PART 1: Cosmic Horror
"you shouldnt have bullied me, Malfoy..." growled HP Longbottom the famous Hufflepurff writer of "Cosmic Horror"
Cosmic Horror is the best kind of horro r because it acknoweldgess that if gods existed (they do not, scientifically speaking) then they wouldnt care about us at all because theyd be so big and we'd be like ants to them.
i always laugh whenever i see christians talk about how much their magical skydaddy loves them lmao. try reading a little HP Longbottom, and then you'll realize just how insignificant you really are.
"MALFOOOOOOY!!!" screamed Longbottom, and he used the Sword of Grifindor to perform Balrog's Gambit from the Lord of the Rings game. (TW: do not read lord of the rings, it was written by a Catholic, the movies are racist too, AVOID)
Balrog's Gambit was simple enough to perform. It was one of the first combos that Neville "HP" Longbottom had learned when he began training with the blade. Simple, but incredibly effective. It consisted of a quick horizontal slash at the opponent's chest, followed by a shove before they could recover, and a powerful uppercut-slash to seal the deal. It was a risky manuever to pull off if there were other enemies around, since either the shove or the vertical slash could be interrupted from the side. Thankfully HP Longbottom had found Malfoy all alone at his locker, with no-one to help him!
Malfoy was dead on the ground in an instant. it was worth the price in house points that would be deducted from Hufflepuff to take out Slytherin's MVP this early in the year.
"Heh, looks like another weakling couldnt hang... this isnt little kid hogwarts anymore, this is Hogwarts University, wehre we learn advanced magic," said Ron Weasley, brandishing his roman gladius.
"Check yourself, Weasely," said Longbottom, the big man on campus. "I dont wanna see that thing out of its shethe unless youre asking for a duel. swords are my domain., and im not going to tolerate anyone challenging me--even if youre not intending to. i hope you understand, because im not giving you a choice and im not going to repeat myself." Longbottom said all of this while he was writing a new piece of lore into his Necronomicon:
The Great Old One, Cthulu was like g*dzilla, but had a tentacle face and bat wings. he could make you go insane just by LOOKINg at him. that's how big and unbeliebablbe he was. human minds are so stupid and weak they cant even comprehend how cosmically insignificant we are. and thats why HP Longbottom wanted to become a writer, so he could change society for the better and get rid of bullies who who have human-centric views and no empathy.
"Sorry, HP," said Ron Weasely, sheathing his blade. "I got a little too excited, i respect you as the swordsman of the school. if you ever need my blade though--"
"you know i dont"
"of course."
anyway HP Longbottom was late for his favorite class... Potions class...
"Neville!" cried Hermione Grander, his girlfriend(female)
"What do you want, woman?" asked HP Lovebottom.
"I want you to explain to me why Draco Malfoy is lying dead in the middle of the hallway on the 3rd floor in front of the FORBIDDEN CORRIDOR," growled Hermione.
HP Longbottom perked up. he liked it when Hermione tested his patience. she was the only one who could, because she was SO tight it was unbelievable. when HP stole Hermione from Ron, he was amazed at how tight she was. Ron must have had such a shrimpy little dick lmao.
"If i told you, id have to kill you too lol" Neville teased, giving her a gentle choke. Hermione's panties couldnt contain her excitement and HP Longbottom ordered Ronald, little baby dick Ronald, to go get a mop.
"anyway Mai, i killed Draco because he gave me attitude. also he was a bully to me back when he still could. all those years ago at Hogwarts 1.
Mai was what Neville AKA HP Longcraft called his girlfriend Hermione because Hermione is such a stupid name with too many syllables so it's unpleasant to say, so HP always just called Her Mai.
"Now get out of here, Mai. The Slytherins are gonna be looking for revenge. I wouldnt be surprised if they came after one of our Freshmen," said Longcraft. "Tell the other Griffs to stay alert. Let my lieutenants know to be on MAXIMUM war-anxiety level.
Mai nodded and skipped away. Ronald came back with the mop and began mopping up her juice.
"Ron, I might yet need your gladius today after all. I hope you're better with it than you are with that broom."
"it's a mop."
