HP

Cosmic Horror

"you shouldnt have bullied me, Malfoy..." growled HP Longbottom the famous Hufflepurff writer of "Cosmic Horror"

Cosmic Horror is the best kind of horro r because it acknoweldgess that if gods existed (they do not, scientifically speaking) then they wouldnt care about us at all because theyd be so big and we'd be like ants to them.

i always laugh whenever i see christians talk about how much their magical skydaddy loves them lmao. try reading a little HP Longbottom, and then you'll realize just how insignificant you really are.

"MALFOOOOOOY!!!" screamed Longbottom, and he used the Sword of Grifindor to perform Balrog's Gambit from the Lord of the Rings game. (TW: do not read lord of the rings, it was written by a Catholic, the movies are racist too, AVOID)

Balrog's Gambit was simple enough to perform. It was one of the first combos that Neville "HP" Longbottom had learned when he began training with the blade. Simple, but incredibly effective. It consisted of a quick horizontal slash at the opponent's chest, followed by a shove before they could recover, and a powerful uppercut-slash to seal the deal. It was a risky manuever to pull off if there were other enemies around, since either the shove or the vertical slash could be interrupted from the side. Thankfully HP Longbottom had found Malfoy all alone at his locker, with no-one to help him!

Malfoy was dead on the ground in an instant. it was worth the price in house points that would be deducted from Hufflepuff to take out Slytherin's MVP this early in the year.

"Heh, looks like another weakling couldnt hang... this isnt little kid hogwarts anymore, this is Hogwarts University, wehre we learn advanced magic," said Ron Weasley, brandishing his roman gladius.

"Check yourself, Weasely," said Longbottom, the big man on campus. "I dont wanna see that thing out of its shethe unless youre asking for a duel. swords are my domain., and im not going to tolerate anyone challenging me--even if youre not intending to. i hope you understand, because im not giving you a choice and im not going to repeat myself." Longbottom said all of this while he was writing a new piece of lore into his Necronomicon:

The Great Old One, Cthulu was like g*dzilla, but had a tentacle face and bat wings. he could make you go insane just by LOOKINg at him. that's how big and unbeliebablbe he was. human minds are so stupid and weak they cant even comprehend how cosmically insignificant we are. and thats why HP Longbottom wanted to become a writer, so he could change society for the better and get rid of bullies who who have human-centric views and no empathy.

"Sorry, HP," said Ron Weasely, sheathing his blade. "I got a little too excited, i respect you as the swordsman of the school. if you ever need my blade though--"

"you know i dont"

"of course."

anyway HP Longbottom was late for his favorite class... Potions class...

Explotions Class

"Neville!" cried Hermione Grander, his girlfriend(female)

"What do you want, woman?" asked HP Lovebottom.

"I want you to explain to me why Draco Malfoy is lying dead in the middle of the hallway on the 3rd floor in front of the FORBIDDEN CORRIDOR," growled Hermione.

HP Longbottom perked up. he liked it when Hermione tested his patience. she was the only one who could, because she was SO tight it was unbelievable. when HP stole Hermione from Ron, he was amazed at how tight she was. Ron must have had such a shrimpy little dick lmao.

"If i told you, id have to kill you too lol" Neville teased, giving her a gentle choke. Hermione's panties couldnt contain her excitement and HP Longbottom ordered Ronald, little baby dick Ronald, to go get a mop.

"anyway Mai, i killed Draco because he gave me attitude. also he was a bully to me back when he still could. all those years ago at Hogwarts 1.

Mai was what Neville AKA HP Longcraft called his girlfriend Hermione because Hermione is such a stupid name with too many syllables so it's unpleasant to say, so HP always just called Her Mai.

"Now get out of here, Mai. The Slytherins are gonna be looking for revenge. I wouldnt be surprised if they came after one of our Freshmen," said Longcraft. "Tell the other Griffs to stay alert. Let my lieutenants know to be on MAXIMUM war-anxiety level.

Mai nodded and skipped away. Ronald came back with the mop and began mopping up her juice.

"Ron, I might yet need your gladius today after all. I hope you're better with it than you are with that broom."

"it's a mop."

"I dont remember asking, but just be ready for the worst. Draco Malfoy was their best duelist, no doubt about it. But that's not how Slytherins roll. we both know that. they prefer the hidden blade, the poison. they fancy themselves a bunch of Italians or Jews. But we'll show them the Anglo spirit yet, won't we?

Ron nodded.

"Well, I will, you redheaded fairy. But I'm sure you'll be of some use yet. Drop the broom, let's get to work on our fortifications. Come with me to Potions class and we'll strategize."

Ron looked at him. "But I've got Charms class on the 5th floor."

HP Longbottom looked at him, sighed, and reached into his satchel to take out his Necronomicon.

"WAIT!" cried Ronald, "I'm sorry, let's go, of course you're right."

Ron dropped his broom(mop) and the two went down into the Dungeons of Hogwarts U., to meet with their oldest and greatest ally: Professor Snape.

Science. Logic. Reason. Atheism. These are the ingredients of the perfect potion.

HP Lovebottom loved Potions class because it was as cool and calculating as he was. no room for emotion, only FACTS, and cold hard data.

"Before you enter my classroom," said Severus Snape, "You must receive your temporary booster to immunize yourself from Mugglepox.

the Mugglerona Virus AKA Mugglepox was a horrifying new disease that stripped Witches and Wizards of their magic, rendering them Muggles, or People of No Magic. No magical person wanted to catch it, but it was considered INSANELY racist to think that there was something wrong with being a Muggle, so Severus Snape was actually a gigantic bigot for having his students take this shot.

"HP Longbottom," said Snape. "I heard you killed Malfoy."

"I don't regret it," said Longbottom.

"Nor should you. He was gay, and a superspreader of Mugglepox," droned Snape, bored. "I'm glad he's dead to be honest, because i was going to have to do something about him myself. Too many innocent witches and wizards have contracted Mugglepox."

"Well we've got an even bigger problem now, ser," ssaid HP. "the Slytherins arent gonna take LMaofoy's death lightly, they're going to retaliate. They wont DARE to come after Hufflepuff House as long as im in charge. but Mai's just a girl, a FEMALE, she cant defend Griffyindor on her own. so i know that's what those slimy serpents are going to target."

"You're right," said Snape. "Here, take this potion."

Snape handed HP Lovecraft what appeared to be an old-timey looney toons bomb.

"What is this professor?"

"Blasting powder. The highest tier of Potions. Hide that in the Slytherin common room while there's a bunch of students in it. light the fuse using your Incendio spell and run away. The blasting powder will take care of the rest."

HP Longbottom smiled. "I love it, thank you professor."

Snape smiled back. but then he frowned when he looked at Ron Weasely. "Weasely what are you doing here?"

"He's with me sir," said HP.

Snape gave Ron a look of like "dude youre luck that this cool guy is vouching for you otherwise id slam you into a locker right now"

HP turned to Ron "Ron, go put this bomb in the Slytherin common room. Make sure it's nice and crowded, ok? im gonna head to my room and work on my book."

"W-what?"

THEY SAY THAT THE TINY HUMAN BRAIN CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM HOW COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT IT IS, IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. BEHIND THE VEIL OF HUMAN ARROGANCE LIES THE UNIVERSE: COLD, DARK, BROODING, HATEFUL. THE MIGHTY ANCIENTS WHO'VE INHABITED THE STARS-- THE STAR CHILDREN-- THEY THINK OF HUMANS AS NOTHING BUT MERE COWS, WHO EXIST ONLY TO BE FARMED. wrote HP Longbottom.

Hermione Granger was SQUIRMING with desire. she was head over heels in love with Neville's intellectt. She was sexually attracted to intelligence. This is know as Sapiosexuality, and is itself a sign of EXTREMELY high intelligence, and not only that but also high empathy. You might say that she had superpowers EVEN MORE POTENT than her ability to use magic. It was why she did not fear the Mugglepox, and indeed even embraced it. But HP had forbidden her from attending a "gift giving" party that Malfoy had hosted to spread the gift to as many witches and wizards as possible.

rumor has it... that was the real reason why Neville had killed Malfoy. And by using such a forbidden technique, no less... he must really love and care bout Mai. or at least not want to get an std from her.

Diversity was the greatest strength of Hogwarts University, so any student from any house was allowed in any other house's common room. Well, officially anyway. but house-segregation was the true, unspoken rule. And if there ever appeared any of those creepy subversive types talking about "progress" in the form of "let me into your common room", the Big Dogs, the Chiefs of the Houses would step in and beat the crap out of him before his mind-virus could take root in their houses.

But Malfoy was dead. ANd no-one had the balls to stop Ron Weasley, HP Longbottom's Top Guy, from strolling right into their common room. He put his backpack down and sat on the couch. the nerve of this guy! If Malfoy were here... grr...

"Well," said Ron Weasley. "I just wanted to stop in to uh, pay my condolences. So uh... sorry..." he rustled through his backpack for a second. "I brought some flowers-- oh damn, i forgot them. Sorry, ill be right back..."

Ron Weasley quickly ran through the door of the coomon room and out into the hallway. A young Slytherin boy, a mere freshman-- a handsome tan lad with a zoomer haircut and his whole life ahdead of him--had suspected something, but when he went over to look in Ron's backpack, he only caught the briefest of looks at the black sphere that shattered, scattered, and splattered his mortal coil, and the mortal coils of every other Slytherin in the room.

it was a big blow to Slytherin House. HP Longbottom smirked as he penned the finale' of his chapter in his Necronomicon:

AND SO, JUST AS THEY WERE BORN FROM MEANINGLESS CLUMPS OF CELLS, SO HAVE THEY RETURNED TO THEM, WHILE THE ANCIENT ONES JUST LAUGH AND NOT CARE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL MERE DUST IN THE COSMIC WINDS. THEY WILL SURELY BE MISSED, BUT NOT BY THE UNIVERSE AND NOT BY ME!

HP lONNGbottom laughed so hard and he pet black his magical cat which was sleeping in his lap.

"I cant' get up, this cat is too cute i love it," he said. "my precious little [i couldnt decide between a number of funny racial slurs + man/boy/etc.]---if only humans could be more like cats...

"HP are you coming to bed?" asked Hermione.

"No, ill be sitting at my desk today and continuing my great cosmic horror book AND SO AS THUNDER STRUCK AND THE EYEBALLS OF THE MAN BOILED IN FEAR, IT APPEARED TO HIM AT LAST HOW MEANINGLESS AND STUPID EVERYTHING REALLY WAS., AND THEN HIS BODY EXPLODED IN A FEAST OF GORE."

Hearing such incredible geniusba, Hermione Granger didnt even NEED him to come to bed. 😩🌊

Goy's Awakening

ACTING ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR, TURN YOUR BACK ON MOTHER NATURE, EVERY BODY WANTS TO RULE THE WOOORLD

HP Longbottom sang his heart out the following night at the Huffle-Griff Karaoke, a bi-monthly meeting of the two allied houses, where they rekindled their friendships through song.

everyone cheered and clapped for HP because he was as good of a singer as he was a writer.

but then...

"What are you doing here, Boyle?" growled Hermione at Malfoy's #2, who'd crashed the party. unfortunately it was the last thing she ever said.

"AVADA KEDAVARA!!!" screamed Boyle as he -- wait a minute his name is actually Goyle lmao i though that was just me being, you know. but no, it really is Goyle. Okay, so Goyle shot his flashing green load right into Mai's face, and she collapsed onto the floor. Dead.

"HERMIIIIONEEEEEE!" screamed HP Longbottom, and he threw the karaoke mic at Goyle's head, but Goyle ducked and cast another another killing curse! AVADA DENUVO! An Area-of-Effect(AoE) killing curse that was like a 360 degree scattergun, and cleared almost the entire room, except a few who were lucky enough to duck in time!

"AT WAS FER MALFOOOOY!" laughed Goyle and he ran away out of the Karokae Bar, Hogsmeoke.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed HP Longbottom, clutching his stone-dead girlfriend. "SHE'S DEAD!!!!!"

"HP," said the ghost of Hermione. "I'll always be with you."

"NO YOU WONT!" shrieked HP Longbottom, shoving her. "GHOSTS ARENT REAL, THAT'S HIGHLY ILLOGICAL. YOU'RE JUST A HALLUCINATION CAUSED BY STRESS OR MAYBE SOME KIND OF MOULD IN THIS ROOM!!!"

"No HP, I'm a ghost, but I'm in limbo because I didn't accept Je--"

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT NAME" hissed Longnevile, shielding himself like a vampyr.

"HP, Goy's JUST getting started. He's going to start killing every last Hufflepuff and Gryffindor he can, and only YOU can stop him."

"I know that you're right," said HP Longbottom and he took out the sword of Gryiffindor.

"Not so fast, HP," said... HARRY POTTER!? "You're not a Grydinor anymore, so that sword isnt yours to wield. ANd Harry took out his OWN sword, a katana infused with Fiendfyre!!!

HP Longbottom smirked as his face transformed into a swarming mass of tentacles.

kk im going insane becuse the script i wrote to add paragraph tags to this for some reason is triggered whenever i hit the J key. so i gotta go because i am LITERALLY about to LITERALLY go insane so htats the end of this chapter.

will Harry duel HP Longbottom? Who will win? Only the Ancient Old Ones of the Cold Dark Cosmos know the future, and they wont divulge theeir secrets!

Harry's Dilemma

"LONGBOTTOM!" screamed Harry Potter. "GIVE ME THE SWORD OF GRIFYINDOR, OR ELSE, I'LL... I'LL.."

"You'll what?" shrieked HP LOngbottom even MORE loudly, and he took out his Necronomnicon. Horrified, Ron Weasely plugged up his ears as best as he could as HP Longbottom began reading the terrifying cosmic tome!

"THE UNIVERSE IS COLD AND UNCARING. IT DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, HARRY POTTER!" screamed HP Neville. "AND SO WHEN YOUR GUTS ARE SPLATTERED ACROSS THIS HALLWAY, YOU'LL ONLY THEN REALIZE JUST HOW MEANINGLESS YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE REALLY WAS. DO YOU HEAR THE RATS IN THE WALLS? THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU, HARRY! HOGWARTS IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOUR PUNY BRAIN CAN EVEN IMAGINE: AND IT'S JUST A SPECK OF DUST IN THE EVEN LARGER UNIVERSE, A UNIVERSE OF HUNGRY RATS AND YOU ARE MERELY THE--"

"HARRY!" cried Ron Weasley. "Just give up before you go insane, he's too powerful!"

At this point, Harry Potter shot Neville Longbottom in the head with his Beretta M9, his most treasured side arm.

"Rest in peace, Neville," said Harry Potter sadly.

"Harry!" cried the Wease. "It's a good thing that you were able to overcome the cosmic horror and kill HP before he drove you insane with how insignificant you are!

"Yeah, thanks I guess Ron, I dont really care. Where's your sister btw??" questioned the Boy Who Lived.

"My sister? Why do you want to know that?" asked Ron timidly.

Harry just stared at him. "Ronald, where is your sister?"

"She's out at Hogsbucks with Cho Chang..." Ron whimpered.

"Thank you, Ron. See, you can be useful after all. Sorry Hermione got killed btw. I guess she wasnt really YOUR girlfriend anymore, but I reckon you still had feelings for her, so that sucks."

Ron nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, I uh, guess. Thanks."

Harry patted him on the head like a dog, and started going. Then he turned back for a sec. "Ron. It's your fault that she's dead, you know," Harry said. Then he turned away and left to go find Ginny and Cho Chang.

Ron collapsed and started crying.

Harry Potter had no real interest in killing Goyle to avenge Hermione. Hermione was AIGHT, but quite frankly, Harry really just didnt care. He cared about other things. Like Quidditch. Other people. Like Ginny. Like Cho. Ron would have to cope with this loss by himself, and if he chose to seek vengeance? Well, more power to him. He wouldnt get any help from Harry.

Harry carefully placed the Sword of Grydifnoer back in his secret hiding spot-- how HP Neville had ever found it was a mystery to him. but then! He was visited by the ghost of Hermione!

"Harry..." moaned Ghostmione.

"Hey Hermione. Good to see you," Harry said, not even looking at her, but continuing getting dressed to go out to Hogsbucks and meet up with his 2 favorite girls.

"Harry, I need your help. Neville's in Hell."

"That doesn't surprise me," said Harry. "But what do you want me to do about it?"

"Save him, Harry. Please. Or else... or else Voldemort might return."

"Huh?"

"Look at the 'Necronomicon' that Neville was writing in," said Hermione sadly.

Harry sighed, walked back downstairs to Neville's corpse, and looted his satchel.

"Ah, I see," said Harry.

HP Longbottom's Necronomicon was another one of Voldermort's Toilet Diaries. By writing in it, he must have been fueling Voldemort in the afterlife.

"So what's the sitch?" asked Harry. "Is Voldemort powerful enough to come back yet?"

"Not yet," said Hermione. "I've been watching him, because he's on the other side of limbo, where all the real sickos go, and he's starting to do some jumping jacks and stuff, it's very scary but he doesnt appear to be THAT powerful yet.

"OK, well just keep an eye on him. I'll destroy Neville's stupid book."

"Harry no, HP Longbottom's Necronomicon can only be destroyed by using the blood of STAR CHILD, one of the great OLD ONES who --"

"You mean like those stupid tentacle monsters and stuff, the "incomprehensible" cosmic horrors?" asked Harry, flipping through the boring and not-scary book.

"Yes! and only HP LONGBOTTOM knows how to summon them!"

"Okay, well I'm gonna go to Hogsbucks becase this isnt really my problem anyway. If Voldemort comes back, I'll kill him again, so I dont see the point of chasing after giant monsters. Not that I'm scared, I just really sincerely do-not care and i dont have the time. OK Hermione? Neville, or 'HP Longbottom' if you want to call him that stupid name-- he deserves to be in Hell anyway."

But HARry!" cried Hermione.

"Kk, ttyl Hermione," said Harry, and he appaderated outside.

"Not so fast, 'Arry," said GOYLE, and he beaned Harry in the back of the head with a brick.

An Uneasy Alliance

hol up-- ok the script's working again.

"Where am I?" demanded Harry Potter, who now had a bag over his head.

"BEHOLD!" screamed Goyle, and he took off Harry's bag, and behold! they were in the sewers.

"Why are we in the sewers?" asked Harry, "And why am I tied to a chair? Goyle you better start providing me with some damn-good explanations, or when I untie myself in about 10 seconds from now, I'm going to beat you so bad the police wont even let your parents see your body. I will wear my fists down to the bone.

"Harry pelase calm down," said Goyle. "I need your help."

"Yeah I'm hearing that a lot recently."

"Harry, I know that Ghost-Hermione visisted you and told you about Voldemort and the Necronomicon. But what she didn't tell you, and maybe you remember it, is that NEVILLE HIMSELF is a star child! Remember when his face started growing tentacles? You kinda just ignored it and shot him."

"Yeah of course I remember that."

"Well NEVILLE IS STILL ALIVE, HARRY!" groaned Goyle. "And he's going to keep killing Slytherins until the House Cup is secured for Hufflepuff!"

"Who gives a shit about that?"

Goyle fell to his knees. "Harry... the winner of this year's House Cup will be given an entire year of TOTAL IMMUNITY from all University rules, laws, bi-laws, and sub-laws. Neville will be able to do anything he wants, to anyone, without fear of being expelled!

"I still don't care."

"Harry, he's going to go after GINNY and CHO CHANG because you humiliated him!"

"Ok, I'll kill him. Where is he now?"

"So you agree to team up with me and the Slytherins, Harry?"

"To kill Neville?"

"HP Longbottom, Harry. The 'Neville' we knew is dead. If he ever really existed in the first place..."

Harry finished untying himself. "Work on your knotsmanship, Goyle. Now that Malfoy's dead, what good are the Slytherins anyway? I'll admit it was kinda cool that you killed an entire room of people by yourself, but quite frankly, I could do that in my sleep.

Goyle looked at him with very great seriousness.

"Harry, it's time that I told you the SECRET of Slytherin House..."

The Secret of Slytherin

"Ok, what's the secret of Slytherin House?" asked Harry Potter.

"Slytherin House was founded by Salazar Slytherin in order to combat the GREAT OLD ONES."

"Interesting," said Harry.

"Yeah," agreed Goyle. "That's the real reason why HP Longbottom cowardly assassinated Malfoy-- because he knew that Malfoy suspected him of being a Star Child. Slytherins are like a secret society of vampire hunters, except we hunt aliens. Get it?"

"Goyle," said Harry, rubbing his temples. "So what?"

"Harry, us Slytherins have access to tools and magics that are unknown to all the other Houses, and the wizarding community at large. Because they can't be trusted, they're all compromised by the Cult of Dagon. Why do you think we're always being targeted by the Ministry of Magic AKA the Ministry of "Let Muggles Fuck Your Daughters So You Lose All Your Magical Powers?"

"What is the Cult of Dagon?" asked Harry.

"That doesn't matter rn tbh," said Goyle. "The point is, Voldemort is actually a pretty good guy, he was just trying to save Wizards and Humanity as a whole really. The Ministry of Magic is trying to get rid of any resistance to the invasion of the OLD ONES, who see us as nothing but cattle."

"I see," said Harry. "So it's really not a big deal that the Necronomicon Toilet Diary was bringing Voldemort back to life? It's actually a good thing?"

"Yeah basically," said Goyle.

"Okay," said Harry. "You should tell Ghost-Hermione this, because she wants me to stop Voldemort from returning."

"Harry, Hermione's stupid, she doesn't even know any of the lore, and it doesn't matter what she thinks or wants because she's dead anyway," said Goyle, signaling for Harry to follow him.

Goyle led Harry into an armory. It was guarded by some Slytherins Harry had seen around before. All across the walls were hung 3D-printed assault-style wands, capable of casting killing curses at 120 rounds per second.

Harry wasn't really that impressed. "Goyle, this is cool, but I don't really need any of this. I'm the Boy Who Lived. Plus I just did some custom mods to my wand, and it's way more powerful than any of these anyway."

"You're right Harry," admitted Goyle. "BUT. Go through THAT room, and you'll enter our Secret Library, where we have all kinds of curses that are especially designed for fighting the eldritch monstros--"

"GOYLE I DONT CARE," yelled Harry. "Take me to Hogsbucks NOW, I've got to make sure Ginny and Cho, especially Cho btw, are OK. You said yourself Neville would be after them."

Goyle smirked. "Don't worry about THAT, Harry. We've got our best man currently keeping HP Longbottom bussy."

"Bussy?"

"Busy."

"Your best man is dead, Goy," sighed Harry. "Neville KILLED Malfoy, remember?"

Goyle smirked so brilliantly that even Harry was impressed. "Malfoy was just faking it. He's got some of those stupid things that keep you from dying," he said.

"Horcruxes?" asked Harry. "Wow, that's good thinking. So where are the two of them now?"

As if to answer, they heard screaming coming from above them.

"NOOOOOOOOO MALFOY, PLEASE DONT!"

"GET IN THE STALL, NEVILLE!"

There was a flush, and Harry and Goyle knew then that Malfoy had given HP Longbottom a swirly.

The war had begun...

Nearly-Headless Neville

after Malfoy was doone torturing HP Longbottom by giving him swirlies and noogies and indian burns on his arms, he finally trapped him in a locker with one of the Weaseleys' Wizard Wheezes Patented Magic Stink bombs, which, because they are magic, are 1000x worse even than that "liquid ass" stuff that the retarded kids used to spray in school-- btw im also just putting it out there, not as part of the story, this is the author speaking now, the inventors of "liquid ass" literally deserve to be killed for inventing and selling that product. im being serious, this isn't a joke, im not laughing, the faggot """engineer""" who """invented""" his stupid fucking shit-spray that I had to smell every other day in middle and high school, deserves to b[whoops, lost my cool a little too much. what i wrote here, they still deserve though, im just not going to make you read it.]

"malfoooooy, let me out, pleeeeeeease!" wept HP Longbottom, literally almost dying from the smell.

"What's the matter, Neville?" laughed Malfoy. "I thought you were just meaningless star stuff, right? The Weasley Wheeze you're inhaling right now is just a drop in a vast ocean of cosmic insignificance."

Ron Weasley felt a little bad providing the tools to torture the guy he used to cling to, but he was much like his pet rat: a rat. small, cowardly, disloyal. He kept at a safe distance from the two of them, just staring at the floor, and only approached when Malfoy demanded he hand him a new instrument from his torture bag.

"Maaaaaallllllfooooooyyyyyyyy pleeeeeeaseeeeeeeee" Neville wept.

Malfoy opened the locker and yanked him out. He held his wand up to his throat, and also a knife.

"Now you're going to come with me, and tell Professor Snape, and everyone else, that you LIED about me being gay and spreading Mugglepox. You're going to ADMIT that it was YOU the entire time, you filthy little liar.

At the prospect of suffering such humiliation, and no-longer at the mercy of the Weasley stench, HP suddenly grew bold again.

"And what if I don't?"

Malfoy stabbed and carved up Neville Longbottom's throat like it was a Halloween pumpkin. It was like that scene in Breaking Bad that made me start yelling racial slurs. You know, the one with the box cutter.

It could be argued that HP Longbottom actually deserved it though-- like those guys that made liquid ass btw-- for he truly HAD lied about Malfoy and ruined his reputation with everyone but the Elite Slytherin Inner-Circle Praetorian Guard, who knew that HP Longbottom was actually an eldritch monstrosity, and even if they didnt know that, they knew Malfoy wasnt gay because on his downtime from being On the Hunt or in class, he was always sharing pictures of anime girls in the group chat.

Anyway, when Malfoy was done almost completely sawing through Neville's throat, Harry Potter caught up with him.

"Malfoy," said Harry.

"Potter," said Malfoy.

The two grasped hands. To Harry's surprise, Malfoy pulled him in for a strong hug.

"Welcome aboard, my brother," said Malfoy, holding tight. "We wont let them replace us."

Harry squeezed back. "I'm with you, Draco. We'll teach these cosmic libtards a thing or two."

Suddenly, they heard a moan. They turned in (cosmic) horror to find HP Longbottom was standing back up, with his head so-far cut backwards that it was as if the bottom of his chin were his face.

And indeed, it was. For there were dozens of small eyeballs there.

"Rlyeth Kathu! Dindue Thulay!" the creature croaked at them.

Harry and Draco AKA Drake were both probably more-than tough enough to take on this low-level monstrosity, but it just caught them so off-guard that they flipped out and started running.

When they got to the end of the hall, they slammed the doors shut and locked them with whatever is the reverse Alohamora spell.

"That was a close one," panted Drake.

"Yeah," agreed Harry. "Wait a tick... RON'S still in there!"

Weasethlhu

What Draco Malfoy did at that moment would always be remembered as one of the GREATEST acts of pure heroism that had ever taken place at that stupid school 1 sec im dehyrated

you know who wasnt dehydrated? Ron Weasley! Because Nearly-Headless Neville was DROWNING him in the luxurious hot tub in the prefecc bathroom!

GLUGUGUGUGURRUUUOOOOAHUUGUUGUUGUGUU!

"I'LL SAVE YOU WEASLEY, EVEN IF UR A RACE TRAITOR!" cried Malfoy, barging in, and lunging onto Neville. He pulled him off of Ron, but ALAS. HP Longbottom had evolved like a pokemon because he got Experience Points (XP) from drowning Ron, even though he was interrupted!

"HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" hissed HP Longbottom, reeeeeeeling on the Malf. "Do not come between the starchild and his prey."

Malfoy kicked HP Longbottom, AKA Nearly-Headless Neville, now nearly fully-evolved into Nevillelarthotep. Malfoy kicked him as hard as he could between the legs, but Neville just started cackling.

"im a star child, Dracoooooooo," he HISSSSSSED. "I HAVE NO TESTICLESSSSS."

As Neville lurched forward, arms oustretched, to embrace Malfoy with a bear hug of death, an axe suddenly fell down on his headneck, hitting him right in his eldritch eyeballs, and causing him to start dancing around flailing his arms and screaming all kinds of vulgarities.

"Ron, you saved me!" said Malfoy.

"No..." said Weasethlhu. "I'm saving you for MYSELF" anAD THEN ron lunged at Draco with ANOTHER axe as tentacles and eyeballs exploded from his face!

Malfoy dodged ducked dipped dived and dodged out of the prefect bathroom, reverse-alohomoraing the door shut and locking HP and Ron in there together. Harry arrived then.

"What happened?"

"Ron's been converted," said Malfoy.

Draco's Decision

from the bathroom, they could hear a hideous scream.

"DONT SAY IVE BEEN CONVERTED, THAT HAS A RELIGIOUS IMPLICATION, IVE BEEN ENLIGHTENED TO THE SCIENTIFIC MINDSET OF THE COSMOS. THE COSMOS IS SO VAST AND UNIMAGINABLY LARGE YOU CANT EVEN FATHOM HOW TINY THE EARTH IS COMPARED TO THE SUN, AND YOU HAVE THE EGO TO ASSUME THAT YOU MATTER? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! IM LAUGHING AT YOU!!!!!!" Ron shrieked at them.

"What should we do, Malfoy?" asked Harry. "Should we go in and put him out of his misery? I'm new to all this, I'm only used to killing normal people and banging hot girls."

"Me too, Harry," said Malfoy, "I love banging hot girls. But yeah, I'm used to this cosmic horror stuff, so you can just leave it to me. Go meet up with Cho Chang and Ginny and make sure they're okay. It's possible that Nearly-Headless Neville has minions around the campus already. That bathroom door is made of solid pewter, which is highly toxic to star children, so Ron and Neville should be trapped in there basically as long as we want them to be."

"Okay, sounds good Draco."

"Hey... you called my by my first name..." said Draco, blushing.

"Oh, sorry," said Harry, blushing back.

"No, I ... it's okay... I kind of like it,"said Draco.

The two of them blushed and looked away. Neither of thm were really gay, but there was definitely some kind of tension there.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go find Cho and Ginny," said Harry, and he pulled out his wand.

"Harry," said Draco, "be careful. I'll find Snape, he'll know of a good way to get rid of these 2 monsters safely. I'll post a few Slytherins here to guard them. After you make sur the girls are safe, it'd be cool if you could rally the Grifyindors, and tell them the truth. We need all the help we can get. Slytherin's sufffered in the dark for so long..."

"Our SIlent protectors... just like the Rangers in Lord of the Rings..." said Harry.

"Yeah. but i dont think Gryindors are like Hobbits, I think you guys are Men, and we're like Elves."

Harry nodded. But he'd never felt like more of a helpeless Hobbit in his whole life. Plus, if the Slytherins were Elves, that'd make the Ravenclaws Dwarves and that didnt seem right. Obviously hte Hufflepuffs were the real Hobbits.

Draco knew exactly what Harry was thinking and smiled. "Yeah, the Ravenclaws are pretty cool, and not Dwarflike. God, look at us, we're such Tolkien nerds lol"

"THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Neville and Ron in unison from the toilets.

"Okay Harry, we'll split up and meet back here in 3 hours," said Draco. "Let's go!"

Harry bolted away to make sure cho and ginny were safe from the star minions. But Draco had kept a secret. He knew that Snape would just tell him to handle it himself. Snape was a level-30 Eldritch Executioner, and was too busy to be dealing with low-level wimps like Neville and Ron. So Draco WAS going to handle it himself... with his secret weapon.

Draco transformed into a basilisk and pushed open the door. Neville and Ron had reverted to human-form, thinking that they'd be in there for a while. In a way, they were right. they'd be in there for a while. as corpses.

Basilisk-Draco unhinged his jaw, and re-hinged it and sunk his teeth into both of them with one mighty bite. They shrieked in pain and terror as he injected them with his special venom that Snape had made for him. It caused nightmarish hallucinations like Scarecrow's fear toxin. also, death.

They spazzed out and started convulsing and they lost consciousness, and Draco let them go, knowing that they'd kill each other when they woke up, perceiving the other to be an enemy. He left the bathroom just in the nick of time.

"Hi Draco!" giggled Pansy Parkinson, "what were you doing in the bathroom?"

Draco groaned. "What do you think I was doing in the bathroom, you idiot? Get away from me, don't talk to me." He went to go look for Harry to make sure he was OK.

Hey Moon

Draco caught up with Harry just in time to stop him from having sex with Ginny and Cho Chang.

"Harry, wait!" said Draco, tugging his shoulder back.

"Draco, what are you doing?!" cried Harry.

"Harry, you can't trust girls!" explained Draco. "They'e under the influence of the Moon Presence."

Harry gaped. "The Moon Presence?"

"Yeah," explained Draco, shooting Ginny and Cho with sleeping darts. "I didn't tell you this, but I can turn into a basilisk. And I just bit Neville and Ron. And I tasted something familiar. Something scary that I've only ever tasted once before, when I first became a shapeshifter."

"Why'd you bite them?"

"To kill them, but it didn't work, let me finish. It didn't work because they're the minions of an extremely p.. this is so stupid... ok they're minions of a giant eldritch being that lives inside the moon and the only thing that can kill him is werewolves, because they have a stronger moon-affinity, or a sun-creature, but idk any sun-creatures."

Harry just said "ok"

"Yeah, so dont have sex with any girls Harry, because all girls are really susceptibpble to the Moon. They're creatures of chaos, they're not like us."

"So true king, but how do we get them back to normal?"

Harry... they ARE normal!!! this is the natural state of the female, it's just amplified by the Moon Presence!"

"What? so i can never have sex AGAIN?"

"Shh! be quiet a sec, Pansy's coming," said Draco, putting his finger to his mouth and going shhh.

Pansy walked over and said "Hey gu-- ... Um, Why are Ginny and Cho unconscious? What are you guys--"

Malfoy clocked her in the face and she hit the ground hard. "Sleep tight, bitch" said Malfoy. He turned to Harry.

"Harry this is getting out of control, we need to hide all these bodies before a teacher finds them. We're going to get expelled for sure, the university system is completely anti-male. It's controlled by the Moon Presence too."

*Hey Moon by John Maus starts playing softly in the background as Harry and Draco drag the bodies to a cupboard. a few other girls get in their way and they have to KO them as well, for everyone's own good. Harry punched Parvati Pattel in the stomach so hard he broke one of her ribs accidentally, he didnt mean too he just had to make sure she'd go to sleep. Malfoy knew mild ninjutsu becaues of his Slytherin Sleuth training, so he was able to karate chop some dumb Hufflepuff girl in the neck. Finally, they got everyone packed away into the cupboard, and they threw a bucket and a loaf of bread in there with them.*

"Okay Harry, now ... I'll explain my plan. We have to either go to the moon, or destroy it entirely. it's the only way."

"Both of those options... Draco... They're wild."

Draco nodded. "I know. But this is the life of a Slytherin."

Harry nodded back. "I don't want to destroy the moon because it reminds me of my mother's eyes."

Draco nodded. "So we'll go there, and take out the Moon Presence PERSONALLY." He grinned.

"How are we gonna get there?"

They heard a distinctly Ravenclaw-sounding voice from behind them. "I believe *we* can help with that."

Pangingi

"THOSE BASTARDS!" screamed Panvati, the eldritch star child fusion of Parvati and Pansy, who was unimaginably horrifying on the inside, but on the outside looked like a half-indian half-white girl and wasn't bad looking at all tbh

"W-who are you? cried Ginny. "Where did Parvati and Pansy go?"

Panvati punched her in the face, KO'ing her again. But Cho Chang was too quick for her. As an Asian Ravenclaw, Cho's Int stat was incredibly high, and she deduced right away what Panvati was and what her plans were. Cho's incredible intelligence, combined with the extremely-tense situation she now found herself in, granted her access to a secret ability that was normally impossible for women to learn: Introspection. Cho knew that she, and indeed all women in the Wizarding World, and probably the Muggle world as well, were all being controlled by someone or someTHING on THE MOON.

Learning all of that almost immediately, Cho had apparated out of the broom closet and away from Panvati.

"DRATS..." growled Panvati, absorbing Ginny and becoming 1/3 ginger, and now Pangingi. She still looked good, although probably not better than she did as Panvati. Maybe *as* good, but probably not better. The Indian and Ginger in her clashed too much. She was still pretty, don't get me wrong, but her freckles would have looked better on lighter skin. Again though, don't get the wrong idea, she was not worse-looking than Panvati, but this also just not an improvement.

But in the POWER department? She was now 3 fairly-talented witches in one, and would curbstomp even Lord Voldemort. Such was the power of the star children... dammit...

If she'd managed to absorb CHO? I don't even wanna think about that.

"So you boys want to go to the Moon?" asked Cho Chang, who had a couple of Ravenclaw guys with her.

"Cho!" cried Harry joyfully, bum-rushing her and French kissing her. The Ravencuck boys looked away. Draco's face flushed and he found himself feeling sad. Maybe he... no, no...

Cho needed a few secs to catch her breath when Harry removed his tongue from her mouth. Harry didn't. He had been practicing EXTREME sexual control, and could get right to business or "business" at the flip of a switch. He was ready right away to hear Cho's moon landing plan. A feat that not even the U.S. government had been able to achieve.

When Cho was done panting like an animal, she said "Ahe--aum, we ... we built a space ship..." her head was still spinning. Harry was so good at kissing it was INSANE. The Ravenclaw nerds were already leading Malfoy away and explaining it themselves.

"We figured out a long time ago that you Slytherins were waging a secret war to protect mankind," said Nerd 1.

"So we've secretly been aiding you from the even-darker shadows," went on Nerd 2. "Doing all the research we could, and in our own ways, leading you to develop many of your weapons and combat techniques."

"Wow, that's cool," said Draco. "You never wanted to just help us directly though?"

"Too risky," said Nerd 1. "Our precious brains are not meant to be sacrificed in combat."

"You didn't want to at least tell us that you knew what we were doing?" asked Malfoy.

"Too risky," said Nerd 1 again. "Then you'd mock us and call us pussies and that'd piss us off. We needed to be as stress-free as possible to better assist you for both of our sakes."

Draco looked at him. He was right.

Then he turned back, and noticed that Cho and Harry had disappeared. Dammit...

Meanwhile...

"I am Pangingi," said Pangingi. "And I am here to femdom this world."

"Okay," said some Gryfinndor girls, laughing at her and not taking her seriously.

Pangingi used both her fists and punched them both in the face, absorbing them both at the same time. SHe could feel the magic rushing through her body like testosterone. Not even Dumbledore in his prime would be able to stop her now.

She grinned like a total bitch as she spotted her first male target and tapped him on the back. He turned around.

"Oh, 'ello there miss!" said Hagrid.

Howling at the Moon

"FLLYYYY ME TO THE MOOOON, AND LET ME PLAAAAAY AMONG THE STAAAAARS" sang HP Longbottom, who'd stolen the ravenclaw rocket ship and was now blasting off to go commune with the Moon Presence.

Because of HP's unique talent for comprehending how incomprehensibly vast and cold and uncaring the Universe is, the Moon Presence had chosen HIM to be The Moon Man, the male stud who would be used to breed more star children from the moon-- moon children.

HP Longbottom decided to take it up a notch though. "LET ME SEE WHAT SPRING IS LIKE IN THE DEAD VOID OF SPACE, SCREAMING OUT DARKNESS AND DISINTEREST AT THE WORMS THAT COMPRISE HUMANITY AND ALL ITS PATHETIC DREAMS!!!!"

The Moon Presence was greatly pleased. HP Longbottom was the perfect vessel.

"Hey where did our spaceship go?" cried Ravenclaw Nerd 1.

"It must have been stolen!" said Ravennerd 2. "But how did anyone know where it was?! We had it hidden by magic!" he slammed his feet on the ground. "HOW! WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE WHY AND HOOOOOOW!!!!!"

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Malfoy, sighing and shaking his head. "HP Longbottom and maybe even Ron Weasely stole it. They must have recovered from me biting them and used their eldritch abilities to turn into slimy tentacle monsters and go down the toilets and escape."

"Ah, so you failed to contain them," said Nerd 2.

Malfory glared at him. Glowered even. Nerd 2 flinched.

"Anything else?" asked Malfoy.

no.

Meanwhile, Cho Chang and Harry were looking for Professor Werewolf. Everyone thought Professor Werewolf had died during that Battle of Hogwarts, but he faked it in order to get away from his wife and kid. Luckily, his wife, Tonks, actually did die. So now he just had to get away from his kid, who was still just a toddler, so everything was OK and easy.

"Harry, Cho, it's so good to see you both," said Werewolf, and he gave them a big hug. they hugged him back, he was their favorite professor.

somewhere in the story, Snape felt bad...

"Professor," said Harry. "Can you come with us to the Moon in order to battle an eldritch monstrosity on it that's making all the women in the world act up?"

"Oh Harry I would, but it's the mid-terms coming up. I'll make a deal with you. If you both get an A+, ill come on your trip with you."

Harry and Cho exchanged glances and nodded. "It's study time!" they said in unison, and gave each other a high-five. Werewolf smiled broadly. he was so proud of his students.

He decided he'd give them a free sample, on the house, no charge: he opened up the window, and shifted the top of his body into a wolf, and howled at the moon so loudly, the moon was SHOOK.

"Whoa!" saiy Harry. "Professor, you're so powerful!"

"Duh Harry," grinned the wolfman.

"He's a fraud," snorted Snape, entering the classroom.

"dont talk about my godfather like that!" gorwled Harry, baring his OWN fangs

"THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!! shrieked Ron Weasley, jumping into the room.

Everyone looked at him in awe. He was an incomprehensible squid.

Into the Lake

In an instant, Squid Ron had lunged onto Harry's face like a facehugger.

Harry desperately tried pulling him away and shouted "GODFATHER, HELP ME!"

Everyone turned to Professor Werewolf, who was laughing and did his best Don Corleone impression. "Nevah go against the family, Harry..."

He pulled off his werewolf mask, revealing a tentacled face.

"NOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Cho, but Snape jumped in front of her heroically and cast EXPELLIARMUS!!!

Snape's Expelliarmus spell was so powerful that it was effectively an Avada Kedavra. It sent the Squidfather flying out the window and into the lake where he WOULD have been fine, since he's a squid... but Snape had been preparing for this war for a long time.

The lake was patrolled by elite Slytherins in submersible mechs. The Squidfather barely was able to swim a few meters before he was GRABBED by a powerful metal hand. And then another.

Lupin was torn in twain by non-other than Goyle, piloting the Lake Slythdam. A project the Ravenclaws had been working on for YEARS along with Snape who of course knew that they knew about the Secret War with the Old Ones.

"Wow!" cheered Cho. "Wait a tick-- HARRY!!!" she started to run to help him, but Snape was already there in a flash. With one powerful hand, he grabbed Squid Ron, and slammed him into the floor, like the Hulk did to Loki in the Avengers movie, over and over again.

Except Squid Ron wasn't a god, he was a squid, so his body was mushed into bloody spaghetti from the repeated slamming and after a minute, Snape was swinging nothing but Ron's feet. The rest of him had fallen apart.

Snape heard a strange stomping noise in the hallway, and looked spooked. Harry was still gargling with Listerine and spitting because Squid Ron was tongue-kissing him because Ron was actually gay, when Snape grabbed him and Cho, and jumped out the window with them into the lake, just as Pangingi, who was riding on top of Hagrid the naked thrall's shoulders, barged into the classroom.

Snape and Harry both managed to pull of their robes while they were falling through the air. Cho couldn't, because the Moon Presence wouldn't let her. Thankfully, she was able to use Lupin's corpse as a buoy. She could swim, just not in her robes. She needed to be in a form-fitting 1-piece competition swimsuit that showed the outline of her bellybutton.

Snape and Harry could tread water well enough as Goyle rushed over in his mech to rescue them.

He cupped them in his metal hands, vaccum-sealing them, and before they even knew it! before they even knew it! they were in Slytherin's secret Lake Base.

"Miss, gentlemen... welcome... to the Salazarium!!!" smiled a Ravenclaw nerd, waving his hand.

the base was shaped like a big dome, because it was. but wha surprised them the most... was who was sitting at the command station. his back was turned to them, but they all recognized that grey skin. He turned in his chair to face them and smiled.

"Voldemort..." seethed Harry.

Ascendance

HP Longbottom landed on the moon and shivered with euphoria.

"This is so validating," he groaned. He leapt up and starting dancing around and whooping.

"AS AN EARTHLING, I KNOW MY PLACE!!!" he screamed. "MY PLANET IS SO SMALL AND USELESS, IT'S A LITTLE MOONY ORBITING A INCOMPREHENSIBLY VAST VOID OF THINGS BEYOND THE SCOPE OF HUMANSISSY IMAGINATION!!!"

He fell to his knees and wept. "MOOOOOON PRESCENCE! I AM HERE! I OFFER MY WEAK LITTLE EARTHSISSY BODY TO YOU! DEVOUR MY PITIFUL FORM LIKE A GREAT WHALE INHALING KRILL!!"

The Moon Presence appeared before him on the vid-screen. He was an incomprehensible sphere of tentacles playing a trumpet. "PPPPFFFFTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUUUU"

HP Longbottom sobbed with joy as a tentacle exploded through the ship's cockpit and grabbed him.

Meanwhile, The remains of both Squid Weasley and Lupin the Squid were squishing closer and closer together. They were going to join bodies!

"Stop him, my slave!" hissed Pangingi to Hagrid. He rushed to the window as fast as his half-giant legs could convey him, but it was too late! The incomprehensible mess that was Ron had successfully slid out the window, and nto the lake!

Pangingi screamed in frustration, backflipping off of Hagrid and kicking him to the ground.

"Worthless man!" she hissed. "Give me your wallet."

Hagrid sobbed and nodded. "Yes mistress!" he babbled, forking over the dough.

Pangingi snatched it from him and said "Good. Message me tomorrow for your punishment!"

"Yes Mistress!" sobbed Hagrid.

But like they say, tomorrow never comes. For once Pangingi had stomped away to go absorb some more witches, Vincent Crabbe jumped down from the ceiling and snapped Naked Hagrid's neck! The Inquisitorial Squad was BACK!!!

"Heh, child's play," laughed Crabbe, and he cast Fiendfyre into the hallway to follow Pangingi. But Pangingi had heard Hagrid's neck snap with her incredible hearing. Besides that, she'd already smelled Crabbe hiding in the ceiling, because girls can smell if you've fapped in the last 48 hours and Crabbe couldn't control himself. So Hagrid's neck snapping was merely confirmation for her. She dived out the window of a nearby classroom... and into THE LAKE.

"Harryyyy..." rasped Voldemort. "It's so good to see you..."

Harry sprinted towards him, ready to dive onto his chest and get some ground and pound in, but two Slytherns caught his arms.

"Let me go!" he roared. "That BASTARD KILLED MY PARENTS!"

"No Harryyy..." rasped Voldemort. "I was there the night your parents died, it's true... *wheeze* but your parents were killed... by THE LONGBOTTOMS!!!"

Voldemort's Truth

Meanwhile, HP Longbottom had successfully become one with the Moon Presence, and was now a High-Value Man.

Every car in the world was now HIS. Every woman in the world was now HIS. His bag, like humanity's insignificance, was eternally secured.

"Yessssss! Yesssssssssssss!" he sobbed, looking at his bank account. 10,000 Moon Credits(MOON), the equivalent of the entirety of the European Union's economy.

He'd already forgotten all about H*rmione. She might have been a 7 at Hogwarts University. But outside that little hick-college? In the Grand Scheme of things, in the VAST, DARK, BROODING, AND UNCARING AND UNFORGIVING UNIVERSE? Hermione was at BEST a 6.

HP Longbottom had expanded his mind beyond the scope of humanity and now realized that the true apex of sexuality lied in the stars. Only Beyond Humanity's sissy solar system would he ever find a true 10/10.

But for now... He looked down upon Pangingi.

"This will suffice," he cackled like a freak.

"Harryyy," rasped Voldemort, who was in the middle of an intense fist fight with him. Voldemort was an elite striker, like an Irishman. He wasn't Irish, but he had trained under the best for decades and so he was able to easily dodge Harry's blows.

Harry had the strength and tenacity of youth, but wasn't skilled enough to connect with Voldemort. Voldemort, after dodging a wild swing from Harry, grabbed Harry by the throat and body slammed him through a table.

"Haarrryyyyy!" rasped Voldemort, *cough* "listen to meee... The Longbottoms... I tried to save your mother, Potter... I tried so hard... but their star child magic was too powerful... After defeating me, they assumed my form and killed your parents.

Thank God, your father at least survived."

"MY FATHER? MY FATHER IS DEAD!" growled Harry, springing from the table.

"No, Harry," said Snape, appearing from behind the corner. "I'm not dead."

Harry looked at him in shock and awe. "No... it... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"James was a cuck, Harry," explained the Potions Master. "I knew you'd be safer with him, since I warring with the Great Old Ones."

Harry fell to his knees and started crying like a baby. Voldemort patted him on the shoulder and Snape went down and hugged him. Malfoy was crying too.

Cho Chang was turned off now.

Meanwhile, Naked Hagrid rose to his feet. It wasn't the first time he'd had his neck snapped. He longed for revenge, but Crabbe had already ninja'd away after Pangingi.

Naked Hagrid decided he'd take his rage out on another. He quietly stomped around the school, on the hunt to satiate his bloodlust. Ahh, Anthony Goldstein! The Ravenclaw member of Dumbledore's "Army".

Naked Hagrid snuck up and put him in the rear naked naked choke hold. The last thing Goldstein ever felt was Naked Hagrid's mammoth dick pressing against his upper back. With a quick flex of his bicep, Naked Hagrid severed Anthony Goldstein's spine entirely. Then he tore his head off and threw it onto the ground, growling.

"GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGRRRAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I HATE WOMEN." He started screaming his absolute lungs out and jumped out a window. Into... THE LAKE.

Meanwhile Pangingi and Lupinron were having a battle to decide who would reign supreme over the star children. Pangingi's position as Neville's breeding sow was already secured, but it wasn't enough. She wanted power absolute, and would acquire it By Any Means Necessary. Lupinron was barely sentient, but was ... because he was still part-werewolf, he was able to receive more MOON POWER than Pangingi could. So this was a matter of hiss strength vs. Pangingi's cunning.

the Slytherins didn't interfere, hoping that they'd just kill each other.

Meanwhile Harry had stopped crying and accepted Voldemort's Truth.

"Harryyyyy," Voldemort rasped. "We've all always loved your mother. She was so hot. We'd never do anything to harm her, even if she was a Mudblood. But the Star Children and the Great Old Ones despise beauty. And the Longbottoms, whose real names cannot be pronounced by human tongues, were long under the influence of... the Moon Presence. They BEGGED Lily to murder you in her womb, but when she refused... she had a target on her back ever since. When the Longbottoms disguised as me tried to kill you, your mother's love protected you.

"I see."

"Yeah," rasped Voldemort. "So let's all join forces and defeat the star children and the moon presence."

"How can we do that?" asked Malfoy. "the Ravenrocket was stolen by HP Longbottom!"

"I wouldnt worry about that... I think he's going to bring it back," said a Ravenclaw nerd, who saw the rocket blasting back down towards them.

The Union of the Star Children

HP Longbottom and the Ravenrocket landed with a KERSPLASH, sending bloody rain pouring down on everyone in the lake. Which was like, all of the Slytherins, in patrol boats and small magic battleships, and the gundam,i mean the slythdams.

"This is the moment we've been waiting for, Harry," said Snape, holding Harry close in a fatherly way. "The time to avenge your mother and James upon us."

"And I'LL lead the charge!" rasped Voldemort, jumping into the lake, and casting Icio! He made an ice path and skating along it like Frozone. Towards the landing site where the Ravenrocket was bobbing in the water.

Meanwhile, Pangingi and Lupinron were duking it out. Pangingi was much more SKILLED and INTELLIGENT, but Lupinron's healing ability was too strong for Pangingi to deal any lasting damage on him though. She didn't have a chance! That is, until her eternal thrall, Naked Hagrid jumped onto Lupinron's back and started choking him out!

"Good, you pathetic worm, good!" screamed Pangingi, "Hold him still!" and with three lightning-quick slashes, she RRRRRRRIPPED out Lupinron's brain and devoured it whole.

"Noooooooooooo!" screamed Goyle and Crabbe in unison, rushing forward in their Slythdams to stop her. Crabbe desperately cast Fiendfyre at her.

But it was too late, Pangingi quadrupled in size! Like her mothers before her, she was a witch you couldn't burn! She SWALLOWED the Fiendfyre like...

But then, Cho Chang was casting uh... Leviticus Aquafina, and she controlled all the water in the lake to imprison Pangingi in a giant water ball! No witch had EVER successfully cast Leviticus Aquafina before, but that was because of the sexism built into the magical school system! Women can do anything that men can do, and Pangingi and Cho were out here proving it!

"GARGRAGGARGAGRAGARGARGAGAGGUGUGUGRRGLE!!!!!" SEETHED Pangingi, clawing at the water. But it was no use. She was trapped like a cosmic rat.

Or was she?

For Just then, as Voldemort had finally skated his way to the Ravenshuttle, HP Longbottom EXPLODED out of the ship and into the water prison!

"Ha, fool!" laughed some idiot. "Now HE'S trapped too!"

"No..." said Harry Potter... "NOOOOOOOO!!!"

There was a sudden glare of light, and everyone looked up and saw that that the man on the moon was GLARING at them

They looked back down and saw HP Cosmicbottom the Moon Man, with Pangingi inside of him, grinning with some incomprehensible emotion.

With two mighty waves of his gigantic tentacle-hands, he slapped Goyle and Crabbe's Slythdams clear out of the lake.

"What are we going to do?!" asked Malfoy, holding Harry's hand nervously. Harry blushed.

"We're leaving," said Snape, and he threw a barrel bomb of floo powder down at their feet. They wooshed away JUST as HP Moonbottom's mighty fist came crashing down.

The Rats in the Walls

Snape, Harry, Malfoy, and Cho Chang, and some other people that we dont need rn reappeared in Hogwarts U.

"Professor-- I mean... DAD, you saved us!" cried Harry happily.

"Not yet, Potter-- I mean... son..." said Snape sadly, but with a smile. "Until HP Longbottom and the rest of the Star Children are destroyed, the entire JK Rowling's Wizarding World is in danger!"

"But how can we stop him?" said Malfoy. "He's become a level 50, S-class Eldrertch Monstrosity beyond human comprehension!"

"Yeah," said Snape. "We may have to ask dragons for help."

"Good idea," said Harry, "I like dragons."

"We should ask that Weasley brother who works with dragons if he can help us get some!" said Cho Chang, an instant before she was hit in the back by a killing curse.

A killing curse cast by.............. FILCH?!

Filch was naked and grinning hideously. He started dancing around with glee.

Harry sprinted like a cheetah to kill him, but there was a... a bunch of rats in his way. a wall of rats! THE RATS IN THE WALLS! AS FORETOLD BY HP LONGBOTTOM'S NECRONOMICON!

"AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled Peter Pettigrew, dancing around like a ballerina. He was also naked. The rats were pouring out of his wand.

"What is going on here?!" cried Malfoy, clutching Harry's arm in fear. Harry blushed.

"GET BACK!" roared Crabbe, who'd escaped with Goyim out of their Slythdams. Crabbe cast Fiendfyre and Goyle blew petals of ice from his fingertips like Haku from Spirited Away, and they became a mighty ice dragon and mingled with the Fiendfyre and they SLAMMED into the... rats. they slammed into the rats and Peter Petigrew shrieked in fear, and ran away with Filch, but Filch was too slow and Harry lunged through the flaming wall of rats! He landed on Filch and started beating him to death with his fists, going gorilla mode and hammer-fisting the "caretaker" relentlessly.

"Harry, wait!" cried Cho Chang, "Don't kill him!"

Everyone gasped.

Cho took off her robe and revealed she was wearing a skin-tight bodysuit.

A nearby Ravenclaw nerd chuckled and pushed up his glasses. "Curseproof body armor," he said. "Specifically designed by uh... professor Flitwick, the Charms Master! It's one of a kind. It took almost all of Flitmick's power to be created. It nearly killed him. They cannot be mass-produced."

Cho Chang looked fucking incredible. Like Zero-Suit Samus, but it was the colors of Ravenclaw House. Everyone had to avert their eyes. Except for Harry, who stood up from the half-dead Filch and walked over towards her. "Cho... I..."

Draco Malfoy pretended to be light-headed and started to faint.

"W-woah, Draco!" Harry cried, catching him. "Are you OK?"

"Y-yeah, I... now I am..." Draco said softly.

Cho saw what was going on here and stealthily snuck her hand inside Harry's robe, gently caressing him with her fingertips.

"Good, I'm glad ur ok," said Harry quickly, putting Draco down. "Excuse me everyone, I have to go-- I forgot to get something, at the, in my dorm room. I'll be right back. Cho, please help me look for it, it's important."

Cho smirked like a complete bitch at Malfoy and skipped after Harry. Draco seethed as he miserably watched her perfect ass follow after Harry. Even he wanted a piece of it. He had no hope of competing. N-not that he wanted to...

Snape understood all that was happening around him and chose to ignore it. He walked towards the fallen janny, giving Crabbe and Goyle hearty pats on the shoulders as he passed them. They had advanced to A-class Eldritch Hunters. Putting them neatly into the top-100 most powerful wizards in known history. Whoa.

Snape picked up Filch and carried him off to the dungeon to his CIA "Enhanced Interrogation" Room.

Betrayals

Meanwhile, Voldemort and HP Longbottom were having a Duel of the Fates on the Lake.

It took an enourmous amount of chi-energy, or chakra if you prefer, for Voldemort to keep his ice-skates on and prevent him from sinking into the dangerous depths where lurked the grindylows, ready to drown witches and wizards! Also the giant squid of course, which was still wild and untamed even despite the Slytherin's many attempts at domesticating it. indeed, the giant squid felt more of a kinship with the star children, obviosly. which, in fact, was why it the giant squid was propping up HP Longbottom!!! allowing him to have this wild duel with Voldemort!

it was true that Pangingi was already on her own able to defeat Voldemort. But the intense pressur thate voldemort was now under, his desperate desire to protect all of his friends?... it CHANGED voldemort, it allowed him to unlock an extra chakra-gate in his body, increasing his magical capabilities by let's just say a lot. or more specifically, DOUBLE.

HP Longbottom sensed this and hissed.

"SssssssSO! Your precious friends really mean that much to you?" he hissed.

"Worry about me, not them!" rasped Voldemort, throwing a lightning-fast question mark kick. i just got distracted by an insanely hot karate tomboy's youtube videos sorry, what was i writing about

"FOOL!!!" cackled HP Longbottom, throwing his head back like rubber to avoid it. "It wont be so easy to hit me! But can you say the same about... YOURSELF?!"

And with that, tentacles exploded from the water, enveloping voldermort and pulling him into the murky deep.

"Tell me everything you know about the Moon Presence and the others under its influence here at Hogwarts," Severus Snape said as he was torturing Naked Filch with Unforgivable Spells.

but Filch had nothing to live for after his cat was lost. "IM NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING!" he screamed.

"What if we find your cat?" asked Malfoy.

"M-Mr.s Norris?" gasped Naked Filch, for a moment his humanity breaking through the Influence.

"Yeah whatever."

"Okay," agreed Naked Filch. "Find Mrs. Norris and I'll narc on everyone else who's been converted!"

"Good work, Malfoy," said Snape, closing the door behind them. "After we find Mrs. Norris and get all the information, you can kill Filch as a reward if you want."

