"you shouldnt have bullied me, Malfoy..." growled HP Longbottom the famous Hufflepurff writer of "Cosmic Horror"
Cosmic Horror is the best kind of horro r because it acknoweldgess that if gods existed (they do not, scientifically speaking) then they wouldnt care about us at all because theyd be so big and we'd be like ants to them.
i always laugh whenever i see christians talk about how much their magical skydaddy loves them lmao. try reading a little HP Longbottom, and then you'll realize just how insignificant you really are.
"MALFOOOOOOY!!!" screamed Longbottom, and he used the Sword of Grifindor to perform Balrog's Gambit from the Lord of the Rings game. (TW: do not read lord of the rings, it was written by a Catholic, the movies are racist too, AVOID)
Balrog's Gambit was simple enough to perform. It was one of the first combos that Neville "HP" Longbottom had learned when he began training with the blade. Simple, but incredibly effective. It consisted of a quick horizontal slash at the opponent's chest, followed by a shove before they could recover, and a powerful uppercut-slash to seal the deal. It was a risky manuever to pull off if there were other enemies around, since either the shove or the vertical slash could be interrupted from the side. Thankfully HP Longbottom had found Malfoy all alone at his locker, with no-one to help him!
Malfoy was dead on the ground in an instant. it was worth the price in house points that would be deducted from Hufflepuff to take out Slytherin's MVP this early in the year.
"Heh, looks like another weakling couldnt hang... this isnt little kid hogwarts anymore, this is Hogwarts University, wehre we learn advanced magic," said Ron Weasley, brandishing his roman gladius.
"Check yourself, Weasely," said Longbottom, the big man on campus. "I dont wanna see that thing out of its shethe unless youre asking for a duel. swords are my domain., and im not going to tolerate anyone challenging me--even if youre not intending to. i hope you understand, because im not giving you a choice and im not going to repeat myself." Longbottom said all of this while he was writing a new piece of lore into his Necronomicon:
The Great Old One, Cthulu was like g*dzilla, but had a tentacle face and bat wings. he could make you go insane just by LOOKINg at him. that's how big and unbeliebablbe he was. human minds are so stupid and weak they cant even comprehend how cosmically insignificant we are. and thats why HP Longbottom wanted to become a writer, so he could change society for the better and get rid of bullies who who have human-centric views and no empathy.
"Sorry, HP," said Ron Weasely, sheathing his blade. "I got a little too excited, i respect you as the swordsman of the school. if you ever need my blade though--"
"you know i dont"
anyway HP Longbottom was late for his favorite class... Potions class...
"Neville!" cried Hermione Grander, his girlfriend(female)
"What do you want, woman?" asked HP Lovebottom.
"I want you to explain to me why Draco Malfoy is lying dead in the middle of the hallway on the 3rd floor in front of the FORBIDDEN CORRIDOR," growled Hermione.
HP Longbottom perked up. he liked it when Hermione tested his patience. she was the only one who could, because she was SO tight it was unbelievable. when HP stole Hermione from Ron, he was amazed at how tight she was. Ron must have had such a shrimpy little dick lmao.
"If i told you, id have to kill you too lol" Neville teased, giving her a gentle choke. Hermione's panties couldnt contain her excitement and HP Longbottom ordered Ronald, little baby dick Ronald, to go get a mop.
"anyway Mai, i killed Draco because he gave me attitude. also he was a bully to me back when he still could. all those years ago at Hogwarts 1.
Mai was what Neville AKA HP Longcraft called his girlfriend Hermione because Hermione is such a stupid name with too many syllables so it's unpleasant to say, so HP always just called Her Mai.
"Now get out of here, Mai. The Slytherins are gonna be looking for revenge. I wouldnt be surprised if they came after one of our Freshmen," said Longcraft. "Tell the other Griffs to stay alert. Let my lieutenants know to be on MAXIMUM war-anxiety level.
Mai nodded and skipped away. Ronald came back with the mop and began mopping up her juice.
"Ron, I might yet need your gladius today after all. I hope you're better with it than you are with that broom."
"it's a mop."
"I dont remember asking, but just be ready for the worst. Draco Malfoy was their best duelist, no doubt about it. But that's not how Slytherins roll. we both know that. they prefer the hidden blade, the poison. they fancy themselves a bunch of Italians or Jews. But we'll show them the Anglo spirit yet, won't we?
"Well, I will, you redheaded fairy. But I'm sure you'll be of some use yet. Drop the broom, let's get to work on our fortifications. Come with me to Potions class and we'll strategize."
Ron looked at him. "But I've got Charms class on the 5th floor."
HP Longbottom looked at him, sighed, and reached into his satchel to take out his Necronomicon.
"WAIT!" cried Ronald, "I'm sorry, let's go, of course you're right."
Ron dropped his broom(mop) and the two went down into the Dungeons of Hogwarts U., to meet with their oldest and greatest ally: Professor Snape.
Science. Logic. Reason. Atheism. These are the ingredients of the perfect potion.
HP Lovebottom loved Potions class because it was as cool and calculating as he was. no room for emotion, only FACTS, and cold hard data.
"Before you enter my classroom," said Severus Snape, "You must receive your temporary booster to immunize yourself from Mugglepox.
the Mugglerona Virus AKA Mugglepox was a horrifying new disease that stripped Witches and Wizards of their magic, rendering them Muggles, or People of No Magic. No magical person wanted to catch it, but it was considered INSANELY racist to think that there was something wrong with being a Muggle, so Severus Snape was actually a gigantic bigot for having his students take this shot.
"HP Longbottom," said Snape. "I heard you killed Malfoy."
"I don't regret it," said Longbottom.
"Nor should you. He was gay, and a superspreader of Mugglepox," droned Snape, bored. "I'm glad he's dead to be honest, because i was going to have to do something about him myself. Too many innocent witches and wizards have contracted Mugglepox."
"Well we've got an even bigger problem now, ser," ssaid HP. "the Slytherins arent gonna take LMaofoy's death lightly, they're going to retaliate. They wont DARE to come after Hufflepuff House as long as im in charge. but Mai's just a girl, a FEMALE, she cant defend Griffyindor on her own. so i know that's what those slimy serpents are going to target."
"You're right," said Snape. "Here, take this potion."
Snape handed HP Lovecraft what appeared to be an old-timey looney toons bomb.
"What is this professor?"
"Blasting powder. The highest tier of Potions. Hide that in the Slytherin common room while there's a bunch of students in it. light the fuse using your Incendio spell and run away. The blasting powder will take care of the rest."
HP Longbottom smiled. "I love it, thank you professor."
Snape smiled back. but then he frowned when he looked at Ron Weasely. "Weasely what are you doing here?"
"He's with me sir," said HP.
Snape gave Ron a look of like "dude youre luck that this cool guy is vouching for you otherwise id slam you into a locker right now"
HP turned to Ron "Ron, go put this bomb in the Slytherin common room. Make sure it's nice and crowded, ok? im gonna head to my room and work on my book."
THEY SAY THAT THE TINY HUMAN BRAIN CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM HOW COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT IT IS, IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. BEHIND THE VEIL OF HUMAN ARROGANCE LIES THE UNIVERSE: COLD, DARK, BROODING, HATEFUL. THE MIGHTY ANCIENTS WHO'VE INHABITED THE STARS-- THE STAR CHILDREN-- THEY THINK OF HUMANS AS NOTHING BUT MERE COWS, WHO EXIST ONLY TO BE FARMED. wrote HP Longbottom.
Hermione Granger was SQUIRMING with desire. she was head over heels in love with Neville's intellectt. She was sexually attracted to intelligence. This is know as Sapiosexuality, and is itself a sign of EXTREMELY high intelligence, and not only that but also high empathy. You might say that she had superpowers EVEN MORE POTENT than her ability to use magic. It was why she did not fear the Mugglepox, and indeed even embraced it. But HP had forbidden her from attending a "gift giving" party that Malfoy had hosted to spread the gift to as many witches and wizards as possible.
rumor has it... that was the real reason why Neville had killed Malfoy. And by using such a forbidden technique, no less... he must really love and care bout Mai. or at least not want to get an std from her.
Diversity was the greatest strength of Hogwarts University, so any student from any house was allowed in any other house's common room. Well, officially anyway. but house-segregation was the true, unspoken rule. And if there ever appeared any of those creepy subversive types talking about "progress" in the form of "let me into your common room", the Big Dogs, the Chiefs of the Houses would step in and beat the crap out of him before his mind-virus could take root in their houses.
But Malfoy was dead. ANd no-one had the balls to stop Ron Weasley, HP Longbottom's Top Guy, from strolling right into their common room. He put his backpack down and sat on the couch. the nerve of this guy! If Malfoy were here... grr...
"Well," said Ron Weasley. "I just wanted to stop in to uh, pay my condolences. So uh... sorry..." he rustled through his backpack for a second. "I brought some flowers-- oh damn, i forgot them. Sorry, ill be right back..."
Ron Weasley quickly ran through the door of the coomon room and out into the hallway. A young Slytherin boy, a mere freshman-- a handsome tan lad with a zoomer haircut and his whole life ahdead of him--had suspected something, but when he went over to look in Ron's backpack, he only caught the briefest of looks at the black sphere that shattered, scattered, and splattered his mortal coil, and the mortal coils of every other Slytherin in the room.
it was a big blow to Slytherin House. HP Longbottom smirked as he penned the finale' of his chapter in his Necronomicon:
AND SO, JUST AS THEY WERE BORN FROM MEANINGLESS CLUMPS OF CELLS, SO HAVE THEY RETURNED TO THEM, WHILE THE ANCIENT ONES JUST LAUGH AND NOT CARE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL MERE DUST IN THE COSMIC WINDS. THEY WILL SURELY BE MISSED, BUT NOT BY THE UNIVERSE AND NOT BY ME!
HP lONNGbottom laughed so hard and he pet black his magical cat which was sleeping in his lap.
"I cant' get up, this cat is too cute i love it," he said. "my precious little [i couldnt decide between a number of funny racial slurs + man/boy/etc.]---if only humans could be more like cats...
"HP are you coming to bed?" asked Hermione.
"No, ill be sitting at my desk today and continuing my great cosmic horror book AND SO AS THUNDER STRUCK AND THE EYEBALLS OF THE MAN BOILED IN FEAR, IT APPEARED TO HIM AT LAST HOW MEANINGLESS AND STUPID EVERYTHING REALLY WAS., AND THEN HIS BODY EXPLODED IN A FEAST OF GORE."