"I dont remember asking, but just be ready for the worst. Draco Malfoy was their best duelist, no doubt about it. But that's not how Slytherins roll. we both know that. they prefer the hidden blade, the poison. they fancy themselves a bunch of Italians or Jews. But we'll show them the Anglo spirit yet, won't we?
Ron nodded.
"Well, I will, you redheaded fairy. But I'm sure you'll be of some use yet. Drop the broom, let's get to work on our fortifications. Come with me to Potions class and we'll strategize."
Ron looked at him. "But I've got Charms class on the 5th floor."
HP Longbottom looked at him, sighed, and reached into his satchel to take out his Necronomicon.
"WAIT!" cried Ronald, "I'm sorry, let's go, of course you're right."
Ron dropped his broom(mop) and the two went down into the Dungeons of Hogwarts U., to meet with their oldest and greatest ally: Professor Snape.
Science. Logic. Reason. Atheism. These are the ingredients of the perfect potion.
HP Lovebottom loved Potions class because it was as cool and calculating as he was. no room for emotion, only FACTS, and cold hard data.
"Before you enter my classroom," said Severus Snape, "You must receive your temporary booster to immunize yourself from Mugglepox.
the Mugglerona Virus AKA Mugglepox was a horrifying new disease that stripped Witches and Wizards of their magic, rendering them Muggles, or People of No Magic. No magical person wanted to catch it, but it was considered INSANELY racist to think that there was something wrong with being a Muggle, so Severus Snape was actually a gigantic bigot for having his students take this shot.
"HP Longbottom," said Snape. "I heard you killed Malfoy."
"I don't regret it," said Longbottom.
"Nor should you. He was gay, and a superspreader of Mugglepox," droned Snape, bored. "I'm glad he's dead to be honest, because i was going to have to do something about him myself. Too many innocent witches and wizards have contracted Mugglepox."
"Well we've got an even bigger problem now, ser," ssaid HP. "the Slytherins arent gonna take LMaofoy's death lightly, they're going to retaliate. They wont DARE to come after Hufflepuff House as long as im in charge. but Mai's just a girl, a FEMALE, she cant defend Griffyindor on her own. so i know that's what those slimy serpents are going to target."
"You're right," said Snape. "Here, take this potion."
Snape handed HP Lovecraft what appeared to be an old-timey looney toons bomb.
"What is this professor?"
"Blasting powder. The highest tier of Potions. Hide that in the Slytherin common room while there's a bunch of students in it. light the fuse using your Incendio spell and run away. The blasting powder will take care of the rest."
HP Longbottom smiled. "I love it, thank you professor."
Snape smiled back. but then he frowned when he looked at Ron Weasely. "Weasely what are you doing here?"
"He's with me sir," said HP.
Snape gave Ron a look of like "dude youre luck that this cool guy is vouching for you otherwise id slam you into a locker right now"
HP turned to Ron "Ron, go put this bomb in the Slytherin common room. Make sure it's nice and crowded, ok? im gonna head to my room and work on my book."
"W-what?"
THEY SAY THAT THE TINY HUMAN BRAIN CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO FATHOM HOW COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT IT IS, IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. BEHIND THE VEIL OF HUMAN ARROGANCE LIES THE UNIVERSE: COLD, DARK, BROODING, HATEFUL. THE MIGHTY ANCIENTS WHO'VE INHABITED THE STARS-- THE STAR CHILDREN-- THEY THINK OF HUMANS AS NOTHING BUT MERE COWS, WHO EXIST ONLY TO BE FARMED. wrote HP Longbottom.
Hermione Granger was SQUIRMING with desire. she was head over heels in love with Neville's intellectt. She was sexually attracted to intelligence. This is know as Sapiosexuality, and is itself a sign of EXTREMELY high intelligence, and not only that but also high empathy. You might say that she had superpowers EVEN MORE POTENT than her ability to use magic. It was why she did not fear the Mugglepox, and indeed even embraced it. But HP had forbidden her from attending a "gift giving" party that Malfoy had hosted to spread the gift to as many witches and wizards as possible.
rumor has it... that was the real reason why Neville had killed Malfoy. And by using such a forbidden technique, no less... he must really love and care bout Mai. or at least not want to get an std from her.