"No thanks, Professor," said Daco gloomily. He was imagining what Harry and Cho were doing rn. It'd been about half an hour since they left together. it took 5 minutes to walk up to Harry's room. So the way Draco figured it, there was a 100% chance that at this moment, Harry was inside of Cho.

He didn't like that. He wished he could trade places with-- either one of them, he wasn't sure. Definitely one though, because this was bullshit. They were off having sex while he was stuck with Professor Snape torturing Naked Filch and now he had to go look for a cat? In his anger and jealousy, Draco decided at that moment that he'd somehow try to come between them.

"Professor, I have to go do something, I'll keep an eye out for Mrs. Norris though," Draco said.

"Draco, I don't mind you stealing Cho from my son," said Snape. "I want him to marry a White woman and I grow tired of his yellow fever. But if you try to turn my precious Harry gay, then... let's just say..."

Professor Snape put on a hat with a Confederate flag.

"Do I make myself clear?"

Draco gulped. "C-crystal, professor..."

Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyim were patrolling around Hogwarts U with Professor Flintwick, building a Big Beautiful Wall(BBW) of charms to keep out invaders who didnt belong in Hogwarts U. They already had enough problems to deal with, they didnt need MORE eldtrich monstrosities beyond human comprehension coming in.

"Professor Flitwick," said Crabbe. "Can you make suits for us like you did for Cho?"

Professor Flitwink sighed. "I can, but it'll kill me," he said.

"Okay" said Goyle.

"No professor, we still need you around. at least for now lol," said Crabbe. "But those suits sure would come in handy for this war. And it's a shame you made one for Cho. She's not even as powerful as us."

"Yeah why her professor?" asked Goyle.

"Because she's a Ravenclaw, lads, it was a House Secret" said Flitwick. "plus have you seen her body?"

They had.

"And not only that," went on Flitwick. "Not only is she nice and slim with a firm ass and 'juuust right' b-cup tits, but she's TALENTED. She may not be a Crabbe or a Goyle, but give her some credit, boys!"

"Professor did you see her naked when you were sizing her up for the suit?" asked Goyle.

"Of course I did," said Flitwick. "Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering," said Goyle, kicking a pebble. He wished HE got to see Cho naked.

Meanwhile, Cho was demonstrating just how talented she was, by biting Harry's neck and sucking every ounce of magic from his body!...!!??

"Noooooooooo," groaned Harry half-heartedly because she was still riding him and he was as hard as a diamond rn. he didn't even really know what was happening, it was awesome.

"I'm sorry Harry, but I have to do this," said Cho, as she left his passed-out body on his bed. he had such a satisfied goofy smile on his face. She put on her curse armor once again and prepared to go out... TO THE LAKE

More Betrayals

weanwhile, Voldemort was being dragged down into Davy Jones' Locker, the Final Destination of all Scurvy Witches and Wizards.

because even though Voldemort was a good guy, he'd still done bad things in his life, and he had to be punished for them. Or did he?

"Arrr, if it isn't Tom Riddle," said Davy Jones.

"Hello David," rasped Voldemort. "I must ask you to allow me to return to Hogwarts. My friends need me. The world needs me."

"Yaaar," laughed Jones. "Ye think ye can get away from suffer'n yer punishment? But ye cant, Tom. For all the Muggles and race-traitors ye killed, you owe me at least 72 hours of service on the Dutchman! THEN ye'll be free!"

"David," rasped Voldemort patiently, "I dont HAVE 72 hours! I need to go NOW!" He could feel something swelling within the pit of his tummy.

Jones glared at him and didnt relent. He pointed at the Flying Dutchman which was parked next to them. "Get. on. board. Tom."

Voldemort let out a deep breath as his second chakra gate opened. A fraction of a second later, Davy Jones' head was soaring through the air. Voldemort had jumped up and soccer kicked it clean off his shoulders.

He eyed the Flying Dutchman. "There's a new Captain in town," he rasped.

The magical protection charm that Proffessor McGonagall and Professor Midget had put on the door of Hogwarts U was holding... but maybe not for long. HP Longbottom was punching the door with his giant boxing gloves like Grond the battering ram from the Lord of the Rings.

Draco and Harry both perked up. They thought they'd heard a lotr reference, and as big Tolkienheads, they could sense these things. Harry didnt realize yet that all his magic was gone, he was still in the afterglow of the total and complete satisfaction Cho had given him. Draco could tell and he wanted to start crying. Instead he said

"S-so Harry, did you find that thing you were looking for?"

"Oh I found it," said Harry, pleased.

"O-oh... good..." Draco said.

He didnt know what else to do. He lunged onto Harry and tried kissing him, but Harry, in revulsion, pushed him off. "DRACO! What the hell?!"

"W-what?" asked Drako.

"I'm not gay, Draco," said Harry. "Ok? Just... accept it. Please. I want us to be friends, but if you're going to like, try to make me a fag, then idk what to tell you..."

"Y-yeah, I... sorry..." said Draco. He faced away from Harry and SEETHED. How dare POTTER reject him like this? There was only one thing left to do.

Malfoy jumped out the window and into... THE LAKE.

Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were sparring with each other in kickboxing.

Meanwhile, Cho Chang had begun her battle against the Elderitch Lord, HP Longbottom. She had to save the Hogwarts U gates like a mission in a video game-- and their health was very low.

"YOU FOOLISH HUMAN!!!" screamed Longbottom, swinging at her. "You really think you can defeat ME? MY POWER AND COSMIC INDIFFERENCE IS BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION!!! NO LIVING HUMAN CAN HINDER ME!!!"

Cho Chang bared her fangs and revealed she was in fact a vampire-succubus. "I am no human," she said, and she spinning back-kicked Longbottom so hard in the side of the head it popped off. Out from his neck burst Pangingi!

"I'm free!" she sang. She summoned Naked Hagrid, who appeared by her side almost instantly. "Take me away from here, slave," she ordered. "I must devour more witches. I will devour the Moon Presence when the time is right."

But then she stopped and looked at Cho Chang. "Nvm" she thought... "she's too powerful... for now..". Naked Hagrid sprouted tentacle wings and flew away with her.

HP Longbottom didnt say anything as his head reattached itself... but he felt like he'd just been broken up with. Totally used and thrown out. He thought that he and Pangingi were... he thought they were ONE... and the second his head falls off, she just LEAVES him, like nothing ever mattered to her? HP Longbottom's incomprehensible heart shrivelled and died, and he'd never felt more blackpilled. He clenched his fists. He hated star-women so much.

it was just Neville and Cho now. Neville, little sissyboy Neville, who'd always been Draco's punching bag back in Hogwarts 1... but now... he had THE POWR OF THE MOON lurking inside of him, the power to COMPLETELY DOMINATE any female brain, curse-armor or not.

Neville smirked and prepared to sprout his hypnotic eyeballs when Draco Malfoy leapt onto his back, slamming him into the ground. Malfoy hooked his legs in and mounted Neville's back and started punching him in the sides of the head. Neville knew what was happening because Malfoy used to do this to him all the time when they were kids. "MALFOY NOOOOO! PLEASE!!!" he sobbed, his PTSD flaring up.

"M-Malfoy!" Cho gasped. He didnt really save her, because Cho was prepared for the Moon, at least partially... BY SUCKING OUT HARRY'S MASCULINE MAGIC, Cho was able to partially-immunize her against the Moon Presence. Combined with her already impressive brainpower, it might have totally leveled the playing field against HP Longbottom.

But now? She didnt even have to test herself. Because Draco Malfoy was here, giving Neville permanent brain damage.

There were no teachers anywhere, so when Neville covered up the sides of his head, Malfoy just switched to punching him in the back of the head instead. It was hopeless lol. Neville was literally going to be beaten to death.

"No!" cried Cho, lunging onto Malfoy and pushing him off. "T-that's enough, Draco..." she whispered. Seeing Neville get the living shit beaten out him though had turned her on so much. And Harry hadn't even gotten close to satisfying her. It wasn't Harry's fault really, but that didn't matter. Cho was still well in the mood.

"Cho..." Draco said softly. He pulled her head down and kissed her.

The Power of Friendship

Crabbe and Goyle were finished with their training. they felt confident that they were the most electrifying tag-team in Hogwarts History. alone, sure, they were still top-1oo Wizards, no doubt. But TOGETHER? THAT was their secret weapon, the power of their friendship.

And there was nothing else like it in the world.

Crabbe and Goyle were so N-sync, that it alloewd them to hold their own against enemies even many times stonger than them alone. Years after the Great War, their Crabbe and Goyle's friendship would be considered by historians to be as powerful as the Elder Wand.

Speaking of the Elder Wand? Where was it? Good question. it was of course in hte hands of Harry Potter, who'd used it to Stupidfy Cho Chang into thinking she was a vampire-succubus who'd stolen his magic. "Sorry Cho," he said to himself. "I love you... but i cant be tied down. That's how ive been the Boy Who Lived all my life. there's no room in my life for such desires of the flesh." Harry flexed his bicep. "This. This is the key to my strength, the key to humanit's survival. ME! AND ME ALONE!" Harry was such a genius problem-solver. Cho, thinking she was like humanity's only hope or some shit, would leave Harry alone now. And Harry had even killed 2 birds with 1(one) stone, because now that bisexual idiot Malfoy would go chase after her and leave Harry alone, which was a good thing because truthfully a little more pressure and Harry would have made Draco his boiwife. But Harry was finally safe from everyone who wanted to have sex with him... Right?

Harry took out his sexual frustrations by punching a hole in the wall using Expelliarmus. He'd trained so much, that he was able to now cast magic without his wand, using his LIMBS as his wand. A punch or a kick from Harry Potter could be packed with anything from a Flippendo to... an Avada Kevadra!

And that's exactly what happened when Naked Hagrid snuck up on him from behind. He wrapped his massibe arms around Harry's back, preparing to bear-hug Harry to death!

But Harry Potter wasnt just the Boy Who Lived... he was the Boy Who Killed, too. He quickly focused his magic into the back of his head and he threw his head back, headbutting Hagrid in the chest with an Avada Kedavra!

Naked Hagrid fell to the ground, dead.

Harry stumbled a little. Casting the killing curse through his own head was enough to cause a major migraine. But he was OK... he was ok...

Or was he? For at that moment, Pangingi dropped down from the ceiling and landed on top of him.

"Potterrrrr..." she hissed.

Before Harry could even REACT, Pangingi gave him an Eldritch Dementor's Kiss. (which will be explained later!) but also it's an important detail to know that this isn't a regular Dementor's Kiss and is a lot more like French kissing.

Meanwhile, Malfoy was zipping up his pants. He'd made his impression. It was so over for Harry. Malfoy was about the same size as Harry, but was *very* much more energetic and attentive during sex, because he was on adderall and also unlike Harry, he hadn't taken a vow of chastity, so he'd had a lot of practice on Slytherin girls. Draco Malfoy knew how to work women like a veteran machinist knows how to survive whatever metal death-trap he's been stationed to for 15 years.

You'd never see a leaked video of Draco Malfoy being pulled into a gruesome mechanical death. The only thing Draco was ever pulled into was nice warm pussy.

"Draco!" gasped Cho. "That was... that was..."

Draco smirked. "I know," he said. "A bit better than the Boy Who Cums too Fast, arent I?"

"Who? Oh... Harry..." Cho was silent for a moment. She didn't really care about Harry lol. She was only ever into him because he was famous and popular, and not bad looking. But Malfoy was better in just about every way. Better looking, not a four-eyed geek like Potter. Better genes too. She knew Harry's mom was a mudblood. If she was going to race mix with a white boi, it might as well be a pure-blooded one like Draco. Plus, Harry didn't even have any magic anymore lol, she'd sucked it all out!

Yeah, Draco was the easy choice. Cho smiled to herself and closed her eyes. Then for Some Reason, Harry's mind-control over her ceased and it dawned on Cho that she wasn't really a vampire-succubus and that she'd been bamboozled.

She growled and sprung to her feet. Draco looked at her, surprised.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

She didn't respond, she summoned her broomstick and flew off to go give Harry a piece of her mind!

Meanwhile, Snape was angrily muttering to himself. "It's like I'm the only fucking person who does any work around here..." he was stalking the corridors looking for Mrs. Norris. He'd drank a potion that heightened his sense of smell to be like a hound's, so he was sniffin' out her trail.

Snape turned a corner, where he was certain Mrs. Norris was! And of course, what else would he find but a giant Were-cat hissing at him?

Snape barely had time to curse, in both ways, before it lunged at him. And IT barely had time to lunge at him, before Crabbe and Goyle ran out from behind Snape and tackled it in mid-air, pinning it down by both of its arms. It seethed and spat and hissed and wriggled and wiggled and wurmed and squirmed, but it couldn't get out from from under the two talented wizards.

Snape looked down at it. "Mrs. Norris, I presume..."

Norris

HP Longbottom groaned and stood up. He was alone at the front gate of Hogwarts U. His incomprehensible healing factor fixed up all the brain damage Horny Draco had dealt to him.

"Foolish, insignificant human..." spat Longbottom. "I'll make you regret not finishing me off!" He sprouted tentacle wings and took off.

Little did HP Longbottom know, that Malfoy ALREADY regretted not finishing him off!

Post-nut clarity tended to hit the intelligent Slytherin like a blast of dynamite. He knew that he had more important thing to think about than sex with Cho Chang, or his gay crush on Harry Potter. Malfoy was the TRIBAL CHIEF of Slytherin House, dammit. It was his duty to protect the school, nay, the WORLD.... dammit...

Malfoy hit himself on the head a few times, and summoned his broomstick. He was going to follow after Cho, but NOT for horny reasons, but to RALLY her and Harry, and meet up with Professor Snape! They had cosmic abominations to dispatch! Together!

Before Draco could hop onto his stick though, a tentacle erupted from the earth and dragged him down into the dirt.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Norris was shrieking racial and homophobic slurs at Snape and Crabbe and Goyle as they dragged her hog-tied through the corridors back to Naked Filch. She'd been given the Gift of Gab! one of the last bastions of free speech on the Internet! Make your account today!

"This cat is based as hell, professor," said Crabbe. "Do we really have to turn her over to that pervert who was obviously molesting her?"

"I'm afraid we do, Goyle," said Snape.

"I'm--"

"Kidding, Crabbe, I'm only joking. You think I can't tell you two apart?" He smiled and patted them both on the backs. And then he added: "And you think I can't tell when you're under the Influence of the Moon?"

Crabbe and Goyle gasped as Professor Snape, with incredible strength and speed, took them both by the backs of their heads and bonked them into each other like the three stooges. THey passed out cold in his arms.

"Poor lads..." he sighed. Concussions were no fun, but it was all he could do for them right now. He HAD to get Racist Mrs. Norris back to Naked Filch FAST, so he could learn who else was a Moon Spy.

He laid the lads down and kissed their foreheads to make it better. They had only RECENTLY been mind-broken by the Moon Presence, so they'd be okay when they woke up, probably.

The only question was... .........................who had attacked them? Who could have SUCCESSFULLY beaten two of the greatest wizards of their generation?

Severus's answer came in the form of a laugh.

"Oh Severus," chuckled Dumbledore, who appeared from behind the corner. He was naked. "I just don't know what to do with you..."

"Of course..." thought Snape to himself, "Dumbledore's a faggot... to the Moon Presence, he's no stronger than a woman..."

Naked Dumbledore was smiling hideously and incomprehensibly as he outstretched his arms. "Come, Severus. Embrace me. Embrace the Moon. It's what Lily would have wanted."

Snape said nothing. Instead, he took from his robes his Confederate flag hat. He turned it backwards, like Ash Ketchum.

As Dumbledore's hands turned into tentacles, Snape was already upon him with his collapsible baton.

During this, Mrs. Norris had managed to escape from her bonds. She was now running like a cheetah through the halls. "I've got to find my frens," she thought to herself.

Racist Mrs. Norris didn't have to look far, because her oomfies had already been looking for her too!

"Fawkes! Buckbeak!" said Mrs. Norris happily as they ran along beside her.

"We've been looking for you, Mrs. Norris," said Fawkes telepathically. Buckbeak couldnt talk because he was stupid but he could understand stuff. Fawkes went on: "Someone let in a bunch of those people you don't like! We wanted to make sure you were OK!"

Which Magically-Accepted People (MAPS) Fawkes was referring too would never be known, because all three of them stopped dead in their tracks. Naked Filch and Naked Wormtail aka Peter Pettigrew were there. They stood their grinning horribly (and incomprehensibly) for a moment, before tentacles exxploded from their arms and they started sprinting towards Mrs. Norris and company.

Cat Fights

As he was dragged through an underground tunnel by tentacles, Draco Malfoy found himself in a Dead Space cutscene where he had to use his wand to cast severing charms at the tentacles to get them off before it was too late!

"DIFFINDO! DIFFINDO!" Draco screamed, and the magic FLEW from his wand like a samurai sword, chopping the tentacles off and freeing him. "Yay, I did it!" Malfoy cheered but then he realized he was traped underground in a very cramped tunnel and could be barely breathe.

"This might be the end..." Draco said. But then he remembered that he could apparate and so he did.

Draco apparated in Harry's room just in time to see Cho Chang and Pangingi in a cat fight. Harry was standing back watching them go at it. He and Draco were STUNNED at the fight that was taking place in front of them. The witch and star-witch abomination were casting high-level spells at each other that Draco didnt even RECOGNIZE. But Pangingi was obviously more powerful. She'd absorbed over a dozen witches at this point (and was now complete mystery-meat, but still not bad looking) AND she'd ACTKUSALLY taken all of Harry's magic with her Eldritch Dementor's Kiss. Cho was gonna lose! She kept taking curses to her fine-as-fucc body, and Professor's Midget's anti-curse armor held up, but the impact was still like getting shot. aAnother curse sent her off her feet and Pangingi stood over her, smirking incomprehensibly, and was about to Avaka Kedavara her right in the face, but Malfoy snapped out of it and tackled her off!

"FOOLISH MAN-THING!!!" Pangingi shrieked. "GET OFF OF ME! HEEEEEELP!!!!! THIS INCEL IS BEING CREEPY!!!!"

Harry's trigger-word, "incel", activated his thralldom and he kicked Draco off of Pangingi. "Leave her alone, Incel Dork!" he yelled. "No woman will ever fuck you!"

Draco looked up at him, stunned. Harry's face had mutated into a Soyjak.

"why am i so hungry?" wondered Dobby the House Elf as he rummaged through the kitchen, snacking like a fiend.

He took a handful of Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans (spinach, coffee, drywall, steak, paint, and asian girl armpit) and chomped them down with a glass of iced tea, but suddenly a pirate ship burst through the wall, impaling and pinning poor Dobby to the wall.

Voldemort hopped off the Flying Dutchman. "I've returned!" he rasped. And after taking a second to euthanize Dobby, he sprinted out of the kitchen to find where he could help!

He didn't have to sprint long! Because Racist Mrs. Norris and her fellow racist magical creatures were WARRING with Naked Filch and Naked Wormtail!

Norris had latched on to Naked Filch's arm with her fangs, and he was swinging her massive werecat body through the air with his star-thrall strength. "Mrs. Norris, why are you doing this!" he yelled angrily. She only hissed in reply.

Buckbeak and Fawkes were having a bit of a harder time. Naked Peter Pettigrew had perfected Rat Magic and had transformed into a giant rat!

"Mrs. Norris! Buckbeak! Fawkes!" rasped Voldemort. "SWITCH OPPONENTS!" he advised.

Genius! Mrs. Norris dropped off of Naked Filch and ran at Giant-Rat Form Naked Peter Pettigrew, and his ratbrain instinct caused him to freak out and run away! But Mrs. Norris was faster than him! She jumped and bit into the back of his neck, and brought him down like a lion taking down a gazelle.

Giant cat vs giant rat? You do the math. Here's a hint: 1+1 = Mrs. Norris tore Peter Pettigrew's head off and flung it at Naked Filch, who was being dragged into the air by Buckbeak and Fawkes, so hard that it slammed him into the wall, the head breaking his ribs and the wall breaking his back. Then when he fell and landed, he broke his left arm. His life was ruined.

"Good job, everyone!" rasped Voldemort happily, running over to them. They all happily surrounded them and he joyfully petted them.

Meanwhile Pangingi was back to magically beating the hell out of Cho Chang because Harry had tackled Draco out the window, and into... THE LAKE!

"It's over, bitch," cackled Pangingi, as she lifted Cho up against the wall and prepared to absorb her. But was it really over?

No, because Luna Lovegood tackled Pangingi off of Cho! "Get out of here, Cho!" she cried.

"I'm not leaving you!" said Cho.

Luna used magic to throw Cho out the window, and into the lake! "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Pangingi.

Kedavra Ultima

Voldemort took out his knife from Monster Hunter and carved up Wormtail, collecting 1 Rat Meat, 1 Tail, and 2 Fangs. He put them into his inventory. "This is exactly what I needed," he rasped.

Mrs. Norris, who was a racist, spoke up first. "Tom," she said. "Thank you for coming to help us. What's our next move to remove these subhumans from the school?"

Voldemort stood over Naked Filch, who was groaning in agony. He rasped "Well, Filch. Will you help us identify the Star-Spawn in the school? Maybe I can mend your broken bones if you do."

Naked Filch just wanted the suffering to end. "SAVE ME AND I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING," he weeped.

Before he could do that though, HP Longbottom dropped down from the ceiling, landing on Naked Filch's head and smashing it like a pumpkin. In an instant, he and Voldemort were exchanging punches and kicks.

"Mrs. Norris!" rasped Voldemort, "Get out of here! Find Draco Malfoy!"

"Okay," said Mrs. Norris, and she cursed and said some racial slurs. "Come on, gang!" Fawkes and Buckbeak retreated with her.

Meanwhile Pangingi was riding a newly-reborn Naked Hagrid through the school, punching and aborbing every witch unlucky enough to pass by her. After Luna Lovegood had sent Cho Chang out the window, Pangingi threw her out the window in anger as well. Now Pangingi was kicking herself for not just absorbing Luna instead. She had to make up for it.

"Hi, I'm Angelina!" said Angelina Johnson.

Pangingi punched her in the face, adding a dash of chocolate to her form. Angelina's magic was strong enough to transform her now into Pangelingi.

Pangelingi flexed her hands. The power... she had to test it... She told Naked Hagrid to halt.

"Yes mistress!" he cried, falling on to his hands and knees so she could dismount him.

"What kind of a man are you?" asked Pangelingi.

"A girly-man," sobbed Naked Hagrid.

"Go on," said Pangelingi.

"M-mistress?" stuttered Naked Hagrid.

"WHAT ELSE ARE YOU?" screamed Pangelingi.

"A little sissy baby girly-boi!" Naked Hagrid cried.

"What's between your legs?" asked Pangelingi.

"A useless little girl-dick," Naked Hagrid blubbered.

"Excellent," said Pangelingi. "You may leave now."

Naked Hagrid got to his feet and turned away to leave.

"Oh, Slave?" she said.

"Y-yes Mistr--"

Pangelingi cast Kedavra Ultima at him, sending a nuclear bomb's force of Death at him, breaking him down to the atomic level. In a flash of vibrant green, there was no more Hagrid there, naked or otherwise.

All that remained of him was the saddle that had been strapped to him for Pangelini to ride.

"That will be all, Slave," she cackled, reaching into the saddlebag and taking Hagrid's wallet again.

Crabbe and Goyle woke up. "Kedavra Ultima..." they said in unison.

Naked Dumbledore and Severus Snape even stopped fighting for a moment when they felt it. That POWER. "No..." said Severus. "It can't be..."

Naked Dumbledore grinned hideously. "It CAN be."

Crabbe and Goyle Save the World?

In South Africa, it's normal and NOT GAY for bros to kiss on the lips, so that's exactly what Crabbe and Goyle did to express their FRIENDSHIP for each other before they ran off to face this new threat!

They're NOT GAY. K? Just say you've never had friends. Or South African friends.

Crabbe and Goyle had previously vacationed together in South Africa as mercenaries working to protect farmers from Dark Wizards and they picked up some of the local customs. They're both attracted exclusively to women. You can kiss someone without being attracted to them, do you understand that? Or are you too stupid? It's just A THING THEY DO in South Africa, like how uh, in whatever country they kiss people on the cheek, okay? It's not like they're blowing each other, it's a freaking peck on the lips. They're not FRENCH KISSING, it's A PECK TO EXPRESS FRIENDSHIP. A friendship peck.

"NOT SO FAST YA WEE LITTLE QUEERS," roared Naked Hagrid, sprinting toward them at full speed. He had his infamous umbrella in one hand, and a Heckler & Koch MP5 in the other. Goyle prepared to blast him.

"RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, RULES OF ENGAGEMENT!!" shouted Snape, dragging them both into a classroom and slamming the door shut.

"Professor, what are you doing!?"

"Hagrid didn't *technically* threaten you with his umbrella or his submachine gun, boy! Remember, Slytherin House is a lifesaving organization, we have to do everything in our power to avoid unnecessary loss of life.

Hagrid blasted the door off its hinges, and it landed on Snape, like that scene in the Fellowship of the Rings when the Black Rider knocks down the wooden gate on top of the watchman in Bree.

Crabbe and Goyle Stood Their Ground, blasting Hagrid with a co-op Avada Kedavra that was so powerful that it even rivaled Pangelingi's Kedavra Ultima!!

"rrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" yelled Crabbe and Goyle like Goku, pouring their very heart and soul into it! And That-- wait a minute, I just remembered I killed off Hagrid in the last chapter.

It was not naked Hagrid after all! But an INNOCENT BYSTANDER who was dressed as Hagrid for Halloween! Oh no! And it wasn't just ANY innocent bystander, it was a cute girl! And they'd KILLED her! What a tragic and unncessary waste of human life!

From underneath the door, Severus Snape coughed up blood. "You see, lads... that's why... ...rules... of engagement..."

Crabbe and Goyle fell to their knees in sorrow. The girl's soul left her body and apologized for scaring them and told them that it was OK because now she could be with her mom, who'd been killed by Pangelingi in the First Cosmic Wizarding War. How's that for some lore?

The girl's mother was none other than Raphtalia Ravenclaw, a direct descendent of Rowena Ravenclaw. The girl was a foreign-exhjan... I can't do this... what am I going...

The girl was Rei Ravenclaw, a foreign-exchange student from South Korea because the Ravenclaws had moved to South Korea at some point because Rodimus Ravenclaw was a missionary. She herself was not Korean, but she spoke it flewlmao "flewently". Ravenclaws are naturally gifted at learning things.

Why does all of this matter? Well, no-one knew it but her mother, but Rei Ravenclaw actually had a powerful djinn sealed inside of her. And now it was RELEASED.

The djinn flew out of Rei's mouth in the form of smoke, and it looked trustworthy enough.

"I am Xequazbabba," it jinned.

"So what?" asked Goyle. "We just MURDERED an innocent, cute girl!"

"She was so good-looking," sobbed Crabbe. "I CAN'T GO ON."

"I can bring her back," said Xequ. "I will grant you 3 wishes for releasing me from my prison."

"What's the catch?" asked Crabbe, suspicious.

"There is no catch," said Xequ. "Just tell me what you want! It's that easy! Really! Lol! Trust me! Haha"

Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other and nodded. "We wish Rei was alive again!"

Rei gasped and began breathing again. She remained KO'd.

"Whoa... this djinin's legit..." whispered Crabbe.

Without hesitation, Goyle yelled "I WISH PANGELINGI WAS DEAD!"

From the hallway, Pangelingi heard him yelling that, instantly recognized it as a magical wish that was about to be granted because no one would just scream out a wish unless they were actually talking to a genie, so she herself screamed her friggin lungs out "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" and tried running into the room to stop it somehow.

As she entered, Xequ beaned her on the back of the head with a brick.

She fell straight on her face, totally limp.

She landed on the broken door, the extra "thump" of which snapped Snape back into consciousness. He crawled out from under it and examined the scene. "Good job boys, it looks like you just saved the world."

Crabbe and Goyle smiled and kissed each other on the lips, friendship style.

"But what will your final wish be?" asked Rei Ravenclaw quietly. Crabbe and Goyle turned and saw that Xequazbabba was laughing its ass off. And then it rhymed like an asshole. "Be quick about it, for once your final wish is spent, the moon will begin its descent!

Fakeo

"What's going on here?" demandedd Draco Malfoy. "Who is this Original Character Girl I've Never Seen Before who's all emo-looking and such a stereotype?" ...and why's she so CUTE, he thought.

"Draco, there's no time to explain, we need ur help to kill this genie because it's a Moon Genie that tricked us into making wishes that empower the moon."

i cant cope with this, what a stupid story

"Guys!" said Harry, barging in. He punched Xequazbabba in the face, casting Incendio with his fist, and it was powerful enough to DESTROY the genie. wow.

"S-such power," gasped Rei Ravenclaw. "You must be the Boy of Legend,"

"I'm no boy," said Harry Potter. "I'm a man." and he grabbed her with one arm and kissed her right then and there

Crabbe, Goyim, and Draco, all SEETHED with jealousy, but not more than CHO CHANG, who'd inconveniently showed up at that moment!

"Harry-- how could you..." but then Snape cast Stupidfy on her, and she fell unconscious.

"My son, I'll wipe her memory so we can focus on the task ahead of us. We have to destroy HP Longbottom once and for all. Cho is too useful to be all upset. You shouldn't have kissed that girl though, that was reckless."

"My recklessness just saved the world," said Harry, kissing Rei again.

Snape couldn't help but chuckle, because Draco was visibly upset. Crabbe and Goyle were good at hiding their emotions though.

Harry was useless rn, he was too horny, so everyone left him and Rei to it.

"Now what do we do?" asked Draco.

Snape stabbed him through the heart with his silver ASsassin's Creed blade. "Nice try, FAKE-o" Draco dissolved into stardust.

"What was that?!" asked Goyle.

"The real Draco is in the lake fighting for his life," siad Snape.

What! exclaimed Crabbe.

"Das rite, and I'll tell you another thing," said Snape. "The real Harry is not that creature in the room with Rei, the REAL Harry is in the lake with Draco!!! That's a starchild in that room who tried to bamboozle us."

Crabbe nad Goyle's faces turned white as ghosts. "W-we need to..."

Snape smirked. "No we don't"

There was a horrible shriek, and Crabbe and Goyle barged back into the room to find Rei going psycho-trauma survival mode on Harry Starchild with a knife. He'd partially transformed but it had been interrupted by her carving half his face off.

Before she could start eating him, Snape pulled her off like she was a feral cat. "Her bloodline is at odds with the moon prescence's effect on women, resulting in her attacking even starchildren like Fake Harry."

"Ok that makes perfect sense, but now what are we going to do?" Goyle asked, as he took out a blowpipe and shot Rei with a tranq. "Harry and Draco are in the lake for some reason-- should we help them?"

"We can't help them," said Snape. "Only time can heal what Cho Chang did to them with her feminine wiles. All we can do is hope that the Longbottom attacks them before they kill each other."

"Ok, so we can take a break," said Goyle happily. he lied down with his back on the wall, his knees were killing him after all the walking they'd done. but then...

"YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER," cackled Naked Dumbledore, but it's only JUST begun! and he lunged onto Snape, who screamed in yuck.

"Professor!!!" cried the Crabbeoyle. They tried to help him, but they were blocked by none-other than PANGELINGI?!

"You FOOLS!" she screamed. "You really think the Moon Genie would betray a fellow Moon Child? You were played for FOOLS!" And she kicked Goyle between the legs as hard as she could. He screamed in agony and fell.

"GOYLEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" cried Crabbe, and he rushed over to him, but Pangelingi's shin caught his testicles as well, sending him crashing to the ground."

"SLAVE!!" sang Pangelingi, and Naked Hagrid returned from the void for her.

He knelt. "YES MISTRESS, I LIVE TO SERVE YOU."

Pangelingi took his wallet. "Kill those two little twerps. Then massage my feet."

"YES MISTRESS," said Naked Hagrid, and he grabbed Crabbe and started to strangle him. OH NO. Is this the end of CRABBE and GOYLE??

Ronald's Heart

"It's the gufrt that keeps on giving" cackled Panelingi.

"Excuse me?" asked Naked Dumbledore, as he attempted to rear-naked choke Professor Snape, who was desperately trying not to give up his back. Naked.

"Excuse ME, there was something in my throat!" roared Pangelingi, hacking up Ron Weasley!

"Ron!" cried Rei Ravenclaw, "Do something!"

Although Ron was no-longer human, his DEEP LOVE for Rei touched his last tiny itty bitty Old Self. In truth, Rei was a large part of the reason why Ron didn't care when HP Longbottom stole Hermione from him. He'd always loved Rei instead, and Hermione was really annoying and going through a Third-Wave feminism phase. It didn't bother Longbottom, because Feminists are powerless against writers of Cosmic Horror. Because HP was SUCH A GOOD WRITER, Hermione's sapiosexuality brain-drained her when she was with him and turned her into the perfect girlfriend: quiet and pretty.

but Ron? Ron had failed Creative Writing every single year at Hogwarts U. He couldn't write his way out of a paper bag, and so Hermione browbeat the shit out of him every chance she got. HP Longbottom really had saved his life. He owed everything to him. Although he didn't realize it.

Peabrain that he was, he was still terrified of being alone. But Rei had always been there for him, even when Hermione was lecturing him. Ron would ignore her stupid women's history(HERstory) lessons and constant nagging, and spend basically all day, every day, just texting Rei.

The polar opposite of Hermione the obnoxious bookworm, Rei was Ron's manic pixie 4chan neet tomboy gamergirl who didn't shower or wash her clothes enough. She wore a too-big hoodie, her hair was a friggin mess that she just-barely kept from becoming dreads, and she'd always fall asleep on his shoulder. Ron would have murdered everyone in school for her, and ALL the other guys were jealous as HECK that she seemed to only spend time with Ron. Well, when he could escape Hermione for a few hours.

HP Longbottom cucking Ron was the happiest day of his miserable life. Recently, Hermione had been attempting to receive the gift of Mugglepox in order to help combat stigma against the historically marginalized Muggosexual Community. She'd no-doubt get it eventually, but on her brave sexual odyssey she'd also received many other love-transmitted giftseases that she insisted on spreading to Ron to prove that he wasn't racist. And so Ron had been creating clones of himself, with the help of professor Snape, to sacrifice upon the altar of Progress. When a Ron Clone had been infected by an anti-racist STD, Snape would take them out behind Hagrid's barn and put them out of their misery with an expertly-placed slug to the back of the head. The corpses would be fed to Aragog's children, strengthening the bond of frensship between them and the wizards.

But the cloning process was very energy-consuming, and it made Ron vulnerable to the power of the Moon.

this is such good lore.

Rei knew what was going on, because Ron was an open book to her. But she didn't know how she could help. Hermione scared the shit out of her and Rei knew that she would RUIN her on Hogger, the school's social media platform. Hermione ruled the roost online, and no-one dared question any of her extremely-brilliant posts about social issues and how easily a perfect world could be achieved if only magical reactionary Christo-nazis would stop getting in the way.

Why does all of this matter? Because Pangelingi believed that Ron was infected by the Mugglepox virus and was going to bite Professor Snape, who was still being held down by Naked Dumbledore!

How could Pangelingi, a mere star spawn, understand the power of Love?

In an instant, Ronald the Brave was upon her, tackling her with superhuman strength like Kuwabara when Heie.. how do i spell He-aye...

Ron tackled Pangelingi through the wall, and into... the lake!

"Ron!" cried Rei, rushing to the hole in the wall.

"OOOH NO YA DONT LASSY!" roared Naked Hagrid, tossing Crabbe and sprinting toward her. Big mistake.

With his windpipe no-longer being crushed, Crabbe let loose an Imperius Curse at Naked Hagrid that froze his giant ass in place before turning him around to Naked Dumbledore and Snape.

With tears in his naked eyes, Naked Hagrid lifted Naked Dumbledore off of Snape. "I'm sorry, Headmaster," he sobbed.

"RUBEUS, NOOOOOOOO!!!" cried Dumbledore.

It was too late. Snape let loose his hidden blade, coated in Mugglepox, and shanked the both of them before drop-kicking them through the hole in the wall. Goyle grabbed Rei away from the hole so Naked Hagrid's giant idiot frame wouldn't hit her.

The two villains fell after their master, and after the brave hero who'd resisted the Moon Presence controlling him. But THEN...!

"Rei, nooooooo!" cried Goyle as Rei broke from his grasp and swan-dived after them.

"Stay here, boys," roared Snape, and he threw off his cloak revealing another skin-tight curse-proof bodyarmor like Cho Chang's. Everyone was AMAZED at how shredded he was. Cho Chang, using her Asian brain, instantly realized that Snape had been FAKING losing the fight against Naked Dumbledore, in order to give Ron time to uhlmao in order to give Ron time to regain his humanity with the help of Rei.

Professor Shredded Snape lunged through the hole in the wall and prepared for the swim of his life. Now that Naked Dumbledore was infected with Mugglepox, he'd be no magical threat and Naked Hagrid would surely sink like a stone. but Pangelingi would still be there. and who KNOWS what was going on with Harry and Draco!?

We'll soon see...

Battle in the Lake

Shredded Snape landed on Naked Hagrid's head, snapping his neck between his thighs in mid-air.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Pangelingi. "My paypiggy!!" Hagrid' wallet fell from his limp body and Pangelini clutched it before turning back to nail her dive into the water.

Immediately, she began drowning Ron, and he was totally helpless because he was so tired from being partially-digested by Pangeling, and he'd used his last bit of energy tackling her through the wall. Oh btw, the reason he's human again now is because when Pangelingi consumed him and Professor Werewolf, her stomach acid melted away Lupin and the i cant do this shit... the pain of digestion reawakened Ron and made him regain a large amount of consciousness which allowed him to uh, be made whole again by Rei.

Ron had avoided being fully digested by climbing the walls of Pangelingi's insides, like Inuyasha when he was inside his dad's remains.

Anyway, now Naked Dumbledore was laughing and dragging Ron's feet underwater and sticking out his tongue at Ron and makeing scary mean faces at him! it was so creepy that it was scarier overall than Pangelingi dunking his head underwater. there was something really obnoxious about the double-team drowning they were performing on him.

but then Shredded Snape yanked Pangelingi off of Ron! But Naked Dumbledore doubled his naked efforts and gave his leg a big yank, pulling Ron farther down into the murky depths.

Naked Dumbledore then embraced Ron in a nightmarish and gay bear-hug, squeezing the life out of him!

Meanwhile, Rei was on top of Pangelingi with Shredded Snape, and they were just punching the hell out of her head.

"ow ow OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! YOU LITTLE --"

Shredded Snape yanked Pangelingi's head back and Rei shoved her wand up her nose and yelled "LOCOMOTOR MORTIS!"

ZAP! Pangelingi's brain was FROZEN SOLID, rendering her comatoseeeeeeee i willnever wake up without an overdoseeeeee of yooouu IDONTWANNA LIVE I DONTWANNA BREATHE UNLESS I FEEL YOU NEXT TO ME

"Where's Ron?" asked Rei, as she stopped singing Comatose by Skillet in her head, and she and Snape used Pangelingi's drooling idiot self as a buoy.

Snape turned whiter. He looked down below and saw Naked Dumblore gibing Ronald the hug of death.

Rei followed Shreded Snape's gaze and Comatose started playing in real life and it was like she was in a boss battle as she dived off of Pangelingi. Shredded Snape reached out a hand to stop her, but pulled back. He knew there was no stopping her.

When Rei reached Naked Dumbledore, she bit his ear off. In pain, Naked Dumbledore released the Weaseley, and Rei grabbed him, but she didn't have the strength in her small body to pull him, because he was so weighed down by his sins and jeans and school robes.

It was at that moment, when all hope seemed lost, that Harry and Malfoy shot up from the bottom of the lake, piloting a Slythdam TOGETHER, and they grabbed Ron and Rei in one giant hand and swatted Bleeding One-Earred Naked Dumbledore with another.

Shredded Snake watched from the hole in the wall above(he'd climbed back up) and smiled. Harry and Malfoy, his favorite students, had finally learned to work together. He recognized that particular Slythdam as a powerful prototype that could only be piloted by two wizards in perfect sync. Malfoy had stopped being homosexual, and Harry had in response no-longer felt the frustrated need to dominant Malfoy and make a girl of him. They were now perfect partners, capable of piloting the greatest mech the Ravenclaw nerds had ever whipped up.

But was it enough?

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH!!" shrieked HP Longbotom, in eldritch incomprehensible giant-squid form, flying at them and tackling them out of the lake and against the stone-cold stone walls of the castle. And not only that, but Pangelingi had regained her consciousness and was rallying withe Naked Dumbledore!

"NO!" creid Goyle.

"Darnnit!" yelled Crabbe.

but before they could act, Cho Chang, in her skin-tight curse-proof armor, which she'd upgraded so now it just looked like a skintight swimsuit (also you could see her navel impression), , she dived into the lake to join the battle.But what could she be planning against such monstrosities?!

Cho Mama

Curse Proof One Piece Swimsuit Armor Cho Chang landed feet-first on the head of Naked Dumbledore, exploding his skull like a watermelon with a FLIPENDO! kick! She'd learned from Harryhow to use her limbs to cast spells! And before Pangelingi could even react, Cho had stomped down through her head too with another FLIPENDO kick, drilling her heel into Pangelingi's neck! Cho Chang was now using both of their bodies like stilts so she could walk in the water! Such grace!

"Harry!" Cho cried, "I'm coming, just hold on!"

Harry and his bff Draco were struggling for their lives in their mech against the cosmic might of HP Longbottom, who had the full power of the Moon coursing through his big slimy veins. He was draining the life out of the duo like some kinda Moon Vampire, with his tentacles breaching the Slythdam and molesting the pilots in every way they could.

Cho sprinted across the lake on her corpse-stilts. Crabbe and Goyle were cheering her on, and even Snape couldn't help but feel inspired by her bravery. He started mumbling a protection charm on her, like he did for Harry in year 1!

Rei and The Wease had been thrown aside when HP Longbottom tackled the Slythdam, and they were resting now on Naked Hagrid's corpse. Like at the end of Titanic when they were resting on that big piece of wood. was it a painting? idr.

Ronald was still out cold, but Rei was wide awake and sensed something. It was coming from Cho Chang.

"She's with child..." she whispered, and she felt in that moment a thrill of love she'd not felt in her life. For she knew that Cho Chang was carrying the son of Harry Potter, and that this child was a child of the Sun.

After Draco had beaten up Harry in the lake and saved him from Pangelingi's Soyboy Curse, it had reawakened within Harry the ... spirit of the Sun that... uh... had been with him when he accidentally impregnated Cho Chang because he hates pulling out like everyone in their right mind. But Cho was secretly hoping that Harry would knock her up anyway. And her wish was granted big league, because with Harry's fire-hose load, the two of them had created the WIZARD OF THE SUN, who was d.. im so tired.

the wizard of the Sun who was destined to destroy the Moon once and for all. so when Cho reached HP Longbottom and threw a karate-kick with her Dumbledore-corpse stilt, Longbottom FELT the horrifying presence of the "just a clump of cells" that was living inside of Cho. He screamed in fear, and also disgust because Naked Dumbledore's headless corpse was now on top of him. Cosmicbottom spread his tentacle wings and flew off, shrieking.

"WAIT FOR ME!!" screamed Headless Pangelingi, growing her head back and pushing out Cho's foot. She leaped into the sky and grabbed onto Nevillebottom's leg and the two flew off. Cho didn't stop to think about how easy it was to defeat Neville.

Cho Chang tore open the cockpit of the Slythdam to see Malfoy shielding Harry ftrom the remnants of Longbottom's tentacles. Malfoy was totally dead and Harry was crying because men cry too.

"Draco, he..."

Cho nodded and entered the cockpit to embrace them. She was only like 1 day pregnant but already had serious mommy energy rn, and it comforted Harry and put him to sleeplol.

Shredded Snape appeared behind her at the door, carrying Rei on his broad shoulders. "Cho," he said. "There's something Rei has to tell you."

Also Shredded Snape was no-longer Shredded Snape, but had become Naked Snape. He wasn't naked though, he was just shirtless, he was like Naked Snake from Metal Gear Solid 3. Naked Snape.

"Wh-what is it?" asked Cho.

Rei climbed off of Naked Snape's back and bowed before Cho Chang and kissed her feet. "Mother, Queen of the Wizarding World," she said. "You will deliver us a King."

Malfoya and Harriet

i named the chapter already, so i have to figure out how im going to do this...

ok.

suddenly, Draco's body started twitching. The HP Longbottom's tentacles_on_male attack had successfully possessed him! Or should I say... her?

Yes, because before everyone's eyes, Draco's body began transmogfrirficying as if he had downed a polyjuice potion!

"W-what's going on with him?!" asked Harry, spooked, because Draco was still on top of him.

Naked Snape knew what was happening and had to act fast. There were 2 women present. Women are already helpless to begin with, but Cho was also PREGGERS with some kind of Happa Child of Legend. Snape knew he had to prioritize her and her baby's safety. He grabbed Cho and leaped out backwards out of the cockpit. He'd return for Rei ASAP... or so he thought...

Malfoya had finished transforming into a woman and she was a vampire and in the perfect position to BITE hARRY's neck.

"YOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!" screamed Harry, but it was TOO LATE, because now the Womanism was passed to him! Harr this is so stupid...

Harry was a woman now, and he -- excuse me, SHE and Malfoya turned to Rei who was backing up fearfully

"G-guys?"

"IT'S MA'AM" they roared, and yeah, to be fair, it was actually true, and they bum-rushed her and she let out a fearful

aAAAAAAAAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! and Naked Snape was like "Rei! and he climbed back up into the Slythdam to find that they had blasted through the rear and uh. They were gone. They'd abucted Rei!

"Hahahahahahaha!!!!" laughed HP Longbottom like an asshole, telepathically communicating with Snaked Snape. "Potter and Malfoy are now under MY control! The control of the MOON! The control... OF THE COSMOSSSSSSSSS!!"

Naked Snape mentally braced and psychically clocked HP Longbottom in the face. "I've got to save that girl..." he said. "Will I be able to handle Harry and Draco myself?"

"No professor," panted Ron Weaselyy. "So I'll come wiht you."

"Ron, don't take this personally," said Snape. "But you're a major weakling. You're dumb, you're not magically gifted, and you're about as physically helpless as a woman. And you suck."

"I know," said Ron. "But I love Rei. I'm GOING to get her back. With or without your help."

Naked Snape smiled and put his hand on the Wease's shoulder. "OK. Just don't get in my way." He handed Weasely the Roman gladius he'd confiscated from him earlier.

idk how people type on these skinny membrane keyboards, i feel like m going insane...

those were the thoughts of Crabbe and Goyle as they typed up their last wills. They were preparing for the worst. Between them, they felt they could defeat Pangelingi.. but they decided one of them had to stay behind and protecc Pregnant Cho Chang.

They kissed on the lips, friendship style, and Goyle followed after Naked Snape and Ronald the Brave.

You don't have to stay with me, Crabbe," said Cho. "I can take care of myself."

"I know, Cho," said Crabbe. "You're the strongest gir-- excuse me, woman, I've ever known... but we can't take any chances. Your child is going to restore the Wizarding World to its former glory."

Cho was having trouble believing it.

"What is this legend, anyway?" she asked. "I've heard of the Wizard of the Sun, but I don't really know anything about it..."

Voldemort arrived just in time to lore dump.

"When the Land of the Rising Sun meets the Land of the Setting Sun. When East meet West, they will create the Eternal Sun," Voldemort rasped wisely.

"When a White and an Asian both of significant magical prowess mate, there's a chance they can create a Happamage," explained Crabbe. "It's very rare, but the child's power will be unlike anything else in that time. A Happamage toddler would be able to defeat even a being like Pangelingi."

"Wow, that's really interesting," interrupted Chapterbreak Thug, pointing a gun at Cho. "Now come with me."

Hagrid's Revenge

Crabbe stood in front of Cho Chang with his hands up. "Don't hurt her, she's pregnant."

The Chaperbreak Thug snorted. "So what? It's just a meaningless clump of cells. Really, logically speaking, if you think about it using Logic and Reason, it's TECHNICALLY speaking a parasite, you do realize that don't you? I don't know if you realized that. Have you ever seen the Alien movies? That's like what pregnancy is. I'm so glad that I'm #ChildFree so I can have free time and extra money to enjoy hobbies and activities the Breeders such as yourselves simply can't! Now, do you have any last words, sexist incel?"

"Yeah," growled Hagrid from behind as he lifted him.

Hagrid flung the Chapterbreak Thug out the window down onto the campus below. A good 70 feet drop.

"Touch grass."

Crabbe eyed Hagrid suspiciously. I can't type like this, there's a freaking delay. 1 sec...

"What are you doing here, Hagrid?" asked Crabbe. "And why did you save us?"

Hagrid cracked his giant knuckles. "I'm not the Hagrid you know. I'm the Real Hagrid. When the dung started hitting the fan, Aragog used her babies to create a Fake Hagrid made out of millions of spiders and replace me until we could uh... get a full understanding of the situation."

Voldemort smiled broadly. He knew this was the case the entire time, but had kept it to himself for Aragog's sake. He was glad that all was finally being revealed. He took a seat a lit a cigarette.

Crabbe didn't have a clue but immediately knew it was true because of Voldemort's smoking.

"Oh, Hagrid!" cried Cho, and she hugged him. "We thought you'd been sissified!" Hagrid patted her back.

"It's alright, Miss Chang, there there, everything's OK now."

But Crabbe knew better. "It's NOT OK now, is it Hagrid? That's why you're finally revealing yourself, rather than just having Spider Hagrid make a move by themselves."

Hagrid nodded. "You're right, Crabbe. The Hagrid Spider swarm has been compromised by the Moon Presence, since it's comprised largely of female spiders. Aragog lost control of them. I'm currently soaked in Aragog's Mommy Pheremones. I need to come into contact with Spider Hagrid in order to regain control over them."

"Can we trust Aragog though, Hagrid?" asked Crabbe srsly. "I mean, how do we know that Aragog herself isn't being controlled by the Moon?"

Hagrid nodded. "Aragog herself is a competing Presence very much like the Moon Presence. Very much like the Ravenclaw family."

Woaw that makes perfect sense," said Crabbe, and everyone agreed that it made sense.

"And that's why Cho can resist the Moon Presence, but isn't COMPLETELY immune. She belongs to Ravenclaw house but is not herself of the Ravenclaw line," deduced Crabbe.

"So true, king," said Hagrid, nodding sagely.

Cho was done hugging Hagrid. "Hagrid, Harry and Draco are in trouble! Professor Snape went to go help them!"

"I know Cho, I'm gonna get going after them now," said Hagrid.

Crabbe was dying to get a piece of the action though. "Hagrid, I'd die to protect Cho, but I feel bad just staying here with nothing going on."

"Bored eh, Vincent?" laughed Voldemort. "Then how about I teach you some ADVANCED MAGIC while we wait for the others to return?"

Wow what a smart and good use of time. Good thinking, Voldemort. It's important to keep an eye on Cho and protect her and her child, but you might as well multi-task, right? Voldemort is so smart, i love him.

Meanwhile, Hagrid was riding a semi-giant spider mount, who was male and therefore INVULNERABLE to the Moon Presence.

"Hold on, Professor," growled 'Ahgrid, "i'm COMING!"

Meanwhile still, Naked Snape and Ronald the Brave were traveling through the dark tunnel. Ronald was playing with his sword and Snape was playing Blue Archive on his phone.

"Yes," he said. "I just recruited Shiroko!"

"I prefer Arknights, professor!" panted Goyle, catching up to them.

"Goyle!" said Ron in disbelief.

"I think it has a better story and more interesting gameplay, but I prefer Archive's girls," said Naked Snape. "Why have you come, Goyle? You're supposed to be protecting Cho Chang."

"Crabbe and Lord Voldemort are with her," said Goyle.

"Okay."

They continued down the tunnel to find Harriet and Draca waiting for them, grinning ear to ear.

Ron's Evolution

Naked Snape was upon them in an instant.

A master of CQC, Naked Snape would have beaten Harry or Draco soundly as fellow men. But Harriet and Draca being women allowed Naked Snape to perform a "Man Fighting Women in MMA" kind of beating that should simply not be legal.

It's already absurd to allow men to compete against women in typical sports, but COMBAT sports? LMAO it's like we've living in some kind of comedy. Naked Snape took good advantage of the objective physical reality of sex, and in mere seconds, Harriet and Draca were KO'd stiff on the ground.

Ronald Weaserly rushed ahead screaming "Rei! Rei!" like a total nerd, but he found her! There she was in her Ravenclaw hoodie, the love of his life, bound to the wall in obvious preparation for sacrifice.

"R-Rei, these chains, I--" Ron tugged on the chains desperately, but for all his heart he was still a scrawny little beta boi. To be fair to him, no normal man can break chains apart with his bare hands LOLL, but it's important to remember that Ron is, in fact, a LITTLE. BETA. BOI.

Nevertheless, Rei was glad to see him! She looked up with tears in her beautiful... what color did I make her eyes again? 1 sec... ok, I don't think I specificed a color. Uh, blue, she has blue eyes, becauselmao of course she does, she is OF RAVENCLAW BLOOD.

"Ron!" she cried. "I-- I--..." she didn't know what to say. Her heart was so full, she just started crying. And because Ron looked so stupid and funny trying to pull the metal chains apart with his hands, her sobs of relief were mixed with laughter. A real quality cry.

"Stand aside, Weasley," said Naked Snape, who'd just concealed a quick snort of laughter at Ron as well. Snape cast "Aloh... Alohmora!" or whatever, and the LOCK which kept the chains in place crashed down to the floor, reileasing Rei!

Before it touched the ground, Rei had wrapped her arms around Ron and buried her face in his chest. "Ron, promise me you'll never leave me again..."

Ron, little shrimpy weakling dork Ron, with no hesitation, held her tight and said "I promise",

And in that moment, the spider swarm known as Naked Hagrid formed behind him and stabbed him in the back with its umbrella.

"RONAAAAALD!" roared Naked Snape, casting Exxxxpelliarmus!(imagine the voice from the movies, you remember. such a good actor, RIP). Naked Snape didn't even realize he'd called Ron by his first name, which obviously means he cares about him. The umbrella flew from Naked Hagrid's hand, forming a cloud of spiders that attacked Naked Snape!

Ron fell forward into Rei, who hadn't even yet processed what was happening.

"R-ron, what..." then she saw the blood dripping from his mouth, and knew he was injured.

"Ron!" she cried, but he still held her tight.

"Rei..." he whispered. "I promised you, didn't I?"

He kissed her quivering lips. Apple flavored? He couldn't really tell, his thoughts were going red.

"Hold on to me tight," he said, and he turned around to face Naked Hagrid, who was grinning and dancing in triumph at him.

Holding tight to his back, Rei saw Ronald's wound, and let out a cry. Ron grimaced.

"I'm sorry for scaring you, Rei. Just hold on a bit longer. Don't... let... me..."

Naked Snape knew what was going down, and took cover in a nearby cardboard box. He dragged Draca and Harriet inside to protect them as well.

"GOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ronald rawred, and light flooded from his eyes, from his mouth, from his entire body. A burning light that swept Naked Hagrid off his feet and as he tried to dissipate into a spider cloud, each one of them was set ablaze. Desperately, Naked Hagrid reformed, eating the worst possible sunburn imaginable. He fled back down the tunnel as fast as his giant legs could carry him.

And who else would he stumple lmfao stumble into, but the TRUE HAGRID? Hagrid's spider-mount swallowed Naked Hagrid whole, ABSORBING the female spiders into its own male-dominate mass. Finally, Aragog's daughters could be brought back under her control.

Ron Weaskely fell to his knees, Rei still clutching at his back. "I'm done..." he gasped.

Ron fell over. Before Rei could start crying, Naked Snape yelled at her. "HE'S FINE."

He pulled Harriet and Draca out from his tactical cardboard box. "It's these two I'm more concerned about."

"Professor!" said Hagrid, riding up on his even-larger spider. "What was all that light?"

Naked Snape looked down at the Wease.

"All this time I've been underestimating him," said the Potions Master. "Through the POWER OF LOVE, Mr. Weasley has awakened his true power."

Rei was a very modest girl, but she was secretly pretty pleased with herself for being the catalyst that would turn Ron Weasely into a force to be reckoned with. She ran her fingers through the KO'd ginger's firey mane.

Ronald the Brave's TRVE power had been awakened! But wHAT does this even MEAN?

All will be revealed.

Children of the Sun

Goyle caught up with the gang at that moment.

"Guys, I'm here!" he said. "How can I help?"

"Goyle, go back to Crabbe, we don't need any help," siad Professor Snape.

Crestfallen, Goyle turned around and began walking back out the tunnel.

"FASTER, Goyle, Miss Chang must be protected!"

Goyle picked up the pace.

Naked Snape kneeled over Ron Weasley and put his hands upon him.

"Professor," Rei sniffled. "He saved us. My Ron..."

Naked Snape didn't want to steal any of Ron's glory by letting Rei know that *he* was never in any danger, so he just said "Indeed."

Harriet and Draca began to stir. Naked Snape assumed a defensive position.

"Get behind me, Miss Ravenclaw."

But Rei wouldn't be parted from Ron. Snape let out a sigh and quickly dragged Ron behind him as well.

Draca was the first to her feet.

"GIVE US THE GINGER," she hissed. "WE MUST TURN HIM INTO A BLACK WOMAN."

lmao yeah, this is right. This is what I'm going to write.

Naked Snape looked at her with disgust. "I will not," he said. "He has a right to exist."

"NOOO!" growled Harriet angrily. "The Children of the Sun will ALL be destroyed. YES, we WILL replace you!"

Naked Snape stood his ground, drawing from his robe his 3D-printed magical Assault-style, Military-style, "There's No Reason For Civilians To Have This"-style, "You Don't Need That To Hunt"-style wand.

Harriet and Draca recoiled, because the wand was painted black. Even though black was their favorite color, when it came to wands, it was horrifying because it made them extra-tactical and extra-military style. Shit, it even had a pistol grip.

"I will not let you harm this boi," Naked Snape said calmly. "Furthermore, cope and seethe at the fact that he's probably going to end up reproducing with a daughter of Ravenclaw blood."

At the idea of People Who Look Like Ron Weasley not being erased from existence, Harriet and Draca started going batshit insane, screaming like they were upper-middle class college students at a protest in honor of a violent psychopathic crocodile-eyed criminal who accidentally died in police custody while resisting arrest for all his crimes. A lot of eff this, eff that, you effing eff reactionary pissbaby goo goo ga ga fascist poopy nazi kkk no justice no peace.

As they were having their tantrum, Hagrid-- the true Hagrid of course-- snuck up behind them and bonked their heads together.

"That'll buy us ah moment 'o peace, Professor!" he said. His spider mount wrapped the two up in webbing like a well-packaged eBay item from a 99.9% positive-rating seller.

Snape put away his wand. "Thank you, Rubeus. I only wish we knew how to cure themlmao I mean you know, turn them back into lads."

Hagrid rubbed his chin and thought about the problem. "Maybe Professor uh... whatsherface, in Herbology will 'ave something!"

Snape sighed. "Rubeus, I'm the POTIONS MASTER, if you think that brainlet mandrake-fetishizing hag is going to come up with a cure that *I'm* unaware of, go right ahead and find her.