Hearing such incredible geniusba, Hermione Granger didnt even NEED him to come to bed. 😩🌊
ACTING ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR, TURN YOUR BACK ON MOTHER NATURE, EVERY BODY WANTS TO RULE THE WOOORLD
HP Longbottom sang his heart out the following night at the Huffle-Griff Karaoke, a bi-monthly meeting of the two allied houses, where they rekindled their friendships through song.
everyone cheered and clapped for HP because he was as good of a singer as he was a writer.
"What are you doing here, Boyle?" growled Hermione at Malfoy's #2, who'd crashed the party. unfortunately it was the last thing she ever said.
"AVADA KEDAVARA!!!" screamed Boyle as he -- wait a minute his name is actually Goyle lmao i though that was just me being, you know. but no, it really is Goyle. Okay, so Goyle shot his flashing green load right into Mai's face, and she collapsed onto the floor. Dead.
"HERMIIIIONEEEEEE!" screamed HP Longbottom, and he threw the karaoke mic at Goyle's head, but Goyle ducked and cast another another killing curse! AVADA DENUVO! An Area-of-Effect(AoE) killing curse that was like a 360 degree scattergun, and cleared almost the entire room, except a few who were lucky enough to duck in time!
"AT WAS FER MALFOOOOY!" laughed Goyle and he ran away out of the Karokae Bar, Hogsmeoke.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed HP Longbottom, clutching his stone-dead girlfriend. "SHE'S DEAD!!!!!"
"HP," said the ghost of Hermione. "I'll always be with you."
"NO YOU WONT!" shrieked HP Longbottom, shoving her. "GHOSTS ARENT REAL, THAT'S HIGHLY ILLOGICAL. YOU'RE JUST A HALLUCINATION CAUSED BY STRESS OR MAYBE SOME KIND OF MOULD IN THIS ROOM!!!"
"No HP, I'm a ghost, but I'm in limbo because I didn't accept Je--"
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT NAME" hissed Longnevile, shielding himself like a vampyr.
"HP, Goy's JUST getting started. He's going to start killing every last Hufflepuff and Gryffindor he can, and only YOU can stop him."
"I know that you're right," said HP Longbottom and he took out the sword of Gryiffindor.
"Not so fast, HP," said... HARRY POTTER!? "You're not a Grydinor anymore, so that sword isnt yours to wield. ANd Harry took out his OWN sword, a katana infused with Fiendfyre!!!
HP Longbottom smirked as his face transformed into a swarming mass of tentacles.
kk im going insane becuse the script i wrote to add paragraph tags to this for some reason is triggered whenever i hit the J key. so i gotta go because i am LITERALLY about to LITERALLY go insane so htats the end of this chapter.
will Harry duel HP Longbottom? Who will win? Only the Ancient Old Ones of the Cold Dark Cosmos know the future, and they wont divulge theeir secrets!
"LONGBOTTOM!" screamed Harry Potter. "GIVE ME THE SWORD OF GRIFYINDOR, OR ELSE, I'LL... I'LL.."
"You'll what?" shrieked HP LOngbottom even MORE loudly, and he took out his Necronomnicon. Horrified, Ron Weasely plugged up his ears as best as he could as HP Longbottom began reading the terrifying cosmic tome!
"THE UNIVERSE IS COLD AND UNCARING. IT DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, HARRY POTTER!" screamed HP Neville. "AND SO WHEN YOUR GUTS ARE SPLATTERED ACROSS THIS HALLWAY, YOU'LL ONLY THEN REALIZE JUST HOW MEANINGLESS YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE REALLY WAS. DO YOU HEAR THE RATS IN THE WALLS? THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU, HARRY! HOGWARTS IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOUR PUNY BRAIN CAN EVEN IMAGINE: AND IT'S JUST A SPECK OF DUST IN THE EVEN LARGER UNIVERSE, A UNIVERSE OF HUNGRY RATS AND YOU ARE MERELY THE--"
"HARRY!" cried Ron Weasley. "Just give up before you go insane, he's too powerful!"
At this point, Harry Potter shot Neville Longbottom in the head with his Beretta M9, his most treasured side arm.
"Rest in peace, Neville," said Harry Potter sadly.
"Harry!" cried the Wease. "It's a good thing that you were able to overcome the cosmic horror and kill HP before he drove you insane with how insignificant you are!
"Yeah, thanks I guess Ron, I dont really care. Where's your sister btw??" questioned the Boy Who Lived.
"My sister? Why do you want to know that?" asked Ron timidly.
Harry just stared at him. "Ronald, where is your sister?"
"She's out at Hogsbucks with Cho Chang..." Ron whimpered.
"Thank you, Ron. See, you can be useful after all. Sorry Hermione got killed btw. I guess she wasnt really YOUR girlfriend anymore, but I reckon you still had feelings for her, so that sucks."
Ron nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, I uh, guess. Thanks."
Harry patted him on the head like a dog, and started going. Then he turned back for a sec. "Ron. It's your fault that she's dead, you know," Harry said. Then he turned away and left to go find Ginny and Cho Chang.
Ron collapsed and started crying.
Harry Potter had no real interest in killing Goyle to avenge Hermione. Hermione was AIGHT, but quite frankly, Harry really just didnt care. He cared about other things. Like Quidditch. Other people. Like Ginny. Like Cho. Ron would have to cope with this loss by himself, and if he chose to seek vengeance? Well, more power to him. He wouldnt get any help from Harry.
Harry carefully placed the Sword of Grydifnoer back in his secret hiding spot-- how HP Neville had ever found it was a mystery to him. but then! He was visited by the ghost of Hermione!
"Harry..." moaned Ghostmione.
"Hey Hermione. Good to see you," Harry said, not even looking at her, but continuing getting dressed to go out to Hogsbucks and meet up with his 2 favorite girls.
"Harry, I need your help. Neville's in Hell."
"That doesn't surprise me," said Harry. "But what do you want me to do about it?"
"Save him, Harry. Please. Or else... or else Voldemort might return."
"Look at the 'Necronomicon' that Neville was writing in," said Hermione sadly.
Harry sighed, walked back downstairs to Neville's corpse, and looted his satchel.
"Ah, I see," said Harry.
HP Longbottom's Necronomicon was another one of Voldermort's Toilet Diaries. By writing in it, he must have been fueling Voldemort in the afterlife.
"So what's the sitch?" asked Harry. "Is Voldemort powerful enough to come back yet?"
"Not yet," said Hermione. "I've been watching him, because he's on the other side of limbo, where all the real sickos go, and he's starting to do some jumping jacks and stuff, it's very scary but he doesnt appear to be THAT powerful yet.
"OK, well just keep an eye on him. I'll destroy Neville's stupid book."
"Harry no, HP Longbottom's Necronomicon can only be destroyed by using the blood of STAR CHILD, one of the great OLD ONES who --"
"You mean like those stupid tentacle monsters and stuff, the "incomprehensible" cosmic horrors?" asked Harry, flipping through the boring and not-scary book.
"Yes! and only HP LONGBOTTOM knows how to summon them!"
"Okay, well I'm gonna go to Hogsbucks becase this isnt really my problem anyway. If Voldemort comes back, I'll kill him again, so I dont see the point of chasing after giant monsters. Not that I'm scared, I just really sincerely do-not care and i dont have the time. OK Hermione? Neville, or 'HP Longbottom' if you want to call him that stupid name-- he deserves to be in Hell anyway."
But HARry!" cried Hermione.
"Kk, ttyl Hermione," said Harry, and he appaderated outside.
"Not so fast, 'Arry," said GOYLE, and he beaned Harry in the back of the head with a brick.
hol up-- ok the script's working again.
"Where am I?" demanded Harry Potter, who now had a bag over his head.
"BEHOLD!" screamed Goyle, and he took off Harry's bag, and behold! they were in the sewers.
"Why are we in the sewers?" asked Harry, "And why am I tied to a chair? Goyle you better start providing me with some damn-good explanations, or when I untie myself in about 10 seconds from now, I'm going to beat you so bad the police wont even let your parents see your body. I will wear my fists down to the bone.
"Harry pelase calm down," said Goyle. "I need your help."
"Yeah I'm hearing that a lot recently."
"Harry, I know that Ghost-Hermione visisted you and told you about Voldemort and the Necronomicon. But what she didn't tell you, and maybe you remember it, is that NEVILLE HIMSELF is a star child! Remember when his face started growing tentacles? You kinda just ignored it and shot him."
"Yeah of course I remember that."
"Well NEVILLE IS STILL ALIVE, HARRY!" groaned Goyle. "And he's going to keep killing Slytherins until the House Cup is secured for Hufflepuff!"
"Who gives a shit about that?"
Goyle fell to his knees. "Harry... the winner of this year's House Cup will be given an entire year of TOTAL IMMUNITY from all University rules, laws, bi-laws, and sub-laws. Neville will be able to do anything he wants, to anyone, without fear of being expelled!
"I still don't care."
"Harry, he's going to go after GINNY and CHO CHANG because you humiliated him!"
"Ok, I'll kill him. Where is he now?"
"So you agree to team up with me and the Slytherins, Harry?"
"To kill Neville?"
"HP Longbottom, Harry. The 'Neville' we knew is dead. If he ever really existed in the first place..."
Harry finished untying himself. "Work on your knotsmanship, Goyle. Now that Malfoy's dead, what good are the Slytherins anyway? I'll admit it was kinda cool that you killed an entire room of people by yourself, but quite frankly, I could do that in my sleep.
Goyle looked at him with very great seriousness.
"Harry, it's time that I told you the SECRET of Slytherin House..."
"Ok, what's the secret of Slytherin House?" asked Harry Potter.
"Slytherin House was founded by Salazar Slytherin in order to combat the GREAT OLD ONES."
"Interesting," said Harry.
"Yeah," agreed Goyle. "That's the real reason why HP Longbottom cowardly assassinated Malfoy-- because he knew that Malfoy suspected him of being a Star Child. Slytherins are like a secret society of vampire hunters, except we hunt aliens. Get it?"
"Goyle," said Harry, rubbing his temples. "So what?"
"Harry, us Slytherins have access to tools and magics that are unknown to all the other Houses, and the wizarding community at large. Because they can't be trusted, they're all compromised by the Cult of Dagon. Why do you think we're always being targeted by the Ministry of Magic AKA the Ministry of "Let Muggles Fuck Your Daughters So You Lose All Your Magical Powers?"
