how to survive whatever metal death-trap he's been stationed to for 15 years.

You'd never see a leaked video of Draco Malfoy being pulled into a gruesome mechanical death. The only thing Draco was ever pulled into was nice warm pussy.

"Draco!" gasped Cho. "That was... that was..."

Draco smirked. "I know," he said. "A bit better than the Boy Who Cums too Fast, arent I?"

"Who? Oh... Harry..." Cho was silent for a moment. She didn't really care about Harry lol. She was only ever into him because he was famous and popular, and not bad looking. But Malfoy was better in just about every way. Better looking, not a four-eyed geek like Potter. Better genes too. She knew Harry's mom was a mudblood. If she was going to race mix with a white boi, it might as well be a pure-blooded one like Draco. Plus, Harry didn't even have any magic anymore lol, she'd sucked it all out!

Yeah, Draco was the easy choice. Cho smiled to herself and closed her eyes. Then for Some Reason, Harry's mind-control over her ceased and it dawned on Cho that she wasn't really a vampire-succubus and that she'd been bamboozled.

She growled and sprung to her feet. Draco looked at her, surprised.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

She didn't respond, she summoned her broomstick and flew off to go give Harry a piece of her mind!

Meanwhile, Snape was angrily muttering to himself. "It's like I'm the only fucking person who does any work around here..." he was stalking the corridors looking for Mrs. Norris. He'd drank a potion that heightened his sense of smell to be like a hound's, so he was sniffin' out her trail.

Snape turned a corner, where he was certain Mrs. Norris was! And of course, what else would he find but a giant Were-cat hissing at him?

Snape barely had time to curse, in both ways, before it lunged at him. And IT barely had time to lunge at him, before Crabbe and Goyle ran out from behind Snape and tackled it in mid-air, pinning it down by both of its arms. It seethed and spat and hissed and wriggled and wiggled and wurmed and squirmed, but it couldn't get out from from under the two talented wizards.

Snape looked down at it. "Mrs. Norris, I presume..."

Norris

HP Longbottom groaned and stood up. He was alone at the front gate of Hogwarts U. His incomprehensible healing factor fixed up all the brain damage Horny Draco had dealt to him.

"Foolish, insignificant human..." spat Longbottom. "I'll make you regret not finishing me off!" He sprouted tentacle wings and took off.

Little did HP Longbottom know, that Malfoy ALREADY regretted not finishing him off!

Post-nut clarity tended to hit the intelligent Slytherin like a blast of dynamite. He knew that he had more important thing to think about than sex with Cho Chang, or his gay crush on Harry Potter. Malfoy was the TRIBAL CHIEF of Slytherin House, dammit. It was his duty to protect the school, nay, the WORLD.... dammit...

Malfoy hit himself on the head a few times, and summoned his broomstick. He was going to follow after Cho, but NOT for horny reasons, but to RALLY her and Harry, and meet up with Professor Snape! They had cosmic abominations to dispatch! Together!

Before Draco could hop onto his stick though, a tentacle erupted from the earth and dragged him down into the dirt.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Norris was shrieking racial and homophobic slurs at Snape and Crabbe and Goyle as they dragged her hog-tied through the corridors back to Naked Filch. She'd been given the Gift of Gab! one of the last bastions of free speech on the Internet! Make your account today!

"This cat is based as hell, professor," said Crabbe. "Do we really have to turn her over to that pervert who was obviously molesting her?"

"I'm afraid we do, Goyle," said Snape.

"I'm--"

"Kidding, Crabbe, I'm only joking. You think I can't tell you two apart?" He smiled and patted them both on the backs. And then he added: "And you think I can't tell when you're under the Influence of the Moon?"

Crabbe and Goyle gasped as Professor Snape, with incredible strength and speed, took them both by the backs of their heads and bonked them into each other like the three stooges. THey passed out cold in his arms.

"Poor lads..." he sighed. Concussions were no fun, but it was all he could do for them right now. He HAD to get Racist Mrs. Norris back to Naked Filch FAST, so he could learn who else was a Moon Spy.

He laid the lads down and kissed their foreheads to make it better. They had only RECENTLY been mind-broken by the Moon Presence, so they'd be okay when they woke up, probably.

The only question was... .........................who had attacked them? Who could have SUCCESSFULLY beaten two of the greatest wizards of their generation?

Severus's answer came in the form of a laugh.

"Oh Severus," chuckled Dumbledore, who appeared from behind the corner. He was naked. "I just don't know what to do with you..."

"Of course..." thought Snape to himself, "Dumbledore's a faggot... to the Moon Presence, he's no stronger than a woman..."

Naked Dumbledore was smiling hideously and incomprehensibly as he outstretched his arms. "Come, Severus. Embrace me. Embrace the Moon. It's what Lily would have wanted."

Snape said nothing. Instead, he took from his robes his Confederate flag hat. He turned it backwards, like Ash Ketchum.

As Dumbledore's hands turned into tentacles, Snape was already upon him with his collapsible baton.

During this, Mrs. Norris had managed to escape from her bonds. She was now running like a cheetah through the halls. "I've got to find my frens," she thought to herself.

Racist Mrs. Norris didn't have to look far, because her oomfies had already been looking for her too!

"Fawkes! Buckbeak!" said Mrs. Norris happily as they ran along beside her.

"We've been looking for you, Mrs. Norris," said Fawkes telepathically. Buckbeak couldnt talk because he was stupid but he could understand stuff. Fawkes went on: "Someone let in a bunch of those people you don't like! We wanted to make sure you were OK!"

Which Magically-Accepted People (MAPS) Fawkes was referring too would never be known, because all three of them stopped dead in their tracks. Naked Filch and Naked Wormtail aka Peter Pettigrew were there. They stood their grinning horribly (and incomprehensibly) for a moment, before tentacles exxploded from their arms and they started sprinting towards Mrs. Norris and company.

Cat Fights

As he was dragged through an underground tunnel by tentacles, Draco Malfoy found himself in a Dead Space cutscene where he had to use his wand to cast severing charms at the tentacles to get them off before it was too late!

"DIFFINDO! DIFFINDO!" Draco screamed, and the magic FLEW from his wand like a samurai sword, chopping the tentacles off and freeing him. "Yay, I did it!" Malfoy cheered but then he realized he was traped underground in a very cramped tunnel and could be barely breathe.

"This might be the end..." Draco said. But then he remembered that he could apparate and so he did.

Draco apparated in Harry's room just in time to see Cho Chang and Pangingi in a cat fight. Harry was standing back watching them go at it. He and Draco were STUNNED at the fight that was taking place in front of them. The witch and star-witch abomination were casting high-level spells at each other that Draco didnt even RECOGNIZE. But Pangingi was obviously more powerful. She'd absorbed over a dozen witches at this point (and was now complete mystery-meat, but still not bad looking) AND she'd ACTKUSALLY taken all of Harry's magic with her Eldritch Dementor's Kiss. Cho was gonna lose! She kept taking curses to her fine-as-fucc body, and Professor's Midget's anti-curse armor held up, but the impact was still like getting shot. aAnother curse sent her off her feet and Pangingi stood over her, smirking incomprehensibly, and was about to Avaka Kedavara her right in the face, but Malfoy snapped out of it and tackled her off!

"FOOLISH MAN-THING!!!" Pangingi shrieked. "GET OFF OF ME! HEEEEEELP!!!!! THIS INCEL IS BEING CREEPY!!!!"

Harry's trigger-word, "incel", activated his thralldom and he kicked Draco off of Pangingi. "Leave her alone, Incel Dork!" he yelled. "No woman will ever fuck you!"

Draco looked up at him, stunned. Harry's face had mutated into a Soyjak.

"why am i so hungry?" wondered Dobby the House Elf as he rummaged through the kitchen, snacking like a fiend.

He took a handful of Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans (spinach, coffee, drywall, steak, paint, and asian girl armpit) and chomped them down with a glass of iced tea, but suddenly a pirate ship burst through the wall, impaling and pinning poor Dobby to the wall.

Voldemort hopped off the Flying Dutchman. "I've returned!" he rasped. And after taking a second to euthanize Dobby, he sprinted out of the kitchen to find where he could help!

