Spartan: Total Good Time

Spartan: Total Warrior is like a game I dreamed of when I was a teenager, but never knew actually existed.

You play as a nameless Spartan, taking part in yuge battles alongside your fellow soldiers, against Romans and Barbarians and Gladiator slaves and uh... zombies.

It's great fun. Very simple combat, no complicated combos, you just tear through enemies with light and heavy sweeping attacks, you've got your RAGE meter to unleash extra-strong and extra-gory moves, and you've got some magic attacks to do wild stuff like turn enemies to stone or set them on fire if they touch you. Those should be saved for when you're in trouble or need to take out a big boi.

You'll collect a few different special weapons, each pretty unique. Dual swords, a BIGG HAMMER, stuff like that. You've got a bow that's a bit of a pain in the ass to aim but pretty useful. Keep your guard up, with any weapon, and 90% of enemies can't touch you. When you're blocking, you can use a bash attack to give yourself some breathing room and break enemy guards. It's sweet, and it's how you'll clear out a hundred enemies without so much as a scratch on yourself.

Fighting alongside your own army is fun though, because they're kinda useful. Like friendly NPCs in every game ever, they're not exactly GREAT by themselves, but they definitely provide you with much-needed support against the legions of Romans that are always coming for your ass.

Still, you're the #1 guy, and can slaughter everyone and anyone like a joke. Nothing can stand against you except a few very-high level Roman officers, or uh, THE GIGANTES, who are, you know, giants. Other than that occassional road-block, you'll be butchering enemies by the dozens. There's good controller feedback too, so it just feels gooooooooooooooooooooood to chop people up.

And you've got so many different ways to fight, despite the simplicity of the combat, that if you fight SMART, you'll have very few issues throughout the game. A scary tough Barbarian's in your way, and you're not sure you can take him with your low health? SHIELD-BASH HIM OVER A CLIFF. Knocking enemies over cliffs and walls never-ever gets old. Just make sure it doesn't happen to you.

I didn't know about using rage-moves until I was on the last few levels of the game, so it's not an extremely difficult game.

The story's ...

Well it's a story.

You're fighting against the Roman Empire for the sake of Sparta. You're aided by Ares, because of course. AREEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! The first battle is proteccing your city, and it's kinda got the feel of the "Minas Tirith walls" level from Return of the King. Very fun, you really FEEL like you're defending your city. And then there's a giant walking statue. Andlmao you've gotta go on a counter-attack. Along the way you meet a hot sassy warrior girl, and uh, you save prisoners, save more prisoners, burn Roman camps, burn Barbarian camps, protecc some VIPs, rob some tombs, beseige a castle, you know, a bunch of WAR STUFF. And it's all just delightful. Nice BIG BATTLES.

After you finish a level, you're given some points to level up either your damage, health, or magic.

Maxing your damage should be your #1 priority--killing enemies quickly is important, because you can guard yourself. The objects and people you're often protecting cannot. Then your health, so you can afford to make some mistakes. Magic shouldn't be leveled at all until everything else is maxed, because you need to fully level magic in order to gain a SINGLE extra use of a magic attack. And as powerful and useful as they are, a single extra use isn't worth wasting points on bonuses that will *always* be in play.

There's an unlimited ARENA mode that you can find upgrades to use in, like friendly archers and extra arrows, but it's not really as fun as just playing through the nice, long levels.

The music? idk, i cant even remember it at alllmao.

Is that it? Yeah I think that's it. GOOD GAME, 7.5/10