"What is the Cult of Dagon?" asked Harry.
"That doesn't matter rn tbh," said Goyle. "The point is, Voldemort is actually a pretty good guy, he was just trying to save Wizards and Humanity as a whole really. The Ministry of Magic is trying to get rid of any resistance to the invasion of the OLD ONES, who see us as nothing but cattle."
"I see," said Harry. "So it's really not a big deal that the Necronomicon Toilet Diary was bringing Voldemort back to life? It's actually a good thing?"
"Yeah basically," said Goyle.
"Okay," said Harry. "You should tell Ghost-Hermione this, because she wants me to stop Voldemort from returning."
"Harry, Hermione's stupid, she doesn't even know any of the lore, and it doesn't matter what she thinks or wants because she's dead anyway," said Goyle, signaling for Harry to follow him.
Goyle led Harry into an armory. It was guarded by some Slytherins Harry had seen around before. All across the walls were hung 3D-printed assault-style wands, capable of casting killing curses at 120 rounds per second.
Harry wasn't really that impressed. "Goyle, this is cool, but I don't really need any of this. I'm the Boy Who Lived. Plus I just did some custom mods to my wand, and it's way more powerful than any of these anyway."
"You're right Harry," admitted Goyle. "BUT. Go through THAT room, and you'll enter our Secret Library, where we have all kinds of curses that are especially designed for fighting the eldritch monstros--"
"GOYLE I DONT CARE," yelled Harry. "Take me to Hogsbucks NOW, I've got to make sure Ginny and Cho, especially Cho btw, are OK. You said yourself Neville would be after them."
Goyle smirked. "Don't worry about THAT, Harry. We've got our best man currently keeping HP Longbottom bussy."
"Your best man is dead, Goy," sighed Harry. "Neville KILLED Malfoy, remember?"
Goyle smirked so brilliantly that even Harry was impressed. "Malfoy was just faking it. He's got some of those stupid things that keep you from dying," he said.
"Horcruxes?" asked Harry. "Wow, that's good thinking. So where are the two of them now?"
As if to answer, they heard screaming coming from above them.
"NOOOOOOOOO MALFOY, PLEASE DONT!"
"GET IN THE STALL, NEVILLE!"
There was a flush, and Harry and Goyle knew then that Malfoy had given HP Longbottom a swirly.
The war had begun...
after Malfoy was doone torturing HP Longbottom by giving him swirlies and noogies and indian burns on his arms, he finally trapped him in a locker with one of the Weaseleys' Wizard Wheezes Patented Magic Stink bombs, which, because they are magic, are 1000x worse even than that "liquid ass" stuff that the retarded kids used to spray in school-- btw im also just putting it out there, not as part of the story, this is the author speaking now, the inventors of "liquid ass" literally deserve to be killed for inventing and selling that product. im being serious, this isn't a joke, im not laughing, the faggot """engineer""" who """invented""" his stupid fucking shit-spray that I had to smell every other day in middle and high school, deserves to b[whoops, lost my cool a little too much. what i wrote here, they still deserve though, im just not going to make you read it.]
"malfoooooy, let me out, pleeeeeeease!" wept HP Longbottom, literally almost dying from the smell.
"What's the matter, Neville?" laughed Malfoy. "I thought you were just meaningless star stuff, right? The Weasley Wheeze you're inhaling right now is just a drop in a vast ocean of cosmic insignificance."
Ron Weasley felt a little bad providing the tools to torture the guy he used to cling to, but he was much like his pet rat: a rat. small, cowardly, disloyal. He kept at a safe distance from the two of them, just staring at the floor, and only approached when Malfoy demanded he hand him a new instrument from his torture bag.
"Maaaaaallllllfooooooyyyyyyyy pleeeeeeaseeeeeeeee" Neville wept.
Malfoy opened the locker and yanked him out. He held his wand up to his throat, and also a knife.
"Now you're going to come with me, and tell Professor Snape, and everyone else, that you LIED about me being gay and spreading Mugglepox. You're going to ADMIT that it was YOU the entire time, you filthy little liar.
At the prospect of suffering such humiliation, and no-longer at the mercy of the Weasley stench, HP suddenly grew bold again.
"And what if I don't?"
Malfoy stabbed and carved up Neville Longbottom's throat like it was a Halloween pumpkin. It was like that scene in Breaking Bad that made me start yelling racial slurs. You know, the one with the box cutter.
It could be argued that HP Longbottom actually deserved it though-- like those guys that made liquid ass btw-- for he truly HAD lied about Malfoy and ruined his reputation with everyone but the Elite Slytherin Inner-Circle Praetorian Guard, who knew that HP Longbottom was actually an eldritch monstrosity, and even if they didnt know that, they knew Malfoy wasnt gay because on his downtime from being On the Hunt or in class, he was always sharing pictures of anime girls in the group chat.
Anyway, when Malfoy was done almost completely sawing through Neville's throat, Harry Potter caught up with him.
"Malfoy," said Harry.
"Potter," said Malfoy.
The two grasped hands. To Harry's surprise, Malfoy pulled him in for a strong hug.
"Welcome aboard, my brother," said Malfoy, holding tight. "We wont let them replace us."
Harry squeezed back. "I'm with you, Draco. We'll teach these cosmic libtards a thing or two."
Suddenly, they heard a moan. They turned in (cosmic) horror to find HP Longbottom was standing back up, with his head so-far cut backwards that it was as if the bottom of his chin were his face.
And indeed, it was. For there were dozens of small eyeballs there.
"Rlyeth Kathu! Dindue Thulay!" the creature croaked at them.
Harry and Draco AKA Drake were both probably more-than tough enough to take on this low-level monstrosity, but it just caught them so off-guard that they flipped out and started running.
When they got to the end of the hall, they slammed the doors shut and locked them with whatever is the reverse Alohamora spell.
"That was a close one," panted Drake.
"Yeah," agreed Harry. "Wait a tick... RON'S still in there!"
What Draco Malfoy did at that moment would always be remembered as one of the GREATEST acts of pure heroism that had ever taken place at that stupid school 1 sec im dehyrated
you know who wasnt dehydrated? Ron Weasley! Because Nearly-Headless Neville was DROWNING him in the luxurious hot tub in the prefecc bathroom!
"I'LL SAVE YOU WEASLEY, EVEN IF UR A RACE TRAITOR!" cried Malfoy, barging in, and lunging onto Neville. He pulled him off of Ron, but ALAS. HP Longbottom had evolved like a pokemon because he got Experience Points (XP) from drowning Ron, even though he was interrupted!
"HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" hissed HP Longbottom, reeeeeeeling on the Malf. "Do not come between the starchild and his prey."
Malfoy kicked HP Longbottom, AKA Nearly-Headless Neville, now nearly fully-evolved into Nevillelarthotep. Malfoy kicked him as hard as he could between the legs, but Neville just started cackling.
"im a star child, Dracoooooooo," he HISSSSSSED. "I HAVE NO TESTICLESSSSS."
As Neville lurched forward, arms oustretched, to embrace Malfoy with a bear hug of death, an axe suddenly fell down on his headneck, hitting him right in his eldritch eyeballs, and causing him to start dancing around flailing his arms and screaming all kinds of vulgarities.
"Ron, you saved me!" said Malfoy.
"No..." said Weasethlhu. "I'm saving you for MYSELF" anAD THEN ron lunged at Draco with ANOTHER axe as tentacles and eyeballs exploded from his face!
Malfoy dodged ducked dipped dived and dodged out of the prefect bathroom, reverse-alohomoraing the door shut and locking HP and Ron in there together. Harry arrived then.
"Ron's been converted," said Malfoy.
from the bathroom, they could hear a hideous scream.
"DONT SAY IVE BEEN CONVERTED, THAT HAS A RELIGIOUS IMPLICATION, IVE BEEN ENLIGHTENED TO THE SCIENTIFIC MINDSET OF THE COSMOS. THE COSMOS IS SO VAST AND UNIMAGINABLY LARGE YOU CANT EVEN FATHOM HOW TINY THE EARTH IS COMPARED TO THE SUN, AND YOU HAVE THE EGO TO ASSUME THAT YOU MATTER? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! IM LAUGHING AT YOU!!!!!!" Ron shrieked at them.
"What should we do, Malfoy?" asked Harry. "Should we go in and put him out of his misery? I'm new to all this, I'm only used to killing normal people and banging hot girls."
"Me too, Harry," said Malfoy, "I love banging hot girls. But yeah, I'm used to this cosmic horror stuff, so you can just leave it to me. Go meet up with Cho Chang and Ginny and make sure they're okay. It's possible that Nearly-Headless Neville has minions around the campus already. That bathroom door is made of solid pewter, which is highly toxic to star children, so Ron and Neville should be trapped in there basically as long as we want them to be."
"Okay, sounds good Draco."
"Hey... you called my by my first name..." said Draco, blushing.
"Oh, sorry," said Harry, blushing back.
"No, I ... it's okay... I kind of like it,"said Draco.
The two of them blushed and looked away. Neither of thm were really gay, but there was definitely some kind of tension there.
"Anyway, I'm gonna go find Cho and Ginny," said Harry, and he pulled out his wand.
"Harry," said Draco, "be careful. I'll find Snape, he'll know of a good way to get rid of these 2 monsters safely. I'll post a few Slytherins here to guard them. After you make sur the girls are safe, it'd be cool if you could rally the Grifyindors, and tell them the truth. We need all the help we can get. Slytherin's sufffered in the dark for so long..."
"Our SIlent protectors... just like the Rangers in Lord of the Rings..." said Harry.
"Yeah. but i dont think Gryindors are like Hobbits, I think you guys are Men, and we're like Elves."
Harry nodded. But he'd never felt like more of a helpeless Hobbit in his whole life. Plus, if the Slytherins were Elves, that'd make the Ravenclaws Dwarves and that didnt seem right. Obviously hte Hufflepuffs were the real Hobbits.
Draco knew exactly what Harry was thinking and smiled. "Yeah, the Ravenclaws are pretty cool, and not Dwarflike. God, look at us, we're such Tolkien nerds lol"
"THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Neville and Ron in unison from the toilets.
"Okay Harry, we'll split up and meet back here in 3 hours," said Draco. "Let's go!"
Harry bolted away to make sure cho and ginny were safe from the star minions. But Draco had kept a secret. He knew that Snape would just tell him to handle it himself. Snape was a level-30 Eldritch Executioner, and was too busy to be dealing with low-level wimps like Neville and Ron. So Draco WAS going to handle it himself... with his secret weapon.