Snape picked up Ron and fireman carried him. "In the meantime, I've got to get Mr. Weasley to safety."

"FURTHER into the tunnel, Professor?" questioned Hagrid. "Why not bring him back to base camp with Lord Voldemort and company?"

"We can't put all our eggs in one basket, Rubeus," said Naked Snape. "Miss Chang's baby may very well be the Child of Legend, but we now know that Ron is *also* a Child of the Sun. He possesses the power to battle against the Moon Presence. I'm taking him hunting. He'll find safety in getting used to his new strength.

Rei was still refusing to let go of Ron.

"Miss Ravenclaw, are you still refusing to let go of Mr. Weasley?" asked Naked Snape, annoyed.

She nodded defiantly, DARING Snape to try to pry her away from her love.

Miss-- lmao this is about to become Underworld Evolution.

Rei Ravenclaw had a SECRET that not even Naked Snape could sense. She actually WAS part Korean! She was indeed a member of the Ravenclaw family but her REAL NAME was ... Rei Jeong! And if she mated with Ronald Weasley, who the Whitest creature alive, and *already* a Child of the Sun, an EVEN MOAR POWERFUL Child of the Sun could be made... the ULTIMATE Happamage?

"It's exciting," said Lord Voldemort, contemplating this. "But I believe that even if he's less-powerful, Cho's child will be more naturally-gifted. I must also consider whether or not gingers are truly "white"... Ronald wil i cant believe im writing this...

"Yes, yes, although this news about Ronald is wonderful, I believe Cho's child is still out greatest hope. He will be the one true king of the Wizarding World, surely. The one I've looked forward to for so long... to meeting again... the one I made an Oath with, all those years ago in the Peach Garden..."

Voldemort finished his cigarette and approached Crabbe. "Are you ready to try again, Crabbe?"

Crabbe was still drenched in sweat. The spell Voldemort had been teaching him... it was hard to believe it even existed... but he'd seen Voldemort perform it with his own eyes. Power beyond power, limited only by imagination. Could a mere mortal like Crabbe REALLY learn such a spell? "HOW am I supposed to do this..." Crabbe panted.

"Hey guys, I'm back. Professor Snape said he didn't need me," said Goyle, jogging up. He was happy to help however he could, but he was tired from running back and forth. Cho Chang threw him a Pocari Sweat.

Voldemort smiled. "Crabbe," he rasped." I believe the answer to your question has arrived. Now prepare yourself!"

Children of the Moon

Naked Snape and Unconscious Ron and Rei Jeong continued down the tunnel. my head hurts so bad it's emotionally devastating, if i wasnt a man i'd be crying.

"When is Ron going to wake up?" asked Rei.

"Rei, please," said Naked Snape, lighting the way with his Lumos spell.

The trio were in for a looooooong hike, so Ron had plenty of time to wake up. HP Longbottom had created a network of tentacle-shaped tunnels underneath the school. But all roads lead to a central chamber. They knew this, of course, because some Ravenclaw nerds had used sonic uh... radar or whatever to map the tunnels, like they did in Gears of War, or like that hoax story in Canada about some church having "mass graves" of murdered Indians, and everyone just automatically believed it even though there was no evidence, because Canadians are really intelligent and not prone to hysteria.

Unlike the Canadian mass graves hoax though, this was the REAL deal, closer to the Gears of War scenario-- the star child tunnels were mapped, 100%, and Naked Snape knew where they were going.

Ron's clammy pale ginger skin glowed as if his blood was fire, and he emitted a warmth which comforted Rei. It did NOT comfort Naked Snape however. Ronald's power was only harmless to Rei because of his love for her. Even though Naked Snape was an ally, it was still burning him to carry Ron. But he would continue to carry him. They had to get to the core of the tunnels, they didn't have TIME to wait.

Unfortunately for Naked Snape though, the radiation from Ronald began to cause him to age rapidly, and after a few hours of walking, Snape had to pause.

"P-professor..." gasped Rei.

Naked Snape had become Old Snape.

What does this mean? Well, quite simply, Old Snape's bones were achy as hell. But because he was such a talented wizard, hes able to augment his physical capabilities, to an extent, with magic. He did so then, releasing magic into his veins, causing his muscles to pump up. This wasn't half as powerful as the Sun magic utilized by Ron, but it was more than enough to get Snape by.

And what a coincidence, he'd need it RIGHT NOW.

"Sssssstop, humaaaaaaan," said a spooky voice from the shadows. It was Naked Lupin.

"Reemus," sighed Old Snape. "Look what they've done to you..."

"Ah, Severus! I didn't recognize you for a moment, you look like Old Snake from the criminally underrated Metal Gear Solid 4!... What they've done to me?!" laughed Naked Lupin. "I've never felt BETTER, Severus!"

He started dancing like a ballerina to prove it.

Old Snape coughed and had to place Ron down. "Rei, protecc Ron. It's time for me to see if I've still got it..."

He took out a Gerber tanto knife and charged at Lupin, who met him with equal speed and started whipping tentacles out of his hands.

Old Snape dodged and cut at the tentacles as they flipped and flopped all over the place, but it was obvious that he couldn't close the distance.

One of the tentacles managed to THWACK him across the face, sending him sprawling.

"Professor!" cried Rei, and for the first time all day, she let go of Ron and took out her wand.

"Confringo!" she cried. But Confrigo was not a Ravenclaw kinda spell. No, Rei just wasn't built like that.

The blasting curse flew from her wand, but Naked Lupin barely was pushed back. He turned his attention from Old Snape to Rei and GLOWERED.

"Ahh, Miss Jeong. Oh yes, that's right. You think I don't know about YOUR FATHER?" he growled. He began sprinting at her full-speed ahead.

"YOUR STUPID BULLY FAAAAATHERRRRRRRR!!!"

MEANWHILE,

Hagrid was looking for Professor Whatsherface, the Herbology Professor. When suddenly, Draca and Harriette or however ive been spelling it BROKE FREE from their web-bonds!

"Bwah!" cried Hagrid, spooked off his spider mount.

Draca and Hariette... i cant do this shit Draca and Harriet nothing ever lasts for ever every body wants to rule the wooooorld

"What's going on?" gasped Naked Hagrid. "Why am I hearing music?"

"Ha... Hagrid..." moaned Hariette. "I'm still in here. I... I've opened a time-portal with my Time Turner... G-go... s-stop Goyle from killing Hermione... she... has... the cure... to... Womanism..."

Hagrid trusted Young Potter with all his heart and so leapt from the spider into the darkness where he heard... music playing...

To Hagrid's great surprise, he saw HP Longbottom there, singing in a karaoke bar! Hermione was still alive!

In walked Goyle though! Hagrid knew what he had to do, and he clocked Goyle in the face before he could kill Hermione.

"Wha- Hagrid, whence didth you come from?" demanded HP Longbottom.

Hagrid grabbed Neville's head in his giant hand and crushed his skull like an overripe pumpkin. He knew it didn't matter, he just wanted to do it.

Before Hermione could react, Hagrid grabbed her and as she began she could scream annoyingly, Hagrid had muffled her big fat stupid mouth with a handkerchief.

"Haaaagriddd..." moaned Harriet, "Hurryyyyy... I can't... hold it..."

Hagrid rushed back to the sound of Miss Potter's voice and deposited Hermione on the ground.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, HAGRID? YOU'VE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ME!" screamed Hermione. "I HAVE INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA FROM WHEN MY MOTHER WAS TOUCHED BY MY FATHER."

Hagrid nodded with much understanding, and grabbed a nearby rock and clobbered her over the head with it, knocking her out.

"Now what, 'Arry, now what?" he asked anxiously.

Harriet w... i cannot spell this consistently... ok... Harriet was clutching her stomach in pain. Because lmao she was having period cramps, because she was literally a woman now.

JK Rowling appeared and nodded approvingly. "Only now do you understand," she said.

But Draca had also awakened, and since he was a Slytherin instead of a Gryfindor, he was more susceptible to the more Chaotic vibrations of the Moon. "NO," she hissed. "NOT ALL WOMEN MENSTRUATE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. EVER HEAR OF MEDICAL CONDITIONS?"

JK Rowling looked at her sadly. "Oh Draco," she sighed, a single tear falling from her eye. Even as you stand there and literally bleed, you still defend Manhood?"

"WE ARE NOT -- how the hell am i going to do this, ive written myself into a corner...

Suddenly, Hagrid's SPOIDER MOUNT lunged at JK Rowling, hissing--no, SCREAMING--GREAAAEEEAAAHHH!!! SHE'S RIGHT!!!!! WOMEN ARE NOT DEFINED BY THEIR FRONT HOLES BLEEDING!!!!"

this is getting gross im sorry, it'll be over soon.

JK dodged gracefully, and cast Incendio on the giant spider, lighting him up like a pachinko parlor in Akihabara. "Hagrid, be careful!" she said. Aragog can't be trusted, he's a MALE!"

"W-what?!" gasped Hagrid, rubbing his head. "Y-yeah, 'o course ah knew that, but uh... well, he told me he was a woman now."

"He will NEVER be a woman, Hagrid!" roared JK, now parrying an entire cloud of seething spiders. "He TRICKED you! You thought that Aragog was a power on par with the Moon Presence, but all this time, he'd been under the CONTROL of the Moon as well! Agagog is a Moon Child!!!"

"Ohhhh!" said Hagrid, bonking himself on the forehead like "gosh, im so stupid!" "Well, what do we do now?!"

"HAGRID!" cried Harriet, tears flooding from her eyes as she struggled to control her Womanhood. "I'm almost lmao i can-- i ... I've almost fully lost my mind, YOU HAVE TO WAKE UP HERMIONE, No matter how annoying she is! She'll know how to change me back! Also... JK's helping us right now, but ... don't trust her... she's... still a... feminist... ackk...."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Draca Malfoya. "YOU WILL NOT CHANGE US BACK! NOT THAT IT MATTERS, BECAUSE WE'D STILL BE EQUALLY-AS VALID OF WOMEN, BUT I'M STILL JUST NOT GOING TO LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!" Draca lunged at the KO'd Hermione with a dagger. JK Rowling was too preoccupied with the spoiders to save Hermione.

The most difficult decision of poor old Hagrid's life needed to be made FAST. Would he be an Ally to Women? Or an Ally to Women?

Meanwhile, Rei Jeong was running away from Naked Lupis, who believed for some reason that Rei's father had bullied him when they were kids, even though they didn't even go to the same school. "Professor!" she cried, "You're having a false memory! It's probably caused by Intergenerational Trauma!

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" shrieked Naked Lupin, "NONE OF IT MATTERS, CAN'T YOU SEE?!" He punched the ceiling, and BEHOLD, the Moon was staring down at them like Majora's Mask.

"JUST LOOK ABOVE YOU!" Lupin laughed miserably. "If it's something that can be stopped, then just TRY to stop it!" Lupin began to absorb the Moon Energy and started transforming into a wolf!

And at that moment, appearing from a time-portal behind Lupin, was Hermione with a dagger. "You Will Never Be a Werewolf," she hissed, and she slit Lupin's throat.

Children of the Stars

As they began kickboxing the Invincible Bogart Voldemort had summoned, Crabbe and Goyle started singing Shall Never Surrender by Jason "Shyboy" Arnold from Devil May Cry 4.

"They will see, we'll fight until eternity!" cried Crabbe.

"Come with me, we'll stand and fight together!" roared Goyle.

"Through our strength, we'll make a better day tomorrow!" they sang out in unison.

"We. Shall never surrenderrrrr!"

Lord Voldemort was dancing and cheering from the sidelines. He was so proud of his young pupils for all their hard work in learning his unstoppable Secret Slytherin House Magic that no-one but he knew.

My keyboard just died on me, and I'm using a spare. It's very uncomfortable, which was one of the requirements to learning Voldemort's Great Magic: being uncomfortable and miserable, and powering through it anyway. 1 sec, lemme find a replacement on Amazon real quick...

That took way too long.

Crabbe and Goyle were facing off against their greatest fears, using nothing but their fists, feet, elbows, and knees. For c-- this keyboard is driving me insane, I'm actually ... I

For Crabbe, the Bogart took the form of a man made out of Fiendfyre, the very curse that had almost killed him in the Room of Requirement. The one that Voldemort himself had saved Crabbe from...

For Goyle, the Bogart took the form of a beautiful woman, because Goyle was a shy introvert who was scared of women. And that's why he had to beat the shit out of one right now!

But the Bogart wasn't giving up. Voldemort had told them, he'd WARNED them.

"My boys," he'd rasped. "I am not exaggerating when I tell you will NOT be able to defeat this Bogart... nevertheless... you must try."

Voldemort had summoned the Bogart-- am i spelling this right... fucking of course not

Voldemort had summoned the BOGGART right then and there! He rasped at the boys, "Defend yourselves, lads!" while simultaneously Accioing their wands from their hands! They knew that meant Voldemort expected them to use nothing but their own bodies. They threw off their house robes and got to work, finding their range ad keeping the Boggart at bay with some leg kicks that would make Joe Rogan faint!

But just like in real life, leg kicks weren't enough to win this fight, and the Fiendfyre-woman, with seemingly no effort, walke down Crabbe and Goyle, delivering nasty front kicks and hooks to their bodies, all the while scaring the crap out of them.

"You'll never get a girlfriend like meeee," she hissed at Goyle. His face flushed red, and then redder as she gave him a nasty jab straight into his nose.

"Voldemort can't save you from me this time, Craaaaabe!" he ROARED at the Slytherin, burning him with both his words, and a flush kick to the side.

"Voldemort," Cho cried. "They're dying!"

"No," rasped Voldemort proudly. "This is the most alive they've everr been!"

Meanwhile, Hagrid, finally having learned what a woman was, decided to temporarily help JK Rowling fend off the spoiders.

Harriet Potter, sensing that he was losing his mind to womanhood, had smashed his head against the wall to render ximself unconscious with the hope that Hermione would arrive in time to uh... fix everything.

But Draca Malfoy had run away, further into the tunnel, toward Old Snape's team. What was she planning?

I'll tell you what Naked Lupin WASN'T planning. He wasn't planning on having his throat slit by Hermione Granger, who stood over his naked corpse triumphantly.

"Miss Granger," said Old Snape. "Not a moment too soon."

Hermione was wearing a tinfoil hat to keep the Moon Presence out of her woman brain. "Professor, I have t--"

But THEN? Whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt0-- my shitty fucking backup keyboard just held down the t button. Isn't that really cute?

You know what's not cute? The swarm of incomprehensible star-spawn which came hopping down from the hole in the ceiling.

"Weeee areeeee the offspringgg of HP Longbottommmmm" they hissed smugly.

"You're disgusting!" cried Hermione, gagging and running behind Old Snape.

Old Snape knew that his time had come. He had to sacrifice himself, so that Ronald Weaserly might live.

He prepared to cast his ultimate Expelliarmus spell, winding up and uh... im thristy. my head is killing m.... I found a different spare keyboard. This one's not fantastic either, but at least it's not going to hold down keys at me. I guess that's the future I have to look forward to. No flying cars, but keyboards that die in a single fucking year.

Anyway, Snape brought the entire cave down. cya next time.

"PROFESSOR!" cried Hermione and Rei as he disappeared with the star children under the falling rocks.

"Don't move," hissed Draca Malfoy from behind them.

Hismione and Crag

Hermione and Rei spun around in surprise to see Draca Malfoy aiming a VK-12 combat shotgun from the video game F.E.A.R. at them. Modeled after the real-life Franchi SPAS-12, the VK-12 was even more terrifying because it could hold 12 rounds instead of 8. Draca Malfoy knew how crucial those extra 4 rounds could be in a life-or-death daily carry emergency violence situation, so she had paid a visit to the Franchi firearms manufacturer during her last visit to the Italian Hogwarts campus.

Yes, for Italian Hogwarts students, visiting Franchi was like British students visiting Hogsmeade. Draco--of course still male at the time--had been traveling all around Europe to satisfy his wanderlust(pronunced vunderlustch) and had spent a semester at Pastawarts. During one of the class trips to the gun factory, Draco had managed to convince the gunsmiths to whip up a batch of VK-12's because they were also big fans of F.E.A.R. like he was. And so not only were these combat shotguns forged, but so were a few friendships that would last a lifetime. If the Italian gunsmiths could see Draco now, they'd be so happy that she was using the weapon of their friendship.

"Draco!" cried Hermione. "Don't do it! Deep down, you're still a man, and you know it's wrong to hurt women because you're of the aristrocracy!"

"That may be true," granted Draca. "It might be more of a mudblood act to gun down 2 girls with a shotgun from a video game. So I'll tell you what..."

Draca Malfoy flung her VK-12 against the wall, OBLITERATING it!

"FIGHT ME THEN, 'ERMIONE! WOMAN ON WOMAN!"

Rei Jeong immediately fell asleep at the prospect of watching a women's MMA match. She continued to hold on to Ronald Weasssely.

But was it really a women's MMA match?

Hermione began laughing. And her laugh grew deeper and deeper.

Draca looked on in fear as Hermione grew an Adam's apple, and her shoulder grew wider, her hips more narrow, her hands increased in size, her jaw and chin grew larger and more jagged, her forehead grew, her nose grew, her breast fat disappeared, she grew several inches in height, all of her muscles increased in size, she burst out her clothes like the Incredible Hulk.

Hermione had become a man!

Hismione Manger was an all-natty beast, built like Dricus Du Plessis the UFC middleweight champion. He flexed his muscles and started shouting at Draca Malfoya in Afrikaans!

"Jou dom teef, ek gaan jou wys hoe dit in suid-Afrika is, Die Boer sterf nooit maar dom kak soos jy doen nie!!!!"

Draca barely had enough time to slip on her 3 ounce mma gloves before Hismione was upon her!

Women are sometimes depicted in fiction as having greater leg strength or dexterity than men: Men have strong arms, women have strong legs. Unfortunately for Draca, this was of course, not at all reality.

Without a hint of a telegraph, Hismione leg-kicked Draca so hard she collapsed onto the ground. She raised her legs in defense, but Hismione motioned for her to get back up to her feet. Voldemort who had arrived in time with his referee shirt, commanded Draca to do so.

Draca stood back up. For fun, Hismione wound up his kick this time, allowing Draca to attempt to check it. She did so, unwittingly taking Hismione's bait.

Draca never saw the left hook coming. It connected so perfectly with Draca's chin that Voldemort forgot his referee position and started freaking, and he grabbed hold on Daniel Cormier for support.

"OHHHHHHHHH!!!" he rasped.

When Rei woke up, she was alone with the still-sleeping Ron. Or was she?

For emerging from the rubble of the cave in was none other than Old Snape.

"Miss Jeong, are you all right?"

"Professor!" she cried, hugging him. "It was horrible! I dreamt that Hermione had become a South African mma fighter."

"It was no dream," said Old Snape, brushing some starstuff slime from himself. "Hermione has taken her emergency Polyjuice potion."

"She saved us from Draco!"

"That may be so, but because her spirit is still that of a woman's, she's susceptible to the MOON PRESENCE. And if she's now an mma fighter, she's too big of a threat to ignore."

Suddenly, Voldemort walked up. "heyy," he rasped.

"Hi Voldemort," Rei said cutely. "How are Crabbe and Goyle?"

Voldemort smiled broadly. "I don't know, why don't you ask them?"

He turned and motioned down the tunnel, and Crabbe and Goyle stomped toward them. They had attained the next stage in human wizarding evolution, and become Super Slytherins. They were both 7 feet tall, roughly 330lbs, and were carrying Zweihanders.

"We are CRAG," they said in unison, and they morphed together into a single man. His hair... was down to his feet, and he had lots of chains on his pants. he was shirtless and lmao idk, he had a tattoo of a dragon from his chest to his back. His back muscles could be seen from his front, they erupted past his shoulders like wings. Also he had one angel wing. Also he had shackles with broken chains on his wrists and feet.

"Crag?" asked Rei.

"Togther, Crabbe and Goyle, the best friends in the Wizarding World, conquered their fear of fire and women, and are now capable of uniting into Crag, increasing their Wizarding power by more than double what they'd be alone. They're now strong enough to tank Prime Dumbledore's most powerful spells."

"But can they tank MEEEEE!!!" screamed Panglingi, jumping down from the ceiling onto Crag.

We'll soon see!

Ronald RISE

Meanwhile, JK Rowling was pointing a Beretta ARX 160 with a thermal scope and grenade launcher at Neil Gaiman.

"Show yourself, predator," she commanded.

Neil Gaiman snarled at her and decloaked. He knew there was no point in hiding from her thermal scope.

"i came here because i smelled blood," he growled, leaping down. "WHERE IS IT?"

"Right here, Gaiman," Rowling mocked, and she did the Triple H crotch chop taunt.

The last thought of Predator Neil Gaiman's misogynistic life was the horrible realization that women menstruate. He had fallen for Rowling's trap. The predator had become the prey.

JK launched a 40mm grenade directly into Neil Gaiman and his creepy alien body exploded in sand and blood.

JK Rowling smirked.

Meanwhile meanwhile, Crag was beating the living shit out of Pangelingi.

He'd effortlessly reversed her takedown attempt, and ended up in side control. He was raining blows down on her with one giant lunchbox fist, preventing her from escaping with his other arm.

"Pangelingi, do somethin! Ya gotta do somethin!" Referee Voldemort warned her. But all Pangelingi could do was cover up her head.

Tom's gonna stop the fight, Old Snape thought to himself. Crag would remain undefeated.

Old Snape would have been right, were it not for the interference of none-other than HP LONGBOTTOM!

"Unhand her, incel!" he shrieked, barreling down the tunnel, tentacles whipping in a frenzy.

"Professor!" cried Rei, "We have to protect Ron!"

"No..." said Ron Weaselly, his eyelids flashing open. His pupils were flaming like a ginger inferno. "This time... I protect you."

Otherworld from Final Fantasy X started playing.

Ron Weasely met HP Longbottom's tentacles with his bare fists, burning them as if his hands were fire. Longbottom hissed and spat, taking out his wand. He brought the entire MOON down on Ron right then and there!

Ron held up his arms, keeping the Moon from crashing down. "GET OUT OF HEREEEEEEE" he yelled.

Before Rei could protest, Crag had scooped her up why does my throat hurt great-- Crag scooped her up, and Voldemort cast iceskates on everyone and iceyo and they all started skating away as Ron Weasely held up the Moon. It was pushing him down into the earth! He couldn't hold it for much longer.! Blood started pouring from Ron's mouth and eyes but he didn't give up, even as HP Longbottom jumped up and down on the Moon like an asshole on a trampoline to try to push it into him

"Rei... I'm... sorry..." Ron whispered.

RON, GET DOOOOOWN!" roared Harry Potter, and he sliced the Moon in half with the Sword of Griffindor!!!

"wHAT!? NOOOOOO!!!" SCREAMED HP Longbottom, trying to fly away, but Ron had already leaped into the air and grabbed him from behind.

"You're not going anywhere, Neville," he growled, and he flipped them both upside-down and prepared to slam back down into the earth.

Will Ron survive?!

Ronald FALL

Otherworld was still playing as Ron and HP Longbottom fell back down to the Earth.

DONT. YOU. GIIIVE UP RONALD. YOU BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU.

HP Longbottom was squirming and shrieking and crying and calling Ron an incel as loud as he could, but he couldn't break the ginger's vice grip. Ron was going to planetary suplex him!

Beneath them, the two halves of the Moon that Harry Potter had sliced with the Sword of Gryffindor (which Harry had reforged into a katana) were being held up by Crabbe and Goyle, who had unfused out of their Crag form to split up! Teamwork!

Harry had landed with the grace of a ballerina after cutting the Moon. He'd hoped his great feat would bring peace to all the women in the world, who'd been suffering so terribly under its influence. But such wishful thinking was dangerous in the Wizarding World, and the Moon Presence had already begun gushing out from the two halves of the Moon to reconnect it!

"Darnit!" rasped Voldemort, still leading the JK-Fighters in an ice skate to relative safety. "Her healing factor is off the charts!"

" >Her " noted JK Rowling, skating along with them. "Tom, when I created you, I made you to be a great problem solver. I know that if anyone can come up with a final solution to this Moon question, it's you!"

Voldermort's heart swelled with pride. "I won't let you down... mom :) "

JK Rowling smiled back at him and nodded. "I have to go now, Tom. I have my other children in the Muggle world to take care of."

"I won't let you down, mom!"

"You already said that, Tom. Goodbye now."

JK Rowling disappeared, and Voldemort knew it was time to get his head in the game. They had to stop the Moon Presence from intercepting Ron's suplex!

"Craaaabbe! Goooooyle!" rasped Voldemort. "Pull the pieces of the Moon away from each other!"

With all their strength, Crabbe and Goyle each ran with their parts of the Moon, stretching the Moon Presence like evil bubblegum.

It'd at least stop it from attacking Ron... but now Ron might land on it anyway if he wasn't careful!!!!

"Be careful, Ron!" cried Rei.

"Crabbe! Goyle! Keeeeeep pulling, boys! Maybe we can snap the Moon Presence in twoooooo!" rasped Voldemort.

Meanwhile, all of the excitement was oh no ok-- Cho Chang was going to give birth to her and Harry's child!"

"NOOOOOO!!!" screamed HP Longbottom, flipping his shit. "HAVING BABIES IS BAD FOR THE CLIMATE!!!!!!!!" He started shrieking his absolute lungs out at this totally unfair dogpile of far-right extremism that was happening to him.

"Neville!" cried Hermione. "Hold on!"

WAHT? Hermione STILL LOVED NEVILLE!!! Or at least wanted to continue dominating him in a "partnership". And so she used her Time Turner to STOP CRABBE AND GOYLE SUCCESSFULLY CATCHING THE MOON, ALLOWING the Moon Presence to reform itself! Where the pair were now, only Hermione knew!

"Noooooooo you stupid bitch!" roared Hagrid, pushing her against the wall.

"HELP!" Hermione cried. "He hurled a gendered insult at my person!"

The UK Police immediately rushed to the scene of the crime and tackled Hagrid.

"Oi, ur goin away fer a long time i reckon," one of them spat in his ear.

Voldemort could barely keep up with this new chain of events. Old Snape put his hand on his shoulder as they continued ice skating.

"It's OK, Tom. Don't worry. Once Mr. Weasley touches grass, we'll regroup."

Rei looked up at Ron, still descending to the ground like shooting star. "Ron... please be okay..." she whispered.

Meeeeeanwhile, Harry had managed to evade the police, who had a warrant for his arrest for "hate speech", because Europe is a faggot shithole, and had brought Cho Chang back to the underwater Slythdam Base, where the Ravenclaw nerd doctors were assisting her.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MEEEEEE >:( " she yelled at Harry, breaking his hand with her grip.

"PUUUUUUSH!" instructed Doctor Nerd.

Everything was too surreal. But once Harry's hand was no-longer being crushed into pulp, he knew it was over.

Every last Witch and Wizard in the base was now BOWING before the new family. The Happamage had arrived.

And at that moment, HP Longbottom landed. Without Ron.

Chen Potter

When Hagrid had finished beating to death the UK police officers who attempted to arrest him for calling Hermione a bitch, he caught up with Voldemort and the gang, who had just arrived at the Slythdam Lake Base.

Rei had rushed in to congratulate Cho Chang on giving birth to the legendary Happamage. She didn't yet know that Ron was missing. Neither Voldemort nor Old Snape wanted to tell her what they'd seen...

Due to Hermione's stupidity, the Moon Presence had been able to reform the Moon, allowing it to block Ron Weasley's Planetary Suplex. What happened to Ron when he landed on the Moon was uncertain. All they knew was that HP Longbottom returned to Earth on his own and began slaughtering the Slytherin Stormtroopers.

"What about Crabbe? And Goyle?" asked Hagrid, concerned.

"Whatever that stupid whore Hermione did with them, only she knows. We haven't been able to capture her yet."

"I thought she was on our side!" growled Hagrid.

"Some of them are, Hagrid," rasped Voldemort. "Hermione has split herself into many Hermiones existing throughout time as her own Horcruxes."

"More like WHOREcruxes," said Draco Malfoy, entering the room.

"Draco!" cried Hagrid, hugging him. "You're not a girl anymore!"

"Yes, it seems when Granger beat the shit out of me, it caused my Pure Blood to go into emergency cope mode and destroy the Woman Virus inside me."

"Ooobviously," droned Old Snape, taking a seat. He was exhausted.

"Professor, are you okay?" asked Hagrid.

"He's dying... aren't you, Severus?" asked Voldemort with sadness.

Old Snape sighed. "It seems like all this action has finally started to take its toll on my body."

"We can save you, professor!" cried Malfoy. He looked toward Voldemort. "Can't we?"

Voldemort looked away. "Anything is possible in JK Rowling's Wizardingg World, Draco... but to reverse the aging process is a magic that not even I have mastered. There are... DARK magics that Muggles use..."

Snape shook his head. "Not a single baby boy's foreskin will be sacrificed on my behalf, Tom. I won't allow it." He rose to his feet slowly. "I won't go anywhere Draco. Not until my work here is done."

Snape took out a Morphine Potion hypo from his Soviet AI-2 medkit and stuck himself with a bit of the good stuff

Meanwhile Harry was a little annoyed that his son basically didn't look like him at all.

"He has your eyes," assured Cho.

"Mhm. Well, the color. I guess, I can barely see."

"Harry I'm fucking Chinese, I don't know what to tell you."

Despite Harry's moodiness, the newborn Potter was a good looking lad. He just needed a name now.

"I was thinking 'James Potter' after my father," said Harry.

"Chen Potter," said Cho Chang.

"CHEN?"

"It means the dawn Harry, isn't it lovely?"

Harry stormed out of the room and started screaming.

"I think Chen's a great name, " said Rei, hugging Cho and Chen. "He is the coming dawn that will end this terrible night we've been trapped in."

Chen Potter cooed happily.

But outside the base, HP Longbottom SEETHED. He could FEEL that a new child had entered the world. As a proud #ChildFree advocate of antinatalism, it was HP Longbottom's duty as a Good Person to END the madness of disgusting European and Asian breeders, who were ruining the world by being ignorant and bigoted. He slammed on the door of the Slytherin Lake Base with his giant tentacles.

"HEEEEEEEY!!!! OPEN UP!!!!!!! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING CLIMATE YOU FUCKING INCELSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!"

Old Snape grimaced. Even hopped up on morphine potion, he was in no condition to take on HP Longbottom. Voldemort grimaced. He knew that even the two of them combined likely didn't have a chance. Hagrid grimaced. If only Aragog weren't an autogynophiliac spider and would HELP them! Harry grimaced because the banging on the door was annoying.

"What's going on out there?" he asked.

"It's HP Longbottom, 'Arry! He wants to sacrifice your son to Moloch in order to save the climate from homophobia and end White Supremacy!"

That was exactly the kick in the rear old 'Arry needed to start caring about his son. He grabbed a passing Ravenclaw nerd.

"Get me a mech. Now."

Bigotranium

While Harry was getting suited up to pilot one of the Slythdams, HP Longbottom continued screaming and pounding at the door.

"LET ME IIIIIIN YOU FUCKING WOMAN-HATING PISSBABIES! THE GAPING MAWWW OF THE COSMOS WILL CONSUME YOU AND YOUR INSIGNIFICANT TINY DICKS!!!!"

"Will the door hold?" asked Hagrid.

A Ravenclaw Nerd smirked and pushed up his glasses. "It's made of bigotranium. It's one of the hardest substance known to Man."

"Bigotranium?" asked Malfoy, interested.

"Indeed! It was discovered in a meteorite. It's still a relatively new discovery, but it's changing how we deal with the unimaginable eldritch monstrosities. While most metals will eventually break under the weight of whiny libtard soyboy idiot marginalized bitching, bigotranium actually ABSORBS the energy and becomes STRONGER.

"That's incredible!" gasped Draco.

"Yeah lol, here's a dagger made of bigotranium. Think of it as a gift for all your family's done of the Wizarding Community!"

Draco smiled at him. "Thanks friend."

"Draco, stop talking to that femboy nerd and come over here," rasped Voldemort, spreading a map out on the command table.

"Our Slytherin Stormtroopers are holding their positions... here... and here..." said Old Snape, pointing at the Forbidden Forest and the Quidditch Field.

"You'd almost think the situation is contained," said Draco. "But HP Longbottom could kill every last one of them in minutes, if he wasn't focused on us."

"Thank God he is," rasped Voldemort.

"WHAT DID YOU SAAAAAAAYY!!!!" shrieked HP Longbottom. "I HAVE SEEN THE GODS, AND LET ME ASSURE YOU THEY DON'T GIVE A PISSBABY'S SHITTING POOP FUCK ABOUT HUMANITY!!! ALSO THEY'RE WOMEN OR NONBINARY!!!!! THEY--"

The Ravenclaw Femboy activated the noise-cancelling walls, which unfortunately caused HP Longbottom's boiling rage to bounce backwards and boil a school of grindylows alive. HP Longbottom didn't even notice them, he was too busy trying to bash the fash for the good of the planet, and continued pounding on the door and saying "FUCK!" as often and loudly as he could.

"Bigotranium is so incredible," Malfoy said dreamily.

"Yeah lol," said the Ravenclaw smiling at him.

Malfoy smiled back at him and started playing with his hair.

Old Snape exchanged a look with Hagrid and nodded.

Hagrid picked Malfoy up and carried him away.

"YOOOU GIANT PRICK WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

"You were a girl fer too long, Draco," said Hagrid. "We need to keep you on lockdown until yer really back to normal!"

Suddenly, Harry Potter walked out in his f--oh no, how do i want to do this... Harry came out in his form-fitting plugsuit and before Draco could even react, Hagrid chucked him into a broom closet for safe keeping.

"Harry!" rasped Voldemort. "You just need to distract Neville long enough for our agents to retrieve Hermione! Then we can torture her, horribly, until she gives up where she put Crabbe and Goyle! Don't feel like you need to defeat Neville all on your own my boy!"

Old Snape nodded and put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Don't forget, you have a son now. Don't... be the kind of father I was..."

Harry looked down. "You might not have been there for me... but you're here for me now, dad!"

Old Snape smiled and hugged Harry. Voldemort got in on it too.

The Ravenclaw Nerd started: "Don't be too worried, Harry, the Slythdam is made out of Bi--"

Old Snape karate-chopped him in the neck, rendering him unconscious. "Big metal, Harry, that's all. It's made of big metal."

"Why'd you knock him out though, dad?"

"I could tell he needed rest. I am a professor after all."

Harry nodded. "That makes sense. Well, wish me luck!" He skipped away to go battle HP Longbottom in his Slythdam.

Voldemort understood Snape. "You want to see if he'll fight recklessly or not. To see if he's really fighting for his family, or for himself. If he knows that his mech is virtually-immune to Neville's attacks, you won't be able to judge him properly."

Old Snape nodded. "I can't let him end up like me..."

Voldemort smiled and rasped. "Severus, if he were, the future would be very bright."

Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were trapped in Time. The power of their friendship had kept them together, despite Bitch Hermione's best efforts. But they were still hopelessly lost.

"We've got to get back to Hogwarts!" growled Goyle, slamming his fist against a time wall.

"Keep your head on, Goyle," said Crabbe. "We don't even know where we are..."

"Don't you?" asked a bitchy voice.

The two spun around in terror to see none-other than Hermione. Crabbe and Goyle recognized the feeling in the pits of their stomachs. She had obviously ABSORBED Pangelingi in her weakend state after Crag had clobbered her. Hermione was now reeking with magical energy. Her nen was off the charts. A menacing aura enveloped her like a tornado of toxic misandry. She wore a hideous grin from ear to ear.

"Hello, chuds," she snarled.

Magical Mecha

"All systems are green," said Ravenboi. "Harry, you are clear for take-off. Sure you know how to pilot that thing?"

Harry nodded. "I played Armored Core 2 for the Playstation 2. I think I know what I'm doing."

The Slythdam flew through the launch tube out of the lake and into the sky. Harry flipped upside-down in the air and dove right back in, severing HP Longbottom's tentacles. He shrieked in agony and called Harry transphobic.

"Neville, your reign of terror has gone on for TOO long," Harry growled, charging up the Slythdam's magical powercore with his own wand. HP Longbottom started powering up too, calling on not only the Moon Presence, but even MOTHER GAIA as well to bless him with as much Girl Power as his worthless male body could sustain! The future is fem!

"grrrrrHARRYYYY!!!" he screamed, slinging a big fat slippery slimery tentacle forward with all his might.

"NEVILLEEEEEE!" roared Harry, meeting him with his Slytham's fist. Shining Finger started playing. (Please play it on while reading the rest of this part) The Slythdam shined gold and its ventilation ports all opened up and boiled more grindylows around them.

"HAAARRYYYYYY!!!"

"NEVILLEEEEE!!!"

"IS THIS THE EXTENT OF YOUR MAGIC, HARRY? IF YOU INSIST ON DESTROYING THE PLANET THE[author's note: i just caught myself almost completely stealing Master Asia's story from G Gundam]

"NEVILLE, COSMIC HORROR IS GAY!" yelled Harry, uppercutting him. "STOP READING THOSE FAGGOTY SHORT STORIES AND GO TO CHURCH!"

"INCEL!" shrieked HP Longbottom, slamming his head back down and headbutting Harry. "THERE IS LITERALLY NO EVIDENCE FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GODS."

"YOU'RE WRONG NEVILLE--"

"DON'T DEADNAME ME, POTTERRR!!!" screamed Cosmicbottom.

"--AND I'LL PROVE IT WITH THESE TWO FISTS OF MINE!" Harry stabbed his wand DIRECTLY into the Slythdam's powercore like King Arthur's sword.

From the Slythdam base, everyone was watching in awe.

"What's happening to the Slythdam?" asked Malfoy, discreetly holding the Ravenclawboi's hand.

Ravenboi took his hand back and pushed his glasses up. "Heh. Harry's unlocking its true potential. The bugman energy from Longbottom that the Bigotranium absorbed, combined witht Harry's Elder Wand, has transformed it into the Shining Slythdam. Its become strong enough not just to survive blows from Moon Children, but to DESTROY THEM."

Cho Chang held up Chen to the window to watch his dad beating the living shit out of Neville. "That's your dad, Chen."

"Wooo!" he cried happily.

Voldemort's heart was racing. He dared to be excited for Harry, but it wasn't over yet, not by a long shot.

"HAAAAAAARRYYYYYYYYYY!!!" screamed HP Longbottom. "DO BETTERRRRRRRR!! YOU FUCKING DOOOOOOORK!!! PISSBABY MANBABY DORK SHITFUCK DOUCHENOZZLE!!!!!"

But Harry was just pounding the tar out of him, gracefully weaving through Longbottom's tentacles as if he were in the Matrix.

It was time. Harry released and crushed the case of holy water he'd packed in the Slythdam's hand.

"NEVILLE, THIS HAND OF MINE--"

HP Longbottom knew how this was going to go. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried. "HARRY DON'T, YOU DO REALIZE IT'S CALLED BEING A GOOD PERSON! YA'LL!!!"

Harry reached out to bless Neville's stupid forehead

! but who else would come warping out of nowhere, but Hermione Granger!

She nabbed him and the two disappeared just as quickly as she came.

You can stop playing the music now.

Harry's Slythdam stopped glowing and he relaxed. Longbottom had escaped... but they were all safe. For now.

"That fucking bitch!" roared Hagrid, slammingg his fist on the wall. "AGAIN! We've got to TAKE that little WHORE out once and for all! I'm SICK OF HER!"

Voldemort sighed. "We'll need a Time Turner of our own. I think I know where we can get one."

The Night of the Long Bottoms

When Hermione rescued HP Longbottom, she brought him back to her secret time-hideout.

"I'm back," Hermione said, princess-carrying an unconscious Longbottom into the bunker. Harry in his Slythdam had beaten him so brutally that HP Longbottom had shrunken down to Neville-size in order to heal.

"Took you long enough," sighed Delphi, Voldemort's cute daughter with blue and silver danger hair. Delphi was one of the most dangerous feminists in the Wizarding World, and had cancelled dozens of naive young wizards by seducing them, fucking them, dating them for a few months, and then announcing on social media that they had emotionally abused her and "had had sex with her when she didn't really want to", carefully not accusing them of rape in a legal sense, but doing juuust enough to get them fired from their jobs and ostracized from their circle of faggy liberal friends.

"Can you heal him, Delphi?" asked Hermione, placing the Longbottom on to the couch.

Suddenly HP rose and gasped. "DELPHI," he said. "I REQUIRE YOUR FEMALE ESSENCE. That CHUD Potter stole my FEM from me!"

Delphi recoiled. "Uh, no, sorry, I need it."

HP Longbottom glared at her. "Are you unaware of how much you've benefited from the bigotry of your father?"

"Yeah but--"

"As a trans-moonchild, I am ORDERING YOU to STOP talking, for once, and LISTEN to the lived experience of folk who were not privileged to be born a CIS-Witch in a CIS-Witch world. GIVE. ME. YOUR. FEMALE ESSENCE."

HP Longbottom held up xer chin and dramatically held forward his hands expectantly. They were still sticky from the tentacles that had been growing from them only minutes ago.

Delphi hesitated for a moment. She wanted to be a good ally to marginalized folks. And few were more marginalized than folks not of this Earth. But still... HP Longbottom was designated male at birth. Even if that meant nothing because trans-moonchildren are moonchildren, especially fem-moonchildren, the most precious and valid of all... it didn't feel right for her to give up her own identity to this... fat ugly fuck proudly sitting before her glowing in entitlement like a Super Saiyan... hadn't Grandma Joanne warned her about situations like this? Situations that made her feel uncomfortable?

Of course it goes without saying that "gut instincts" are horrifyingly problematic, female or not, but it didn't change how she felt at that moment. She didn't have time to practice the necessary meta-cognititon mental gymnastics required, not with Neville growing more and more impatient by the microsecond. She could begin to sense an edge to him, one she'd felt from males before, that was foreign to her and always would be, even though, technically and scientifically and logically and sociologically speaking, there was absolutely no difference between her and xem whatsoever. She started to panic, and was ashamed by it. Neville sensed that shame and even though he was indeed losing his patience, was pleased that she was at least *somewhat* being a Good Person by suffering for her internal bigotry.

"Delphi..." Hermione said sternly. "Do it..."

Tears began to well in Delphi's eyes, but nevertheless, she raised forward one shaky hand toward Neville. HP Longbottom began to shiver at the very thought of the euphoria this would bring him.

Suddenly, the bunker door was blasted open.

What the-- Hermione thought to herself with the speed of a supercomputer. No spell was strong enough to penetrate her Time Bunker, not even Pangelingi's Kedavra Ultima! It coul-- NO! NO, IT COULDN'T BE! She spun around.

Lord Voldemort stood before them now, and was pointing a buster sword directly at Hermione's face.

"Neville, release my daughter from your faggot cultural Marxist mind virus immediately."

"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS CUL--" HP started, but before he could finish, Old Snape was already in the bunker, blasting Neville into shreds with his dual automatic crossbows from Van Helsing.

"GAACK! ACKAHCAKCA ACHAKC ACHAKCJFEWA AAAAAGHCCKCK!" Neville acked.

In the confusion, Voldemort took the flat side of his buster sword and beaned Hermione across the face with it, knocking her out cold.

Before his bird brained liberal daughter could protest, Voldemort cast a sealing spell on her lips and yoinked her up off the couch.

"We're leaving, Delphini." He didn't have to ask if she had her Time Turner on her, he knew she always did.

Old Snape led the way out of the bunker as HP Longbottom desperately regenerated himself. It was even more difficult now in his human form, that FUCKING PISSBABY INCEL CREEPY FASCIST CHUD Lord Voldemort had successfully KIDNAPPED Delphi before he could siphon her Fem-magic!

Hermione shakily rose to her feet and quivering with rage, she dialed the UK police.

"Hello? I'd like to report an assault with a hate crime modifier."

Behind her, HP Longbottom was smirking. Perfect. The police would be here just in time... to collect Hermione's remains!

After Hermione hung up, she turned around only to be swallowed by HP Longbottom's tentacle tail, like how Cell would absorb the Androids in Dragonball Z. That probably really fucked up a lot of kids sexually. Android 18 was just *hot*, so really anything that would have happened to her would probably inform someone's developm-- no, not ME, I didn't even see the Cell Saga as a kid, OK? I only saw Frieza. Please just allow me to write Hermione being eaten by HP Longbottom's tail without YOU starting to think that I'm into that stuff-- I'll make it quick--

by the time I finished typing that, HP Longbottom had stolen ALL of Hermione's Fem-Magic! He released her from his tail, a mere genderless shell of her former self.

"Yessss, YESSSSSSS!" Longbottom cackled, dancing around. He was so pleased of Ximself for coming up with the brilliant idea of betraying Hermione. Her feminine essense was better off with HP Longbottom, where it could be put to much better use, for the sake of all Equity and Inclusion. and Love. Hermione's stupid body fell to the ground, ready to found by the police, as Longbottom danced out the door to give chase to Voldemort.

Longbottom sang, bursting forward with tentacle boosters.

"I'm coming for you, Delphi! I WILL BE THE ULTIMATE FEM-CHILD OF THE MOON!"

On the way he passed the UK police. "I'M CHASING AFTER THE FASCIST INCELS, THEY KILLED A GIRL BACK THERE!" Longbottom informed them. They saluted HP and hurried to the bunker.

What they found shook them to their bones.

"Who are YOU?!" they demanded, pointing their walkie-talkies at the stranger.

"My name is Hismione," said Hismione. Without another word, he punched the air and cast Expelliarmus through his fists at the cops, knocking them into the wall and shattering their spines.

"You betrayed me, Neville... after all I did for you," growled Hismione. He took another injection of Male Polyjuice Potion and his muscles swelled. "I'm coming for your ass, boy."

Time to Escape

When HP Longbottom caught up to Voldemort and Friends, he cast forth a desperate tentacle to trip Volds. He NEEDED Delphi's alt-girl energy in order to become truly Valid.

Absorbing Hermione's female energy, and with it all of Pangelingi's had given Longbottom a deliciously euphoric boost of power, but he needed MOAR. The Moon was calling to him.

However, Voldemort was an expert runner. Could have gone pro if he hadn't joined the Navy.

"Delphi!" cried HP Longbottom. "Join us! The future is fem!"

"You're right about that!" shouted Delphi from over her father's shoulder. "But YOU will never be a part of it! You're a MAN!"

"HOW DAAAARE YOOOOOOUUUU!" shrieked HP, and he double-tap cast Avada Kevadra directly at Voldemort's back and Delphi's face.

However.

Voldemort, affectionately nicknamed the King of the Killing Kurse by his fellow Eldritch Hunters, had after decades finally developed a countercurse to the Avada Kedavra.

The instant he'd heard Longbottom say "Adva", Voldemort had chucked his daughter into Old Snape's arms and spun around, rasping

"EXPECTOOOOO VITAE!!"

A beam of the purest White light erupted from Voldemort's wand, cleaving through the killing curse. It struck Longbottom in the face and he shrieked in agony as visions of happy families playing in the park flooded through his eldritch moon brain.

Toddlers riding on dogs' backs at picnics, fathers playing catch with their sons, little girls helping their moms in the kitchen. Toys, bikes, knee scrapes, awkward first crushes, crying, laughing, screaming in anger, shouting for joy. The broken bones, the broken hearts, the love, the beauty, the life.

HP Longbottom fell to his knees, tears flooding from his eyes, utterly mindbroken as if his own tentacles had been turned upon him.

"I..."

"Now's our chance," Old Snape said. "My freakin' hip is killing me, take her, Tom." He chucked Delphi back into Voldemort's arms and they continued running out of the Time Zone.

Hismione had finally caught up to them and reached Neville, still crying on the ground.

Without hesitation, Hismione hammerfisted Neville's head, exploding it like a Gallagher watermelon.

Hismione let out a primal roar of triumph.ROOAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

It sounded like a Predator (the Arnold Schwartzwhatever movie).

"What was that?" asked Delphi, as Voldemort chucked her back into the Real World.

"It was the most dangerous predator on Earth... MAN," said Old Snape, turning back. He was wielding dual tanto knives and a kodachi in his mouth. He had no idea what kind of man's man was coming after them, but he knew he had to meet him.

"Severus, what are you doing?! Harry needs you!" rasped Voldemort.

"I'm not going there to die Tom," said Old Snape. "I'm going to find out if I'm really alive."

And then, before Voldemort could rasp in protest, Old Snape was gone.

Voldemort let out a raspy sigh and jumped back into the Real World. Delphi was brushing the grass from her pants.

"Delphi!" rasped Voldemort. "My precious daughter, how are you?"

Delphi glared at him. "What do you want?"

Before Voldemort could answer, Harry had arrived.

"Voldemort," he said. "Did you get the Time Turner?"

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!" shouted Delphi. "You only ever come see me when you WANT something!"

"You ungrateful little girl, I just saved you from being raped," rasped Voldemort.

"HP Longbottom wouldn't have DONE that!" cried Delphi. "He's an ALLY to fem folk!"

"HE'S AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE ELDRITCH MOONSTROSITY, YOOOOOU LITTLE IDIOT! YOU STUPID IDIOT, I'M SO ASHAMED THAT YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER!"

Delphi started crying, and Harry Potter couldn't stand this nonsense anymore. He took out his Sig Sauer P226 pistol and pointed it at Delphi.

"Delphi, hand over your Time Turner. Or I swear I'll kill you."

"DAD!" cried Delphi, "DO something!"

Voldemort took out his treasured Colt M1911 and pointed it at his daughter.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Delphi, and she ducked.

Voldemort and Harry both opened fire...

ON WHAT WAS BEHIND HER!?

Remus Lupin, who was naked, collapsed from the hail of bullets.

Hungry Like the Wolf

Lupin didn't stay down for long.

"Whereeee... issss... that little... koreannnn... biiiiitch..." he snarled. "I'm gonnnaaaaaa EAEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT HERRRRRRRRRR FLESSSSSHHHHHH!"

Meanwhile, Malfoy had escaped from the broom cupboard ... oh no.. ok... he sat down on a couch in a study room next to the Ravenclaw boi. A 24/7 video game lo-fi beats to chill/study to stream was playing from the Ravenboi's laptop as he studied some Charms. Malfoy was just sitting there pretending not to be gay, catching glimpses of Ravenboi's face every once in a while. Mostly he just acted like he was paying attention to what Ravenboi was typing.

Malfoy realized he'd never gotten the guy's name. The lad's name, the bro's name. He could ask, this was his chance to talk to him!

"Hey, what was your name again?" Malfoy asked casually.

"Why?" asked Ravenboi.

WHY?! What the FUCK kind of autistic retard rude-ass answer is that? FUCK! THINK, MALFOY, THINK!

But Malfoy's pure blood took over and would not be insulted.

"Why?" he scoffed. "I wanted to talk to you."

Ah-*HAAAAAAA*! NOW who's in the awkward position, you little faggot? You cute little prettyboy girl-looking faggot?

"I'm working right now," Ravenboi replied, not missing a beat. He didn't even turn away from his laptop.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! OH SHIT IT'S OVER. IT'S SO OVER, ABORT! ABORT!

Nevertheless, Malfoy wouldn't go out humiliated.

"Whoaa, sooorry," Malfoy laughed, and he got up and walked away. It wasn't satisfactory, obviously. But he didn't have to lose much face at least. See by laughing and not granting that Ravenboi's work was serious--

As Malfoy was coping, he bumped into Hagrid.

"Bwahh! Oh, it's *you*," Malfoy hissed.

Hagrid took one big meaty paw and pushed Malfoy against the wall. He leaned in to whisper to him menacingly.

"Listen. here. ya little queer. Oi know ya like Jack, oi know he's ah little... girly. But oi'll 'ave you know, he's 100% STRAIGHT. And 'is work is CRUCIAL to the oh'peration er this base and the Slythdams. IF I find out you 'urt him with any o' yer queer...ways, why, I'll--"

As Hagrid started describing how he'd brutalize Malfoy, Draco couldn't help but smile. JACK, he thought to himself. So his name's JACK!

As that stupid gay subplot was going on, Hismione was dueling Old Snape.

Old Snape was still strong as an oxe, but his reaction times weren't what they used to be! Almost immediately, Hismione snatched the kodachi from Snape's mouth and the two engaged in a short-blade battle to end all short-blade battles.

Unfortunately for Snape, the kodachi had of course been forged by none other than the legendary swordsmith...... Hibiki Natsume.

After a few clashes, it shattered Snape's dual Gerber tantos like ice.

DARN it... DARN IT!

Snape immediately threw out a desperate sidekick to establish some distance, but Hismione tossed the Natsume kodachi to the side and caught the kick. He prepared to snap Snape's leg like a twig with a crushing elbow, but Old Snape dropped down, safely bending his knee, and grabbed at Hismione's OWN legs!

The two engaged in a Brazilian jiu jitsu match even gayer than Malfoy RIGHT THEN AND THERE!

MEANWHILE, Lupin had sprinted past Voldemort and Harry.

"He's going after Rei! For some unknown reason, he believes that her father used to bully him!" cried Harry. He started to give chase.

"Yeah, I know!" rasplied Voldemort, right behind him.

"What about meeeee!" cried Delphi, being left in the dust where she belongs.

"Harryyy!" rasped Voldemort as they ran after Lupin. "Did you secure the Time Turner?"

Harry smirked and showed it to him. "No-one's better at touching girls without them noticing than I am, Voldemort!"

"EWWWWWWWW!!!" screamed Lupin from ahead of them. "YOU CREEPY FUCKING DOUCHENOZZLE DORK!!"

"Voldemort, he's being empowered by the Moon Presence, how can we stop him?" asked Harry.

"We CANT, Harry," rasped Voldemort sadly. "Only a child of the Sun could. Like a Happamage like little Chen..."

"Yea," replied Harry, annoyed.

"Or Ronald, who is a natural Sun Child!"

"Okay, yeah that's a good idea, we have to get Ron!" said Harry.

"In order to do that, we'd need enough sheer magical power to act as rocket fuel to launch us. Only--"

"Crabbe and Goyle," said Harry, smirking. And then he Time-Turnered Crabbe and Goyle to them.

"Hey we're back," said Crabbe, smiling. He and Goyle high-fived.

"guys, become Crag and launch me to the Moon!" said Harry.

"Wait Harry, there's no air in outer-space, allegedly, so you won't be able to breathe! We should take a Slythdam!"

"That's a good idea, Voldemort, I forgot that space supposedly doesnt have any oxygen!" nodded Harry.

Crabbe and Goyle nodded too, they also were aware of the story that humans can't breathe in outer space. "We'll take a Slythdam!"

"But we cant let Lupin into the base!" explained Harry, pointing at the idiot they were all running after. "He wants to kill Rei!"

"Okay," nodded Crabbe and Goyle, "Let's kill him!" and they started to chase after him faster.

"NOooOOOoooooooooO, boys!" rasped Voldemort, trying to stop them. "He's absorbed too much Moon Presence now! He's almost fully transitioned!"

But it was too late, they reached Lupin, and when they touched him, he absorbed them both and became a giant werewolf.

"HAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA!!" he cackled and he howled at the Moon, still sprinting like an obnoxious asshole toward the Slythdam base.

"DAMMIT!" cried Harry.

"Lake Base, come in," rapsed Voldemort into his earpiece.

"Hey Voldemort," answered Jack.

"Jack, where's Hagrid?" rasked Voldemort.

"He's in the broom closet with Malfoy"

"Okay well please get him immediately and tell him to INITIATE THE WOLF PROTOCOL."

"Will do."

Voldemort sighed raspily with relief. "Everything's going to be ok, Harry." he stopped running.

"voldemort?" asked Harry.

Voldemort evaporated into dust.

VOLDEMORT?!?!!

The Wolf Protocol

"The WOLF PROTOCOL?!" roared Hagrid, pausing his beating of Malfoy.

"That's what he said," confirmed Jack.

A pained moan caused him to look behind Hagrid and see the mess that was Draco.

"Hagrid, what's wrong with Malfoy?"

Hagrid gently waved Jack out of the room, closing the door behind them. "Listen Jack, we need to trim your hair 'a bit."

"What, w--"

"It's not yer fault, lad. Come'ere..."

Hagrid took out his umbrella and turned it into a pair of scissors. Skillfully he began to give Jack a haircut.

"Just... can't be... coverin' yer eyes like that..."

Jack pulled away. "H-Hagrid, you're cutting too much!"

Hagrid yanked him back. "IT'S FER YER OWN GOOD, BOY."

"NOOOOO!" cried Jack.

"YA LOOK LIKE A GIRL, JACK, YER DRIVIN' MALFOY CRAZY."

The broom closet door slammed open. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" roared Draco, lunging onto Hagrid, STABBING him with the Bigotranium knife Jack had gifted him when they first met, and making him drop his umbrellascissors! Thankfully, because Hagrid wasn't a soyjak, the Bigotranium wasn't activated and it just acted like a normal knife, barely able to pierce his giant hide.

Hagrid roared like King Kong and threw Draco off of him. He picked up his umbrella and turned it into a machete. He lunged at Malfoy. "YOOOOU LITTLE FAGGOOOOOT, OI'VE 'AD ENUFF OF YOO--ACK!!!"

Fearfully, whimpering like a li-- anyway, Jack had stuck Hagrid in the back with Draco's knife! He dropped it and started crying in fear as Hagrid turned on him.

"JACK, YA DON'T UNDERSTAND! MALFOY WANTS TO F--"

Hagrid was interrupted by an EXPELLIARMUS that bonked the back of Hagrid's head like a brick, knocking him off his feet.

"Aaaahhh!" cried Jack, cowering back.

"Don't worry, he can't hurt you anymore!" said Malfoy, reaching out his hand. Jack took it, and the two embraced.

Malfoy smirked. I win, Hagrid, he thought.

Meanwhile, because Malfoy had prevented the WOLF PROTOCOL from being initiated, Lupin AKA Professor Werewolf had breached the Lake Base! Oh no!

"GET OUT OF HERE, M'LADIES! WE'LL HOLD HIM BACK!" roared a chivalrous Slytherin Chud, nameless and expendable like all men.

The group of Slytherin Stormtroopers threw themselves onto Lupin, allowing Rei, Cho, and little Chen Potter to reach the escape pod!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAWWWROOOOOOOOOOO!!!" shrieked Lupin as he saw that Rei was getting away. "YOU SLANT-EYED WHOOOOOOREEE!!!! YELLOW BUCKTOOTH BIIIIIITTTTCHHHHHHH!!!" Lupin's Moon-energy was being overcome by his seething hatred of Rei's father, allowing him to tap into racial animus!

However, while this allowed him cast slurs, this of course weakened his werewolf abilities! He began to shrink, and Crabbe and Goyle exploded from his back!

"Blech!" they cried, wiping the blood and fur and moon gunk from themselves.

"H-He's weakened! Now's our chance!" said a Slytherin, and they all started casting Flipendos and shit at him.

"Ackakackga agaha gaaahhh ack FAAAU FACCCCCCJKKKK!" shrieked Lupin. He jumped up into the vents and scurried away.

"S-should we go after him?"

"NO," said Crabbe, brilliantly analyzing the situation. "The entire base has just become a deathtrap. He could jump from any vent like a horror game enemy or like Batman from Batman: Arkham Asylum. Don't forget he's still been given powers by the Moon Presence. WHY hasn't the WOLF PROTOCOL been initiated yet?!"