Diversity was the greatest strength of Hogwarts University, so any student from any house was allowed in any other house's common room. Well, officially anyway. but house-segregation was the true, unspoken rule. And if there ever appeared any of those creepy subversive types talking about "progress" in the form of "let me into your common room", the Big Dogs, the Chiefs of the Houses would step in and beat the crap out of him before his mind-virus could take root in their houses.
But Malfoy was dead. ANd no-one had the balls to stop Ron Weasley, HP Longbottom's Top Guy, from strolling right into their common room. He put his backpack down and sat on the couch. the nerve of this guy! If Malfoy were here... grr...
"Well," said Ron Weasley. "I just wanted to stop in to uh, pay my condolences. So uh... sorry..." he rustled through his backpack for a second. "I brought some flowers-- oh damn, i forgot them. Sorry, ill be right back..."
Ron Weasley quickly ran through the door of the coomon room and out into the hallway. A young Slytherin boy, a mere freshman-- a handsome tan lad with a zoomer haircut and his whole life ahdead of him--had suspected something, but when he went over to look in Ron's backpack, he only caught the briefest of looks at the black sphere that shattered, scattered, and splattered his mortal coil, and the mortal coils of every other Slytherin in the room.
it was a big blow to Slytherin House. HP Longbottom smirked as he penned the finale' of his chapter in his Necronomicon:
AND SO, JUST AS THEY WERE BORN FROM MEANINGLESS CLUMPS OF CELLS, SO HAVE THEY RETURNED TO THEM, WHILE THE ANCIENT ONES JUST LAUGH AND NOT CARE BECAUSE WE ARE ALL MERE DUST IN THE COSMIC WINDS. THEY WILL SURELY BE MISSED, BUT NOT BY THE UNIVERSE AND NOT BY ME!
HP lONNGbottom laughed so hard and he pet black his magical cat which was sleeping in his lap.
"I cant' get up, this cat is too cute i love it," he said. "my precious little [i couldnt decide between a number of funny racial slurs + man/boy/etc.]---if only humans could be more like cats...
"HP are you coming to bed?" asked Hermione.
"No, ill be sitting at my desk today and continuing my great cosmic horror book AND SO AS THUNDER STRUCK AND THE EYEBALLS OF THE MAN BOILED IN FEAR, IT APPEARED TO HIM AT LAST HOW MEANINGLESS AND STUPID EVERYTHING REALLY WAS., AND THEN HIS BODY EXPLODED IN A FEAST OF GORE."
Hearing such incredible geniusba, Hermione Granger didnt even NEED him to come to bed. 😩🌊
ACTING ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR, TURN YOUR BACK ON MOTHER NATURE, EVERY BODY WANTS TO RULE THE WOOORLD
HP Longbottom sang his heart out the following night at the Huffle-Griff Karaoke, a bi-monthly meeting of the two allied houses, where they rekindled their friendships through song.
everyone cheered and clapped for HP because he was as good of a singer as he was a writer.
but then...
"What are you doing here, Boyle?" growled Hermione at Malfoy's #2, who'd crashed the party. unfortunately it was the last thing she ever said.
"AVADA KEDAVARA!!!" screamed Boyle as he -- wait a minute his name is actually Goyle lmao i though that was just me being, you know. but no, it really is Goyle. Okay, so Goyle shot his flashing green load right into Mai's face, and she collapsed onto the floor. Dead.
"HERMIIIIONEEEEEE!" screamed HP Longbottom, and he threw the karaoke mic at Goyle's head, but Goyle ducked and cast another another killing curse! AVADA DENUVO! An Area-of-Effect(AoE) killing curse that was like a 360 degree scattergun, and cleared almost the entire room, except a few who were lucky enough to duck in time!
"AT WAS FER MALFOOOOY!" laughed Goyle and he ran away out of the Karokae Bar, Hogsmeoke.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed HP Longbottom, clutching his stone-dead girlfriend. "SHE'S DEAD!!!!!"
"HP," said the ghost of Hermione. "I'll always be with you."
"NO YOU WONT!" shrieked HP Longbottom, shoving her. "GHOSTS ARENT REAL, THAT'S HIGHLY ILLOGICAL. YOU'RE JUST A HALLUCINATION CAUSED BY STRESS OR MAYBE SOME KIND OF MOULD IN THIS ROOM!!!"