Draco transformed into a basilisk and pushed open the door. Neville and Ron had reverted to human-form, thinking that they'd be in there for a while. In a way, they were right. they'd be in there for a while. as corpses.
Basilisk-Draco unhinged his jaw, and re-hinged it and sunk his teeth into both of them with one mighty bite. They shrieked in pain and terror as he injected them with his special venom that Snape had made for him. It caused nightmarish hallucinations like Scarecrow's fear toxin. also, death.
They spazzed out and started convulsing and they lost consciousness, and Draco let them go, knowing that they'd kill each other when they woke up, perceiving the other to be an enemy. He left the bathroom just in the nick of time.
"Hi Draco!" giggled Pansy Parkinson, "what were you doing in the bathroom?"
Draco groaned. "What do you think I was doing in the bathroom, you idiot? Get away from me, don't talk to me." He went to go look for Harry to make sure he was OK.
Draco caught up with Harry just in time to stop him from having sex with Ginny and Cho Chang.
"Harry, wait!" said Draco, tugging his shoulder back.
"Draco, what are you doing?!" cried Harry.
"Harry, you can't trust girls!" explained Draco. "They'e under the influence of the Moon Presence."
Harry gaped. "The Moon Presence?"
"Yeah," explained Draco, shooting Ginny and Cho with sleeping darts. "I didn't tell you this, but I can turn into a basilisk. And I just bit Neville and Ron. And I tasted something familiar. Something scary that I've only ever tasted once before, when I first became a shapeshifter."
"Why'd you bite them?"
"To kill them, but it didn't work, let me finish. It didn't work because they're the minions of an extremely p.. this is so stupid... ok they're minions of a giant eldritch being that lives inside the moon and the only thing that can kill him is werewolves, because they have a stronger moon-affinity, or a sun-creature, but idk any sun-creatures."
Harry just said "ok"
"Yeah, so dont have sex with any girls Harry, because all girls are really susceptibpble to the Moon. They're creatures of chaos, they're not like us."
"So true king, but how do we get them back to normal?"
Harry... they ARE normal!!! this is the natural state of the female, it's just amplified by the Moon Presence!"
"What? so i can never have sex AGAIN?"
"Shh! be quiet a sec, Pansy's coming," said Draco, putting his finger to his mouth and going shhh.
Pansy walked over and said "Hey gu-- ... Um, Why are Ginny and Cho unconscious? What are you guys--"
Malfoy clocked her in the face and she hit the ground hard. "Sleep tight, bitch" said Malfoy. He turned to Harry.
"Harry this is getting out of control, we need to hide all these bodies before a teacher finds them. We're going to get expelled for sure, the university system is completely anti-male. It's controlled by the Moon Presence too."
*Hey Moon by John Maus starts playing softly in the background as Harry and Draco drag the bodies to a cupboard. a few other girls get in their way and they have to KO them as well, for everyone's own good. Harry punched Parvati Pattel in the stomach so hard he broke one of her ribs accidentally, he didnt mean too he just had to make sure she'd go to sleep. Malfoy knew mild ninjutsu becaues of his Slytherin Sleuth training, so he was able to karate chop some dumb Hufflepuff girl in the neck. Finally, they got everyone packed away into the cupboard, and they threw a bucket and a loaf of bread in there with them.*
"Okay Harry, now ... I'll explain my plan. We have to either go to the moon, or destroy it entirely. it's the only way."
"Both of those options... Draco... They're wild."
Draco nodded. "I know. But this is the life of a Slytherin."
Harry nodded back. "I don't want to destroy the moon because it reminds me of my mother's eyes."
Draco nodded. "So we'll go there, and take out the Moon Presence PERSONALLY." He grinned.
"How are we gonna get there?"
They heard a distinctly Ravenclaw-sounding voice from behind them. "I believe *we* can help with that."
"THOSE BASTARDS!" screamed Panvati, the eldritch star child fusion of Parvati and Pansy, who was unimaginably horrifying on the inside, but on the outside looked like a half-indian half-white girl and wasn't bad looking at all tbh
"W-who are you? cried Ginny. "Where did Parvati and Pansy go?"
Panvati punched her in the face, KO'ing her again. But Cho Chang was too quick for her. As an Asian Ravenclaw, Cho's Int stat was incredibly high, and she deduced right away what Panvati was and what her plans were. Cho's incredible intelligence, combined with the extremely-tense situation she now found herself in, granted her access to a secret ability that was normally impossible for women to learn: Introspection. Cho knew that she, and indeed all women in the Wizarding World, and probably the Muggle world as well, were all being controlled by someone or someTHING on THE MOON.
Learning all of that almost immediately, Cho had apparated out of the broom closet and away from Panvati.
"DRATS..." growled Panvati, absorbing Ginny and becoming 1/3 ginger, and now Pangingi. She still looked good, although probably not better than she did as Panvati. Maybe *as* good, but probably not better. The Indian and Ginger in her clashed too much. She was still pretty, don't get me wrong, but her freckles would have looked better on lighter skin. Again though, don't get the wrong idea, she was not worse-looking than Panvati, but this also just not an improvement.
But in the POWER department? She was now 3 fairly-talented witches in one, and would curbstomp even Lord Voldemort. Such was the power of the star children... dammit...
If she'd managed to absorb CHO? I don't even wanna think about that.
"So you boys want to go to the Moon?" asked Cho Chang, who had a couple of Ravenclaw guys with her.
"Cho!" cried Harry joyfully, bum-rushing her and French kissing her. The Ravencuck boys looked away. Draco's face flushed and he found himself feeling sad. Maybe he... no, no...
Cho needed a few secs to catch her breath when Harry removed his tongue from her mouth. Harry didn't. He had been practicing EXTREME sexual control, and could get right to business or "business" at the flip of a switch. He was ready right away to hear Cho's moon landing plan. A feat that not even the U.S. government had been able to achieve.
When Cho was done panting like an animal, she said "Ahe--aum, we ... we built a space ship..." her head was still spinning. Harry was so good at kissing it was INSANE. The Ravenclaw nerds were already leading Malfoy away and explaining it themselves.
"We figured out a long time ago that you Slytherins were waging a secret war to protect mankind," said Nerd 1.
"So we've secretly been aiding you from the even-darker shadows," went on Nerd 2. "Doing all the research we could, and in our own ways, leading you to develop many of your weapons and combat techniques."
"Wow, that's cool," said Draco. "You never wanted to just help us directly though?"
"Too risky," said Nerd 1. "Our precious brains are not meant to be sacrificed in combat."
"You didn't want to at least tell us that you knew what we were doing?" asked Malfoy.
"Too risky," said Nerd 1 again. "Then you'd mock us and call us pussies and that'd piss us off. We needed to be as stress-free as possible to better assist you for both of our sakes."
Draco looked at him. He was right.
Then he turned back, and noticed that Cho and Harry had disappeared. Dammit...
"I am Pangingi," said Pangingi. "And I am here to femdom this world."
"Okay," said some Gryfinndor girls, laughing at her and not taking her seriously.
Pangingi used both her fists and punched them both in the face, absorbing them both at the same time. SHe could feel the magic rushing through her body like testosterone. Not even Dumbledore in his prime would be able to stop her now.
She grinned like a total bitch as she spotted her first male target and tapped him on the back. He turned around.
"Oh, 'ello there miss!" said Hagrid.
"FLLYYYY ME TO THE MOOOON, AND LET ME PLAAAAAY AMONG THE STAAAAARS" sang HP Longbottom, who'd stolen the ravenclaw rocket ship and was now blasting off to go commune with the Moon Presence.
Because of HP's unique talent for comprehending how incomprehensibly vast and cold and uncaring the Universe is, the Moon Presence had chosen HIM to be The Moon Man, the male stud who would be used to breed more star children from the moon-- moon children.
HP Longbottom decided to take it up a notch though. "LET ME SEE WHAT SPRING IS LIKE IN THE DEAD VOID OF SPACE, SCREAMING OUT DARKNESS AND DISINTEREST AT THE WORMS THAT COMPRISE HUMANITY AND ALL ITS PATHETIC DREAMS!!!!"
The Moon Presence was greatly pleased. HP Longbottom was the perfect vessel.
"Hey where did our spaceship go?" cried Ravenclaw Nerd 1.
"It must have been stolen!" said Ravennerd 2. "But how did anyone know where it was?! We had it hidden by magic!" he slammed his feet on the ground. "HOW! WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE WHY AND HOOOOOOW!!!!!"
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Malfoy, sighing and shaking his head. "HP Longbottom and maybe even Ron Weasely stole it. They must have recovered from me biting them and used their eldritch abilities to turn into slimy tentacle monsters and go down the toilets and escape."
"Ah, so you failed to contain them," said Nerd 2.
Malfory glared at him. Glowered even. Nerd 2 flinched.
"Anything else?" asked Malfoy.
Meanwhile, Cho Chang and Harry were looking for Professor Werewolf. Everyone thought Professor Werewolf had died during that Battle of Hogwarts, but he faked it in order to get away from his wife and kid. Luckily, his wife, Tonks, actually did die. So now he just had to get away from his kid, who was still just a toddler, so everything was OK and easy.
"Harry, Cho, it's so good to see you both," said Werewolf, and he gave them a big hug. they hugged him back, he was their favorite professor.
somewhere in the story, Snape felt bad...
"Professor," said Harry. "Can you come with us to the Moon in order to battle an eldritch monstrosity on it that's making all the women in the world act up?"
"Oh Harry I would, but it's the mid-terms coming up. I'll make a deal with you. If you both get an A+, ill come on your trip with you."
Harry and Cho exchanged glances and nodded. "It's study time!" they said in unison, and gave each other a high-five. Werewolf smiled broadly. he was so proud of his students.
He decided he'd give them a free sample, on the house, no charge: he opened up the window, and shifted the top of his body into a wolf, and howled at the moon so loudly, the moon was SHOOK.
"Whoa!" saiy Harry. "Professor, you're so powerful!"
"Duh Harry," grinned the wolfman.
"He's a fraud," snorted Snape, entering the classroom.
"dont talk about my godfather like that!" gorwled Harry, baring his OWN fangs
"THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!! shrieked Ron Weasley, jumping into the room.
Everyone looked at him in awe. He was an incomprehensible squid.
In an instant, Squid Ron had lunged onto Harry's face like a facehugger.
Harry desperately tried pulling him away and shouted "GODFATHER, HELP ME!"