He didn't have to sprint long! Because Racist Mrs. Norris and her fellow racist magical creatures were WARRING with Naked Filch and Naked Wormtail!

Norris had latched on to Naked Filch's arm with her fangs, and he was swinging her massive werecat body through the air with his star-thrall strength. "Mrs. Norris, why are you doing this!" he yelled angrily. She only hissed in reply.

Buckbeak and Fawkes were having a bit of a harder time. Naked Peter Pettigrew had perfected Rat Magic and had transformed into a giant rat!

"Mrs. Norris! Buckbeak! Fawkes!" rasped Voldemort. "SWITCH OPPONENTS!" he advised.

Genius! Mrs. Norris dropped off of Naked Filch and ran at Giant-Rat Form Naked Peter Pettigrew, and his ratbrain instinct caused him to freak out and run away! But Mrs. Norris was faster than him! She jumped and bit into the back of his neck, and brought him down like a lion taking down a gazelle.

Giant cat vs giant rat? You do the math. Here's a hint: 1+1 = Mrs. Norris tore Peter Pettigrew's head off and flung it at Naked Filch, who was being dragged into the air by Buckbeak and Fawkes, so hard that it slammed him into the wall, the head breaking his ribs and the wall breaking his back. Then when he fell and landed, he broke his left arm. His life was ruined.

"Good job, everyone!" rasped Voldemort happily, running over to them. They all happily surrounded them and he joyfully petted them.

Meanwhile Pangingi was back to magically beating the hell out of Cho Chang because Harry had tackled Draco out the window, and into... THE LAKE!

"It's over, bitch," cackled Pangingi, as she lifted Cho up against the wall and prepared to absorb her. But was it really over?

No, because Luna Lovegood tackled Pangingi off of Cho! "Get out of here, Cho!" she cried.

"I'm not leaving you!" said Cho.

Luna used magic to throw Cho out the window, and into the lake! "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Pangingi.

Kedavra Ultima

Voldemort took out his knife from Monster Hunter and carved up Wormtail, collecting 1 Rat Meat, 1 Tail, and 2 Fangs. He put them into his inventory. "This is exactly what I needed," he rasped.

Mrs. Norris, who was a racist, spoke up first. "Tom," she said. "Thank you for coming to help us. What's our next move to remove these subhumans from the school?"

Voldemort stood over Naked Filch, who was groaning in agony. He rasped "Well, Filch. Will you help us identify the Star-Spawn in the school? Maybe I can mend your broken bones if you do."

Naked Filch just wanted the suffering to end. "SAVE ME AND I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING," he weeped.

Before he could do that though, HP Longbottom dropped down from the ceiling, landing on Naked Filch's head and smashing it like a pumpkin. In an instant, he and Voldemort were exchanging punches and kicks.

"Mrs. Norris!" rasped Voldemort, "Get out of here! Find Draco Malfoy!"

"Okay," said Mrs. Norris, and she cursed and said some racial slurs. "Come on, gang!" Fawkes and Buckbeak retreated with her.

Meanwhile Pangingi was riding a newly-reborn Naked Hagrid through the school, punching and aborbing every witch unlucky enough to pass by her. After Luna Lovegood had sent Cho Chang out the window, Pangingi threw her out the window in anger as well. Now Pangingi was kicking herself for not just absorbing Luna instead. She had to make up for it.

"Hi, I'm Angelina!" said Angelina Johnson.

Pangingi punched her in the face, adding a dash of chocolate to her form. Angelina's magic was strong enough to transform her now into Pangelingi.

Pangelingi flexed her hands. The power... she had to test it... She told Naked Hagrid to halt.

"Yes mistress!" he cried, falling on to his hands and knees so she could dismount him.

"What kind of a man are you?" asked Pangelingi.

"A girly-man," sobbed Naked Hagrid.

"Go on," said Pangelingi.

"M-mistress?" stuttered Naked Hagrid.

"WHAT ELSE ARE YOU?" screamed Pangelingi.

"A little sissy baby girly-boi!" Naked Hagrid cried.

"What's between your legs?" asked Pangelingi.

"A useless little girl-dick," Naked Hagrid blubbered.

"Excellent," said Pangelingi. "You may leave now."

Naked Hagrid got to his feet and turned away to leave.

"Oh, Slave?" she said.

"Y-yes Mistr--"

Pangelingi cast Kedavra Ultima at him, sending a nuclear bomb's force of Death at him, breaking him down to the atomic level. In a flash of vibrant green, there was no more Hagrid there, naked or otherwise.

All that remained of him was the saddle that had been strapped to him for Pangelini to ride.

"That will be all, Slave," she cackled, reaching into the saddlebag and taking Hagrid's wallet again.

Crabbe and Goyle woke up. "Kedavra Ultima..." they said in unison.

Naked Dumbledore and Severus Snape even stopped fighting for a moment when they felt it. That POWER. "No..." said Severus. "It can't be..."

Naked Dumbledore grinned hideously. "It CAN be."

Crabbe and Goyle Save the World?

In South Africa, it's normal and NOT GAY for bros to kiss on the lips, so that's exactly what Crabbe and Goyle did to express their FRIENDSHIP for each other before they ran off to face this new threat!

They're NOT GAY. K? Just say you've never had friends. Or South African friends.

Crabbe and Goyle had previously vacationed together in South Africa as mercenaries working to protect farmers from Dark Wizards and they picked up some of the local customs. They're both attracted exclusively to women. You can kiss someone without being attracted to them, do you understand that? Or are you too stupid? It's just A THING THEY DO in South Africa, like how uh, in whatever country they kiss people on the cheek, okay? It's not like they're blowing each other, it's a freaking peck on the lips. They're not FRENCH KISSING, it's A PECK TO EXPRESS FRIENDSHIP. A friendship peck.

"NOT SO FAST YA WEE LITTLE QUEERS," roared Naked Hagrid, sprinting toward them at full speed. He had his infamous umbrella in one hand, and a Heckler & Koch MP5 in the other. Goyle prepared to blast him.

"RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, RULES OF ENGAGEMENT!!" shouted Snape, dragging them both into a classroom and slamming the door shut.

"Professor, what are you doing!?"

"Hagrid didn't *technically* threaten you with his umbrella or his submachine gun, boy! Remember, Slytherin House is a lifesaving organization, we have to do everything in our power to avoid unnecessary loss of life.

Hagrid blasted the door off its hinges, and it landed on Snape, like that scene in the Fellowship of the Rings when the Black Rider knocks down the wooden gate on top of the watchman in Bree.

Crabbe and Goyle Stood Their Ground, blasting Hagrid with a co-op Avada Kedavra that was so powerful that it even rivaled Pangelingi's Kedavra Ultima!!

"rrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" yelled Crabbe and Goyle like Goku, pouring their very heart and soul into it! And That-- wait a minute, I just remembered I killed off Hagrid in the last chapter.

It was not naked Hagrid after all! But an INNOCENT BYSTANDER who was dressed as Hagrid for Halloween! Oh no! And it wasn't just ANY innocent bystander, it was a cute girl! And they'd KILLED her! What a tragic and unncessary waste of human life!

From underneath the door, Severus Snape coughed up blood. "You see, lads... that's why... ...rules... of engagement..."

Crabbe and Goyle fell to their knees in sorrow. The girl's soul left her body and apologized for scaring them and told them that it was OK because now she could be with her mom, who'd been killed by Pangelingi in the First Cosmic Wizarding War. How's that for some lore?

The girl's mother was none other than Raphtalia Ravenclaw, a direct descendent of Rowena Ravenclaw. The girl was a foreign-exhjan... I can't do this... what am I going...

The girl was Rei Ravenclaw, a foreign-exchange student from South Korea because the Ravenclaws had moved to South Korea at some point because Rodimus Ravenclaw was a missionary. She herself was not Korean, but she spoke it flewlmao "flewently". Ravenclaws are naturally gifted at learning things.

Why does all of this matter? Well, no-one knew it but her mother, but Rei Ravenclaw actually had a powerful djinn sealed inside of her. And now it was RELEASED.

The djinn flew out of Rei's mouth in the form of smoke, and it looked trustworthy enough.

"I am Xequazbabba," it jinned.