"I dunno, Voldemort hasn't called it in!"

"I find that hard to believe," said Goyle. "Something must be wrong. Where's Hagrid?"

Malfoy and Jack arrived on the scene.

"Hagrid was grooming Jack, so I saved him and killed Hagrid!" Malfoy said. He knew that Crabbe and Goyle would read his mind to see if he was telling the truth.

And because he "technically" was, they only looked at him with suspicion for a few moments.

"Hmm. I never thought Hagrid would do something like that. You think you know a guy," said Crabbe.

"Yeah, he was a real sick fuck," said Malfoy. "Anyway, I'm gonna make sure Jack gets back to his room safely, so--"

"No can do, Draco," said Goyle. "We need him right now to prep the Slythdams, we're going to evacuate the base."

"Ah. Ok, then," said Malfoy, SEETHING on the inside. Jack followed the Slytherin Stormtroopers to the Slythdam hangar.

"Malfoy, we need to find Voldemort, something doesn't feel right," said Crabbe. "Will you go after Harry and look for him?"

Malfoy nodded. He'd recovered enough to think clearly, to focus on their survival. He was finally cool enough to be of some use to the mission once again.

He spun around and ran toward the exit. As he turned the corner, he bumped into Harry, and fell on top of him face-to-face like in an anime. He blushed furiously. "P-POtter!!"

I'm writing way too much of this shit, so let's see how Snape's doing.

Hismione was much stronger than Old Snape, but Snape's experience in BJJ VASTLY exceeded his. Before long, Old Snape got him into a kimura lock.

Masahiko Kimura was Old Snape's hero and one of his inspirations for practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. The Kimura lock was Snape's favorite move and he was so happy he'd finally gotten one IRL that he had to stop himself from smiling as he demanded of Hismione.

"WHO ARE YOU, WHERE IS HP LONGBOTTOM?"

Hismione just laughed. "GO AHEAD. BREAK MY ARM. HP LONGBOTTOM ALREADY BROKE MY HEART."

"So Longbottom was a faggot after all?" asked Snape.

"NO!" growled Hismione. "It is I, Hermione! I've taken a Manjuice Potion after Neville stole my FEM-energy from me."

"Okay, so WHERE is he NOW?" demanded Snape.

"I crushed his skull. He probably hasn't regenerated yet. But he will soon. You'll have to release me to get him!"

Snape thought. "And what will you do once I release you? Cause more havoc? I should just KILL you."

"Kill me?" laughed Hismione. "I don't think you understand. My Manly Polyjuice Potion will soon run out, and when it does, I will be a genderless being. A-gender. If the police find you near the corpse of an ACE-folk, you'll go to hate prison for ETERNITY."

Hate Prison. Where Gender Dementors suck the gender from you, turning you into an energy-filled blob of purposeless rage. Each cell had a high-speed internet connection and a premium reddit account so prisoners could spend 23 hours a day typing about how stupid Trump supporters are for being able to correctly-identify their sex no matter what they did.

Snape sighed and released Hismione, almost back to xer genderless self.

"Thank you," xe said. "You know-- you're pretty good."

Old Snape lit up a cigarette. "The best."

When he looked up, Hismione was gone. But the police were still on their way. Old Snape picked up his kodachi, sheathed it, and walked toward the exit to IRL.

When Harry explained that Voldemort had disappeared, Crabbe and Goyle understood.

The WOLF Protocol had to be intiated. Voldemort had killed off his mortal form so that its energy could go into the uh... ...

Wolf Serum. One of them had to take it and become a .werewolf... to fight werewolf with werewolf... the only question... was whomst?

"I'll do it," offered Harry.

"Out of the question, Harry," said Crabbe. "If you take it, it'll taint your pure Chosen One blood and possibly ruin any future children you might have. We need to keep you as much of a healthy stud as possible. It has to be someone expendable. Like Malfoy."

"I'M expendable? I'M A PUREBLOOD!" yelled Malfoy.

"Yeah but.. .you know... you're not ... going to breed lol," said Goyle.

"I'M NOT GAY," roared Malfoy.

"Jack be nimble Jack be quick, Jack go under Draco's dick!" cackled Peeves, who had appeared then.

"Hey Peeves," said Harry, giving him a high-five.

"Peeves, we need your help. Who should take this werewolf serum?" asked Crabbe.

"How about that guy?" asked Peeves.

He pointed at a mysterious hooded figure who was standing in the doorway.

"C-can it be..." gasped Harry.

The man removed his hood. Everyone GASPED.

"Give me the serum," said Serious Black.

EVAC

"Serious, are u sure u wanna take the Werewolf Serum?" asked Crabbe, as he began injecting Serious with the Wereweolf Serum.

"I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley," said Serious relaxing his arm, and before the needle was even out, he already began gettin really hairy and his teeth turned sharp.

"WOOOOOAAAAHHHHRRRRRRRRRR!" he woared.

"He's not just a normal werewolf like L*pin is, he's imbued with the power of Voldemort, so he's really strong," explained Goyle to Malfoy.

"Interesting," said Malfoy.

"Yeah," agreed Goyle. "Anyway why don't you go help out with the evacuation? Make yourself useful for once, you know?"

Malfoy nodded, mentally added Goyle to his shit list, and walked over to Harry, who was prepping a Slythdam.

"You wanna pilot it together again?" asked Malfoy shyly.

Harry shook his head. "It was a one-time arrangement, Malfoy. You have to stop being such a faggot, it's not good for you."

But Malfoy was already walking away looking for Jack. He didn't care about Harry rejecting him, he was just desperate. He liked Jack more anyway. Harry was way too manly and made Malfoy feel too gay. Jack was a longed hair emo boy with no muscle mass, he was effectively a girl. Some way, some how, Draco Malfoy HAD to SEDUCE him. His felt like his life depended on it. He didn't know how true it was... for the Mugglepox Virus had indeed been spread to him when HP Longbottom had.. tentacled him.. during the Battle at the Lake! THE VIRUS NOW WAS FORCING MALFOY TO SPREAD IT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY

After Harry finished helping some civilians (we call them civies) into the escape-Slythdams, he suited up himself into the Griffin Slythdam, a custom Slythdam built just for him that utilized his latent bloodline power and was like EVEN STRONGER than the Co-Op Slythdam he'd piloted with Draco.

"Crabbe, Goyle," he said. "Can you still get me to the Moon? We all know that the WOLF PROTOCOL won't be enough to stop HP Longbottom,"

"We DON"T know that, Harry!" retorted Crabbe. "Serious Werewolf, enhanced by Voldemort, SHOULD be a match for HP Longbottom! Once he's finished hunting down Lupin, he'll go after HP!"

"We should have a backup plan though," said Harry. "Besides, do YOU want to tell Rei that Ron is still trapped on the Moon? Or WORSE, DEAD?"

Crabbe and Goyle looked down at their Nikes. They'd rather die than break such terrible news to Rei. Cute little 5'2 Azn persuasion Rei, spreading Yellow Fever wherever she walked, loved and desired by all who knew her. She wasn't as good-looking as Cho, but she had a waaay more pleasant personality, and when she gave you a hug, as she tended to do, you'd get a face full of her unwashed neet hair while her warm body pressed against you through her hoody, and you'd never forget it.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Crabbe and Goyle fused into Crag and helped launch the Griffin Slythdam into SPACE.

"Godspeed, 'Arry," they said.

Meanwhile, Hagrid was recovering in the Hospital Ward. He'd dragged himself there after playing dead. He wouldn't tell the nurse what'd happened to him. He wanted to handle Draco PERSONALLY. And he would. Hagrid started chuckling quietly as he imagined all of the things he was going to do to Draco, and the other patients thought he was insane.

"OOOOOOOKAY everyone, we-are-leeeeaving," announced the nurse, as the staff started to yoink everyone from their beds. "The base is being evacuated!"

Of COURSE, 'Agrid thought to himself. The Wolf Protocol. Dammit... Revenge would have to wait. For a short while, at least.

Suddenly, Lupin erupted from a vent in the ceiling. "SURPRIIIIIIIISE, FASCISSSSSSSSST!" and he started to maul Hagrid like a Hunter in Left 4 Dead.

Hagrid was still too weak to fight him off! Oh no! No-one could help Hagrid. Looks like he wouldn't be fag-bashing Malfoy after all!

"LUPIN," growled Serious Black. "GET OFF HIM."

Lupin looked up at the werewolf in the doorway. And he saw his own death in those pitch-black eyes.

Behind Serious Black's pupils roared the power of Voldemort.

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size," he rasped.

Lupin bonzai suicide-sprinted at Voldemort, leaping at him. The two collided in the air. The difference was, Serious Black landed on one side, while Lupin's body had exploded into pink mist in the air.

As Lupin rained down onto the floor, Serious Black struck a pose.

"And I'm just getting started," he rasped. He turned to find Hagrid beaming. Thank GOD, the Wolf Protocol had been protocol'd. Crabbe and Goyle appeared too and they were also happy to see Lupin mistified. They all hugged and had a bro moment, and then together they did the gang star dance from JoJo's part 5 to express their confidence in the future!

Up on the Moon, Ron was feeling a bit LESS confident...

"Ssssssssurrenderrrrrr, maaaaaaleeeeeee..." the Moon Presence whispered to him. "Inceeeeeeeeeeelllllllll..."

Even though Ron literally was not an involuntary celibate, the stupid insult was still agonizingly annoying, and each step he took to a destination he did not know was slow and pained. He knew better than to talk to the Presence though, no matter what she said to him.

>She Ron thought to himself. That's right... What did Rowling tell us... it... it might not even be female... then what IS it? There's only two genders...

"Chuuuuuuuuuud," the Presence hissed. "Areeee you theeeeeereee? Pissssssbabyyyyy poooo poooooooo... you look like suuuuuchhh a dooooooorkkk..."

Ron trudged on, even as every fiber of his being screamed at him to blow his own brains out and be freed from the annoyance of this alien world. The thought of seeing Rei again pushed him along through his suffering. He could almost see her... he could alm... wait...

"R-rei?" he gasped.

In the distance over an altar to a stupid alien pagan god, none-other than Rei was being suspended by an incomprehensibly slimey tentacle. HP Longbottom was there, smiling triumphantly.

"Hello, Ron."

Going Viral

While Ron was facing his greatest fear on the Moon, Old Snape was still rushing back to IRL, trying to outrun the police. They hadn't seen his battle with Hismione, but Snape knew that if he were seen with his kodachi, he'd be jailed, because the United Kingdom is a shithole and Whizard people aren't allowed to carry knives in public to defend themselves from violent eldritch abominations invading their country.

Snape toyed with the idea of simply killing the bobbies, which is what they deserved for oppressing their own countrymen,

but it'd be a hassle down the line. No, better to get out unseen. He just had to keep his pace and he'd be fine.

Old Snape was pissed that he hadn't gotten to go after HP Longbottom, but hopefully the Moonchild would at least be trapped in the Time Zone for a while...

Meanvile, the Lake Base was secure again now that Lupin was dead.

"Okay, call everyone back in," ordered Hagrid. "That was a waste of toime."

"No, no 'Agrid, safety first oi reckon," said Crabbe and Goyle.

"He's right," said Serious Black the Werewolf. "What if Lupin had consoomed enough people in order to challenge the Voldemort inside of me? The evacuation was a good idea and not a pointless part of the story,"

"Yeah," agreed Jack.

"Jack!" panted Malfoy, running in. ")- I need to show you somethiNAAAHH! HAGRID!"

"Oh yeah, Hagrid, Malfoy told us you were grooming Jack, is that true?" asked Crabbe.

"Don't bother answering that Hagrid. Upon closer inspection of Jack, I see that his hair is unevenly cut, implying that someone had started to give him a haircut that was... cut... short. Obviously it was you, and obviously it was interrupted by Malfoy."

"But WHY?" asked Crabbe.

"Elementary, my dear Vincent. Malfoy wants to pass his Mugglepox to Jack via intercourse."

"Malfoy has Mugglepox?!" asked everyone.

"Indeed, the signs are all there. Shallow breathing, sweating, paler-than-usual skin, and extreme faggotry."

"It all adds up now!" said Crabbe, smacking his own forehead.

"Oh Malfoy, oim sorry," said Hagrid. "Oi didn't know you were being forced to be actin that way by a brain worm."

"How can we cure him?" asked some random nurse or whatever.

"The only cure for Mugglepox... is... nothing, it's just the gay flu. Malfoy just needs to control himself for a week and his immune system will fag-bash the virus to death. HOWEVER, if he transmits 'the gift' to another person, the cycle will begin anew!"

"We can't afford to send Jack outside of the base," said Crabbe.

"Nor can we release Malfoy, knowing that any lightweight male without facial hair would be at risk of assault," replied Goyle.

"Then what should we do!" asked Nurse Joy.

"Oi've gotta solution ta this!" said Hagrid, and he used his umbrella to decapitate Malfoy with all the skill of a samurai.

"Bwaaaah!!" cried Jack, covering his eyes.

"Ingenious, Hagrid! We'll preserve his head and body separate from each other, and once the virus is dead, we'll reattach his head!"

"Why couldn't we have just locked him in his room or something?" asked a Slytherin Chud.

Hagrid shook his head. "No, this was necessary." He chucked Malfoy's head into a closet, and his body into the side of the room.

And so, with no way of reproducing, the Mugglepox virus within Malfoy began to scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at a cellular level.

But what no-one could have known... was that this was no ordinary Mugglepox...

The virus cells began to sprout incomprehensible tentacles!

HP Longbottom was smirking the most hideous smirk imaginable. "Why Ron, you look surprised! Why would that be? Of course Rei would be here!...With me :^) "

"SCUM, LET HER GO" growled Ronald the Brave. His hair began to spike upwards and he glowed golden.

"Whoooaaaa, slow down there, chuddy wuddy incel poopydouche!" laughed HP Longbottom. "If you use your Sun Powers up here... who knows what'll happen to Rei? I might... DROP HER!!!!" he wiggled his tentacle around to show he meant business.

"You stupid fucking retarded faggot, we're on the MOON," growled Ron, and he sprinted at Longbottom, who had indeed forgotten about the low gravity of the Moon. He shrieked and called Ron a racist, but it didn't stop Ron from rushing toward him.

"HEEEEEEELP! RAPE! RAAAAAAAPE! THIS CREEPY SEX PEST PREDATOR IS GOING TO ASSAULT MEEEEE!" the Longbottom screamed. Who else but Pangelingi would answer his call? She erupted from the ground, and suplexed Ron backwards. Due to the low gravity, he was able to spin and land like a cat.

"Pangelingi!" growled Ron.

"HEH HEHHHHHHH, I'M NOT JUST PANGELINGI ANYMORE, INCEL! BEHOLD!! I AM BECOME PANGELIONE!!!!" she grew an extra 3 arms with 4-foot long fingernails and started flexing and spinning around in the air like an Elden Ring boss.

"I don't care," said Ron, and he took out his wand.

"FOOOOOOL!!" cackled Pangelione. "Magic doesn't WORK on the MOON!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA REDNECK IDIOT!!!!!! ANd what's MORE, is that I HAVE BECOME IMMUNE to Sun Powers because my HEALING FACTOR IS SO STRONG IT DOESNT MATTER HOW MUCH DAMAGE YOU DO TO ME, IM LIKE DEADPOOL HAVE YOU EVER SEEN DEADPOOL????"

Ron said a swear word in his head. NOW what would he do?!

"NOW you will DIIIEEEE!" screamed Panglione, and she lunged at him.

"Wrong," said HARRY POTTER in the Griffon Slythdam, karate-chopping her in half.

"Harry!" cried Ron.

"Ron, I'm here," said the Boy Who Lived. "Let's defeat the Moon Presence once and for all!... TOGETHER!"

Moonfoy and MoonFOV

"The oven just dinged I'm gonna wait a few minutes for my food to cool off," said Crabbe.

"Okay, let me know when you're done I need to use it next," said Goyle.

"You want me to just take my stuff out so you can use it now?"

"No, leave it in, I'm not in a rush at all, I need to write my stupid Harry Potter fanfiction anyway," said Goyle, stretching his fingers and getting to it. "I'm so glad we have some free time now that the Lake Base is secure."

Suddenly, Hagrid burst in. "BOYS, THE BASE IS UNDER ATTACK!" he roared.

Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other and nodded. Time to gear up.

They opened up their closet armory and grabbed their stuff like that movie ... 1 sec... like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando.

bruh look at Arnold's body ffs. God, I'm working out tonight. I'll never be that big, but I can at least get to a bit of a Stallone, you know? I know he was juicing too, but you know what I mean, there's a difference in skeleton size to begin with.

Those were the thoughts of Old Snape as he recuperated in the magic science health tank and was watching action movies. He'd be out of commission for a few days, but the good news was that, conveniently, the Ravennerd scientists had discovered a way of using the Time Turner to reverse aging!

Delphi was not pleased that "her" Time Turner wasn't being returned to her though.

"IT'S MINE, GIVE IT BACK TO ME OR I'M CALLING THE POLICE!" were the last words she spoke before Rubeus Hagrid threw her into the broom closet with Malfoy's decapitated head.

"And ya'll STAY in there until humanity's saved from the Moon Presence!" he barked.

"LET ME OUT OF HEEEEEERE!" she screamed, but no-one cared. Even if they did care, which would never happen, they were too busy dealing with the latest assault party of Moon Children attacking the base.

"Hey," said Malfoy's head, being controlled by the Moonpox.

"EEEEEK!" the dumb bitch screamed.

"QUIET yoooou idiot," hissed Moonfoy. "I'll get you out of this closet if you give me......... if you give me head. No pun intended."

"Uh... okay," Delphi said.

"Ha ha haaaa yessssss, YESSSSSSSS!" Moonfoy cackled, and tentacles erupted from his mouth and broke down the door. No-one was in the Hospital at the moment. Malfoy's dumb headless body was still in the corner.

"EEXXXXXXCELLENT!" Moonfoy the head leaped onto his body and reattached himself. He was Total Moonfoy now!

"Okay, now you said you'd--" he started and he turned around to see that Delphi had already run away. "HEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!" he screamed.

"Hey Delphi, they let you out of the closet?" asked Jack when she bumped into him.

"Malfoy is one of those tentacle things, we need to tell Hagrid!" said Delphs.

Moonfoy turned the corner and screamed "DON'T LISTEN TO HER, JACK! SHE'S A UH... PEDOPHILE!!!"

Jack gasped and looked at Delphi.

"Jack, he's obviously lying, look at him! He has tentacles sprouting from his fingers!"

Moonfoy indeed had tentacles sprouting from his fingers, but when Jack turned to look at him, Moonfoy grabbed him and laughed like an asshole.

"Looks like I don't need you after all, Delphi!" he hissed. "This BUSSY will suit my needs just fine! Waaah ha ha ha ha haaaaa!"

Moonfoy started running away with Jack screaming in his arms. There was nothing Delphi could do, because she was a woman.

But Hagrid ran over, with Crabbe and Goyle right behind him. "Oi, what's goin on over eere?! The base is under attack!"

"Draco Malfoy's decapitated head let me out of the closet and he abducted some guy named Jack."

"DARN IT," said Crabbe.

"BOYS, I'LL HANDLE THIS MOISELF," growled Hagrid. And he transformed his umbrella into a baseball bat that had "HOMO OBLITERATOR" printed on it in comic sans.

Meanwhile...

"HARRYYYY!" roared HP Longbottom. "JOIN US!!!! DON'T YOU SEE THAT HUMANITY IS SO INSIGNIFICANT AND DUMB? BEHOLD! LOOK BELOW YOU!!! SEE HOW TINY OUR PLANET IS??? THAT MEANS IT DOESN'T MATTER, SCIENTIFICALLY SPEAKING. DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCEPTION OF HOW VAST AND UNCARING THE UNIVERSE IS HAAAARRYYY??"

"Neville that's gay and retarded," said Harry throwing a moon rock at him.

The moon rock smashed HP Longbottom's torso, severing him from his tentacle carrying Rei, who gently fell to the surface.

"Rei!" yelled Ron. "I'm coming!" Ron ran at the Griffon Slythdam, which held out a hand. Ron jumped on and was launched over a regenerated Pangelione.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!" she screamed, trying to jump at him. But her leg was yoinked by Harry, who flung her back and started spinning her around like a rodeo clown.

Ron caught Rei in his arms and for a moment, the entire universe was okay. Nothing was wrong, and everything was perfect. Holding her in his arms, it suddenly made perfect sense to Ron why he was able to breath in space without a spacesuit.

Unwavering Emotions from Pokemon started playing.

"Rei," Ron said, tears streaming down his face. "I'm so sorry... I... I left you alone... Please. Open your eyes... Rei...?"

Despite a painful evident beating from Longbottom, she did open her eyes. She turned her head and looked at him.

"Ron..." she smiled and leaned into his chest. "I didn't feel alone. I knew you'd come for me somehow."

"The Moon Presence is so close now, Rei. I have to--"

Rei gripped him. "No. This time, take me with you."

Ron held her tight and choked back a sob. "Okay. Okay."

"Sorry to spoil the reunion," shouted Harry, still swinging Pangelione around. "But can I pass this to you?"

Ron nodded and helped Rei up to her feet. He put her arms around his waist. "Hold on to me, tight, Rei."

The greatest of HP Longbottom's starspawn, inbued with all the power and bitchiness of a hundred witches including the Legendary Hermione, came flying toward Ron and Rei like Bowser when thrown by Mario in Mario 64.

And Ron's fist? Was the bomb.

"rrrrrRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he let loose a straight punch that would shatter a building, sending himself and Rei flying backwards.

Pangelione's last word, unsurprisingly, was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" as she desperately attempted to heal herself. But the fire of Ron's Sun Power spread too quickly, it'd grown even stronger than when Ron clobbered Spider Hagrid.

It was like the bomb at the end of Ender's Game. 1 sec...

"Dr. Device", the Molecular Disruption Device. Ender's Game is so freakin good. I know the sequels are a little slower but they're absolute joys, too.

Those were Old Snape's thoughts as he finished reading "Children of the Mind" in his health tank. He'd recovered even sooner than expected. No-longer was he Old Snape, but was once-again Naked Snape! Literally at the moment.

"Professor!" said Madam Pomfrey. "You're back!" She drained the tank.

Naked Snape emerged from the tank like Master Chief.

"Madam Pomfrey."

She shook his hand. "Good to see you, Master Snape. Things aren't going well. Rubeus did his best, but we never really had a chance."

Master Snape turned away from her and looked at us.

"I need a weapon."

A Pox Off You

"Malfoy, RELEASE 'IM!" roared Rubeus Hagrid, pointing his baseball bat at the Foy.

Draco hissed and held a tentacle to the back of Jack's pants. "Not another step, Hagrid. Or you KNOW what will happen to him."

"YER NOT YERSELF MALFOY, YA GOT A GAY WORM IN UR BRAIN. DONT MAKE ME FAG BASH YA!!"

"Hsssssssss, it's not gay to like femboys, Hagrid. You sound like YOU'RE gay. Here, look at this meme."

Draco held out his phone. On it, there was a picture of a "female to male" person and a "male to female person" standing side by side.

"WELL?" demanded Draco. "WHICH ONE WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH, HAGRID, HMMM?"

"NOITHER, Draco! That woman's all hairy and ugly, and the man's still obviously 'ah man, he's just slightly more feminine lookin 'E's still gotta man face, and those fake tits are gonna be disgustin when 'es naked! And don't ya get me started on whatever nightmare's in his pants, no, Draco, I choose 'noitha!"

"NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE, OR ELSE YOU'LL *DIE*!" screamed Draco.

"Oh Draco..." Hagrid said sadly, shaking his head.

"YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT YOU'D HAVE SEX WITH THE 'MAN' DO YOU HAGRID? BWAAAH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA! YOU'RE GAY, HAGRID! GAY! YOU SHOULD... CONSIDER BECOMING A PRIEST!!"

A tear fell from Hagrid's eye. "Draco... I am a priest..."

Hagrid threw open his coat like Gandalf in the Golden Hall of Rohan, revealing his vestments. On his sides were Snape's crossbows, which he moved his hands to.

"Don't TRY IT, HAGRID!" shrieked Draco. "BEFORE THE BOLTS EVER REACH ME, I'LL HAVE TAKEN HIS BOIHOLE!"

Hagrid smiled sadly. "Oim sorry, lad. But it's already too late."

Without even taking the crossbows from his belt, Hagrid fired straight down, igniting a trail of holy water like uh, blessed gasoline.

"NO, NOOOO, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!" shrieked the Moonfoy as he was consoomed by the sacred flame. He threw Jack away and started running around like a stupid idiot. He even stopped, dropped, and rolled, but nothing could extinguish the flame.

Jack ran to Hagrid. "How did you know the fire wouldn't burn me, Hagrid?"

Hagrid tousled the Ravenclaw's hair.

"Because, Jack. Yer not a bad lad. 'Course, neither is Malfoy, really... Oi think 'ell be right as rain 'fore long..." he pointed as Malfoy who was writhing on the ground, but bore no signs of injury.

INDEED, Hagrid's holy gasoline was killing only the Moonpox virus within Malfoy. A painful process to be certain, but one Malfoy would survive.

Meanvile,

Naked Snape AKA Master Snape was preparing to launch to the Moon.

"Professor," said Maddam Pompfrey. "Are ya sure ya ought ta be doin this? You've just recovered!"

Master Snape nodded. "The boys need me. My son. Needs me." He flipped down the visor of his helmet and nodded a fairwell to her.

Crag used his raw magical energy to launch yet another Slythdam to the Moon. They knew that Harry and Ron needed all the help they could get for dealing with the Moon Prescence. These Moon Children starspawn attacking the base? Small beans, small potatoes, lil smol bean uwus.

"Crag!" barked Serious Black. "We've got a problem."

"What is it, Black?" borked back Crag. "We just launched Professor Snape to the Moon."

"The problem is... Lupin's remains are missing."

Moon Archive

Master Snape's journey to the Moon was mostly uneventful, save for some mild cosmic turbulence. He chalked it up to starspawn being bashed against the armor like bugs on a windshield. On his way, he received a report from Harry: as everyone suspected, it was, of course, a lie that people can't breathe in space. So Master Snape ditched his SLYTNIR Mark VI armor. He preferred to be as light as possible.

For some reason, the cockpit wouldn't open immediately. There was a prompt on one of the monitors. Snape looked closely.

"Please choose the language: Japanese / Korean "

Snape shrugged and tapped Japanese. He didn't know either, but what difference did it make?

The lock immediately opened up. Curious.

When Master Snape finally stepped out of his Slythdam, instead of the darkness of space, he walked into what seemed like a bright, sunny day. Constant Moderato started playing.

"What the..." he looked up at the skyline of a beautiful city.

"Senseiiii!!" called a voice from behind him.

A vaguely Asian school girl was sprinting toward him. As she reached him, Sensei Snape held out a palm to her forehead to keep her at bay. With his other hand, he touched his earpiece.

"Crabbe. Goyle. Come in."

"Professor, what's wrong?" responded Crabbe.

"You tell me. I just landed on the Moon, but it looks more like I'm in Seoul."

"We'll have Jack try to track down your Slythdam. He's in therapy rn after Malfoy almost raped him. Are you in danger?"

Sensei Snape looked down at the girl, who was frozen mid-run with her arm outstretched. He quickly read her mind. Empty. Not unusual for a woman. But with such capacity, such potential! He couldn't even see a ceiling. He could be forehead-palming one of the greatest witches in history. Sensei Snape's natural drive to TEACH was overwhelmed and he had to collect himself quickly.

Snape sensed no malice in the girl and replied to Crabbe "No. I'm in no danger."

"What do you see Professor? Are there any sentient beings?"

Again Snape looked down at the girl, still comically frozen.

"I'm not sure, Crabbe. Let me call you back."

"OK Professor, stay frosty."

Snape removed his hand. Gratefully, he was not pounced. The girl stared up at him, expectantly.

"Where am I?" asked Snape.

"Sensei, you're in the Magical Academy City Hogvotos!"

Upon hearing this, a slight sense of relief washed over Snape. If the name had "Hog" in it, it surely had something to do with Hogwarts. But how?

The girl interrupted his thoughts. "Sensei, my name is Aronime! I'll be your assistant!"

Snape turned around and walked back into his Slythdam. He needed to collect his thoughts.

But Aronime had crept perfectly behind him.

"SENSEI!" she said.

Snape had to act fast before he lost his mind. Should he kill her or just knock her out?

But Aronime held out a holo-disc. "I've been ordered to give this to you when you arrive, Sensei!"

Snape took the disc and inspected it. Suddenly, an imagine of Hermione was cast from it. Her usual resting bitch face was absent, so this must have been one of the infinite Hermiones that was on their side.

"Professor," said Hermione. "On route to the Moon, you were sucked into an eldritch wurmhole summoned by the Moon Prescence in order to stop you from coming to Ron and Harry's aid. I followed you and Time-Turned back on the planet you'd land on, where I built the city you now find yourself in."

"OK," said Snape.

Hermione went on. "The Moon Prescence is no match for Ron and Harry, Professor, so >she's going to keep running. We have no technology that can keep up with >her. Our only hope is to build an army great enough to scatter amongst the stars, so >she has no-where to escape to! The Slytherin Eldritch Hunters are strong, but there's nowhere near enough of them."

Snape took a seat and popped open an energy drink Aronime provided him.

"I've been able to secure this one Wurmhole for us, allowing us to travel back and forth between the route to Earth's Moon, and Hogvotos--wherever it is in the Universe. I seeded the planet with thousands of self-replicating Korean girls cloned from Rei Jeong. By my estimates, each one of them has the capability of being as strong, or even stronger than Crag or even Voldemort!"

Snape spat out his drink. An army of Voldemorts?

"But there's no time for me to teach them, even if I could. The Moon Prescence wears on me, Professor. There's not much more I can do. It's up to YOU to teach these magical girls! When you receive this message, a shipment of weapons should also be arriving for you. Whoever's delivering it will stay to aide you."

Snape turned to one of the monitors and saw that, indeed, another Slythdam was appearing next to his. He walked out to go meet them.

After a moment, who else but Draco Malfoy would come waltzing out?

"Draco," said Snape, extending his hand.

A completely-heterosexual Draco Malfoy took it firmly and replied. "Professor. I guess we've got some work to do."

"That's right, Draco. We're building an army."

Malfoy nodded. "I won't let you down, Professor."

Malfoy was promptly glomped by Aronime. "Welcome to Hogvotos, senpai!"

Malfoy looked around in horror as cute girls began to appear all around them, slowly closing in.

Snape's body might have regenerated to a young age, but his mind was still too old and tired to desire acting out the Public School Teacher's Greatest Fantasy. Instead, he immediately began constructing lesson plans with Aromine, leaving Malfoy to be swarmed by excited nubile school girls.

"Draco, have them help you unpack the weapons you brought," said Sensei Snape.

"Weapons?" asked Draco. "What weapons?"

Girl Troubles

"Serious, what do you mean Lupin's remains are missing?" demanded Crag.

"I meant what I said and I said what I meant! A werewolf is faithful 100 percent!"

The first time i ever heard that was from an ex gf. i thought it was adorable. she drove me crazy, the good way. totally broke my heart, but i didnt treat her right anyway. i never treat anyone right and i get what i deserve.

"What are you talking about, Professor?" asked Malfoy.

"Ah, Draco," said Sensei Snape. "How are things with the girls?"

Since Draco had been infected by the Moon variant of Mugglepox and was too busy chasing "boipussy" to remember to load the weapons up into his Slythdam, the situation in Hogvotos was SPOOKY. So Snape had to slave-drive Draco like an Egyptian pyramid builder, whippin' the crap out of him all day and night to teach thousands of Asian girls how to use magic. This meant constantly running around the entire city like a dickhead in order to accomodate the busy schedules of all the girls, who all had their own club activities and social lives to live. This was what Malfoy deserved for being such a fuckup, but it was truly an exhausting task. Thankfully they all took to it like Mandarin ducks to water.

Meanwhile, Snape was busy familiarizing himself with the limited defense system Hermione had set up across Hogvotos. It included cameras, turrets, laser gates, a small drone airforce... enough to hold off a small starchild attack, but not even close to enough if a being such as Pangelione came after them.

"Professor, I need a break," complained Malfoy, collapsing on the break room couch. "My baaaack is killing me."

"No can do fu manchu!" said Snape. "Here's something for your back. Get back to work."

"What is this, powdered mandrake?" asked Malfoy suspiciously.

"It's kratom. Now GIT. You have to meet Fuuka at her lunch club. GIT!"

Snape took out his +4 Dragonhair Slavemaster whip and gave Malfoy a quick warning-whip. Malfoy was out the door before you could say "yowch". He said it though.

Meanwhile, Serious and Crag were searching the Lake Base high and low for Lupin's remains. They'd both seen enough horror movies to know what this meant.

"How is this possible, Serious? Could Lupin really have received THAT much power from the Moon Prescence, as a male?"

Serious shrugged. "I've never seen anything like it. Pangeli-whatever's healing factor makes sense. A woman's wide hips and narrow shoulders are built to accomodate the Moon's triangular ...energy. chakra. ...magic. Magic, it's magic.

"Yes of course," said Crag because that makes perfect sense.

"Indeed. But Lupin, being a male, has an entirely-different skeletal structure from a woman."

"INCELLLLL!" hissed a voice from the vents above them.

That made him reveal himself! Crag communicated with Serious telepathically.

Yes, responded Serious. I now understand.

"Sex and gender are differentttt," snarled the voice.

"Come down from there, Lupin," said Serious Black. "This is the women's bathroom, you can't be in here."

"I just want to peeeeeeeeee," Lupin whispered excitedly. "That's aaaall. Hey, why are there no tampons in the dispenserrrrr??? What if a woman like meeeeeee needs to use oneeeeeee???"

"LUPIN," commanded Serious. "You ARE NOT ALLOWED in here. The women are very uncomfortable with you in here. Do the right thing and come down."

"WHhyyyyy does THEIRRR comfort matterrrr more than miIIiiiine?" growled Lupin, shifting around. "My life matterrrrrrssss... My... lived experienceeee... mattersssss..."

"FUCKING TRAAAAAAAANNYYYYYY!" roared Hagrid, kicking down the door. "LEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Hagrid swung his umbrella like a claymore, casting a BRUTAAAAL flipendo and bringing down a good chunk of the ceiling.

Lupin screamed in surprise and landed like a clown. Serious Black was upon him in an instant.

"I'LL DEAL WITH HIM!" he yelled, slamming Lupin against the wall.

"Serious!" said Crag. "What about his healing factor!?"

But Serious had Der Solution. After smacking Lupin around some more, he dragged him to the sinks.

"LOOK INTO THE MIRROR, LUPIN!" he commanded.

"NO! NOOOOOOOO!!" shrieked Lupin. "I'M A CUTE GIRL!!"

"ARE YOU? THEN LOOK INTO THE MIRROR!!" he forced Lupin's head forward.

What happened next was like that scene in uh... Indian Jones when they opened the Ark of the Covenant. I never saw the movie, but that guy's face melts off or whatever, you know.

"AAAAAAEEEEEIIIIIIIII!!!" screamed Lupin, face to face with his hairline.

It was over in moments. This time ,there were no remains.

"How did you know, Serious?" asked Crag.

"The Moon Prescence wanted him to believe he was a woman. Only when he was in that delusional state could >she give him such a strong healing factor. Once he was forced to accept that he waslmao okay lets move on

Sensei Snape was click-clack typin' away, making sure everything was going swimmingly in Hogvotos. Malfoy had taught magic to several dozen girls, but it was nowhere near enough. They had to find some way to speed up the process. Some way that didn't involve Snape doing any work.

Aronime offered advice. "Sensei, what if you got a TIME TURNER!"

"That'd be convenient, Aronime," said Snape. "But there's only two in existence. One is being used by Hermione, who's doing God-knows what, and the other is in the Lake Base being used by nerds to do magic science."

"But what about the THIRD one, Sensei! The one Hermione left in Hogvotos? The one Draco found and carries with him?"

Snape blinked. "What?"

The Presence Returns

"LET'S GO!" yelled Harry, engaging a COMBO ATTACK with Ron. Both of their Magic Musou gauges had filled up from knocking out dozens and dozens of star spawn.

"OKAY!" replied Ron, initiating the cinematic attack. The two lunged at Neville and kicked him up into the air.

They started juggling HP Longbottom in the air like a Devil May Cry enemy. Then Ron went down to the surface, and Harry stayed in the air with his Slythdam and they kept smacking the Longbottom back and forth.

HUP! HAH! YA! RAAAH! HIKE! YA! HUP! YAH! CYA!

NOW!!

The two of them unleashed an Avada Solis, enveloping Cosmicbottom in a glorious ray of sunlight.

"ACK!!!" shrieked HP Longbottom, attempting to flee into the comforting womb of Mother Moon.

"NEVILLE!" screamed Cho Chang angrily. She'd escaped from the Moonprison he'd shoved her in!

HP Longbottom cringed horribly but didn't look her way. He could feel the seering heat of her anger and wanted to escape By Any Means Necessary!

Ron tried in intercept him, but the Longbottom was too fast! He was going to enter the MOON HOLE!

Or he was, until Cho Chang fired a speargun at him! It hooked him and started retracting, pulling the Cosmic starstuff starchild into Chang's clutches! HP Longbottom didn't even want to COMPREHEND the INCOMPREHENSIBLE things Mama Cho was going to do to him, after he'd endangered little Chen Potter!

"WHAT THE FUUUUUCK!!! LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE!! FASCIIIIST!!!" a horrid voice screamed. From the Moon Hole in an incomprehensible ocean of tentacles erupted.

"What is that thing?!" cried a Slytherin Stormtrooper as the Lake Base watched the battle on UHD monitors.

Jack the Ravenclaw femboy pushed up his glasses. "It's >her..."

The tentacles enveloped HP Longbottom and snapped the wire of the harpoon gun.

Meanwhile, Sensei Snape was thinking of how he was going to confront Malfoy about him stealing the Time Turner Hermione had left for them. He had to be careful, or else Malfoy would just escape in time. This would require MAXIMUM delicacy.

"You wanted to see me, Professor?" asked Malfoy, opening the door to his office.

The brick Snape had left on top of the door fell down, crashing on Malfoy's head and knocking him out cold.

"Perfect," said Sensei Snape. He looted Malfoy and took the Time Turner and his wallet.

"Aronime," he called for his assissstant.

"Yes! Sensei!" said Aronime entering, carefully stepping over Malfoy's stupid body.

"Aronime, Draco's going to be busy for a while. I need you to set up a MAGICAL GIRL STUDY CLUB and start helping the remaining girls learn magic, so we don't get too far behind schedule."

Aronime saluted and hopped to it.

Snape kicked Draco awake.

"GAH!" cried the Foy. "Wha- What are you doing?!"

"The games are over, Draco," said Sensei Snape. "I know you've been Time-Turning, and I want to know why."

Draco pressed his chest pocket and despaired. "NOOOOOOOoooooo..."

"Das Rite, Draco!" Snape showed him the Time Turner. "If you don't want me to go back in time and become your father, you'll TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING."

"I... I..." stammered Draco.

"YOU WWWHAAAAAATTTT!"

"You don't understaaaaaaaaaand!" cried Draco. "I can't tell you! He'll KILL MEEEE!"

"WHO will kill you?" demanded Snape. "Draco, tell me EVERYTHING, you're SAFE with me here!"

"Ohh, I wouldn't be so sure of that, Severus," chuckled a voice from behind them.

The two turned in horror.

Dumbledore was sitting on Snape's desk. And he was naked.

The Demand

"So... this whole time, Dumbledore wasn't gay... he was a 'trans-man'?" asked Ron, once he and Harry and Cho and Chen and Rei had all safely returned to Earth after the Moon Presence escaped with HP Longbottom.

that's good writing btw.

"I guess so," said Jack background character who I stupidly made Malfoy's love interest so now I have to keep him around forever.

"It doesn't make any sense!" protested Hagrid. "No-one detects trannies and gays as well as *I* do, so how could Dumbledore have hidden it from me all these? Ah just don't believe it!"

"Could it be because 'female-to-males' 'pass' more easily?" suggested Crabbe.

Goyle shook his head. "That may be true, but it still would've been suspicious from the beginning. As time goes on that suspicion turns to certainty. Especially for a veteran like Hagrid. No. No. This isn't our Dumbledore. At some point during the summer, before the semester started, the Presence must have replaced him.

"Of course," said Goyle, smacking his head. "That's when Venus is in transition."All of this is really interesting, but have we regained comms with Hogvotos yet?" asked Ron.

"No, but we'll keep working on it. You all had a super tough battle on the Moon, why don't you relax and have a beach trip filler episode?"

"No," said Harry. "Cho's body isn't back to normal yet after giving birth, I don't want to look at her in a bikini right now. Don't tell her I said that."

"I can't go anyway," said Cho. "Someone has to look after Harry's son, since he doesn't want to do it." She took little Chen and walked away.

"Harry, that wasn't right," said Rei. "Besides, she looks almost the same as she did pre-pregnancy anyway.

"I have to be this way, don't you understand..." Harry said. "I can't let them get close to me, or my enemies will hurt them to get to me!"

"Harry what enemies are you talking about?" asked Rei.

"My enemies, my numerous enemies!" said Harry, slamming his fist on a table. "I'm gonna go play old video games from my childhood I'll ttyl!"

"Is he okay, Ronnie?" asked Rei, holding onto the Wease's arm.

Ron stared after Harry. "He's just stressed out, Rei. He wasn't ready to be a father. He just wanted to bang hot girls."

"Is that all you want too?" Rei asked him.

Ron pulled her closer and kissed her head. "No Rei, I--"

"I don't mean to interrupt your moment, guys," said Jack, but we're receiving a transmission from Hogvotos.

On the big fat screens of the strategy room, Naked Dumbledore's hideous grinning face appeared.

"Hello, nazis," he said. "I have a DEMAND for you, which you WILL comply with before the day is done, or ELSE, I WILL GENOCIDE THIS ENTIRE PLANET OF ASIAN GIRLS."

"MONSTER!" growled Ron, and he started glowing.

"Severus and young Malfoy have failed to defeat me and I've CLOSED THE PORTAL to your world. You have NO CHOICE but to do as I say." the naked monster continued. "I DEMAND THAT YOU BRING ME CHEN POTTER."

Rei gasped. Ron grimaced. Hagrid growled. And Crab and Goyle glowered.

"And in case you think I'm not being serious..." Naked Dumbledore said.

He took a knife and on Aronime he started acting out the contents of a message that JK Rowling gets on a daily basis from perfectly sane people.

"STOP IT!" screamed Cho. "WE'LL DO IT."

Naked Dumbledore smirked. "I thought so. Send me Chen with a single non-threatening person to carry him. No Hagrids or Rons. Or else." He eyed Jack the Ravenclaw femboy. "HIM. He looks safe. I will open the portal for him to pass through with Chen in 1 hour. MAKE YOUR PREPARATIONS NOW, OR I WILL BEGIN KILLING THESE FUCKING WHITE SUPREMACIST CHINKS."

The transmission ended.

"What are we gonna do?" asked Hagrid.

"Isn't it obvious?" rasped a mysterious voice.

Everyone turned and gasped.

LORD VOLDEMORT stood before them, dressed in brilliant White robes.

Follow Through

"Ron, I need your help," said Harry, face red. Obviously very emotional.

"Don't worry, Harry. We're already assembling a team to strike Naked Dumbledore before he gets his perverted hands on your son."

"What? No, I need you to use your Sun powers to charge the battery in my Pokemon Yellow cart."

Ron looked at Harry seriously. "Harry, your son is in great danger. And Hogvotos is being held ransom. Thousands of lives, cute Asian girl lives, are at stake."

"Ron, if my battery isn't charged, I'll LOSE all of my Pokemon. My Zapdos..."

"Harry..."

Harry gripped Ron's hand. "Ron, his name is Zap, and he's been with me since I was a child. He's an Electric type, just like..." Harry lifted up his bangs, revealing his lightning-bolt scar. "Just like... me..."

Ron shook his head. "Harry, your son!"

"Ron, THE BATTERY POWERS THE RAM! Zap will DISAPPEAR! Just like everything else in my life!"

"Just trade him into another game, Harry!"

Harry shook his head desperately. "I've already asked around the entire base, Ron! No-one else has any Gen 1 or Gen 2 games! Only one other person even has a Gameboy!"

"Hagrid?" asked Ron.

"Yeah, he just plays Harvest Moon," Harry spat. "He's hardly a gamer at all."

Ron shook his head. "Harry, I just wish you cared this much about your son."

"So you'll help me?" Harry held out his Pokemon Yellow desperately.

Ron sighed and touched it with his finger, using his Sun Child power to recharge the battery.

Harry jumped with joy and hugged Ron. "Thanks, Ron!"

"Harry, I fried the cart. Your Zapdos is dead."

Harry's eyes bulged out of his skull. "You WHAAAAAAATTT!!!"

From behind, Cho Chang beaned Harry in the head with a frying pan. "You lousy FUCK, Harry."

"Why I oughta!..." Harry spun around.

Cho Chang was standing before him, in her skin tight curse-proof battle armor created by Professor Midget. To say the least, her body had bounced back from the pregnancy.

"Cho... I..." Harry stammered, blood rushing from his head.

Cho handed Harry his wand. "We're leaving for Hogvotos in 20 minutes to protect our son. Jack's reopening the portal as soon as he's through. Get ready."

Harry nodded. He turned to Ron. "I'm sorry, Ron. I..."

Ron smiled. "I understand, Harry. I didn't really fry your game. He handed it to back to Harry."

Harry held out his hand like the German in that WWII poster. "No," he smiled. "You keep it." He skipped away after Cho.

"I don't have a Gameboy, what am I supposed to do with this?" asked Ron.

Naked Dumbledore was laughing and dancing like a ballerina. "WAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HAAA!" The starspawn howled. "Once I consoom the Happamage, I'll become a REAL BOY!"

Chained to the wall, Sensei Snape spat blood and grinned. "So you admit you're not a r--"

Naked Dumbledore cast another Diffindo at him, slicing the professor's chest.

"Professor," growled Malfoy, naked to him. "I'm sorry... this is all my fault..."

"Yes, it is," replied Sensei Snape.

It's true. Naked Dumbledore had been blackmailing Malfoy with pictures of Malfoy wearing nothing but thigh socks and cat ears. Malfoy had to use the Time Turner to sabotage all of Hermione's security systems throughout the city, so that Naked Dumbledore could sneak in undetected!

Naked Dumbledore walked over and hugged Malfoy.

"I'm so proud of you, Draco. You've done wel--lAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

Draco Malfoy bit off Naked Dumbledore's ear, and spat it into his face. "DELETE THE PICTURES," the Foy roared, breaking free from his bonds which Sensei Snape had been working on in secret all this timelol

"ACK!" acked Naked Dumbledore as Malfoy began choking the life from his naked body.

Sensei Snape collapsed. "Gaahhh..."

"Professor, what's wrong?" asked Malfoy, turning to him.

Snape sat up against the wall. "Stomach acid, after you finish kill him, get me some water please."

Malfoy nodded and continued putting all his weight on Naked Dumbledore's throat.

"Draco..." grunted Snape, whose tummy and chest was in incredible pain, the portal's opening soon... make sure... it's done... before Jack comes..."

Snape passed out.

"Professor?" cried Draco. "Wha-- Jack's coming? owo "

The portal INDEED opened, and through it walked Jack, carrying the Happamage of Legend. Naked Dumbledore sat up and grabbed Draco's ear. Malfoy shrieked because Naked Dumbledore was so creepy and his hands were freezing.

The monster hissed in Malfoy's ear "You didn't follow through, BOI! But I WILL!"

And with that, he bit off Malfoy's ear and began strangling him nakedly.

Whitemione

"Go! Go! Go!" roared Hagrid, patting the shoulder of each Slytherin Stormtrooper when it was their turn to walk through the portal to Hogvotos.

The mission was simple. Kill Naked Dumbledore and retake Hogvotos.

Simple... but not easy.

After Jack, the first through had been Cho Chang and Harry, rushing past Jack and twin-kicking Dumbledore through the wall.

Now, every last student had to be rescued. Most had locked themselves in their rooms around the various campuses of Hogvotos. Naked Dumbledore's invasion was being treated as a shooting. Which it was.

For Naked Dumbledore had not come alone. Possibly hundreds of armed transcel starchild gunfolk were rushing around campus, thirsty beyond thirst for cute girl blood.

If only Malfoy, Malfoy the fuckup, hadn't forgotten to bring the weapons that Hermione had intended him to.

Now it was up to a smol, elite team of Slytherin Stormtroopers, and even a few Ravenclaw engineers, to save the city of Hogvotos!

Jack reattached Draco's ear as he whined like a baby on Jack's lap.

"It's okay, Draco. Just relax and let me take care of you. You did really well today!" Jack assured him.

Not true.

But Malfoy biting off Dumbledore's ear HAD at least dicked up Naked Dumbledore's concentration, not allowing him to close the portal after Jack got through with Chen Potter.

'Arry Potter was now holding his Happamage son in his arms, looking down at him. Chen scowled up at him as if to say "Vewwwy dishonorabu, father-san"

"I'm sorry, Chen," said Harry, kissing him. "I've been a real crappy dad. But I promise I'll never let anyone hurt you."

Cho looked at the two and smiled, but something was eating at her.

Indeed, something WAS eating at her, for PANGELIONE had come through the floor and was trying to absorb Cho, dragging her down through the floor!

"H-Haaaarryyy!" cried Cho, holding on for dear life.

His hands occupied with infant-carrying, Harry couldn't reach for his wand, so he did the only thing he could!

He let loose a hard-R as loud as any man ever had, blasting Pangelione off of Cho!

"Bwaaaah!" screamed Pangelione, falling down. A few of the black witches she had absorbed, like uh... Angelina Johnson, were trying to break out of her now!

"Good job, Harry!" cried Jack.

"Bloody brilliant, 'Arry! Oi, go on! Go on!" said a Slytherin Stormtrooper.

All of the Slytherins began shouting racial slurs at Pangelione through the floor.

The effect was devastating.

SHOCKINGLY, the Witches of Colour's racial identity mattered more to them than the #Solidarity required to make up the starstuff horror amalgam.

Dozens of witches began bursting from Pangelione, including Parvati Patel, one of the two original victims of the binding of the Moon Presence!

However, since Pansy Parkinson was a White Supremacist, like most Slytherins, the slurs were not awakening her.

"What's going on down there?" asked Malfoy, who only heard the shrill howling of the Moon creature as his face was buried in Jack's lap.

Hagrid, who had just arrived after the Stormtroopers, eyed him suspiciously.

"It's the slurs, Draco!" cried Cho Chang happily. "They're awakening the racial consciousness of all the non-White victims of the Moon Prescence. They care more about their race than uniting with stupid libtards like Hermione for the sake of the Moon!"

"But they're going to start coming after us!" cried one of the Ravenclaw nerds fearfully. "We need to memory-wipe them!"

"No problem," said Harry Potter, the boy who lived, as he passed Chen to Cho. "That's where WE come in."

He took Ron's hand, yanking him from Rei.

"Come on, Ron," said Harry cheerfully. "Let's go beat up some women!"

Ron smiled and the two friends held hands and jumped into the basement together, where they spent the next 11 minutes beating up women of colour, for their own good.

All that remained of Pangelione was the White women she'd absorbed. Many of the Slytherins had to avert their eyes from her great beauty. But Harry and Ron, both hopeless victims of Yellow Fever, could stand to be in her prescence, allowing them to get their job done.

"HSSsssSssss youuuu fuckingggggg inceeellllssss!!" shrieked Whitemione. "Stop thisssss at onceeee!"

"No," replied Ron, firing a devastating head kick at Padma Patil that sent her flying.

"INCREDIBLE kick, Ronald!" said Harry, landing a big meaty hook behind the ear of a black girl he didn't know. His fists felt so alive. Each punch, he subtly infused with a Flipendo spell to really add some oomph.

Whitemione, so weak she couldn't move, could only cope and seethe as all of her diversity, which was of course her greatest strength, were being KO'd by Harry and Ron, and then extracted to the floor above by Draco and Jack.

Draco had a much milder case of Yellow Fever than Ron or Harry, but still enough to stand to be near Whitemione without turning into a soyjak simp. At least that's what he told Hagrid to avoid suspicion of his FEELINGS for Jack.

Jack was, of course, completely Asexlmao hmm... okay no, Jack, being a Ravenclaw autismo, had no TIME to think of sex, and was therefore IMMUNE to Whitemione's beauty. That works.

Once all of the witches of colour were safely away from Whitemione, Ron and Harry faced her.

"Will you come quietly? You stupid bitch?" asked Harry, pointing his treasured Beretta M9 at her face.

"You won't kill meee," she teased. "Look at me :) "

Indeed, Whitemione was arguably the most beautiful witch to ever grace the earth. No, not because she was White, don't be like that. She had had plenty of good-looking brown girls in her, it's just that she also had a few that looked like KRS-One.

A single woman who looks like KRS-One can destroy an entire hive-creature built of attractive women. Possibly an entire country.

Don't believe me? Look up "Tarana Burke".

Now, despite Whitemione's great beauty, Harry had no time for her shit. Frankly, looking at her angular face made him feel sick after all the times he'd seen Cho Chang writhing in pleasure underneath him. Harry fired a Boogie1488-style warning shot just over her head to let her know he meant business. She shrieked in fear.

"MY LAAAADYYYYY!" screamed a naked voice from behind them.

"Oh no," said Ron and Harry in unison.

They turned to see Naked Dumbledore sprinting at them like Usain Bolt.

Paradise Lost

Before Naked Dumbledore could get within molesting-distance of our heroes, he was sent crashing to the ground. From above, Aromine had shot his leg out from under him with her Dragunov sniper rifle, right through the back of the knee. “I did it!” she cheered and pumped her fist.

But, of course, from Naked Dumbledore’s mouth erupted none-other than HP Longbottom. Two super pointy tentacle scythes erupted from his hands, ready to decapitate Ron and Harry in an instant. They stood their grouuuund.

Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were receiving a telepathic communication from Hagrid.

"Boys, I think Malfoy's stil gay," he growled.

"Hagrid that's impossible," assured Goyle. "We removed the Mugglepox worm from his brain."

"If you're certain Hagrid, we'll go to Hogvotos and knock some sense in him for you," offered Crabbe.

Hagrid smiled. "No, thank you, boys. I just wanted to make you aware. If I find HARD EVIDENCE... I'll 'have a talk' with him myself."

"If Malfoy really is still a frocio, welmao we can't have him in our social club anymore, that much I know," said Goyle in an Italian accent.

"Ayy, fuggedaboutit," assured Hagrid, hanging up on them. He turned over toward Malfoy, who was, of course, standing right next to Jack as the two of them watched Harry and Ron battling Whitemione.

Hagrid gritted his teeth and gripped his umbrella.

Most of the Slytherins couldn't watch the fight. Even if she WAS the enemy, Whitemione was so agonizingly beautiful, to see Ron and Harry put her down would be terrible. Like uh, the hunter killing Bambi's mom.

or like that Symphony X song, Paradise Lost.

"Mystifiiiied by her beautyyyyy, does the hunterrrr pity his preyyy?" sang a Slytherin sadly, turning away from the scene.

The answer was no, neither Harry nor Ron, both deeply exhausted of all the fat anglo women they'd spent their lives enduring, had any pity for Whitemione. Even if she represented the peak of femininity, they knew it was ultimately an illusion.

Oh thank God, my dog fell asleep. She's so stupid during storms, she can't decide whether she wants to be in or out of my room, on my bed or off it. And she'slmao I have to move myself to accommodate her because she's a big girl.

Just like all the women Ron and Harry had to cope with throughout their lives. But Rei and Cho?

Those were girls you could bridal carry through threshold without being a powerlifter.

Whitemione knew what they were thinking, and >she spoke to them.

"I'M NOT EVEN FAT, INCELSSSSS, I AM MADE UP OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND FIT WITCHES IN HOGWARTS!"

“Don’t you DARE do it,” seethed HP Longbottom. “The future of the cosmos is fem, incel dorks. Get on board, or we’ll drag you kicking and screaming.”

Before the Longbottom could reacc, Ron took out his Hi Point C9, with a duct taped grip. A gift from an old friend who went to a different school. He pointed it right at Neville’s dumb face.

“Do it, Ron,” said Harry. “Shoot him lol.”

“Before the bullet reaches me, I wiAACHKK” acked HP Longbottom as his brains flew out the back of his head.

Ron turned back on Whitemione with Harry.

“So much for protecting women,” the amalgam chortled. “I knew all along that you nazis do--”

“YOU’RE NOT A WOMAN,” said Harry.

“Aren’t I? Then explain THIS!!!”

The creature took out a state-issued driver’s loicence that clearly said “FEMALE” on it.

“WELL?” Whitemione asked smugly.

Truly a conundrum. One made especially dangerous by the arrival of the UK police.

“EVERYBODY FREEZE!” they said, making guns with their fingers and pointing them around at everyone. “We got SEVERAL reports of INTOLERANT ACTS in this area!”

“SEVERAL! Wow!”

“Ya, so all ‘ah you aah under awwest by ordha of ‘is excellence the gov’nuh Nggurapeand Oogikillwhitei!”

“Not so fast!” rasped Lord Voldemort, arriving just in the nick of time!

Voldemort shoved a knife through the neck on one bobby, and using that, he launched himself into the other, delivering a kick to the sternum that would not soon be forgotten!

“Voldemort!” cried everyone happily. “We thought you’d sacrificed yourself to power up Serious Werewolf!”

“I did lol, but once he no-longer needed me, I was able to return to this world.”

“Oh cool!”

“Yeah!” Voldemort rasped in agreement. “Now what’s going on down there?”

Indeed. For although they had Whitemione right where they wanted >her, Ron and Harry didn’t actually WANT to kill her! For she still had many innocent witches trapped inside of her, like Pansy Parkinson, who, above all others, had the best chance of snapping Malfoy out of his gay phase and saving him from the wrath of Hagrid.

“Ron, if we do this… not only will those girls die...” whispered Harry.

“I know… Malfoy’s toast.”

“What are they WAITING for?” asked Jack. He tugged on Malfoy’s sleeve. “Draco, what are they doing?!”

Draco Malfoy’s heart almost exploded from his chest. He used all of his willpower to not react to this soft, innocent touch, and merely blurted out an answer.

“Uhh- M-Many of the starchild’s victims have been freed, but there’s still a lot of girls that are inside of >her. And worse, they’re White girls, who above all others, must be protected.”

Rei was too busy watching her husbant Ronald to have heard that or even care if she had, but Cho Chang looked at Draco. She leaned in and whispered “I hope Hagrid kills you, faggot.”

Voldemort walked over to Hagrid. “Hagrid, I’m going to try to free those girls and end this standoff. Can I trust you not to cause a hullabaloo in the meantime?”

Hagrid gritted his teeth and twisted his umbrella. “Grr… ahhh… yeah, Tom, oim sorry. I just hate to see what they’ve done to poor Draco. To see what he’s become! Why, if he’s left alone with Jack—”

“We won’t let it happen, Hagrid,” rasped Voldemort. “I’ve already instructed the Slytherins to keep an eye on them at all times. Code ‘Leave The Door Open’. Until we can have a moment’s peace to cure Draco for good. And we will.”