Everyone turned to Professor Werewolf, who was laughing and did his best Don Corleone impression. "Nevah go against the family, Harry..."
He pulled off his werewolf mask, revealing a tentacled face.
"NOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Cho, but Snape jumped in front of her heroically and cast EXPELLIARMUS!!!
Snape's Expelliarmus spell was so powerful that it was effectively an Avada Kedavra. It sent the Squidfather flying out the window and into the lake where he WOULD have been fine, since he's a squid... but Snape had been preparing for this war for a long time.
The lake was patrolled by elite Slytherins in submersible mechs. The Squidfather barely was able to swim a few meters before he was GRABBED by a powerful metal hand. And then another.
Lupin was torn in twain by non-other than Goyle, piloting the Lake Slythdam. A project the Ravenclaws had been working on for YEARS along with Snape who of course knew that they knew about the Secret War with the Old Ones.
"Wow!" cheered Cho. "Wait a tick-- HARRY!!!" she started to run to help him, but Snape was already there in a flash. With one powerful hand, he grabbed Squid Ron, and slammed him into the floor, like the Hulk did to Loki in the Avengers movie, over and over again.
Except Squid Ron wasn't a god, he was a squid, so his body was mushed into bloody spaghetti from the repeated slamming and after a minute, Snape was swinging nothing but Ron's feet. The rest of him had fallen apart.
Snape heard a strange stomping noise in the hallway, and looked spooked. Harry was still gargling with Listerine and spitting because Squid Ron was tongue-kissing him because Ron was actually gay, when Snape grabbed him and Cho, and jumped out the window with them into the lake, just as Pangingi, who was riding on top of Hagrid the naked thrall's shoulders, barged into the classroom.
Snape and Harry both managed to pull of their robes while they were falling through the air. Cho couldn't, because the Moon Presence wouldn't let her. Thankfully, she was able to use Lupin's corpse as a buoy. She could swim, just not in her robes. She needed to be in a form-fitting 1-piece competition swimsuit that showed the outline of her bellybutton.
Snape and Harry could tread water well enough as Goyle rushed over in his mech to rescue them.
He cupped them in his metal hands, vaccum-sealing them, and before they even knew it! before they even knew it! they were in Slytherin's secret Lake Base.
"Miss, gentlemen... welcome... to the Salazarium!!!" smiled a Ravenclaw nerd, waving his hand.
the base was shaped like a big dome, because it was. but wha surprised them the most... was who was sitting at the command station. his back was turned to them, but they all recognized that grey skin. He turned in his chair to face them and smiled.
"Voldemort..." seethed Harry.
HP Longbottom landed on the moon and shivered with euphoria.
"This is so validating," he groaned. He leapt up and starting dancing around and whooping.
"AS AN EARTHLING, I KNOW MY PLACE!!!" he screamed. "MY PLANET IS SO SMALL AND USELESS, IT'S A LITTLE MOONY ORBITING A INCOMPREHENSIBLY VAST VOID OF THINGS BEYOND THE SCOPE OF HUMANSISSY IMAGINATION!!!"
He fell to his knees and wept. "MOOOOOON PRESCENCE! I AM HERE! I OFFER MY WEAK LITTLE EARTHSISSY BODY TO YOU! DEVOUR MY PITIFUL FORM LIKE A GREAT WHALE INHALING KRILL!!"
The Moon Presence appeared before him on the vid-screen. He was an incomprehensible sphere of tentacles playing a trumpet. "PPPPFFFFTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUUUU"
HP Longbottom sobbed with joy as a tentacle exploded through the ship's cockpit and grabbed him.
Meanwhile, The remains of both Squid Weasley and Lupin the Squid were squishing closer and closer together. They were going to join bodies!
"Stop him, my slave!" hissed Pangingi to Hagrid. He rushed to the window as fast as his half-giant legs could convey him, but it was too late! The incomprehensible mess that was Ron had successfully slid out the window, and nto the lake!
Pangingi screamed in frustration, backflipping off of Hagrid and kicking him to the ground.
"Worthless man!" she hissed. "Give me your wallet."
Hagrid sobbed and nodded. "Yes mistress!" he babbled, forking over the dough.
Pangingi snatched it from him and said "Good. Message me tomorrow for your punishment!"
"Yes Mistress!" sobbed Hagrid.
But like they say, tomorrow never comes. For once Pangingi had stomped away to go absorb some more witches, Vincent Crabbe jumped down from the ceiling and snapped Naked Hagrid's neck! The Inquisitorial Squad was BACK!!!
"Heh, child's play," laughed Crabbe, and he cast Fiendfyre into the hallway to follow Pangingi. But Pangingi had heard Hagrid's neck snap with her incredible hearing. Besides that, she'd already smelled Crabbe hiding in the ceiling, because girls can smell if you've fapped in the last 48 hours and Crabbe couldn't control himself. So Hagrid's neck snapping was merely confirmation for her. She dived out the window of a nearby classroom... and into THE LAKE.
"Harryyyy..." rasped Voldemort. "It's so good to see you..."
Harry sprinted towards him, ready to dive onto his chest and get some ground and pound in, but two Slytherns caught his arms.
"Let me go!" he roared. "That BASTARD KILLED MY PARENTS!"
"No Harryyy..." rasped Voldemort. "I was there the night your parents died, it's true... *wheeze* but your parents were killed... by THE LONGBOTTOMS!!!"
Meanwhile, HP Longbottom had successfully become one with the Moon Presence, and was now a High-Value Man.
Every car in the world was now HIS. Every woman in the world was now HIS. His bag, like humanity's insignificance, was eternally secured.
"Yessssss! Yesssssssssssss!" he sobbed, looking at his bank account. 10,000 Moon Credits(MOON), the equivalent of the entirety of the European Union's economy.
He'd already forgotten all about H*rmione. She might have been a 7 at Hogwarts University. But outside that little hick-college? In the Grand Scheme of things, in the VAST, DARK, BROODING, AND UNCARING AND UNFORGIVING UNIVERSE? Hermione was at BEST a 6.
HP Longbottom had expanded his mind beyond the scope of humanity and now realized that the true apex of sexuality lied in the stars. Only Beyond Humanity's sissy solar system would he ever find a true 10/10.
But for now... He looked down upon Pangingi.
"This will suffice," he cackled like a freak.
"Harryyy," rasped Voldemort, who was in the middle of an intense fist fight with him. Voldemort was an elite striker, like an Irishman. He wasn't Irish, but he had trained under the best for decades and so he was able to easily dodge Harry's blows.
Harry had the strength and tenacity of youth, but wasn't skilled enough to connect with Voldemort. Voldemort, after dodging a wild swing from Harry, grabbed Harry by the throat and body slammed him through a table.
"Haarrryyyyy!" rasped Voldemort, *cough* "listen to meee... The Longbottoms... I tried to save your mother, Potter... I tried so hard... but their star child magic was too powerful... After defeating me, they assumed my form and killed your parents.
Thank God, your father at least survived."
"MY FATHER? MY FATHER IS DEAD!" growled Harry, springing from the table.
"No, Harry," said Snape, appearing from behind the corner. "I'm not dead."
Harry looked at him in shock and awe. "No... it... WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
"James was a cuck, Harry," explained the Potions Master. "I knew you'd be safer with him, since I warring with the Great Old Ones."
Harry fell to his knees and started crying like a baby. Voldemort patted him on the shoulder and Snape went down and hugged him. Malfoy was crying too.
Cho Chang was turned off now.
Meanwhile, Naked Hagrid rose to his feet. It wasn't the first time he'd had his neck snapped. He longed for revenge, but Crabbe had already ninja'd away after Pangingi.
Naked Hagrid decided he'd take his rage out on another. He quietly stomped around the school, on the hunt to satiate his bloodlust. Ahh, Anthony Goldstein! The Ravenclaw member of Dumbledore's "Army".
Naked Hagrid snuck up and put him in the rear naked naked choke hold. The last thing Goldstein ever felt was Naked Hagrid's mammoth dick pressing against his upper back. With a quick flex of his bicep, Naked Hagrid severed Anthony Goldstein's spine entirely. Then he tore his head off and threw it onto the ground, growling.
"GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGRRRAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I HATE WOMEN." He started screaming his absolute lungs out and jumped out a window. Into... THE LAKE.
Meanwhile Pangingi and Lupinron were having a battle to decide who would reign supreme over the star children. Pangingi's position as Neville's breeding sow was already secured, but it wasn't enough. She wanted power absolute, and would acquire it By Any Means Necessary. Lupinron was barely sentient, but was ... because he was still part-werewolf, he was able to receive more MOON POWER than Pangingi could. So this was a matter of hiss strength vs. Pangingi's cunning.
the Slytherins didn't interfere, hoping that they'd just kill each other.
Meanwhile Harry had stopped crying and accepted Voldemort's Truth.
"Harryyyyy," Voldemort rasped. "We've all always loved your mother. She was so hot. We'd never do anything to harm her, even if she was a Mudblood. But the Star Children and the Great Old Ones despise beauty. And the Longbottoms, whose real names cannot be pronounced by human tongues, were long under the influence of... the Moon Presence. They BEGGED Lily to murder you in her womb, but when she refused... she had a target on her back ever since. When the Longbottoms disguised as me tried to kill you, your mother's love protected you.
"Yeah," rasped Voldemort. "So let's all join forces and defeat the star children and the moon presence."
"How can we do that?" asked Malfoy. "the Ravenrocket was stolen by HP Longbottom!"
"I wouldnt worry about that... I think he's going to bring it back," said a Ravenclaw nerd, who saw the rocket blasting back down towards them.
HP Longbottom and the Ravenrocket landed with a KERSPLASH, sending bloody rain pouring down on everyone in the lake. Which was like, all of the Slytherins, in patrol boats and small magic battleships, and the gundam,i mean the slythdams.
"This is the moment we've been waiting for, Harry," said Snape, holding Harry close in a fatherly way. "The time to avenge your mother and James upon us."
"And I'LL lead the charge!" rasped Voldemort, jumping into the lake, and casting Icio! He made an ice path and skating along it like Frozone. Towards the landing site where the Ravenrocket was bobbing in the water.
Meanwhile, Pangingi and Lupinron were duking it out. Pangingi was much more SKILLED and INTELLIGENT, but Lupinron's healing ability was too strong for Pangingi to deal any lasting damage on him though. She didn't have a chance! That is, until her eternal thrall, Naked Hagrid jumped onto Lupinron's back and started choking him out!