"So what?" asked Goyle. "We just MURDERED an innocent, cute girl!"

"She was so good-looking," sobbed Crabbe. "I CAN'T GO ON."

"I can bring her back," said Xequ. "I will grant you 3 wishes for releasing me from my prison."

"What's the catch?" asked Crabbe, suspicious.

"There is no catch," said Xequ. "Just tell me what you want! It's that easy! Really! Lol! Trust me! Haha"

Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other and nodded. "We wish Rei was alive again!"

Rei gasped and began breathing again. She remained KO'd.

"Whoa... this djinin's legit..." whispered Crabbe.

Without hesitation, Goyle yelled "I WISH PANGELINGI WAS DEAD!"

From the hallway, Pangelingi heard him yelling that, instantly recognized it as a magical wish that was about to be granted because no one would just scream out a wish unless they were actually talking to a genie, so she herself screamed her friggin lungs out "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" and tried running into the room to stop it somehow.

As she entered, Xequ beaned her on the back of the head with a brick.

She fell straight on her face, totally limp.

She landed on the broken door, the extra "thump" of which snapped Snape back into consciousness. He crawled out from under it and examined the scene. "Good job boys, it looks like you just saved the world."

Crabbe and Goyle smiled and kissed each other on the lips, friendship style.

"But what will your final wish be?" asked Rei Ravenclaw quietly. Crabbe and Goyle turned and saw that Xequazbabba was laughing its ass off. And then it rhymed like an asshole. "Be quick about it, for once your final wish is spent, the moon will begin its descent!

Fakeo

"What's going on here?" demandedd Draco Malfoy. "Who is this Original Character Girl I've Never Seen Before who's all emo-looking and such a stereotype?" ...and why's she so CUTE, he thought.

"Draco, there's no time to explain, we need ur help to kill this genie because it's a Moon Genie that tricked us into making wishes that empower the moon."

i cant cope with this, what a stupid story

"Guys!" said Harry, barging in. He punched Xequazbabba in the face, casting Incendio with his fist, and it was powerful enough to DESTROY the genie. wow.

"S-such power," gasped Rei Ravenclaw. "You must be the Boy of Legend,"

"I'm no boy," said Harry Potter. "I'm a man." and he grabbed her with one arm and kissed her right then and there

Crabbe, Goyim, and Draco, all SEETHED with jealousy, but not more than CHO CHANG, who'd inconveniently showed up at that moment!

"Harry-- how could you..." but then Snape cast Stupidfy on her, and she fell unconscious.

"My son, I'll wipe her memory so we can focus on the task ahead of us. We have to destroy HP Longbottom once and for all. Cho is too useful to be all upset. You shouldn't have kissed that girl though, that was reckless."

"My recklessness just saved the world," said Harry, kissing Rei again.

Snape couldn't help but chuckle, because Draco was visibly upset. Crabbe and Goyle were good at hiding their emotions though.

Harry was useless rn, he was too horny, so everyone left him and Rei to it.

"Now what do we do?" asked Draco.

Snape stabbed him through the heart with his silver ASsassin's Creed blade. "Nice try, FAKE-o" Draco dissolved into stardust.

"What was that?!" asked Goyle.

"The real Draco is in the lake fighting for his life," siad Snape.

What! exclaimed Crabbe.

"Das rite, and I'll tell you another thing," said Snape. "The real Harry is not that creature in the room with Rei, the REAL Harry is in the lake with Draco!!! That's a starchild in that room who tried to bamboozle us."

Crabbe nad Goyle's faces turned white as ghosts. "W-we need to..."

Snape smirked. "No we don't"

There was a horrible shriek, and Crabbe and Goyle barged back into the room to find Rei going psycho-trauma survival mode on Harry Starchild with a knife. He'd partially transformed but it had been interrupted by her carving half his face off.

Before she could start eating him, Snape pulled her off like she was a feral cat. "Her bloodline is at odds with the moon prescence's effect on women, resulting in her attacking even starchildren like Fake Harry."

"Ok that makes perfect sense, but now what are we going to do?" Goyle asked, as he took out a blowpipe and shot Rei with a tranq. "Harry and Draco are in the lake for some reason-- should we help them?"

"We can't help them," said Snape. "Only time can heal what Cho Chang did to them with her feminine wiles. All we can do is hope that the Longbottom attacks them before they kill each other."

"Ok, so we can take a break," said Goyle happily. he lied down with his back on the wall, his knees were killing him after all the walking they'd done. but then...

"YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER," cackled Naked Dumbledore, but it's only JUST begun! and he lunged onto Snape, who screamed in yuck.

"Professor!!!" cried the Crabbeoyle. They tried to help him, but they were blocked by none-other than PANGELINGI?!

"You FOOLS!" she screamed. "You really think the Moon Genie would betray a fellow Moon Child? You were played for FOOLS!" And she kicked Goyle between the legs as hard as she could. He screamed in agony and fell.

"GOYLEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" cried Crabbe, and he rushed over to him, but Pangelingi's shin caught his testicles as well, sending him crashing to the ground."

"SLAVE!!" sang Pangelingi, and Naked Hagrid returned from the void for her.

He knelt. "YES MISTRESS, I LIVE TO SERVE YOU."

Pangelingi took his wallet. "Kill those two little twerps. Then massage my feet."

"YES MISTRESS," said Naked Hagrid, and he grabbed Crabbe and started to strangle him. OH NO. Is this the end of CRABBE and GOYLE??

Ronald's Heart

"It's the gufrt that keeps on giving" cackled Panelingi.

"Excuse me?" asked Naked Dumbledore, as he attempted to rear-naked choke Professor Snape, who was desperately trying not to give up his back. Naked.

"Excuse ME, there was something in my throat!" roared Pangelingi, hacking up Ron Weasley!

"Ron!" cried Rei Ravenclaw, "Do something!"

Although Ron was no-longer human, his DEEP LOVE for Rei touched his last tiny itty bitty Old Self. In truth, Rei was a large part of the reason why Ron didn't care when HP Longbottom stole Hermione from him. He'd always loved Rei instead, and Hermione was really annoying and going through a Third-Wave feminism phase. It didn't bother Longbottom, because Feminists are powerless against writers of Cosmic Horror. Because HP was SUCH A GOOD WRITER, Hermione's sapiosexuality brain-drained her when she was with him and turned her into the perfect girlfriend: quiet and pretty.

but Ron? Ron had failed Creative Writing every single year at Hogwarts U. He couldn't write his way out of a paper bag, and so Hermione browbeat the shit out of him every chance she got. HP Longbottom really had saved his life. He owed everything to him. Although he didn't realize it.

Peabrain that he was, he was still terrified of being alone. But Rei had always been there for him, even when Hermione was lecturing him. Ron would ignore her stupid women's history(HERstory) lessons and constant nagging, and spend basically all day, every day, just texting Rei.

The polar opposite of Hermione the obnoxious bookworm, Rei was Ron's manic pixie 4chan neet tomboy gamergirl who didn't shower or wash her clothes enough. She wore a too-big hoodie, her hair was a friggin mess that she just-barely kept from becoming dreads, and she'd always fall asleep on his shoulder. Ron would have murdered everyone in school for her, and ALL the other guys were jealous as HECK that she seemed to only spend time with Ron. Well, when he could escape Hermione for a few hours.

HP Longbottom cucking Ron was the happiest day of his miserable life. Recently, Hermione had been attempting to receive the gift of Mugglepox in order to help combat stigma against the historically marginalized Muggosexual Community. She'd no-doubt get it eventually, but on her brave sexual odyssey she'd also received many other love-transmitted giftseases that she insisted on spreading to Ron to prove that he wasn't racist. And so Ron had been creating clones of himself, with the help of professor Snape, to sacrifice upon the altar of Progress. When a Ron Clone had been infected by an anti-racist STD, Snape would take them out behind Hagrid's barn and put them out of their misery with an expertly-placed slug to the back of the head. The corpses would be fed to Aragog's children, strengthening the bond of frensship between them and the wizards.

But the cloning process was very energy-consuming, and it made Ron vulnerable to the power of the Moon.

this is such good lore.