Hagrid smiled. “Thank yah, Tom.”

Voldemort smiled. “Now, all of you, get ready!” he said, and helol he uh held out his arms in the air.”RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH-- AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

“Voldemort’s going to unleash a Kedavra Bomb! It’ll destroy all of Hogvotos!” gasped Rei. “Ronnie, get out of there!”

“No can do,” said Ronald the Brave. “We can’t let Whitemione escape. If that means we all die here… heh, so be it.”

“YOOOOUUU FUCKING CRAZY INCEL FUCKING POO POO FASHIST FUCKING FUCK DOUCHENOZZLE PISSBABY DORK FUCKING REACTIONARY INCEEEEELSSSS!!” screamed Whitemione. “LET ME GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Ron, Harry,” said Sensei Snape. “Let >her go.”

“Professor!” gasped everyone.

Whitemione smirked triumphantly and started slithering away as Hogvotos began to crumble under the weight of Voldermort’s Kedavra Bomb.

Trust the Plan

"Voldemort what are you DOING?!" cried Cho. "You'll destroy all of Hogvotos!"

"Will I?" asked Voldemort in-between shouting as he powered up. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHwill I?AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Good question, Voldemort! For the shaking of Hogvotos suddenly ceased!

Everyone looked up and saw that the Kedavra Bomb Voldemort was creating was being siphoned into a... time hole.

"A time-hole!" gasped Rei. "That can only be..."

Indeed, one of the Infininte Hermiones had arrived to help!

But WHOM was she helping THIS TIME?

Whitemione answered this question with an abrupt "WHAT THE FUUUUUCK!"

Everyone turned to see none-other than Hermione blocking Whitemione! She was pointing a Bulldog 5-shot double-action revolver at her.

">Be American. >Get shot" croaked Malfoy.

"Draco, what the hell are you talking abou-- Draco? Help! Someone help!" Jack called over to the Ravenclaw nerds.

Malfoy had began coughing up blood. The Nerds rushed over to render aid.

Well, what do we have here? Hagrid pondered.

Meanvile, Whitemione was screaming at Hermione. She could feel what no-one else could see. The Kedavra Bomb that Voldemort had created had been loaded inside the Bulldog's .44 Special cartridges. Sensei Snape was held Ron and Harry back, telling them to Trust The Plan.

"YOU BETTER PRAY TO YOUR MAGIC SKYDADDY THAT YOUR FIRST SHOT IS ENOUGH TO KILL ME, YOU PICK-ME SHE-NAZI!" shrieked Whitemione. "OR IT'LL BE THE LAST SHOT YOU SHOOT!"

"SHOOT YOUR SHOT, HERMIONE!" yelled Ron.

"It's too risky!" said Harry. "What if the curse destroys the innocent witches Whitemione is comprised of? Oh, if only there was some of separating the Evil Hermione inside of it, and just killing her! Because no-one would miss her!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Harry, there's no way we could do something like that on the field!" sighed Crabbe from the upper floor. But if lmao if you capture Whitemione we could use the Time Turner back in the Lake Base to power a uh, localized time-rift and extract all of the innocent witches from Whitemione! We might even be able to save the Evil Hermione too!"

Harry nodded. "Whitemione, you're coming with us."

"NOOOOOOOO I'M NOT, INCELLLLL!" hissed Whitemione. "I KNOW YOU WON'T KILL ME, SO I'M JUST GONNA--"

but then, who else but Chen Potter would launch himself down from his mother's arms on floor above, landing an elbow on the top of Whitemione's head?

Whitemione crashed to the ground, and Ron and Harry jumped her like a gang of migrants attacking an underage European girl.

"ROPE!" shouted Ron. "THROW US A ROPE!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked Whitemione. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING NAAAAAAAZIIIIIIIISSSSS!!!"

When the package was secured, Harry turned to Hermione "Thanks for the help, Hermi--" butSHE WAS ALREADY GOOOONE.

"That's odd," the Potter said. "Professor--" he turned to Snape, but SNAPE WAS ALREADY GONE TOOOOOO.

"'Trust the plan...'" Ron recalled.

"Well let's get this bitch back to the Lake Base then," said a Slytherin Stormtrooper(SS), and he dragged Whitemione by a rope through the portal with a squad of Slytherins.

"Ronnie! You were so brave!" cried Rei, tackling him off his feet.

Harry looked down at his son. It was obvious that Chen was growing at a rapid rate. He was already a toddler and probablylmao idk, his brain was almost that of an adult's. He was basically Ender Wiggin. Chender.

"Do you love me now, father?" Chen asked, tears streaming down his face. He had a bandage on his elbow from cracking Whitemione's skull.

Harry knelt down and wept with his boy. Cho came over and mommied them.

"Chen, Cho, I-- I'm so sorry..." Harry sobbed into Cho's chest.

"This is so gay," complained Malfoy, watching in seething jealousy at Harry Potter's family reunion and Ron's head disappearing in the unwashed hair of the messy NEET gf who sat on top of him. "Jack, let's g--" he turned and instead of a cute femboy, Hagrid's scowling face waited for him.

"Lets go WHAT, Draco?" growled Hagrid.

"N-NOTHING!" Malfoy gasped, turning to get away, but Hagrid's giantass fingers wrapped around Malfoy's arm.

"I'M ON TO YA, DRACO," hissed Hagrid. "I KNOW THE GAY BRAINWORM INSIDE YA WAS DESTROYED, BUT I RECKON IT LEFT A LITTLE SOMETHIN' BEHIND. THERE'S SOMETHING WR--"

"Hey Hagrid!" Jack said cheerfully, coming over.

Hagrid turned and smiled "WHOI ELLO there young Jack, oi was just avin a chat with Draco."

"Hagrid, I've finished designing a Slythdam that can support your size. The Giant Slythdam!" Jack announced proudly, holding up the schematics.

"Whoihaitshs dats lovely, Jack!" Hagrid said, beaming. He tousled Jack's hair. "Go on with the Slytherins and they'll escort ya back to the base now."

"Okay, Hagrid!" Jack said. "Hi Draco, bye, Draco!" he added, skipping away.

Malfoy's face flushed and he tried to cover it as Hagrid turned back to him. "YER NOT TO BE ALONE WITH HIM, DRACO. NOT UNTIL I'M POSITIVE THAT YOU'RE CURED."

"Ello, Draco!" said Parvati Pattel, coming over. She was still dripping wet in starstuff. Quite frankly, even for a seething racist like Malfoy, she was fuckable. At least she would be, if he were his normal self.

Now's my chance to throw him off, Draco thought. "Parvati, will you be my girlfriend!" the Foy blurted out.

"Oh! Uhh, sure I guess Draco. You wanna go snog in the other room?"

Snog. What a disgusting word. It sounds like something pigs would do. What's wrong with kiss? Make out? SNOG? These people remind us, constantly, that English is "their" language. Is it? Look what they do with it.

Hagrid watched Malfoy and Parvati walk off together to go SNOG, and grunted in ... whatever, who cares. He's still suspicious.

"What's going to become of Hogvotos now?" asked Aromine.

"With Sensei Snape's disappearance, and Malfoy's... unreliability, Crabbe and I will be staying here ourselves to complete the magical education of the club leaders and school presidents," said Goyle. "We'll make sure you're self-sufficient before we leave. And when we do, Hogvotos will be well on its way to becoming a greater school than Hogwarts ever was."

"Oh, cool :) " Aromine.

Voldemort was sitting down and meditating. The Kedavra Bomb had taken a lot out of him. He was just glad that Hermione had managed to channel his power into her revolver when the TIME was right. Her mastery over time was becoming almost... incomprehensible.

I can't let her become too powerful, Voldemort rasped internally. I can't take that chance. As soon as Whitemione's been destroyed, I must use my daughter's Time Turner to keep track of Hermione. She alone must NOT control time. She's a liberal female. She's not even going to take Ron's name when sh... w-what? What am I thinking...

Voldemort opened his eyes and looked at Rei. In every way but hygiene she was Hermione's superior. So why did Voldemort have this feeling of a doom that waited over Rei's head like the sword of Damocles? A bitchy doom... Hermione?

Rei turned from Ron and looked at Voldemort with a knowing expression. A tear ran down her eye before Ron demanded her attention back. She quickly wiped her cheek with her long hoodie sleeve and resumed hugging him.

"I'll save you, Rei," rasped Voldemort quietly. "I'll save us all."

Manifest

When the gang got back to Hogwarts, the Met, London's POWERFUL MILITARY POLICE FORCE, was waiting. Dozens of officers who looked like this had their fingers trained on Harry and were yelling at him that he was under arrest.

SOMEONE had alerted them that Harry, a white wizard, had engaged in the act of reproduction without a license. This is extremely dangerous to democracy, the environment, and under-served communities such as bug-chasers and knife-collectors of colour.

And wth Chen Potter right there as EVIDENCE of Harry's crime, there was no escaping justice this time! Finally... Harry Potter was going down...

"Come quietly, Citizen Potter," ordered an obese woman wearing a badge in the most grating tone she could manage. It was time to establish her dominance in this male-dominated world, and her Voice, her Vox, would NOT be ignored. "Come quietly, or you'll only maoik it worse on yerself!"

"What is the charge?" demanded Harry. "Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal?"

Cho Chang blushed furiously and covered her face.

As the cops began to swarm on Harry like termites, Harry spoke calmly to his friends.

"GENTLEMEN, this is Democracy manifest."

Ron and Crabbe and Goyle all nodded. They knew what they had to do.

But Rei knew what they intended and even though she knew that the British police did *deserve* to be killed, as the boys were about to, she didn't want them to be, because violence is sad :(

Rei shouted at the bobbies. "Hey! Over here! I know crime statistics!"

The law gasped and immediately turned their attention away from Harry to this new, greater threat. Harry's kind--Anglo men--would die out on their own. Rei was an Asian female. And not just any Asian, but an *actual* Asian, as opposed to the UK's broader definition which includes everyone on the entire planet.

As part of the biPOC fem future, Rei could NOT be allowed to fall victim to far-right hate facts.

"Citizeeeen!" called the Chief of Police(they/them) in an equitable mix of concern and condescension. "Yew know it's against da law to spread hateful misinformation. Yew know roight well that those stats are lacking propah context to show dat dey actually dont mattah. Now just come quietly, and we can treat you for your bigotry at the local Hogspital, no charge."

"Rei won't be the one going to the hogspital," growled Hagrid, who had apparated into the middle of the swarm of blue. "In fact, neitha will yew! Yer goin ta HELL!"

Hagrid began spinning around like the Tasmanian Devil, his fists breaking through every bone they came into contact with. Harry was able to dodge roll just in time.

"Thanks Hagrid," he laughed, as Hagrid continued to collapse the ribs, arms, and skulls of London's finest.

Ron and Rei embraced their dear friend Harry. Harry patted Rei's head. "I'm sorry, Rei, I know you were trying to save their lives. Their miserable lives."

"It's OK Harry," sighed Rei. "I'm glad that Hagrid was here to help us anyway.

"Something's niggling my, 'Arry," said Ron. "Chen's birth was a secret that not a lot of people knew about. So 'ow did they know? Oo told 'em?"

Harry looked around. A few dozen Slytherin Stormtroopers. Loyal to a fault, dedicated solely to THE MISSION, plan trusters to the end. The Ravenclaw nerds... all too busy tinkering and experimenting to try to get Harry arrested... especially...

"Why 'ello there Jack!" Hagrid said, smiling as the Ravenclaw boi came skipping over.

"Hai Hagrid! The Giant Slythdam will be ready for you in a matter of days!" Jack reported happily.

"Say Jack," said Harry quietly. "Where's Draco?"

"Hmm? He isn't with you?" asked Jack, confused.

Hagrid grumbled. "Last oi saw him, he was goin' off with that Indian girl to go SNOG, back in Hogvotos."

Harry and Ron exchanged grim glances.

There's no point in thinking about it right now. Harry decided. If I find out Malfoy betrayed me... I'll kill him. But not now. There's... so much work to do.

Harry sighed and went back to Cho and Chen.

Crabbe and Goyle were monitoring the situation closely from Hogvotos. They'd been prepared to release the first wave of Hogvotos students if need be, but need didn't be, thanks be.

"What d'you reckon Malfoy's up to with Parvati?" Crabbe asked.

"If I had to guess," answered Goyle. "He's using her to escape Hagrid's suspicion. But to what end? Does he really just want that Ravenclaw nerd? Why doesn't he just go be gay somewhere else?"

"There must be more to it," agreed Crabbe. "Something's special about that Jack boy. I'll look into his background. See what I can find. We should keep Malfoy from return to Hogwarts."

"How can we do that without letting him know we're on to him?" wondered Goyle.

"I have an idea."

Crabbe crept into the room where Malfoy and Parvati were still SNOGGING. For a few seconds, Crabbe inspected Malfoy. From the bulge in his pants and the look on his face, it was apparent that the body was willing but the spirit was weak. Rather, the spirit wasn't there. Malfoy looked absolutely fucking miserable as he SNOGGED with this decent-enough chick. It didn't make a lick of sense. Well, they'd figure it out.

"Malfoy," Crabbe said.

Malfoy jumped up. "Heyah-ha- hey. 'Sup?"

"Sup nothing Malfoy, You missed the portal back to Hogwarts."

"WAT!"

"Das rite, it'll be days before Goyle and I can manifest a new one. In the meantime, you're to help out around here. Here, let me install our professor app on your phone." Crabbe held out his hand.

With some hesitation, Malfoy handed it over.

"It'll take a few minutes, I'll leave you alone," Crabbe said, walking away.

Malfoy began to imagine all the things Crabbe would find on his phone if he searched. But he had no reason to, r-right?

Immediately Crabbe checked Draco's call history.

Just as he suspected, it was Malfoy who had called the police and reported Harry's hate crime.

Two Ways

While Crabbe was keeping Malfoy busy, Voldemort was trying to recruit Harry to save Rei from her destiny of being killed by Hermione.

"I've seen it, Harry," Voldemort rasped. A timeline where Ron is married to Hermione and suffers under her for the rest of his life."

Harry frowned. "That sucks."

"Yeah," rasped Voldemort in agreement. "So will you help me track down Hermione and end her ambitions?"

"Uhhh... I dunno, Voldemort. Aren't there an infinite amount of timelines, so it's like unavoidable that Ron's going to end up with Hermione in one of them? So like... who cares?"

Voldemort shook his head. "No Harry. There is indeed an infinite amount of timelines, but they're all mostly similiar, AND they all influence each other! Hermione might even kill OUR Rei in order to get to Ron!"

"What is all this 'killing' stuff anyway? Hermione wants to kill Rei? Why?"

"She wants Ron to breed her so she can give birth to a Sun Child!" Voldemort rasplained. "That's the only answer that makes sense. She wants both a Sun Child from Ron and a Moon Child from Neville so she can fuck them up as a single mother and become all-powerful."

"I guess that makes sense. It's just that I'm kinda busy, Voldemort. I have to raise my son. And Cho wants to get married. And, you know, HP Longbottom is still out there, and the Moon Presence is still controlling almost all the women in the world, and we don't know where Dumbledore is, and now Snape's gone missing, Malfoy's gay, Crabbe and Goyle are away, there's incomprehensible starchildren running around. There's just a lot going on."

Voldemort nodded. "You're right, Harry," he rasped. "You're needed here, I can't drag you through time hunting Hermione with me..." Voldemort turned to see his daughter Delphi standing in the corner doing nothing on her phone.

"But I know someone I CAN!"

Family time is so important. Good thinking, Voldemort!

Meanwhile, Ron and Rei were relaxing back at the Lake Base.

"Rei," Ron said, stroking his NEET gf's oily hair as she lied on top of him.

"Hmm?" she asked, not removing her face from his chest.

"How are you feeling? Are you hungry?"

"Nein, I'm okee..."

Ron murmured an acknowledgement. He, however, was hungry. But he felt like HP Lovecraft when the writer didn't want to disturb his cat's rest. If Rei never got up on her own, Ron would surely become a skeleton. A happy skeleton, but a skeleton.

Ron looked around and saw that he'd left his phone on the desk on the other side of the room. He silently cursed.

Ron closed his eyes and exhaled, accepting his fate. This wasn't a bad way to die at all.

"There are onlyyyy two-- two ways, two ways, two ways to diiieeeeeeee," sang Crabbe.

"Eyeeeesss shut or open wiiiiiiiiideee," answered Goyle.

"SHUT OR OPEN WIDE."

Crabbe and Goyle were driving around Hogvotos to teach some more of the students magic. Today? Defense Against the Dark Arts with all of the class reps. Crabbe and Goyle didn't have to do much. The girls only needed to be taught the bare minimum before they could start self-teaching like some terrifying A.I. programs in a sci-fi novel. But instead of shitty evil computer programs that torture humans, the girls of Hogvotos were helpful and cute. They'd already repaired the city's security systems and fought back a starspawn attack. Soon, they'd be unleashed across the Universe, the Moon Prescence would have nowhere to hide. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hiiiiiiiide.

They'd left Malfoy and Parvati alone at the President's Office. Alone to SNOG. But Malfoy was losing it. The remnants of the Mugglepox Moon Variant were eating his brain, slowly making him perceive Parvati as some kind of disgusting monster.

Not only that, but Malfoy had heard that his SWATting attempt of Harry hadn't ended well. Instead of Harry being arrested, Hagrid had simply beaten to death several dozen police officers.

Malfoy couldn't stand to see Harry engaged to Cho, and already with a son. It should have been MALFOY, even though women were icky and he wanted nothing to do with them.

Parvati Pattel began to sense that something was very wrong with Malfoy.

"Draco, what the hell is wrong with you?" she asked, when he started zoning out.

"I'm going to kill Harry Potter," Draco said, emotionless.

"What?!"

Before Parvati could get out of the room to warn the others, Draco had Avada Kedavra'd her in the back of the head.

"I hate you. I hate everything," Draco droned. "None of this matters, fucking..."

He cast Avada Heisenberg on Parvati to dissolve her body. No-one would ever find her, and Crabbe and Goyle would never be able to prove he'd killed her, even though he'd been alone with her and it was very-obvious that he was guilty. All Draco had to do was hire a slimeball attorney that could trick 1 of 12 retards on a jury into having an unrealistic definition of "reasonable doubt" and Malfoy would never see a day in prison.

"It doesn't matter," Malfoy repeated. "I'm going to kill Harry and that's all that matters."

"He's gone full-Moon," Crabbe said, watching Malfoy on the security cam from his phone. The two had already finished giving their lessons today.

"Yeah, we've got to get back and 'incapacitate' him before he hurts anyone else," Goyle said. "I know Harry'd rather do it himself, but... we can't take that chance, can we?"

Crabbe nodded. "When I told Harry was Malfoy did, his exact words were 'I'm going to show the entire world what a hate crime really is when I get my hands on Malfoy.' But the Pattel girl is dead now. What if Malfoy attacks one of our students?"

The two laughed at the thought. Any one of the thousands of 5-foot Korean girls residing in Hogvotos would fucking clobber Malfoy with one arm tied behind their back.

"Okay, okay, but once he gets back to Hogwarts, he'll have plenty of prey to hunt," Crabbe said.

"You're right," admitted Goyle. "And who knows how busy Harry will be, or already is? Does he really need to be further-distracted by MALFOY now? We should Sopranos him ourselves."

Crabbe nodded. "So we're in agreement. When we get back to the office, we'll kill Malfoy."

"Harry, can I talk to you about the wedding?" asked Cho.

Harry Potter, the Man Who Lives, for a fraction of a second due to his overwhelming schedule, was so annoyed he wanted the world to explode. The feeling passed as he turned to see the mother of his child, looking as FFFFFFFFFFFFine as she did before having Chen.

"Cho," he said, pulling her in to his arms.

Cho sensed that he needed this embrace more than she. She knew that Harry was busier than ever now that Snape, Crabbe, and Goyle were all gone. But the starspawn would never fuck off. There would never be a perfect time to have the wedding, so the sooner they got it out of the way, the better.

"Harry, I spoke with a feng shui master, and he gave me a few different dates that would be 'most auspicious.'"

"Uh huh..." Harry sighed, just resting in her arms.

What ever. What ever. What. Ever. WHATEVER.

"Your parents coming? You want a uh, Chinese ceremony?" he asked.

"Oh Harry, would that be okay?"

Harry almost blurted out "I don't care", but managed a "If that's what you want, Cho."

Cho hugged him tightly. "Oh, Harry! Thank you..."

It's so easy making women happy, Harry laughed internally.

He shooed Cho away and turned back to his WAR TABLE. Young Chen Potter was there with him, studying the battlefield like the little genius that he was.

"What do you see, Chen?" asked Harry.

"We must retake the Southern side of the castle... here," pointed Chen. "From there, we slowly branch out and exterminate any starspawn inside. Once the castle is secured, we can fortify it against further attack, now that we know the capabilities of entities such as 'Whitemione.'"

Whitemione... thought Harry. I wonder if the nerds have figured out a way of breaking her apart yet.

Back at the Lake Base, the Ravennerds were doing just that.

"We can extract the witches from her using the Time Turner," said Nerd 1. "But the power it'll take might destroy the Time Turner. Voldemort's said that he wishes to use it when we're done with it."

"I don't want to disappoint Voldemort after all he's done for us," said Nerd 2. "Can we do it without the Time Turner?"

Nerd 1 nodded. "There are two ways. But the extraction process without the Time Turner won't be perfect. It'll mean allowing the Moon Presence to stay bonded to at least one of the witches."

"Which witch?"

"Pansy Parkinson... Draco's ex-girlfriend."

Break

"THAT WHITE BITCH IS SHAMING THE NOBLE SPORT OF BREAKDANCING!" howled a femPOC sitting next to Harry as they watched a goofy White woman dancing a goofy dance goofily.

Cho had thought it would be good to go on a vacation from Hogwarts and attend the Magical Olympic Games beind held in Paris.

What Harry had done with and to Cho in their hotel room the night of their arrival was a far greater display of speed, strength, and endurance than anything they'd yet witnessed in the Games.

Now that Harry had to watch the "athletes" perform, he was deeply unhappy.

"YT PEOPLE BE RUININ EVATHANG!" hissed the femPOC. "Rite?" She turned to Cho.

"Das rite," replied Cho automatically, without looking at the femPOC. She turned to Harry. "Do you want to leave?"

"What, and miss the rest of the breakdancing competition? It's normally so incredible."

Before Cho could sigh in disappointment, Harry had already gotten up and was pulling her away. He didn't really want to punish Cho at all, let alone enough to also have to suffer through more breakdancing. Even "good" breakdancing.

But the femPOC grabbed Cho's arm. "Where d'ya think ur goin?" she asked. "Once dis Karen's done, a REAL breaker's gonna be up!"

Before Cho or Harry could react, there was a disturbance to their side.

"Harry, Cho!" called Ron, pushing his way through the stands to reach them. Ron took out his beloved Roman gladius and brought it down powerfully, cutting off the femPOC's arm, freeing Cho.

Cho screamed and slapped the decapitated arm off of her own.

"Ron, what are you doing here?" asked Harry happily, kicking the femPOC as hard as hard as he could down several rows of seats.

"Hai Cho!" sang Rei happily, appearing from behind Ron.

"Rei!" Cho laughed, hugging her.

"Harry, there's a problem back at Hogwarts."

Harry held up his hand. "Nyope. I'm on holiday, Ron. Chen can handle it. Whatever it is."

"Harry, it's MY SISTER."

"You have a sister?" asked Harry.

"Ginny."

"Ginny?... I don't..."

"You dated her for a while."

"Mhmm... I'm not..."

"Okay Harry, anyway, she's BACK. They extracted her from Whitemione!"

"Well, that's happy news!" said Harry.

"NO, Harry!" Ron said, pulling him away from Cho and Rei. "Harry... she wants revenge."

"Revenge? On whom?"

"On YOU Harry, for abandoning her to the amalgam!"

"What the fuck, everything in the world is my fault!"

"She's going to try to kill Cho, Harry! Cho need to come back to Hogwarts where she'll be safe."

"Safe? Isn't Ginny there?"

"No, Ginny's already been expelled from the school grounds. Professor Flitwick's cast a charm around the school that won't let her back in."

"Wow, Professor Flitwick's still around?"

"Yeah, Chen's gotten Hogwarts back up and running. Almost all of the teachers are accounted for."

"Not Dumbledore, though..."

Ron sighed. "I don't know if we'll ever find him. What I DO know is that we're GOING to find GINNY out here. She could be anywhere, at any time. The Ravenclaws said she had so many Mooncells in her head that there'll be no reasoning with her."

"Okay Ron, I'll kill your sister," Harry said.

"No Harry, I DON'T want that. But I want you and CHo to be safe. Please, end your vacation and come back to Hogwarts with us now."

Harry looked past him at the new breakdancer performing a PROPER routine. Harry decided he'd leave.

"NOT. SO. FAST. HARRY," screamed the breakdancer. She peeled off her face, revealing herself to be GINNY WEASLEY!

Ginny's Return

"Oi, 'ey Ginny!" called Ron nervously. "What are you doin here, pretending to be an Olympic breakdancer?"

Ginny's arms morphed into shortswords and she stormed off the stage toward them, hacking an unfortunate cameraman.

Ron turned back around. "Harry, Cho, you've got to get out of here! Take Rei with you, I'll hold her off!"

Harry shook his head. "Ron that's stupid, let's all just go together. There's no reason we can't go together."

Ron pushed Harry and dramatically roared "GO!!!"

Harry shrugged and started walking away. As gently as she could, Cho pried Rei off of Ron's waist, assuring her that Ron would be fine.

Ginny cut her way up to Ron and glared at him.

"Get out of my way, Ron. I will not be denied my revenge."

"Ginny, calm down," said Ron, an expert in dealing with females. "Just calm down."

Ginny screamed and lunged at him, but luckily, human males, over the course of quadrillions of years, have evolved physical attributes which allow them to survive attacks from the females of their species that many other animals cannot.

Ron stepped back and hit Ginny with a left hook that sent her flying into the ground like a scene out of Baki.

"Ginny, you have to chill or Harry's going to kill you!" Ron shouted at her.

But Ginny grabbed his ankle and pulled him off his feet. Ron landed flat on his back, narrowly avoiding cracking his skull on the concrete floor. He kicked Ginny in the face, making her release him.

Tentacles erupted from Ginny's mouth, enveloping her brother's leg and he screamed in surprise.

Harry alone heard the scream and paused for a moment. Did Ron really need his help?

No. Harry refused to believe that Ron was incapable of beating up his own little sister. He continued to lead Cho and Rei back to Hogwarts.

Meanwhiiiiiiiile...

Draco Malfoy was on the run. Crabbe and Goyle had invited him on a fishing trip and he knew what that meant so he'd immediately booked it.

DAMMIT, he thought. How did they know I killed that Indian bitch? DAMMIT.

Malfoy jumped into the sewers.

"Guess I'll just live here for the rest of my life. I'll eat rats and drink rainwater. And one day when I inevitably get horribly sick or injured and there's no-one around to help me, I'll just kill myself. A perfect plan." Malfoy wept.

"Crabbe, Goyle," said Snape.

"Professor!" Crabbe stopped their Malfoy-hunting car, a 1974 Cadillac Eldorado. "Professor, where are you?"

"I'm here in the car with you, boys. I'm in another time. I want you to stop chasing Malfoy for now, it's a waste of time."

"A waste of time? He swatted Harry and he killed Parvati Pattel!"

"It's 'Patil', you keep getting that wrong."

"So what, he still killed her."

"He's no-longer a threat. He's taken up shelter in the sewers, and there he shall remain as long as he believes that you're hunting him."

"Living in the sewers? No, he's gotta DIE for what he's done, professor!" protested Goyle.

"He will die, Goyle," assured Time Snape. "Make no mistake, Malfoy will pay for his crimes. But that time has not yet come. Allow the sewers to act as his death row. When the moment comes for Malfoy to die, you'll know it."

Crabbe shrugged. "K whatever. Wanna get some Wendy's?"

Goyle nodded happily and they went to go get some yummy chicken sammiches.

"Does Draco really have to die?" Hermione asked Snape in their TIME ZONE.

"Obviously," Snape replied. "Harry will never let him live... Unless..."

"Unless what?"

"No, it's ... stupid..."

"Professor if there's ANY way we can avoid more death..."

Snape sighed. "Draco's DS Lite."

"DS Lite?"

"His Nintendo DS Lite. If he gave it to Harry, Harry would probably forgive him. They cost over $100 used now."

"I don't understand, Professor."

"They have GBA slots, Hermione, you can play Gameboy Advance and Gameboy Colour games on it without an emulator. There's no such thing as a Perfect Handheld, but the DS Lite comes damn close."

"And Harry wouldn't want to kill Draco anymore if he had one?"

"Not just any one, HIS. Harry would know then that Draco was truly sorry for what he'd done."

"Okay, so we should tell Draco to give it to Harry."

"It's too risky," sighed Snape. "Harry might attack Draco on sight. ON SIGHT. No, we'd need someone else to deliver it. Of course first, we need to get it from Draco and there's no guarantee that he'll be willing to part with it."

"Not even to save his own life?"

"Hermione, it natively supports 4 different game libraries. Do you understand? Thousands of games across twenty years."

"He could just get one of those retro android handhelds."

Snape slapped Hermione across her face.

"THINK, girl. What if he wants to play a DS game? What then? Show me the handheld with the dual-screen form factor. Or maybe you want him to play DS games on a single touchscreen? Hundreds of dollars for a single touchscreen, to play a single console library, with no guarantee that the emulation will be perfect? You're not THINKING, Miss Granger."

Hermione looked down at the ground. She hated being scolded.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

Snape nodded and touched her shoulder. "Good."

Ginny had almost finished consooming Ron when one of her tentacles reached inside his pocket, coming into contact with Harry's Pokemon Yellow cart.

The Sun energy Ron had poured into it early burned Ginny's tentacle, causing her to recoil in pain.

"YOOOWCH!" she screamed.

Thanks Pikachu, Ron thought.

His leg freed, Ron swiftly brought it to his chest like a coiling rattlesnake. He threw it out, kicking through Ginny's skull and exploding it like an overripe fruit.

Ron jumped up to his feet and started sprinting away. He knew that Ginny would recover before long. It was worse than he thought. She wasn't just being controlled by the Moon, she'd fully become a uh...Moonchild. An eldritch MOONSTROSITY. Ron needed to regroup, he couldn't fight her alone. Not without his friends. Not without Rei.

"RONAAAAAAAALD!" Ginny shrieked after him, her head having reformed.

Ron screamed his lungs out, he was so creeped out. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" he cried, booking it as fast as he could.

And of course, who else would he bump into, but HERMIONE GRANGER?

Two Prisons

Crabbe and Goyle didn't like the idea of letting Malfoy roam around free. Snape had assured them that he'd remain in the sewers, but how could they be so sure?

They couldn't be. So they stationed girls armed with SPAS-15s at all of the exit points of Malfoy's new home.

After a few days, the girls took initiative and set up permanent stations with sandbags, barbed wire, DShK emplacements, and cute and funny little apartments to house the guards. Malfoy wasn't going anywhere.

Nor did he want to. He lied sadly in a corner, playing his DS Lite, waiting to die. His plan of surviving off rats hadn't been going well-- the sewers of Hogvotos were quite clean. Clean enough for humans to live in but also too clean for rats or insects.

"I shouldn't have killed Parvati..." he mumbled miserably. "Ah geeze I fucking ruined my life..."

Poor Malfoy, he's just a victim of circumstance, a victim of the modern age! He still has so much to contribute to society, it'd be a waste to kill him! If we kill him, it's just as bad as him killing Parvati!

All of these untrue assertions were rejected by Harry Potter when Hermione was arguing for Malfoy's freedom back at Hogwarts.

Hermione had helped Ron escape from Ginny and now she was tryyyyyyyyyying to help MALFOY escape from JUSTICE.

"Hermione," yawned Harry. "I'm going to kill Draco. Don't try to stop me. He's been a nuisance for too long, and now he's a murderer."

"But Harry!"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I don't want to hear it, Hermione," Harry said, massaging his aching head. He walked away to the war room, and two Elite Slytherin Stormtroopers blocked Hermione from following him.

Hermione cussed and stomped away. Voldemort was watching her closely.

"Look at her, Delphi," Voldemort rasped. "Her humanitarianism is merely a thin facade. That is the woman who will kill Rei Jeong."

"I don't care," said Delphi.

Voldemort judo tripped his daughter. "You better start caring, Delphi! If Miss Jeong dies, Mister Weasley will never again be able to activate his powers. The Potter family alone will stand between the Earth and the Moon. Chen is growing quickly, but it'll take years for him to realize his full potential. We need Ron and Rei to help take some of the weight off of the Potters."

"Okay, whatever!" Delphi hissed, trying to get back to her feet. Voldemort placed on boot gently on her neck.

"Whatever nothing, my daughter!" he rasped. "Go pack a bag, because we're going to be monitoring Hermione to make sure she never gets the opportunity to kill Rei. We'll be using your Time Turner."

Delphi started crying in frustration. "I DON'T WANNAAAAA"

Voldemort lifted her up and patted her on the back. "Often we must do things that we'd rather not. But NEVERTHLESS, we must. We'll be glad we did in the long run," he rasped.

"Ay Tom," said Hagrid cheerfully, walking by.

Voldemort smiled broadly. "Hello, Rubeus!" he rasped.

He turned to see his daughter had run off. He rasped a sigh.

Somewhere else...

Parvati Patil opened her eyes.

"Ugh... Where am I?" she asked. Everything looked so grey, foggy. She was having a rough time getting a clear view of anything.

Some nerd in robes walked over to her and offered her a hand up.

"Who are you?" she asked, as the man pulled her to her feet."

"My name is Virgil."

"Okay."

Goyle called Harry on his Hogphone. So far it was the only handheld device capable of communication between Hogwarts and Hogvotos.

"Hey Goyle, how's everything going?"

"Good Harry, we should be back in a few weeks. Aronime will take over when we're gone."

"Good, good. So what's up, Goyle?"

"Harry, we uh, Snape has suggested that uh..."

"Out with it, Goyle."

"Do you want Malfoy's DS?"

"His DS Lite? Sure, I'll take it when he's dead if no-one else wants it."

"No I mean, Harry, what if Draco uh. Gave it to you?"

"Are you try to BRIBE me?"

"NO Harry."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I mean is MALFOY trying to bribe me?"

"I mean, that's a..."

"A fair assessment, I know," said Judge Jury Executioner Potter.

Goyle sighed. "I guess."

"How is he, Goyle? Is he still being guarded? He can't escape?"

"Yeah, Harry. I don't know, it's just uh..."

"Goyle, he swatted me. Okay? I already wanted to kill him. Then he MURDERED PARVATI PATIL. I didn't even really like her, but he's got to GOOOOOO now, you know that."

"I know Harry... I guess..."

"Goyle, at the chopping block, if Parvati Patil herself tells me to spare Malfoy's life, then I will. Otherwise, it's YOWF with his head."

"So you'll show me where I need to go?" Parvati asked Virgil.

The poet nodded and the two began their journey through Purgatorio.

DSscalation

"Oi 'Arry," said Ron, waltzing in to Harry's personal quarters. Ron was one of the few who were permitted to do so. Others would get the shit beaten out of them by the Slytherin Secret Service (SSS), and even if they did manage to get by them, the hexes Harry laid over his doorway would utterly ruin any hostile entity that came through.

"Oi, Ron," said Harry, looking up from his Nintendo New 3DS XL, not to be confused with the standard 3DS XL.

[Fun Story: when the Majora's Mask version first came out, stores sold out *instantly*, and I was worried that I'd miss out on them forever, so I paid like double, maybe $400 or $500 to a scalper for one. Of course a few days later some stores got more in stock and my friend nabbed one for the standard price, like $200. He taught me an important lesson about patience which I have still to this day never applied in my life.]

"Harry, I wanted to talk to you about Malfoy," Ron said.

Harry sighed and flipped his 3DS closed, conveniently suspending his game of Pokemon HeartGold.

"Ron, you too? Why is everyone giving me such a hard time about this?"

"Harry, we all used to be friends, remember? And now Malfoy's wasting away in a sewer."

"He's gone BAD, Ron. Whatever remains of that gay brainworm he had has completely changed him. He's totally unpredictable. He murdered Parvati, he swatted us, let's face it, he wants to rape that Ravenclaw guy, we can't have him around. And we can't just WASTE the Hogvotos girls' time having them guard him forever. He's gotta GYOOOOOOO."

"Okay Harry, but just hear me out..." Ron said, hands raised. He reached into his coat pocket and took out a smol black box.

"What's that?" asked Harry, getting up.

Ron held it out. "See for yourself."

Harry sighed and took it. "A DS Lite."

"Malfoy's DS Lite," Ron confirmed.

"So what? You told him your little plan to try to bargain for his life?"

Ron shook his head. "No, Harry! He gave it up on his own, without any suggestion from us whatsoever!"

Harry frowned. "Okay. So what are you thinking?"

"He's broken, Harry. He wants to die."

"Okay, then he can."

"Harry, I think he can be fixed. Now that Snape's disappeared, Malfoy is the senior Eldritch Hunter. No-one is more experienced in fighting HP Longbottom's kind than he is. We could really use his strength."

Harry sighed a gamer's sigh and flipped open Malfoy's DS Lite, inspecting it. Screens were in good shape, buttons and the d-pad weren't too lose. It wasn't perfect, but nothing ever is.

Everything will stop working one day.

"How do you plan on fixing him?" asked Harry.

Ron smiled, feeling encouraged.

"Hagrid believes that since Malfoy hasn't had access to Internet pornography, that his sexuality has started to heal and return to its natural state. The remnants of the Mugglepox Moon Variant are starving to death without porn."

"How can we know for certain? He tricked us with Parvati."

"I mean, no he didn't, no-one was really fooled by that. Except Parvati I guess."

Harry shrugged and nodded in agreement.

"But Pansy Parkinson has agreed to test Malfoy. No other girl knows him better, she'll know if he's faking it."

"She'll be risking her life," said Harry. "If something goes wrong, we may not be able to intervene in time."

Ron looked down. "She knows. But Harry... we all want to save Malfoy. He's such a pathetic wretch we can't stand it."

It was true. Someone had located Malfoy on the sewer's camera systems and everyone at Hogwarts had seen him curled up on the hard stone floor and crying like a dying animal as a flood of girl peelmao as an endless river of girl pee meandered by him. The scene was so miserable that it overshadowed Parvati Patil's death, which was by no means given insignificant attention.

Indeed Parvati herself, watching Malfoy from Purgatory, pitied the fool. However, she was glad to see that Draco had surrendered his one source of happiness in repentance. It seemed like she would no-longer have to somehow find a way back to life to save Malfoy from execution, and thank God because I did not feel like writing that.

The virtuous pagan urged her onward and they continued up the mountain of Purgatory.

Meanwhile, Harry had doned his executioner's outfit: an All-Night Mask and a cloak that was fuligin, the color that is darker than black. He took out the Sword of Gryfindor he'd long hidden away.

"Harry, please don't do this..." Cho whispered to him as they embraced.

Harry held the back of her head and spoke softly.

"I have to, he's a faggot."

Many wept as Harry walked through the portal to Hogvotos, with a cloaked figure following right behind him.

Ron stared after them with his arm awkwardly and uncomfortably around Rei's back. The consequences of short gf. He lifted it onto her head. Much better.

When Harry arrived at Hogvotos, the girls saluted him all the way to the sewers. He stood before Malfoy, whose eyes were dull, but not empty.

Harry unsheathed the Sword of Gryfindor.

"Any last words, Draco?" he asked.

"No..." Draco whispered. "Wait-- I... I'm sorry. For all that I've done... that's all."

Harry nodded. He placed a parcel at Malfoy's feet and walked back to the security station.

The cloaked figure remained behind, watching Malfoy.

Confused, Draco picked up the parcel and opened it. His Nintendo DS Lite was inside. Along with a copy of Pokemon Yellow, which it'd be able to play, despite there being 6+ years between their releases!

"I don't--" Malfoy started. He looked up at the cloaked figure, who'd unveiled themselves.

It was Pansy Parkinson in lingerie, looking like the kind of girl that makes a man want to slam his head through the wall for not having her. The kind to launch a thousand ships, to kill for, to die for.

Before Malfoy could protest, Pansy was upon him andlet's check in on Voldemort now.

"DELPHIIIII!" rasped Voldemort, searching through the Lake Base for his AWOL daughter.

"Hi Lord Voldemort!" said Jack.

"Oh, hello Jack, you haven't seen my daughter, have you?"

"No sir, but I wanted to give you this!" Jack presented Voldemort with the Time Turner.

"Ahh, excellent! Thank you so much, Jack!" Voldemort rasped. "Now if I could just find..."

Voldemort was interrupted by a vicious assault on his noggin'.

Delphi had struck him in the back of the head with a brick!

"Yowch!" rasped Voldemort, instinctively turning around and punching his assailant's lights out.

Delphi fell to the ground unconscious.

"Little idiot," rasped Voldemort rubbing his head. "Hang on, what's..."

He looked down to inspect the brick, and saw that it wasn't a brick after all, but a red Nintendo DS.

Back to Class

Voldemort decided to lock Delphi in a broom closet while he was away. He kept the red DS she's smashed over his head. Because of its clamshell design on top of its quality parts, the DS had sustained no damaged.

He acquisitioned 1 loaf of bread and 1 bucket from Supplies and tossed them in with her. He then asked Hagrid to make sure SOMEONE checked in on her and emptied her bucket every day.

"Harry, I don't know how long I'll be away for. You may see me quite soon, you may never see me again," Voldemort rasped as the two embraced.

"Don't say that, Voldemort--" Harry started.

"But I promise you, Harry. I will never let Hermione harm Miss Jeong. Please assure Mister Weasley."

"I will, Voldemort."

Voldemort smiled. "Cya... in time, Harry."

MeanwhiiiiiLe, Crabbe and Goyle were packing to head home. The girls of Hogvotos had learned enough to continue on by themselves. As originally predicted, in a manner of months, Hogvotos already rivaled Hogwarts in military might. Every one of the girls was as strong, or stronger, than Crabbe or Goyle. Their great work was finally complete.

MEEEEANWHILE,

Satisfied with Malfoy's reaction to having his bones jumped by Pansy Parkinson, Harry had allowed him to retvrn to Hogwarts.

"Oi don't loike it," grumbled Hagrid.

"He's a changed man, Hagrid," said Ron. "He went an entire week without watching porn."

"Oi thought it was 'sposed to be 3 months."

"It's forever, Hagrid," Ron said. "But you're right, at least 3 months is what we'd consider to be healed. We can't let Malfoy have his phone or computer back in the meantime, or he may very well relapse. In the meantime, we're hoping work and Pansy will be enough to distract him."

And there was MOoooooooooore than enough work! For here we go again, the Moon Prescence began raining down INCOMPREHENSIBLE STARCHILDREN on to Hogwarts like cannon fire.

"Shit!" cried Chen Potter, watching from the rooftop.

"LANGUAGE," said Cho Chang, tapping his head.

"Professor Flickmick, will the protection charms hold?" asked... it doesnt matter... Harry. Asked Harry.

"I believe so, Mister Potter! But not forever. I'll need to maintain them, so I must keep my strength up."

"Can we offer you anything? Food, women?"

"I just need to meditate in a uh... one of those Joe Rogan sensory deprevation tanks would work."

"That sounds expensive, would a broom closet work?"

"Delphi, you're free to go," said Draco Malfoy, yanking her out of the closet.

"Malfoy!" Delphi screamed. "Get away from me you sick--"

Malfoy took a wooden chair and broke it over Delphi's side. "I'm not that guy anymore, Delphi, I'm cured," he assured her. "So shut the fuck, clean this mess up, and go report to Hagrid."

Proffesor Flicmick came in.

"Will this do, professor?" asked Malfoy.

"It smells like shit in here," the professor complained.

"I'll get you an air freshener."

Flitwak walked away.

"Jack, oim glad I caught ya," said Hagrid, laying a big meaty paw on the Ravenclaw's shoulder.

"Oh hai Hagrid. What can I do for you?"

"Can you look into consolidatin' some o our supplies? Just cleaning ones. We need to free up some more rooms. We keep using the same broom closet as a holding cell and it's just not ideal."

"Sure thing, Hagrid."

Malfoy walked over, with Pansy Parkinson under his arm. Hagrid stepped aside, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Jack," said Malfoy.

"Hey Draco."

"Jack, I wanted to apologize--"

Jack held up his hand. "It's okay, Draco. I know you had a brain worm. You weren't yourself." He smiled at Draco, and for the first time in a long time, that didn't make Malfoy want to fuck him.

Malfoy smiled back, and Pansy, pleased, rubbed his back gently.

But no-one was more pleased than Hagrid, who had to turn away from the scene. Draco Malfoy was back.

"Oight, ladies and gents," announced Crabbe. "We'll be leaving the Lake Base to return to Hogwarts TO.DAY. Pack your things, Chen Potter has declared that classes will be resuming. A few SS and Ravennerds will be maintaining the base, but das IT."

"If you don't already know that you're supposed to stay, it means you're leaving," Goyle finished.

"Great, CLASSES," grumbled Malfoy, walking away with Pansy.

"Don't worry, Draco," Pansy giggled. "I'll... help you study."

Crabbe and Goyle, despite making the announcement, were part of the crew who were ordered back to Hogwarts.

"Chen said our education had to be continued," Crabbe explained, handing Goyle the letter. "It's really an honor, it means he sees more potential in us."

"Honor schmonor," Goyle crumbled the paper. "We're at war, we're supposed to be going to school like everything's normal?"

"Yes," answered Chen Potter, who apparated right up in their grills. The two jumped up and saluted.

Chen went on. "It was where Rowling failed. The star of the books was always Hogwarts. The series was good when it was a school story. You should have never abandoned everything to fight Voldemort. Just like in World War 2, you fought the wrong enemy."

"Sir!" answered Crabbe and Goyle. The PRESSURE from Chen Potter's magical power was already so much greater than theirs it was unreal. It commanded respect.

"Leave the security of Hogwarts to Professor Flictyik and myself. In a worst-case scenario, we can now request reinforcements from Hogvotos. Though I'd obviously prefer not to have to resort to that."

"Yes, sir!"

"Professors Snape and Dumbledore are still missing, Voldemort's gone after Hermione. We're too weak to launch another assault against the Moon Presence. But what we can do, is defend our territory and grow stronger. Strong enough to win on our own. I hope you understand my decision."

"SIR, YES SIR!"

Meanwhile, Harry Potter was playing video games in his old dorm room.

"Harry," nagged Cho, stepping in front of his Sony Trinitron. "Don't you want to get ready to start attending classes again?"

"You're so lucky you're hot or I'd put you through the wall," replied Harry, pulling her down onto him. He continued using the controller around her back.

"Harry I'm serious, Chen thinks none of us have reached our full potential yet."

"I'm not going to be INSTRUCTED by my own son, Cho. I'm the greatest freakin wizard alive today."

"Harry he's the Hapamage, he knows what he's talking about."

"You think he's stronger than me, don't you?" laughed Harry in DISBELIEF. "You think he's the greatest wizard in the world, and a week ago he was sucking on your tit."

"So were you."

"Don't staaaaht with me, Cho," Harry sighed. He dropped the controller and lied down.

Cho lowered herself as well. "He's only great because he's your son, Harry."

"Your damn right." Harry paused. "How's his aging? Stabilized?"

"The Ravenclaws think so. He'll probably have a growth spurt in a few years."

"That's my boy. Aaaaalright," Harry groaned, pulling himself up. He started looking around his dorm for his school supplies. "Where's my... freakin... there... dragonhide gloves... cauldron, where's my cauldron?"

Cho shrugged.

"I bet Ron has it, that moaaaaahhhh... okay, I'm gonna go see Ron. You coming?"

Cho smiled and took his arm.

Harry Potter, the Man Who Lives, walked through the Grifs common room and kicked open the Portrait of the Fat Lady(reprint).

Outside in the hall, a few students were playing Chocolate Frogs: The Gathering, a new trading card game that took all the fun of the old collectible Wizard cards, and tacked on the misery of a strategic card game. An owl flew by and took a shit on someone's deck, on purpose.

Harry smiled. "It's good to be back."

Circus

HP Longbottom was not a happy camper.

The Moon Presence ... Presence. Presence. Not prescence. Over a dozen times in this retarded story, I've mispelled Presence.

Those were not my thoughts, but the thoughts of HP Longbottom as he desperately tried to continue writing his Necronomicon. He needed to complete it to please the Moon Presence so >she would give him more power. But he had an incomprehensible case of cosmic horror writer's block.

Neville was hiding in the attic of a Diagon Alley home owned by a male feminist/Moon Worshipper sympathetic to his cause. With nothing but his trusty ballpoint pen, and the Voldemort Toilet Diary he mistakenly believed was the Necronomicon, Neville knew he could change the world through the power of words. For the better.

Once he found a publisher, Neville knew that the Necronomicon would become the top-selling book in the world, and then, of ALL TIME.

With his 3rd eye, Neville saw a future where every hotel room contained not a Bible, but a Necronomicon. A future where bright-eyed youngsters would have their eyes darkened in mandatory public schools that taught the COLD HARD SCIENTIFIC TRUTH about the Universe: that there's no God and when you die, THAT'S IT!!!!! but there *ARE* *ALIEN* GODS, powerful FEM and ACE(ASEXUAL) ones who know that Patriarchy is illogical and bad and that women can do anything men can do and sex and gender are different and gender is how you identify yourself and the self-identification of folx, particularly folks of Colour, is how reality is dictated. All of these very true and real scientific facts being accepted would finally bring humanity closer to becoming a Type III civilization, where BIPOCS of Colour will finally be free of the chains of Christianity which has for so long prevented them from traveling the stars in environmentally-conscious spaceships made of living trees, like in the Hyperion books.

Neville balled his fists with rage at the thought of all the scientific progress that's been stifled by religious idiots, especially Christians in the DARK AGES, who for 500 years systemically and systematically murdered every single person who ever had a good idea, which is why absolutely-literally nothing was learned or changed in any way from the years 500 to 1000AD!!

Neville threw his pen against the wall in anger and opened up his phone to look at his favorite painting of the feminist icon Hypatia, the First Woman to Ever Do Math, who was brutally murdered by Christians for doing math and being smart.

He began performing an evidence-based manifestation ritual to END religion once and for all. His moans were drowned out by a passing magical traveling circus performing just next door.

Flying bears. Firebreathing clowns. 3-headed dogs backflipping through hoops. Giant mentally-retarded strongmen performing superhuman feats of strength, like lifting 130lb+ women.

"Careful with that, sir! That's an Inland Taipan, the most venomous snake in the world!" cried a dork to a schizophrenic old jewish wizard who was handling the snake with his bare hands.

"Not to worry, gay boy, not to worry, watch THIS!" assured the snake handler, pressing the snake's head against his hand.

The Inland Taipan bit the jew, injecting him with enough venom to kill 100 men.

"AHHHH! Sir, sir, we need to get you to the hospital right now! You need antivenom!"

"Wah ha ha haaah!" laughed the snake handler, delighting in the spectator's fear. "Antivenom is for pussies!"

He held out his hand to the onlooker, revealing that the venom was gushing back out of the bite!

"A bit of the old tribal magic." He winked. "My blood is so cursed, the venom wants nothing to do with it! See?" He collected the venom in a small capsule and held it out for the dork. "Yours for only 17 She-- I mean, Sickles."

After paying up, the dork walked away happily with his vial of rare venom, eager to bring it to the local lab. When he was a good distance away, the "Inland Taipan" then changed back to his true form: a man remarkably similar to the snake handler. The two laughed and did a little dance together.

Needless to say, the venom was not real, and would be of no use in the production of lifesaving antivenom. 17 Sickles well spent.

The Circus Arcanus truly never disappointed.

"Harry, package for you," said Cho, tossing Harry an Amazon box.

"I don't remember ordering anything..." Harry opened the box. He pulled out a strange looking metal belt.

"What is this?"

"Don't you remember?" asked Cho. "You ordered that utility belt. Months ago."

Harry put the belt on. "Oh yeahh... what are these instructions, Chinese?" He passed Cho the slip that contained a number of moon runes along with a promise of a partial-refund in exchange for a 5-star review on Amazon.

"Yeah, but I can't read it."

Harry sighed. "What's even the point of you being Chinese?"

Ron and Rei arrived just in time to distract Cho.

"Oi 'Arry."

"Oi, Ron, check out my new utility belt," Harry said, pulling back his robes.

Ron whistled. "Faaancy. What can it do?"

"I'm not sure yet," Harry said turning away. He pressed a button on the buckle and a grappling hook launched fired out of it, embedding in the shoulder of an unfortunate passerby.

"YAAAHHHH!" the Hufflepuff screamed. "AAAAAAHHHHH HELP ME, GET IT OUT! AHHHH!"

"If you don't let go of your shoulder..." Ron grunted, trying to yank the metal talons out of him. Thankfully, they hadn't locked open, so there probably wouldn't be a need to amputate.

"Here, I'll uh... no, no, move," Harry and Ron began tending to the poor fuck. Rei led Cho away.

"How's Chen doing?" Rei asked.

"I haven't seen him all day," Cho sighed. "He's hardly been alive for a month and he's already more mature than Harry. I feel like... I'm not even his mother."

Rei shook her head. "Don't say that. He's the Hapamage, he's not like other kids. But you're still his mother."

Cho smiled and looked down. "Thank you... So, how about you and Ron?"

Rei's face flushed. "W-what? What about us?"

Before Cho could answer, a triumphant "YAAAAH!" told them that Ron and Harry had succeeded in pulling out the grappling hook from the Hufflepuff's shoulder.

Harry slipped the kid a few golden Galleons in exchange for his silence.

Ron jogged over to the girls happily. "The key was to lock the claws back down, they'd partially opened on the side that went through. It came right out!"

Cho smiled. "That's good to hear, Ron," she responded as Harry arrived and put his arm around her.

"So what were you two talking about?" asked Harry.

Rei and Cho exchanged glances and answered in unison. "Our periods."

Harry laughed and nodded, giving Cho a kiss on the forehead. "Yeah I know you guys think that grosses men out, but it doesn't really, so you're not off the hook at all. You can tell us later though, let's get to Potion class."

"Afterwards, can we go to the circus before they leave?" asked Rei. Ron and Harry nodded their approval.

"I wonder who the new profesor is since Snape's gone," Ron said as they arrived in the dungeons.

They received their horrible answer when they opened the door to Snape's old classroom.

"Everyone take your seats," said Helena Bonham Carter.

Potions Class

Helena Bonham Carter wasn't a good potions teacher.

"WHY is Helena Bonham Carter the new potions professor?" whispered Draco.

"HEY BE QUIET IN MY CLASSROOM!" yelled Helena and she threw a vat of acid at Draco. Draco dodged it gracefully, letting it land on some extremely unfortunate Hufflepuff girl behind him.

Thankfully, because having acid thrown on your face was becoming so part and parcel in the UK, people were developing a natural immunity to it. The girl's face burned only slightly and she'd quickly make a full recovery, instead of being deformed so nightmarishly for the rest of her life that it'd make a person want to take serious action against the politicians that allowed it to happen.

"HEY!" roared Harry Potter, jumping up from his seat.

"Harry, don't--" Cho whispered, touching his arm.

But before Harry do anything else, Ron Weasley had already run to the front of the classroom and punched Helena Bonham Carter in the face. A no-nonsense hook to the jaw that sent her crashing to the floor.

"Ron!" cried Rei. "Be careful, she might have AIDS!"

Harry tossed his dragonhide gloves to Ron, who began putting them on. Some of the other students protested, but they were silenced by Cho, who was the Class President.

"Helena isn't the real potions instructor," Cho said. "I don't know where she came from."

"This must be Hermione's doing!" growled Harry, fists balled. Harry was still upset that one of the Infinite Hermiones had taken Severus Snape, his father, for some unknown reason. And NOW one of the Hermiones was apparently trying to SABOTAGE Hogwarts by placing unqualified ACTORS in actual teaching rolls? What was going ON HERE?

Good question, Harry, rasped Voldemort, communicating with him telepathically.

Voldemort! What are you doing here? And do you remember if in prior instances of telepathic communication we've followed the "no quotation mark" style that's done for internal dialogue? I want to be consistent.

I don't remember Harry, admitted Voldemort, s-- forget it. "Sorry. Anyway, Harry, I believe I'm on the tail of the Hermione who's taken your father!"

"REALLY! That's great, Voldemort!" said Harry, both telepathically and out-loud making everyone look at him like he was insane.

"It's not great, Harry!" rasped Voldemort. "Hermione and Severus are... they're... um..."

"Oh no."

"Harry--"

"Please no."

"Harry, you must listen!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Harry yelled, hanging up on him. He kicked Helena Bonham Carter in the ribs and stormed away.

"Harry!" cried Cho. "What's wrong?"

"I think my father is fucking Hermione."

"Which one?" asked Cho.

"The 'Trust the Plan' one."

"Okay, well she's good isn't she?"

"I don't care, it's still Hermione!"

"What, do you still have feelings for her?"

"FEELINGS for her?" laughed Harry. "LMAO she's an insufferable bitch. I NEVER liked her, it was just convenient to take out my frustrations on her sometimes. Before I... had you."

"What about Ginny?" asked Cho.

"Who?"

Cho smiled because she knew that Harry sincerely had no clue who the hell she was talking about. She went on.

"Anyway, so what's wrong with your dad being with Hermione?"

"He's my FATHER, Cho," Harry said. "I love him with all my heart, and I don't want to see him hurt by a conniving little fucking Delilah-ass life-ruining feminist nightmare bitch. She's probably going to goad and henpeck him into shouting at her and then accuse him of abusing her on Hogger."

Cho was silent. Because she knew it was true.

No-one had more followers on Hogger than Hermione did. Her 3-hour video explaining why the Wizarding World was in "late stage Capitalism" and that a "revolution" led by Muggles of Colour (MOC) was inevitable had gone ULTRA VIRAL, netting her hundreds of thousands of comrades from around the globe. Every Hog Hermione posted got at least 1,000 Likes and ALL feared being ratioed by her.

To be called out by Hermione on Hogger was a social death sentence.

But Cho was optimistic.

"Harry, the Hermione that your dad's with wouldn't do something like that. Remember she helped us capture Whitemione in Hogvotos?"

Harry frowned like the Angry Video Game Nerd and stared at the ground. "I'm not so sure. Voldemort told me something interesting. He said that all of different times are connected, they all affect each other. And he..." Harry stopped.

"He what?" asked Cho.

"He told me that one of the Hermiones wants to kill Rei."

"What! How does-- why would she do something like that?" She looked over her shoulder to see Rei joyfully playing a game of Chocolate Frogs: The Gathering with Ron.

"She wants Ron for herself. So she can create a Child of the Sun with him. Once the baby's born, she'll torture Ron for the rest of his life by being his 'partner' and gameifying their marital life. She'll make him get a vasectomy and she'll have an eternally-refilling list of little chores to keep him busy 24 hours a day 7 days a week so he never has a moment's fucking peace to think or pray or do anything that makes him truly happy, all the while holding a threat of financially devastating divorce over his head so he can never refuse her."

Cho realized that she'd started crying for Ron. Harry wiped her cheek.