"Good, you pathetic worm, good!" screamed Pangingi, "Hold him still!" and with three lightning-quick slashes, she RRRRRRRIPPED out Lupinron's brain and devoured it whole.
"Noooooooooooo!" screamed Goyle and Crabbe in unison, rushing forward in their Slythdams to stop her. Crabbe desperately cast Fiendfyre at her.
But it was too late, Pangingi quadrupled in size! Like her mothers before her, she was a witch you couldn't burn! She SWALLOWED the Fiendfyre like...
But then, Cho Chang was casting uh... Leviticus Aquafina, and she controlled all the water in the lake to imprison Pangingi in a giant water ball! No witch had EVER successfully cast Leviticus Aquafina before, but that was because of the sexism built into the magical school system! Women can do anything that men can do, and Pangingi and Cho were out here proving it!
"GARGRAGGARGAGRAGARGARGAGAGGUGUGUGRRGLE!!!!!" SEETHED Pangingi, clawing at the water. But it was no use. She was trapped like a cosmic rat.
Or was she?
For Just then, as Voldemort had finally skated his way to the Ravenshuttle, HP Longbottom EXPLODED out of the ship and into the water prison!
"Ha, fool!" laughed some idiot. "Now HE'S trapped too!"
"No..." said Harry Potter... "NOOOOOOOO!!!"
There was a sudden glare of light, and everyone looked up and saw that that the man on the moon was GLARING at them
They looked back down and saw HP Cosmicbottom the Moon Man, with Pangingi inside of him, grinning with some incomprehensible emotion.
With two mighty waves of his gigantic tentacle-hands, he slapped Goyle and Crabbe's Slythdams clear out of the lake.
"What are we going to do?!" asked Malfoy, holding Harry's hand nervously. Harry blushed.
"We're leaving," said Snape, and he threw a barrel bomb of floo powder down at their feet. They wooshed away JUST as HP Moonbottom's mighty fist came crashing down.
Snape, Harry, Malfoy, and Cho Chang, and some other people that we dont need rn reappeared in Hogwarts U.
"Professor-- I mean... DAD, you saved us!" cried Harry happily.
"Not yet, Potter-- I mean... son..." said Snape sadly, but with a smile. "Until HP Longbottom and the rest of the Star Children are destroyed, the entire JK Rowling's Wizarding World is in danger!"
"But how can we stop him?" said Malfoy. "He's become a level 50, S-class Eldrertch Monstrosity beyond human comprehension!"
"Yeah," said Snape. "We may have to ask dragons for help."
"Good idea," said Harry, "I like dragons."
"We should ask that Weasley brother who works with dragons if he can help us get some!" said Cho Chang, an instant before she was hit in the back by a killing curse.
A killing curse cast by.............. FILCH?!
Filch was naked and grinning hideously. He started dancing around with glee.
Harry sprinted like a cheetah to kill him, but there was a... a bunch of rats in his way. a wall of rats! THE RATS IN THE WALLS! AS FORETOLD BY HP LONGBOTTOM'S NECRONOMICON!
"AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled Peter Pettigrew, dancing around like a ballerina. He was also naked. The rats were pouring out of his wand.
"What is going on here?!" cried Malfoy, clutching Harry's arm in fear. Harry blushed.
"GET BACK!" roared Crabbe, who'd escaped with Goyim out of their Slythdams. Crabbe cast Fiendfyre and Goyle blew petals of ice from his fingertips like Haku from Spirited Away, and they became a mighty ice dragon and mingled with the Fiendfyre and they SLAMMED into the... rats. they slammed into the rats and Peter Petigrew shrieked in fear, and ran away with Filch, but Filch was too slow and Harry lunged through the flaming wall of rats! He landed on Filch and started beating him to death with his fists, going gorilla mode and hammer-fisting the "caretaker" relentlessly.
"Harry, wait!" cried Cho Chang, "Don't kill him!"
Cho took off her robe and revealed she was wearing a skin-tight bodysuit.
A nearby Ravenclaw nerd chuckled and pushed up his glasses. "Curseproof body armor," he said. "Specifically designed by uh... professor Flitwick, the Charms Master! It's one of a kind. It took almost all of Flitmick's power to be created. It nearly killed him. They cannot be mass-produced."
Cho Chang looked fucking incredible. Like Zero-Suit Samus, but it was the colors of Ravenclaw House. Everyone had to avert their eyes. Except for Harry, who stood up from the half-dead Filch and walked over towards her. "Cho... I..."
Draco Malfoy pretended to be light-headed and started to faint.
"W-woah, Draco!" Harry cried, catching him. "Are you OK?"
"Y-yeah, I... now I am..." Draco said softly.
Cho saw what was going on here and stealthily snuck her hand inside Harry's robe, gently caressing him with her fingertips.
"Good, I'm glad ur ok," said Harry quickly, putting Draco down. "Excuse me everyone, I have to go-- I forgot to get something, at the, in my dorm room. I'll be right back. Cho, please help me look for it, it's important."
Cho smirked like a complete bitch at Malfoy and skipped after Harry. Draco seethed as he miserably watched her perfect ass follow after Harry. Even he wanted a piece of it. He had no hope of competing. N-not that he wanted to...
Snape understood all that was happening around him and chose to ignore it. He walked towards the fallen janny, giving Crabbe and Goyle hearty pats on the shoulders as he passed them. They had advanced to A-class Eldritch Hunters. Putting them neatly into the top-100 most powerful wizards in known history. Whoa.
Snape picked up Filch and carried him off to the dungeon to his CIA "Enhanced Interrogation" Room.
Meanwhile, Voldemort and HP Longbottom were having a Duel of the Fates on the Lake.
It took an enourmous amount of chi-energy, or chakra if you prefer, for Voldemort to keep his ice-skates on and prevent him from sinking into the dangerous depths where lurked the grindylows, ready to drown witches and wizards! Also the giant squid of course, which was still wild and untamed even despite the Slytherin's many attempts at domesticating it. indeed, the giant squid felt more of a kinship with the star children, obviosly. which, in fact, was why it the giant squid was propping up HP Longbottom!!! allowing him to have this wild duel with Voldemort!
it was true that Pangingi was already on her own able to defeat Voldemort. But the intense pressur thate voldemort was now under, his desperate desire to protect all of his friends?... it CHANGED voldemort, it allowed him to unlock an extra chakra-gate in his body, increasing his magical capabilities by let's just say a lot. or more specifically, DOUBLE.
HP Longbottom sensed this and hissed.
"SssssssSO! Your precious friends really mean that much to you?" he hissed.
"Worry about me, not them!" rasped Voldemort, throwing a lightning-fast question mark kick. i just got distracted by an insanely hot karate tomboy's youtube videos sorry, what was i writing about
"FOOL!!!" cackled HP Longbottom, throwing his head back like rubber to avoid it. "It wont be so easy to hit me! But can you say the same about... YOURSELF?!"
And with that, tentacles exploded from the water, enveloping voldermort and pulling him into the murky deep.
"Tell me everything you know about the Moon Presence and the others under its influence here at Hogwarts," Severus Snape said as he was torturing Naked Filch with Unforgivable Spells.
but Filch had nothing to live for after his cat was lost. "IM NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING!" he screamed.
"What if we find your cat?" asked Malfoy.
"M-Mr.s Norris?" gasped Naked Filch, for a moment his humanity breaking through the Influence.
"Okay," agreed Naked Filch. "Find Mrs. Norris and I'll narc on everyone else who's been converted!"
"Good work, Malfoy," said Snape, closing the door behind them. "After we find Mrs. Norris and get all the information, you can kill Filch as a reward if you want."
"No thanks, Professor," said Daco gloomily. He was imagining what Harry and Cho were doing rn. It'd been about half an hour since they left together. it took 5 minutes to walk up to Harry's room. So the way Draco figured it, there was a 100% chance that at this moment, Harry was inside of Cho.
He didn't like that. He wished he could trade places with-- either one of them, he wasn't sure. Definitely one though, because this was bullshit. They were off having sex while he was stuck with Professor Snape torturing Naked Filch and now he had to go look for a cat? In his anger and jealousy, Draco decided at that moment that he'd somehow try to come between them.
"Professor, I have to go do something, I'll keep an eye out for Mrs. Norris though," Draco said.
"Draco, I don't mind you stealing Cho from my son," said Snape. "I want him to marry a White woman and I grow tired of his yellow fever. But if you try to turn my precious Harry gay, then... let's just say..."
Professor Snape put on a hat with a Confederate flag.
"Do I make myself clear?"
Draco gulped. "C-crystal, professor..."
Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyim were patrolling around Hogwarts U with Professor Flintwick, building a Big Beautiful Wall(BBW) of charms to keep out invaders who didnt belong in Hogwarts U. They already had enough problems to deal with, they didnt need MORE eldtrich monstrosities beyond human comprehension coming in.
"Professor Flitwick," said Crabbe. "Can you make suits for us like you did for Cho?"
Professor Flitwink sighed. "I can, but it'll kill me," he said.
"Okay" said Goyle.
"No professor, we still need you around. at least for now lol," said Crabbe. "But those suits sure would come in handy for this war. And it's a shame you made one for Cho. She's not even as powerful as us."
"Yeah why her professor?" asked Goyle.
"Because she's a Ravenclaw, lads, it was a House Secret" said Flitwick. "plus have you seen her body?"
"And not only that," went on Flitwick. "Not only is she nice and slim with a firm ass and 'juuust right' b-cup tits, but she's TALENTED. She may not be a Crabbe or a Goyle, but give her some credit, boys!"
"Professor did you see her naked when you were sizing her up for the suit?" asked Goyle.
"Of course I did," said Flitwick. "Why do you ask?"
"Just wondering," said Goyle, kicking a pebble. He wished HE got to see Cho naked.
Meanwhile, Cho was demonstrating just how talented she was, by biting Harry's neck and sucking every ounce of magic from his body!...!!??
"Noooooooooo," groaned Harry half-heartedly because she was still riding him and he was as hard as a diamond rn. he didn't even really know what was happening, it was awesome.
"I'm sorry Harry, but I have to do this," said Cho, as she left his passed-out body on his bed. he had such a satisfied goofy smile on his face. She put on her curse armor once again and prepared to go out... TO THE LAKE
weanwhile, Voldemort was being dragged down into Davy Jones' Locker, the Final Destination of all Scurvy Witches and Wizards.
because even though Voldemort was a good guy, he'd still done bad things in his life, and he had to be punished for them. Or did he?