"No HP, I'm a ghost, but I'm in limbo because I didn't accept Je--"
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT NAME" hissed Longnevile, shielding himself like a vampyr.
"HP, Goy's JUST getting started. He's going to start killing every last Hufflepuff and Gryffindor he can, and only YOU can stop him."
"I know that you're right," said HP Longbottom and he took out the sword of Gryiffindor.
"Not so fast, HP," said... HARRY POTTER!? "You're not a Grydinor anymore, so that sword isnt yours to wield. ANd Harry took out his OWN sword, a katana infused with Fiendfyre!!!
HP Longbottom smirked as his face transformed into a swarming mass of tentacles.
kk im going insane becuse the script i wrote to add paragraph tags to this for some reason is triggered whenever i hit the J key. so i gotta go because i am LITERALLY about to LITERALLY go insane so htats the end of this chapter.
will Harry duel HP Longbottom? Who will win? Only the Ancient Old Ones of the Cold Dark Cosmos know the future, and they wont divulge theeir secrets!
"LONGBOTTOM!" screamed Harry Potter. "GIVE ME THE SWORD OF GRIFYINDOR, OR ELSE, I'LL... I'LL.."
"You'll what?" shrieked HP LOngbottom even MORE loudly, and he took out his Necronomnicon. Horrified, Ron Weasely plugged up his ears as best as he could as HP Longbottom began reading the terrifying cosmic tome!
"THE UNIVERSE IS COLD AND UNCARING. IT DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, HARRY POTTER!" screamed HP Neville. "AND SO WHEN YOUR GUTS ARE SPLATTERED ACROSS THIS HALLWAY, YOU'LL ONLY THEN REALIZE JUST HOW MEANINGLESS YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE REALLY WAS. DO YOU HEAR THE RATS IN THE WALLS? THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU, HARRY! HOGWARTS IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOUR PUNY BRAIN CAN EVEN IMAGINE: AND IT'S JUST A SPECK OF DUST IN THE EVEN LARGER UNIVERSE, A UNIVERSE OF HUNGRY RATS AND YOU ARE MERELY THE--"
"HARRY!" cried Ron Weasley. "Just give up before you go insane, he's too powerful!"
At this point, Harry Potter shot Neville Longbottom in the head with his Beretta M9, his most treasured side arm.
"Rest in peace, Neville," said Harry Potter sadly.
"Harry!" cried the Wease. "It's a good thing that you were able to overcome the cosmic horror and kill HP before he drove you insane with how insignificant you are!
"Yeah, thanks I guess Ron, I dont really care. Where's your sister btw??" questioned the Boy Who Lived.
"My sister? Why do you want to know that?" asked Ron timidly.
Harry just stared at him. "Ronald, where is your sister?"
"She's out at Hogsbucks with Cho Chang..." Ron whimpered.
"Thank you, Ron. See, you can be useful after all. Sorry Hermione got killed btw. I guess she wasnt really YOUR girlfriend anymore, but I reckon you still had feelings for her, so that sucks."
Ron nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, I uh, guess. Thanks."
Harry patted him on the head like a dog, and started going. Then he turned back for a sec. "Ron. It's your fault that she's dead, you know," Harry said. Then he turned away and left to go find Ginny and Cho Chang.
Ron collapsed and started crying.
Harry Potter had no real interest in killing Goyle to avenge Hermione. Hermione was AIGHT, but quite frankly, Harry really just didnt care. He cared about other things. Like Quidditch. Other people. Like Ginny. Like Cho. Ron would have to cope with this loss by himself, and if he chose to seek vengeance? Well, more power to him. He wouldnt get any help from Harry.
Harry carefully placed the Sword of Grydifnoer back in his secret hiding spot-- how HP Neville had ever found it was a mystery to him. but then! He was visited by the ghost of Hermione!
"Harry..." moaned Ghostmione.
"Hey Hermione. Good to see you," Harry said, not even looking at her, but continuing getting dressed to go out to Hogsbucks and meet up with his 2 favorite girls.
"Harry, I need your help. Neville's in Hell."
"That doesn't surprise me," said Harry. "But what do you want me to do about it?"