"Harry, I--"

Harry put his finger over her lips, then kissed her. "I'm not worried about you, Cho. You are not Hermione. Hermione is not a woman, she's a serpent."

"AYYY did someone say serpent?" asked Draco Malfoy, swaggering over.

The couple turned to him. "Oi Draco," said Harry. "You look like you're in a good mood."

"Harry, I've regained my ability to turn into a basilisk lol" said Malfoy. "Isn't that tits?"

"I both forgot you even had that ability and never knew that you lost it," admitted Harry.

"Yeah well, when I was uh... you know, having my ISSUES, I couldn't manage it. But it looks like the spirit of Slytherin's returned to me! Check this shit out."

Before their eyes, Draco turned into a friggin basilisk. Striking like lightning, he sank his fangs into Helena Bonham Carter's torso.

The immediate look of agony on the gothic hag's face froze as the basilisk venom petrified her.

Draco resumed his human form. "Eh?"

Harry and Cho clapped. "Very cool, Draco," said Harry. "We should bring her to the CIA enhanced interrogation room to unpetrify her and learn who exactly sent her here. My bet's on Hermione, but I'd like to know HOW she got in to the school."

Draco saluted and with a rope tied around Helena's foot, dragged her away.

"Now, what should we do about potions class?" asked Cho. "Chen wanted all the classes to be started back up."

Harry yawned. "Whatever. Potions. Who even needs them?" He reentered the classroom. Most of the students were still just dicking around doing nothing.

"Attention everyone," said Harry Potter. "Potions is cancelled because I don't care. This class is now DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS, and *I*, Harry Potter, will be your instructor!"

And with that, Harry began casting mild Crucio curses at all of the students, just giving them enough pain to get the heart beating. Get a little adrenaline rushing, live a little for once.

Rei and Ron were still playing Chocolate Frogs: The Gathering. "Harry, do you want us to join?" Ron called over.

"No Ron, I want you to enjoy your time with Rei," Harry called back.

Ron smiled. "Thanks, Harry!"

"It may not last forever..." Harry whispered softly.

And as Harry turned back around, WHO ELSE would be standing before him but Hermione, glaring at him with an incomprehensibly bitchy bitchface.

Hermione's Plan

Harry shoved Hermione into Snape's inner office.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you right now," he growled.

Hermione smirked, so annoyingly calm and sure of herself, that Harry didn't even wait for her answer. He Avada Kedavra-palmed her forehead, exploding her head into a million smug chunks.

"Never mind," said Harry. As he turned to leave, Snape and Hermione appeared before him.

"Bwah!" cried Harry, jumping back.

"I knew it was a good idea to send in an Expendable Hermione to take the brunt of your wrath," said Snape.

"Dad! What are you doing here? With HER?" demanded Harry.

"Harry, listen to me closely," said Severus. "You must aid Hermione in her mission to kill Rei Jeong!"

"WAT! Never!" yelled Harry.

"Listen to me, boy!" growled Snape, taking Harry by the throat. "It's our only hope of stopping HP Longbottom!"

"That's retarded, it makes no sense!" protested Harry.

"Harry I promise it does make sense, just LISTEN to Hermione. OK?"

Harry respected his father's wishes.

Hermione began yapping.

"First of all, Rei will not be harmed."

"Killing her won't harm her?" asked Harry skeptically.

"No. Rei isn't HUMAN, Harry. She's..."

"She's what?" demanded Harry.

"Rei doesn't know it, but she is an angel," answered Snape. "Sent by God to save Ron's eternal soul, by giving him an escape from Hermione. An escape which might have otherwise come in the form of a mortal sin."

"Yeah, that makes sense," admitted Harry. Hermione was such a fucking bitch it didn't seem at all unlikely that God would bless Ron after all the suffering Hermione had put him through. "But so why do you want to fake-kill her?"

"Harry, Ron hates me," said Hermione.

"Yes."

"But he doesn't hate me enough."

"So you wantt to kill Rei, to make him hate you more, for the purpose of..."

"His hatred is blocking his chakra paths, Harry."

"Uh huh," said Harry. "So what?"

"So me killing Rei will probably cause him to unleash his hatred, clearing his chakra network and unlocking his full potential! Think of how much easier it'll be to finally defeat HP Longbottom!"

"Uh huh," Harry said, now bored and sitting against the wall. "So why don't you go do it?"

Hermione grimaced. "I..."

Snape finished for her. "She can't do it. Rei is too powerful for her to approach."

"Whatever," said Harry.

"No, NOT whatever, Harry!" bitched Hermione. "YOU have to kill Rei while disguised as me! Rei's magical pressure doesn't repel you as it does me."

Without hesitation, Harry said "No."

"What do you mean 'no!'" cried Hermione.

"What do you think I meant you idiot? Rei's my friend and Ron's like my brother, I'd NEVER betray them!"

Snape hid his smile expertly. He was so proud of his son for rejecting Hermione's plan, even if it would work.

Hermione protested. "Harry we TOLD YOU, she won't even be harmed! She'll probably be revived in minutes!"

"Nah it's still not right," said Harry. "What if I told you her plan and then she could allow you to approach her?"

"Harry she'd never trust me!" hissed Hermione. "She'd just think I was making the whole thing up to get back together with Ron!"

"Oh yeah, that's a possibility," said Harry. "I now believe that's what you're doing."

Snape stepped in. "Harry, I promise you--"

Harry glared at him. "I love you, Dad," he said. "But how can I trust you now that you've been boning Hermione? Of all women on this planet, HERMIONE? For all I know she's infected you with the Moon Presence!"

Snape frowned. He couldn't prove Harry wrong. He was INDEED slamming Hermione nightly, but for no reason other than to lower his stress as they traveled through time together hunting the countless daughters and trans-daughters of the Moon Presence.

"How did you know?" asked Snape. "About us."

Harry smirked his own mighty smirk. "I have eyes everywhere." He wouldn't give up Voldemort, even though he wasn't sure that Snape had become compromised. The less Hermione knew about basically anything, the better off they all were.

"I gotta get back now," said Harry. "Come up with a less-stupid plan to unlock Ron's chakra. Or don't, I don't care, we're going to kill Neville either way."

Harry hugged his father and harshly pushed Hermione to the side as he exited the office.

"Do you SEE the way I get treated?" hissed Hermione. Snape looked at her, or rather looked through her. How could such a decent-looking young woman be so completely unlikeable? It didn't make any sense. He'd feel better about her later, when he was on top of her, but until then, every moment looking at her or listening to her was like torture. Was this the power of the Moon Presence?

Ron and Draco had just lost their favorite cards to Rei in a 2v1 game of Chocolate Frogs: The Gathering.

Ron had lost Gilderoy Lockhart, who ironically was one of the most powerful cards in the game. Draco had lost Merlin, whom he loved because Merlin was a well-known pureblood-supremacist.

"Thanks nerds!" Rei giggled happily collecting her prizes. She was so FUCKING cute they couldn't be mad.

Harry squinted for some kind of halo over Rei's head, but saw nothing but the shine from her oily hair.

Nah, there's no way, he thought to himself. Hermione just wants to kill her so she can ruin Ron's life. I won't let her. But I guess I should tell her what happened.

Before Harry could call out, Hermione descended from the ceiling like Sephiroth and stabbed Rei through the back with a long Japanese nodachi.

Kongbottom

"The Cosmos is also within us, we're MADE of starstuff!" sang HP Longbottom, dancing in joy. The news that Rei Jeong had been killed by Hermione had traveled quickly to him via Aragog's children. He turned on his favorite "Science ROCKS!" playlist to celebrate.

"The beauty of a living thing is not the atoms that go into it! But the way those atoms are put together!" he cried alongside an autotuned Carl Sagan.

Carl Sagan was one of HP Longbottom's greatest heroes. He hadn't done as much work for Gender and Racial Equity as legends like Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson, but he was at least way smarter than your average white person.

Neville couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so euphoric. Now that Rei Jeong was dead, that chud nazi Ron Weasley would surely lose all of his power! He'd make an easy target. And once Ron was out of the way, Harry fucking Potter would be that much easier to get to...

"Sex Junk" by Rachel Bloom started playing and Longbottom began breakdancing. The part where she says "If they're alive I'll date them, I'm down for anything" was so scientific and sexy that Neville almost had an orgasm right then and there. However, he knew his place as a white male, and that it was more than a little problematic to use a woman's voice without her consent. He hopped on to Hogger to reach out to Rachel and tell her how badass he thought she was for sticking it to the gender binary.

However, when he went to Rachel Bloom's Hogger profile, he was met with the most horrifying thing he'd ever seen in his life.

Her profile banner had been replaced with a picture of Elon Musk smiling. He was holding up Rachel's decapitated head in one hand, and in the other he held a sign saying "there are only two genders"

Neville screamed and closed the tab.

"WHAT-- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" he cried. He dove for his phone and swept left on his homescreen to his personalized Google News widget.

The first headline he saw was "MAGA TERRORISTS ATTACK WIZARDING WORLD".

"No, this can't be happening!" he screamed, opening the article.

After hearing about the assassination of Rei Jeong, Elon Musk had pledged his support to Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, and declared "Total Mooner Death". He then PERSONALLY began using his social network, Twitter, to track down and kill Moon Worshippers! And not only that, but SpaceX was now preparing to destroy the Moon!!!

Neville jumped down out of the attic of his comrade's house and without a word dashed into the street, where riots were already beginning.

To try to affect social justice, Neville stopped and threw a brick through Ollivander's window, fleeing before the old Karen could call the Aurors on him.

"What am I going to do!" Longbottom sobbed when he made it out of town. He fell to his knees, raising his arms to the sky. "Oh Moon Presence, I know I'm insignificant and life has no meaning, that's obviously true! But since we create our own meaning, the meaning I've created has been to follow your guidance! Won't you show me the way? Give me strength to end racism and transphobia, especially trans-femphobia!"

The Moon Presence, even with Elon Musk breathing down >her neck, heard and answered HP Longbottom's antiprayer.

A river of tentacles rained down on Neville, enveloping him and finding their way inside of him to give him the Moon Presence's Gift.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaah!!!" Neville shrieked in euphoric agony.

After the last tentacle had disappeared inside of him, Neville Longbottom was now the size of King Kong.

"BEHOLD!" he laughed deeply. "I AM THE EMBODIMENT OF EQUITY. REPRESENTATION HAS NEVER BEEN MORE IMPORTANT!"

Neville Kong kicked his foot through someone's house. "I STAND IN SOLIDARITY WITH ALL OF MY BLACK AND BROWN FEM-BROTHERS AND SISTERS AROUND THE WORLD!!!"

"What is that thing?!" cried some random witch, pointing at HP Kongbottom.

She was answered by a mysterious guy in a leather trenchcoat. He opened it up, and he was wearing 6 guns like Il Duce in Boondock Saints.

"It's my prey," said Gilderoy Lockhart.

Reiturn

"Harry! Harry open the door!" said Cho Chang, banging on the door to Harry's private dorm.

No voice responded, but she received a text a moment later.

"Stomach. Can't talk"

"Harry, we were supposed to have dinner with my parents tonight!" Cho complained.

Another text: "Sorry. Hurts too much."

"Harry, I thought you weren't a self-insert!"

"?"

"Harry you can't keep putting off meeting my parents!"

"Next time promise.give them my love"

Cho let out a frustrated sigh and walked off. Crabbe and Goyle nodded respectfully as she passed them.

"Harry's out of commission today," noted Crabbe.

"First Ron, now this," replied Goyle.

"How's the Wease holding up?"

"Still in bed depressed. Won't talk to anyone. Not even Harry."

"Poor guy. He really loved her didn't he?"

The two thought of Rei Jeong, who'd all too soon been taken from not just Ron, but all who knew and loved her, by Hermione Granger, the biggest bitch on the planet.

"After it happened, Harry said it was some grand plan of Hermione's. It was supposed to awaken Ron's rage, and Rei was supposed to just... get back up or something," Crabbe sighed, as the two sat down.

Goyle grabbed a book off the table and began flipping through it. "What a fuckin shock that one of Hermione's plans didn't pan out."

Draco Malfoy waltzed into the common room. "Sup fags?" he asked, dropping into a recliner.

"Harry's sick. Stomach ache or something."

"I thought he wasn't a self-insert," said Draco.

"What does that mean?"

"Anyway, I hope he gets well soon, because HP Longbottom's destroying Diagon Alley. Did you hear about that?"

Crabbe nodded. "Yeah, what is he, HP Kongbottom now?"

"Yeah. He's friggin huge. Not even in my basilisk form would I be able to take him down," said Draco. "Thank God Flickmick's charms are strong enough to keep him out. Probably. I feel bad for everyone stuck in Diagon Alley though."

"Strange how no one suffers more from 'anti-fascist protests' than low-income neighborhoods," Crabbe noted.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Yeah, really 'strange'. Anyway, we've got an agent out there who's supposed to take him down. At least drive him off."

"Oh yeah, who?" asked Goyle.

Gilderoy Lockhart was dodging all of Kongbottom's punches and kicks with the grace of an anime character. In fact, he actually had the Vertical Manuevering Equipment from Attack on Titan, and was using it as skillfully as Levi Ackerman.

Aim for the nape, aim for the nape, Lockhart thought to himself, flying around behind Kongbottom.

Sensing Gilderoy's intentions, Neville held his hand up behind his neck.

DAMN! though Lockhart, who'd already committed to the attack. He drew two Walther PDPs, one black and one White, which he named Ebony and Ivory, and mag dumped into Neville's hand. His aim was so dead-on, that with every two shots, he made a hole through Neville's hand, and then directly through the initial hole and into his neck.

"WAOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHRRR!" Kongbottom roared and swatted him away. "YOU'RE FUCKING A WHITE MAAAAALE!!"

Lockhart landed decently with his feet against a tree, but knew he had to disengage to reload. He fired his VME at Ollivander's shop and flew up to the roof.

"No no no! Don't bring him over here!" Ollivander cried, throwing wands up at him.

"Sorry old timer!" Lockhart apologized quickly getting in two fresh magazines. He launched off again just as Kongbottom slammed his hand down, destroying Ollivander's ceiling.

"Mother FUCKER!" Ollivander yelled, escaping his collapsing store. "I'm just a poor shop owner!"

"POOR? YOU ARE STILL A MEMBER OF THE BOURGEOISIE," roared Kongbottom. "YOUR EMPLOYEES SLAVE AWAY WHILE YOU TAKE THE LION'S SHARE OF THEIR LABOUR."

"I don't HAVE any employees you miserable fuck! Whooaaaaa!" Ollivander screamed as Lockhart nabbed him and pulled him away before Kongbottom squashed him with his big boot.

Gilderoy placed Ollivander down a safe distance away, but when he turned, Kongbottom was stomping away.

"Dammit," hissed Lockhart. He'd succeeded in driving Kongbottom away, his mission was complete. But he wanted to kill Neville. He didn't like his prey escaping from him.

He turned to Ollivander. "Let's go back to your shop and see what we can salvage. I'm going to need a few things."

Neville was seething. His hands and neck were all shot full of holes. That little flying incel had almost destroyed his NAPE, which, even though it wouldn't kill him, it would still really suck.

His wounds burned him, and Neville knew that they must have been dipped in Holy Water. That is to say, regular water that stupid Xtians think is magical but isn't actually special at all. Neville chuckled to himself. If only those fools knew what the Universe REALLY was like.

Dammit, the wounds still burned though.

He'd have to hold off his assault on Hogwarts. For now. At least he'd managed to bash some fash in Diagon Alley. Now that most of the stores there were utterly-destroyed, underserved queer and black businessfolk could come in and open their own shops, for the good of The People! Neville closed his eyes and smiled at the thought of a brand new and improved Diagon Alley, without any white people or racism to be seen!

Something was wrong though. The Kongbottom began to find himself shrinking, back down to his normal size!

"FUCK! What the FUCK!!!" he cried.

Hermione had the exact same sentiment over her stupid plan failing.

"You should have foreseen this possibility," said Snape. "Instead of driving Ron into a rage, Miss Jeong's death has broken his will to live entirely."

"What DEATH!" hissed Hermione. "She was SUPPOSED to come BACK!"

Snape shrugged. "Your hunch that she was an angel appears to have been--"

Hermione smacked Snape across the face. "I'M NOT WRONG! DON'T YOU *EVER* TELL ME I'M WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING!"

Snape ignored his stinging cheek and went on. "For whatever reason, Miss Jeong has *not* returned to life."

Hermione sat down on the couch inside of their Time-Turner uh... ...what do i want to do here... okay let's give them a Time Machine. The TTTM, a Time Machine that Hermione and Snape built over her Time Turner. It was one of a kind, probably, and gave this of the Infinite Hermiones an edge over all the others. Probably.

Hermione thought for a second. "Maybe she needs three days like what's-His-face..."

"Jesus?" asked Snape.

"Yeah, him."

Snape sat down next to her. "Jesus didn't NEED three days, He d--"

"OKAY WHATEVER THE REASON" hissed Hermione, "Maybe she needs time to return to life! Maybe she's DOING SOMETHING, you know..." she made a vague gesture at the sky.

"Perhaps."

"Well, how can we get her to hurry up?" asked Hermione.

Snape clasped his hands in prayer.

"Uh no, I'm not religious," said Hermione.

"It would be good for you," replied Snape.

"Good for ME?" she scoffed, prepared as always to list all of Snape's sins.

"Good for everyone."

"I'm not having this conversation," Hermione got up. "YOU go pray to Rei or Jesus or whatever, I'M going to go do something USEFUL."

As she walked into the other room, Snape did indeed pray for strength and forgiveness for making that annoying bitch scream every night outside of marriage. Also he asked for some kind of SIGN, anything to let them know if Ron's precious Korean gf would be retvrning to them.

When he was done, Snape decided to relax a little before dealing with Hermione and her voice more. He took out his phone and went to YouTube. A new Brandon Herrera video was up. About the USAS-12. A shotgun designed in the U.S., but...

"Manufactured in Korea," Snape whispered.

Harry crawled out of bed to get some antacid tablets from his dresser. "My fucking life," he moaned. He turned around and gasped.

Rei stood before him. Her beloved hoodie, normally pretty grimey, was now immaculate white. The halo he'd looked for days earlier was now resting just over her hair, which, though still messy, was messy in an indescribably beautiful way. A pair of wings rose up over her shoulders.

Harry was speechless. Which was good, because his tummy still hurt and he didn't want to talk that much anyway.

"Harry," Rei said.

"Hermione was right," Harry whispered.

"No Harry, Hermione's an idiot," answered Rei. "I wasn't an angel. But when she killed me, I became one."

"Ah," said Harry. "So in her defense, it was basically a foolproof plan."

Rei shook her head. "Uh no, because now poor Ronnie's depressed without me."

Harry took 3 of the 4 tablets he could take at once and crunched them down, chasing them with an entire bottle of water.

"Sorry," he said. "Anyway Ron's right next door, go visit him!"

"I can't, Harry!" Rei said. "Ron's having a crisis of faith right now, if I just appear to him, it's basically cheating."

"Sucks."

"Yeah, 'sucks'," Rei reipiled dryly. "But you're his fren, Harry. Can't you go and help him to trust in the Lord?"

Harry shook his head and hands "Ehhhahdunno, I don't really... I'm not really cut out for uh, preaching or whatever."

"Harry..." Rei started to protest.

This conversation was captured by Chen Potter, who, like a little ninja had previously snuck into his father's bedroom and placed a surveillance camera to find out where Harry had hidden his Nintendo Switch when he grounded him for backtalking him.

"Here," Chen said, holding up a flash drive with a copy of the recording of Rei and Harry to Ron. "We don't have TIME for this, so just watch this."

"What is it..." Ron mumbled from his bed.

Chen Potter yoinked the covers off of him and demanded he get out his laptop.

Reluctantly, Ron did so and as soon as the video started playing, tears streamed from his eyes.

"Rei..."

Against the Family

A jolt immediately went through Rei's head. "Ah fug, he knows. Never mind," she told Harry.

She walked through the wall. "Ronnieeee!" she sang happily.

Ron pounced her like a lion. Unfortunately he flew right through her and crashed into the wall.

"Sorry Ronnie!" Rei cried. "I have to turn it off and on."

She jumped on his back and all was right with the world again.

Meanwhile, Pansy Parkinson was fighting with Draco Malfoy. So all was not actually right with the world.

"You never have time for me!" Pansy nagged.

"I've got wooooork!" Draco said like Tony Soprano, pinching his fingers.

"Oh WORK, but you had plenty of time to be chasing FEMBOYS at WORK!" Pansy screamed at him.

"IT WAS ON DA JOB!" Draco yelled.

"SO I'LL JOIN THE SS SO WE CAN BE TOGETHA!" Pansy retorted, taking on an accent of her own.

"I DON'T WANT YOU WORKIN'! A MADE MAN'S GOOMAR ISN'T AH SOLDIER!"

"OHHH MADE MAN, BIG MAAAN. YOU'RE A FROCIO, DRAY-COH!"

Draco backhanded Pansy so hard she fell to the floor. She sniffed. "Nice, real nice."

"Ayy," Draco said, pulling her back to her feet. "Ahm sorry. You made me do dat, you know you make me crazy." He wiped the tears from her cheeks with the other side of the hand that conjured them. Pansy smiled sadly, but didn't look in his eyes. That smack had changed how she felt about Draco. She had believed, as all too many women believe, that she could just lmao im really doing this she believed that she could just verbally abuse him as much as she wanted to and get away with it. Never having faced any real consequences for her actions throughout her life had taught her that she was the boss of every situation she found herself in. But now she'd become entangled with a real boss. Draco Malfoy, the head of the Malfoyano crime family.

"Draco," said Harry, coming down to meet him. Pansy offered him a cigar and Harry pushed her away. She fell out the window.

"Ayy, 'Arry!" laughed Draco, grabbing his face and kissing him on the cheek.

"Draco, enough of the mafia bit, this is SERIOUS. HP Longbottom is leading an army of mostly-peaceful protestors to Hogwarts. We need to assemble the troops."

"What does he need an army for, I thought he was a giant now?" asked Draco, changing out of his striped suit.

"Lockhart hit him with the holy water, it caused him to shrink back down to normal size."

"That's great news! Okay, I'll meet you at the Lake Base! :) " Draco said cheerfully. "Hey Pansy! Harry, did you see where Pansy went?"

"Idk who that is Draco, I'll see you at the Lake Base," Harry said, walking out.

"Do we have eyes on Ginny Weasley?" asked Crabbe into his radio.

Serious Black was looking at the ginger girl through the scope of his Barrett MRAD. She was sitting down eating a sandwich angrily. "Rrrrrroger that, am I clear to engage?"

"Negative Darkie," responded Crabbe. "Stay on her, report back every half-hour."

"I don't like it, I wish Ron would just let us take her out," said Goyle.

"Uh... yeah same i guess. You think he'd be really mad?" asked Crabbe.

"What if we just didn't tell him?" suggested Goyle.

Crabbe radioed Serious. "KILL GINNY WEASLEY, REPEAT KILL GINNY WEASLEY."

"Aye aye 'capt," said Serious Black as he shot his shot.

Ginny's head exploded like one of those funny ballistic dummies in a GunTuber video.

"Target eliminated," Serious reported.

Crabbe took out his "Loose Ends" notebook and scratched Ginny's name out. "Good job, Blackie, return to base."

"Darkie," corrected Serious.

"Whatever, cya soon."

The explosion of Ginny Weasley's head couldn't have happened at a better time.

HP Longbottom had spotted her angrily eating her sandwich and was just about to run up and recruit her into his "organized group of people all wearing the same black uniforms who all believe the same thing and all work toward the same goal, but is not an organization because they don't have a CEO". With their combined power, they stood a chance of breaking through Professor Midget's Protego Maximo charm.

Without Ginny Weasley? Neville had nothing but a few hundred drug addicted societal dregs. Good for setting fires in dumpsters and blocking traffic, but not much else! He sighed. Then a thought, a brilliant thought, entered his mind!

Longbottom turned his his beloved comrades and asked for volunteers to sacrifice their lives to end Whiteness and Racism once and for all. When no-one stepped up, HP Longbottom cast his remaining tentacles through the crowd, skewering each and every brave #resister, and pushed them into Ginny's corpse. The Moon Presence still pouring from her neck swallowed them, and in less than 30 seconds...

"I LIIIIVE!" laughed Gingi. "I-- ACK, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE HUNDREDS OF DISEASES?!"

Longbottom hopped forward and bowed. Although they were both disciples of the Moon, Gingi of course took priority as a fem-folk amalgam.

"I apologize, kween. I had to feed you all who were available in order to match Ginny's power."

"I don't like this," hissed Gingi. "WHERE is Parvati Patil! SHE was my favorite. She muted Ginny's whiteness but didn't make me feel like I'm dying of AIDS."

"AIDS is no-longer a death sentence," said Longbottom. "In fact, for some of the most marginalized members of the LGBTQP+ Community, it's considered a powerful gift which symbolizes resistance to stimga and antiquated colonist conceptions of 'health'!"

Gingi backhanded Neville so hard he fell to the ground. "FIX THIS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PRIVILEGED YOU ARE TO NOT HAVE HUNDREDS OF STDS CHURNING INSIDE OF YOU, AS A CIS-MALE? FIX THIS!!!!"

HP Longbottom kept his head down, where it belonged, and said "Of course, I stand in solidarity with you." But he protested. "However, I'm not CIS, I'm actually agender. My pronouns are they/them, because I do-NOT conform to the gender binary, I am very obviously not a man and I'd appreciate you checking your OWN privilege as a white-passing amalgam before invalidating my own lived experience as a marginalized person."

Gingi laughed. "I'm sorry, I hear your voice and I'll make sure I Do Better. Now GO!!!"

Longbottom ran away to go find Parvati Patil. I guess she's going to be important soon. Let's check on her...

Parvati was in the Sixth Terrace of Purgatory corresponding with the sin of Gluttony, where souls suffering from hunger and thirst must pass by trees with fruit they cannot reach.

"You're doing good," said Dante.

"This sucks," whined Parvati struggling on. She'd kill for some Cheesecake Factory right now.

"Would you rather be lying in foul freezing slush right now?"

"No."

"Attagirl, you just have to walk through some flames after this and you're all good."

"Wait what?"

"Ron, I'm afraid I've got some bad news," said Rei as she lay beside him. "Your sister is dead."

"Okay whatever," sighed Ron, content.

"NO NO NO!!!" screamed Hermione, appearing in the room then. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT YOUR SISTER YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! SHE'S FAMILY!! YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!"

"Fuck off, Hermione!" yelled Ron, getting up.

"RAAAAAAHHH!!!" Hermione tackled Rei, who was still corporeal atm and the two of them disappeared.

"REIIIIi!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Ron cried, scrambling to their last location. "rrRRRARraaAHHHHHHHH HERMIIIIIIIOOOONEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"Ron, you OK?" asked Harry, coming in.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL HER, I'LLFUCKAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Ron screamed his head off, his ginger hair spiking up and glowing golden.

"Sorry," Harry closed the door.

"What's going on in there?" asked Cho.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Furniture and walls were obviously being destroyed on the other side of the door.

"He stubbed his toe I think, let's just go, we have to meet Draco at the Lake Base," Harry ushered Cho back downstairs.

New Problems

"Harry," Crabbe shook Harry's hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Well enough Crabbe, thanks. What's the situation?"

"We've eliminated Ginny Weasley."

"Who?"

"But it seems as though HP Longbottom has used her body to create a new moon amalgam. A Moonalgam."

"I see, I see," Harry nodded his head, but he wasn't really paying any attention at all.

Crabbe went on. "The good news is that Elon's preparations to destroy the Moon are on schedule. He should be ready by the end of the week."

"Harry, good to see you." Goyle came over and shook Harry's hand. "Has Crabbe told you the news?"

"Yeah whatever. Just tell me when you need me." Harry sat down and closed his eyes.

Ron finally arrived at the Lake Base. He didn't look happy.

"I'm not happy," he said.

"Don't worry, Ron," said Crabbe. "Chen told us everything. We'll get Rei back, if she doesn't come back on her own."

Ron was unconvinced. "How are you going to do that? Hermione and Voldemort are the only two people with Time Turners! And Voldemort could be anywhere!"

Harry opened his eyes. "Voldemort checks in with me sometimes. He's still keeping tabs on some of the Hermiones. Next time he does, I'll ask him to bring Rei back."

"Why only some of the Hermiones?" asked Goyle.

"What is he supposed to keep track of all of them? There's an infinite amount of them."

"It seems like a waste then. What if some of the ones he's not watching are up to no good?"

"Do you understand anything about time travel at all?" asked Harry, who didn't understand anything about time travel at all. "Voldemort's able to get a FEEL, a VIBE of the entirety of the Infinite Hermiones just by observing a few of them. From there he can know how he'll need to react to what the full mass of them are doing, the Legion."

"I guess that makes sense," relented Goyle.

"Of course it does," Harry got to his feet realizing he wouldn't be allowed to have a moment's rest. So where is Neville right now? Let's kill him already."

"Well... something strange happened, Harry," said Goyle. "As you guys were coming down here, Neville suddenly... disappeared."

"What do you mean he DISAPPEARED?"

"We checked the CCTV by his last location because we live in a police state clown country where every square fucking inch of our reeking shithole cities are being watched at all times, and we saw the most extraordinary thing."

"Go on."

"HP Longbottom started sieg heiling through the streets!"

"Lol uh based?"

"He was immediately swarmed by packs of youthful doctors and engineers, who stabbed him to death."

"So all of our problems are over," said Harry.

"Were it so simple," said Crabbe. "We believe that Neville is chasing after Parvati Patil to the afterlife."

Harry sighed. "That's so stupid."

"Yeah but we think that's what he's doing."

"I don't doubt it, but why don't we focus on the more immediate issue? Where is the new Pangelingi?"

"She's just Gingi right now," said Crabbe. "She's only composed of Ginny and about a hundred useful idiots."

"Who's Ginny?" asked Harry.

"Harry, you were dating her for like a year."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Anyway Gingi is pounding at Professor Flixmit's barrier. It's holding so far, but if HP Longbottom returns somehow? We think they'll be able to get in."

Harry compiled his thoughts for a moment quietly. Then he looked up and noticed a foooooooooooiiiine Ravenclaw girl he'd never seen before working at a computer.

"Who's she?" he asked.

"Hm?" Crabbe turned. "Oh, that's Mizuki, she's an exchange student from Japan."

Malfoy finally arrived. "Sorry I'm late guys, I can't find Pansy anywhere. It's like she just disappeared. I--"

Mizuki turned and Draco locked eyes with her.

"We'll send out a search party for her, Draco," said Crabbe.

"Who?" Draco asked.

"For Pansy?"

"Who's that?" asked Draco.

"Okay nevermind then. Anyway, Lockhart's reported that he intends to somehow chase HP Longbottom to the afterlife. That leaves Gingi to us. We should assemble a strike force," said Crabbe.

"Any volunteers?" asked Goyle.

Malfoy had already walked over and started chatting up Mizuki.

Harry was snoring on the couch with Cho resting on his shoulder.

Crabbe sighed and headed for the armory.

Being a Good Person

As Crabbe and Goyle were loading up for the fight of their lives, Neville Longbottom was burning in Hell.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" he shrieked. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!! FUCKING NAZIIIIIIIIISSSS!!!"

The Devil noticed HP Longbottom had dropped a book when he arrived. He picked it up and skimmed through it. It was none other than the Necronomicon.

He doubled over in laughter at how fucking stupid and gay it was: it was, to him, the best book he'd ever read.

"I can't keep this little faggot for myself," the Devil said. "He belongs on Earth, where he can use his redditry to turn humans away from That One..."

"Lol," said God, and to show that none of His children would be swayed by Neville's retarded cosmic horror, He pulled HP Longbottom out of Hell and dropped him back on Earth, right where Parvati Patil was emerging from Purgatory.

"Parvati!" hissed Neville, immediately forgetting that he'd just been burning in Hell and that it awaited him once again when he'd inevitably die one day.

"Neville, what are you doing here? Did you also come to know Christ?" Parvati asked.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CHRISTCUCK NAZI, YOU WORSHIP A JEW ON A STICK."

"Neville you sound like a nazi epagan."

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" screamed Neville, and he punched the wall. He successfully made a hole, but it also absolutely devastated his fist. Using all of his willpower, he concealed the extreme pain he was in.

"If you EVER call me the n-word again, that's going to be YOU. Don't think I'll spare you just because you're a CIS-woman. You'll never understand the pain of queer folk."

"Neville don't worry, I know you're a Marxist soyboy faggot, I'm just saying that the anti-Christian language you're using comes from like, neonazis. They hate Jesus just like you do."

"NO-ONE HATES JESUS MORE THAN I DO," roared HP Longbottom. "AND IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY, YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF MAGA TERRORISTS."

"Actually Neville, a lot of the far-right doesn't like Trump, becaue Israel--"

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT" shrieked HP Longbottom, and he ran at Parvati, attempting to spear her like Edge the WWE wrestler.

Parvati ducked just in time and ran away before Neville could recover.

"Fucking garbage human," Neville spat, watching her flee. One of his moonspawn reported to him then.

"What?" he cried. "ANOTHER one?!"

HP Longbottom used his third eye to spy into the Lake Base. To his (cosmic) horror, he saw Mizuki.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" he screamed, jumping up and down in anger.

"HP, what's the matter?" asked Gingi, who arrived just in time to get an earful.

"THERE'S ANOTHER fucking ASIAN GIRL AT HOGWARTS!!!!!!!!" Longbottom yelled. "I KNOW THAT THEY'RE TECHNICALLY PEOPLE OF COLOUR AND THEREFORE OUR ALLIES, BUT I DON'T FUCKING LIKE HOW MUCH WHITE CIS-MALES LIKE THEM."

Gingi nodded. "That's right, HP, they're fetishizing them, because they're not man enough to handle their own kind."

"YEAH!!" agreed HP Longbottom. "They're all sexist racist incels who'll never have sex, unlike me. And I can have sex with any woman I want to, including Asian women, but I don't like Asian women, I prefer to stick with my own kind!!!"

"Mhm."

"Yeah, so, uh..." HP Longbottom looked at Gingi hopefully.

"Have you found me Parvati yet?"

HP Longbottom growled. "I found her, but she escaped me."

"As expected," sighed Gingi. "Come, let us go to Hogwarts. We will destroy the castle, and hopefully I'll find a woman of colour to absorb."

"As long as she's not Asian," spat HP Longbottom.

Meanwhile, Chen Potter was sitting in his control room at Hogwarts, thinking.

"We don't HAVE any exchange programs with any schools in Japan," he said. "So where did she come from?"

Solid Snape was smoking a cigarette. "She seemed to appear from thin air. Stranger things have happened, but what IS strange is that she had that story."

"But she's not lying?" asked Chen.

"She's not lying," confirmed Solid Snape. "At least, she believes she's telling the truth."

"Mizuki doesn't seem to have any ill intent, but here's what troubles me, Severus," said Chen. "Her name means 'beautiful moon'. What do you make of that?"

"Could be a coincidence," offered Solid Snape.

"I, like God, do not believe in coincidences."

Meanvile...

"I like you..." Malfoy said, kissing Mizuki's hand. She blushed and tried to hide it with her other, but Draco took it as well.

"Mizuki..."

Harry yawned loudly to remind Draco that he was in the room. Draco led Mizuki away. Ron was sitting on the couch with Harry and Cho, still deeply unhappy over the kidnapping of Rei.

"So Ron," said Harry. "Play any good games lately?"

"Haven't really had time, Harry."

"I've been playing Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night."

"What is that, another metroidvania game?"

"Igavania."

"I'm not calling it that."

"Anyway, you should come over to my room later and play it with me. I'll kick Cho out for a few hours."

Cho smacked his leg.

"Is it co-op?"

"No it's single player, but we can take turns."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Thanks Harry, but I think I'll just go to bed." He got up sadly and walked away.

"It's just not fair," Harry said. "We all finally fulfilled our promise to each other."

Cho looked at him. "What promise?"

"The peach garden oath," Harry said. "Years ago, Ron, Draco, and I all promised each other that one day, we'd all have Asian girlfriends. And now Ron's lost his."

"You promised what?"

"It's funny though, isn't it? That Draco's just came out of nowhere. Something's off about her, too. I don't think I've ever heard her speak."

"Crabbe said she can't speak much English," answered Cho.

"Crabbe, what does he know?"

Well for starters, Crabbe knew Voldemort's secret technique: Seventy-Seven Serpents Sectumsempra. An unblockable why does my computer sound like its fucking melting. 1 sec... hm. a little worrying. when I replaced my CPU, I think the new fan that came with it is just way louder. I've thought about putting the old one on to see if it's actually quieter, but i cant be bothered.

Anyway Crabbe cast Seventy-Seven Serpents Sectumsempra at Gingi, who had just moments earlier cast Avada Kedavra at him.

The serpents ate the curse.

"Lmao," said Crabbe.

"FUCK!" screamed Gingi. "THE SNAKES CAN EAT OUR CURSES. DO SOMETHING, HP!!!"

"I'M COMING, COMRADE!!!" HP Longbottom heroically took out his phone and started streaming himself as he dove in front of the serpents, selflessly sacrificing himself for someone else. The snakes began biting him, injecting him with hot load of venom that not even Coyote Peterson would be able to stand. HP Longbottom spoke to his stream.

"It's important to understand that snakes do NOT bite people unless they feel threatened or scared! I'M actually at fault here," he edu-tained. "Also, even though I've stepped in on this occasion to protect Gingi, I'm not REALLY protecting her: fem-folk are MORE than capable of standing up to Sectumsempra curses, and there is zero evidence from peer-reviewed studies that fem-folk have any less pain tolerance than masculine-presenting peoples! But why should a femfolk have to suffer when I, a person of greater privilege and power, can instead? It's called being a good person."

The snakes began digging into his back.

"THE OVERWHELMING CONSENSUS OF SCIENTISTS IS THAT THE EARTH'S CLIMATE IS CHANGING AT AN ALARMING RATE," Neville shrieked as his spine was severed.

Crabbe and Goyle smirked as the stepped over HP Longbottom's paralyzed body. Gingi was cornered like a rat.

Suddenly, as if summoned by that last sentence, Naked Peter Pettigrew erupted from the earth and swiftly dragged Gingi to safety back into his tunnel.

Crabbe and Goyle cursed but looked down at their consolation prize. HP Longbottom was theirs.

The Shadow of Hermione

"IIIII AM A SHAAAADOW ON THE WAAAAAALL!! IIIIII'LL BE THE ONEEE TO SAAAAVE US AaAAaALL!!!" HP Longbottom sang his heart out in the karaoke chamber of the prison.

"I'm fed up with it," Harry Potter growled. "I should go in there and beat him until he talks."

"Harry, don't be so hasty," said Crabbe.

"Studies show that allowing prisoners some small comforts makes them more cooperative," explained Goyle. "Neville loves singing. Especially rock songs that let him imagine himself as some kind of hero or badass warrior."

"FIRE YOUR GUNS!!! IT'S TIME TO RUUUN!!! BLOW ME AWAAAY!!! i.will.stay.inthe mess i maaade" Neville continued.

"I can't even hear myself think," Harry complained, putting on the 31dB noise-reduction autism earmuffs he borrowed from Rei. Ron saw them and immediately fell back into depression.

"I just miss her so much..."

"What did he say?" asked Harry.

Cho hugged Ron. "She'll be back soon, Ron."

"What?" asked Harry.

Crabbe put his hand on Ron's shoulder. "Once we crack HP Longbottom, we'll know more about Hermione's master plan. We're certain that he knows more about her than he's letting on."

"That fucking bitch has been ruining my life for years," moaned Ron. "And now she's taken the only FUCKING thing that I care about."

Harry, who'd removed his earmuffs to participate in the conversation guided Ron out of the room.

"Ron, I told you. Voldemort--"

"I know, I know, Voldemort's following her. Or, some of her. But when's he gonna call, Harry?" asked Ron.

"I can't say for sure," Harry admitted. "It's probably a tough job keeping up with her."

"It is," said Snape.

"SNAPE!" gasped Ron and Harry, spinning around.

Indeed. It was Snape.

"DAD, what are you doing here? Or-- where have you BEEN?" asked Harry.

Snape lit a cigarette. "I've been working with my grandson."

"CHEN?" Harry asked.

"I only have one grandson."

"Why? For what?"

"You have more questions than I have answers, Harry," said Snape. "But I'll tell you this much: Voldemort was right."

"Voldemort's always right," said Ron.

Snape nodded. "But we had to make sure. Chen wanted to know for certain that Hermione was attempting to gain access to the Termina Temporis."

"What is that?" asked Ron.

"What's what?" asked Snape.

"The 'Termina Temporis'," answered Ron.

(i use my quotations like that on purpose btw, it's more logical than the gay retard standard taught in schooools where it'd be ,'" because the comma LOGICIALLY DOES NOT BELONG INSIDE AND A LOT OF GREAT WRITERS DO THE SAME, IT'S ABSOLUTE FUCKING IDIOT FAGGOT HORSE SHIT THE WAY THEY TEACH GRAMMAR)

Snape turned to Harry and gave him a look like "What is Ron, a fuckin idiot?"

"He doesn't know about the Termina Temporis?" Snape asked.

Harry turned to Ron. "It's a mythical realm that Merlin wrote about, Ron. The End of Time."

Ron shrugged. "Okay, so what?"

Snape answered him. "So, there is no 'End of Time' as we know it, Mr. Weasley. It's a place only accessible to, we presume, to God."

"So WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

"The PROBLEM is that Hermione's not going to stop trying to gain more power until she reaches it. And since she's NEVER going to reach it, she's NEVER going to stop!" said Harry. "That's why Rei--" Harry stopped himself. Snape looked at him.

"Does he know?"

"What? Do I know what?" demanded Ron.

"You owe it to him," Snape said.

"HARRY WHAT ABOUT REI?" Ron yelled.

Harry hesitated for just a moment. "It's probably not... Ron, Hermione was supposed to kill Rei."

"And she--"

"And she did," Harry said. "But that's not all that Voldemort saw in his travels."

"What did he see?"

Harry paused.

"TELL MEEEEEEE!!!!!!" roared Ron.

"GAHH, DAMMIT, HE SAW YOU MARRIED TO HERMIONE!" Harry cried.

Ron, who sensed some kind of horrible answer like this, immediately began sobbing. Harry hugged him tight.

"IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, RON. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN."

"HUUUUHHHHHHH--AAAAAHHHHH--HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHwAHHH HUUUUUU" Ron moaned, "YOU HUUUUUHHHHH YOU SAID--HUUUHHHH--YOUSAID HE SAW IT THOUGH!"

"We're not going to let it happen, Ron," said Snape. "Chen has a plan."

Wow i hope ur right snape. anyway let's check on HP Longbottom.

"Day 4. The nazis are always watching me from behind the glass, i can tell. fucking incels, they'll never fuck pussy like i do," HP wrote in his Necronomicon. "they're all jealous of how many girls i fuck, i can tell. but because they're racist and sexist, they cant get girlfriends like me, ive had a lot of girlfriends"

"What is he writing?" asked Crabbe.

"Probably something really scary, I heard he's a famous horror writer," said Jack. "Can we see it from the camera?"

"No, we'll have to check it when we next clean out his cell. Speaking of which, you're up next tomorrow, ok? think you can handle it big guy?" Crabbe playfully punched Jack on the arm, and it sent him tripping back a few steps.

"Jack can do anything he puts his mind tah!" said Hagrid, hagging his way through the door.

"Hi Hagrid!" said Jack cheerfully.

"Hagrid, what are you doing here?"

"Oi'm here tah give ya this report from Gilderoy Lockhart," said Hagrid, handing Crabbe a piece of paper.

On it were some chilling words.

"Crabbe. I'm in Hell." --GL

"Ah." Crabbe said, folding the paper. "We should have told him we captured Neville."

"I think he'll be all right," said Goyle.

"UNLIKE YOOOOOUUU!!!" screamed Gingi, as she erupted from the floor and cut off Goyle's arm! Oh no!

A Friend In Need

The very instant that Goyle's arm was severed, Crabbe's Friendship Sense triggered.

The Friendship Sense is exactly what it sounded like: a shared ability that Crabbe and Goyle had which enabled them to uh... tell when the other one was in trouble or hurt, and to perform Kingdom Hearts or Musou style combo attacks with each other, and grant stat and elemental buffs. They'd developed it together during their time training under Lord Voldemort. Neither of them knew it, but he ALSO had this same connection with them both, one-way, to keep tabs on them. He was so proud of all they'd accomplished. Yay!

"GOYLEEEE!" Crabbe cried, and he spinning backfisted Gingi in the face.

Before Gingi even hit the ground, Crabbe had torn off his shirt to bandage Goyle's stump.

Another foreign exchange student blushed furiously and quickly turned away from Crabbe's shredded physique.

"You-- What's your name?" Crabbed asked her.

"I-- I'm Khaliun," she answered.

"Khaliun, it's nice to meet you. Please run to the Hospital Wing and tell Madam Pomfrey Goyle's lost his arm!"

"R-right!" Khaliun clutched her skirts and rushed off.

"Who the hell was she?" asked Malfoy, waltzing in with his new Japanese girlfriend under his arm.

In between puffs of the cigarette Crabbe was helping him smoke, Goyle answered. "New exchange student from Ulaanbaatar. Name's Khaliun."

Crabbe was surprised Goyle knew this. "I'm surprised you knew this, Goyle. Where are all of these Asian girls of different ethnicities coming from?"

Goyle nodded grimly, the pain almost unbearable. He knew that his dear friend was just trying to make conversation with him to keep him conscious.

"I'm not entirely sure, Crabbe. I think Chen signed Hogwarts up with a bunch of different exchange programs to trade off our weaker students for more desirable ones... in terms of work ethic," he added.

"Mizuki," Malfoy said. "Do you remember anything about where you came from?"

"Yokohama? It's nice..." Mizuki answered timidly.

Malfoy was emotionally unable and unwilling to press her any further.

"Aww, she's a cute lass, Draco!" Hagrid said proudly. He was sitting on Gingi to prevent her from escaping.

Hagrid was so happy that Draco made the choice to stop being homosexual. He had high hopes for Draco, and wanted to see him living a happy and healthy life and to one day grow up to become a good husband and father. Just like his father before him.

Of course, as a Giantcel, Hagrid was slightly ENVIOUS of Draco. And Harry, and Ron, and basically everyone else in the world with a girlfriend or wife. Hagrid was a Gappa(pronounced Jappa): Half-giant, half human. Because of his size, it was difficult for him to find a woman that he wouldn't kill during lovemaking. Giant women were always an option, but most of them were ugly and violent. Hagrid found that human women were attracted him, but feared him and his forearm-sized member. enough

Uhh... Madam Pomfrey rushed in on a broomstick. A Nimbus 2000 with a medical stretcher attached to the back that she used for carrying patients. i am so tired.

"He's in good hands," she tolld Crabbe.

"I'm coming with you," Crabbe said.

"No. You'll only distract me. Stay here with the others." Madam Pomfrey pushed Crabbe backwards and he tripped over Khaliun."

"Cya. I'm gonna save Goyle's life," Madam Pomfrey said and she zoomed away with him.

perfect.]

"im glad this is all working out," Hagrid said, and he stood up and grabbed Gingi and slammed her against the wall, knocking her unconsious. "I'll bring this to the prison wing."

"Thanks Hagrid," Malfoy said. He turned to Crabbe and Khaliun. "You two want to get something to eat with us?"

"Like a... double-date?" asked Crabbe. He turned to Khaliun, who had her back turned to them, petrified.

"Khaliun, you want to come with me?"

After a moment's hesitation, she nodded.

"Great!" said Draco. "I'm starving. Let's go to Hogburger."

"Oh wait," said Crabbe. "Gilderoy Lockkart's in Hell."

Malfoy waved his hand. "He'll be fine."

Meanwhile, At Doom's Gate started playing as Gilderoy Lockhart began the fight for his soul.

A few fornicators tried to tackle him, but he played matador and tripped them. they fell into a pit of flaming shit.

Lockhart dove past them and landed in another circle. A big fat fuck lunged at him, attempting to bite him, but Gilderoy Lockhart punched his teeth down his throat and ripped out his tongue. The he jumped on his shoulders and pushed off of him, launching himself even further down.

"Magical Skyjew," chortled the heretic, pushing up his glasses and brandishing a copy of "The God Delusion" by that biologist who looks like Emma Watson.

Gilderoy Lockhart knew that violence couldn't possibly defeat this enemy. He'd have to use LOGIC and REASON. He braced himself, because he knew from experience that Atheists are extremely intelligent.

But as the heretic prepared to ask why "God doesn't heal amputees", a mysterious man appeared behind him and crushed his windpipe with a quick, precise choke.

"Gilderoy," Goyle said, flexing his new cyborg arm. "I'm here to help."

Fraud

Because Fraud is mankind’s peculiar vice, depending as it does on reason, it displeases God more than force, and thus the circle of Fraud is lower than the circle of Violence

The very air of the 8th Circle of Hell smelled of fraud. Gilderoy Lockhart and Goyle sang to keep their spirits high as they made their way through the sub-levels.

"If you said goodbye to me toniiiight, there would still be music left to wriiite" sang Goyle as he punched a hole through a seducer's skull. He held out his hands to launch Gilderoy Lockhart into a deeper bolge.

"WHAT ELSE COULD I DOOOO? I'M SO INSPIRED BY YOUU!" Gilderoy answered, stabbing through a flatterer's head with his heavy silver cross-stake(made in Italy).

Goyle caught up in no time flat, launching himself with his cyborg arm into a Simoniac, shattering the prisoner's sternum. "That hasn't happened for the loooongest time!"

"Once I thought my innocence was gone..." Gilderoy sang, reflecting on his own life. He ducked under a false prophet's swipes and cleaved her arms off.

Goyle put his hand on his shoulder. "Now I know that happiness goes on." He rocket-launched his arm off like Venom Snake and it clobbered a corrupt politician in the distance.

Gilderoy nodded and smiled. "That's where you fooound me, when you put your aarms around mee," he chucked his cross like a throwing knife through the skull of a Hypocrite.

"I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE FOR THE LOOOOOOONGEST TIIIIME!" Goyle activated his arm's electric arc-thrower, frying a Thief as he tried to steal it.

"WHOOOOOOAAAA OHHH OHHH OHHHHHHHH, FOR THE LONGEST TIIIME!" Gilderoy laughed, sprinting at an False Counselor.

The Counselor shrieked and tried running away, jumping into a lower bolge. But when Gildeory and Goyle caught up with him, he'd already been dispatched.

By whomst? Well, who else but another cute Asian girl? Also she was naked, why not. It's Hell. The councelor lay at her feet uh, he lay at her feet, his windpipe apparently kicked in.

"Who are you?" demanded Goyle, pointing his arm at her.

She looked at him blankly for a moment, before bursting into tears. "I'm nothing!" she cried, falling to the ground and curling up.

Gilderoy watched on with suspicion as Goyle ran to her and threw his cloak around her. He turned back. "Gilderoy! Come help me."

Lockhart nodded and approached, his hand never leaving the silver cross at his side. He looked down at the girl, shivering in Goyle's cloak. Goyle put his hand on her forehead.

"She's burning up," he said.

"We're in Hell," Gilderoy said.

"But WE'RE fine, Gilderoy. There's something wrongg with her, we need to get her back to Hogwarts."

Gilderoy looked down at the unfortunate girl. The thought of her so quickly and violently defeating the grown man who'd run into her moments before was almost unbelievable. She must have been one of the new students Chen had gotten in exchange for some of the useless students who'd been accepted through Hogwarts's former "Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion" initiative.

After Chen took over the school, he'd immediately fired all of the Diversity officers and replaced them with literal Chinese agents to assist in changing Hogwarts from a "diverse" schoool, to a "good" school.

"It's all so tiresome," Chen sighed, as he sent the final pronouns-in-bio "professional" humanities major packing. He immediately took out his phone and followed her on HogX(formerly Hogger) with his anonymous anime girl profile pic account, preparing to ratio her into privating her account if she started talking shit.

An agent from Hog wū apparated in his office then. Hog wū was Chen's ambitious newlmao uh... it was Chen's most ambitious project. A Hogwarts campus in China. In cooperation with the CCP, Chen was trying to turn Hogwarts into a global military power. He believed it was necessary to battle Hermione if need be. Voldemort's intelligence wasn't coming regularly enough, and Snape thus far hadn't been able to get much out of Hermione, beyond a lot of hate sex.

"Chairman Chen," the agent bowed.

Chen bowed back. "Prease, I'm merely Headmaster Chen in the school."

The agent handed Chen a binder of prospective students for him to peruse.

Chen knew the CCP wanted him to recruit Chinese students above all others, but the risk of him losing control was too great. Not to mention the sanctions he was already under from the West for not allowing drag queen storyhour for the first year students.

On the other hand, there was the ever-present threat of HP Longbottom and the Moon Presence. A greater power than China's People's Liberation Army and America's new Trans-Drone Forces combined.

The Sun rises in the East, Chen thought to himself as he circled a number of students in the binder.

He handed it back to the agent, who was of course disappointed. Chen had selected a diverse group of Asians, and only girls.

Chen knew that males would be too ambitious. They'd eventually seek to wrest control from him.

After the agent left, Snape voiced his own concerns.

"Every other boy at this school has yellow fever," Snape said. "Their grades will suffer, they'll lose focus on battling the Moon Presence and protecting the school."

"On the contary, Severus," said Chen. "This will give them something to fight for. You ever see that meme of the Chinese nurse breastfeeding a wounded soldier during the Sino-Vietnamese War with the caption 'no wonder why they fought so hard'?"

"..."

Lockhart led the way as Goyle carried the girl on his back. There was one final sub-level of Fraud for them to go through.

The Falsifiers swarmed the three pilgrims, offering every sort of medicament and salve for the girl's suffering. All of these cures were very-obviously just bodily waste, and with his arms occupied under the girl's thighs to keep her safely on his back, Goyle relied on Lockhart to go ham on them.

Gilderoy did so, finally finding an opportunity to utilize his Vampire Killer whip given to him by a member of the Belmont clan. Gilderoy Lockhart's mum was, of course, a lmao a direct descendentt of Simon Belmont.

Gilderoy whipped the shit out of the Falsifiers, spinning the Vampire Killer like helicopter blades over the heads of his companions. The Falsifiers backed away, whining.

"We did it," sighed Goyle, placing the girl down. "We've made it to the final circle of Hell."

"Is HP Longbottom here?" asked Gilderoy, bracing for a fight.

"What? Oh no, we already captured him."

"What? Then why are we..."

"Sorry I just wanted to test out my new arm lol," said Goyle. "I died after having my arm cut off, because Maddam Pomfrey sucks. She's bringing me back though. I asked Saint Peter if I could come down here and extract you in the meantime. He said yes, and once they revive me on Earth, I can just uh, bring you back with me."

"How the Hell does that work?"

Before Goyle could answer, Gilderoy found himself in the Lake Base. "Ah." He sat down to try to clear his mind.

Meanwhile, at the Hospital Wing, Maddamn Pomfrey was yelling at Goyle for having a naked girl in his bed with him.

"YOU ROGUE!" the nurse yelled, throwing a tissue box at him.

Goyle wearily glanced down at the girl resting her head on his chest. Her cheek was warm. So was the other cheek his hand was resting on under the covers. Goyle smiled, satisifed with himself.

"WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?" Pomfrey demanded.

"Uh," Goyle mumbled. "Hell."

Nightmare at McHoggle's

"They went to Hogburger without us?" asked Harry.

"Yeah, I dunno what their problem is," replied Ron sullenly.

"I'm not really hungry but it just would have been nice of them to ask," said Harry. He put down his tablet, where he had open the latest chapter of Mil-Sim Story from Waifu Library.

"Are YOU man enough to vote for a WOMAN? Iiiiiii am!" sang some gay bugman dressed in a construction worker stripper outfit on teevee.

"TURN THAT SHITE OFF," barked Harry, even though the remote was closer to him. Cho sighed, Accio'd the remote into her hand and shut it off.

"Why did Crabbe go?" she asked. "Shouldn't he be with Goyle in the hospital wing? They're best friends!"

"He met some girl, they went with Malfoy and Mizuki."

"What girl?"

"Uhhhhh... Kal something. Let me check the HP Longbottom Story Bible..."

"The what?"

"Her name's Khaliun, she's from Mongolia."

"Mongolia?"

"See this is what always happens," complained Ron. "Some GIRL comes into your bro's life, and then he doesn't even have time to visit you in the hospital anymore."

"Ron, Rei's only been gone for a few days. Don't start acting like a bitter single person," said Cho.

Harry stood up. "I'm going to Hogburger. I'm getting to the BOTTOM of this."

"The bottom of WHAT?"

But Harry was already gone.

Meanwhile, at McHoggle's...

"I'm so glad we decided to come to McHoggle's instead of Hogburger," said Malfoy. "It's great here!"

A creepy Halloween-themed animatronic band was playing. Some big bird mufucka on guitar, a raccoon on the drums, as the much-beloved Burger Rat sang about what he was going to do to you while you're home all alone.

"Whoooooooaaaa, you say you don't wanna be aloooneee

But don't you woooooorryyy, don't you moooooaaannnn

I'm right outside your dooooorrr, that's what friends are foooooor :) "

"I've never heard it sing that song before," said Crabbe.

Suddenly the restaurant's lights went out.

Immediately, Mizuki and Khaliun attached themselves to the boys' arms like cute octopi.

The stage lights snapped back on. "What is this?" demanded Malfoy.

"You say you want a revoluuution..." Burger Rat sang.

"I've never said that!" protested Malfoy.

"Well, you know / We all wanna change the world"

"Let's get out of here, Malfoy," Crabbe said, standing up. He lit the tip of his wand with a potent, thick wad of Lumos Solem.

The restaurant staff was gone, as were all of the other customers. All that remained was the animatronic band.

Burger Rat looked at them hatefully. "You tell me that it's evolution / Well, you know / We all wanna change the world"

"It's not a bad song, I think it was before Lennon went full-Commie," Malfoy said, getting to his feet. He twisted so Mizuki was clinging to his back rather than his side, and drawing his wand like Revolver Ocelot he flung a Flippendo spell that sent Burger Rat flying through the wall.

Crabbe was at the door, trying to Alohomora it open, but to no avail.

"Draco, we're trapped."

Burger Rat climbed out through the wall.

"Why is he off his tracks!" cried Mizuki.

Not waiting for an answer, especially not one from the rat himself, Malfoy sent him back through the wall with another Flippendo.

"Crabbe, figure out the lock, I'll hold him off."

Thankfully, none of the other animatronics seemed alive. But Burger Rat continued trying to get at them no matter how many times Malfoy sent him back through the wall.

"Engorgio!" Malfoy turned the rubble of the wall into boulder-sized chunks.

They could hear Burger Rat on the other side, pounding at the blockage, but unable to break through. The pounding ceased after a few moments.

"Mother of God," sighed Malfoy, "I think we're safe." He lit his own wand up with Lumos and encouraged Mizuki to do the same. He was stunned at how her simple Lumos spell burned almost as bright as Crabbe's Lumos Solem.

"Crabbe, how's that lock coming?"

"There's some kind of retarded hex on it, but I'm close Draco."