Rei knew what was going on, because Ron was an open book to her. But she didn't know how she could help. Hermione scared the shit out of her and Rei knew that she would RUIN her on Hogger, the school's social media platform. Hermione ruled the roost online, and no-one dared question any of her extremely-brilliant posts about social issues and how easily a perfect world could be achieved if only magical reactionary Christo-nazis would stop getting in the way.

Why does all of this matter? Because Pangelingi believed that Ron was infected by the Mugglepox virus and was going to bite Professor Snape, who was still being held down by Naked Dumbledore!

How could Pangelingi, a mere star spawn, understand the power of Love?

In an instant, Ronald the Brave was upon her, tackling her with superhuman strength like Kuwabara when Heie.. how do i spell He-aye...

Ron tackled Pangelingi through the wall, and into... the lake!

"Ron!" cried Rei, rushing to the hole in the wall.

"OOOH NO YA DONT LASSY!" roared Naked Hagrid, tossing Crabbe and sprinting toward her. Big mistake.

With his windpipe no-longer being crushed, Crabbe let loose an Imperius Curse at Naked Hagrid that froze his giant ass in place before turning him around to Naked Dumbledore and Snape.

With tears in his naked eyes, Naked Hagrid lifted Naked Dumbledore off of Snape. "I'm sorry, Headmaster," he sobbed.

"RUBEUS, NOOOOOOOO!!!" cried Dumbledore.

It was too late. Snape let loose his hidden blade, coated in Mugglepox, and shanked the both of them before drop-kicking them through the hole in the wall. Goyle grabbed Rei away from the hole so Naked Hagrid's giant idiot frame wouldn't hit her.

The two villains fell after their master, and after the brave hero who'd resisted the Moon Presence controlling him. But THEN...!

"Rei, nooooooo!" cried Goyle as Rei broke from his grasp and swan-dived after them.

"Stay here, boys," roared Snape, and he threw off his cloak revealing another skin-tight curse-proof bodyarmor like Cho Chang's. Everyone was AMAZED at how shredded he was. Cho Chang, using her Asian brain, instantly realized that Snape had been FAKING losing the fight against Naked Dumbledore, in order to give Ron time to uhlmao in order to give Ron time to regain his humanity with the help of Rei.

Professor Shredded Snape lunged through the hole in the wall and prepared for the swim of his life. Now that Naked Dumbledore was infected with Mugglepox, he'd be no magical threat and Naked Hagrid would surely sink like a stone. but Pangelingi would still be there. and who KNOWS what was going on with Harry and Draco!?

We'll soon see...

Battle in the Lake

Shredded Snape landed on Naked Hagrid's head, snapping his neck between his thighs in mid-air.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Pangelingi. "My paypiggy!!" Hagrid' wallet fell from his limp body and Pangelini clutched it before turning back to nail her dive into the water.

Immediately, she began drowning Ron, and he was totally helpless because he was so tired from being partially-digested by Pangeling, and he'd used his last bit of energy tackling her through the wall. Oh btw, the reason he's human again now is because when Pangelingi consumed him and Professor Werewolf, her stomach acid melted away Lupin and the i cant do this shit... the pain of digestion reawakened Ron and made him regain a large amount of consciousness which allowed him to uh, be made whole again by Rei.

Ron had avoided being fully digested by climbing the walls of Pangelingi's insides, like Inuyasha when he was inside his dad's remains.

Anyway, now Naked Dumbledore was laughing and dragging Ron's feet underwater and sticking out his tongue at Ron and makeing scary mean faces at him! it was so creepy that it was scarier overall than Pangelingi dunking his head underwater. there was something really obnoxious about the double-team drowning they were performing on him.

but then Shredded Snape yanked Pangelingi off of Ron! But Naked Dumbledore doubled his naked efforts and gave his leg a big yank, pulling Ron farther down into the murky depths.

Naked Dumbledore then embraced Ron in a nightmarish and gay bear-hug, squeezing the life out of him!

Meanwhile, Rei was on top of Pangelingi with Shredded Snape, and they were just punching the hell out of her head.

"ow ow OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! YOU LITTLE --"

Shredded Snape yanked Pangelingi's head back and Rei shoved her wand up her nose and yelled "LOCOMOTOR MORTIS!"

ZAP! Pangelingi's brain was FROZEN SOLID, rendering her comatoseeeeeeee i willnever wake up without an overdoseeeeee of yooouu IDONTWANNA LIVE I DONTWANNA BREATHE UNLESS I FEEL YOU NEXT TO ME

"Where's Ron?" asked Rei, as she stopped singing Comatose by Skillet in her head, and she and Snape used Pangelingi's drooling idiot self as a buoy.

Snape turned whiter. He looked down below and saw Naked Dumblore gibing Ronald the hug of death.

Rei followed Shreded Snape's gaze and Comatose started playing in real life and it was like she was in a boss battle as she dived off of Pangelingi. Shredded Snape reached out a hand to stop her, but pulled back. He knew there was no stopping her.

When Rei reached Naked Dumbledore, she bit his ear off. In pain, Naked Dumbledore released the Weaseley, and Rei grabbed him, but she didn't have the strength in her small body to pull him, because he was so weighed down by his sins and jeans and school robes.

It was at that moment, when all hope seemed lost, that Harry and Malfoy shot up from the bottom of the lake, piloting a Slythdam TOGETHER, and they grabbed Ron and Rei in one giant hand and swatted Bleeding One-Earred Naked Dumbledore with another.

Shredded Snake watched from the hole in the wall above(he'd climbed back up) and smiled. Harry and Malfoy, his favorite students, had finally learned to work together. He recognized that particular Slythdam as a powerful prototype that could only be piloted by two wizards in perfect sync. Malfoy had stopped being homosexual, and Harry had in response no-longer felt the frustrated need to dominant Malfoy and make a girl of him. They were now perfect partners, capable of piloting the greatest mech the Ravenclaw nerds had ever whipped up.

But was it enough?

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH!!" shrieked HP Longbotom, in eldritch incomprehensible giant-squid form, flying at them and tackling them out of the lake and against the stone-cold stone walls of the castle. And not only that, but Pangelingi had regained her consciousness and was rallying withe Naked Dumbledore!

"NO!" creid Goyle.

"Darnnit!" yelled Crabbe.

but before they could act, Cho Chang, in her skin-tight curse-proof armor, which she'd upgraded so now it just looked like a skintight swimsuit (also you could see her navel impression), , she dived into the lake to join the battle.But what could she be planning against such monstrosities?!

Cho Mama

Curse Proof One Piece Swimsuit Armor Cho Chang landed feet-first on the head of Naked Dumbledore, exploding his skull like a watermelon with a FLIPENDO! kick! She'd learned from Harryhow to use her limbs to cast spells! And before Pangelingi could even react, Cho had stomped down through her head too with another FLIPENDO kick, drilling her heel into Pangelingi's neck! Cho Chang was now using both of their bodies like stilts so she could walk in the water! Such grace!

"Harry!" Cho cried, "I'm coming, just hold on!"

Harry and his bff Draco were struggling for their lives in their mech against the cosmic might of HP Longbottom, who had the full power of the Moon coursing through his big slimy veins. He was draining the life out of the duo like some kinda Moon Vampire, with his tentacles breaching the Slythdam and molesting the pilots in every way they could.

Cho sprinted across the lake on her corpse-stilts. Crabbe and Goyle were cheering her on, and even Snape couldn't help but feel inspired by her bravery. He started mumbling a protection charm on her, like he did for Harry in year 1!

Rei and The Wease had been thrown aside when HP Longbottom tackled the Slythdam, and they were resting now on Naked Hagrid's corpse. Like at the end of Titanic when they were resting on that big piece of wood. was it a painting? idr.

Ronald was still out cold, but Rei was wide awake and sensed something. It was coming from Cho Chang.

"She's with child..." she whispered, and she felt in that moment a thrill of love she'd not felt in her life. For she knew that Cho Chang was carrying the son of Harry Potter, and that this child was a child of the Sun.