"Save him, Harry. Please. Or else... or else Voldemort might return."
"Huh?"
"Look at the 'Necronomicon' that Neville was writing in," said Hermione sadly.
Harry sighed, walked back downstairs to Neville's corpse, and looted his satchel.
"Ah, I see," said Harry.
HP Longbottom's Necronomicon was another one of Voldermort's Toilet Diaries. By writing in it, he must have been fueling Voldemort in the afterlife.
"So what's the sitch?" asked Harry. "Is Voldemort powerful enough to come back yet?"
"Not yet," said Hermione. "I've been watching him, because he's on the other side of limbo, where all the real sickos go, and he's starting to do some jumping jacks and stuff, it's very scary but he doesnt appear to be THAT powerful yet.
"OK, well just keep an eye on him. I'll destroy Neville's stupid book."
"Harry no, HP Longbottom's Necronomicon can only be destroyed by using the blood of STAR CHILD, one of the great OLD ONES who --"
"You mean like those stupid tentacle monsters and stuff, the "incomprehensible" cosmic horrors?" asked Harry, flipping through the boring and not-scary book.
"Yes! and only HP LONGBOTTOM knows how to summon them!"
"Okay, well I'm gonna go to Hogsbucks becase this isnt really my problem anyway. If Voldemort comes back, I'll kill him again, so I dont see the point of chasing after giant monsters. Not that I'm scared, I just really sincerely do-not care and i dont have the time. OK Hermione? Neville, or 'HP Longbottom' if you want to call him that stupid name-- he deserves to be in Hell anyway."
But HARry!" cried Hermione.
"Kk, ttyl Hermione," said Harry, and he appaderated outside.
"Not so fast, 'Arry," said GOYLE, and he beaned Harry in the back of the head with a brick.
hol up-- ok the script's working again.
"Where am I?" demanded Harry Potter, who now had a bag over his head.
"BEHOLD!" screamed Goyle, and he took off Harry's bag, and behold! they were in the sewers.
"Why are we in the sewers?" asked Harry, "And why am I tied to a chair? Goyle you better start providing me with some damn-good explanations, or when I untie myself in about 10 seconds from now, I'm going to beat you so bad the police wont even let your parents see your body. I will wear my fists down to the bone.
"Harry pelase calm down," said Goyle. "I need your help."
"Yeah I'm hearing that a lot recently."
"Harry, I know that Ghost-Hermione visisted you and told you about Voldemort and the Necronomicon. But what she didn't tell you, and maybe you remember it, is that NEVILLE HIMSELF is a star child! Remember when his face started growing tentacles? You kinda just ignored it and shot him."
"Yeah of course I remember that."
"Well NEVILLE IS STILL ALIVE, HARRY!" groaned Goyle. "And he's going to keep killing Slytherins until the House Cup is secured for Hufflepuff!"
"Who gives a shit about that?"
Goyle fell to his knees. "Harry... the winner of this year's House Cup will be given an entire year of TOTAL IMMUNITY from all University rules, laws, bi-laws, and sub-laws. Neville will be able to do anything he wants, to anyone, without fear of being expelled!
"I still don't care."
"Harry, he's going to go after GINNY and CHO CHANG because you humiliated him!"
"Ok, I'll kill him. Where is he now?"
"So you agree to team up with me and the Slytherins, Harry?"
"To kill Neville?"
"HP Longbottom, Harry. The 'Neville' we knew is dead. If he ever really existed in the first place..."
Harry finished untying himself. "Work on your knotsmanship, Goyle. Now that Malfoy's dead, what good are the Slytherins anyway? I'll admit it was kinda cool that you killed an entire room of people by yourself, but quite frankly, I could do that in my sleep.
Goyle looked at him with very great seriousness.
"Harry, it's time that I told you the SECRET of Slytherin House..."
"Ok, what's the secret of Slytherin House?" asked Harry Potter.
"Slytherin House was founded by Salazar Slytherin in order to combat the GREAT OLD ONES."
"Interesting," said Harry.
"Yeah," agreed Goyle. "That's the real reason why HP Longbottom cowardly assassinated Malfoy-- because he knew that Malfoy suspected him of being a Star Child. Slytherins are like a secret society of vampire hunters, except we hunt aliens. Get it?"