Malfoy pressed his earpiece. "Malfoy here, any Slytherins in the area? Please respond."

Silence.

Malfoy repeated himself. "PLS RESPOND."

"Malfoy?" responded Harry. "Are you OK?"

"Harry! Thank God, where are you?"

"I'm at Hogburger, where are YOU?" demanded Harry.

"Down the road at McHoggle's. Harry, we need backup."

"Hey why didn't you guys invite me and Cho? Ron I can understand, he's really a downer right now."

"It was a spur of the moment thing Harry I'm sorry, PLEASE get here NAAOOOO"

"I'm already running through the parking lot, I'll be there in a minute Draco."

Burger Rat broke back through the wall.

"But when you talk about destruction Don't you know that you can count me out... IN." He jumped off stage and started stomping toward them.

"DrAAAAAco!" Mizuki cried.

Suddenly, having a Manson-like epiphany, Malfoy remembered the lyrics of Helter Skelter.

You're coming down fast, but I'm miles above you.

As Burger Rat lunged at them, Draco took Mizuki in one arm and cast Alarte Ascendare on themselves. They were now safely against the ceiling, but nothing stood between Burger Rat and Crabbe and Khaliun now.

Khaliun pulled Crabbe's shirt nervously to alert him, but Crabbe's superhuman situational awareness already let him know that he had 10 seconds before Burger Rat was upon them.

"Mizuki, pull him back," Draco said, occupied with keeping them both attached to the ceiling.

Mizuki tried casting Accio at the animatronic rat, but it was deflected.

"What the..." Malfoy whispered. "CRABBE! He's charmproof!"

Dammit... this hex... Crabbe thought to himself. It was unlike anything he'd ever encountered.

5, 4,

Khaliun screamed and launched a Flippendo that would have turned a man into pink mist. It sent Burger Rat stumbling back a few steps.

Few more seconds, thanks Khaliun, Crabbe thought. But it didn't change much, he still for the life of him couldn't figure out the hex on the lock. He realized then that it could only have been placed by Hermione.

Before he could despair, Harry appeared the door. "Hey guys," he said.

"HARRY, BREAK OPEN THE DOOR, WE CAN'T GET OUT!" Crabbe roared.

"Why, is the lock broken?"

"YES GET US OUT OF HERE!" Crabbe pleaded. Burger Rat was just behind them once again.

"Hey, it's Burger Rat!" laughed Harry. "I didn't know he could move off stage."

"HAAAAARRRYYYYYY!" yelled Crabbe.

"ALL RIGHT ALREADY, DON'T YELL AT ME," roared Harry indignantly. He took out his Sword of Gryffindor and cleaved through the door, shattering the hexed lock.

Malfoy kicked off the ceiling and pulled Mizuki with him right behind Neville and Khaliun as they all run outside.

Harry stood at the door, staring at Burger Rat, who remained inside the restaurant.

"You good?" Harry asked.

Burger Rat stared at him, unmoving.

"Harry, let's get out of here," Malfoy said.

"No hold on, I asked it a question."

"HARRYYYYYY."

Harry Potter stepped inside the restaurant.

"Harry, don't!"

Burger Rat swung a big mechanical arm at him with enough force to turn you into an industrial machine accident liveleak video.

Harry sliced through the arm like butter with his sword.

Burger Rat shrieked in pain, and as he turned to flee, Harry lunged on him like a lion, wrapping his arm around the rat's neck. With his other hand, he tore off Burger Rat's face, revealing, of course, none other than Peter Pettigrew.

"Sup," Harry said.

"LET GO OF ME FASCIIIIIIISTTT!" Peter screamed, struggling in vain.

Crabbe and Goyle smacked their heads for being scared of Peter Pettigrew, as nightmarish as the Burger Rat costume was.

"I'll call for someone to bring him back to base, just tie him down," Malfoy sighed.

"Why don't we bring him back ourselves?"

"We never got to eat, I'm starving." Draco turned to Harry. "Harry, meet us back at Hogburger with Cho in a half hour?"

Harry smiled and nodded. "Sounds good, cya soon." He kicked Peter Pettigrew in the ribs and flew off.

As the two young couples walked down the street to Hogburger for some delicious salty slop, Crabbe for the first time since leaving, wondered how Goyle was doing. The thought quickly left his mind as Khaliun began gently leaning against him. He took her hand and she gripped it. Crabbe smiled as he faced onward.

Chen Potter, watching them in the crytal ball he'd nabbed from Professor Trelawney, laughed.

"All according to plan."

The Beach Episode

It was a beautiful day at Hogwarts University. The Sun was shining, HP Longbottom and his goons were locked up in the dungeon, and Elon Musk was making the final preparations to destroy the Moon, and with it, the evil Moon Presence.

To rewward all of their hard work, Headmaster Chen cancelled all classes for Slytherins and Ravenclaws. Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors still had to show up OR ELSE.

Even though Harry was still technically in Gryffindor, he never went to classes anyway and it didn't matter. He already knew everything that was being taught, even working for the school as a professor in an part-time.

So when Harry strolled into the Ravenclaw common room with nothing but his swim trunks on like he owned the place, and DEMANDED a Ravenclaw guy go fetch Cho for him, there was no complaining. Who would DARE defy Harry?

"Harry I'm not going to the beach, I'm sorry," defied Cho Chang, walking out of her dorm room.

"What are you talking about, we've got the day off!" Harry protested.

"I've hardly gotten any studying done the last few weeks. How are we supposed to rescue Rei and stop Hermione if we just goof off all the time?"

"We don't just GOOF OFF all the time!" lied Harry.

"Ohh I'm sorry, you're right," Cho said sarcastically, rubbing his arm in the condescending way she knew drove him insane and made him want to mating press her so hard they'd both die.

Harry cast the thought from his mind. "Cho, you're going to ruin beach day. EVERYONE's going to be there!"

"Uh, Rei won't be there. Hermione still has her."

"Yeah but--"

"Voldemort won't be there. He's trying to follow Hermione across time and space."

"Sure, and--"

"Let's see... Goyle's still recovering from his surgery, Professor Snape doing classes, our son is meeting with Chinese diplomats, your best friend Ron is sulking in his room..."

Harry turned his brain off and collapsed onto the couch. "Fine." There was no arguing with Cho, shlmao like a good woman, she was just painfully correct at all the worst times.

Cho rubbed his back. "You can come help me study if you want. Maybe later we can meet the others."

Whether or not they'd ever make it to the beach, Harry at LEAST knew that meant he'd be able to get some when Cho needed a break. Cho never needed "help" studying, so this was just an invitation to hang out in her room.

Cho took Harry's hand and led him back to her dorm. "Wait a sec," she said and hopped into her closet.

Harry threw his beach towel on the bed and sat down, itching for the phone he'd left in his room. He kinda felt like a schmuck for being in his bathing suit.

After a minute, Cho came out in her bikini.

"Oh," Harry smiled.

"Where's Harry, I thought he was coming," Malfoy asked.

"Dunno," answered Crabbe. "He said he was getting Cho."

"Cho," spat Malfoy. Cho, Cho, Cholmao. She was always getting in the way of his bro time with Harry, and Draco was SICK of it. However, when Mizuki emerged from the dressing room, he immediately stopped seething.

Mizuki looked like a freakin gravure idol. She wasn't as FIT as Cho, and her boobs weren't even as big, but she still had a flat tummy. More importantly, her face reminded Draco that life was worth living and there was never anything in the world to ever be upset about. Draco left Crabbe high and dry and walked over to her.

Before Crabbe could roll his eyes, Khaliun walked out too. She was too embarrassed to wear a bikini, opting instead for a one-piece which did not in any way save Crabbe from lustful thoughts.

Crabbe beckoned her over, and she came and took his hand. "You ever go swimming before?" he asked her, knowing that Mongolia was a landlocked country.

She shook her head. "I-- can't really swim. I've been to a lake before, but I've never gone over my head."

"I'll teach you," Crabbe offered. "I'm never in over my head." But Khaliun shook her head.

"I'm scared."

Crabbe nodded. "You want to stay in the shallows? I can teach you where it's nice and safe."

"Safe?" scoffed a passing Ravenclaw nerd. "The Grindylows can enter the shallows. You think they can't drag a 100lb girl down into the dee--" before he finished, Malfoy had knocked him over with a beach umbrella.

"The Grindylows are DEAD, faggoooooooot. Slytherin took care of them once and for all while you nerds were playing with your beakers and test tubes. The lake is perfectly safe for swimming now."

Or was it?

After Harry and Cho finished "studying", they started on their way out to the beach. A Ravenclaw nerd ran into them. "MISTER POTTER SIR, MISS CHANG!"

"What is it? We're going to the beach."

"That's why I'm here, sir! The giant squid's taken Mizuki and Khaliun!"

"Ah."

"I told her it was safe," Crabbe muttered to himself, lying on the sand, soaked in his own blood.

Draco was still in the water, fighting not only for the girls, but now his own life as the squid's tentacles surrounded him.

"He's not normal," Malfoy realized. "It's FUCKING Neville, it HAS to be."

He was right. The entire time HP Longbottom had been singing Breaking Benjamin songs in his cell, the vibrations had been passing through the wall and he'd been subtly mind-breaking the giant squid, converting him into an incomprehensible moon-squid.

A tentacle knocked Malfoy back onto the beach.

"Hey guys," said Harry.

"Harry..." Crabbe whispered, barely conscious. "Help..."

But Harry had just used all of his energy in his study session with Cho. "I'm a little tired, Crabbe. Is it urgent?"

The girls screamed as the squid began dragging them down into the water.

Before Harry could act, Cho was already in the water.

"Okay, great," Harry said, lying on a towel. "I'm just so freaking tired." Harry closed his eyes.

As Cho began cutting the squid's tentacles off with Diffindo, immediately freeing Khaliun and Mizuki, she suddenly vanished under the water.

Harry opened his eyes, swearing he'd heard Cho call his name. But he saw nothing, and he saw no one. An endless expanse of water was before him.

"Where am I?" Harry asked.

To his shock and dismay, Hermione answered him. "The end of the world."

Panic at the Beach

"In a sense, all sins could be seen as containing a form of treachery couldn't they? Either to other people, one's self, or God," suggested Lord Voldemort.

"Answer...

That's a profound and insightful observation. You're touching on a fundamental aspect of moral philosophy and theology. Let's explore this idea further in our next session. For now, your alarm to 'Stalk Hermione' will go off in 3 minutes," answered Chi-V, Voldemort's persocom.

"Ah, thank you Chi-V," said Voldemort, getting up out of bed and stretching. He got dressed in his most camo-friendly robe.

The hue fuligin, which is darker than black, admirably erases all folds, bunchings and gatherings so far as the eye is concerned, showing only a featureless dark.

It was one of Voldemort's three favorite colors, behind only green and white. But Voldemort did not own a green robe, and only wore his white robe on certain special occasions with its beautiful matching hood.

"Master, do you want me to come with you?" asked Chi-V.

Voldemort shook his head. "No, Chi-V, you stay here and guard the time machine. He handed Chi-V his lucky Vz. 58, knowing as long as their ammo cache was stocked (and it always was, since Chi-V was a perfect homemaker), Chi-V would protect herself and their time-home with deadly accuracy.

Naturally, when Voldemort saw that Hermione had built a time machine, he used his Sharingan eye to copy her and build his own. But bigger, BETTER. Where Hermione's had resembled that gay little telephone booth, Voldemort had built the TIME CASTLE. On the outside, the Time Castle looked like Peach's castle from Super Mario 64. On the inside? It was the size of a city. No small task to maintain for even a perfect woman like Chi-V. Nevertheless, she did do it, allowing Voldemort to focus all of his energies on Hermione hunting through time and space.

Voldemort had picked up Chi-V in the future, where women were inhumanely forced to be healthy and have pleasant attitudes in order to compete with the robot wives designed in Japan and mass-produced in Taiwan.

Originally, the only thing Chi-V and her kind could not do was have children. Thankfully, due to overwhelming pressure from the LGBTQP+ community, the technology to implant a uterus in persons and places they don't belong had been perfected after 10 trillion dollars were seized from Doge Musk XI by the government and dedicated to research in order to make pregnancy more equitable. Even after Adolf Merlin would rise from the grave to wage World War 5, humanely destroying most of the people who wanted a uterus implanted into them, the technology was not lost, allowing robots to give birth. All that was needed was a human female's egg. A dime a dozen after the Age of the Handmaid ushered in by Kaiser Barron Trump.

Voldemort kissed Chi-V goodbye and triple-jumped out of the castle to spy on Hermione.

"VOLDEMORT'S GONE, RAID THE CASTLE!" commanded a Metro bobby.

In a flash, the Muggle branch of the London Wizard Police Department blew off the doors of Voldemort's Time Castle and flooded inside. They should have been quiet, Chi-V might not have awoken so quickly.

With as much warning as they gave her, they were met with a hail of bullets from Chi-V.

"OOIII SHE'S GOT A AK47!!" screamed some "British" "man" before Chi-V shattered his ugly teeth like glass.

To stop me from being racist, a very handsome and intelligent and not-soy Anglo man managed to clip Chi-V's shoulder, forcing her to fire from her hip. It didn't affect her accuracy, but it did slow her shots down.

"We've got to fall back," said the Handsome Anglo Man. H.A.M. ... his name was Ham. "WE'VE GOT TO FALL BACK" he cried to his comrades, but they were all already dead.

He got back into his squad car, but Chi-V triple-jumped on top of it and pointed her Vz in his face.

"Do the right thing and never defy Lord Voldemort again," she suggested.

Ham yelled in fear and anger. "BLOODY 'ELL, YOU'VE KILLED THEM ALL. I CAHNT BELIEVE YOU'VE DONE THIS."

"You attacked the home of my master," said Chi-V. "That might not mean anything in Bongistan, but in the United States, where I was built-- (author's note: in the future, Taiwan is given to the United States as a wedding dowry for one of Barron Trump's hundred sons from the family of the Chinese princess he marries.)

--a person's home is their castle. And the faggot-ass government can't just break in and do whatever they want. You've broken both the NAP and my nap, your life belongs to me. Do as I say and I will spare you for my master's sake. Lord Voldemort hates to see good genes go to waste."

Ham nodded nervously and Chi-V hopped off his car.

"I will dispose of your associates' bodies in the dumpster behind the castle. You may pick them up tomorrow morning only between 8am and 11am. Afterwards the contents of the dumpster will be picked up for incineration."

Lord Voldemort had seen the police on his way out, but knew that Chi-V could handle whatever stupid assault they were planning on her own. He had to dedicate his entire mind to keeping track of Hermione. She could LITERALLY be anywhere, any time.

Even...

Voldemort gasped.

"THE END OF TIME."

"Hermione, why have you brought me here?" Harry demanded.

"Me? I haven't done anything Harry. You brought yourself here."

"That's bullshit Hermione, I was on the beach one second, and now I'm here with you. And what's with the lake? Why's it bigger now?"

Hermione looked serious. "It's not a lake... it's an ocean," Hermione said.

Alan Wake was a good game, but not good enough to tolerate this. Harry took out his sword. "Hermione, I want answers NAO or you're dead."

"You can't kill me here Harry. There's nowhere further for me to go."

"What does that even MEAN? But fine, you wanna test it?" Harry wound up a big meaty swing, but something held the sword.

He spun around, and who else would be staying his blade but Rei Jeong?

"REI!" Harry cried. He started cartoonishly poking and pinching her face. "Is it really you?"

"Yes Harry," Rei batted him away. "Hermione was keeping me safe here."

"Safe? From what?" Harry asked. He turned back to Hermione, who pointed upward.

Harry looked up and gasped. He'd never been so close to the moon before. Okay, that technically wasn't true, but he'd never had such a clear and close picture of what the Moon really looked like.

Harry saw now, to his horror, that humans had been wrong since first they looked up. The Man on the Moon was not a man at all, but a Woman.

"It all makes sense now," Harry realized, going literally insane. "The Moon Presence isn't an eldritch horror, it's just a woman... women... are the cause of all of this..." Harry's Insanity Meter started skyrocketing.

Rei jumped to hug him from behind. It calmed Harry's racing heartbeat, but not by much.

The ultimate realization that all of the problems in the world came fromlmao okay whatever that all of the world's problems came from a woman was too much for Harry, who loved women so much, to cope with.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," Harry gasped, grabbing his chest.

"It's just an anxiety attack, stop being such a baby Harry," said Hermione.

"SEE, THAT'S WHY EVERTHING'S LIKE THIS!" cried Rei. "Why do you have to invalidate his feelings?"

"HE'S NOT HAVING A HEART ATTACK."

"You're so insensitive though!"

"Insensitive?!" shrieked Hermione. "Harry is a MAN, he needs to ACT like one. Or else what good is he?"

Hermione rolled up her sleeve and gave Harry's cheek an open palm it'd not soon forget. "HARRY, your heart is fine, BREEEEEEATHEEEEE."

Rustled as he was, Harry did as he was told.

"Good, KEEP breathing, KEEEEEEEP breathing, just like that Harry, just keeeeeep breathing."

After a few minutes, Harry was okay. Hermione smacked him one more time.

"You're such a sexist fucking idiot sometimes Harry, I don't know what to say to you. No, the Moon Presence IS an eldritch abomination, it's just taken the form of a woman."

"It's true, Harry!" Rei cried. "We dindu nuffin!"

Harry smiled at Rei's successful attempt at using racism to calm him down, and knew that she was telling the truth. Hermione sure, but how could such a creature as Rei be inherently evil?

"Why am I here?" Harry asked Hermione again.

"I don't knoooooowwww," Hermione snapped. "Rei told me we have to meet you here."

Harry turned to Rei, who nodded. "It's true, Harry. Something terrible is going to happen at Hogwarts..."

What did Rei mean? I'm sure we'll find out, but in the meantime, Goyle had just finished recovering from his cybernetic arm surgery.

"We're so back," he said, flexing his metal fingers.

"Hey king," said Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Gilderoy, good to see you!" Goyle laughed, hugging him.

"Hey, where'd that girl we saved go?" asked Gilderoy.

"Ah! Uh..." Goyle looked around. "That's odd."

Gilderoy looked at him questioningly.

"The last thing I remember... she was in my bed with me... her butt..."

"Her butt?"

"It was warm."

"That's normal."

"No, it was REALLY warm, Gilderoy. As if, we'd just... come back from..."

Gilderoy went wide-eyed. "It was real."

"How can that BE? I DIED?" Goyle asked. "Madam Pomfrey what the hell did you do to me?"

"Your arm was cut off, you little shit," Madam Pomfrey yelled from the other room. "You were dead before I got you to the operating table."

"Wild stuff," said Gilderoy.

"Hang on, how did you get there? You didn't die, did you?" asked Goyle.

"Ah no, I uh, knew of a warp point that my ancestors used to use to travel to Hell sometimes to fight Dracula."

"Wow that's a convenient thing to write."

"What?"

"Well... I guess we should look for her. Come on then," said Goyle. "You know, I can't believe Crabbe isn't here to meet me... kinda pisses me off, I lost my bloody arm."

And so Goyle and Gilderoy began their search for the girl they met in the Bolge of the Sowers of Discord.

"Goyle... I'm... sor-..." Crabbe's world went white as he lay on the beach. Draco was next to him, unconscious, but alive. Harry was passed out, evidentally having expended all of his energy studying with Cho on her bed. Khaliun and Mizuki were pulling Cho out of the water, covered in ink.

When they made it back to shore, Cho collapsed in the sand, coughing up water. Her arm was drenched in the squid blood which was slowly expanding over the surface of the entire lake. Khaliun managed to pry the Gerber tanto knife from her hand. It was the very same one Snape had gifted her when he found out Harry was fucking her. She kept it on her at all times, in a smol leg holster.

The police were upon her in an instant.

"OI, DIDJU 'AVE A LOICENSE TO KILL DAT ENDANGERED ANIMHAL?" they demanded, preparing to attack.

Mizuki and Khaliun stood in front of her, but between them they weighed less than half of one of the Mountain Troll Refugees that the London PD had brought to investigate Cho's actions. His name was Deedu and there was no difference between him and a European man whatsoever.

"DEEDU, ARREST THEM!" barked a short little powertripping bitch.

"WWHOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!" roared the combat-aged Trollfugee, and with his tree trunk sized legs he charged at the three Asian girls.

They held their ground, and braced for impact.

According to Plan

"Hey, you! Wait!" Goyle called to the Bolge Girl down the hall just outside the Hospital Wing.

She either didn't hear him or didn't want to, and she turned the corner.

"Dammit. Come on, Gilderoy, after her!"

Gilderoy was tired of running around. He'd already had a long day, escaping Hell. He fired a hook from his vertical manuevering equipment at the end of the hallway and flew up ahead.

"What the... the hallway's empty, Goyle!"

"That can't be..." Goyle caught up after a few seconds and turned. It be.

"It's a dead-end," Gilderoy noted.

"No such thing in JK Rowling's Wizarding World™," Goyle said and he took out his heartbeat monitor from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. It confirmed what he already knew. She was in the hallway, they just couldn't see her.

"Accio... invisibility cloak," Goyle fished.

Bingo. A silvery cloak flew at him, blocking his sight. "Gilderoy, nab her!" Goyle yelled, pushing the cloak off his face.

Gilderoy Lockhart nabbed the cloak and launched himself into the girl, taking her off her feet and pinning her to the ground.

Back at the beach, Deedu was a split second away from making contact with his target as well.

But as Mizuki and Khaliun prepared to die protecting Cho, Harry Potter the Man Who Lives awoke from his bareback studying-induced slumber and spun into the air onto Deedu's neck, RKOing him like Randy Orton.

This wasn't professional wrestling though, this was real life, so Harry purposefully broke Deedu's neck, killing him instantly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" shrieked the Metro Police Bitch and she hurriedly waddled over to Deedu. "Someone call an ambulance!"

"Don't bother," said Harry. "I severed his spine. I killed him on purpose."

"You... fucking... grrrrwrr... NAZI!!" screamed the London authority, taking out her phone and opening up Bluesky so she could let everyone know that a precious Troll life was taken right in front of her, with no concern for the Troll OR for the lasting trauma this would cause her. "By the way, give me your name you're under arrest."

Harry Potter was too busy tending to his hot Chinese fiancee to listen to the hideous little manfaced Oompa Loompa. "Sorry, what?"

"I SAID that you're under arrest, what's your name incel?"

Harry cast a Flipendo at her that sent her rolling like a fat little("little") bowling ball to the other side of thet beach.

"Cho, are you OK?" he asked.

Cho nodded, though she was still exhausted from her battle with the moonsquid. Khaliun and Mizuki helped her to her feet.

Harry took her from them, lifted Cho up, and princess carried her back to the castle. Beach Day might have been ruined, but they could at least get in another good, hard study session.

"Oh can you guys check on Crabbe and Draco?" Harry called over his shoulder.

Uh duh Harry, they already were.

Draco was coming to, but things were bleak for Crabbe. He was battered to shit. Mizuki tried tending his wounds, but she wasn't a miracle worker. Khaliun didn't know what to do. Desperately, she called for her pet golden eagle, Aidos, who swooped in to help. Also he could talk.

"Hey Khal," said Aidos.

"Aidos, you have to get help! M-my friend is dying!"

"Sucks."

"Aidos, fly to get Madam Pomfrey!"

Aidos sighed. He could tell Khaliun liked this bleeding white boi lying in the sand, and if he helped save him he'd basically be birdzoning himself. But no matter what he did for Khaliun, she never sholmao she never showed any interest in him anyway. So he might as well just continue being a good little bird slaving away for treats. He wasn't an eagle, he was a flying doormat cuck.

"Aight, I'm going."

"Thank you Aidos! Fly fast as the wind!"

Under his breath, Aidos muttered "Ima fly as fast as I feeeel like, bitch fuckin racist ass little mongol girl."

"Kawaii desu!" Mizuki desu'd, astounded at how graceful Aidos sailed through the sky.

"My parents gave him to me when I was little," Khaliun said, pressing a bandage on Crabbe's side. "He was my father's favorite hunting eagle. Until one day, he started refusing to hunt anything."

That's really strangeeeee Khaliun, anyway let's check on Ron and Gilderoy.

"Taiwanese or Filipina?" asked Ron, putting up $20 as they prepared to unveil the girl Gilderoy had netted in the invisibility cloak.

Gilderoy, a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, had secured side control with minimal effort. Whoever was under the invisibility cloak, she wasn't stronger than Gilderoy Lockhart. But even men seldom were. He fished a 20 out of his wallet with one hand. "Gotta be Pinay."

"She can't be Filipina, I don't want that tomboy to think I'm writing her into the story," said Harry Potter, walking over.

"I thought you weren't a self-insert," asked Ron.

"What are you talking about?"

"What are YOU talking about?"

"Let go of me!" said the Bolge Girl, trying to explode out of Gilderoy's grip.

"Release her, Gilderoy," said Chen Potter through the loudspeaker. "That's our new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher."

"Oops sorry," said Gilderoy, and he removed himself from the Bolge Girl.

As she rose, the invisibility cloak Gilderoy had been using to net her fell. Thankfully or not, she wasn't naked. But when she turned to face them, they were SHOCKED by what they saw.

From his office, Chen Potter pressed his fingers together like a little mastermind. "Everything accaahwding to plan...WAT?!"

The door to Chen's office was kicked in and the Metro police were pointing their fingers at him. "Chen Potter, you're under arrest for human trafficking."

Isabel

There was a knock on Ron's door. "Rooon, I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your suicide-watch by coming in anywaaaaaay."

Cho entered without waiting for a response.

Ron was lying face-up in bed, face cold from dried tears. Duvet by Bôa was playing from his phone.

"Ron, I brought you some tea and biscuits."

Ron turned and looked up at her bleakly, but he didn't have the will to lift his head from the pillow. Instead he rolled his face into it.

"Let me die, Cho."

Cho placed the tray down on his bedside table. "Ron, you might be happy to know that Harry saw Rei today."

Ron jumped out of bed.

"What! What do you mean? Where? Where is she?"

"Uh..."

"Cho, WHERE is she?"

Cho looked down. "I don't really... she's at the... End of the World."

Ron fell back down. "Oh more of this bullshit."

Cho rubbed his shoulder. "But he DID see her, Ron! She's safe!"

As much as he wanted to remain miserable, knowing that she was at least safe forced a sad smile on Ron's face. It was something.

"Thanks, Cho."

SUDDENLY, Hagrid kicked the door down. "CHO! RON! HOGWARTS IS UNDER ATTACK!"

Crabbe opened his eyes to his worst nightmare.

"Hermione, what are you doing here?" he asked. "Wait, where am I?"

"I'm here to stop you from dying, Crabbe," Hermione said, who was standing in front of a bright light and pointing a gun at him. "Don't move, or I'll shoot."

"Don't shoot, I'm... I don't know where I am."

"Good," said Hermione. "Now just turn around and go back the way you came. Go on, GIT."

"Wha..."

"GIT" Hermione fired a warning Boogie2988-style warning shot over him.

Crabbe turned away from the light and booked it through a veil of darkness.

Almost immediately, he ran past Rei, who startled him with a "Hi, Crabbe!"

He tripped and fell upright in his hospital bed.

"I'm alive."

Khaliun, Mizuki, and Malfoy were sitting around him, smiling.

"Where's Goyle?" Crabbe asked.

"He couldn't make it," Draco said.

"Couldn't make it..." Crabbe muttered, starting to get up. Khaliun put her hand on his chest, having finally found an excuse to do so. It was even harder than she thought and she quickly turned to hide her face.

"Y-you should rest. Madam Pomfrey said you died for a few minutes."

"I did. I think... I saw Hermione."

"Who's Hermione?" asked Mizuki.

"Just some annoying bitch we all hate," said Draco, putting his arm around her shoulder. Mizuki purred and snuggled up against him.

"And Rei, too, I think," Crabbe went on.

"YOU SAW REI?" Ron yelled, rushing in. "WHERE? HOW?" he started shaking Crabbe like the Happy Mask Salesman finding out Link didn't get Majora's Mask.

"I don't KNOW, I died and Hermione and Rei were just... there."

Ron grabbed a knife and prepared to commit a mortal sin.

"Accio knife!" cried Cho, rushing into the room. The knife flew to her. Cho, a master of multi-tasking, ducked under it, and it lodged itself into the head of the man she'd been running from.

"Is that Peter Pettigrew?" asked Draco.

Cho caught her breath. "The castle's under attack."

Peter Pettigrew rose like a mummy. But instead of being wrapped in bandages, he was naked.

"It's Naked Peter Pettigrew!" growled Ron, snapping out of his suicidal mood. "Draco, let's go!"

Draco pushed Mizuki to the other side of Crabbe's bed as Crabbe yoinked Khaliun, and pulled her over it as well. Crabbe flipped the table to provide cover.

"Madam Pomfrey! GUN!" he yelled over to her office.

A pink Glock 43 came flying out, and Crabbe caught it in the air.

As Cho continued stabbing the everloving shit out of Naked Peter Pettigrew, who refused to die, Ron and Malfoy were barricading the door with beds. More were coming.

"LITTLE PIGS, LITTLE PIGS," huffed Naked Lupin. "LET. ME. IIIIIIN!" he puffed.

Naked Lupin blew as hard as he could, but the bed barricade held.

"Die already!" Cho screamed, having carved Naked Peter Pettigrew's face like a rat-o-lantern.

But he gargled and spat up a swarm of tentacles at her.

Cho fell backwards, conveniently giving Crabbe a shot. He pink mag dumped into Peter Tentacle's face. It severed the majority of the tentacles, and Cho jumped back on top of him and began stabbing away once more.

"Let me in, boys," pleaded Naked Lupin. "I can help you :) I'm sorry for all the misunderstandings we've had."

"What?" asked Draco.

"You know, you guys never gave me a chance to explain myself. I really never did anything wrong. I'm not saying you did either, you didn't really KNOW I was a good guy, but I want to just clear the air I guess, I'm not mad that you guys killed me," Naked Lupin gaslit.

"That's not going to work on us, Lupin," said Ron. "We're your fellow males."

"Cho?" called Naked Lupin.

"Don't talk to her," growled Malfoy.

"Cho, can you help them understand, I mean no harm?"

Cho froze for a second, Ron's knife and her own tanto in both of Naked Pettigrew's naked eye sockets.

She shook her head clear and told Naked Lupin to go fuck himself.

"Boys..." Naked Lupin said sadly, turning his attention back to the bois.

"Lupin get out of here or we'll be forced to kill you," said Ron.

"Oh, we all know you don't have the SUN POWER necessary to do that anymore, Ronald. Not without your precious Miss Jeong."

Ron's face flushed and he turned away from Malfoy.

"Ron?" Malfoy whispered.

"He's right, Draco... without her... I'm..."

"That's right!" laughed Naked Lupin. "Now just let me in, and I can help yo--ACK! AAAAAGUUUUGUUUU!!"

A thump. And then a gentle knock.

"Hello. My name is Isabel, I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. I killed this naked guy. Are you OK in there?"

Ron and Draco looked at each other, nodded, and pulled the beds away.

They opened the door, and there she was. Chen had recruited another cute Azn girl. Their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was a head shorter than either of them, but she was holding a KA-BAR knife drenched in blood, with a stupid naked werewolf lying at her feet, evidence of her expertise.

ButWAIT

Draco and Ron gasped, alerting Isabel to danger behind her.

I didn't even HEAR him, she thought.

She ducked and spun around. There he was in all of his loose-skinned horribleness. Naked Dumbledore. And he was wielding a Fiskars machete in his right hand. In his left hand, his middle finger was proudly pointed up at her.

"Hello my dear, I'm afraid there's been some confusion. You see, *I* am the Headmaster of this school, and, quite simply, I am not hiring any new professors."

Isabel assumed a fighting stance.

"Although..." Naked Dumbledore licked his lips. "I'd be happy to consider an application to be a student... under my personal tutilege..."

Isabel lunged out at him with her Ka-Bar, but Naked Dumbledore nakedly batted it away with such force that it got stuck in the ceiling. He looked up at it.

"Admirable, you keep your weapon shaaaaaarp," he sang. "Unfooooortunately, a sharp weapon cannot saaaave you from meeeee--YAAACK. AAAKKKGKGKK!"

Too Big to Rig

Isabel had a spidersilk thread tied to her knife and had whipped it down out of the ceiling into Naked Dumbledore's cheek.

The Naked Fraud fell backwards. Immediately, Hagrid rushed over and crushed his skull with a giant boot.

"Is everyone OK?" asked Hagrid.

"Yeah, thanks Hagrid," said Malfoy. "BTW what time is it?"

"Well, it's 6pm Eastern Time in the U.S., the only timezone that matters o' course!"

"Thank God, there's still time to make it to the polls!" said Draco. Ron and Crabbe nodded. "Let's find Harry!"

"Hey guys," said Harry, who found them first. Goyle and Gilderoy Lockhart were with them. Despite her position, Isabel blushed seeing Goyle. He's so in.

"Harry! Are you going to vote?" asked Ron.

"Yeah of course, I was just looking for you lads to come with me," said Harry, smiling.

"Vote? Harry, you're not a U.S. citizen. None of you are," said Cho, raising an eyebrow.

Harry looked at his naive fiancee lovingly. "We're citizens of the WORLD, Cho," he said, rubbing her cheek. "Love HAS no borders."

Harry, Ron, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Gilderoy Lockhart all knew that it was their job, as men, to lead the women in this world-change event. And so they convinced Cho, Mizuki, and Isabel to paint all their faces black and pretend to be refugees. The girls put on fake mustaches to increase their chances of being accepted into the country as slave-laborers and/or free votes. Draco thought it'd be funny to try to disguise himself as a pregnant woman, but they all knew from the former CIA Chief of Disguise, Jonna Mendez, that it was impossible to believably disguise a man as a woman. No amount of make-up can really make a man look like a woman. Draco, like all "penis-havers", would never be a woman. That was OK though because he just thought it'd be funny, he didn't wish he actually was a woman or anything, that'd be crazy.

They apparated just outside the southern U.S. border and waltzed in like they owned the place. Immediately, they were detained by the U.S. border patrol.

"What are you doing here?" demanded the agent, aiming a Heckler & Koch HK69A1e loaded with, presumably, some kind of non-lethal ammunition at them.

"Hi, we're here to vote," said Harry.

"VOTE?" asked the agent, preparing to defend the border. "Are you citizens?"

"We're here to vote for Kamala Harris."

"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO!" hollered the agent joyfully. "Ya'll need a BUS anywhere? Anywhere at all? The country's yourrrr oyster!"

"No thanks, if you could just point us in the direction of the nearest voting booth?" asked Harry.

"Of COURSE, ya'll!" said the agent, handing them a page of directions. "Happy trails!" He fired his launcher in the air in celebration. The round exploded, showering them all in red-white-and-blue freedom shrapnel.

When they got to the voting center, a public library, there were drag queens dressed as Catholic nuns pelvic-thrusting into toddlers' faces by the entrance, in order to promote awareness of issues.

Draco turned to Mizuki. "Mizuki, take this sample ballot in with you, and fill in all the same bubbles, OK baby?"

Mizuki smiled and nodded cheerfully.

"Khaliun," said Crabbe. "We haven't known each other very long, but I'd like you to follow my lead here... as my girlfriend."

Khaliun turned, face redder than John Redcorn. "O-okay, I- I will..." she answered.

Goyle eyed Isabel. He wanted to be more than just a copy of Crabbe, and he hardly knew Isabel anyway. He decided to go a different route.

"Professor, you kinda owe me for saving you from Hell," Goyle said. "So, you should vote for Donald Trump."

Isabel's jaw dropped. "Y-YOU JERK! I didn't ASK you to save me, ya'know!"

Goyle closed his eyes, crossed his arms, and shook his head like an anime character. "Nevertheless I DID save you, so please return the favor and help me Make America Great Again."

"Fine! I would have anyway!" spat Isabel. She wished SHE'D had the kind and chivalrous Crabbe instead of this-- this JERK. Holding it over her head that he'd saved her? Calling her PROFESSOR? If that's the way he wanted it, it was his loss.

"Cho," said Harry, getting down on one knee. Cho rolled her eyes. "Cho, we all know that Trump won in 2020. He was winning handily, everyone went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, people in swing states broke back into the counting centers after closing, and started adding just enough magical mail-in ballots to give Biden the W, including counties where over 100% of the population ended up being counted. They didn't even try to make it believable. Don't you see? We can't let them get away with it again. Sure, many areas have passed legislation now to help protect against more fraud. But we have to do OUR part. It has to be too big to rig, Cho. You know I love you more than any one or any thing on this planet. I want to be with you for 4 more years, besides the rest of our lives. Oh, Cho... will you MAGA me?"

Cho sighed, put on the Make America Great Again hat that Harry eagerly offered her, and got on line. "I still don't think it's right Harry, we're not U.S. cit--"

"Mom, Dad!" called Chen, running over. "Hey lol"

"Chen, what are you doing here?" demanded Cho.

"President Trump hired us to guard the voting centers to make sure that no illicit 'election fortification' takes place this year," said Chen. "It's our first big contract."

"Contract?" asked Harry.

"Yeah Dad, didn't I tell you I'm turning Hogwarts into a PMC?"

"No I don't think so."

"Ah, well I've got to run." Chen jumped up and kissed Cho on the cheek. "Busy busy busy." Chen Naruto-ran away.

Cho smiled. "I'm so proud of him."

Harry was playing with his Digimon X and not paying attention. "Mhmmm. That's my boy."

Ron was getting antsy. He didn't like being around people. His feet hurt. He wished he was back at home. With Rei. He missed her soft touch, her just-enough body odor. FFFffffffffffff she was so TIGHT

"RONALD!" said Voldemort. "Are you having sinful thoughts?"

"Voldemort!" cried Harry, hugging him. "Where have you BEEN?"

Voldemort smiled broadly. "Around." He looked at the group. "I'm glad to see you all performing the civic duty of Americans, even though none of you are Americans. I just came by to tell you, Ronald: I've struck a deal with Hermione."

Ron's eyes widened. "A deal?"

Voldemort nodded. "If Donald Trump wins, the timeline will be stablized enough for Hermione to feel safe in returning Rei."

Harry shook Rei. "See?! He's going to save the world!"

"I know, Harry, I know," assured Cho, rubbing his arm.

Draco was the last to cast his vote. On the way out, he drove his AKC Swinguard Italian stilleto through a nun-insulting drag queen's throat. "Prendi quel fottuto pedofilo pompinaro, brucia all'Inferno a cui appartieni!" Draco growled.

The drag queen's partner tried to tackle Draco, but he was met with a backhand from Goyle's cybernetic arm, which caved his face in. Goyle spat on him as he fell to the ground.

"Se offendi le suore, meriti di morire, frocio," Goyle said.

"Why is everyone speaking Italian?" asked Cho.

"Let's just get out of here, we've done our job," answered Harry, taking out his Sword of Gryfindor and performing a Sauron's Bane to defend Goyle from the final drag queen. After shouting a few slurs, Harry group-apparated them all away.

As the night went on, the gang gathered around Harry's 40 inch dumb-TV, which he specifically bought because it wasn't a """smart"""-TV, and they used a Chromecast to watch Cecil Says's election stream on YouTube. Cecil was launching his new book, Cash Grab 2: Orange is the New Fat.

"It's looking good," said Goyle happily. He turned to Isabel, who turned away from him angrily. Oh yeah, thought Goyle, I was kinda a dick to her. How can I make it up to her?

Harry and Cho were sitting together on the LooOoOoove seat, because they LoooOooooved each other. Cho wasn't even remotely worried because she, being Asian, had closely analyzed the polls and had known for weeks already that Trump was going to win. Harry was anxious, though, fearing a repeat of the infamous fraud of 2020.

Draco was with Cho, though. He was very confident that The Donald would be retvrning to the White House, and he could barely contain his excitement. Perhaps especially because Mizuki was sitting on his lap and was occasionally wiggling her butt to tease him.

When Trump gave his victory speech, there wasn't a dry eye or crotch in the room.

All in all, the gang was having a great night.

HP Longbottom was not having a great night.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!" he shrieked, as the Newsmax election stream played on the TV in his cell. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOoooOOOOOOO!!! N00O!! NO! NO! NO!NO!NO!NO! NO! NO! NO!noOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo!!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "THIS ISN'T HAPPENIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!! AMERICA IS *NOT* CHOOSING FAAAAAAAAAAASCIIIIIIIISMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Neville punched through the TV with his fist, screaming in pain "waaaAAAHHHHHHH!! FUCKING NAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIS!!!!" He took a shard of plastic. "I CHOOSE *DEMOCRACY*!" he growled. "GrrraahhAAIIII CHOOSE WOMEN!!!!!!!" He gripped the plastic with all his might. "I CHOOSE TRANS-RIGHTS!!!!!!" And with one mighty swing, HP Longbottom, imbuing the plastic with his love and empathy, sliced through his prison bars.

"I will NOT let Donald Trump become President of the United States!" hissed HP Longbottom. "This election is INVALID, Trump is a RUSSIAN PAWN, working for pUTIN to eradicate trans kids! Those vodka-fucking--"

"Hey, get back in your cell!" yelled Jack, pointing some kind of femboy rifle at him.

HP Longbottom shrieked at him, empathetically. "I WILL NOT LET YOU TURN AMERICAN INTO HANDMAID'S TAAAAAAALEEEEEEE!!!" And he threw his plastic shard at him like Captain Price killing General Shepard at the end of Modern Warfare 2.

"Waah!" cried Jack cutely, blocking it just in time with his rifle. But HP Longbottom at thrown it with such passion, such love and kindness and good-personness, that its force knocked Jack's rifle into his head, KOing him.

"I'M GOING TO AMERICA," growled HP Longbottom. "Get READY, DRUMPALD."

Little did HP Longbottom know that Trump wasn't in the U.S. anymore. After his victory speech, he immediately set out to begin fulfilling his campaign promise to end the war in Ukraine. On the way there, he stopped by Hogwarts to meet with the leader of the newest global military power, Chen Potter.

"Chen Potter, what a guy, you believe this guy?" asked President Donald Trump to his Slythern Secret Service officer. He turned back to Chen and leaned down to shake his hand.

"President Trump, it's an honor. I hope for a strong, mutually-beneficial relationship between the United States and Hogwarts University," said Chen.

"Believe me," said the Donald, "the honor's all mine. Hey, do you like UFC?"

As the two world leaders worked out the finer details of an alliance, a shadowy figure lurked just outside the window. A shadowy, naked figure.

Lightning filled the sky, and for a hideous split second, Naked Tim Walz was illuminated. He turned his face toward the moon and let out a nightmarish howl. But because I don't want to write more characters, Tim was eaten by Naked Remus Lupin, who screamed his lungs out at the moon and started breakdancing.

Art of the Deal

"You and I are a lot alike," President-Elect Trump said to Chen, after the two of them beat the living shit out of Remus Lupin when he burst into Chen's office.

"Thank you, Mr. President," said Chen proudly. "I've been a fan of yours for weeks. I'm only a few months old, you see, I grow at a rapid rate."

"Ha ha! Just like my son Barron," said the Donald. "He's a little taller than you, though, just a little."

Two of the Slytherin Secret Service agents pulled Lupin out of the room, whimpering in pain.

"As you can see, sir, we've got a real problem with the Moon Presence and >her thralls," said Chen, sitting back down at his desk in his high chair.

"I called Elon about it, I asked him 'Elon, are you still destroying the Moon?' he said to me 'I'm almost ready, but the election's been taking up all my time,'" answered Trump.

"I'm glad," said Chen. "Actually I believe we should hold off on destroying the Moon for the time being. If we can CAPTURE it, now that we've got Elon's rockets, it'll make a perfect base."

"For Space Force?" asked Trump, eyebrow raised.

"For Space Force," confirmed Chen. "Though of course, Hogwarts will be ready to provide support at a moment's notice."

Trump understood the proposal. A shared base, mostly controlled by Space Force, but still shared. It was risky, if the alliance ever broke. It happened at the end of Ender's Game, it can happen IRL. But the nations of the world in Ender's Game were united by war. Chen's Hogwarts and the U.S. had a deeper relationship, one built on strong values.

Trump extended his hand with a big Trump smile, and Chen shook it happily.

Meanwhile...

Harry and Ron were throwing a barbecue to celebrate Trump's victory. Malfoy was grilling some squidburgers with the remains of the giant squid that Cho slaughtered.

"We did it, Ron," said Harry, clanking his beer against Ron's. "We saved America."

"We sure did, Harry, now we can focus on our own issues," replied Ron.

Harry sighed. "Oh yeah... our own issues..."

It was so easy to get caught up in the glorious and historic victory of Donald Trump, that Harry had forgotten all about all of the miserable crap going on in their own lives, in their own country, in their own school.

Harry walked over to Malfoy and got a squidburger. "You see Cho?"

Malfoy pointed his spatula over at the lake.

Finally, the girls had the opportunity to enjoy the water. Harry didn't want to ruin the fun. Especially because they looked so good. But he had to prepare, even if it meant doing it alone.

Harry nodded over at Ron, who nodded back, and turned to Malfoy and nodded and Malfoy nodded back, and looked over at Harry and nodded and Harry nodded too, and they all backed away together toward the school.

"What's the plan?" asked Malfoy.

"We have to fortify the basement levels of the school," said Ron. "Naked Peter Pettigrew was able to burrow right up out of the ground. If he can do it, any of the Moon thralls can, naked or otherwise."

"That's going to take AGES," sighed Harry, "But you're right. In the meantime, we have no choice but to cut off the basement levels from the rest of the school."

Malfoy nodded. "I'll keep a team of my Slytherin Stormtroopers inside it, to ensure a smooth transition once the builders have arrived."

"What do you want me to do, Harry?" asked Ron.

Harry looked at him seriously. He put his hand on his shoulder. "I want you to get better, Ron," he said.

Ron looked down at his yeezys in shame.

"I'm sorry Harry. I... I can't get a grip. I just miss her so much... you really think Hermione's going to bring her back, now that Trump's won?"

"I dunno, you tell me," Harry said, opening the door to the Gryfindor common room.

When Ron stepped through, someone was on the couch facing the fireplace. The mess of hair was very familiar.

Without hesitation, Ron ran to the other side of the couch to confirm what his heart knew. Immediately he fell into her lap and cried. Hermione had kept her promise.

"What a fucking baby," mumbled Draco.

Harry smiled. "Rei, it's good to see you."

She hadn't heard him though, she'd buried her face into Ron's robes.

"All's well that ends well," said Hagrid, gianting in happily.

Harry looked around, worried. "No, something stupid's going to happen. Don't forget the Moon is still up there. We can't get too comfortable. Ron, quit crying. There, there, okay. Okay, spend the night catching up with Rei and absolutely-not having sex outside of marriage, tomorrow we're back to work. All of us."

Harry beckoned Malfoy and Hagrid to follow him back out.

"Draco, how'd Mizuki with a gun?" Harry asked.

"Uh, I don't know really," said Draco.

"Wand?" asked Harry.

"Uh..."

"Draco we need every able body we can get, man, woman, tomboy, femboy. If Mizuki can fight, we need her. I can't carry this--"

"Okay, okay," said Draco.

"THIS ENTIRE *FUCKING* SCHOOL ON MY SHOULDERS, DRACO, YOU KNOW I CAN'T" Harry leaned on Draco's shoulders, emotionally exhausted.

"Harry, I--"

"I know," said Harry. "I know, Draco, I'm sorry, I'm not mad, I'm just under a lot of stress. Find out Mizuki's skills, and either ask Crabbe and Goyle to train her or Madam Pomfrey to teach her advanced healing. We already lost Goyle's arm and I've got a feeling we're going to be having a LOT more amputees soon, like some kind of stupid 'mature' manga."

Draco nodded. "I'll go talk to her now."

"No," said Harry. "Today, we all rest. Let them have their beach day, they earned it by coming to vote for Trump with us, and not listening to those batshit insane Harris commercials urging women to lie to their significant others about who they're voting for like we're living in a fucking dystopia and everyone has to be dishonest with the closest people in their lives because of pure hysteria politics."

"Okay Harry," said Draco. "So... you wanna do anything?"

"I dunno, wanna play video games?" asked Harry, falling into a slav squat against the wall.

"Sure Harry," said Draco.

"I'm just going to..." Harry lied down on the floor. "Take 5 minutes. I'll meet you at the Lake Base?"

"Okay Harry, I'll be in my room there."

"WEE WOO WEE WOO!" cried Alarm Girl, bursting into the scene.

"Everyone please be really careful!" she cried, tripping over her own feet. "Neville Longbottom has escaped from the Lake Base Prison!"

"WHAT" roared Harry.

The Evil Within

"Women of the world..." HP Longbottom spoke solemnly into his phone, making a vid for his TikHog. "I... have no words... Men... have failed you... White people... have failed you... America... *sigh* has failed you. I know that you're angery. I know that you're scared. I know that you feel that there's nothing to live for anymore. BUT DO. NOT. GIVE. IN. TO. FEAR. REMEMBER. what Dune says. Fear is the mind killer. They WANT you to be afraid. What they DON'T want, is for you to be organized and united. They FEAR your strength, they FEAR your Voice. SCREAM into the sky that you WILL NOT GIVE IN TO HAAAATEEEEE!!!!!!!" ........

"Now... America chose Fascist Dictator Donald Trump as their President, despite his promise to genocide and deport all lgbtqp+ people of color. Somehow, Blump used his Russian connections to erase 20 million votes that President Biden fairly got in the previous election, in a clear hostile takeover of the government. That's where we're at. Take time to grieve, to process this. Meditate. Have a mug of hot cocoa. Binge your favorite Netflix show. Anything you need to soothe and to remind yourself that you ARE worth it. Because things are going to get... SO much worse from here... call your black and brown-bodied friends. CRY with them. LISTEN to them scream, LISTEN to their anger. Now is the time for you to BE THERE for them.

You're probably also aware that Chen Potter, the well-known White Supremacist fascist dictator of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was charged and convicted of hate crimes and human trafficking in the UK for systematically replacing all of the "undesirable" students of Hogwarts with Asian vagina-havers. Of course this week he was was illegally rescued from Justice by the intervention of Fascist Dictator Donald Trump..."

"We will NOT allow Chen Potter to get away with replacing the original population of Hogwarts with these new migrants. Such an intentional act is HORRIFYING and EVIL. NOW is the time for us to ORGANIZE. If you see a fellow resister wearing a blue bracelet, it means they ALSO refuse to surrender their right to safe abortions and gender-affirming care. TALK. TO. THEM. Schedule meet ups. Start book clubs. ARM yourselves... because I PROMISE you... they're going to start burning books."

"Hey Harry, what are you burning?" asked Mizuki, walking over to the fire pit.

Harry turned to greet Mizuki and Malfoy. "Ah, just some creepy psuedoscience book about changing your gender. Muggles actually believe you can do it without magic. I found it in the Forbidden Section of the library, but I figure why not clear up some space for books that won't teach a person to irreparably ruin their life by being pumped with unnatural hormones and eviscerating their genitals in a nightmarish plastic surgery so they can attempt to live a lie that no-one around them will ever even believe?"

"Uh yeah, there's probably better books," said Malfoy, opening a candy bar for Mizuki that she couldn't open.

Harry tossed "'The Fallacy of Female' by Doctor("Doctor") Etan Lipschitz into the fire and took a seat. It was starting to get cold at Hogwarts. Fall was coming to an end.

"Harry, I know you've been stressed out that Neville hasn't been captured yet," started Malfoy.

"He keeps making those stupid fucking TikHog videos, and someone always shares them with me," grumbled Harry.

"I know Harry, but he's not having a good time, I assure you. My Slytherin Stormtroopers have chased him out of eleven different countries already."

"He's just too fast to catch, isn't he?" sighed Harry.

Draco nodded. "We need to lure him to us, it's the easiest way."

"And he too afraid of returning here, now that Rei's back," Harry went on.

"We can't send Rei away without sending Ron too," said Draco.

"No, I wasn't thinking that," assured Harry. "She deserves a normal semester after all she's been through. Ron as well."

"Where are they anyway?" asked Mizuki.

"In Ron's room," said Harry, watching the fire.

"Ah."

"That reminds me," Harry said, getting up and stretching. "You see Cho anywhere?"

Malfoy looked away.

"What?"

"Harry..."

"What is it!" Harry grabbed him.

Malfoy sighed. "Cho told us to tell you that she's not seeing you until you pass your College N.E.W.T.s"

Harry started running toward the castle.

Chen was watching Harry sprinting across the campus in his Ring Crystal Ball Security system.

"Why is my dad like this?" Chen asked.

Grandpa Snape tousled Chen's hair. "One day you'll meet a girl who you'll want to run around for."

Chen lit a cigar. "I hope that day never comes. Let's get down to business, grandfather."

Tactician Snape spread out the war map.

"Thoughts?"

Chen looked closely. "Yeah, we're fine. Except for the basement still."

"The construction team won't be ready for another week."

"What's the latest from the quarantine team?"

"The Moon Prescence's Naked Thralls are still attacking relentlessly. But our boys are doing fine."

Chen put out his cigar. "Fine isn't good enough. Send in the Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor."

"INCEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL!!!!" screamed Naked Bellatrix Lestrange, running at Jack, who'd unfortunately drawn a short straw to be part of the quarantine team. Her old lady hag tits flopped freely and unburdened by what has been.

Jack, effectively a helpless girl, cried out and cowered in the fetal position as Naked Bellatrix closed in on him.

The image of a fetus enraged Naked Bellatrix and increased her bloodlust even more. She drew a an Amazon Basics multitool from her ... hair. And she flipped the knife out of it.

But then! Naked Bellatrix's hand disappeared!

"AAAAAEEEEIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE FUUUUUUCKIIIIING NAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS" Naked Bellatrix howled.

Who else had come to Jack's rescue but Isabel, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor!

When Bellatrix turned to fight back, the knife from Isabel's Leatherman Wingman found its mark, sending Naked Bellatrix crashing to the ground.

Serious Black walked over in his wolf form, lifted his leg, and peed on her corpse. Not to mark his territory, that's disgusting. But merely to disrespect her.

Isabel helped Jack to his feet and handed him his gun. "Think you dropped this."

Jack rubbed his head, embarrassed. "Y-yeah professor, sorry... thank you for saving my life."

Isabel smiled. "Just Isabel, please." She turned to Serious.

"Mr. Black..."

Serious smiled. "Just Serious, please lol."

"Serious, where's the rest of the team?"

"At hallway B-4, we're going to make camp there, the ground is relatively solid."

"Excellent." Isabel lit a match and dropped it on Naked Bellatrix's remains. She turned to Jack. "Remember: Always burn the bodies."

"L-like in The Evil Within?" asked Jack.

"Yeah, or Resident Evil. You know, Evil Within was heavily inspired by..."

As Goyle, another member of the quarantine team, overheard Isabel talking about video games from the other room, he was terrified to realize that he had fallen in love with her.

Nuisance

Meanwhile, Harry Potter was taking out his frustration by punching a giant slab of meat like Rocky.

He hadn't had sex in over 36 hours, and he just wanted to shatter the Earth with his fists and VICIOUSLY jackhammer fuck anyone who came near him.

"Hey Harry," said Malfoy, walking down into the freezer to get some meat. He'd unknowingly placed himself in danger of getting a different kind of meat than he was looking for.

Harry spun around, growling like a horny werewolf. Before Draco could even react, Harry had already jumped him, sending him crashing onto his back.

"Harry, what are you doing!"

Before he could tear Draco's pants down, Harry snapped out of it, recognizing Draco as a fren. Harry pulled Draco to his feet, apologizing.

"I'm sorry, Draco," he said. "It's been... rough, without Cho."

"Harry it's been like ONE day."

"I dunno, I've lost track of time."

"No I'm telling you it's been one single day. You can't RAPE me because Cho's--"

"I didn't rape you!"

"You can't ALMOST rape me because Cho's trying to get you to study for your N.E.W.T.s."

Harry sighed. "I know, you're right. I've just got all this ENERGY and I have nothing to SPEND it on!"

"Your N.E.W.T.s?"

"NOTHING to SPEND it on! Nothing at ALL!" Harry repeated dramatically turning away. He gave the slab of magic cow one final hook, sending it flying off the chain and through the wall.

"WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING!" cried Artie Bucco, the chef from The Sopranos, running down. "You know how much that costs!?"

Harry dug a fistful of golden Galleons out of his pockets and handed them to Artie, asking his forgiveness. Malfoy wondered if Harry would ever run out of money to pay his way out of problems, but forgot all about it when Mizuki came down. She was just so FUCKING hot.

"Draco are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, we're just outta meat right now. Head to the store, okay? But I don't want you going alone, take one of my Stormtroopers with you."

"Okay Draco :3 " Mizuki skipped back upstairs.

Draco turned back to Harry. "Harry, I know you're having a rough time. If Mizuki was denying me sex I'd probably throw myself off the roof. But you're STRONGER than me Harry, we both know you are." He took Harry's shoulder. "Some of Chen's business contacts are coming to visit the school, so try to pull yourself together. We've got enough problems going on in the dungeons right now."

Indeed. For in the dungeons, the eggs that Bellatrix had laid prior to being killed by Isabel were finally hatching.

Hundreds of miniature, hideous Naked Bellatrixes exploded out of their eggs and charged at the quarantine team.

"OPEN FIIIIRE!" cried Goyle, dual-wielding his wand and a Heckler & Koch MP5. Isabel and the Slytherins followed his lead. But the horrible Bellatrix swarm was too great, and were gaining ground slowly but surely!

After a few minutes and dozens of dead gothic hags, it was apparent that this wasn't a winnable fight.

"RETREAT TO CHECKPOINT A!" ordered Goyle. He grabbed a fearless Isabel, deafened by her adrenaline, and flung her behind him.

Angered, she almost jumped back into the fray, but knew Goyle was right. She nodded to Jack, who was basically her Meriadoc Brandybuck now, and the two took off after the other Slytherins.

Meanwhile, Mizuki was looking for a Slytherin to pull from his post to take her shopping when she bumped into Ron and Rei, having finally finished their long, passionate, incredibly hot and sweaty study session. Ron's heartrate was still sky-high from all the concepts Rei had helped him understand, and Rei couldn't walk from all the theories Ron had taught her, so she was using her wings to move around. They were DEFINITELY going to pass their N.E.W.T.s!

"Hey guys," said Mizuki. "Do you know anyone who can take me into town to do some shopping?"

"We'll go with you!" said Rei happily. "Lemme just go take a shower." Ron was not happy that he had to run ERRANDS now, but he agreed, at least happy at the thought of some extra studying with Rei in the shower.

"Not so fast, Ronald," said Chen Potter through the loudspeaker. "Please report to the Headmaster's Office ASAP."

Ron shrugged. "Wait for me at the front, I'll see what he wants."

"We'll be FINE, Ronnie," said Rei. "We'll just go on ahead."

After some protest, Ron agreed and kissed her goodbye. He went up to see Chen while the girls went the dorms to get ready.

"Headmaster?"

"Come in, Ron, sorry to pull you away from your... studies. But the school has a unique opportunity."

"What do you mean?" asked Ron. He was surprised to see Harry and Draco there too, already seated. He sat down in a chair next to them.

Chen motioned toward one of his maaaassive Batman monitors. On it, Ron saw a hideous little goblin-like creature running on all fours through a street, attacking Korean people.

"What is that thing?"

"That's Johnny Somali, Ron. It's a 'nuisance streamer' who was recently terrorizing South Korea."