"Arrr, if it isn't Tom Riddle," said Davy Jones.
"Hello David," rasped Voldemort. "I must ask you to allow me to return to Hogwarts. My friends need me. The world needs me."
"Yaaar," laughed Jones. "Ye think ye can get away from suffer'n yer punishment? But ye cant, Tom. For all the Muggles and race-traitors ye killed, you owe me at least 72 hours of service on the Dutchman! THEN ye'll be free!"
"David," rasped Voldemort patiently, "I dont HAVE 72 hours! I need to go NOW!" He could feel something swelling within the pit of his tummy.
Jones glared at him and didnt relent. He pointed at the Flying Dutchman which was parked next to them. "Get. on. board. Tom."
Voldemort let out a deep breath as his second chakra gate opened. A fraction of a second later, Davy Jones' head was soaring through the air. Voldemort had jumped up and soccer kicked it clean off his shoulders.
He eyed the Flying Dutchman. "There's a new Captain in town," he rasped.
The magical protection charm that Proffessor McGonagall and Professor Midget had put on the door of Hogwarts U was holding... but maybe not for long. HP Longbottom was punching the door with his giant boxing gloves like Grond the battering ram from the Lord of the Rings.
Draco and Harry both perked up. They thought they'd heard a lotr reference, and as big Tolkienheads, they could sense these things. Harry didnt realize yet that all his magic was gone, he was still in the afterglow of the total and complete satisfaction Cho had given him. Draco could tell and he wanted to start crying. Instead he said
"S-so Harry, did you find that thing you were looking for?"
"Oh I found it," said Harry, pleased.
"O-oh... good..." Draco said.
He didnt know what else to do. He lunged onto Harry and tried kissing him, but Harry, in revulsion, pushed him off. "DRACO! What the hell?!"
"W-what?" asked Drako.
"I'm not gay, Draco," said Harry. "Ok? Just... accept it. Please. I want us to be friends, but if you're going to like, try to make me a fag, then idk what to tell you..."
"Y-yeah, I... sorry..." said Draco. He faced away from Harry and SEETHED. How dare POTTER reject him like this? There was only one thing left to do.
Malfoy jumped out the window and into... THE LAKE.
Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were sparring with each other in kickboxing.
Meanwhile, Cho Chang had begun her battle against the Elderitch Lord, HP Longbottom. She had to save the Hogwarts U gates like a mission in a video game-- and their health was very low.
"YOU FOOLISH HUMAN!!!" screamed Longbottom, swinging at her. "You really think you can defeat ME? MY POWER AND COSMIC INDIFFERENCE IS BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION!!! NO LIVING HUMAN CAN HINDER ME!!!"
Cho Chang bared her fangs and revealed she was in fact a vampire-succubus. "I am no human," she said, and she spinning back-kicked Longbottom so hard in the side of the head it popped off. Out from his neck burst Pangingi!
"I'm free!" she sang. She summoned Naked Hagrid, who appeared by her side almost instantly. "Take me away from here, slave," she ordered. "I must devour more witches. I will devour the Moon Presence when the time is right."
But then she stopped and looked at Cho Chang. "Nvm" she thought... "she's too powerful... for now..". Naked Hagrid sprouted tentacle wings and flew away with her.
HP Longbottom didnt say anything as his head reattached itself... but he felt like he'd just been broken up with. Totally used and thrown out. He thought that he and Pangingi were... he thought they were ONE... and the second his head falls off, she just LEAVES him, like nothing ever mattered to her? HP Longbottom's incomprehensible heart shrivelled and died, and he'd never felt more blackpilled. He clenched his fists. He hated star-women so much.
it was just Neville and Cho now. Neville, little sissyboy Neville, who'd always been Draco's punching bag back in Hogwarts 1... but now... he had THE POWR OF THE MOON lurking inside of him, the power to COMPLETELY DOMINATE any female brain, curse-armor or not.
Neville smirked and prepared to sprout his hypnotic eyeballs when Draco Malfoy leapt onto his back, slamming him into the ground. Malfoy hooked his legs in and mounted Neville's back and started punching him in the sides of the head. Neville knew what was happening because Malfoy used to do this to him all the time when they were kids. "MALFOY NOOOOO! PLEASE!!!" he sobbed, his PTSD flaring up.
"M-Malfoy!" Cho gasped. He didnt really save her, because Cho was prepared for the Moon, at least partially... BY SUCKING OUT HARRY'S MASCULINE MAGIC, Cho was able to partially-immunize her against the Moon Presence. Combined with her already impressive brainpower, it might have totally leveled the playing field against HP Longbottom.
But now? She didnt even have to test herself. Because Draco Malfoy was here, giving Neville permanent brain damage.
There were no teachers anywhere, so when Neville covered up the sides of his head, Malfoy just switched to punching him in the back of the head instead. It was hopeless lol. Neville was literally going to be beaten to death.
"No!" cried Cho, lunging onto Malfoy and pushing him off. "T-that's enough, Draco..." she whispered. Seeing Neville get the living shit beaten out him though had turned her on so much. And Harry hadn't even gotten close to satisfying her. It wasn't Harry's fault really, but that didn't matter. Cho was still well in the mood.
"Cho..." Draco said softly. He pulled her head down and kissed her.
Crabbe and Goyle were finished with their training. they felt confident that they were the most electrifying tag-team in Hogwarts History. alone, sure, they were still top-1oo Wizards, no doubt. But TOGETHER? THAT was their secret weapon, the power of their friendship.
And there was nothing else like it in the world.
Crabbe and Goyle were so N-sync, that it alloewd them to hold their own against enemies even many times stonger than them alone. Years after the Great War, their Crabbe and Goyle's friendship would be considered by historians to be as powerful as the Elder Wand.
Speaking of the Elder Wand? Where was it? Good question. it was of course in hte hands of Harry Potter, who'd used it to Stupidfy Cho Chang into thinking she was a vampire-succubus who'd stolen his magic. "Sorry Cho," he said to himself. "I love you... but i cant be tied down. That's how ive been the Boy Who Lived all my life. there's no room in my life for such desires of the flesh." Harry flexed his bicep. "This. This is the key to my strength, the key to humanit's survival. ME! AND ME ALONE!" Harry was such a genius problem-solver. Cho, thinking she was like humanity's only hope or some shit, would leave Harry alone now. And Harry had even killed 2 birds with 1(one) stone, because now that bisexual idiot Malfoy would go chase after her and leave Harry alone, which was a good thing because truthfully a little more pressure and Harry would have made Draco his boiwife. But Harry was finally safe from everyone who wanted to have sex with him... Right?
Harry took out his sexual frustrations by punching a hole in the wall using Expelliarmus. He'd trained so much, that he was able to now cast magic without his wand, using his LIMBS as his wand. A punch or a kick from Harry Potter could be packed with anything from a Flippendo to... an Avada Kevadra!
And that's exactly what happened when Naked Hagrid snuck up on him from behind. He wrapped his massibe arms around Harry's back, preparing to bear-hug Harry to death!
But Harry Potter wasnt just the Boy Who Lived... he was the Boy Who Killed, too. He quickly focused his magic into the back of his head and he threw his head back, headbutting Hagrid in the chest with an Avada Kedavra!
Naked Hagrid fell to the ground, dead.
Harry stumbled a little. Casting the killing curse through his own head was enough to cause a major migraine. But he was OK... he was ok...
Or was he? For at that moment, Pangingi dropped down from the ceiling and landed on top of him.
"Potterrrrr..." she hissed.
Before Harry could even REACT, Pangingi gave him an Eldritch Dementor's Kiss. (which will be explained later!) but also it's an important detail to know that this isn't a regular Dementor's Kiss and is a lot more like French kissing.
Meanwhile, Malfoy was zipping up his pants. He'd made his impression. It was so over for Harry. Malfoy was about the same size as Harry, but was *very* much more energetic and attentive during sex, because he was on adderall and also unlike Harry, he hadn't taken a vow of chastity, so he'd had a lot of practice on Slytherin girls. Draco Malfoy knew how to work women like a veteran machinist knows how to survive whatever metal death-trap he's been stationed to for 15 years.
You'd never see a leaked video of Draco Malfoy being pulled into a gruesome mechanical death. The only thing Draco was ever pulled into was nice warm pussy.
"Draco!" gasped Cho. "That was... that was..."
Draco smirked. "I know," he said. "A bit better than the Boy Who Cums too Fast, arent I?"
"Who? Oh... Harry..." Cho was silent for a moment. She didn't really care about Harry lol. She was only ever into him because he was famous and popular, and not bad looking. But Malfoy was better in just about every way. Better looking, not a four-eyed geek like Potter. Better genes too. She knew Harry's mom was a mudblood. If she was going to race mix with a white boi, it might as well be a pure-blooded one like Draco. Plus, Harry didn't even have any magic anymore lol, she'd sucked it all out!
Yeah, Draco was the easy choice. Cho smiled to herself and closed her eyes. Then for Some Reason, Harry's mind-control over her ceased and it dawned on Cho that she wasn't really a vampire-succubus and that she'd been bamboozled.
She growled and sprung to her feet. Draco looked at her, surprised.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
She didn't respond, she summoned her broomstick and flew off to go give Harry a piece of her mind!
Meanwhile, Snape was angrily muttering to himself. "It's like I'm the only fucking person who does any work around here..." he was stalking the corridors looking for Mrs. Norris. He'd drank a potion that heightened his sense of smell to be like a hound's, so he was sniffin' out her trail.
Snape turned a corner, where he was certain Mrs. Norris was! And of course, what else would he find but a giant Were-cat hissing at him?
Snape barely had time to curse, in both ways, before it lunged at him. And IT barely had time to lunge at him, before Crabbe and Goyle ran out from behind Snape and tackled it in mid-air, pinning it down by both of its arms. It seethed and spat and hissed and wriggled and wiggled and wurmed and squirmed, but it couldn't get out from from under the two talented wizards.
Snape looked down at it. "Mrs. Norris, I presume..."
HP Longbottom groaned and stood up. He was alone at the front gate of Hogwarts U. His incomprehensible healing factor fixed up all the brain damage Horny Draco had dealt to him.
"Foolish, insignificant human..." spat Longbottom. "I'll make you regret not finishing me off!" He sprouted tentacle wings and took off.
Little did HP Longbottom know, that Malfoy ALREADY regretted not finishing him off!