"Goyle," said Harry, rubbing his temples. "So what?"
"Harry, us Slytherins have access to tools and magics that are unknown to all the other Houses, and the wizarding community at large. Because they can't be trusted, they're all compromised by the Cult of Dagon. Why do you think we're always being targeted by the Ministry of Magic AKA the Ministry of "Let Muggles Fuck Your Daughters So You Lose All Your Magical Powers?"
"What is the Cult of Dagon?" asked Harry.
"That doesn't matter rn tbh," said Goyle. "The point is, Voldemort is actually a pretty good guy, he was just trying to save Wizards and Humanity as a whole really. The Ministry of Magic is trying to get rid of any resistance to the invasion of the OLD ONES, who see us as nothing but cattle."
"I see," said Harry. "So it's really not a big deal that the Necronomicon Toilet Diary was bringing Voldemort back to life? It's actually a good thing?"
"Yeah basically," said Goyle.
"Okay," said Harry. "You should tell Ghost-Hermione this, because she wants me to stop Voldemort from returning."
"Harry, Hermione's stupid, she doesn't even know any of the lore, and it doesn't matter what she thinks or wants because she's dead anyway," said Goyle, signaling for Harry to follow him.
Goyle led Harry into an armory. It was guarded by some Slytherins Harry had seen around before. All across the walls were hung 3D-printed assault-style wands, capable of casting killing curses at 120 rounds per second.
Harry wasn't really that impressed. "Goyle, this is cool, but I don't really need any of this. I'm the Boy Who Lived. Plus I just did some custom mods to my wand, and it's way more powerful than any of these anyway."
"You're right Harry," admitted Goyle. "BUT. Go through THAT room, and you'll enter our Secret Library, where we have all kinds of curses that are especially designed for fighting the eldritch monstros--"
"GOYLE I DONT CARE," yelled Harry. "Take me to Hogsbucks NOW, I've got to make sure Ginny and Cho, especially Cho btw, are OK. You said yourself Neville would be after them."
Goyle smirked. "Don't worry about THAT, Harry. We've got our best man currently keeping HP Longbottom bussy."
"Bussy?"
"Busy."
"Your best man is dead, Goy," sighed Harry. "Neville KILLED Malfoy, remember?"
Goyle smirked so brilliantly that even Harry was impressed. "Malfoy was just faking it. He's got some of those stupid things that keep you from dying," he said.
"Horcruxes?" asked Harry. "Wow, that's good thinking. So where are the two of them now?"
As if to answer, they heard screaming coming from above them.
"NOOOOOOOOO MALFOY, PLEASE DONT!"
"GET IN THE STALL, NEVILLE!"
There was a flush, and Harry and Goyle knew then that Malfoy had given HP Longbottom a swirly.
The war had begun...
after Malfoy was doone torturing HP Longbottom by giving him swirlies and noogies and indian burns on his arms, he finally trapped him in a locker with one of the Weaseleys' Wizard Wheezes Patented Magic Stink bombs, which, because they are magic, are 1000x worse even than that "liquid ass" stuff that the retarded kids used to spray in school-- btw im also just putting it out there, not as part of the story, this is the author speaking now, the inventors of "liquid ass" literally deserve to be killed for inventing and selling that product. im being serious, this isn't a joke, im not laughing, the faggot """engineer""" who """invented""" his stupid fucking shit-spray that I had to smell every other day in middle and high school, deserves to b[whoops, lost my cool a little too much. what i wrote here, they still deserve though, im just not going to make you read it.]
"malfoooooy, let me out, pleeeeeeease!" wept HP Longbottom, literally almost dying from the smell.
"What's the matter, Neville?" laughed Malfoy. "I thought you were just meaningless star stuff, right? The Weasley Wheeze you're inhaling right now is just a drop in a vast ocean of cosmic insignificance."
Ron Weasley felt a little bad providing the tools to torture the guy he used to cling to, but he was much like his pet rat: a rat. small, cowardly, disloyal. He kept at a safe distance from the two of them, just staring at the floor, and only approached when Malfoy demanded he hand him a new instrument from his torture bag.