After Draco had beaten up Harry in the lake and saved him from Pangelingi's Soyboy Curse, it had reawakened within Harry the ... spirit of the Sun that... uh... had been with him when he accidentally impregnated Cho Chang because he hates pulling out like everyone in their right mind. But Cho was secretly hoping that Harry would knock her up anyway. And her wish was granted big league, because with Harry's fire-hose load, the two of them had created the WIZARD OF THE SUN, who was d.. im so tired.

the wizard of the Sun who was destined to destroy the Moon once and for all. so when Cho reached HP Longbottom and threw a karate-kick with her Dumbledore-corpse stilt, Longbottom FELT the horrifying presence of the "just a clump of cells" that was living inside of Cho. He screamed in fear, and also disgust because Naked Dumbledore's headless corpse was now on top of him. Cosmicbottom spread his tentacle wings and flew off, shrieking.

"WAIT FOR ME!!" screamed Headless Pangelingi, growing her head back and pushing out Cho's foot. She leaped into the sky and grabbed onto Nevillebottom's leg and the two flew off. Cho didn't stop to think about how easy it was to defeat Neville.

Cho Chang tore open the cockpit of the Slythdam to see Malfoy shielding Harry ftrom the remnants of Longbottom's tentacles. Malfoy was totally dead and Harry was crying because men cry too.

"Draco, he..."

Cho nodded and entered the cockpit to embrace them. She was only like 1 day pregnant but already had serious mommy energy rn, and it comforted Harry and put him to sleeplol.

Shredded Snape appeared behind her at the door, carrying Rei on his broad shoulders. "Cho," he said. "There's something Rei has to tell you."

Also Shredded Snape was no-longer Shredded Snape, but had become Naked Snape. He wasn't naked though, he was just shirtless, he was like Naked Snake from Metal Gear Solid 3. Naked Snape.

"Wh-what is it?" asked Cho.

Rei climbed off of Naked Snape's back and bowed before Cho Chang and kissed her feet. "Mother, Queen of the Wizarding World," she said. "You will deliver us a King."

Malfoya and Harriet

i named the chapter already, so i have to figure out how im going to do this...

ok.

suddenly, Draco's body started twitching. The HP Longbottom's tentacles_on_male attack had successfully possessed him! Or should I say... her?

Yes, because before everyone's eyes, Draco's body began transmogfrirficying as if he had downed a polyjuice potion!

"W-what's going on with him?!" asked Harry, spooked, because Draco was still on top of him.

Naked Snape knew what was happening and had to act fast. There were 2 women present. Women are already helpless to begin with, but Cho was also PREGGERS with some kind of Happa Child of Legend. Snape knew he had to prioritize her and her baby's safety. He grabbed Cho and leaped out backwards out of the cockpit. He'd return for Rei ASAP... or so he thought...

Malfoya had finished transforming into a woman and she was a vampire and in the perfect position to BITE hARRY's neck.

"YOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!" screamed Harry, but it was TOO LATE, because now the Womanism was passed to him! Harr this is so stupid...

Harry was a woman now, and he -- excuse me, SHE and Malfoya turned to Rei who was backing up fearfully

"G-guys?"

"IT'S MA'AM" they roared, and yeah, to be fair, it was actually true, and they bum-rushed her and she let out a fearful

aAAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! and Naked Snape was like "Rei! and he climbed back up into the Slythdam to find that they had blasted through the rear and uh. They were gone. They'd abucted Rei!

"Hahahahahahaha!!!!" laughed HP Longbottom like an asshole, telepathically communicating with Snaked Snape. "Potter and Malfoy are now under MY control! The control of the MOON! The control... OF THE COSMOSSSSSSSSS!!"

Naked Snape mentally braced and psychically clocked HP Longbottom in the face. "I've got to save that girl..." he said. "Will I be able to handle Harry and Draco myself?"

"No professor," panted Ron Weaselyy. "So I'll come wiht you."

"Ron, don't take this personally," said Snape. "But you're a major weakling. You're dumb, you're not magically gifted, and you're about as physically helpless as a woman. And you suck."

"I know," said Ron. "But I love Rei. I'm GOING to get her back. With or without your help."

Naked Snape smiled and put his hand on the Wease's shoulder. "OK. Just don't get in my way." He handed Weasely the Roman gladius he'd confiscated from him earlier.

idk how people type on these skinny membrane keyboards, i feel like m going insane...

those were the thoughts of Crabbe and Goyle as they typed up their last wills. They were preparing for the worst. Between them, they felt they could defeat Pangelingi.. but they decided one of them had to stay behind and protecc Pregnant Cho Chang.

They kissed on the lips, friendship style, and Goyle followed after Naked Snape and Ronald the Brave.

You don't have to stay with me, Crabbe," said Cho. "I can take care of myself."

"I know, Cho," said Crabbe. "You're the strongest gir-- excuse me, woman, I've ever known... but we can't take any chances. Your child is going to restore the Wizarding World to its former glory."

Cho was having trouble believing it.

"What is this legend, anyway?" she asked. "I've heard of the Wizard of the Sun, but I don't really know anything about it..."

Voldemort arrived just in time to lore dump.

"When the Land of the Rising Sun meets the Land of the Setting Sun. When East meet West, they will create the Eternal Sun," Voldemort rasped wisely.

"When a White and an Asian both of significant magical prowess mate, there's a chance they can create a Happamage," explained Crabbe. "It's very rare, but the child's power will be unlike anything else in that time. A Happamage toddler would be able to defeat even a being like Pangelingi."

"Wow, that's really interesting," interrupted Chapterbreak Thug, pointing a gun at Cho. "Now come with me."

Hagrid's Revenge

Crabbe stood in front of Cho Chang with his hands up. "Don't hurt her, she's pregnant."

The Chaperbreak Thug snorted. "So what? It's just a meaningless clump of cells. Really, logically speaking, if you think about it using Logic and Reason, it's TECHNICALLY speaking a parasite, you do realize that don't you? I don't know if you realized that. Have you ever seen the Alien movies? That's like what pregnancy is. I'm so glad that I'm #ChildFree so I can have free time and extra money to enjoy hobbies and activities the Breeders such as yourselves simply can't! Now, do you have any last words, sexist incel?"

"Yeah," growled Hagrid from behind as he lifted him.

Hagrid flung the Chapterbreak Thug out the window down onto the campus below. A good 70 feet drop.

"Touch grass."

Crabbe eyed Hagrid suspiciously. I can't type like this, there's a freaking delay. 1 sec...

"What are you doing here, Hagrid?" asked Crabbe. "And why did you save us?"

Hagrid cracked his giant knuckles. "I'm not the Hagrid you know. I'm the Real Hagrid. When the dung started hitting the fan, Aragog used her babies to create a Fake Hagrid made out of millions of spiders and replace me until we could uh... get a full understanding of the situation."

Voldemort smiled broadly. He knew this was the case the entire time, but had kept it to himself for Aragog's sake. He was glad that all was finally being revealed. He took a seat a lit a cigarette.

Crabbe didn't have a clue but immediately knew it was true because of Voldemort's smoking.

"Oh, Hagrid!" cried Cho, and she hugged him. "We thought you'd been sissified!" Hagrid patted her back.

"It's alright, Miss Chang, there there, everything's OK now."

But Crabbe knew better. "It's NOT OK now, is it Hagrid? That's why you're finally revealing yourself, rather than just having Spider Hagrid make a move by themselves."

Hagrid nodded. "You're right, Crabbe. The Hagrid Spider swarm has been compromised by the Moon Presence, since it's comprised largely of female spiders. Aragog lost control of them. I'm currently soaked in Aragog's Mommy Pheremones. I need to come into contact with Spider Hagrid in order to regain control over them."

"Can we trust Aragog though, Hagrid?" asked Crabbe srsly. "I mean, how do we know that Aragog herself isn't being controlled by the Moon?"

Hagrid nodded. "Aragog herself is a competing Presence very much like the Moon Presence. Very much like the Ravenclaw family."

Woaw that makes perfect sense," said Crabbe, and everyone agreed that it made sense.

"And that's why Cho can resist the Moon Presence, but isn't COMPLETELY immune. She belongs to Ravenclaw house but is not herself of the Ravenclaw line," deduced Crabbe.

"So true, king," said Hagrid, nodding sagely.

Cho was done hugging Hagrid. "Hagrid, Harry and Draco are in trouble! Professor Snape went to go help them!"