"Okay, why are you showing me this?"

"We have it here. In Hogwarts."

"WHAT? How? Why?"

"Calm yourself, Ron. CAAAAaalm yourself."

Chen nodded to his secretary-- the bustiest girl in school-- and she brought in a strangely diverse group of businessmen.

Ron immediately realized that some were Korean yes, but also some were Chinese, Japanese, a few White men, and there were even two Orthodox Jews. Finally, a towering black man arrived.

"What is this?" asked Ron.

"Ron, we have a rare opportunity to assist in World Peace."

"The TV show?"

"No Ron, real World Peace. Last night, our Korean friends delivered Johnny Somali to us, announcing that it had escaped their country. Because of our uniquely-diverse student demographics here at Hogwarts, we can easily produce a propaganda video that will benefit the whole world."

"Okayyy..."

"This... creature, this Johnny Somali," spoke a Jew. "It must be destroyed. Prior to it going to Korea, it had the chutzpah to invade Israel. Haven't we suffered enough?"

"Eet is an umBAHrasment to da Somali people," rumbled the big blacc man. "Da monstah is not even Somali."

"We cannot arrow it into China!" said a Chinaman. "And those NATO FURGGOTS wirr try to PUNISH China fur preventing it's entry after they FORCERU Korea to rerease it!"

"That's where we come in, Ron," said Chen.

"Mr. Weasley, we want to assure you," said a glowing White man in aviators. "That your little girlfriend is not in any danger."

"What do you mean?" asked Ron. He turned to Chen. "What does he mean?"

Chen motioned for him to calm down. "Ron, I want to use Rei, Mizuki, and Cho, and maybe some other girls, as an unwitting rainbow coalition to destroy Johnny Somali."

Ron looked at him, stunned. "W-what do you mean?"

"Think of the good it'll do for our nations' relations. A viral video showing a group of young women, of all different backgrounds, brutalizing this universally-despised creature."

"But... I don't..."

The CIA Spook cleared his throat. "Mr. Weasley, we plan on introducing a mostly-harmless chemical to the girls that will increase their aggression levels to that of a roid-raging male. When Johnny Somali--who we've ensured has no weapons--attempts to sexually harrass them, they'll kill him. It's that simple."

"What do you mean MOSTLY harmless?" asked Ron suspiciously.

The Spook answered. "Well, a noted side effect is an extreme increase in libido for several weeks. Frankly, it's almost uncontrollable."

In his periphery, Ron noticed that Harry had the dumbest smile on his face in the whole world.

"So that's that," said Chen. "The plan is already underway. I just had to ensure that the three of you wouldn't interfere."

"Whatever," said Draco. "Can I go now?"

"Not yet," said Chen. "Not until we've gotten the all-clear from the spooks on the ground. They'll be covertly administering the chemical to the girls, probably in some coffee they get, and they'll stick around to make sure that Johnny makes contact with them. I want them all to think you're busy with me so they stay out."

"How will the creature know where to go?" asked Ron.

"It's attracted to noise," said Chen. "We dropped it off just outside campus, but it's probably already found its way to town by now."

Harry sat back. "I think it's a great idea, I really do."

Cho Chang inspected her hands, confused. They were soaked in blood. What... had she just done? She just couldn't think straight, her vision was blurry. He fingers ached. She sat down, but was disgusted to find the ground wet. She got back up and looked down. Some kind of ugly little horse-faced male was lying there. It was missing an arm and the back of its skull was collapsed against the stone road.

"I don't..." Cho looked around. People were running all around. Some were against a building. Cho saw Mizuki and Rei were sitting down against the building with others. Whatever building it was. She couldn't figure it out, it wasn't important. Some kind of siren was coming. Cho walked over to the people sitting down. Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil, and Pansy Parkinson were there too. Pansy was laughing, Parvati crying. Lavender Brown just stared ahead.

"Did something happen?" asked Cho.

"I'm gonna go," said Mizuki.

"What?"

"Talk to you later," said Rei, and she passed out.

McDongnagel

Harry Potter walked into town to pick up his murderer fiancee.

The CIA Spook had assured him that none of the girls would remember what they'd done to Johnny Somali.

When he arrived at the bloody scene, Harry was surprised to see Pansy Parkinson there! "Oi Pansy!" Harry said. "Where've you been then?"

Harry forgot that he'd pushed her out a window. And so did Pansy, since she landed on her head, surviving only due to the rapid response of Madam Pomfrey.

"Hey Harry," said Pansy. "Did I do something bad?"

"I don't know or care Pansy," said Harry, noticing Cho and walking over to her. He walked over to her. "Cho, you okay?"

Cho mumbled something and closed her eyes.

Is the CIA's dangerous new experimental rage drug really that bad? Harry wondered. Some cop started running toward him.

"OI OI, WHATS ALL THIS DEN!" he said.

"Okay we're leaving," said Harry, grabbing Cho.

"OI OI, OI RECKON YER NOT!" the cop said, pointing his fingergun at Harry.

"Harr-- I mean Dad," said Chen, talking into Harry's earpiece.

"Hey Chen, what's up?" asked Harry Father.

"The CIA BERSERKER CHEMICAL has made all the girls temporarily dumb and useless! You've got to get them out of there! Hurry! Before that round-eye PIG arrest them!" Chen cried.

Harry took a fraction of a second to fully process his predicament, like using Batman's Detective Vision.

How could he possibly get ALL of them away safely, with a police officer already having arrived!

It took all of his genius to come up with a plan that would work. But, of course, Harry did it.

"Locomotor Wibbly!" Harry cried, jellifying the cop's legs.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" cried the officer, wibblying around on the ground. "WHOoOoAaa-ohhhwhoaaAaaah!"

Harry took a piece of rope out of his utility belt, and tied all of the girls to each other in a single line. Then he led them away like stupid cows, which some of them were.

On the way out, Harry took a Golden Galleon and put it in the cop's pocket. Then he 12-to-6 elbowed the cop on the head, telling him it was nothing personal and that he Backed the Blue a lot of the time. But not this time.

"Harry..." Cho mumbled.

"It's okay Cho, we're getting out of here," Harry said.

"Wheree..."

"Just follow me, you're fine."

"Followww..."

Annoyed almost to death, Harry brought the girls back to school and shut the doors behind them. He took a baseball bat and smashed the Hufflepuff House Points hourglass, and he took all of their sand and poured it into Gryffindor.

Gryffindor was now WELL on its way to winning this year's House Cup!

Hearing the glass shattering, Proffesor McDonalagal came rushing from the main stairwell and asked why Harry had a bunch of girls tied up with rope.

"I can't tell you Professor," said Harry. "I'm working with the CIA right now."

"Potter, you've gone too far this time," said Minerva, a RABID, RADICAL, EXTREMIST 1ST-WAVE OLD SCHOOL HARDCOOOORE MISANDRIST FEMINIST. Minerva McDonaldgal had helped lead the fight for women to gain the "right" to vote in the United States, kickstarting the decline of the once-great nation through wildly irresponsible resource allocation and the destruction of all good social values. "SECTION 5, SUBSECTION 11, PARAGRAPH ELEVENTY SEVEN OF THE SCHOOL RULES STATES, THAT NO FEMALE STUDENT MUST EVER, IN ANY WAY, HAVE THEIR MOVEMENT IMPEDED IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, BY ANY MALE STUDENT, FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER."

Harry knew Minerva's dark past, and that he had to play this very carefully. Or, just like America, she would destroy him. She'd drag him before a Title IX college kangaroo rape court and have him expelled, and the CIA wouldn't do a damned thing to help him. They'd cut him loose, like the expendable pawn that he was.

"Professor," Harry said slowly. "I know this looks icky and creepy and sexist and misogynistic and horrifying and gross and rapey and yucky wucky ducky doo, but I ASSURE you that I'm protecting these girls right now!"

But McGonadale would hear none of it. Now FULLY under the influence of The Moon Presence, she pulled out of her cloak not one, but TWO Sakai Takayuki kitchen knives!

Harry's Uncle Vernon had raised Harry to be a chivalrous man, who'd never even THINK about hitting a woman. Even a decrepit old hag like McGonnnagle. The thought would just never enter his head!

This put Harry in a dangerous situation, obviously. And as Old McDonaldgal ran down the stairs to fillet young Potter, it seemed like Harry would finally stop being the Man Who Lives.

But just as the Takayukis were brought down on Harry, they were BLOCKED!

"W-WHAT IS THIS?!" screamed Minerva in fearful awe.

Cho Chang and Rei Jeong had both snapped out of her fugue states and were holding McGonangal back! Cho was using the Gerber tanto knife Snape had given her, and Rei was using her CRKT Squid pocket knife, one of her favorite everyday carries. It was a little heavy for her, because she was a small, delicate, perfect little porcelin-skinned crescent-eyed angel.

Nevertheless, to protecc her dear friend Harry, she found the strength and more! And as she applied the principles of judo against McGonnagle, slipping to the side and causing the vicious old woman to trip, Cho's fist flew forward, crashing into the witch's face.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Minerva screamed. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, SISTER SUFFRAGETTE?!?!" She retreated back a few steps, but before she could recover, Khaliun and Mizuki leaped over Cho and Rei at her! And then Pansy! And then Lavender Brown! Before long, Professor McGonnagel was being chimped out on by a dozen girls. And they were ALL wearing MAGA HATS!

"What's going on here?" asked Draco, walking into the hall. He really couldn't tell, he only saw a bunch of witches punching and kicking something on the ground like a swarm of bees.

Before Harry could answer him, Mizuki flew out of the swarm and jumped onto Draco.

Harry needed to act FAST to avoid writing a sex scene, but thankfully, Chen was already on it.

"Sleep tight, bitches!" Chen Potter yelled from the top of the stairs, and he began turning the crank of his Gatling-sleep dart canon.

"Good job son!" Harry said, moments before taking friendly fire. Everything went dark.

Breakfast

When Harry awoke, he was on the couch in the Gryffindor common room.

He heard conversation coming from behind.

"In the future, a superintelligent AI determines that women are NEVER mentally competent enough to consent to sex, no matter what age they are. All men who've ever had sex are imprisoned. Women are placed into massive government care facilities for their own good. Escaping the gaze of the NATO Fem-Future Supercomputer, Incels have inherited the Earth, leading to a renaissance of science and art. But it can't last forever. And when a plucky, diverse group of kissless friends decide to explore their local Institution for Metally-Handicapped Females--against the will of the Incel High Council--chaos erupts, and the AI's terrifying Eye turns toward all of Incelkind. Now on the run from both an army of omniscient robot crustaceans, and their own fellow Incels, our autistic heroes must face their fears and discover the terrible truth locked deep within the Institution."

Harry turned around. "Bloody hell, that's incredible!"

Draco blushed, hiding his face behind his papers. "T-thanks, Harry-- I mean, Potter. I uh, it's just something I came up with this afternoon."

Harry got up, but was brought back down by dizziness.

"Easy Harry," said Ron. "You got hit with a load of tranqs."

Harry rubbed his head. It really was killing him. "What happened with the CIA?"

"They've left," answered Hagrid, bursting through the door, carrying a giant plate of bacon and eggs for everyone, and toast and french toast amd pancakes and honey and powdered sugar and sausages and salt shakers freshly filled and glasses of water and glasses of iced tea and bowls of Cheerios and Honey Bunches of Oats and Raisin Bran Crunch and Lucky Charms and Hagrid had forced the factory at Umbrella-point to make the Lucky Charms a CUSTOM batch with a bunch of funny, wholesome, and based new marshmallows, some of which were admittedly racist and not for everyone, but all of which were undeniably better than that time in 2016 or whatever when Lucky Charms added a bunch of gay pride marshmallows, because cereal isn't a place for being reminded of anal sex now is it.

"WAAAH HA HA HAAA!" boomed Hagrid, happy to see his three beloved young ladfriends drooling before him, breathing heavily and sweating at what he was holding out for them.

As the friends dug into their breakfast, the Gryffindor Fat Female portrait was kicked open, and in stormed Cho, Rei, and Mizuki.

This was terrible! Harry, unfortunately an experienced womanizer, knew at once what was going on in their little heads. These were girls in HEAT and they were going to RUIN the breakfast Hagrid had brought for them!

"We've got to get out of here," Harry quickly whispered to Draco.

Draco nodded, already having been warned by Headmaster Chen that the side-effects of the CIA Berserker Chemical were ongoing. But with Cho in her curse-proof armor, Rei being able to turn incorporeal at will, and Mizuki... being Japanese,

it was a miracle Chen had been able to tranq them in the first place. There would be no second shots. The boys had no choice but to RUN from their idiot horny girlfriends like running from Mr. X in Resident Evil 2.

And that's exactly what they did: before Rei could yoink Ron out of his chair with her lightning-neet speed, Harry had yoinked him himself, up and down into a trapdoor, leading to a Charmed room that was for BOYS ONLY, so it was safe, like a safehouse from Resident Evil 2. The breakfast was mostly saved.

"Thanks Harry," Ron gasped. "I wouldn't have been able to resist her."

"Don't thank me, Ron," said Harry, clasping his hands together. "Thank God for this breakfast."

Ron crossed himself. "Bless us, oh Lord, with these Thy gifts which were are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."

"Amen," repeated Harry and Draco.

Suddenly, the door to the safehouse opened.

It was... GOYLE!? He was DRENCHED in BLOOD!

"Hey guys, what are you doing in the dungeons?" he asked, wiping his face. He pointed at a sausage. "Can I get one of those?"

Behind him, Harry could hear the terrible cackling of Bellatrix Lestrange.

Dungeon Defense

"Blood 'ell 'Arry, wut are yew DOIN?!" Ron demanded. Harry was still at his computer in his boxers, instead of dressed for combat.

"Sorry Ron," replied Harry, putting his pc to sleep. "I was just arguing with a 'Jesus was a jew' boomer. He stopped replying, so I win."

"I thought you weren't a self-insert."

Draco appeared at the door. "Bloody HELL, Harry defending the divinity of Christ the Messiah and clearly separating the religion that accepts Him from the worldly, modern dead one that rejects Him is great and all, but we're under attack!"

Harry took out his favorite combat wand. Cho had hand-made it for him, all by herself, for his birthday.

"Right. Let's do this. I really btfo'd him. I bet he'll think twice before being a philosemitic little cuck fagg--"

"HARRY!"

"--faggot, sorry, let's roll."

Harry, Ron, and Draco hopped on their armored combat scooters and scooted to the front lines, where Isabel and Goyle were dancing a black and green dance of death, slicing and dicing miniature Naked Bellatrixes by the dozens. The dwarf hags shrieked and hissed and spat and called them incels, but they couldn't get past the two.

"They're doing a fine job on their own," said Harry, seconds before a Bellatrix latched onto Isabel's arm.

Isabel yelped a girlish yelp, the kind that moves men to ACTION, and in a fraction of a second, Goyle's fingers were pinching the Bellatrix's mouth to force it to let go.

"It's not a matter of-- look, it has nothing to do with being negative toward Jews, do you understand? It's the same issue when people say Jesus was black: the purpose of that is to glorify black people. Jesus is GOD, do you understand? Don't try to USE Christ to deify your ethnicity. And it's just INCORRECT, historically, theologically--"

"HARRY!" yelled Ron, pulling a Bellatrix off of Draco's ankle.

Harry flung a cheap Cold Steel throwing knife into the Bellatrix, pinning her to the floor.

"Heh, sharp enough," Harry said coolly.

Isabel soccer kicked a Bellatrix to Goyle, who headbutted it into an empty classroom.

"GOOOOOOOOOAAALLLL!!" roared the Slytherin Stormtroopers and everyone cheered.

"There's so many," Draco panted. "Harry, if we don't make it, I..."

"You what, Draco?" Harry asked.

"I just..." Draco blushed.

"...?"

Suddenly, a wall EXPLODED, and who else but Hagrid would come charging through it? He was fully-armored like a half-giant killdozer.

"HONEY, I'M HOME!" Hagrid roared, and he open fired with his dual miniguns.

After several minutes, there were finally no more horrible Naked Bellatrixes springing up. Hagrid did an emote.

"Wow thanks Hagrid," said Harry, leaving to go find Cho so she could rape him.

Malfoy and Ron sighed and started picking up the corpses.

The Slytherin Stormtroopers hustled away to go... regroup and uh... refortify their checkpoints. or whatever.

Goyle dressed Isabel's bitten arm.

"Does it hurt?" he asked.

"No..." she answered quietly. She couldn't help but notice how rough his hands were. She'd never felt the touch of a man before. She didn't hate it.

Isabel had been raised in a poor state all-girls witch orphanage. She had never seen a boy in her entire life until the Chinese officer had arrived and purchased her for Hogwarts, unknowingly saving her from a fucking bleak fate in a billionaire's basement in Washington DC.

The Chinese man was cold, but interesting. He had a strangely attractive efficiency as he drove her around Southeast Asia in his flying bus to pick up more students for Headmaster Chen's "Happy Diversity NOW" Program. Isabel felt safe with him behind the wheel and would never forget him.

A similar feeling was now welling within her, but it was different. It felt warm, it felt embarrassing. Isabel realized Goyle had said something to her and she hadn't heard it.

"Aaarehm s-sorry, what did you say?" she asked.

"I said I heard you talking to Jack about The Evil Within."

"Oh. Yeah."

"It's a. Good game."

"Yeah."

"Any other games you like?" Goyle asked awkwardly.

"I dunno..."

"... Well, your arm should be okay now."

"Thank you."

"If it starts to hurt or get worse, uh, come to me, okay?"

"Okee..."

Goyle smiled and gave a wave as he left. He felt OKAY about that interaction. It wasn't great, but she OBVIOUSLY felt something, he just had to not spill his spaghetti and he'd be fine. Next time. Definitely next time, he'd make a move.

Isabel sat in bed for a few minutes before she cast Diffindo on her own arm.

Congressperson

"What the FUCK you think you doan, Potter?"

Chen lit his tobacco pipe and hopped up onto his high chair at his desk. "Ah, Congressperson Lasheeka, what brings you to Hogwarts?"

"I HERE to AXE YOU *WHY* 27 LGBTQP+ and BIPOC folks, expeshally Black an Brown-bodied ones have been EXPELLED from yo castleass school in DIS year ALHONE!"

Chen puffed a smoke dragon dancing through the air. "Congressperson, I'm sorry that your time's been wasted. Zero students have been expelled from Hogwarts this year."

"DEEZE NAMES ON DIS LIST R STUDENTS DAT NO LONGER ATT-EEEND HOGWARTS, ROIGHT?" Congresswoman Lasheeka hooted, slamming a piece of paper down on the desk.

Chen didn't look at it. "Yes of course, in order to make the school more diverse and equitable, we've begun a program to exchange some of our students for more under-served and under-privileged students."

"DEY ALL AYSHANS!" Lasheeka roared.

Chen feigned offense. "As an Asian person myself, I take great offense in your blanket generalization of our students, Congressperson Lasheeka. You'd do well to educate yourself on the rich diversity to be found among the numerous different Asian cultures."

"YALL KNOW WHAT YALL DOIN, CHEN POTTUR," Lasheeka growled. "And if yall tink the United Nashuns gon stand for dis bullshit, yall got anothathang COMIN racist ass honky ass yellow buck tooth lil ching chong rice eatin bitchass soymilk drinkin fuckin roundface fuc--"

From the hallway, Ron Weasley heard Headmaster Chen being dressed down by the Congressperson. He knew he didn't have to intervene though, the Headmaster had told him he was expecting to be attacked by the Wizarding-UN.

JK Rowling's Wizarding World, unfortunately, was very much the same as the Muggle world. And under Dumbledore's tenure, Hogwarts had been forced by the Chancellor of Germany to provide housing for hundreds of male fighting age "refugees" from mysteriously war-torn countries.

When Chen became the Headmaster, he wasn't exactly surprised at the skyrocketing crime near the Hufflepuff dorms, where the housing had been built to provide easy access to the kitchens for the men. But while Dumbledore's pale cracka ass hands were tied, Chen used his mother's connections to wealthy families in China to meet with its Magical Politicians, who were happy to approve of his Happy Diversity NOW! program to revitalize Hogwarts.

The rest was history, and Hogwarts was finally beginning to resemble a school again, instead of one of the many places where police don't drive to anymore in Sweden that American liberals desperately deny exists because science and logic say that we're all one race the human race and if you just give people enough education and free stuff then they won't rape you.

Ron moved out of the way as the Congressperson stormed out of Chen's office. Despite his best effort, her gigantic fucking thigh touched him and he involuntarily gagged. Thankfully she didn't see him, because she'd never dream of apologizing for bumping into a yt boy, when her entirah LIFE dey been finna keep her down. Time's UP, Weasley!

"Ah, Ron! Please, come in," Chen said, noticing him because Congressperson Lasheeka had not closed the door because thatt is NOT her job.

Ron entered, closing the door behind him.

"Headmaster, I'm worried about the Moon..."

Chen nodded. "As am I, Ron. But, things will work out."

The Weeze was not convinced. "How can you just SAY that? We BARELY held on to the Dungeons. And it's probably preparing another assault as we speak!"

Ron was right, for at that VERY MOMENT, HP Longbottom exploded from the ceiling onto Chen's desk, a brick landing on Ron's head and knocking him out cold.

Neville grinned a hideous, lovecraftian, cosmic indifference grin, chuckled coldly and said "THE COLD COSMOS HAVE COME FOR YOU AT LAST, POTTER. NOT FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON, BUT PURELY IN A RANDOM MEANINGLESS JOKE THAT YOU CAN ONLY RATIONALIZE PITIFULLY WITH YOUR SMALL MONKEY BRAIN! THE MOON PRESENCE WILL RULE THIS WORLD LIKE A DOMMY MOMMY STEPPING ON A RAT WITH A HIGH HEEL, AND YOU ARE THE RAT, POTTER. YOUR POINTLESS EXISTENCE WILL NOW COME TO THE CONCLUSION YOU SPENT SO MANY DAYS HOPELESSLY FLEEING FROM WITH YOUR WORTHLESS PRAYERS AND YOUR INVISIBLE SKYDADDIES, AND NOW I, HP LONGBOTTOM, AM THE HARBINGER--"

"Locomotor Wibbly!" Harry shouted, jellifying Neville's legs.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed HP Longbottom, flailing around on the desk.

Harry Potter grabbed his son out of his high chair and kicked Ron awake. "Come on, Ron, we've got to get to the Salazarium!"

The Hunger

"Crabbe!" Goyle yelled.

"Goyle..." Crabbe goyled.

Goyle caught up to him and put his big heavy android hand on his shoulder.

"What's been going on with you?" he demanded.

"Me? What's been going on with YOU!" Crabbe glared at him. "Ever since you lost your arm, you've been really DISTANT, bro."

"Bro..." Goyle said sadly. "I saw things in Hell. Things that changed me."

"What things?"

Goyle didn't answer. "Who's that?" he asked, pointing behind Crabbe.

Some guy in a Bad Religion shirt was walking toward them. "Hey folks!" he said. "Have either of ya'll seen Harry Potter and or his son Chen Potter? Or maybe Cho Chang?"

"Uh, no, who are you?" asked Crabbe.

"I'm... a new exchange student. And I was told to see a 'Headmaster Chen'... I dunno where I'm supposed to go." he shrugged with that gay raised eyebrows side-smile that people do when they want to act really innocent, as if it's not his fault that he's showing up for school and doesn't know where he's supposed to go, it must be somebody else's fault for not telling him exactly what to do.

"Huh. Well, why don't you come with us, and we'll help you find Headmaster Chen," Goyle said.

"No, that's okay!" said the young man. "I don't want to interrupt ya'll, I'll find him on my own."

"It's a security issue," said Crabbe. "We can't leave you all alone, the school's under siege from monsters."

"Monsters?" the student asked.

"Yeah. Monsters. These, uh... Lovecraftian Redditor Squids from the Moon."

"Woah. Well, I think I'll be okay--"

"How do... you feel about Reddit?" asked Crabbe.

"I uh, I hate Reddit. They're a bunch of libtards."

"Yeah, they are, aren't they..." Crabbe stared at him.

The student went on. "Although, don't you think the far-right is just as bad as the far-left?"

Crabbe just kept staring at him.

Suddenly, Goyle sneezed.

"God bless you," Crabbe said.

"Gesundheit," said the student.

Crabbe was squinting so hard by now that you could call him Caraburu.

"Okay, on your way," he said finally.

The student smiled and nodded. He turned and started to walk away.

"Hey, Neville?"

"Yeah?" Neville asked. "FUCK!!!"

Crabbe and Goyle opened fire on Neville Disguisebottom, who erupted from his gay punk rock tee in a flood of tentacles.

"INCELS!!!" shrieked Neville. "HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?!"

"AS IF YOU COULD EVER CONCEAL HOW FUCKING GAY YOU ARE FROM US, NEVILLE!" roared Crabbe, slicing through his tentacles with cool-whipping Zoro Diffindos.

"All Fantastic Images" by Bad Religion started playing as the battle heated up.

"Cognitive dissonance, the mental gymnastics of the faithful!!!" Neville screamed along euphorically as he brought the stone walls of Hogwarts down around him. Hoards of the remaining magical migrants began pouring out from around him.

"My comrades!" he cried joyfully. "I stand in solidarity with you!" He pointed at Crabbe and Goyle. "Those RACIST CHRISTOFASCISTS CHUDS have been preventing you from assimilating peacefully with the local vagina-owning people! Your anger is valid, now KILL THEM!"

"AWAHHOOOWAAAAH!!" yelled a 23 year old thin lean-muscular man, grabbing Neville's arm with powerfu,l long, filthy fingers with everything imaginable under the nails. He started twisting on Neville's arm like he wanted to tear it off and eat it. Because he did.

"NO! WAIT!" Neville yelled, pushing him away. "I'M ON YOUR SIDE! YOU JUST NEED MORE INFORMATION--"

Meanwhile, a Quidditch game was going on at the Quidditch field. The Slytherin Stormchasers were playing against the Hufflepuff Honeybadgers, and beating the fucking shit out of them. 2 of the Hufflepuff players had already been beaten to death by the Slytherin Beaters and the game was only in the 1st quarter!

But something sinister was going on in the stands.

"Hey, kids," said famous YouTuber Penguin0, "Which team are you picking?"

"I dunno," said a 1st-year Ravenclaw girl, ripe for being influenced by an influencer. "Slytherin I guess."

"See that wasn't so hard lol" said Penguin0. "Picking sports teams is easy. You know what else is easy to pick?"

"YOU, WITH THE LONG HAIR, COME HERE!" said a Slytherin Security Guard.

Penguin0 began talking quickly to the Ravenclaw girl. "If you're ever feeling confused about anything, you have a right to talk to a doctor about it, do you understand? You're not your parent's property."

"What? I don't know what you mean..."

"That's OKAY! You just need to speak with an expert, do you have your phone on you? Here, download the BetterHelp app--"

"GET AWAY FROM HER, CHARLIE."

Penguin0 started to get frustrated and pulled a small pill bottle from his pocket. "We don't have much time, sexperts agree that this is completely reversable, so just it's better to be safe--" Penguin started shoveling magical testosterone pills into the girl's throat.

The security guard had finally caught up to him, and yanked him by his hair away from the girl.

"HEEEEEEELP!" Penguin0 cried. "THIS GARBAGE HUMAN NAZI IS TRYING TO MURDER THIS TRANS-BOY!!"

The crowd gasped and turned to the ruckus.

As the security guards were handcuffing the YouTuber, the Ravenclaw girl began breaking out in facial hair.

"W-what's happening to me?" she moaned in a progressively-deeper voice, feeling her furry face. "I don't... feel so..."

Then she turned into a giant ape.

"WORT WORT WORT, ROAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOO, I HAVE A PENISSSSSS!!"

"Evacuate the stadium," ordered Chen from his Fischer Price walkie talkie as he watched the situation play out from the Lake Base. "Send Gilderoy Lockhart in there NAO!"

"Where's Crabbe and Goyle?" Harry asked Hagrid.

"Oi don't know, Arry, ai avent eard from them in over an our! Dey were last seen in the 5th floor-- woi, da security cameras 'ave been destroyed!"

Harry took off his robes and put on his favorite wifebeater. "I'm going in there."

"DAD" said Chen. "It's too dangerous!"

Harry smiled and kissed his son's head. "I'm Harry Potter. It's my job."

Harry radioed Jack. "Prepare my Slythdam Suit."

"Aye aye, sir!" Jack responded.

But when Harry got to the Slythdam bay and opened up the cockpit of his Slythdam, Cho was already waiting inside. "Harry."

"Cho."

Suddenly the radio went off.

"We're okay guys," said Crabbe. "Some undocumented immigrants ate Neville."

Moonbrooke

"Choose what snacks you want," said Hagrid.

Harry scouted around for some corn chips.

Ron nabbed a package of oatmeal cream pies.

Draco found a bag of the most delicious store-made popcorn any of them had ever laid eyes on.

The guys were at the local Wizard Joe's shopping for an evening of playing video games while the girls watched them and looked pretty. They deserved it after Neville Longbottom had finally been shut up for good, showing that sometimes replacement migration can have unintended benefits. Though Hagrid was still tasked with physically removing, so to speak, the non-Hogwartians from Hogwarts.

"D'you guys mind if I play Dragon Quest 2 on the big TV?" asked Harry.

"I thought you weren't a self-insert," commented Draco.

"Bois, let's get movin!" Hagrid hagged, flashing his Hogwarts credit card at the cashier. She went blind from its shining golden spending limit, even though they were buying less than $100 of snacks. Hagrid knew that every dollar counted, since he got 100% cash-back in various memecoins from every single transaction he made.

The CIA, which was frantically trying to delegitimize crytocurrency, had unwittingly made Hogwarts one of the richest corporations on the planet in a matter of months. Chen Potter had cast a charm on all of their computers, using their own Intel CPU backdoor, which showed them China-approved edits of the current market and their own accounts. Every time the Spooks popularized a memecoin, Hogwarts and China knew, and using Chen's charm, would trick the aviator-wearing gwailous into buying high and selling low as The People's Republic of Hog Kong bought low and sold high. An almost 1:1 wealth transfer. Hogwarts had become Hog Kong in exchange for unlimited interest-free loans from China to purchase more crypto. As China and HogKongwarts continued to profit from this, they continuously reinvested into weapons and soldiers, the true backing of wealth, though precious metals remained an especially useful and recession-resistant commodity when HogKongwarts had no more housing space available.

Chen and the Donald had come to a simple agreement in private. Hogkongwarts would keep the U.S.'s money much safer than it currently was. Eventually the fraud would be revealed, casting the U.S. into a neo-depression, with all of the blame falling squarely onto the intelligence agencies. Trump would finally have enough public support to drain the swamp in an emergency military junta and transform it into a monarchy for the good of the nation, like Napoleon, to implement crucial social reformations.

Chen would then restore a sizable amount of the U.S.'s fortune, along with constructing several Hogkongwarts bases around the U.S. to help ensure continued positive diplomacy between the U.S. and China, forever, until death do us part. It would be the marriage of two great nations, and this isn't just some kind of Ender's Game fantasy I have where I'm married to a woman who doesn't even speak the same language as me but we still understand each other perfectly and we have 7 kids, each one stronger than the last, they all speak at *least* English and Mandarin. All the girls are judokas, all the boys are boxers or kickboxers. Not all of them are champions, but they're all *good*, you know? A few of them fight full-time, and they're the champions obviously. The rest are astronauts, engineers, one of the girls is a singer/songwriter, like a *really* good one, and she starts her own record label and works with Ye West. They're all giving me grandchildren when they're in their 20s, the boys are marrying like, famous Olympic gymnasts and ballerinas, the girls are marrying war heroes who were fighting bugs in space. I die at the age of 100, by my own choice like Aragorn, in my own house, completely content, holding my wife's hand, she dies at the exact same time as me because she can't live without me, we're surrounded by like 100 grandkids that can't even fit in the room. We see Saint Peter and are in God's light forever.

And for all of those reasons and more, Chen Potter and President Trump were able to come to their agreement.

"Bloody 'ell!" Goyle sighed, dressing Isabel's wound. "I guess the Minitrix got you worse than we thought..."

Isabel was quiet. "Yeah..." she said. Her heart was beating so loud in her ears she couldn't think straight. Goyle's's's's touch was so intoxicating she couldn't bear it. It sent a warmth into h--anyway, he finished and uh idk. he was going to leave and she said

"Goyle, wait!"

"What's the matter?"

"There's-- there's something I have to show you..."

Blushing furiously, but unable to stop herself, Isabel rose to her feet and removed her cloak.

As she started to pull her shirt off, Goyle held his hands up respectfully, even though he desperately wanted to see her naked again anyway. "W-wait a minute!"

When Goyle put his hands down, he saw that Isabel not only had *perfect* nipples, but that she had the wings and tail of a demon.

Meanwhile, Mizuki, Cho, Khaliun, and Rei were sitting Indian-style in a girl circle as the guys huddled over Harry, who they were allowing to play 15 minutes of Dragon Quest 2.

"Look, Cho! I got the Water Flying Clothes! They're the best armor in the game for the Princess of Moonbrooke!" Harry called over.

"That's great, Harry!" Cho said.

"All students, please refrain from leaving your Common Rooms until tomorrow morning," Headmaster Chen announced through the loudspeaker. "I'm actually just letting you know that I'm locking you all in wherever you are right now. The hallways will be accessible once again at dawn, thank you."

"SLUMBER PARTYYYY! :D " Rei yelled.

"Sarum-buru part-ey?" Mizuki questioned.

"Whaddya think that was about?" asked Ron.

Harry shrugged. "Who knows what Headmaster Chen is ever up to?"

"He's your son, Harry," said Crabbe.

Meanwhile, Serious Black, Snape, and Chen were standing in the main hall, waiting for Gilderoy Lockhart. Chen and Serious were having a serious debate.

"As I've said before," said Chen. "the area between the miniskirt and knee socks is invincible. You could even say it's a holy Absolute Territory!"

Snape nodded in agreement, but Serious Black wasn't convinced.

"That's all well and good, but what about armpit?"

The doors flung open, and in walked Lockhart, dragging a massive net behind him. In it was the unfortunate Ravenclaw girl-turned ape. At his sides were several Slytherin Stormtroopers, transporting other giant, hideously-transformed students who'd been tricked into "making a decision with their parents and doctor"

Serious whistled. "Would you look at that?"

"This is serious," Chen said.

"What?" asked Serious.

"I mean this is grim. We can't let these things penetrate the walls. There's sure to be more of them out there, Penguin0 and the rest of his gay YouTuber friends were in town for at least a month." Chen looked up at the sky. "And the Moon's looking thicc tonight."

Indeed she was, and she FELT "thicc" too. Thicc enough to burst. The Moon Presence was so happy to see so many people wildly fucking up their lives. She couldn't contain her euphoria any longer. A flood of moonsquids exploded out from her craters toward the school.

"Get inside!" ordered Chen.

"Should we bring these in or not?" Lockhardt asked.

"They're still students," Snape said.

Chen eyed the snoring ape-people, some still wearing tattered rags of their school robes "Dammit... bring them in!"

FATE/Longbottom

"Oi Arry!" hagged Hagrid, passing by carrying a bundle of firearms.

"Oi, Agrid," hagged Harry cheerfully, adjusting the brand new newsboy hat the Cho had gotten him for no particular reason, just because she loved him. "What's going on?"

"Nice hat, Harry," said Cedric Digory. "Peaky Blinders?"

Harry immediately got so mad he lost his breath and his face was flush rage-red. His vision got fuzzy and he lost his balance and had to sit down, from this sudden insult. He recovered in a second to defend himself. No, not to defend himself, but to REPEL this assault on him.

"Cedric what are you doing here? And no, I haven't even seen Peaky Blinders, I don't watch shitty gay Netflix shows. Those are for boring people like you. Newsboy hats are just cool, I've wanted one for a LONG time, okay? So my fiancee Cho got me one. You know, Cho? The one that got away from you, because you got killed. She'll never admit it but I'm sure she's glad that you died so she could end up with me instead. My reason for thinking this? Well, she was ALREADY with me lol. You know how she kept telling you she was too nervous and not ready to have sex? What did you think she was doing with me in the Prefect bathroom that night you caught us? You really believed we just had detention and were scrubbing the tub? Cho's skin isn't a sponge, Cedric, it's soft, delicate silk. no matter how much I pushed her against that porcelain, it's not getting scrubbed, I can assure you of that we left that tub dirtier than when we entered.

"Oh, sorry Harry," ced Cedric.

"Thank you for apologizing, it was a really ignorant thing of you to say, so I do appreciate you apologizing," said Harry. "Also aren't you dead?"

"I'm a ghost, Harry," said Cedric.

"Okay, so what's up?"

"There's disturbing rumours in the spirit world, Harry."

"'Spirit world'? What the hell are you talking about, Cedric," Harry asked, barely caring. "What, Purgatory? I don't think you went to HELL, you weren't that bad. I would have guessed you went to Heaven."

Cedric shook his head. "No Harry, I'm talking about a world just barely separate from this one. A world spirits inhabit freely. It's not an afterlife nececssarily, it's a uh... I don't quite know how to..."

Harry yawned loudly and rudely. "I don't care, Cedric. Just get to the problem."

"The MOON, Harry."

"Yeah."

Cedric looked at him seriously. "HP Longbottom--"

"Is dead, he was eaten by People of Undocumentation."

"He's BACK Harry, they shit him back out and he put himself back together again! And word in the Spirit World is he's now constructed a portal on the Moon which allows him to summon HEROIC SPIRITS as servants to fight for him!"

"Fate?"

"What?"

"That's the Fate series. You summon historical heroes to do battle for you."

"I dunno what that is," Cedric said.

"I'm telling you what it is, Neville is copying a visual novel/anime series."

"It's a big problem, Harry, what if he summons some kind of warlord like... like Attila the Hun?"

"Altera."

"What?"

"Sometimes the characters are gender-swapped, in FATE, Attila the Hun is this delicious slender girl called Altera."

[author's note: FUN COINCIDENCE, I just got Altera on my fate tamagotchi!]

"Okay."

"On the border of flat-chested and small-breasted, neither one perfectly fits. She's got long legs and a long, toned torso. She's freaking insane looking, Cedric. Her tummy kinda looks like Cho's. You remember what that looks like, ri-- oh I'm sorry, you never even got to see Cho's tummy lol."

"Harry, please--" Cedric started actually crying. Harry pitied him and backed off. He knew he'd gone too far, and regretted it.

"I'm sorry Cedric... Cho cared about you very much," Harry said very sincerely, placing his hand on Cedric's ghostly shoulder. Although in Cedric's mind, and everyone else's in the room, they felt by now that Cho cared in the guilty, pitying way a girlfriend cares in a Netorare doujin.

But while Cedric was caught up in the past, Harry was already figuring out a plan of action to stop Neville from summoning any Heroic Spirits that might threaten Hogwarts.

"We should have the Hogvotos girls attacc the Moon," Harry suggested.

"No," said Chen Potter, who'd just arrived in his mech legs which made him 6 feet tall. "We're much closer than they are, we should attack the Moon OURSELVES."

"But how can we get to it?"

"I think I can help with that," said a pleasant, autistic voice from behind.

Everyone turned, and Elon Musk was standing before them in his business jacket and a Make Moon Great Again hat.

Meanwhile, the giant hormone-apes that Penguin0 and his YouTuber pals had created were in the dungeon. Dr. Snape had put them all on suicide watch because for whatever reason, becoming hideous monsters had not cured their body dysmorphia. But he couldn't do much more for them. The town pharmacy was under attack by the Moonsquids which had rained down from the Moon's Orgasm, which is NOT just pee. Snape couldn't get his hands on the real-medicine, like antipsychotics, that he needed to treat any of magical grooming victims. From the prison next door, Penguin0 pounded on the door, sobbing and begging Snape to let him cut the girls' breasts off and turn the boys' genitals into hamburger meat, so that they could be cured.

Draco Malfoy stomped down with Mizuki and asked Snape for as many explosives as he could spare, since Snape was also, of course, the Explotions Master.

"What do you need all this for, Draco?" asked Severus.

"We're going to the Moon, Professor. Who knows what fortifications Neville's managed to put together?"

"I thought he was dead."

"INCELS!" hissed HP Longbottom, appearing before them in a puff of smoke.

"GO, DRACO," Snape ordered, pulling a longsword out from under his desk. Draco pulled Mizuki's hand and they ran off, Snape kicking the door shut behind them.

"HUEHUEHUEH" chorteled HP Longbottom. "What will you do, chud? The castle is already surrounded bYAACK!"

Isabel had snuck up behind him and stabbed him through the back of the neck. Goyle was right behind her, and as HP Longbottom spun around to strike her, Goyle pushed her down out of harm's way with one hand and caught Neville an overhand right that would win Knockout of the Night at any given Fight Night at the APEX ARENA IN LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, MAKE SOME NOISE IF YOU. ARE. REAAAADY!!!!!!

Neville dropped to the ground, defeated.

Snape began dissolving him Heisenberg style, and let them know that they could still catch the Space-X rocket to the Moon if they hurried.

But Isabel looked distressed.

"What's wrong?" asked Goyle.

"Do you still want me to go with you... How can you trust me... since I'm..."

Goyle caressed her cheek. "I don't care, you're hot."

Meanwhile, at Gryffindor common room, Harry and Ron were playing Splatoon on their Nintedo Switches while Rei and Cho got everything ready and packed everyone's bags.

"Life is such a blessing, isn't it Ron?" asked Harry, splatting Ron in-game.

"Okay everyone! Let's get going," said Cho.

"Hup, NOT you Mom and Dad!" said Chen Potter.

WAT

"That's right! We need you down here, the castle's still getting too much heat. Ron and Rei will be going to the Moon with myself, Elon and a squad of Slytherin Stormtroopers. I see worry on your faces, but no fear. Voldemort has already promised he'll meet us there. Come on now, let's get moving!"

Harry and Ron moaned and packed their Switches. Harry handed Ron a new Sig Sauer P320 that had a racial slur lovingly engraved on its barrel. "This is for you, Ron, a present to celebrate our friendship."

"Thanks, Harry!" Ron said cheerfully. "I owe you one."

"You owe me nothing Ron, you hear me? Nothing. I love you and Rei. No matter what-- look at me, you're my brother. You stay safe up there."

A single tear shed from Ron's eye as Rei collected him to go to the Moon.

Caster

Malfoy and Mizuki were disappointed to learn that Chen planned on taking only a smoll strikeforce to take the Moon.

Or rather, Malfoy was disappointed. Mizuki didn't really care, she's a girl and is just cheerful wherever she is as long as Draco's there, she didn't have any stupid ambitions of space-conquest like some kind of gross and annoying cyberpunk girlboss Nobunaga.

To celebrate not having to do any work, Draco took her, and Harry and Cho, out to McHoggle's for Hogflurries. The restaurant had recently been cleansed of the animatronic evil of Burger Rat.

The restaurant had always been one of Harry's favorites and he was delighted so see that it was no longer a real-life horror game.

The only problem was that without the animatronic band, that big empty stage was BEGGING to be filled like Isabel was as she and Goyle remained back at the school.

But after Goyle's recent conversion to Christianity, he would not satisfy Isabel's want. Harry, however, WOULD satisfy his OWN want of filling that stage.

"Draco," he said. "Let's start a band!"

Draco looked at Harry, puzzled.

"I didn't know you could play an instrument, Harry."

"I can play the guitar!" Harry assured him.

Cho gently touched his arm.

"Maybe not lead though" he added.

"Well, I can play pretty well actually," Draco said.

"Good, you're lead! See, everything is coming together!" He turned to Cho, excited.

Cho sighed, knowing that Harry would correctly assume she could play something because she was Chinese.

While Harry was trying to create a band, Professor Snape was trying to create a cure for the Life-Ruining Chemical Castration Healthcare that had been done to some of the more impressionable young students of Hogwarts by Logical Science-Loving Geniuses. Even though the illness-affirming treatment they'd received from their atheist mad-scientist pediatricians was completely safe and reversible, for some bizarre reason, Snape was having the hardest time actually reversing it, even with the help of magic!

After many failures to help these victims of logic and reason "restart puberty", he'd come to the conclusion that he'd have to use some form of time-reversal magic on their bodies, which is coincidentally what you'd also have to use in real life because your body doesn't stop growing if you prevent it from having a healthy puberty and you're not going to undo the damage you cause it later on.

Snape was set on saving the students from living life on Halo 2 Legendary difficulty with fucked up controllers, so he sent a time-signal to Voldemort, asking for his expertise.

But Volds was busy at the moment.

"Lord Voldemort," Chen said, shaking his hand.

Voldemort smiled broadly. "Chen it's so good to see you. All of you."

It'd been a smooth journey, courtesy of Space-X. Elon was waiting back at the rocket. Chen left the Slytherin Stormtroopers to guard it, though it was of course unnecessary as Elon had brought a small army of his own children in space marine armor.

"THANK YOU, ELON!" Voldemort waved at him.

Elon waved back and saluted(Roman).

"I love him so much," Chen said as they moved forward. Elon might have been controlled op, but he was OUR controlled op and it's so funny to m-- I mean, to Chen, to see how upset Elon Musk makes Chen's political opposition(gay retards)

"There it is, the uh... leyline," said Ron, pointing at a... leyline.

"Very interesting," said Rei, inspecting it. "But where's the Holy Grail?"

"Oh, Neville doesn't have it, Cedric was wrong," said Voldemort. "He's retarded, that's one of the reasons I killed him."

"Ahh," said Ron. "So Neville CAN'T summon any Heroic Spirits to attack Hogwarts?"

"No, he still can, the Moon Presence presumably has enough fem-magick inside of >her to make the summons, since women are so powerful and--"

"I know you're being sarcastic to shit on feminist witches, but I'm still a woman," sniffled Rei sadly. Ron gave her an encouraging hug.

Voldemort was ashamed on himself. Sometimes he spent so much time on the Internet seeing only feminist posts, since normal(real) women aren't posting their pea-brained thoughts on Twitter that he forgot that MOST women(females) aren't actually insufferable cunts, stupid, unfunny, lame, foul, gross retards--fat, too. Fat, hairy, unhygenic, but YOU will still fuck them, so they think they're hot shit, YOU aren't just the enabler, you're the cause.

Men who have casual sex with unattractive women should be burned at the stake.

As Chen thought all of these thoughts, they arrived at the summoning circle. By now, Rei had recovered from Voldemort's unfair anti-woman comment, and was ready to CAPTURE THE TERRITORY.

"Ron, protecc her at all costs!" Chen said. "The Moonsquids are coming! The Presence is aware of our presence!"

In the distance, a hundred million squids were indeed slimely charging toward them like a Perfect Storm tidal wave of tentacles. It was the scariest thing to ever happen.

Were they expecting this?! Ron thought to himself. We're going to buried alive!

As the Squids towered over them, a blinding light surrounded them and Ron's heard nothing but a high-pitched EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

When Ron could see again, there was a lake--no, an ocean of dead squids surrounding them. Ron heard a voice he did not recognize.

"I guess you [racial slur] summoned me just in time..."

Ron spun around to see a pale girl with long whitet hair, wearing a--never mind, just wearing a white robe.

"W-who are you?!" Ron demanded.

"Just call me Caster." She winked and made a peace sign.

And as Chen caught Caster's attention, Rei mouthed a name to Ron.

He couldn't believe what she said.

The King of Magecraft

"Merlin! My old master!" Voldemort cried happily, grasping Merlin's(female) hand.

Merlin blushed fiercely. "B-BAKA! I DON'T KNOW YOU! And WHO are you calling 'old'!?" She pulled her hand away and gave Mort's cheek a Call of Duty Big Red One. wah-PAH!

Voldemort's stinging face could not break his smile. "But I know you, Master, how could I not? Your body may have changed, but your spirit is as clear to me as ever!"

Ron whispered to Rei. "So this is what Harry meant by the Heroic Spirits being genderswapped sometimes..." Ron reflected on the Merlin he knew, from the Chocolate Frog Famous Wizards Trading Card Game (formerly known as "Famous Witches and Wizards Cards" until Voldemort declared that trading card games were a male space and women did not have the right to make them feel uncomfortable and unsafe. The Death Eaters started sending death threats to the feminist community/media managers of the Chocolate Frog Company, and even beat several of them up quite badly, with their powerful man hands. They also relentlessly spammed the company's customer service email with all kinds of SCREENSHOTS and RECEIPTS of the Community Managers being creepy, weird, hateful, abusive, and even a little ableist, and asking why the Chocolate Frog Company was employing "well-known predators" until every last feminist in the company was either let go or quit.) In order to apologize to the autistic people of color that were being abused so terribly by the middle-class White and White-coded female paid do-nothings, the Chocolate Frog Company held a COMMUNITY CONTEST to decide the NEW NAME of the Chocolate Frog cards, and Voldemort and his friends all participated in Democracy and saved the ENTIRE COMPANY by turning what was once a silly little tcg into the most hardcore table-SPORT in all of Europe.)))))

Ron only knew of Merlin as how he appeared on his CFFWTCG card: an old bearded man. Basically Dumbledore. Now... he was a cute girl?!

Voldemort was pinching Merlin's cheeks and she was hissing and yapping in anger. "I'LL SHOW YOU NOT TO MESS WITH ME!" she yelled, and she waved her hand and a magic circle with a certain 6-sided star that we all appeared in the air.

"Caster!" Rei spoke confidently. "Please, forgive Voldemort and lend us your strength!"

"Tch..." Merlin sighed and dispelled the magic circle. Voldemort hadn't even been paying attention, he was ice-skating away, chasing something.

"Voldemort?! Where are you going!" cried Ron.

But Voldemort would not answer, he was in a full icy sprint, and collided with someone or something in the distance.

"Voldemort!?" cried everyone, chasing after him.

When they reached him, they were not-TOO surprised to see that Voldemort had tackled HP Longbottom onto the ground, fracturing his collar bone.

"Hey, good going, Voldemort!" Ron cheered. "Now we just need to find the Moon Pres--"

"HAH HA...*ACK* HAHA HA... *COUGH* HAAA.... *WEEZE* AAAH INCELS! YOU'RE TOO LATE... I HAVE ALREADY SUMMONED... YOUR... DESTRUCTION..."

In the distance, a uh... very imposing figure was walking toward them quite calmly. But the aura coming from it was beyond anything they'd ever felt before.

Even Speed Merlin was afraid!

"W-who is that?" asked Ron, clutching his chest. It was becoming hard to breathe. Even Voldemort took a knee, though Ron was not sure if it was from the crushing *pressure* of this new enemy, or something else...

In an instant, the man was before them, and the group was sent flying back.

Merlin alone remained upright, though not without effort. She spoke with awe in her voice.

"Soromon..."

"HAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" cackled HP Longbottom, having healed enough to pull himself to his feet. "That's right, incel. *hack* It doesn't matter that you know his name! Yes, yes, Solomon the Wise, Grand Caster class! Even though God doesn't exist, he's still UNMATCHED IN MAGECRAFT, even by YOUUUUU, MEEEEERLIN!!! AND HE'S NOW THE SERVANT OF THE MOOOOON!!!" Neville danced around, so proud of himself.

"Tch..." Merlin raised her arms in defense as Solomon raised his own hand toward her. But she found her feet glued to the ground.

She closed her eyes and prepared to have her head blasted off, but it didn't happen.

Solomon poked her forehead gently.

"Mārin, watashi wa anata to tatakawanai..."

"What did he say?" HP Longbottom demanded. He took out his phone and opened Google Translate. "REPEAT YOURSELF, SERVANT. WHY ARE YOU NOT KILLING THIS FASCIST?"

"Kawari ni, watashi wa anata ni kore o agemasu... Tsukidesu! Kore o tsukatte,-shin o shinjinai haisha-tachi o horoboshimashou!"

Google spoke up: "instead, I will give you this... the moon! Use it to destroy these godless losers!"

HP Longbottom shrieked"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!?!!?? NOOOOOOOOO, SOLOMON, I *COMMAND* YOUUU--"

But Solomon was already using his Territory Creation (A rank)

"WRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" HP Longbottom found himself being pushed off of the Moon entirely! He assumed his most durable squid form as Solomon's territory continued to expand, enveloping the entire Moon!

"MISTRESS WHERE ARE YOU?!" shrieked Neville.

The Moon Presence erupted from a crater as even >she was repelled by the power of Solomon! "WHAT DOES THIS BACKWARDS PISSBABY REACTIONARY THINK HE'S DOING?!?!" She turned her attention to Neville, as she landed on top of him to hitch a ride. "WORTHLESS PAYPIGGY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! YOU MUST HAVE FUCKED UP THE SUMMONING!"

Neville weeped "Of course my goddess, I must have! I'm such a useless male with a tiny little clitty!"

"Yes, yes, you are! I've talked with ALL WOMEN on the planet, Neville, and WE ALL AGREE that you will NEVER make ANY of us squirt!!!" howled the Moon Presence viciously into his ear. "NOW TAKE US TO A SECURE LOCATION TO REGROUP AT ONCE. WE MUST GET ORGANIZED NOW THAT MOON IS FUCKING TRUMP COUNTRY."

Sobbing and nodding his head furiously, Neville began to fly out into space, only to see that in the distance, thousands upon thousands of Korean girls with guns were waiting.

"Not so fast!" yelled Chen Potter. "You're SURROUNDED Neville! Surrender!"

"NEVER NAZI!!!" Neville screamed at the top of his lungs, and he launched himself down to Earth--some shitty European country with a female leader--his final chance of safety.

"Damn it, they got away..." sighed Ron.

"Maybe they did Ron, but take a look at that!" Chen cheered happily.

A hundred ships of the United States Space Force were making their landing. The Moon finally belonged to Hogwarts and the United States.

Goyle's Loss

President Donald Trump shook Chen Potter's hand. "Good job, Headmaster."

"We didn't even do anything did we?" Ron whispered to Rei.

Rei shook her head. "We did more than you think. Chen KNEW that Neville would try summoning Solomon the Wise and that it'd backfire on him, that's why Chen only brought such a smol force."

"What? How could he have known that?"

Rei put on a monocle and took out a pipe. She blew bubbles from it.

"Elementary, my dear Ronald."

"Go on."

"..." Rei blew some more bubbles and giggled at them.

"So this... is the power of the Happamage..." Voldemort thought to himself, watching Chen interact with President Trump and Elon. One of Elon's thousand daughters had slipped her hand into Chen's, but he didn't seem to notice. Elon noticed and made a quick cost-benefit calculation in his head, deeming Chen satisfactory if he were to one day wed JX-0266.

"Ah, young love!" Voldemort smiled, iceskating over. He was carrying Merlin in his arms, who'd fainted under the pressure of Soromon.

A Slytherin Stormtrooper laid his robe down and Voldemort placed Merlin on it. "Is she going to be OK?" asked Ron.

Voldemort nodded. "She's not harmed, Ronald. In order to summon Solomon, Neville and the Moon Presence had simulated a HOLY GRAIL WAR, which also allowed us to summon Merlin. Now that it's over, the Moon will go dormant, and all those summoned will retvrn from whence they came."

"So no more Fate crossovers?"

Voldemort nodded again. "For the time being."

"Thank God," Rei sighed.

"DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME?" a pretentious goon in shining golden armor waltzed over.

"Gilgamesh!" Voldemort growled. "What are YOU doing here?"

"Well met, mongrels! I've come t--yhaaaackkk!!!" Rei had teleported behind Gilgamesh and stabbed him through the back with her katana.

"No more Fate."

"He would have disappeared momentarily anyway, but good job, Rei!" Voldemort applauded. He was so proud of how proficient Rei had become with the blade.

"Tom..." Merlin whispered raising her hand weakly. "Was I... cool?"

"The coolest." Voldemort replied, taking her hand. "I'll see you later... my master." And Merlin was gone.

Meanwhile, Harry closed Samurai Warrior 3 on Dolphin. "This game sucks," he sighed. "It's way clunkier than later entries. It was such a waste to spend the time downloading it."

"Dude, Smashley's coming over and she's bringing a bunch of her friends," roared a Hufflepuff breaking into the Common Room. "WE NEED SOME KEGS!"

Draco Malfoy loaded a ballistic knife and fired it into the Hufflepuff's leg.

"Draco!" scolded Mizuki. She didn't like when Draco fired his ballistic knife at people.

Draco apologized and pulled the blade out of the Hufflepuff's leg, and then threw him out of the Common Room.

"Who's Smashley?" asked Harry.

"Do you think Chen's okay up there all by himself?" Cho asked.

"Baby, Chen isn't a baby anymore, he's more of an adult than I am," said Harry.

"He's a toddler, Harry. And he's our son. How can you not be worried about him?" demanded Cho.

"He's got Voldemort with him. And Rei. And Ron... the Stormtrooperssss, Elon Muuuuusk, Space Force--"

"Okay, you're right..."

"It's just Neville. I don't know anyone in school who'd lose a fight to NEVILLE. Even Smashley could beat him up."

Suddenly Goyle rushed in. "Have youe guys seen Isabel? I can't find her anywhere!"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Hey Goyle, can you play an instrument?" asked Harry.

Goyle, distressed, looked at Harry questioningly as he shook his head. "Nvm" said Harry, turning back to his computer.

Mizuki stood up. "When did you last see her?"

"Down in the Dungeons," said Goyle.

"What were you two doing down there?" asked Harry impishly.

Goyle straightend his tie. "Well we weren't SNOGGING or anything if THAT'S what you mean, Harry."

"Ahhhh, okay."

"Actually... I think she might have been insulted that I..."

"You what?" asked Cho.

Goyle's face was red now. "I didn't... want to."

"You WHAAAT!" roared Harry like the fish when he thought Spongebob did something to his drink on April Fool's Day.

"Not that I didn't WANT to, you know, but I just... think we should wait, you know."

"Awwwwwwwwwww" Mizuki and Cho awed together.

Draco and Harry grumbled some kind of cope about how they were BASICALLY married to Mizuki and Cho anyway.

"Why don't you get Gilderoy Lockhart to help you find her?" asked Cho, who knew that Harry and Draco wouldn't help.

"Well..."

Goyle was a little scared of Gilderoy finding out that Isabel was ackshually secretly a DEMON GIRL. After all, Gilderoy was literally employed as a demon hunter by the Vatican.

"Goyle, are you worried that Gilderoy will find out that Isabel is actually secretly a demon girl?" asked Cho.

Goyle spat out of the coffee he was drinking. "H-how did you know?"

"When you took her to Church last Sunday she got a sunburn."

"I didn't think it was that noticeable..."

"Goyle, Gilderoy won't hurt her unless she blasphemes Christ's name."

"Really?"

"I assume."

"Oh..."

"I'm sure if we've noticed, Gilderoy has too! And he hasn't done anything to her so far, right?"

"That's true..." Goyle was starting to feel better.

"Take Cho and Mizuki and go find him," said Harry, putting a slice of pizza in the toaster oven. "It's all gonna be okay."

"I'm sorry Goyle, I'm really busy studying right now," said Cho. "If I don't get an S+ rank on my O.W.L.2s, my parents--my Chinese parents--will kill me."

Draco had already pulled Mizuki into the dormitories.

"It's like I'm the only good person here," said Harry. "I'll go with you, Goyle. All of these games suck anyway."

The two walked out to find Gilderoy Lockhart, who among all people, would be The Guy to track down a demon.