Rogue Warrior: A Game

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little bitch?

Rogue Warrior is a FPS where you play as Mickey Rourke, who is hired by the U.S. military to become a Navy SEAL.

You have to uh... idk, stop the Soviet Russians from using nukes or something. Who cares. Before each mission, Mickey gives you a profanity-filled explanation of the situation, then the level starts. Usually, you'll start out stealthily with your knife and a suppressed pistol. Then, idk, whatever lmao. something happens or you get spotted and start going guns blaaaazing.

Before the game begins, your hidden first mission is to make sure to turn sound effects and music all the way down and the voice volume all the way up, so you can hear Mickey Rourke and all he has to say.

At the end of the game, after 3 exciting hours of killing Communists, you're treated to a Mickey Rourke rap.

The gameplay is aight. All the guns look and feel very aight, nothing special. It's definitely... a game.

I will now #debunk the #misinformation that the Wikipedia article spreads about the game:

>Rogue Warrior received negative reviews from critics, who cited it as one of the worst games ever made.

Critics are gay, stupid, and bad at video games. Their opinions about video games are not valid. I'll demonstrate why. Letsgo

>Criticism of the game included its poor controls...

The controls are literally normal lmao. There is nothing different about it than any other fps. Controller? Aim and shoot with the triggers, reload with square/switch guns with triangle/crouch with circle. It's the same as any other game. The thumbstick aiming isn't too slow or too fast or anything, and there's nothing complicated or difficult to do. It feels like every other first-person shooter you've ever played. Actually, there's even a Rainbow Sixish 3rd-person cover system, and it works perfectly fine. This is a good example of why "critics" can't be taken seriously, or even treated with any amount of respect at all, ever. Okay, that's one critique thrown into the trash, let's keep going...

>multiple glitches, outdated graphics...

Multiple glitches? I might have experienced exactly-one. I might have seen an enemy spawn in front of me, one time. I also might have imagined it, he could have just been ducking and stood up. A lot was going on, there were a lot of explosions because I was destroying a Russian nuclear base. So I'm not certain either way. That's one example, and I'm not even certain of it. If I was certain it happened, it'd be one(1) glitch, not "multiple", so unfortunately, we have to throw this critique away as well.

What else... outdated graphics? The game came out in 2009 and looks like it came out in 2009. This is also a smoothbrain criticism in the first place. Real human beings don't care about graphics. So if the graphics were outdated--and they're not--it wouldn't even matter. That's two layers of wrong, so we have no choice but to reject this critique.

So we're 0/3 now. What else?

>poor gunplay, frequent profanity, rushed production...

The gunplay is average, not poor. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you that the guns feel amazing, but the bullets travel where you aim. There's no issues with it. So since "poor" and "average" are not the same thing, this is another poor(proper use) critcism.

"frequent profanity" is the kind of thing that Christian soccer moms would be mocked for complaining about. Professional video game reviewers are not Christians and they don't have children. If they know anything about soccer, it's just from watching it on TV. So I simply cannot accept this critique at all. Besides that, Mickey Rourke calling people "fucking dead idiot" isn't just cool and funny, it's probably realistic too. idk, I'm not a Navy SEAL, I'm just the only valid game reviewer in the world. I don't like frequent profanity IRL, I'm a Christian, and soccer's a great sport, one day I'll try to get my future-kids into it. I'm still giving Mickey Rourke the FREQUENT PROFANITY pass, because it's cool and funny, and frankly, heckin' valid.

Wow we've come a long way and haven't yet encountered any good criticisms of the game... I'm going to skip ahead by myself real quick and see it th... yep, you know what? There's no point in going on like this, the criticisms get even dumber. It'd just be more of me RUTHLESSLY DUNKING on vague nonsense.

So I'll give it to you straight. Rogue Warrior's not "one of the worst games ever made", that's silly. It's not even close to that bad. It might just be a bad game at worst. I'm aware that some of my enjoyment of it came from how terrible it was *supposed* to be, but a lot of it came from Mickey Rourke's voice acting, and the rest came from it just being an OK game. The gunplay is average, the enemies are stupid, the maps, music, the story is "who cares", everything is just MEH. But it's only 3 hours long so "what difference, at this point, does it make?"

It's fun being a Navy SEAL voiced by Mickey Rourke. The cover system works fine. The guns all work fine. It's fun to effortlessly walk through Communists and listen to Mickey Rourke calling them cock-breaths.

And-- oh yeah, I almost forgot, you can press X to do knife executions on enemies. They're pretty neat. So if a poor bastard is reloading, just run up to him an EXXXX and you'll get a neato animation of you stabbing the crap out of him or slitting his throat or something.

So that's all. ROGUE WARRIOR. It's definitely a game. And saved by Mickey Rourke.

6/10 because of Mickey Rourke, 5/10 if it didn't have him. Not the worst game ever made, either way. Just don't pay more than a dollar for it unless you're a Rourkeaholic.