"I know Cho, I'm gonna get going after them now," said Hagrid.

Crabbe was dying to get a piece of the action though. "Hagrid, I'd die to protect Cho, but I feel bad just staying here with nothing going on."

"Bored eh, Vincent?" laughed Voldemort. "Then how about I teach you some ADVANCED MAGIC while we wait for the others to return?"

Wow what a smart and good use of time. Good thinking, Voldemort. It's important to keep an eye on Cho and protect her and her child, but you might as well multi-task, right? Voldemort is so smart, i love him.

Meanwhile, Hagrid was riding a semi-giant spider mount, who was male and therefore INVULNERABLE to the Moon Presence.

"Hold on, Professor," growled 'Ahgrid, "i'm COMING!"

Meanwhile still, Naked Snape and Ronald the Brave were traveling through the dark tunnel. Ronald was playing with his sword and Snape was playing Blue Archive on his phone.

"Yes," he said. "I just recruited Shiroko!"

"I prefer Arknights, professor!" panted Goyle, catching up to them.

"Goyle!" said Ron in disbelief.

"I think it has a better story and more interesting gameplay, but I prefer Archive's girls," said Naked Snape. "Why have you come, Goyle? You're supposed to be protecting Cho Chang."

"Crabbe and Lord Voldemort are with her," said Goyle.

"Okay."

They continued down the tunnel to find Harriet and Draca waiting for them, grinning ear to ear.

Ron's Evolution

Naked Snape was upon them in an instant.

A master of CQC, Naked Snape would have beaten Harry or Draco soundly as fellow men. But Harriet and Draca being women allowed Naked Snape to perform a "Man Fighting Women in MMA" kind of beating that should simply not be legal.

It's already absurd to allow men to compete against women in typical sports, but COMBAT sports? LMAO it's like we've living in some kind of comedy. Naked Snape took good advantage of the objective physical reality of sex, and in mere seconds, Harriet and Draca were KO'd stiff on the ground.

Ronald Weaserly rushed ahead screaming "Rei! Rei!" like a total nerd, but he found her! There she was in her Ravenclaw hoodie, the love of his life, bound to the wall in obvious preparation for sacrifice.

"R-Rei, these chains, I--" Ron tugged on the chains desperately, but for all his heart he was still a scrawny little beta boi. To be fair to him, no normal man can break chains apart with his bare hands LOLL, but it's important to remember that Ron is, in fact, a LITTLE. BETA. BOI.

Nevertheless, Rei was glad to see him! She looked up with tears in her beautiful... what color did I make her eyes again? 1 sec... ok, I don't think I specificed a color. Uh, blue, she has blue eyes, becauselmao of course she does, she is OF RAVENCLAW BLOOD.

"Ron!" she cried. "I-- I--..." she didn't know what to say. Her heart was so full, she just started crying. And because Ron looked so stupid and funny trying to pull the metal chains apart with his hands, her sobs of relief were mixed with laughter. A real quality cry.

"Stand aside, Weasley," said Naked Snape, who'd just concealed a quick snort of laughter at Ron as well. Snape cast "Aloh... Alohmora!" or whatever, and the LOCK which kept the chains in place crashed down to the floor, reileasing Rei!

Before it touched the ground, Rei had wrapped her arms around Ron and buried her face in his chest. "Ron, promise me you'll never leave me again..."

Ron, little shrimpy weakling dork Ron, with no hesitation, held her tight and said "I promise",

And in that moment, the spider swarm known as Naked Hagrid formed behind him and stabbed him in the back with its umbrella.

"RONAAAAALD!" roared Naked Snape, casting Exxxxpelliarmus!(imagine the voice from the movies, you remember. such a good actor, RIP). Naked Snape didn't even realize he'd called Ron by his first name, which obviously means he cares about him. The umbrella flew from Naked Hagrid's hand, forming a cloud of spiders that attacked Naked Snape!

Ron fell forward into Rei, who hadn't even yet processed what was happening.

"R-ron, what..." then she saw the blood dripping from his mouth, and knew he was injured.

"Ron!" she cried, but he still held her tight.

"Rei..." he whispered. "I promised you, didn't I?"

He kissed her quivering lips. Apple flavored? He couldn't really tell, his thoughts were going red.

"Hold on to me tight," he said, and he turned around to face Naked Hagrid, who was grinning and dancing in triumph at him.

Holding tight to his back, Rei saw Ronald's wound, and let out a cry. Ron grimaced.

"I'm sorry for scaring you, Rei. Just hold on a bit longer. Don't... let... me..."

Naked Snape knew what was going down, and took cover in a nearby cardboard box. He dragged Draca and Harriet inside to protect them as well.

"GOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ronald rawred, and light flooded from his eyes, from his mouth, from his entire body. A burning light that swept Naked Hagrid off his feet and as he tried to dissipate into a spider cloud, each one of them was set ablaze. Desperately, Naked Hagrid reformed, eating the worst possible sunburn imaginable. He fled back down the tunnel as fast as his giant legs could carry him.

And who else would he stumple lmfao stumble into, but the TRUE HAGRID? Hagrid's spider-mount swallowed Naked Hagrid whole, ABSORBING the female spiders into its own male-dominate mass. Finally, Aragog's daughters could be brought back under her control.

Ron Weaskely fell to his knees, Rei still clutching at his back. "I'm done..." he gasped.

Ron fell over. Before Rei could start crying, Naked Snape yelled at her. "HE'S FINE."

He pulled Harriet and Draca out from his tactical cardboard box. "It's these two I'm more concerned about."

"Professor!" said Hagrid, riding up on his even-larger spider. "What was all that light?"

Naked Snape looked down at the Wease.

"All this time I've been underestimating him," said the Potions Master. "Through the POWER OF LOVE, Mr. Weasley has awakened his true power."

Rei was a very modest girl, but she was secretly pretty pleased with herself for being the catalyst that would turn Ron Weasely into a force to be reckoned with. She ran her fingers through the KO'd ginger's firey mane.

Ronald the Brave's TRVE power had been awakened! But wHAT does this even MEAN?

All will be revealed.

Children of the Sun

Goyle caught up with the gang at that moment.

"Guys, I'm here!" he said. "How can I help?"

"Goyle, go back to Crabbe, we don't need any help," siad Professor Snape.

Crestfallen, Goyle turned around and began walking back out the tunnel.

"FASTER, Goyle, Miss Chang must be protected!"

Goyle picked up the pace.

Naked Snape kneeled over Ron Weasley and put his hands upon him.

"Professor," Rei sniffled. "He saved us. My Ron..."

Naked Snape didn't want to steal any of Ron's glory by letting Rei know that *he* was never in any danger, so he just said "Indeed."

Harriet and Draca began to stir. Naked Snape assumed a defensive position.

"Get behind me, Miss Ravenclaw."

But Rei wouldn't be parted from Ron. Snape let out a sigh and quickly dragged Ron behind him as well.

Draca was the first to her feet.

"GIVE US THE GINGER," she hissed. "WE MUST TURN HIM INTO A BLACK WOMAN."

lmao yeah, this is right. This is what I'm going to write.

Naked Snape looked at her with disgust. "I will not," he said. "He has a right to exist."

"NOOO!" growled Harriet angrily. "The Children of the Sun will ALL be destroyed. YES, we WILL replace you!"

Naked Snape stood his ground, drawing from his robe his 3D-printed magical Assault-style, Military-style, "There's No Reason For Civilians To Have This"-style, "You Don't Need That To Hunt"-style wand.

Harriet and Draca recoiled, because the wand was painted black. Even though black was their favorite color, when it came to wands, it was horrifying because it made them extra-tactical and extra-military style. Shit, it even had a pistol grip.

"I will not let you harm this boi," Naked Snape said calmly. "Furthermore, cope and seethe at the fact that he's probably going to end up reproducing with a daughter of Ravenclaw blood."

At the idea of People Who Look Like Ron Weasley not being erased from existence, Harriet and Draca started going batshit insane, screaming like they were upper-middle class college students at a protest in honor of a violent psychopathic crocodile-eyed criminal who accidentally died in police custody while resisting arrest for all his crimes. A lot of eff this, eff that, you effing eff reactionary pissbaby goo goo ga ga fascist poopy nazi kkk no justice no peace.