Post-nut clarity tended to hit the intelligent Slytherin like a blast of dynamite. He knew that he had more important thing to think about than sex with Cho Chang, or his gay crush on Harry Potter. Malfoy was the TRIBAL CHIEF of Slytherin House, dammit. It was his duty to protect the school, nay, the WORLD.... dammit...
Malfoy hit himself on the head a few times, and summoned his broomstick. He was going to follow after Cho, but NOT for horny reasons, but to RALLY her and Harry, and meet up with Professor Snape! They had cosmic abominations to dispatch! Together!
Before Draco could hop onto his stick though, a tentacle erupted from the earth and dragged him down into the dirt.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Norris was shrieking racial and homophobic slurs at Snape and Crabbe and Goyle as they dragged her hog-tied through the corridors back to Naked Filch. She'd been given the Gift of Gab! one of the last bastions of free speech on the Internet! Make your account today!
"This cat is based as hell, professor," said Crabbe. "Do we really have to turn her over to that pervert who was obviously molesting her?"
"I'm afraid we do, Goyle," said Snape.
"Kidding, Crabbe, I'm only joking. You think I can't tell you two apart?" He smiled and patted them both on the backs. And then he added: "And you think I can't tell when you're under the Influence of the Moon?"
Crabbe and Goyle gasped as Professor Snape, with incredible strength and speed, took them both by the backs of their heads and bonked them into each other like the three stooges. THey passed out cold in his arms.
"Poor lads..." he sighed. Concussions were no fun, but it was all he could do for them right now. He HAD to get Racist Mrs. Norris back to Naked Filch FAST, so he could learn who else was a Moon Spy.
He laid the lads down and kissed their foreheads to make it better. They had only RECENTLY been mind-broken by the Moon Presence, so they'd be okay when they woke up, probably.
The only question was... .........................who had attacked them? Who could have SUCCESSFULLY beaten two of the greatest wizards of their generation?
Severus's answer came in the form of a laugh.
"Oh Severus," chuckled Dumbledore, who appeared from behind the corner. He was naked. "I just don't know what to do with you..."
"Of course..." thought Snape to himself, "Dumbledore's a faggot... to the Moon Presence, he's no stronger than a woman..."
Naked Dumbledore was smiling hideously and incomprehensibly as he outstretched his arms. "Come, Severus. Embrace me. Embrace the Moon. It's what Lily would have wanted."
Snape said nothing. Instead, he took from his robes his Confederate flag hat. He turned it backwards, like Ash Ketchum.
As Dumbledore's hands turned into tentacles, Snape was already upon him with his collapsible baton.
During this, Mrs. Norris had managed to escape from her bonds. She was now running like a cheetah through the halls. "I've got to find my frens," she thought to herself.
Racist Mrs. Norris didn't have to look far, because her oomfies had already been looking for her too!
"Fawkes! Buckbeak!" said Mrs. Norris happily as they ran along beside her.
"We've been looking for you, Mrs. Norris," said Fawkes telepathically. Buckbeak couldnt talk because he was stupid but he could understand stuff. Fawkes went on: "Someone let in a bunch of those people you don't like! We wanted to make sure you were OK!"
Which Magically-Accepted People (MAPS) Fawkes was referring too would never be known, because all three of them stopped dead in their tracks. Naked Filch and Naked Wormtail aka Peter Pettigrew were there. They stood their grinning horribly (and incomprehensibly) for a moment, before tentacles exxploded from their arms and they started sprinting towards Mrs. Norris and company.
As he was dragged through an underground tunnel by tentacles, Draco Malfoy found himself in a Dead Space cutscene where he had to use his wand to cast severing charms at the tentacles to get them off before it was too late!
"DIFFINDO! DIFFINDO!" Draco screamed, and the magic FLEW from his wand like a samurai sword, chopping the tentacles off and freeing him. "Yay, I did it!" Malfoy cheered but then he realized he was traped underground in a very cramped tunnel and could be barely breathe.
"This might be the end..." Draco said. But then he remembered that he could apparate and so he did.
Draco apparated in Harry's room just in time to see Cho Chang and Pangingi in a cat fight. Harry was standing back watching them go at it. He and Draco were STUNNED at the fight that was taking place in front of them. The witch and star-witch abomination were casting high-level spells at each other that Draco didnt even RECOGNIZE. But Pangingi was obviously more powerful. She'd absorbed over a dozen witches at this point (and was now complete mystery-meat, but still not bad looking) AND she'd ACTKUSALLY taken all of Harry's magic with her Eldritch Dementor's Kiss. Cho was gonna lose! She kept taking curses to her fine-as-fucc body, and Professor's Midget's anti-curse armor held up, but the impact was still like getting shot. aAnother curse sent her off her feet and Pangingi stood over her, smirking incomprehensibly, and was about to Avaka Kedavara her right in the face, but Malfoy snapped out of it and tackled her off!
"FOOLISH MAN-THING!!!" Pangingi shrieked. "GET OFF OF ME! HEEEEEELP!!!!! THIS INCEL IS BEING CREEPY!!!!"
Harry's trigger-word, "incel", activated his thralldom and he kicked Draco off of Pangingi. "Leave her alone, Incel Dork!" he yelled. "No woman will ever fuck you!"
Draco looked up at him, stunned. Harry's face had mutated into a Soyjak.
"why am i so hungry?" wondered Dobby the House Elf as he rummaged through the kitchen, snacking like a fiend.
He took a handful of Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans (spinach, coffee, drywall, steak, paint, and japanese girl armpit) and chomped them down with a glass of iced tea, but suddenly a pirate ship burst through the wall, impaling and pinning poor Dobby to the wall.
Voldemort hopped off the Flying Dutchman. "I've returned!" he rasped. And after taking a second to euthanize Dobby, he sprinted out of the kitchen to find where he could help!
He didn't have to sprint long! Because Racist Mrs. Norris and her fellow racist magical creatures were WARRING with Naked Filch and Naked Wormtail!
Norris had latched on to Naked Filch's arm with her fangs, and he was swinging her massive werecat body through the air with his star-thrall strength. "Mrs. Norris, why are you doing this!" he yelled angrily. She only hissed in reply.
Buckbeak and Fawkes were having a bit of a harder time. Naked Peter Pettigrew had perfected Rat Magic and had transformed into a giant rat!
"Mrs. Norris! Buckbeak! Fawkes!" rasped Voldemort. "SWITCH OPPONENTS!" he advised.
Genius! Mrs. Norris dropped off of Naked Filch and ran at Giant-Rat Form Naked Peter Pettigrew, and his ratbrain instinct caused him to freak out and run away! But Mrs. Norris was faster than him! She jumped and bit into the back of his neck, and brought him down like a lion taking down a gazelle.
Giant cat vs giant rat? You do the math. Here's a hint: 1+1 = Mrs. Norris tore Peter Pettigrew's head off and flung it at Naked Filch, who was being dragged into the air by Buckbeak and Fawkes, so hard that it slammed him into the wall, the head breaking his ribs and the wall breaking his back. Then when he fell and landed, he broke his left arm. His life was ruined.
"Good job, everyone!" rasped Voldemort happily, running over to them. They all happily surrounded them and he joyfully petted them.
Meanwhile Pangingi was back to magically beating the hell out of Cho Chang because Harry had tackled Draco out the window, and into... THE LAKE!
"It's over, bitch," cackled Pangingi, as she lifted Cho up against the wall and prepared to absorb her. But was it really over?
No, because Luna Lovegood tackled Pangingi off of Cho! "Get out of here, Cho!" she cried.
"I'm not leaving you!" said Cho.
Luna used magic to throw Cho out the window, and into the lake! "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Pangingi.
Voldemort took out his knife from Monster Hunter and carved up Wormtail, collecting 1 Rat Meat, 1 Tail, and 2 Fangs. He put them into his inventory. "This is exactly what I needed," he rasped.
Mrs. Norris, who was a racist, spoke up first. "Tom," she said. "Thank you for coming to help us. What's our next move to remove these subhumans from the school?"
Voldemort stood over Naked Filch, who was groaning in agony. He rasped "Well, Filch. Will you help us identify the Star-Spawn in the school? Maybe I can mend your broken bones if you do."
Naked Filch just wanted the suffering to end. "SAVE ME AND I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING," he weeped.
Before he could do that though, HP Longbottom dropped down from the ceiling, landing on Naked Filch's head and smashing it like a pumpkin. In an instant, he and Voldemort were exchanging punches and kicks.
"Mrs. Norris!" rasped Voldemort, "Get out of here! Find Draco Malfoy!"
"Okay," said Mrs. Norris, and she cursed and said some racial slurs. "Come on, gang!" Fawkes and Buckbeak retreated with her.
Meanwhile Pangingi was riding a newly-reborn Naked Hagrid through the school, punching and aborbing every witch unlucky enough to pass by her. After Luna Lovegood had sent Cho Chang out the window, Pangingi threw her out the window in anger as well. Now Pangingi was kicking herself for not just absorbing Luna instead. She had to make up for it.
"Hi, I'm Angelina!" said Angelina Johnson.
Pangingi punched her in the face, adding a dash of chocolate to her form. Angelina's magic was strong enough to transform her now into Pangelingi.
Pangelingi flexed her hands. The power... she had to test it... She told Naked Hagrid to halt.
"Yes mistress!" he cried, falling on to his hands and knees so she could dismount him.
"What kind of a man are you?" asked Pangelingi.
"A girly-man," sobbed Naked Hagrid.
"Go on," said Pangelingi.
"M-mistress?" stuttered Naked Hagrid.
"WHAT ELSE ARE YOU?" screamed Pangelingi.
"A little sissy baby girly-boi!" Naked Hagrid cried.
"What's between your legs?" asked Pangelingi.
"A useless little girl-dick," Naked Hagrid blubbered.
"Excellent," said Pangelingi. "You may leave now."
Naked Hagrid got to his feet and turned away to leave.
"Oh, Slave?" she said.
Pangelingi cast Kedavra Ultima at him, sending a nuclear bomb's force of Death at him, breaking him down to the atomic level. In a flash of vibrant green, there was no more Hagrid there, naked or otherwise.
All that remained of him was the saddle that had been strapped to him for Pangelini to ride.
"That will be all, Slave," she cackled, reaching into the saddlebag and taking Hagrid's wallet again.
Crabbe and Goyle woke up. "Kedavra Ultima..." they said in unison.
Naked Dumbledore and Severus Snape even stopped fighting for a moment when they felt it. That POWER. "No..." said Severus. "It can't be..."
Naked Dumbledore grinned hideously. "It CAN be."