"Maaaaaallllllfooooooyyyyyyyy pleeeeeeaseeeeeeeee" Neville wept.
Malfoy opened the locker and yanked him out. He held his wand up to his throat, and also a knife.
"Now you're going to come with me, and tell Professor Snape, and everyone else, that you LIED about me being gay and spreading Mugglepox. You're going to ADMIT that it was YOU the entire time, you filthy little liar.
At the prospect of suffering such humiliation, and no-longer at the mercy of the Weasley stench, HP suddenly grew bold again.
"And what if I don't?"
Malfoy stabbed and carved up Neville Longbottom's throat like it was a Halloween pumpkin. It was like that scene in Breaking Bad that made me start yelling racial slurs. You know, the one with the box cutter.
It could be argued that HP Longbottom actually deserved it though-- like those guys that made liquid ass btw-- for he truly HAD lied about Malfoy and ruined his reputation with everyone but the Elite Slytherin Inner-Circle Praetorian Guard, who knew that HP Longbottom was actually an eldritch monstrosity, and even if they didnt know that, they knew Malfoy wasnt gay because on his downtime from being On the Hunt or in class, he was always sharing pictures of anime girls in the group chat.
Anyway, when Malfoy was done almost completely sawing through Neville's throat, Harry Potter caught up with him.
"Malfoy," said Harry.
"Potter," said Malfoy.
The two grasped hands. To Harry's surprise, Malfoy pulled him in for a strong hug.
"Welcome aboard, my brother," said Malfoy, holding tight. "We wont let them replace us."
Harry squeezed back. "I'm with you, Draco. We'll teach these cosmic libtards a thing or two."
Suddenly, they heard a moan. They turned in (cosmic) horror to find HP Longbottom was standing back up, with his head so-far cut backwards that it was as if the bottom of his chin were his face.
And indeed, it was. For there were dozens of small eyeballs there.
"Rlyeth Kathu! Dindue Thulay!" the creature croaked at them.
Harry and Draco AKA Drake were both probably more-than tough enough to take on this low-level monstrosity, but it just caught them so off-guard that they flipped out and started running.
When they got to the end of the hall, they slammed the doors shut and locked them with whatever is the reverse Alohamora spell.
"That was a close one," panted Drake.
"Yeah," agreed Harry. "Wait a tick... RON'S still in there!"
What Draco Malfoy did at that moment would always be remembered as one of the GREATEST acts of pure heroism that had ever taken place at that stupid school 1 sec im dehyrated
you know who wasnt dehydrated? Ron Weasley! Because Nearly-Headless Neville was DROWNING him in the luxurious hot tub in the prefecc bathroom!
GLUGUGUGUGURRUUUOOOOAHUUGUUGUUGUGUU!
"I'LL SAVE YOU WEASLEY, EVEN IF UR A RACE TRAITOR!" cried Malfoy, barging in, and lunging onto Neville. He pulled him off of Ron, but ALAS. HP Longbottom had evolved like a pokemon because he got Experience Points (XP) from drowning Ron, even though he was interrupted!
"HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" hissed HP Longbottom, reeeeeeeling on the Malf. "Do not come between the starchild and his prey."
Malfoy kicked HP Longbottom, AKA Nearly-Headless Neville, now nearly fully-evolved into Nevillelarthotep. Malfoy kicked him as hard as he could between the legs, but Neville just started cackling.
"im a star child, Dracoooooooo," he HISSSSSSED. "I HAVE NO TESTICLESSSSS."
As Neville lurched forward, arms oustretched, to embrace Malfoy with a bear hug of death, an axe suddenly fell down on his headneck, hitting him right in his eldritch eyeballs, and causing him to start dancing around flailing his arms and screaming all kinds of vulgarities.
"Ron, you saved me!" said Malfoy.
"No..." said Weasethlhu. "I'm saving you for MYSELF" anAD THEN ron lunged at Draco with ANOTHER axe as tentacles and eyeballs exploded from his face!
Malfoy dodged ducked dipped dived and dodged out of the prefect bathroom, reverse-alohomoraing the door shut and locking HP and Ron in there together. Harry arrived then.
"What happened?"
"Ron's been converted," said Malfoy. i cant write anymore my shoulders are fucking killingme