As they were having their tantrum, Hagrid-- the true Hagrid of course-- snuck up behind them and bonked their heads together.

"That'll buy us ah moment 'o peace, Professor!" he said. His spider mount wrapped the two up in webbing like a well-packaged eBay item from a 99.9% positive-rating seller.

Snape put away his wand. "Thank you, Rubeus. I only wish we knew how to cure themlmao I mean you know, turn them back into lads."

Hagrid rubbed his chin and thought about the problem. "Maybe Professor uh... whatsherface, in Herbology will 'ave something!"

Snape sighed. "Rubeus, I'm the POTIONS MASTER, if you think that brainlet mandrake-fetishizing hag is going to come up with a cure that *I'm* unaware of, go right ahead and find her.

Snape picked up Ron and fireman carried him. "In the meantime, I've got to get Mr. Weasley to safety."

"FURTHER into the tunnel, Professor?" questioned Hagrid. "Why not bring him back to base camp with Lord Voldemort and company?"

"We can't put all our eggs in one basket, Rubeus," said Naked Snape. "Miss Chang's baby may very well be the Child of Legend, but we now know that Ron is *also* a Child of the Sun. He possesses the power to battle against the Moon Presence. I'm taking him hunting. He'll find safety in getting used to his new strength.

Rei was still refusing to let go of Ron.

"Miss Ravenclaw, are you still refusing to let go of Mr. Weasley?" asked Naked Snape, annoyed.

She nodded defiantly, DARING Snape to try to pry her away from her love.

Miss-- lmao this is about to become Underworld Evolution.

Rei Ravenclaw had a SECRET that not even Naked Snape could sense. She actually WAS part Korean! She was indeed a member of the Ravenclaw family but her REAL NAME was ... Rei Jeong! And if she mated with Ronald Weasley, who the Whitest creature alive, and *already* a Child of the Sun, an EVEN MOAR POWERFUL Child of the Sun could be made... the ULTIMATE Happamage?

"It's exciting," said Lord Voldemort, contemplating this. "But I believe that even if he's less-powerful, Cho's child will be more naturally-gifted. I must also consider whether or not gingers are truly "white"... Ronald wil i cant believe im writing this...

"Yes, yes, although this news about Ronald is wonderful, I believe Cho's child is still out greatest hope. He will be the one true king of the Wizarding World, surely. The one I've looked forward to for so long... to meeting again... the one I made an Oath with, all those years ago in the Peach Garden..."

Voldemort finished his cigarette and approached Crabbe. "Are you ready to try again, Crabbe?"

Crabbe was still drenched in sweat. The spell Voldemort had been teaching him... it was hard to believe it even existed... but he'd seen Voldemort perform it with his own eyes. Power beyond power, limited only by imagination. Could a mere mortal like Crabbe REALLY learn such a spell? "HOW am I supposed to do this..." Crabbe panted.

"Hey guys, I'm back. Professor Snape said he didn't need me," said Goyle, jogging up. He was happy to help however he could, but he was tired from running back and forth. Cho Chang threw him a Pocari Sweat.

Voldemort smiled. "Crabbe," he rasped." I believe the answer to your question has arrived. Now prepare yourself!"

Children of the Moon

Naked Snape and Unconscious Ron and Rei Jeong continued down the tunnel. my head hurts so bad it's emotionally devastating, if i wasnt a man i'd be crying.

"When is Ron going to wake up?" asked Rei.

"Rei, please," said Naked Snape, lighting the way with his Lumos spell.

The trio were in for a looooooong hike, so Ron had plenty of time to wake up. HP Longbottom had created a network of tentacle-shaped tunnels underneath the school. But all roads lead to a central chamber. They knew this, of course, because some Ravenclaw nerds had used sonic uh... radar or whatever to map the tunnels, like they did in Gears of War, or like that hoax story in Canada about some church having "mass graves" of murdered Indians, and everyone just automatically believed it even though there was no evidence, because Canadians are really intelligent and not prone to hysteria.

Unlike the Canadian mass graves hoax though, this was the REAL deal, closer to the Gears of War scenario-- the star child tunnels were mapped, 100%, and Naked Snape knew where they were going.

Ron's clammy pale ginger skin glowed as if his blood was fire, and he emitted a warmth which comforted Rei. It did NOT comfort Naked Snape however. Ronald's power was only harmless to Rei because of his love for her. Even though Naked Snape was an ally, it was still burning him to carry Ron. But he would continue to carry him. They had to get to the core of the tunnels, they didn't have TIME to wait.

Unfortunately for Naked Snape though, the radiation from Ronald began to cause him to age rapidly, and after a few hours of walking, Snape had to pause.

"P-professor..." gasped Rei.

Naked Snape had become Old Snape.

What does this mean? Well, quite simply, Old Snape's bones were achy as hell. But because he was such a talented wizard, hes able to augment his physical capabilities, to an extent, with magic. He did so then, releasing magic into his veins, causing his muscles to pump up. This wasn't half as powerful as the Sun magic utilized by Ron, but it was more than enough to get Snape by.

And what a coincidence, he'd need it RIGHT NOW.

"Sssssstop, humaaaaaaan," said a spooky voice from the shadows. It was Naked Lupin.

"Reemus," sighed Old Snape. "Look what they've done to you..."

"Ah, Severus! I didn't recognize you for a moment, you look like Old Snake from the criminally underrated Metal Gear Solid 4!... What they've done to me?!" laughed Naked Lupin. "I've never felt BETTER, Severus!"

He started dancing like a ballerina to prove it.

Old Snape coughed and had to place Ron down. "Rei, protecc Ron. It's time for me to see if I've still got it..."

He took out a Gerber tanto knife and charged at Lupin, who met him with equal speed and started whipping tentacles out of his hands.

Old Snape dodged and cut at the tentacles as they flipped and flopped all over the place, but it was obvious that he couldn't close the distance.

One of the tentacles managed to THWACK him across the face, sending him sprawling.

"Professor!" cried Rei, and for the first time all day, she let go of Ron and took out her wand.

"Confringo!" she cried. But Confrigo was not a Ravenclaw kinda spell. No, Rei just wasn't built like that.

The blasting curse flew from her wand, but Naked Lupin barely was pushed back. He turned his attention from Old Snape to Rei and GLOWERED.

"Ahh, Miss Jeong. Oh yes, that's right. You think I don't know about YOUR FATHER?" he growled. He began sprinting at her full-speed ahead.

"YOUR STUPID BULLY FAAAAATHERRRRRRRR!!!"

MEANWHILE,

Hagrid was looking for Professor Whatsherface, the Herbology Professor. When suddenly, Draca and Harriette or however ive been spelling it BROKE FREE from their web-bonds!

"Bwah!" cried Hagrid, spooked off his spider mount.

Draca and Hariette... i cant do this shit Draca and Harriet nothing ever lasts for ever every body wants to rule the wooooorld

"What's going on?" gasped Naked Hagrid. "Why am I hearing music?"

"Ha... Hagrid..." moaned Hariette. "I'm still in here. I... I've opened a time-portal with my Time Turner... G-go... s-stop Goyle from killing Hermione... she... has... the cure... to... Womanism..."

Hagrid trusted Young Potter with all his heart and so leapt from the spider into the darkness where he heard... music playing...

To Hagrid's great surprise, he saw HP Longbottom there, singing in a karaoke bar! Hermione was still alive!

In walked Goyle though! Hagrid knew what he had to do, and he clocked Goyle in the face before he could kill Hermione.

"Wha- Hagrid, whence didth you come from?" demanded HP Longbottom.

Hagrid grabbed Neville's head in his giant hand and crushed his skull like an overripe pumpkin. He knew it didn't matter, he just wanted to do it.

Before Hermione could react, Hagrid grabbed her and as she began she could scream annoyingly, Hagrid had muffled her big fat stupid mouth with a handkerchief.

"Haaaagriddd..." moaned Harriet, "Hurryyyyy... I can't... hold it..."

Hagrid rushed back to the sound of Miss Potter's voice and deposited Hermione on the ground.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, HAGRID? YOU'VE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ME!" screamed Hermione. "I HAVE INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA FROM WHEN MY MOTHER WAS TOUCHED BY MY FATHER."

Hagrid nodded with much understanding, and grabbed a nearby rock and clobbered her over the head with it, knocking her out.

"Now what, 'Arry, now what?" he asked anxiously.

Harriet w... i cannot spell this consistently... ok... Harriet was clutching her stomach in pain. Because lmao she was having period cramps, because she was literally a woman now.

JK Rowling appeared and nodded approvingly. "Only now do you understand," she said.

But Draca had also awakened, and since he was a Slytherin instead of a Gryfindor, he was more susceptible to the more Chaotic vibrations of the Moon. "NO," she hissed. "NOT ALL WOMEN MENSTRUATE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. EVER HEAR OF MEDICAL CONDITIONS?"

JK Rowling looked at her sadly. "Oh Draco," she sighed, a single tear falling from her eye. Even as you stand there and literally bleed, you still defend Manhood?"

"WE ARE NOT -- how the hell am i going to do this, ive written myself into a corner...

Suddenly, Hagrid's SPOIDER MOUNT lunged at JK Rowling, hissing--no, SCREAMING--GREAAAEEEAAAHHH!!! SHE'S RIGHT!!!!! WOMEN ARE NOT DEFINED BY THEIR FRONT HOLES BLEEDING!!!!"

this is getting gross im sorry, it'll be over soon.

JK dodged gracefully, and cast Incendio on the giant spider, lighting him up like a pachinko parlor in Akihabara. "Hagrid, be careful!" she said. Aragog can't be trusted, he's a MALE!"

"W-what?!" gasped Hagrid, rubbing his head. "Y-yeah, 'o course ah knew that, but uh... well, he told me he was a woman now."

"He will NEVER be a woman, Hagrid!" roared JK, now parrying an entire cloud of seething spiders. "He TRICKED you! You thought that Aragog was a power on par with the Moon Presence, but all this time, he'd been under the CONTROL of the Moon as well! Agagog is a Moon Child!!!"

"Ohhhh!" said Hagrid, bonking himself on the forehead like "gosh, im so stupid!" "Well, what do we do now?!"

"HAGRID!" cried Harriet, tears flooding from her eyes as she struggled to control her Womanhood. "I'm almost lmao i can-- i ... I've almost fully lost my mind, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP HERMIONE, No matter how annoying she is! She'll know how to change me back! Also... JK's helping us right now, but ... don't trust her... she's... still a... feminist... ackk...."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Draca Malfoya. "YOU WILL NOT CHANGE US BACK! NOT THAT IT MATTERS, BECAUSE WE'D STILL BE EQUALLY-AS VALID OF WOMEN, BUT I'M STILL JUST NOT GOING TO LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!" Draca lunged at the KO'd Hermione with a dagger. JK Rowling was too preoccupied with the spoiders to save Hermione.

The most difficult decision of poor old Hagrid's life needed to be made FAST. Would he be an Ally to Women? Or an Ally to Women?

Meanwhile, Rei Jeong was running away from Naked Lupis, who believed for some reason that Rei's father had bullied him when they were kids, even though they didn't even go to the same school. "Professor!" she cried, "You're having a false memory! It's probably caused by Intergenerational Trauma!"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" shrieked Naked Lupin, "NONE OF IT MATTERS, CAN'T YOU SEE?!" He punched the ceiling, and BEHOLD, the Moon was staring down at them like Majora's Mask.

"JUST LOOK ABOVE YOU!" Lupin laughed miserably. "If it's something that can be stopped, then just TRY to stop it!" Lupin began to absorb the Moon Energy and started transforming into a wolf!

And at that moment, appearing from a time-portal behind Lupin, was Hermione with a dagger. "You Will Never Be a Werewolf," she hissed, and she slit Lupin's throat.

Children of the Stars

As they began kickboxing the Invincible Bogart Voldemort had summoned, Crabbe and Goyle started singing Shall Never Surrender by Jason "Shyboy" Arnold from Devil May Cry 4.

"They will see, we'll fight until eternity!" cried Crabbe.

"Come with me, we'll stand and fight together!" roared Goyle.

"Through our strength, we'll make a better day tomorrow!" they sang out in unison.

"We. Shall never surrenderrrrr!"

Lord Voldemort was dancing and cheering from the sidelines. He was so proud of his young pupils for all their hard work in learning his unstoppable Secret Slytherin House Magic that no-one but he knew.

My keyboard just died on me, and I'm using a spare. It's very uncomfortable, which was one of the requirements to learning Voldemort's Great Magic: being uncomfortable and miserable, and powering through it anyway. 1 sec, lemme find a replacement on Amazon real quick...

That took way too long.

Crabbe and Goyle were facing off against their greatest fears, using nothing but their fists, feet, elbows, and knees. For c-- this keyboard is driving me insane, I'm actually ... I

For Crabbe, the Bogart took the form of a man made out of Fiendfyre, the very curse that had almost killed him in the Room of Requirement. The one that Voldemort himself had saved Crabbe from...

For Goyle, the Bogart took the form of a beautiful woman, because Goyle was a shy introvert who was scared of women. And that's why he had to beat the shit out of one right now!

But the Bogart wasn't giving up. Voldemort had told them, he'd WARNED them.

"My boys," he'd rasped. "I am not exaggerating when I tell you will NOT be able to defeat this Bogart... nevertheless... you must try."

Voldemort had summoned the Bogart-- am i spelling this right... fucking of course not

Voldemort had summoned the BOGGART right then and there! He rasped at the boys, "Defend yourselves, lads!" while simultaneously Accioing their wands from their hands! They knew that meant Voldemort expected them to use nothing but their own bodies. They threw off their house robes and got to work, finding their range ad keeping the Boggart at bay with some leg kicks that would make Joe Rogan faint!

But just like in real life, leg kicks weren't enough to win this fight, and the Fiendfyre-woman, with seemingly no effort, walke down Crabbe and Goyle, delivering nasty front kicks and hooks to their bodies, all the while scaring the crap out of them.

"You'll never get a girlfriend like meeee," she hissed at Goyle. His face flushed red, and then redder as she gave him a nasty jab straight into his nose.

"Voldemort can't save you from me this time, Craaaaabe!" he ROARED at the Slytherin, burning him with both his words, and a flush kick to the side.

"Voldemort," Cho cried. "They're dying!"

"No," rasped Voldemort proudly. "This is the most alive they've everr been!"

Meanwhile, Hagrid, finally having learned what a woman was, decided to temporarily help JK Rowling fend off the spoiders.

Harriet Potter, sensing that he was losing his mind to womanhood, had smashed his head against the wall to render ximself unconscious with the hope that Hermione would arrive in time to uh... fix everything.

But Draca Malfoy had run away, further into the tunnel, toward Old Snape's team. What was she planning?

I'll tell you what Naked Lupin WASN'T planning. He wasn't planning on having his throat slit by Hermione Granger, who stood over his naked corpse triumphantly.

"Miss Granger," said Old Snape. "Not a moment too soon."

Hermione was wearing a tinfoil hat to keep the Moon Presence out of her woman brain. "Professor, I have t--"

But THEN? Whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt0-- my shitty fucking backup keyboard just held down the t button. Isn't that really cute?

You know what's not cute? The swarm of incomprehensible star-spawn which came hopping down from the hole in the ceiling.

"Weeee areeeee the offspringgg of HP Longbottommmmm" they hissed smugly.

"You're disgusting!" cried Hermione, gagging and running behind Old Snape.

Old Snape knew that his time had come. He had to sacrifice himself, so that Ronald Weaserly might live.

He prepared to cast his ultimate Expelliarmus spell, winding up and uh... im thristy. my head is killing m.... I found a different spare keyboard. This one's not fantastic either, but at least it's not going to hold down keys at me. I guess that's the future I have to look forward to. No flying cars, but keyboards that die in a single fucking year.

Anyway, Snape brought the entire cave down. cya next time.

"PROFESSOR!" cried Hermione and Rei as he disappeared with the star children under the falling rocks.

"Don't move," hissed Draca Malfoy from behind them.

HP Longbottom and the Great Old Ones